02x04 - The Pick-Up Plan

[bunniefuu]

[distant] Wake up.

- Maybe you should get your ass up, huh?
- [sigh]

Hey, buddy. Have you by any chance
seen my suit you borrowed?

- [Julio sighs]
- [Roman] OK.

I'm feeling like communication
is gonna be complicated.

Wanna go to the spa
with Chantal and me?

- Hey, listen...
- It will purify you, it's good for you.

You've been in here for a week!

- [knocking]
- Oh.

- [knocking]
- [Julio groans]

- [Roman] Hey! How are you?
- [Elsa] Hi.

- [Roman] You doing good?
- Yeah. You...

- [Roman] Yeah.
- It's all there.

Um, OK, I was just going
to grab some things.

And the rest?

Well, I'll come...
I'll come by later maybe.

I need to find the time, you know.
It's kind of complicated.

- [Julio sighs]
- OK.

[Elsa mumbles] Ow.

[Elsa] OK, bye.

[Roman] See you soon.

- That was Elsa. She's awesome.
- [Julio sighs]



[theme tune]

THE LAME PLAN

THE CRAZY PLAN

THE BOOTY PLAN

THE HOOK-UP PLAN

[Elsa sighs]

[Eastern music]

[birdsong]

[chime]

- The file?
- What?

But... No, no, I'm not making progress,
and I'm not going to be making any.

So... problem.

Enormous problem.

- Hope.
- f*cking hey!

Is it too much to ask for complete
sentences, like subject, verb, object?

Because the whole enigmatic wizard thing
was cool in the beginning but...

I don't get it and it's super confusing.

And it's hard enough
to say exactly what you're thinking

to your man, your best friends, your ex.

So, we're not going to make any progress
with stupid, little monosyllables.

No. And about that f*cking barge,
we're going to have to find another place

or find another plant nursery
besides Pinkars because...

[Elsa sighs]

Because I'm trying to avoid Max
and the girls won't speak to me anymore.

- Fired.
- But no...

No. No!

Persevere, hey?

[footsteps retreat]

[Arthur] I get what you're saying,
I agree, but I think V2 is more effective.

[Arthur] I like the foundation part.

Yeah, but the thing is,
I read in Michelle Obama's book

that having a face represent
the cars is more powerful.

Yes.

[phone ringing]

Uh, good morning.

[silence]

Is something wrong?

Hey, Arthur, would you mind asking Elsa
what's her plan this time around?

Rio? Uh, Kuala Lumpur?
New York? I kind of lost track.

Um, Elsa, Emilie is asking
whether you're the type to go to...

[Elsa] No. What are you doing?
I'm staying at my dad's.

Oh, I can't wait to see
the pics on Instagram!

Hey, Arthur, would you work
with a woman who makes your life hell?

- Uh, no. I don't know. I mean...
- No? Right.

Hey, Arthur, could you tell them
I needed to protect myself?

- [Arthur] Um, Elsa...
- Hey, Arthur!

- Could you maybe tell Elsa...
- Excuse me.

...protecting herself from us is stupid;
we wanted the best for her.

- [Charlotte] Where are you going?
- Photocopies.

[fake typing]

[typing continues]

So, what do we do?

Call everything off? Never see
each other again? Is that what you want?

[silence]

[Milou clears her throat]

Yeah, OK. Awesome. Bye.

- I mean, too bad.
- [Milou] Totally.

What does she think?
We can forgive her in two seconds?

Yeah, we need a break, too.
You're on a break with Antoine.

But it's not a break at all.
We broke up for real.

It's too complicated for me.

You know that this is the first time
the three of us are single.

At the same time.

Just imagine what could have happened
if we lived together.

- Hmm.
- [Charlotte] The two of us are great.

- It's much better.
- F-yeah.

- We don't need her. You only need me.
- No. Uh, no.

- Yeah. So, there you go, huh?
- Yes.

- [Milou scoffs]
- Yeah.

- And we didn't make sh*t up, right?
- [Charlotte] We didn't.

- For four months.
- [Charlotte] For sure.

- It was four months.
- It's impossible to forgive her.

- No way.
- We just can't. It's really... impossible.

[silence]

- Oh!
- [upbeat music]

[Charlotte] No!

- [Milou] Elsa! Elsa! Stop!
- [Charlotte] Let me through!

[beep]

- [music stops]
- Were you leaving us for real?

You said you were completely done
with both of us but you stayed?

[distant phone ringing]

Well, I stayed for Julio and...

I thought I loved him enough
to forget about his past but...

- I couldn't do it.
- We're your best friends.

Yeah.

I know.

But I'm such a giant mess lately, I swear.

I'm a jerk.

[Charlotte sighs] All right, give me that.

You're moving into the office with us,
Milou is already depressed.

- The more the merrier.
- Milou, you're depressed?

No, I'm fine. I'll explain later.

- [upbeat music]
- Thank you.

I'm sorry.

- [Elsa and Charlotte] Thank you.
- [toilet flushes]

- [Elsa mumbles] Hey, Arthur.
- Hey, guys.

♪ I'll put some colors
when your life is too gray ♪

WEDDING ADMIN

Yes, this is Mr. Ben Smires.

