14x12 - Jade in the Shade

[bunniefuu]

[LOUISE] Yes, yes, yes! Oh, my god,

oh, my god, oh, my god,
it's gonna be so great.

And I thought Gene was excited

- about pancakes.
- Pancakes!

- LOUISE: Oh, pancakes schmancakes.
- BOTH: Hey.

We're going on the
bootlegger tour today.

Yeah, we are. You and me.

Two tickets to the tour at
the hotel down the street.

- [WHOOPS] History.
- Seriously, Louise? Learning stuff?

On a Saturday? You've changed, man.

Yeah, history? More like his-bore-y.

'Cause it's boring? High five?

It's bootleggers, you fools.

Bootleggers and smugglers
used to hang out at that hotel.

At that hotel. What
were they doing in there?

Whatever they wanted.

Selling their illegal
goods and illegal booze.

It was just like a
badass farmers market.

- Don't say "badass."
- Good-ass?

- No.
- Great-ass?

- Okay, fine.
- It's nice that they gave us

free tickets just 'cause
we're a local business.

More places should do that. But not us.

I don't want to give anything away.

Well, I'm excited, too.

Mom and Louise day,
having a bootlegging time.

Oh, should we wear boots?

Or leggings, or both?
Or dress as flappers?

Call ourselves the Bootlegging
Flappy Bappies? Huh?

- [LOUISE] Eh.
- I'll keep thinking.

Who wants to see my flappy bappies?

Bappity-bappity-bappity-bappity.

Hey, Harold and Edith.

- You here for the tour?
- No, we're popping in here

for some afternoon delight.

- Yes, we're here for the tour.
- Okay.

[MANAGER] Hello, and welcome

to our new dishin'
about prohibition tour.

Let me take you all the way
back to... oh, hello there.

- Ugh. Logan?
- Ew.

- Cynthia?
- Hmm.

- [BOTH RETCHING]
- Okay, hey, let's get started.

Can we? Let me take you all
the way back to the jazz age,

when flappers were flappenin'
and illegal hooch was happenin'.

And the hats? Don't get
me started on the hats.

Tell us about the hats.

It's just, people had amazing hats.

Whoa, look out the window.
That's balloon lady.

Mom hasn't been gone 20 minutes

and dad already has a wandering eye.

No, Gene. Balloon lady.

One of the sidewalk performers
from down by the wharf.

- She's a ba-luminary.
- [GENE] Oh, yeah.

[GENE] Wait, is that the bubble master?

- Yes, it is.
- Holy crap. Two heavyweights.

[GENE] And Doug the juggler?

- Are you kidding me?
- [TINA] And, also,

a guy with a bunch of dirty pipes.

Oh, my god, they're coming in.

Okay, we're all here.

And pipe guy, for some reason.

I overheard you guys when
I was lurking near you.

Now, how do we decide
who gets Giovanni's spot?

We fight? I'm up for fighting.

Um, what's going on?

- Giovanni d*ed.
- Oh, no.

Is that the guy who
tap-danced on a piece of wood?

Yeah, I guess you could
say he, uh, tapped out.

And he had the best
spot on front street.

Right by the entrance to the wharf.

So now we're trying to
decide who gets his spot.

- And I think it should be me.
- Oh, please, bubble boy.

I'm making a balloon sword.

- Let's all make weapons.
- That's cute.

- I juggle real swords.
- [GRUMBLES]

Uh, would any of you
like to order something

before you sword-fight?

- Ah, fine. - Okay.
- Yeah.

Are those leaking something?

- Uh, probably.
- Okay.

[MANAGER] So here we have

an ordinary bookcase. Just
your regular old... wuh-oh!

- Whoa.
- Or is it a secret entrance

to the hotel's old speakeasy?

It is. Go on in!

From 1920 to 1933,

this was a well-hidden haven
for drinking gin and doing sins.

After prohibition, it became

a very inconvenient storage room,

but now it's a bar again.

- Go ahead, look around.
- Ho-ho,

we have way too few secret
rooms at our restaurant.

You've mentioned that.

[MANAGER] [OLD-TIMEY VOICE]
Look out, the cops are coming!

