[Phone ringing]
Hello.
(Woman) Jay, this is the fox network with a little advice.
At the beginning of each show, why don't you write on a chalkboard like Bart? And could you change your name to homer? And wear an 8-foot-tall blue wig like Marge? And how would you feel about sucking on a pacifier? [Ice cracking]
[All screaming]
[All groaning]
[Dinosaur screeching]
[Both yelling]
It stinks.
Hello, and welcome to coming attractions.
Tonight we'll be reviewing Keanu Reeves in speed reading.
All right, hotshot, you think you're so smart.
Let's see you read this book.
Bogus.
If you read under 50 words a minute, this book explodes.
Ready? Begin.
[Beeping]
"One f-f-fish.
Tuwo.
" Oh, no.
"2 2 fi" Oh, "fish.
" "Red fi" It's fish, you idiot! Fish! [Beeping]
Dude, now I lost my place.
That was not a clip.
That was the entire movie.
We'll also review Jim carrey as our 16th president in Abe Lincoln: Pet detective.
4 score and 7 years ago And now, a rebuttal from the South.
So this is what America really thinks is funny: A talking butt? [Laughing]
A talkin' butt! [Laughing]
Well, you'll never see me stoop to humor so low.
[Screaming]
[Grunts]
I think Humphrey's dead.
We're free! (All) Yay! No more stupid songs! [Groans]
Jay, I want a word with you.
Oh, this is embarrassing enough.
Couldn't you speak to me face-to-face? Doris.
Mr.
sherman, I'm here for your publicity photo.
Gotta go! Jay, you've become an embarrassment to this network.
And wipe that silly smile off your face! You have to lose weight.
Have you ever considered that you might have cheap, shoddy floors? Hey, rush limbaugh is 3 floors up, and he isn't having any problems.
[Wood cracking]
(Rush) Whoa! Whoa! (Jay) Hey, rush, race you to the lobby.
(Rush) I accept your challenge, you liberal cream puff.
Hmm, liberal cream puff.
[Wood cracking]
(Jay and rush) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Children, before your president's physical fitness test, we have a brief film from the president himself.
[Hail to the chief playing]
In order to keep America strong, we must keep America fit.
That's why I sir, your lunch is here.
Thank you, George.
So you see, kids, physical fitness is essential [wood cracking]
Whoa! [Cat yowling]
(Clinton) Sorry, socks.
I'm sure we all appreciate president's Clinton's ground-breaking message.
[Laughing]
Now, on with the tests.
[All grunting]
[Groaning]
[Panting]
Marty sherman, you can't even do one sit-up? Even the boy from easter island can do one.
[Grunting]
I am sorry, Martin.
You are not fit.
[Stomach gurgling]
From now on you must go to remedial gym.
[Children moaning]
Oh, wait, that's remedial choir.
Oh, what a crummy day.
Now, son, it's not our fault the way we are.
We just have fat genes.
[Heart b*ating]
I'm not making him fat.
Me neither.
Are you making him fat? Uh, no.
You know, you could do something about your problems instead of sittin' there like a couple of lazy lumps.
One of these days, Alice, bang, zoom, right to the moon! You tell her, daddy boy, hey, hey.
Hmm.
(Fred) Hi.
That was me.
Baseball manager Fred mahoney.
And here's how I look today.
My friends used to call me "fatso.
" Now they call me "stinky.
" How did I do it? Camp mahasapateeya.
It's an Indian word meaning "results may vary.
" At camp mahasapateeya, we welcome adults and children who wish to lose weight.
We offer a scientifically-proven program of diet, exercise and t*rture.
Whoops, did I say t*rture? I meant, uh, macrame.
[Slurping]
With delicious low-Cal cuisine, supervised by our world-famous chef, vlada veramirovich.
I do it because I love you.
(Male announcer) Vlada receives $5,000,000 for his services and does not love any of you.
You know, son, that camp sounds like fun.
You and I could spend some time together out in the country.
And maybe we'll lose weight.
Yeah, although I will miss being able to do this.
[Trumpet playing]
Oh, yeah! Heh, heh.
(Man on p.
A.
System) Passengers for camp mahasapateeya, the blubber bus is boarding.
Now, don't lose too much weight.
You're perfect, plus 10 pounds.
Alice, this is my ex-wife, ardeth.
Beware, beware, beware! Ardeth, the judge says you are not allowed to deliver spooky warnings to my girlfriend.
[Grunting]
And no hexes, either.
Goodbye, Marty.
I wrote you a letter.
You can read it on the bus.
Hi, everybody.
I'm Jeff.
Welcome to camp mahasapateeya.