No, actually, we're not getting married.

That's right.

[music continues]

♪ Look like a queen, hey! ♪

- "A plant nursery dedicated to women."
- Yeah.

And then, the short introduction:
"We are living..."

- "We are living an historic experience..."
- "Historic." That's nice.

Yeah. Go with that. Historic.

Arthur will sue you eventually,
and you'll deserve it.

[music continues]

♪ Look like a queen, hey! ♪

What do we have here?

[music continues]

♪ Be my queen ♪

- [music builds]
- ♪ Hey! ♪

[music continues]

[Roman mutters]

♪ Look like a queen, hey! ♪

- [music fades]
- [knocking]

- [door opens]
- [footsteps approach]

[Elsa] Hi!

[Charlotte and Milou chant]
Ta-ta, ta-ta, ta, ta!

Here is the file for the plant nursery,
along with the file for Pinkars.

And, and, and... Ta-da!

[Elsa] The gorgeous layout for the barge.
Here you go, sir.

Yeah.

And wow!♪ The P-Pinkars app! ♪

- Oh, yeah!
- [laughter]

You haven't been answering my texts
lately, you've been completely MIA.

- [silence]
- Um, because...

- Because we've been totally, totally busy.
- Oh, man.

[Elsa] We've really busted our asses,
it's... Pff.

[Elsa] But it's all right, uh...

- We're done. It's cool.
- [Max] Yes, yes.

We just need to register it
and keep our fingers crossed

while we wait
for the jury's verdict and, uh...

- Shall we go celebrate?
- No.

No, sit. You're obviously on call, moron.

- But...
- [Milou] OK, ciao!

- Thanks. Take care!
- See ya.

- [Charlotte hums]
- [Max] Yeah.

[Charlotte] Oh, I wanted to talk to you.

We're calling off Plan Elsa
because it's girls only.

Forever and ever.

- [footsteps retreat]
- [Max sighs]

- Have fun masturbating, moron.
- [Max] Yeah, thanks. You too.

[Milou] Tonight is your turn
to watch Eddy. You didn't tell me!

No!

Oh, so, I don't have a choice?
Is that right? Well, let me tell you.

[fake laugh]

I have to be home by midnight.

- [Charlotte giggles]
- [Milou] What?

Have you been in the bathroom
since the '80s or something?

- Pff.
- Oh, your hair looks great.

- Oh, it's not done yet. Don't.
- Oh, but...

- [Elsa] It's so pretty.
- Anyway, tonight, I'm a new woman.

Up here. And down there.

- [Charlotte gasps]
- Yes. No more hair.

You shaved for girls' night out?

- Yep.
- [upbeat music]

[Elsa] Ah? Oh.

- [Milou] Funny.
- [heavy b*at]

[Milou] Hot. Sexy. Artistic. And saved!

Ha-ha! OK... OK!

[Milou] Yes! Yes!

Oh, wow. Oh, yeah!

[Milou] Wow! Hey, you...

All right. It's magic. OK!

[Milou giggles]

[ambient music]

Girls...

- So, I signed up for a dating app. There.
- What?

I was in a relationship for forever.
I totally missed out!

It's easy.
Speed dating and websites and stuff.

- But this is girls' night!
- It's been a year since I've...

My vag*na is full of cobwebs.
I just want that D!

[silence]

[Elsa giggles] OK...
Well, everyone got the message.

- [Elsa] Hello!
- [Charlotte] Without me.

- My first date is in five minutes. Please.
- You know that your ex is my brother.

- What if he kidnaps me? Or r*pes me?
- What if he kills her?

So many psychos on these things.

[Elsa] Come on, stay.

- We stay, huh?
- Well?

[Elsa] Nothing.

[Elsa whispers] I have a plan.

[knocking]

[knocking continues]

- [Antoine] Whoa.
- [giggling]

- OK, so... New character, huh?
- So, two questions for you.

Where is the monster?
And what time are you back?

No, you got it backwards: I'm watching
the kid tonight, then it's Milou.

- Oh, man.
- [Antoine] Yeah, it's too bad.

And this, uh... What's up, brother?

This really helps me.

I'm channeling my feminine side.
Actors Studio, you feel me?

- Yeah, Hollywood, all that.
- [Roman laughs]

- What were you doing?
- Well, I was drinking.

- [Roman] I'll join you.
- [Antoine laughs and sighs]

[Roman] Let me tell you something. Well...

I didn't invent it, the GIs did.

You never leave a man... behind.

Cheers, man.

- My role model is Zaha Hadid.
- [sexy music]

An architect. A woman. Like me.

Wanna know more? I'm super interesting.

[Milou giggles] Architect.

Well, you know, because the fact
that I'm a woman...

Well, it's pretty obvious, right?
[laughs loudly]

- [Elsa laughs]
- [music fades]

Hey, Milou, isn't that the dress
we gave you for your 40th birthday?

Uh... no.

- No, I'm not 40.
- Well, pretty soon.

No. That's Corinne, from Accounting.

- [sexy music resumes]
- A colleague.

But this expectation to be
in a relationship, to have children...

