05x22 - Doug's Hairy Situation

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

-[chattering]
-♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[male narrator] Genetics, making you, you!

On the right is your plain old,
generic, typical

ordinary, average, everyday boy.

-Hey!
-[male narrator] OK, above average.

[sneezes]

[male narrator] And on the left
is a strand of his DNA.

Now watch what happens
when we change just one gene.

[yells]

[male narrator] OK, OK, let's replace
the big-footed gene

with the mighty-mesomorphic gene.

Now, imagine all the other
genetic possibilities.

Huh?

Oy!

Huh? [yells, cries]

[male narrator] Even though humans
can change many things

their careers, minds, their underpants...

Oh, man!

[male narrator] ...you cannot change
your genetic makeup.

Phew! [sighs]

[male narrator] And why should you?

Your genes make you, you.

And that's special.

[indistinct chattering]

[man] Eh, let's get some pie.

[grunting]

[chuckles]

[grunting]

[footsteps]

[door creaks]

That's me.

Huh, what? Oh. [chuckles]

Did you ever notice people put
a lot of emphasis on "firsts," Skeet?

Like the first date, or the first kiss?

Or, uh, First Federal!

Yeah. Sort of.

[Doug] Well, this week
at Beebe Bluff Middle School

I noticed a lot of other "firsts."

For instance, Patti got her first pimple.

Hey, Patti.

Stop! Don't look at me.

Patti?

[Doug] Beebe got her first nose job.

Nobody takes people
with big noses seriously, Doug.

Yeah, right.

-Doug, you gotta see this.
-Whoa!

[Doug] And although we're still not sure

Roger claimed he got his first whisker.

-[murmuring]
-[boy] Look at that! It's huge!

Could be a whisker... could be lint.

Yeah, what do you know? Jealous!

[Doug] Yep, at Beebe Bluff Middle School

the student body
was really starting to change.

[all] Whoa.

[Doug] Oh, I almost forgot,
there was one more first.

An "F"? Oh, man, I never got
one of those before.

Feels weird.

Skeeter, the assignment
was to make a simple coat rack.

Not, this.

Yeah, but this predicts
the weather, removes pet hair

and it's built-in tracking device

locates your jacket
anywhere on the planet. Honk, honk.

Yeah, it does everything but hang coats!

Oh, yeah, that.

Don't sweat it, Skeet.
You'll get 'em next time.

[mechanical voice]
Pet-Hair. Pet-Hair. Pet-Hair.

-Huh? Uh-oh. [yells]
-Pet-Hair. Pet-Hair. Pet-Hair.

-Pet-Hair.
-[yells]

Wow! Hey!

Mr. Heaver, want to grade
my pet-hair remover?

[Doug] In last-period, while everyone
was doing basic research

Roger was involved in some
very high-tech computer imaging.

Let's see.

What kind of facial hair should I grow?

The Lincoln?

Eh. The Santa?

Nah.

Or the Shaggy?

-[Doug] Hey.
-Huh?

Anybody up for Swirly's?

Great idea! I can show
everybody my new goatee.

I can't be seen by real people

until my new nose is ready.

Yeah, count me and my zit out, too.

-C'mon, let's go!
-Whoa!

You think anyone will recognize me?

[Doug] I kept thinking that night

about how everyone
was so hung-up on their looks.

I mean, when I got my first pimple

I didn't freak out.

-Huh?
-Hey, let's order a pizza!

[laughs]

[screaming]

[Doug] And when I put on
a few extra pounds

it didn't tear me apart.

-[grunts]
-Although it did a good job on my pants.

Oh!

How could everybody be so self-conscious?

[screaming]

I'm going bald!

When my hair dried,
it looked normal again

but I still wasn't so sure.

OK, so who forgot
to put gas in the car...

-Son?
-Boy, that's a head

full of hair you got there, Dad.

That is definitely not a wig.
That's for sure.