- Harold, hold my stash.
- [GRUNTS]

[REGULAR VOICE] If law
enforcement showed up,

the doorman would warn the
naughty patrons inside here

through this simple hose with a little

bell thingy at the end of it that

- looks like a flower.
- Oh.

And then the bartender
could talk back through it.

[OLD-TIMEY VOICE] "Thanks
for the warning, buddy."

[REGULAR VOICE] And
everyone could escape

through a secret tunnel behind the bar

that led to the pier.

- Oh.
- That same tunnel

was also used by the bootleggers

to sneak booze and other
smuggled items into the hotel.

It was just a really great tunnel.

- Is the tunnel still here?
- Uh, sadly, no.

No, the whole thing was
filled in by the city in 1953.

No sense of fun, those city people.

But everything else
here is still intact,

so you can have a look around, and then

I'll take you to room 111,

where the notorious smuggler
Slippery Sam always stayed,

and where he was eventually betrayed.

You can react. You could gasp or "ooh,"

- or somethin' like...
- [ALL OOHING]

- Wow.
- Thank you, that's great.

[TEDDY] They're having a
sit-down in your restaurant?

That's a big deal. I
don't think anyone's

- ever seen them all in one place.
- Like the Beatles.

- Well, I get the biggest crowds.
- Ha! Maybe 15 years ago.

Bubbles are over. Can you make
a bald eagle out of a bubble?

- I don't think so.
- Bubbles will never be over.

Bubbles are forever.

Bubbles, balloons,
you both blow. Get it?

I found these pipes in a
dumpster by a grocery store.

Look, this isn't getting us anywhere.

There is only one thing left
TO DO: Let the street decide.

Uh, w-what does that mean?

We perform and the winner
is chosen by the audience.

Wow. Uh, when are you gonna do that?

- And-and where?
- Right here, right now.

- [ALL GASP]
- Wait, what?

- They mean us. We would decide.
- Ooh.

- I think I'm gonna throw up.
- Well, that's the least fun

street performance.

So, this is the room 111,

where Slippery Sam would always stay.

But they could have called him
"suspicious of everyone" Sam,

because he made
modifications to the room...

Unbeknownst to management...

In order to hide his stolen goods

from his fellow thieves
and ne'er-do-wells.

Just an ordinary bedpost, right?

[ALL OOHING]

And did you notice the antique outlets?

Aha!

- [ALL OOHING]
- But the hiding spot

for his most famous hidden
loot has never been found.

- Why not?
- I was getting to that.

- Oh.
- In 1932,

Sam checked into the hotel
hoping to find a fence

for the Jade jellyfish.

A dazzling piece of home decor
that was estimated to be worth

around $40,000 at that time,

which today would be the
equivalent of over $700,000.

- [ALL OOHING] - Holy crap!
- The Jade jellyfish

was stolen from its original owner,

a New York collector
named Carlyle Linus,

and hidden somewhere
in or around the hotel

while a sale was arranged.

Slippery Sam had more
than his share of enemies,

so not only did he hide the jellyfish,

he also left behind a letter
for his girlfriend Mimi Molero,

in case anything should happen to him.

But it would turn out to be Mimi herself

who would betray Slippery Sam.

[GASPS] Mimi.

Yes. On October 15th, 1932,

Mimi was arrested for
running an unlicensed casino

on a converted barge out in the bay.

She called it the S.S. Perfectly Legal,

but it certainly was not.

To avoid jail time,
she sang like a canary

about her notorious boyfriend,

giving the G-Men enough
dirt to put Sam away

for the rest of his life.

Which wasn't long, because
he d*ed in a sh**t-out

in this very hotel

when they tried to
take him into custody.

- Aw.
- See? That's why you don't need

- a girlfriend, Logan.
- Mom.

Now, Sam's letter to Mimi was discovered

in the bedpost years later.

A cryptic clue from a dead
smuggler to a femme fatale.

"Our green friend... "
Clearly, the jellyfish...

"Has made a home 20
paces west of Poseidon."

Nearly everyone agrees that "Poseidon,"

Greek god of the sea,
means the hiding spot

was 20 paces from the ocean,

and this almost certainly
refers to some nook

in the now filled-in
bootleggers' tunnel

which ran under front street.

If only he used the hotel safe, right?

