05x26 - Doug on the Road

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelps]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear Journal, it was just like
any other Sunday.

Little did we expect

that something totally incredible
was about to take place.

[baby talk]

Okay, so who's driving me to Funkytown?

-Well?
-Well, I was, um,

ahem, going to fix that door hinge.

Uh, Cleopatra and I have to...

plant some hydrangeas before they dry out.

You guys! You promised!

-But, Phil, I believe it's your turn...
-Honey, I thought it was your turn...

[Doug] Then suddenly, it happened.

-I'll drive you, Doug.
-[all gasp]

Judith, there's no need to be sarcastic.

Who's sarcastic?
You guys are busy, I'm not.

[Judy] I'll drive him.

Keys.

-Huh?
-[Doug mumbles] I don't know.

After 16 years of parenting!

Ha! It's like a dream!

Ha ha ha.

Okay, Judy, what's the catch?

There's no catch. Okay?

I'm doing you a favor for once.

Can't you at least act grateful?

You know, Judy, sometimes... you're okay.

We just have to make
one quick stop on the way.

Stop?

No! Judy, no stops.

Judy, where are you taking me?

Judy!

[footsteps]

[click]

That's me! Huh?

[honk honk]

[Doug] It all started
on a Friday afternoon.

So, you guys got any plans
for the weekend?

[sighs] Nah, some comic books,
a little dirt biking,

the usual.

Me neither.

A little Polo, a little high tea
in the Bahamas.

Same old, same old.

Hey, I know.

What do you say we go to Funkytown?

We did that last weekend.

Any new movies coming out?

Hey, hey, hey there!

Kooky kids.

-[all] Hey, Guy!
-Listen.

How would you guys like to have
a blast this weekend?

Kick out the jams? Blow out the stops?
Really supe things up?

-Know what I mean?
-Cool!

Sounds good to me!

What's the plan?

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

I'll go get the whole g*ng together and...

What do you say we go to Funkytown?

Excellent!

[both] All right!

Catch you cats on the rebound.

I'm off to round up the rest of the pack.
Whoo hoo hoo!

Wait a minute!

Didn't I just suggest
Funkytown a minute ago?

Yeah, but somehow the way Guy said it
it sounded like fun.

Hey, guys, want to come
surfboard skydiving

through the eye of a hurricane?

Uh, not really.

Oh, again?

Hey, you cats,

how's about staring into a corner
and slobbering like a baboon?

All right! That sounds cool!

-Ha ha ha!
-Hoo hoo! All right!

Slobbering!

So let me get this straight.

Everything I say sounds boring,

and everything Guy says sounds fun.

Oh, Doug, don't be ridiculous.

What if Guy said,
"Let's go jump off a building?"

Would that sound fun?

Doug, it was the way you said it.

"Hey, I know, what do you say
we all go to Funkytown."

How can you expect people to get excited
when you don't even sound excited?

Well, I think it sounds
just as boring when Guy says it.

In fact, it sounds so boring,

I'm not even going to come. Grr!

[videogame sounds]

So what are you going to do tomorrow?

Sit home and watch TV?

Fore!

Look, I've got you now, Death Golfer.

I'll sink you like a putt. Ha ha ha!

Ohh.

I thought I'd get some people together
and play basketball.

It's not like everyone's
going to Funkytown.

I mean, I know Al and Moo will be around.

You see? I told you this machine
utilizes the Nieblung 9000 processor.

And I am sure the ones
at Funkytown are no different.

We'll see about that tomorrow,
my overconfident friend.

Looks like you're on your own, man.

Fine by me.

There's lots of fun stuff to do alone
on a Sunday afternoon.

[arf grrr]

[sighs happily] Time for some
rockin' Sunday afternoon TV.

But the vice chairman of the committee

may decide to use a pocket veto

and filibuster the blah blah blah.

[chatter, laughter]

[man] Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

-Say, Patti.
-What... What? Ha ha ha!

Let's stuff cotton candy down our shorts,

pour ketchup in our hair,

and run around squawking like chickens.

Bawk bawk bawk bawk!

Ah ha ha ha! Squawking!

[Doug] It looked like I had really

painted myself into a corner

and thrown away the key.

Then, suddenly,
I made a brilliant decision.

Yes!