No, it sure isn't.

Dad, you were my age once, right?

Yeah.

What'd your hair look like?

Um...

Well, I think you have

pretty much the same hair as your father.

See?

Great, because good hair is in your genes

and I've got the same genes
as good old, not-bald Dad.

[groans] Douglas!

Excuse me, but the bald gene

would come from Mom's side
of the gene pool, professor.

So if you really want to see
the hair in your future, Dougie,

you should look at Mom's brothers.

For instance, take Uncle Chrome-Dome

old Uncle Slidey Top!

Uncle Shiney-Head!

[screaming]

Wait, Dougie! There's another one!

[screaming]

[chuckles]

[Doug] I decided the next morning
not to let my hair get me down.

And I decided to use a little mousse
so nothing would get my hair down.

[humming]

Yes!

[takes a deep breath]

Hey!

Sorry, Douglas!

Trouble with the new sprinkler system.

Remote controlled. [chuckles]

Excuse me.

[hairdryer whirring]

Wow, you sure are prepared
for the rain, Doug.

Well, you can never be
too prepared for the rain, Patti.

But it's not raining, Doug.

[chuckles] Easy for you to say.

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, you guys hear about
the new water park

they're opening at the mall this Friday?

You mean Tsunami City?

Yeah, man

you can ride the Dunkeroo, the Soak Cycle

the Big Wet and get wet, W-E-T.

[slurps]

A water park!

We should all go together.

Whaddya say, Doug?

Uh...

[laughs]

Wheee!

-[whistle blows]
-Out of the water! Out of the water!

Comb-over in the pool!

[screaming]

Comb-over! Comb-over in the pool!

[screams]

[gasps] It's scary.

It's stringy.

It's Doug!

You don't want to go to a water park.

What about your nose and your pimple?

A little pimple's not gonna ruin
the opening of Tsunami City!

And my bandage will be off by then.

What do you say Doug? You going?

What've I got to lose? [nervous chuckle]

[Dough] What was I going to do?

How was I supposed to get
more hair in three days?

Get more hair in just three days!

-Huh?
-♪ Bushy Head grows hair for you ♪

[TV announcer] How many times
has this happened to you

because of your thinning hair?

Oh, Jenkins, you're fired!

I'm leaving you.

[TV announcer] Just say hello
to Bushy Head

to thicken your hair and fix your life.

Go from fired, to hired!

Oh, I don't know why

but I'm giving you a promotion!

Oh, and Jinkins...

-Yes, sir?
-Nice hair.

[TV announcer] Go from loser to lover!

I love you. And your bushy head!

Thanks Bushy Head Aerosol
Hair Replacement System!

[TV announcer] Your results may vary.

[Doug] My new Bushy Head was great.

One little spray of the can,
and my life was fixed.

One word will make it come...
Oh! [coughing]

[Doug] Still having trouble
with that new sprinkler system, Mr. Dink?

Hello there, Douglas. [chuckles]

Oh, using that spray-on hair?

How could you tell?

Oh, just a lucky guess. [chuckles]

Uh, let me help you with that.

-Hey!
-Trust me.

This is for your own good.

Come with me, Douglas. [chuckles]

[whirring]

There I am, Buddy Dink, age 12.

Idealistic, fluffy haired.

And here's me a year later.

Bald as a baby's behind.

[laughs]

Shocking, isn't it?

But, Mr. Dink, you've got plenty of hair.

Nothing but a fancy comb job.

Takes hours to get it this way.

-Oh!
-Conveniently,

I just purchased the Follicle 4,000.

-Very expensive.
-Wow!

Guaranteed to make you look
like a movie star.

[laughing]

-Oh!
-Ooh!

[vibrating]

[groaning]

[yells]

Oh, wow. Huh. Well, uh...

I have another invention
that temporarily cures baldness.

What is it?

I call it, uh, the hat. [chuckles]

[Doug] I still had till Friday
to fix my problem

but Skeeter's problems
were just beginning.

