02x03 - The Backup Plan

[bunniefuu]

[silence]

Even if you said it now,
it would be too late.

What will happen after that?

Well, after, it will be awesome, but...

We'll be with my friends, I mean.

- [Julio] Are you going to keep lying?
- Well, no!

Well, yeah!
You say you'd lie not to upset them?

[Julio] To stay in your little bubble,
to keep being part of the g*ng?

Whatever, go ahead. Do what they expect
of you. Stay the perfect little girl.

- Oh, is that how you see me?
- And how do you see me?

I mean, I love you.

- Oh, yeah?
- [Elsa] Yeah.

[Julio sighs]

So, why don't you trust me
when you're the one who's lying?

[Elsa sighs]

I... I just...

- I don't know.
- [Julio] No, you don't, right?

- No.
- [Julio] You don't know.

Look, I'll never be
the ideal son-in-law like Maxime.

- [Julio] That's not who I am!
- Who gives a f*ck!

No, not anymore.

You couldn't even tell me
you were working with him.

- I was going to tell you.
- [Julio sighs]

- I was waiting for the right moment.
- [Julio] You know what?

Elsa, the real problem
for you is what I was. A prost*tute.

- Stop saying that.
- [Julio] No, I won't stop!

I walked out on my own show
to avoid f*cking ambiguity, OK?

[Julio] And you know how important
it was for me for you to be there,

without being ashamed.

- No, but...
- Yeah, you know what? It's fine.

- I can't do this, I'm leaving.
- Where are you going?

No, no, no.
I'll show them how much I love you.

And I'll do it today.

I'll go see the girls later.
I'll figure it out, you have to trust me.

Do you trust me?

Do it for real this time.

Hey, add a zero there.
And here too. The whole line.

- This line?
- Hang on, what are you doing?

Ugh, aren't you supposed to be in Berlin?

- [Arthur] There, I added the zero.
- That's my champ!

Hey, oh... CrossFit?

[laughs] No, tap dancing.

And he has an artistic side, I love it!
[Charlotte laughs] What a nice change!

Brian Joubert needs to cool it
and not mess with the numbers.

Actually, Brian Joubert was
a figure skater. It's different.

[Matthieu] No, he's a tap dancer.
Look it up, everyone knows that.

- Wait, what?
- [Matthieu] I'm telling you.

[lullaby]

[Milou sighs] Finally. Just got him down.

Hmm...

[Antoine] How much time do we have?

What? To f*ck? When am I supposed
to catch up on my sleep?

- [Antoine sighs]
- [distant sirens]

You're right. We need to sleep.

- Well, yeah.
- [Antoine] Yeah.

- Hmm...
- [loud knocking]

Oh, no. Can you get it? It's probably
the produce delivery for the Babycook.

- Oh, no.
- I'm wearing my breast pump, I can't go!

- "Care for a drink, sir?"
- [Antoine] OK.

[door opens]

So, someone's playing tricks on me now?

- [struggling]
- Holy f*ck!

- [banging]
- sh*t!

- [Milou] Take that! Come on!
- [male voice] Ow!

Wait! It's for the bachelor party!
Are you crazy? The bachelor party!

Oh, that's so cool. Is that today?
Are the girls there yet?

- Are you girls coming? Is Elsa coming?
- [Milou] I don't know.

- [Antoine] We can do this another time.
- No, go ahead. I have to get ready.

- Do you think we should wait for Elsa?
- No, go ahead!

[Milou] Go ahead. Come on!

- [Max] You sure?
- [Milou] Yes. Go!

- [Antoine] I need my shoes.
- Yes, I'll get them for you.

- [Milou] Go! Go! Go!
- [Antoine] Please give me two minutes.

Whatever, have fun.



[theme tune]

THE LAME PLAN

THE CRAZY PLAN

THE BOOTY PLAN

THE HOOK-UP PLAN

- [knocking]
- [doorbell]

[Milou] Yes!

- [Milou laughs] Hey!
- [Elsa] Hi.

- Uh, is Charlotte here?
- [Milou] Not yet.

This is going to be wild, right?
Will there be firemen?

[Milou] Because...

- You know, I like that. Hang on.
- [knocking]

- [doorbell]
- [Milou] Yes! Hey!

- [Charlotte] Hey!
- [Milou] Hey, hey, hey!

- You OK? Should we mention the ski mask?
- Yeah!