I decided to change my mind.

Okay, so who's driving me to Funkytown?

[Doug] So that brings me
back to where I started.

Stop on the way?

But, Judy, I have to meet everybody
at Funkytown at 2:30.

We'll have plenty of time, Dougie.

We're just stopping at
one tiny little store.

[Doug] Snord Gruppen? Not Snord Gruppen!

No!

♪ Snord Gruppen, Snord Gruppen ♪

♪ The store is for you ♪

♪ Then you come and we eat
A raw steak with you ♪

♪ Oom ja ja, oom ja ja ♪

Judy, this is Snord Gruppen!

It's the biggest store in the world!

You can spend hours in this place.

Calm down. I just have to buy a bookshelf.

It won't take long.

♪ Snord Gruppen, Snord Gruppen ♪

♪ The store is for you ♪

Welcome to Snord Gruppen,
ja, the store for you.

Couldn't you buy it some other time?

Doug, you know Mom and Dad

never give me the car to go shopping.

Hurry up, let's find
the living room section.

♪ Snord Gruppen, Snord Gruppen ♪

♪ The store is for you ♪

♪ Then you come and we eat
A raw steak with you ♪

Here we go. This looks like
a good bookshelf.

What I love about this stuff

is it's all interlocking and stackable.

Aah!

Do you need helping, yes?

This bookshelf spat on me.

This is sink, madam. You are in Kitchens.

Living Room is that way.

Ohh, ugh.

Judy, this is taking longer
than you said it would.

Cool it, Dougie.
We're practically out of here.

See? This is just what I need.

A low, sleek shelving unit.

-[car engine starts]
-[beep beep]

It's a car.
Bookshelf, second floor, madam.

Judy, it's late. I'm going to be late.

Don't you have any bookshelves
in this place?

Bookshelf? What is this bookshelf?

A bookshelf!

A bunch of flat, interlockable,
stackable surfaces

on which to place books!

[all] Hmm?

Hmm?

[all] Ahh, spielgroot!

Ah ha ha ha!

We have nothing like this
in Snord Gruppen.

Our books are interlocking
and stackable. See?

Huh. Acting so superior
with their interlocking, stackable

"bookshelf? What is this bookshelf?"

Forget about it, Judy, I've got 20 minutes
to get to Funkytown.

Okay, we'll make it.

I just have to head back home,
then we'll go straight there.

What do you mean, back home?
Why can't we go straight there from here?

Well, I don't know
how to get there from here.

Judy, that's ridiculous.

Look, you just go left onto
the Old Post Mill Road to the interstate

then go two exits and we're there.

Doug, I am not comfortable
with that. Okay?

Let's just go home and
then we'll be able to--

No! No way.

It's your fault
I'm late in the first place.

The least you could do is get me there
the fastest way possible.

[Doug] Left. Turn left.

Oh, all right, then.

Thanks, Judy. Don't worry.
It'll be a cinch.

Uh... no.

Yes! Turn here. Turn here!

Ohh.

[Doug] I was beginning to think that
maybe I should have listened to Judy.

We should have gone home first.

Doug, we're lost.

No, I... I... I think we're...

Doug, we are lost.

L-O-S-T, lost!

Hey!

There it is! The interstate.

It's just past the tollbooth.

Funkytown is right down that road.

See? I told you.

Passports, please.

[Skeeter] Right, no, right. Now left.

Road k*ll!
Swerve, brake, no, fire thrusters.

I wonder what's keeping Doug?

Maybe he changed his mind again.

Funkytown. Funkytown.
Exit three to Funkytown.

Well, it's a good thing that border guard
gave us directions.

I cannot believe
your utter incompetence at navigation.

We weren't even in the right country!

Well, excuse me,
Miss One Little Side Trip.

-I have to stop here.
-Stop? No way!

No more stops. I'm late enough as it is.

Dougie, I have to stop.

What do you mean you have to?
Nobody has to.

Ahem.

Oh. You mean you have to...

-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
-Yeah.

[man on radio]
The couple was found stranded

on a deserted island
in the middle of Lake Ocabago.

They said they had gotten lost
on the interstate

and had been kidnapped
by a g*ng of bikers.

The bikers are still
at large and dangerous.

Hey, kid.

Need directions?