- [SOFT LAUGHTER]
- Yeah, that was funny.

Now, if you'll follow me back
to our Speakeasy/VIP lounge,

you can enjoy a complimentary
Rumrunner's Blind Blackout...

Which I believe is
apple juice... Or peruse

our updated cocktail list
and light appetizer menu.

- [EDITH] Is there a discount?
- [MANAGER] There is not, but...

- [EDITH] I'll take the juice.
- [MANAGER] All right.

Let's not stay. I don't want to stay.

Also, I have to pee. Let's go.

Bye. Bye. So sorry we couldn't chat.

- [GROANS]
- [LINDA] Oh, there you are.

Do you want to split this
tomato-feta thing with me?

-[WHISPERING] Mom. Sorry. Listen.
-Ow, ow.

- What?
- We know something

about the Jade jellyfish
that the manager doesn't.

- That no one else knows.
- We-we do?

- Yes.
- What?

"Poseidon" doesn't mean the sea.

It's got to be the Poseidon
statue near the ride.

In Fischoeder's secret
clubhouse under the pier.

The statue where you pinch his nipples?

Yes. We can go there and
maybe find the Jade Jellyfish.

Find it? I-I don't know.

Please? I need you.

We're the Bootlegging Flappy Bappies.

We are? You and me? Flappy Bappies?

Flappin' together, Bappin' forever?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So?

[WHISPERS] Okay, okay, let's do it.

Let's go find the jolly jellyfish.

- [LOUISE] Jade.
- [LINDA] Yeah.

- Hmm.
- Okay, ready.

You sure you don't
have to tinkle-dinkle?

Ugh, yes. But, hey, mom,
want to make $700,000?

Ugh, you sound just like your father.

I am not selling vitamins to my friends.

No, Mom. [INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

And then... [INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

Did you brush your teeth today?

Mom! No.

So, yeah, we're gonna go
find Slippery Sam's Jellyfish

in the under-pier.

[BOB] Linda, what are you talking about?

[WHISPERING] Louise thinks she can find

this smuggler's jellyfish thingy

- they told us about on the tour.
- Okay.

I know, I'm sure it's long gone by now,

but Bob, we're doing a thing together.

She wants to do it with me.

We don't have a lot of things like that,

and this one I didn't
have to force at all.

Remember when I tried to make her watch

Knots Landing reruns with me?

- Mom. Come on.
- [REGULAR VOLUME] Okay.

Okay, see you soon, bye.

All right, come on. Here we go.

Damn it. Who locks the door

to a secret underground clubhouse?

No-fun poopheads, that's who.

Hey, you want to go get
a hot dog or ice cream?

Yes, that's it. Ice cream.

- [CACKLES]
- Oh, great.

- I'm hungry.
- No, that's another way

to get into the under-pier.

- Oh.
- Let's go.

Ah... ow!

- It's a little cold for ice cream.
- I don't think

they're getting ice cream.

But if they are, I want some.

Ah, not before you've
had some growing food.

Don't say "growing food." Ugh!

- Hi.
- Hello.

Uh, can I get a sample of
the double-fudge nut blast?

- Mom. Oh, my gosh.
- What?

The weirdest thing... We just saw

Mr. Fischoeder, your boss, right?

- Yeah?
- He's over on the wonder wheel

throwing paper airplanes
made out of ten dollar bills.

Seriously? I love ten dollar bills.

- Be right back.
- You're a sneaky little

- Slippery Sam, aren't you?
- I can be somewhat slippery.

- Wow, look at that.
- After you?

- Wait, no, I lied. After me.
- Yep, yep.

[TEDDY] A Chinese dragon
made out of balloons?

[TINA] How is anyone gonna top this?

- Nudity? - Probably not.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

- Sorry.
- You guys like showstopping finales?

[TEDDY] I do.

- [TINA] Whoa.
- Oh, my god.

- Wow. That's impressive.
- Oh...

You and I are gonna get married.

- Oops.
- Who's next?

Who's next? This is the
most amazing day of my life!

You know, it's actually
kind of fun down here

when no one's chasing you
and trying to m*rder you.

I guess most places are like that.

So, the secret clubhouse
with the Poseidon statue

will look just like a wall
with some crap around it.