- What was so urgent?
- [Elsa] Well...

- [Charlotte] Come on, I've got work to do.
- OK.

- [Elsa] All right, girls.
- Yeah?

All right, I just...
I wanted to tell you...

Tell us on the way.
I'm too hot, we have to get going.

- Wait, where are we going?
- My bachelorette party! It's OK.

I figured it out. Stop pretending.
All right, two seconds.

I have to pee, and off we go!
Bachelorette party! Oh!

Hang on! She told us she didn't want one.
What the f*ck do we do now?

- The zoo.
- The zoo?

- [Milou] Wait, speak louder! I can't hear!
- Yeah!

We have tons of ideas, it's crazy!

- With tigers and all that...
- [Charlotte] No, that idea sucks balls.

- [Elsa] It's perfect.
- She's not one to... No!

- [doorbell]
- Ah.

- [Milou] Who is it?
- [Arthur sighs] You sure about this?

[Charlotte] Trust me, it's fine.
Come in, OK?

- Let's go.
- [Milou] Oh, look, they posted a story!

That's right, we're live from
Eugène Claudius Petit middle school.

Our w*r veteran, if you please.
Yes, sir, an awesome man!

[Milou] Oh, that was my school!

The former school of Mr. Antoine
Ben Smires, who's present here today.

- [all] Hey!
- [laughter]

And we're here with Mrs. Lecanu,
biology teacher.

- What was Antoine like?
- [Roman] Well?

- Oh, he was a naughty little boy.
- Ah!

- [Roman] No surprise.
- [Matthieu] What was he?

Naughty. It was this one girl
who wouldn't let him out of her sight.

Oh, I remember. She was aggressive
and a chubby little thing.

- Ah, the chubby one!
- We sort of know her!

- What was her name?
- It was... It will come back to me.

- Aurélie, Amélie...
- [Antoine whispers] Emilie.

- Emilie.
- Emilie!

Oh, no, no, my Lord! Emilie!

- [Milou] They're talking about me, right?
- [Charlotte] Not at all.

[Charlotte] Check out this story!

[Charlotte] Surprise!
Bet you didn't have this in school!

[Charlotte] Go on, Arthur,
give it all you've got!

[Elsa] You don't have to,
if you don't, oh, want to.

[Charlotte] He loves it! Guess who hired
a champion? Yes! There you go!

- [Charlotte] Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
- [screaming]

[Charlotte] Caliente! Elsa, look!

[Elsa] I'm fine, thanks.

[screaming]

Ah!

[laughter]

- [Charlotte] Elsa, say hi to the camera.
- [Milou] Say hi!

- [Matthieu] What is he doing?
- [Max laughs] His internship report!

- [Matthieu] Great, really funny.
- [Charlotte] Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

- [screaming]
- There's a second one!

#DOUBLEUNDIES

- Yeah! Yeah!
- Come on, Elsa!

Higher up. Let's try to avoid a lawsuit,
OK, Harvey Weinstein?

- [Charlotte] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- [Milou] I'm the star.

- Drink, drink, drink!
- [Milou] This just keeps getting better!

[Charlotte] Let me give that ass a hand!
Two, three! Don't hurt him!

- [horse neighs]
- [screaming]

- [Roman] Drink up!
- [laughter]

#CRAZYBACHELORETTEPARTY

#FORGETMENOT

[screaming]

- [Roman] Let's go, let's go! We're good!
- [Matthieu slurs] Cheers!

- [Milou] Yeah!
- [screaming and laughter]

- [Charlotte] No!
- Hey, what are you doing up there?

I have to feed my son, I'm breastfeeding.

This is a public monument.
Don't cause any trouble.

[Charlotte] Yeah, of course.
Thank you, officer. Don't worry!

- [all] Whoa!
- [Milou] Oh, right. Pathetic!

[screaming]

[Max] She's showing her ass in the street!

[Antoine] Not a single word, guys.

[Max] At least she looks good.

♪ FULLBUSH ♪PRINCESSOFBUTTS

[Milou] Where are they going?
That better not be a strip club.

[Elsa] No, I know this place.
It's a karaoke bar!

[cheering and laughing]

- ♪ Karaoke ♪
- [Max] No, no, stop!

[Milou] That's an awesome idea!
What do we do?

- [Elsa] We could join them.
- [Charlotte] Sounds like a plan!

