05x23 - Doug: Oh, Baby

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growls]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Professor Porkchoppie
and I, Flash Asimov,

volunteered to be shrunken
to microscopic size.

Your ship, gentlemen.

And it's got a kickin' stereo, man.

Your mission,

discover why she is so annoying.

Let's get this show over with, all right?

[whirring]

Engaging launch propulsion!

[indistinct chatter]

Still no sign of a brain anywhere.

-Ha ha.
-Don't touch my stuff!

You don't know anything!

[clamoring]

Judy's obnoxious antibodies!
Take evasive action!

[antibodies] And how many times
do I have to tell you

to keep out of my bloodstream?

We've located the problem, professor.

A malfunctioning rung
in Judy's DNA ladder!

[gnashing and gnarling]

Big sister genes!

It's more horrible than I ever imagined!

Dr. Skeetrix! Get us out of here before...

Oh, no!

[whirring]

[in a zombie-like voice]
"To be or not to be..."

[gasps] Shakespeare. Oh, I'm too late!

"To be or not to be!"

-[laughing]
-[screaming]

Evacuate before we're all turned into
performance artists!

Aah!

Big sister gene, get out!

[screams]

[Doug] "To be or not to be,
that is the question."

[footsteps]

[whistling]

That's me.

[Doug] Having a new baby can be fun,
but mostly, it just hurts my eyes.

-[cooing]
-[camera shutter flashes]

-Huh?
-[camera shutter flashing]

Dad, you haven't gotten a picture
of the back of her right ear yet.

You're right, son!

[camera shutter flashes]

[Doug] It seems like all Mom and Dad do
is take pictures of her.

[camera shutter flashing]

-[giggles]
-We don't have one of her wearing a hat.

-Look!
-[giggles]

We don't have one of her sitting in a hat!

Now, that's cute!

[camera shutter flashes]

[Doug] I wonder how many
baby pictures Is too many?

New babies do something to parents.

It's kind of scary to see.

Look at this one, Ruby! She's in a hat!

[laughs]

Like a little angel from heaven.

[imitating cooing]

Such a nice looking young lady.

Dale's never seen a little baby before.

Look how interested he is.

Doggy? No-no!

Battie? Uh-uh!

Camel! Camel! Camel! [laughs] Camel!

See how Dale's trying to teach the baby?

We're having Dale tested to see
if he's another,

uh, uh, you know,

one of those people with a lot of stuff
up top...

inside his skull.

-Genius.
-Yeah, a genius like...

uh, the other one, uh...

his brother, the blue kid.

-Skeeter!
-Skeeter!

Look! You know how many kids
would just let it run?

Genius!

Me cookie head monkey.

[imitating monkey]

If this kid is a genius, I'm a camel!

Maybe we should have the baby tested
so we can see if she's gifted.

[Theda] I already know one gift.

She throws her toys
farther than Doug or Judy ever did.

[male announcer] The Bluffington Bumpers
are ahead,

thanks to their star player,
Dirtbike Funnie!

[gaps] Oh! I'm so glad we had
the baby tested

and saw her potential early.

Go!

Huh?

-[player] Get it! Get the little...
-[players clamoring]

[players clamoring]

-[crowd cheering]
-No one dribbles like our baby!

We could help her be
a great basketball star.

I bet she'll be more than that.

[lullaby plays]

-[jazz music playing]
-[audience clapping]

Ah! My next guest is
a world-famous photographer,

astronomer,
holder of the tennis world championship

and neurosurgeon.

Performing her new hit record,

please welcome Cleopatra Dirtbike Funnie!

[cheers and applause]

This song is called Born To Drool.

[screaming]

[laughing]

One hundred percent teddy recognition.

[cooing]

Waah!

-[keys clacking]
-[cooing]

It almost spells peanut blinchkey.

Uh-uh.

[coos]

[licking]

[both gasp]

Oh, no, dear...

They said she had the intelligence
of an eight-month-old.

But the most important influence
on her early development

will be her family.

I already bought her art supplies
and The Best Of Man O'Steel Man.

I know she'll be good at art,
just like me.

Are you joking?
She resembles me far more than you.

I'm certain she's going to be
a great actor.

[Doug] I never thought of that!

This baby could grow up
to be just like... Judy!

[gagging]

Dirtbike, come on! Come on, hurry!

I'm going to Skeeter's to play beetball
and read comics!

Dougie, grow up!

These immature pursuits of yours
are trivial and make me laugh.

[laughs]

Come, Dirtbike.

You must rehearse your recitation
for Pee-Wee Shakespeare.

[laughs]

Oh...

[Doug] I can't let that happen!

No matter what it takes, I won't let
Dirtbike turn out to be so... Judy.

Blech.

[birds squawking]

[male narrator] Whenever there's trouble,

from out of the Thicket
Of Solitude comes...

Quailman!

Part man, part quail, all hero.

Assisted by his faithful sidekick,

Quaildog!

And their new partner,

the sensational character find...

the Bandicoot Kid!