Oh, whoa, I tripped on a seahorse.

Aw, they're cute. Except that one.

Mom, come on. We're down here

to find the Jade Jellyfish,
not to look at cute old things.

You're right. Besides, I
can look at cute old things

when we get home and see your father.

[LAUGHS] Good... that's a good...

Know what? Stop getting distracted.

Right, right, right. Aw, dead pigeon.

- Mom!
- Yep, yep, yep, yep.

[TINA] Seems like one we
could have done outside.

For those of us who have to mop

- all this up later.
- Tina, shh.

[GENE] Whoa.

- He just made smoking cool again.
- Yeah.

- [BOTH] Wow.
- What?!

He's amazing.

I call it "reincarnation's
infinite spirit."

Heh. Okay.

I do feel a little reincarnated.

Wait till I go.

Uh, excuse me, can-can I wash

my flip flops in your sink?

Uh, uh, uh...

I... yeah, in the bathroom.

Oh, never mind. [SNORTING]

I've got more spit than I thought.

- Gross.
- Mm.

Ugh, why does this secret clubhouse

have to be so damn secret?

Well, I think the important thing is

the Bootlegging Flappy
Bappies are having themselves

- quite an adventure.
- Can't we just be The Bootleggers?

The Bootlegging Belchers?

No. Anyway, I'm glad we're doing this,

- no matter what happens.
- Oh, my god.

The clubhouse. This is
it. The hatch! We found it.

- Yay!
- Let's open this baby up.

Somehow, from the outside...

- [BOTH GRUNTING]
- [LOGAN] Mom, walk faster.

- Dang it. Wait.
- We're gonna lose them, come on.

[SHUSHES] Hold on.

[CYNTHIA] These are
not good walking shoes...

- Do you hear something?
- What? What?

[LOGAN] You never bring
good walking shoes.

I'm gonna buy you
some comfortable flats.

- Some sensible flats.
- Oh, no.

- Logan?
- Oh. Hey, Louise.

Hi, Linda.

Quick, let's hit 'em over
the head with something heavy.

No, never mind.

What? You can't just take
a great idea back like that.

I can't believe you
followed us here, Logan.

Wait, how did you
know to follow us here?

Oh, just a little thing
called hearing you talk

about finding the Jade Jellyfish

through the secret pipes
on the hotel tour thing.

Damn it. That's so sneaky.

I have to respect it but
I also don't like you,

so i-I'm at a loss here.

You'll also be at a loss when we find

the Jellyfish before you.

Now, would you do me a
favor and-and just tell me

where this Poseidon ride is?

Uh, I mean, I think Poseidon
rode, like, a seahorse?

So maybe that has
something to do with it?

Seahorse, huh?

But, ugh. What am I saying?

Why am I telling you any of this?

- Wait, what? Oh. Quiet, Louise.
- Oh, Logan. What about

- the seahorses we saw back...
- Mom!

It's probably not even down here.

Let's just go home and be the
amount of rich we already are.

We're leaving? Oh, thank
god. I need a shower.

And you are definitely
doing a tubby tonight.

- Mom!
- A bath, a bath.

- Idiots.
- Good thinking, Louise.

- You clever little cutie patootie.
- Okay, come on.

- Use that mom strength.
- [BOTH GRUNTING]

Use your muscles, Mom. Please. Come on.

- [GRUNTING]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute. 20 paces west.

- What?
- The statue of Poseidon

is right on the other
side of this hatch,

- like, a few feet away.
- Yeah?

So I'm realizing that based
on what side of the country

we live on and how the ocean works,



Outside the hatch. We
don't have to open it.

Well, that's good, 'cause
that thing is not budging.

That wall looks like
it's about 20 paces away.

And it looks like it's been
around for at least 100 years.

- It's got to be in there.
- Wait, in the wall?

Yeah, in the wall. Classic Slippery Sam.

- Come on, come on, come on.
- Um, Louise?

- The boards are cracking.
- Yeah.

But not in, like, too
dangerous of a way.

Oh my god. I-I think
these boards are rotten.

Come on, mom. You know
how old boards are.

They cr*ck. It's part of

- their whole charm.
- I-It's just...

Look, we'll just walk
nice and easy, okay?