- [Milou] Do you guys want to?
- [Charlotte] Let's do this!

- [Matthieu] No, it's not a lot.
- [Antoine] You're right.

- [Matthieu] It's amazing he got it.
- [Antoine] I don't know!

Hey!

- [Milou] Yeah, hey!
- [Elsa] Julio!

- [Antoine] Crazy!
- [Elsa] Oh, my God!

- [Elsa] You made it!
- [Max] You came!

- It's so cool that you're here.
- [Julio] Have you not told them yet?

- [Elsa] Look who's here! Isn't it great?
- Right, that's awesome!

- [Charlotte] Cool!
- [Elsa] Later let's sing a duet together.

- Sure.
- [Milou] Oh, no! No, no.

- [Elsa] What?
- You got to respect tradition.

- [Milou] We don't mix.
- Girls and boys. I'm keeping Arthur.

- [Charlotte laughs]
- Sorry but that makes no sense.

- Yes, it does.
- No, it doesn't.

- You know who's paying your salary.
- About that, I wanted to see if we...

- It makes no sense.
- Ugh.

[Charlotte] Come on!
Let's get sh*ts. sh*ts!

Wait, where's Eddy?

You mean he's not with you?

- No, he's not.
- [Milou gasps]

He's sleeping over at my mom's! Thanks
for worrying about my emotional load.

- You scared me.
- [Elsa] OK.

Maybe we could do the first round of songs
separately and then come together.

- Then we can sing duets.
- [Max] That's great.

- That way, we can sing our song.
- Yes, great idea!

- [Milou] Great!
- [Charlotte] Genius!

I had a feeling, I had to say it.
I need to trust myself more.

Well, that idea was super well balanced.
No, seriously.

Come on, let's light
this karaoke joint up, already!

Let's tear it to pieces!

[Charlotte]
To the soon-to-be newlyweds! Yeah!

Woohoo, yeah!

- ♪ We've known each other for some time ♪
- ♪ For some time ♪

♪ Even though we didn't speak often,
It's true ♪

♪ You read me like an open book ♪

♪ You seem so fragile to me ♪

♪ My heart is broke ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ To tell each other all our secrets ♪

- ♪ I will remain ♪
- [Charlotte] Look at me.

♪ Your very best friend ♪

♪ I will always ♪

♪ Be there for you ♪

♪ Anywhere, anytime you want ♪

♪ I will ♪

♪ Always be the same ♪

♪ A bit whimsical ♪

♪ Ready to get crazy for you ♪

♪ I will be ♪

♪ Even if life pulls us apart ♪

♪ The one who gives you... hope ♪

♪ We won't leave anything to chance ♪

♪ Because I know ♪

♪ That I will remain ♪

♪ Your best friend ♪

Oh, he knows it by heart. It's awkward!

[soft ambient music]

Can I get four beers, please?

- You OK? Things going well?
- Yeah, and you?

- Yeah, totally. I just did a Garou song.
- [Charlotte giggles]

- Oh, yeah?
- Well, I was on fire.

Oh, really, huh?

- Your interview's on Monday.
- I'll be just fine.

[Charlotte laughs] Yeah?

It won't be easy without you.
Pinkars was you and me.

Even when I look at my life,

I realize I haven't done anything
without you since I moved to Paris.

- That's true.
- [Charlotte] Hmm.

I mean, it's weird for me, as well.
But it's a good thing. For both of us.

And Pinkars was all you.
All I did was make it click.

[melancholy music]

How many men are left
on this sausage fest short list?

One.

[music continues]

Well...

to my success without you.

[music gets louder]

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Calling me names, you call me ♪

♪ Oh, oh, duh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Calling me names, you call me ♪

MIKE BRANT "LET ME LOVE YOU"

♪ Oh, oh, duh ♪

[music fades]

♪ Oooh ♪

- Something like that.
- Yeah, it's not easy. Let me show you.

♪ Yeaaah ♪

[laughter]

- Not bad, huh?
- Look. They have "Just a Gigolo."

Or "Libertine." [snickers]

- Are you serious?
- Hey, guys. Come on, don't start.

- [vocalizing]
- Come on, the next round is on me!

I wouldn't act
so high and mighty if I were you.

You're right, I'm getting carried away.

But after her friends' performance,
I'm feeling more confident.