-[quail call]
-The quail signal!

[quail call]

Fly away!

[Bandicoot] Quailman, I must
communicate telepathically

because I'm too young to talk.

[Quailman] Coming in loud and clear,
Bandicoot Kid. Go ahead.

-Quailman, what's a bandicoot?
-Well, Bandicoot, that's a good question.

It's derived from the root word bandi...

-[creature shrieks]
-Huh? Whoa!

[shrieks]

I'll tell you later. Look! It's Judee-dra!

[shrieks]

Everyone will bow to my esoteric power!

All must dig me!

And now some singing!

[operatic singing]

Quailman, we've got to stop her
before she wipes out all of Bluffington

with her diabolical self-indulgence!

Look out for her icy, obnoxious demeanor!

[wind gusting]

[male narrator]
Faced with an unstoppable foe,

Quailman keeps his quail-cool

and uses the power of quail logic!

Ah-ha!

Ah, that singing!

I see you're not only the talented head

but also the most beautiful.

Yes.

No, she isn't! We're the same!

Speak for yourself, amateur!

I am the most talented!

[clamoring]

-[screaming]
-[thuds]

Quail logic wins again!

See? That's Judy and her poetry...

Weird, yucky, blech, phtooey.

Pfft. Pfft.

Exactly.

-Oh, Dougie.
-Yeah?

Mom and Dad want to talk to you.

Hmm, I'll be right back.

That was your brother Doug.

Don't worry, your nose looks
nothing like his.

We're going to be out until 10:00.

You and Judy are responsible for the baby.

Okay.

Here are a few instructions.

Huh?

-Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye. Bye.

You can feel free to go to the movies
with Skeeter.

I can handle things here.

[Doug] Handle things, right.

[Judy] You are very sleepy.

You love Shakespeare.

I was gonna say I can handle it
if you need to go drink a cup of chino

and be hip.

A cappuccino, not "a cup of chino."
You are such a yokel.

[cooing]

Isn't he boorish? Yes!

[Doug] Judy was already
turning her against me!

What would happen if I left them alone?

Quail logic wins again!

I don't think so, Quailman.

[grunting]

Stop! What are you doing, Bandicoot Kid?

[cackles]

[screams]

Oh!

Don't call me Bandicoot Kid,

call me...

[grunting]

Uh-oh! Ah!

...Poetry Girl.

[cackles] My loyal double agent!

-[hissing]
-[wind gusting]

Ah.

-Oh!
-[both groan]

-[teeth chattering]
-[Judee-dra cackles]

"Be through my lips to unawakened earth"

"The trumpet of a prophecy!"

"O Wind, if Winter comes,"

"can Spring be far behind?"

Oh, no. Poetry.

Stop it.

-Hello there.
-[coos]

-Hello.
-[coos]

Don't you have anything else to do?

No. I think I'll just
hang out with you guys.

It's eight o'clock.

Aren't you supposed to water
Mr. Dink's plant?

[Doug] She was right.

Mr. Dink was on vacation
and I agreed to feed his plant.

Hey, would you mind feeding
my fromage-vegetalis?

It's commonly known
as the Venus Cheese Trap.

[grunting]

[laughing]

Mr. Dink!

[laughing]

This happens three times a day.

[burps]

[laughs] See?

It's completely vegetarian.

[laughs] Very expensive.

[laughs] Now watch me.

[grunting]

Ah! Cheesy.

[laughs] You have to feed it
at exactly eight o'clock

or it gets a little cranky. [chuckles]

Okay. Exactly eight o'clock. I promise.

Hello. [speaking in Japanese]

Buenos dias.

Oh, it's almost eight. I have to go.

He has to go.

Yes.

Can you say, "Alas, poor Douglas.
He's such a pain?"

[Doug] How could I leave
Dirtbike alone with that?

But what could I do? I promised.

[ringing]

-Hello.
-[voice buzzes]

Judy, it's for you.

Thank you, Doug. Hello. Judy here.

Dougie, could you watch the baby?

This is important and will take
all my powers of concentration.

[Doug] What a lucky break.

No, we cannot rewrite Iago's dialog.

-Well, you're not supposed to like him.
-I'm taking Dirtbike to Mr. Dink's.

No, you can't kiss anybody either.

You're safe here.

Watch out for that Judy. She's weird.

[coos]

Yeah, that's right, weird.

[grunts]

[chomping, gulping]

Ah! Cheesy.

-[voice beeping]
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

-Right.
-[voice beeps]

Yeah. Hold it. Oh, no. I've gotta go.

My brother wants to turn the baby
into a little doodle-dweeb like him.

I can't let Doug ruin the future
of Cleopatra Funnie.

[baby coos]

Comic book. Yeah. Nice.

Shakespeare. Scary. Ooh...

-Doug!
-Brrrrrr.

[laughs]

Douglas, what do you think you're doing?

Uh-oh. I, uh...

I'm exposing Dirtbike to Shakespeare.

See? Shakespeare.

♪ La la la ♪

Shakespeare.