See? [VOCALIZING]

Okay, but one more cr*ck
and we're out of here.

- Fine.
- [BOARD CREAKS]

That was more of a creak.

This is also very good.

[TEDDY] Yeah. You think he just
had all those things with him?

What? He did not just do that.

[MUFFLED] Mm, I did do
it. Yeah, I did. I did it.

At any moment, he could have
cut himself with the sword,

taken a bite of the
light-bulb, dropped the apple

on the ground, and then it's all dirty.

[TINA] Damn.

- Yeah.
- I think I'm gonna faint.

And that is why I
deserve Giovanni's spot.

- And they do not.
- [APPLAUSE]

Are you gonna finish that apple

and/or can I play
around with your sword?

- Sure, whatever. Here, catch.
- Yay!

- No.
- Boo.



[GROANS] I guess I'll
have to do all of them.

You seem cranky. Are you hungry?

- I brought raisins.
- No.

Okay, maybe a handful.

Louise, I really want you to come back.

In a minute. I'm just
gonna try this way.

Louise. I'd come grab you,

but I'm too heavy and i'm
afraid we'd both fall through.

So please walk your little
feet back towards me,

slowly and carefully,
but also somehow quickly.

I am walking back toward you,
but I got to go the long way,

toward the wall, which coincidentally

is where the Jellyfish
is, which is unrelated.

I'm just walking back towards
you the long way, okay?

Uh-oh.

- Whoa!
- Louise!

- Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
- Oh, no.

We were so close.

Okay, minor setback. Let's think.

Louise! We are not
gonna find the Jellyfish!

- What?
- I'm sorry, sweetie. I just...

There's just no way
it's still down here.

What do you mean? The letter said...

It's been 100 years.

Things get bashed around and
filled in and washed away.

It's just how it is with
things. I can barely find

- my car keys when I need 'em.
- So this whole time,

you never thought we'd
find the Jellyfish?

- I mean... eh...
- Then w-what are we doing down here?

Aw, honey. Having fun, right?

The Bootlegging Flappy Bappies?

No. No. No Bootlegging Flappy Bappies.

You've just been lying
to me this whole time.

- I'm sorry.
- You're a bootlegging flappy liar!

Louise, no. Ugh, another dead pigeon.

I can't believe this
whole time you were just

playing pretend with me.

- Like I'm a child.
- I mean, you are a child.

I'm not a child. I'm nine.

Listen, it's been so great
spending the day with you,

seeing you so excited.
When you have kids,

you'll see how happy it makes
you to see your kids happy.

We were doing it together, you and me.

We had a thing,
something we could share.

- Until it almost got you k*lled.
- I just...

I know it's there, Mom. I know it.

Huh. You really believe that, don't you?

Yes. I do.

- Okay.
- Okay? Like, okay okay?

- Yes. [GROANS]
- [GASPS]

Damn your sweet little
face full of hope.

If you really believe it, then...

I'm gonna believe it,
too. Maybe. Sort of.

But if you die, you
and I are going to have

big problems, lady. Big problems.

- Okay, yeah.
- All right, I think I have an idea.

I'm a little terrified
about what this is gonna be.

What is dripping out of those pipes?

- Let's call it water.
- Mm.

♪ ♪

- Damn.
- Oh, my god.

I'm crying, I'm crying.

- So he wins?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Giovanni's spot
is all yours, pipe guy.

You beautiful freak.

Thank you all. But,
honestly, we should share it.

- What?
- Yeah, what?

- Then what the hell was all of this?
- Tina, calm down.

I really just want Thursday
mornings and Sunday afternoons.

You sure you want to do that?

It's what Giovanni would have wanted.

And I should know. He was my dad.

- He was? - What?!
- Okay, probably not.

But let's just share the spot.
I've written out a schedule for you.

It's-it's on a pipe, but still.

- Seems fair. - Works for me.
- Yeah, I can work with this.

Wow, great. Now, uh,
now that that's settled,

can, uh, can I bring
you guys some lunch?

- You guys want to split a burger?
- All right.

- Sure. - Okay.
- So one burger, split four ways?

Well, there's four of us.

I'll split it. I got the sword.

Maybe five ways? I would have some.