- Yeah? Well, take it down a notch.
- [vocalizing]

Not a bad vibrator, right?

- [Julio] It's a "vibrato."
- [Roman] That's what I said.

[vocalizing resumes]

RACHEL DOYLE
FIVE MESSAGES / TWO MISSED CALLS

[Matthieu and Roman]♪ Yeaaah ♪

[laughter]

[hubbub]

[Charlotte laughs]
You good with all those, brother?

- Yeah?
- I'm good.

- When will we stop acting like teenagers?
- Never, that would be boring as hell.

- Or a welcome break.
- That too!

- I'm tired of taking care of my buddies.
- [Max] Come on, we're thirsty!

What losers!
Can't they help you with these?

What can I say,
I'll always be the g*ng's waiter.

- Not at all! No, you're their leader.
- Oh.

- Well, yeah.
- Well, yeah.

Let them handle their own sh*t!

You don't have to do
everything expected of you.

Hmm. Like... Like in a marriage.

That bad? Seriously?

[Antoine sighs]

You know, once Matt's gone...

I'll be here. I promise.

Always.

I love you.

- Here, I'll help you with these.
- Yeah.

- If you don't mind. Yeah, this one.
- This one?

[Milou]♪ Why? ♪

[Charlotte]♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

- [Milou]♪ You know you scared me ♪
- [Elsa]♪ For sure ♪

♪ Baby! Oh, baby! ♪

- Hello, girls. How's it going?
- [vocalizing stops]

- Good, and you?
- Uh-huh.

- sh*t, they're really getting drunk.
- Oh, yeah? sh*t, that's crazy.

And is Julio OK?

Well, I don't know, I don't care.
I don't care about Jules.

- Anyway, it's awesome.
- Oh! Don't you love this song?

No! Honestly, I'm leaving.

[Max] I'm not staying. No!

[Max] You girls are embarrassing.

- What's wrong?
- [Max] No!

- [Charlotte] Wait!
- [Max] I can't sing that song.

- OK, let's go.
- I don't even know if I...

sh*t, I don't know.
I don't even know if I still know it.

- [Milou] It's your favorite song, no way!
- I mean, OK.

I mean,
this is a lot of people's song. Basic.

- [Max] I didn't plan this, honestly.
- OK.

Ugh...

♪ It's so simple ♪

- ♪ Loving someone ♪
- Wow.

♪ So possible ♪

♪ Loving ♪

- sh*t! Listen to that voice.
- Yeah.

- [Max]♪ To those who hear it ♪
- It's not at all incredible.

♪ Just look around ♪

[Milou] It's a hard song.

[Max]♪ To those who truly want ♪

♪ Someone ♪

[Charlotte] Oh, yeah.

[Max] ♪ It's really nothing ♪

- [muffled music]
- Matthieu!

- Hey! Hey, kid.
- Cheers!

- Hey, how's it going?
- Yeah. Handsome guy.

[Arthur laughs]

- Charlotte likes you, huh?
- She likes me?

Well, last time she looked at a guy
like that, it was me, so, yeah.

- [Matthieu] She likes you.
- You're an idiot.

- It's true, she likes you.
- [Arthur] Whatever. It's fine.

Wait, actually, it's not.

Not at all. I'm actually among those
who think it's a shame you left.

Ever since you left, there's been
a shortage of sexy guys at Pinkars.

- [laughter]
- Oh, OK! All right!

- You're... You're actually gay?
- Yeah, I am.

OK, great, man. I didn't know.

- I can confirm, it's great.
- OK, no, because... OK.

- OK.
- Oh, it's excellent, yeah.

- Oh, they're singing in there.
- [Charlotte] He's so high-pitched!

Should we...?

[singing badly]
♪ This will be us, starting tomorrow ♪

- ♪ This will be us on the way ♪
- [laughter]

- Go sing with him! He needs saving.
- [Max]♪ The love ♪

[Max]♪ That we'll give ♪

♪ Gives us the desire to love ♪

Come on!

- Elsa! Elsa! Elsa!
- [Max]♪ This life ♪

Oooh! Hey!

- ♪ Is so short ♪
- Elsa! Elsa! Elsa!

♪ And so fragile ♪

Maxime! Elsa!

- [Max]♪ This will be us ♪
- [all] Maxime! Elsa!

- [Max]♪ On the way ♪
- Come on!

- [Charlotte] Elsa! Elsa!
- [all] Yeah!