I saw your little attempt at humor.

[gasps]

Hey, gimme that.

-Give me my Shakespeare book.
-You want it...

go get it.

Aah! The Bard!

See? That's how you deal with Shakespeare.

[knocks]

Say good-bye to your little comic book.

Eh! Quailman!

Judy, hand it over.
You shouldn't have that.

-[grunts] Give it.
-No, it's mine. Mine.

[beeping]

[whirring]

[gasps] What was that?

Uh-oh, the door closed.

-We're locked out!
-Well, Mr. Dink gave you a key, didn't he?

Yeah, but it's in there on the table
next to Dirtbike.

[both screaming]

[cooing]

Maybe we can teach her to unlock the door.

Douglas, the chances
of her learning to walk

before Mom and Dad come home
are pretty slim.

Shut up.

If Mom and Dad come home
and she's still in there... Oh!

Ah!

[shrieks]

Don't touch it.
Mr. Dink's got all kinds of alarms.

Oh.

Maybe we could tunnel in,
like in The Countess Of Monte Cristo.

I got great reviews in that.

-How long would that take?
-With a spoon? Twenty years.

She must be so scared.

[sniffs] Don't worry, Dirtbike.
We'll get you.

[coos]

[munching]

[spits]

[yawns]

I'm sorry I made us leave early.

I'm so tired.

I just hope Doug and Judy don't think

we're coming home early
because we don't trust them.

They wouldn't think that.

They're too level-headed and mature.

[grunting]

Aah!

And it's all your fault.

-Do something!
-I am. Look.

I lower Porkchop down the chimney,
he opens the door.

That will never work.

Sure, it will. Watch.

[grunting]

[screams]

-[coos]
-[Judy] Told ya.

[coos and laughs]

♪ I've got a place where I keep my face ♪

We're lucky to have two great kids
to set examples for the baby.

-Aah!
-Idea.

Come on, idea.

I've got it.

We call the alarm company
and tell them we're locked out.

They'll never tell mom.

♪ Pa-pa-ra-pa-ra-pa-pa-pa-pa ♪

I locked the key in the house.

Can you let us in so we don't
set off the alarm?

No problem.

No problem!

And the code is?

-The what?
-The code.

The alarm code.

I don't know.

[engine sputters]

Can't help ya without a code. Good night.

He went to get help, right?

-Uh-uh.
-Oh!

Without more time and millions of dollars,
we can't get in this house.

-What are you doing?
-[grunts]

The alarm guy's still nearby.

He'll have to open the door
to turn the alarm off.

Then he'll leave
and nobody will ever know.

[grunting]

-[alarm sounds]
-[firecrackers exploding]

[Dink's voice] Alarm. Alarm.

-[both scream]
-[Dink] Very expensive alarm system here.

-Alarm. Alarm. [alarm blaring]

-Hey, she's sleeping through it.
-She's the only one.

[alarm blaring]

Oh, that noise.
Is that the Dink's house again?

-That thing goes off every time.
-What is that? Quiet!

-Those kids had something to do with it.
-[chuckling nervously]

-See? We got right in.
-Now, what are you going to do about them?

[clamoring]

[Doug] Boy, Mr. Dink sure has
a comprehensive alarm system.

Leave it to me, brother. I'll give them
a performance they'll never forget.

There won't be a dry eye on the block.

Ahem.

♪ O beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies ♪

♪ For amber waves... ♪

Hold it, Judy.

-I'll just tell them what happened.
-[indistinct chatter]

Um, thanks for responding to the alarm.

I'm sorry it wasn't a real tragedy
or anything,

so please just go home and... Huh?

Aah! Mom and Dad are home.

-Sneak out the back door with her...
-Why?

Is everyone all right?

What happened?

-Um, uh...
-Nothing really.

Doug just locked the key
inside the Dink's house

and when he tried to open the window,
all the alarms went off. That's all.

Thanks, Judy,
but that's not the whole truth.

I locked Dirtbike in there, too.

-Oh, my.
-Douglas, I can't believe you--

But Doug never let Dirtbike
out of his sight.

He may be a goofball
but he's a good big brother.

And he's honest.

You know, it wouldn't be too bad
if Dirtbike learned

from his example tonight.

Even though she's too young to remember.

[Doug] Wow. Judy said something nice.

But she called me a goofball, too.

Mom, Dad, it'll never happen again.
I promise.

Well, if it ever does,

remember, that Bud keeps
a spare key over here--

-Ohh.
-Ohh.

[Doug] So Judy doesn't care
if Dirtbike turns out like me someday.

Fly away! You're Quailgirl.

-[coos]
-[kisses]

It wouldn't k*ll me if she
was another Judy, I guess.

Actually, Dirtbike has been taking after
a member of the family

but not who you'd expect.

Oh, no, no, no, honey.

[cooing]

That water is for Porkchop.

And I guess I wouldn't mind her
being as cool as Porkchop one bit.

See? You got it.

Okay, good girl.

-[cooing]
-[Porkchop barking]

[theme music playing]