No, thanks.

[Doug] I wonder what
everybody's doing at Funkytown.

I can just imagine
how much fun they were having.

-[wolf howling]
-[girl screams]

Boy, we sure are having
more fun than Doug is.

Doug sure is missing all the fun.

[Doug] Yeah, I bet
even Beebe's having fun.

Hit him, Jenkins.

[crash]

[Beebe laughs]

I wonder where Doug could be.

Aw, forget about him, Patti.

Oh, hey, let's take a boat
through Suck-Face Tunnel.

Suck-Face Tunnel? What's that?

I don't know. Doug made it up.

Suck-Face Tunnel

Can't this thing go any faster?

No. Let me know
when you see another rest stop.

What? What for? We just stopped.

I still need to stop. I couldn't find it.

-Couldn't find what? The--
-Ahem.

Well, why didn't you ask someone?

And have everyone stare at me? No, thanks.

Judy, they're all there
for the same reason.

Just look for another rest stop, will you?

Pull over at this gas station.

No. It looks disgusting.

Just pull over.

I don't see one. Do you see one?

One what, Judy? Say the word.

Forget it. Let's go.

So then I go, "Yeah."
And then he goes, "Yeah."

Excuse me. Do you have a bathroom?

My sister needs to go.

Oh! As soon as we get to Funkytown,

I'm going to tell that little
skinny-legged blond

you're in love with her.

[gasps]

Road's closed.

[both scream]

I can see that. Is there a detour route?

We're trying to get to Funkytown.

Funkytown? Love Funkytown.

Go there by myself all the time.

I like to go on that there roller coaster.

You know, the one that goes,
pee, yo, whee, aah!

-[gasps]
-[both scream]

How nice for you.

How do we get there from here?

Easy. You just go left to Tree Chop Road,

get back on I-12 to Short Pump,

and go about two miles. You can't miss it.

Hey, how's about you and me go out

and catch a movie sometime, pretty lady?
Huh? Huh? Huh?

Thanks for your help.

[tires screech]

-What did he say?
-Something about taking the first right.

Here we are.

Judy, this can't possibly be it.

It's just some tiny little road.

Like I'm really going to
listen to you for directions.

Left.

Now straight.

Now right. Veer left.

Left again.

[Judy] Why does it feel
like we're not getting anywhere?

Okay. I think I know where we are.

We started back here and--

What's that noise?

[both scream]

[both scream]

[car horn honks]

[honks]

[mooing]

[both scream]

[Doug] You have got to be
the worst driver in the world.

No wonder Mom and Dad
never let you have the car.

Well, maybe you'd like to drive, then.

I think I would.

I think I'd like to just take those keys

and drive myself.

Ha. I'd sooner throw these keys
out the window

than let you have them.

Fine. So why don't you
just do it, then, Judy?

Don't think I won't.

Go ahead, then. Do it.

Give me...

No!

[both scream]

Okay. It's okay. Let's just calm down.

Right. They have to be here somewhere.

All we have to do is walk
straight into the woods until we find them

and turn right around
and come straight back.

Uh-huh.

Ooh!

It's no use. They're gone.

We're going to miss Funkytown.

We're going to starve to death.

We're going to be stuck here together

for the rest of our lives.

Got 'em.

Right. Now back to the car.

[coyote howls]

[owl hoots]

[eagle screeches]

[both] Help! Help!

[rooster crows]

[strumming banjo and humming]

♪ Hey hey hi hey hi... Huh? ♪

[Scottish accent] Hey, what are you
doing in the polder?

We're lost. We can't find our car.

Can you help us?
We're trying to get to Funkytown.

Nay, I dinna ken Funkytown.

But if ye ask Parson Edmonds,

he perhaps hath heard of such a boon.

[church bell tolls]

Ooh.

Excuse me, is there a telephone nearby?

-Tele-how such?
-You know, a phone.

It's like a box
and you talk to people on it.

Leave off your foolery,
ye young rapscallion.

Judy, is it possible we drove through

a hole in the time-space continuum?

Don't be ridiculous.

It's impossible.

Look, I'll prove it to you.

Excuse me, what is today's date?

The 14th of June, sure.

What year?

Why, 1683, of course.

[both scream]

Wait a minute.