- [Max continues to sing]
- Hey, come on. Sing with me.

[Max] Agh.

Julio? Or Jules, I'm not sure anymore.

I found your cell phone. Someone called
Rachel keeps trying to reach you.

You took my cell phone?

It was lying around.

- [Elsa sighs] I can't believe this.
- You for real?

[dramatic music continues]

[Charlotte] Great!
Now everyone's taking off.

[Max] This guy's out of his mind.

- Ugh...
- [Charlotte] You had the note.

No, no, I had it.
I mean, of course, I had the note.

- [ambient music]
- [Milou] What a shitty vibe!

Hey, you...

My husband!

Crazy day... crazy night.

Oh, it feels so f*cking good.

I think it's been at least ten hours
since we talked about wedding plans.

[in baby talk]
Oh, baby! The little ceremony!

- And the little bow tie.
- The little caterer.

- The glasses.
- The hairdresser.

- The big tiered cake.
- The big budget!

- [both] Oh, f*ck!
- Yeah.

- [Milou laughs]
- I can't take it anymore.

[Milou sighs] Hang on,
do you realize we're bitching

about what is supposed to be
the greatest day of our lives?

And are we getting married
for us or for our buddies?

Well, for my mother, first of all.

- OK? To Martine.
- To Martine!

Then again, we...
don't have to get married.

[melancholy music]

Well... No, totally.

Totally! Why are we doing all this crap?

- Totally. We don't need it!
- We don't.

- We have a baby.
- Yes.

- We really get along.
- I couldn't agree more.

- Yeah.
- Well, yeah.

- Yeah.
- I mean, like friends.

[both] Hmm.

It's true that we...

- We don't really f*ck anymore, huh? Yeah?
- Hmm. Not anymore.

[music fades]

[Antoine] Hmm.

[soft electronic music]

♪ No ♪

- [Antoine] Hmm.
- ♪ I don't ♪

♪ Love you anymore ♪

[sigh]

♪ Oh, mi amor ♪

♪ No ♪

- ♪ I don't ♪
- We...

We'll always be there for each other?

Yes.

But... But as...

- As friends, I mean, just that.
- Yeah, just as friends.

[Milou] I loved making
that child with you.

[music continues]

[volume increases]

Don't cry, Milou. Please, no.

Because if you start crying, you know?

Then I... I start crying, too.

- f*ck, why is she calling you? Tell me.
- Why do you think?

[Elsa scoffs]

She must be wondering
what happened at the show!

- Liar!
- Whoa! What do you mean, "liar"?

Please don't start with that again.

You expect me to act
like nothing happened.

Obviously it happened.
You know I can't change my past!

- Stop!
- So, just move on.

- Forget my past!
- But 500. I just can't forget, OK?

I can't. It's 573 clients.

[distant thumping music]

Five hundred and seventy-three women.

But, ugh, these women, they're...
These women are like your exes.

They're everywhere. They can pop up
anywhere, they're there and...

and when I close my eyes,
I picture you with them,

and I'm just disgusted.

[ominous music]

But...

That came out wrong.

But you said it.

[Julio sighs] You know what, Elsa?

You're always a heartbreak behind.

What do you mean?

You wait for me to leave before loving me.

- [Elsa sighs] But...
- But this time I'm done.

[ominous music fades]

[distant thumping music]

[door opens]

[door closes]

[Julio sighs]

[scooter drives by]

Hey, Jules! Don't hang out
on the corner for too long.

[Julio sighs]

[Max groans]

sh*t.

- Damn. Are you OK? Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Let's see. Oh, sorry.
- Wait.

[Max groans]

Then again, you probably asked for it, no?

I don't get it.
All I did was give him back his phone.

[car approaches]

Is the taxi for you? Yeah?

Well, come on. Let's go.

[Elsa] Go home and get some rest.

[door closes]

- [melancholy music]
- [lighter clicks]

- You OK?
- [Elsa coughs]

[music continues]

You OK?

Yeah.

No.

Actually, I'm not sure.

[Milou sighs]

I've never been to Buenos Aires.

For four months, I was here,
in an amazing relationship with Julio...

and I was afraid to tell you because
I was scared you'd ruin everything.

Then again, I didn't need
to tell you because...

I ruined everything on my own.

I'm sorry.

[melancholy music continues]

[music turns upbeat]

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