Here it is, Mr. Heaver,
the simple bird house.

What's this?

Oh, that's the simple a*t*matic
squirrel-proof perch retractor.

[whirring]

-And this?
-That's the simple central heating duct.

-[rock music playing]
-[yells]

[shouting] That's just the simple stereo!

Just to give them, you know,
something to listen to!

[both groaning]

Skeeter, we need to discuss
the rules of a simple design.

When you want to build something simple

you need to follow a few simple rules.

If you're building a school

you gotta have teachers, students

and a place to learn.

But wouldn't it be cooler if it had
a... a rollercoaster...

[people yelling]

...a race track

and a space-port?

Yes, Skeeter

but how would you study for a test
on a rollercoaster?

-[screams]
-I guess you're right.

I can't even read
in the car without barfing.

Basketball has a very simple design.

All you need is a ball and a hoop, who...

Wouldn't it be neater
if the court was a trampoline.

The baskets move,
and you have a laser light show?

Sounds interesting, Skeeter

but it also sounds dangerous.

[grunts]

-[groans]
-[buzzer buzzes]

I guess you got a point.

We want to give you
a make-up project, Skeeter.

If you can make a simple
candy dish that holds candy

we'll wipe out the failing grade.

Great!

-I'll need these uh, uh, shock absorbers.
-[clattering]

Ooh, some two by fours

uh, let's see, uh,

-sonar painters, tweezers...
-Uh, let's review, shall we?

[Doug] The good news was
I was getting positive results

with my latest hair care product...

-Ugh!
-[grunts]

Only not on me.

What am I gonna do, Porkchop?

Patti's never gonna want
to swim with a bald guy.

Wear your hat, backwards. Very hip.

[singing, barking]

Judy, I can't just go through life
wearing a hat all day long.

Or, can I?

♪ Feeling kinda scuzzy
'Cause I got no fuzzy sitting on my head ♪

♪ But I don't give a hoot
If my head ain't a beauty ♪

♪ I cover it up instead ♪

♪ I got my hat, Jack
Turned around the back, Jack ♪

♪ With a girl named Patti
Digging my hatty ♪

♪ Jump back give me a slap, Jack ♪

-[cheering]
-Oh, Doug, you're so hip.

Oh, and nice hat.

♪ Riding with a flare ♪

♪ Though he ain't got any hair ♪

♪ He's a roping king they say ♪

♪ Under a cowboy beret ♪

♪ Riding high and women sighing ♪

♪ Bull-dogging Doug ♪

Doug, you're so rugged.

Oh, and nice hat.

[sirens wailing]

Help!

Save me!

Help! [coughs]

Oh, Doug, you're so fire-fightery!

[coughs] Phew.

Oh, no! You're bald!

Put me back!

Help! Help!

[Judy] I'll help you, Dougie.

You, Judy Funnie, are gonna help me?

No, I'm helping myself.

You are filling this house,
in which I live

with really negative energy.

[Doug] So Judy took me
to the costume department at her school

to find a wig that was me.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh!

I don't think so.

-[grunts]
-Hey!

[growls]

-[yowls]
-[barking]

This is the last of them.

Dougie, somewhere out there

some brilliant, dedicated scientists

are working, day and night

on a cure for male pattern baldness

so some greedy pharmaceutical giant

can jack up the price and make a fortune.

[barking]

But look at the good side.

Maybe they'll do it in time
so you can still be the life of the party.

[yelling]

What a great light show!

There wouldn't be
a light show without Doug.

He's the life of the party.

And the light of the party!

Hey, baldy.

Perfect.

Presenting one simple candy dish!

[making trumpet sound]

Here comes the candy, and...

it's good!

Way to go Skeeter. You get an A.

You see what happens
when you keep it simple?

Keep up the good work, son.

You know, Road, I think we
did a pretty good job.