Q. Siminski?

Um...

Q! You get back here!

Q., I don't know what
you're trying to pull,

but I swear, I'll...

[gasps]

Judy, we're here. We're in Funkytown.

We made it. We're in Funkytown.

We're in Funkytown!

Funkytown?

What is this Funkytown?

Judy, tell your brother to can it.

Inside the fence you've got to pretend

it's the 17th century.

Ohh, I get it.

[Scottish accent] Ach, good, my brother.

Leave off with your tiresome complaints

and let us hie ourselves hither

to rejoin our hale and hearty fellows.

Judy, stop babbling.

Look, we're trying to get into Funkytown.

We've been driving all day.

How do we get past that fence?

Fence?

Of what fence speakest thou?

Play along, Doug.

We can leave with the rest of the tour.

There he is. The one who spake

of the magic box, Parson.

Is this some form of witchcraft?

Some deviltry of which thou speakst?

Thou knowest the penalty

for such things in this town.

[townspeople jeering]

Perfect.

I'm going to turn you into a toad.

[Doug] This wasn't the first time

Judy had gotten me
into an awful situation.

There was the time she decided

to redesign our soccer team's uniforms.

Huh?

Timeout. Headwear timeout.

[Doug] And there was the time
I was ear wax in Judy's hygiene play.

Ow. Ooh. Stop it. Ow.

What are you doing? Leave me alone.

[Doug] Today was just the worst.

Jimmy, get closer to the witches

so I can get your picture.

No, I'm scared.

Thanks for the ride, Judy.

You're the one who got us lost.

Anyway, I got you to Funkytown, didn't I?

Oh, yeah. Here we are in Funkytown.

Yippee. Hooray.

Well, if you could've kept your mouth shut
for five more minutes,

instead of blabbing about cars
and telephones and...

Cars?

Telephones?

What manner of deviltry is this?

-[both] b*at it!
-Eee...

But no.

You were too eager to meet
that little chicken-legged blond.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know who I mean.

That chicken-legged blond.

-The one over there. [gasps]
-[gasps]

-Doug?
-Chicken. I mean, Patti.

Am I glad to see you.

How'd you guys get into these things?

Did you have to buy a special ticket?

Where have you been all this time?

Aw, never mind that. Let's hit some rides.

[man on PA] Funkytown is now closed.

Have a funky day.

[powering down]

After all that, we get here too late.

What happened to you guys?

No comment.

It was a nightmare.

First, Judy decides she needs a bookshelf,

so she drags me to Snord Gruppen,

which we figured out is Viking for,

"Anything but bookshelves."

[Doug] There were all these weird,
froogy-woogy people there.

I bet they were made of
interlocking, stackable parts.

[Doug] As I told Patti what had happened
to Judy and me,

it started to seem, well, not so bad.

In fact, it was kind of funny.

[both] Cow! Whoa!

[both] Help! Help!

♪ Dee Dee dum Dee Dee ♪

Ha ha ha. A-and you really thought
you'd gone back in time?

Oh, ho ho, well, you know,

my brother has an overheated imagination.

Hey, you were freaked, too, Judy.

Well, let's just say concerned.

Ha ha ha.

I cannot stop.

I cannot stop.

I fear implosion is imminent.

[both laugh]

Awesome story, man.

How about you guys?

I guess you must've had lots of fun

while we were wandering around.

Well, all the rides were pretty much
the same as ever, so, you know.

I don't know, guys.

Patti and I had a fantabulous time.

It was kickin'. It was slammin'. It was...

Hey, Guy, cut the hype.

Can't you just admit it was a little dull?

You always make such a production
out of everything.

Well, excuse me for putting

a positive spin on things.

I would've rather been on the road
with you, Doug.

[Doug] So, Journal,
I guess Patti was right

in the first place.

Almost anything is fun and exciting

if you decide it's fun and exciting.

It's all in the way you look at it.

[gasps] The car.

[gasps]

[Patti] Are you positive
you left it around here?

[murmuring]

[Doug] So, Patti, what did Guy mean

when he said you had a fantabulous time?

[Pattie] Nothing.

[Doug] You never heard of
Suck-Face Tunnel?

[Pattie] Doug, what are you talking about?

[Doug] Nothing.

[closing theme music playing]