This was a great idea, mom.

[GROANS] I hate this idea.

Leaving is a good idea,
but we're doing this.

Yep. Yep we are.

[GROANS] Can't I be the
one to go out on the board?

Uh, no, you weigh
more than me, remember?

Stupid adult body.

[GROANS, MOANS]

Okay, yeah, just checking the panels.

How long are we gonna do this?
Like, like, five more seconds?

Where are you?

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

Ha! I mean, shh.

- Mom. Mom! Look.
- What?

- Holy crap.
- [LAUGHS] Ooh! Shh. Shh.

Keep it down. Mom,
keep it down, but look.

Okay, okay, time to come
back. Come, come, come, come.

I knew it. I knew it. I was
right and you were wrong.

You thought I was just a child.

Uh-huh. Okay, okay. You were right.

- Oh, my gosh.
- You were right. Let, let's just not

fall into the ocean and drown to death.

You were like, "oh, I'll
just pretend around her,"

- but it's real.
- Louise.

- Will you ever doubt me again?
- No, no, no.

- Eh, I don't know, maybe.
- It's amazing.

- Put it under your coat.
- Oh, ooh.

Oop, oof. Ooh, it's squishing my boob.

Dang it. Where is it? [GROANS]

You know, we could probably find

some bootlegger treasure on eBay.

- You think so?
- I'm gonna say yes.

- More raisins?
- Thanks, mom.

All right, all we got to do now
is get past the ice cream kid.

Follow my lead, and we'll
be Jade in the shade.

- [FISCHOEDER] Hello.
- [BOTH] Aah!

You, uh, take any good
bootlegger tours lately?

- Hmm. I-I don't think so.
- Heh. Yeah, I-I hate tours.

You weren't scurrying around under there

looking for my Jade Jellyfish, were you?

Your Jade Jellyfish? That
belonged to Slippery Sam.

Um, if... it-it would if
it-if it was still there,

or if I... you know, I don't even
know what you're talking about.

As owner of this property,
you should understand,

if it were there, it would belong to me.

Unrelated... have you got

- something under your coat?
- Her boobs?

- Three of them?
- Don't judge.

- Come on, give it. Give it here.
- Sorry, hon. - [GROANS]

Oh, you're gonna make
Fischy so much money.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

- Well, it's worth nothing.
- Wait, what?

Yes, I had the Jade Jellyfish appraised.

And, oddly enough, it's
not made out of Jade.

- [GROANS]
- Does it even have jelly in it?

The Dyed Quartz Jellyfish
would be a more accurate name.

- Aw.
- There was a lot of that going around

back in the Jade craze days.

But I sold it to that
rube manager at the hotel

for him to use as part of his tour.

After some fierce negotiating,
we settled on $100.

And since you found
it, I'm giving you half.

Yes! I get 50 bucks.

- Minus expenses.
- Expenses?

I had to invest in locks for the hatches

to the under-pier, thank you very much.

And I had to get a fun
keychain for the keys.

Look, it's a little palm
tree. Don't touch it.

Anyway, I deducted those
costs, and this is for you.

- $17.
- Okey dokey.

- It's something.
- Now, be a lamb and stop trespassing

- on my property, okay?
- [GENE] No!

- Bye.
- Mom, we're pretty good at this.

You know what I'm thinking?
You, me, Lost City of Atlantis.

I bet it's in Atlanta.
Has anyone looked there?

I don't know. Maybe?
When's your spring break?

Or maybe just find some more,
uh, you know, walking-distance

- treasures, closer to...
- Don't be jealous.

So Louise, what are you
gonna spend your money on?

I think I know what
I'm gonna do with it.

♪ ♪

♪ Flappy Bappies ♪

♪ Flappy Bappies, Flappy Bappies ♪

♪ Flappy Bappies ♪

♪ Flappy Bappies, Flappy Bappies ♪

♪ Bootlegging Flappy Bappies ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Flappin' together ♪

♪ Bappin' forever ♪

♪ Flappy Bappies ♪

♪ Flappy Bappies, Flappy Bappies ♪

♪ Flappy Bappies ♪

♪ Flappy Bappies, Flappy Bappies ♪

♪ Bootlegging Flappy Ba... ♪