[mechanical voice]
It's 3:26 p.m., 78 degrees

and Tsunami City opens in 34 minutes.

[laughing]

[TV announcer] Now you can ride
the Big Wet

and get wet, wet.

W-E-T.

Get yourself down to Tsunami City!

[man 2] What are you afraid of?
A little...

Oh, heading down
to the water park, Douglas?

No, I'm going to the movies instead.

[Doug] I told everyone
I wasn't feeling so good

and had to skip Tsunami City.

[clanging]

Hey, Douglas, why aren't you
at that new water park?

-Tsunami City!
-Bless you.

Every kid in town's going.

Every kid that's not bald.

Going bald, are you?

[laughs] Doug.

Well, I've got lots of products
to fight baldness.

-Really?
-Of course, none of them work.

-Never have.
-Never will!

Well, what does work?

Nothing. You know why?

[both] 'Cause you
can't b*at Mother Nature!

No, I guess you can't.

But, Doug, if you're worried
that people won't like you

because you've lost some hair,
hey, that's their loss.

'Cause you're still the same person.

Only sexier.

Maybe, you guys are right.

Only a loser would let hair worries

keep him from water pleasure.

Only a loser would skip out on his friends

when they're having fun.

So, what's it gonna be, Doug Funnie?

One, please.

[both laughing]

[slurps]

[man] Daniel Dravot,
the original Smash Adams

returns to the big screen

and he's blowing his top.

He's bald!

-[yells]
-[screams]

[man] He takes on the bad guys
and he does it au naturel.

You know, God put a lot of heads
on this earth.

And the ones he didn't like...

[both] Huh?

[screams]

...he covered with hair.

[man] He's the super-spy
who knows you can fight crime

but you can't fight Mother Nature.

This summer, get ready to take a ride

with the biggest, baddest
baldest guy on the block.

Hang on to your hair, baby.

[man] Daniel Dravot is...

[woman] Cueball!

[man] ...Cueball.

Comb? [chuckles]

Now that's my kind of movie. [chuckles]

Excuse me.

[Doug] If being bald
didn't stop Daniel Dravot

what was stopping me?

After all...

did Patti's pimple
make me like her less? No way!

Did Beebe's new nose
make her any different? No.

And did Roger's goatee make him cooler?

Well, sorta.

And if someday I do go bald, so what?

You're still the same person.

-Hey, kid.
-Huh?

Wanna look bald? [chuckles]

[all shouting]

Hey, everybody, I'm Cueball! [laughs]

Whoa!

[laughs]

Hey, it's Doug!

Feeling better, Doug?

A lot better! Where's Skeet?

[Skeeter] Honk, honk.
Here comes my super simple dive!

[yells, laughs]

Nice dive. But it looked
pretty complicated.

Not a simple design at all.

Does he take into account
the Archimedean displacement of the water?

And the reflects of resonance

and the fiberglass horizontal
he's employed to propel himself.

No, you guys, it's easy.

When you wanna do a cannonball,
you just need to follow one simple rule

Scream real loud! [screams]

Hey, guys!

I thought Beebe
was getting her bandage off.

She had another operation.

She's having her old nose put back on.

She liked the nose
she was born with better.

[all laughing]

[Doug] We had a great time that day.

And I got some great news the next day.

Mom pointed out her other brother
that Judy forgot to mention.

Uncle Harry.

So I'm not gonna worry
about my hair anymore.

[all shouting]

Besides, they say worrying
just makes your hair fall out faster.

When you really think about it, Journal

people don't become
your friends based on your hair

or your complexion or your nose.

They like you based on you.

And if they don't, well, they're probably
not good friends.

And I've got some great ones.

[shouting]

Funnie, you got any of that
hair-growing stuff left?

My goatee's not coming in
as fast as I'd hoped.

Maybe it needs some fertilizer.

You know, chicks dig
a guy with facial hair.

[closing theme music]