Now, I know you've said, "somewhere under this flab there's a skinny little guy screaming to get out.
" (Man) Let me out.
Let me out.
That's better.
Dad, this is fun.
Look, it's the kids from exorcism camp.
Sound off.
[All moaning]
Sound off.
[All moaning]
Overeating is but a symptom.
Hypnosis will find the cause of your disease.
Now go back, back to where the problem began.
[Ticking]
Mama.
Mama.
Feed him with my what? I don't even know this person.
[Whimpering]
Dieting requires inner strength.
You can lose your self-consciousness by listening to nature.
[Both humming]
(Grass) How come that grass is greener? (Bull) I feel like a cow trapped in a bull's body.
(Brook) Do I babble too much? I I think I babble too much.
(All) Kumbaya, my lord Kumbaya oh, lord Kumbaya something's burnin', my lord, Kumbaya I think it's you, dad kumba yah! [Fire crackling]
[Screaming]
[Sniffing]
(Jay) I smell McNuggets.
[Sniffs]
Chicken McNuggets! Ooh, my favorite mcnugget of all! Oh! Oh! [Door closes]
Listen up, people, we have a fugitive.
I want a hard target search of every steak house, pancake house, coffee house, house of pies found him.
House of pies.
Look at you, Marty.
You've hiked 10 Miles and you're not even winded.
Yeah, but I think my dad may be delirious.
Must see Tom cruise win Oscar in MyLifetime.
You've lost 35 pounds.
Congratulations.
See you next month, Oprah.
You've lost 2 pounds.
Yes! Back to my college weight.
Marty, I'm really proud of you.
You're our most improved camper.
Good going, son.
What a wonderful day.
Hey, look, it's raining toads on the exorcism camp.
[Toads croaking]
[All moaning]
[All grunting]
[All groaning]
You don't belong here, son.
I lost 2 pounds.
All from my stomach.
Nice work, son.
Maybe now we can get Doris to quit smoking.
[Cash register ringing]
I can do this all day.
Tonight, I'll be reviewing Disney's latest feature, the cockroach king, starring Howard stern.
[Music imitating the theme from the lion king playing]
(As James Earl Jones) Behold your king.
(As Howard stern) Right.
I'm your new king.
What do you think of that? Hey, baby, show me your thorax.
[Squeaking]
The only good thing about this film is the edible chocolate roaches they gave out.
Mmm-hmm.
Wait a minute.
Edible roaches don't crawl.
Edible roaches don't crawl! Anyway, our next film is the latest from Belgian kickboxer Jean Paul lepope.
Bag boyz 'n the hood.
Hey, you're not my regular bag boy.
[g*n cocking]
[Karate yells]
[g*n f*ring]
Now what kind of body bag do you want? Paper or plastic? Jean Paul lepope is the worst actor I've ever seen.
And I've seen every movie William shatner ever made.
Even kingdom of the spiders! Although they did give me these edible chocolate spiders.
Mmm-hmm.
[Whimpers]
[Retches]
He thinks I'm worse than shatner? [Grunts]
Hello.
I'm William shatner, and this is celebrity 911.
Tonight, we devote the entire hour to police calls involving James caan.
Caan! You're going to pay for this, sherman.
(Principal on p.
A.
System) Attention, students.
There is a [squeaky voice]
Helium leak in the building.
Ha, ha, ha! [Laughing]
Hey, sherman.
We're going to b*at you up, fatso.
[All laugh]
But I'm not fat anymore.
Well, we're still going to b*at you up.
No, Bruno, that is not our way.
We only b*at up those with obvious flaws.
Say, do you chaps have any vicks vaporub? I have a cold upon my chest.
(Boy) Stop! You're soiling my dickey! [Gasps]
[All sighing]
3 different girls asked me to Friday's dance.
I never knew all the pressures of being popular.
Believe me, I know what it's like to be popular.
Oh, my God! There's a message on my answering machine.
Oh, who could it be? No one ever calls me.
(Jean Paul) Hello, Jay.
This is Jean Paul lepope, and I'm going to k*ll you.
It's 11:30.
Time for Marty to drink his diet coke.
[All sighing]
[Gulping]
(Alice) I should call the police.
Jay's received 2 death threats from Jean Paul lepope, and a dead fish wrapped in a newspaper.
Hey, where's the fish? [Slurps]
Mmm.
Now, don't you worry, honey.
I know how to handle situations like this.
I bought Jay some protection.
[All grunting]
This is my posse.
They're gonna be protecting my own bad self.
Yeah, we tight.
I pity the fool who messes with the "j" team.
I'm cool.
I'm cool.
Dukey-Duke don't dis a man when he's chillin' with his homies.
(Principal on p.
A.
System) Auditions for Peter Pan are being [Squeaky voice]
Held in the auditorium.
[Normal voice]
Stupid helium.
[As marlon brando]
I will take the part of Peter Pan but only for $1 million.
Also the part of captain hook must be played by my good friend, Ben gazzara.
[Groans]
(Marty) Ow! Marty, what are you doing here? I'm hiding from those girls who won't leave me alone.
And I'm hiding from those ruffians who wish to manhandle my dickey.
They've already kicked my ascot.
Don't you recognize me, Marty? I used to be Julie Bolen.
You were "swollen Bolen"? Yes, but that's behind me.
I lost weight and changed my name to Julie pimplepuss.
Uh, that's a pretty name.
But I wanted to give you a warning: Stay thin.
People only like someone based on how they look.
That's not true.
People have just discovered the real me, that's all.
Hello, handsome.
How'd you like to star in the play? Me? But I can't act.
[Laughs]
That's what the young Steve guttenberg told me and look at him now.
Uh, no, look at him 4 years ago.
We've found our Peter Pan! Hey, wait a minute.
Where's the rest of my posse? They left for their own sitcom on fox.
Ah, yes, sweet, nonjudgmental fox network.
Where coming in 3rd is a triumph! [Gasps]
[Footsteps approaching]
Hello, Jay.
Lepope! Prepare to meet your fate.
[g*n clicks]
Oh, my God.
My life is flashing before my eyes.
[Crunching]
Ah, prom night.
Please don't k*ll me.
Please, please, please, please.
Jay, you think I'm going to k*ll you? Yes.
[Lisping]
Then I must be one fantabulous actor! Gotcha! Wait wait a minute.
You were just acting? That's right.
Like most action film stars, I'm dainty as a doily.
Wow.
I guess I owe you an apology.
I'll tell you what.
I promise to give your next movie a good review.
Oh, good.
In my next film, Joe piscopo and I play siamese twins, joined at the tongues.
It's called, [garbling]
Part ii.
[Groaning]
Oh, no.
Tinkerbell is dead.
Ow! I made one-one in my tutu.
Oh, Martin, put down that cookie.
I chose you for your looks.
I'm no good.
Why don't you give my part to him? I'd like to help you, but I'm auditioning for the part of the blarney stone in the St.
Patrick's day pageant.
Whoa.
That guy's a rock.
(Marty) Dad, I can't take this.
I'm not a good actor and they won't let me eat.
Marty, don't worry.
You've got plenty of talent.
And remember, you don't have to listen to your stomach.
(Stomach) What was that hogwash you were feedin' the boy? Nothing, master.
I I said nothing.
Very well.
Now dance for me.
[Middle eastern music playing]
(Marty) I'm so hungry.
Marty.
Maybe a little knish you'd like to nosh? [Gasps]
Come up and sashimi sometime.
But don't eat me.
I'm only plastic.
[Gasps]
[Barks]
Uh, I mean [Mooing]
Marty, bite me.
[Gasps]
Must be strong.
Must be strong.
(Man) Our freezer's broken.
We need somebody to eat 50 gallons of ice cream.
It's Jay sherman's kid.
We're saved! Where could that Peter Pan be? Perhaps Nana the dog could find him.
[Whistles]
Nana! Bow wow.
This is so humiliating, playing a dog.
This biscuit is keeping my breath fresh, though.
[Grunting]
It is I, the pixie, Peter Pan.
Oh, no, he's fat again! Uh, a little help? [All grunting]
[Pulley squeaks]
[All grunting]
(Kids) he's lighter than air, he soars to all heights then he swoops, and he droops and he gently alights (Marty yelling) Mama, I'm scared of Peter Pan.
We all are, honey.
(Marty) I float on the breeze, a will-o-the-wisp my takeoffs are dainty, my landings are [Marty screams]
Oh, my God.
[Coughs]
I'm Marty sherman, and this is the real me.
And the real me may be a little heavier, but he's a lot happier.
Speaking as tinkerbell, the loveable fairy, I say, string him up by his grobjes! [All muttering]
(Jay) Oh, no! [All murmuring]
I'm the freakin' building engineer.
Peter pancakes over here has damaged the roof unfixably.
The school must be closed for a month.
(Kids) Hooray! (Kids) Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Well, Marty's learned to be happy with who he is, and I'm happy because I gained my 2 pounds back.
And I can do this again.
[Trumpet playing]
[Crunching]
[Gulps]
[Slurping]
(Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
The show's over.
Is the snack bar still open? [Chattering]
Shh!