Who made that up? So many
better ways to be fulfilled, dammit!

- Right?
- [phone rings]

- It's your boyfriend. It's her guy.
- My ex. My ex, obviously.

- [silence]
- Hey, what do you want?

- [sexy music resumes]
- [Milou chokes and gulps]

[Milou gasps] Oh, you saved my life!

- [music stops]
- Oh, wait, wait. Who's there? My Eddy?

- Eddy! Eddy, honey...
- [gurgling]

- Uh, it's my nephew. It's my nephew.
- [gurgling]

[fart]

[Milou sniffs] Ugh.

Sorry.

- [sexy music resumes]
- Oh, rough.

Your hands remind me of a carpenter.

Wow, they're perfectly firm...

- [Milou giggles]
- [sexy music continues]

Milou, your mom called me. She asked
if you got the cream for your hemorrhoids.

- [Milou gulps]
- Goodbye.

[silence]

- Yeah. Oh!
- Oh, we almost kissed on the mouth!

She told you about Pinkars?
Now, that's my baby, yeah.

[Charlotte] Let me show you. It's amazing.

- Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no!
- I'm going to go.

Stay, or at least give me your number.
Your Instagram? Your Facebook?

- [Elsa] Bye!
- Oh, man.

- Just perfect.
- [Elsa] What?

- Thanks, guys.
- [Charlotte] Something's wrong.

[jazzy electronic music]

Oh, sh*t.

[jazzy electronic music continues]

NEW MESSAGE TO: RACHEL

CAN I SEE YOU?

RACHEL: WHY?

I WANT A SECOND CHANCE. ON YOUR TERMS.



[music fades]

[Elsa] It's crashing again.

Yeah, Arthur, get your ass to the office
now. Retest the app from A to Z.

Text me the minute you find a bug.
OK. Let's go to the developer's.

You coming, Milou?

Um, my last date will be here really soon.

- Oh, please! This is my last chance.
- Well, it's my last chance, too!

Fine, but why am I coming?

- Fine, you know what? Stay here.
- [Milou sighs]

Wow, that's f*cked up, Milou.

[Milou sighs]

I'll try to join you later.

Well, I wanted to apologize
about the show, I...

shouldn't have done that,
I don't know what came over me.

But I know.

You chickened out, that's all.
You're not made for this.

No, I am made for this.

I ended up backing out
because of something silly.

It wasn't even worth it.

A real musician would have gone up
on stage no matter what.

I know.

Listen, I want to make up for it, OK?

I'll be whoever you want me to be.

- I'm at your disposal.
- To do what, then?

Whatever you want. Whatever.

OK. Same sh*t, then.

I thought you moved on.
What are you doing?

Uh, what do you mean, "What am I doing?"
I'm looking for a gig.

Oh, yeah? Except I have nothing
to offer you in that field.

Yeah, well, there's a module bug
and I don't know which module.

The integration was painful enough.
Don't get me started on the tests.

Well, yeah, obviously,
integration tests are a pain in the ass.

OK, but is there anything we can do now?

Nothing. Your friend can't keep up
financially with her dreams.

[girl] Sorry, guys.

Please, go ahead.
Tell me what you want. Name your price.

- [phone chimes]
- No, don't laugh. Please, I need you.

[Elsa gasps]

- What?
- It's Max.

"OK. Sorry, too late.
The file has already been submitted."

- [ominous music]
- "Impossible to change."

[Charlotte whispers] f*ck.

All right. You stay here and figure out
how to deal with the app.

I'm going to deal with Max, OK?

- OK.
- [Elsa] OK. All right. See you.

[music builds]

Oh, no, sweetie.
I'm not writing a single line of code.

Please...

- [Max] It's dead in the water.
- [Elsa] I know you can help us.

No, a submitted file is a finalized file.
Am I speaking Spanish or something?

- We won't tell anyone!
- [Max] No, even then...

Please, come on, Max.
You're my friend. Please do this for me.

I'd love to help a friend, but I promise,

I might lose my job
over something like this.

[Max sighs]

[silence]

What if I... we were...

What if we were more...

than friends?

I mean, would you...

would you say the same thing?

About what?

Well, today, we can't be sure,
you know what I mean?

But tomorrow...

We're allowed to change our minds, right?

- Uh, yeah.
- [Elsa] Yes?

[Max] Um...

[Max sighs and laughs]

[Elsa] What?

- [Elsa] What? No. Wait, don't laugh!
- Man, I fell for it.

No, but...

It was just three seconds,
but I really fell for it.

Hang on, hang on, just so you know,
it works like magic in bars.

- You flirt with guys at the bar?
- Oh, yeah, I flirt in bars. I'm super hot.

- Oh, yeah, it's...
- Are you about to make a bad joke now?

- Uh, maybe.
- [both laugh]

No, but Max, Max, Max. Please.

- [Elsa] Please. Come one. Please.
- [Max sighs]

OK. But I need the app bug-free
before midnight.

[Elsa gasps]

- [ambient music]
- I had a giant booger. Up my nose!

- Oh!
- [Milou] Huge!

It was awful. Obviously,
I messed up and didn't get it.

You haven't been single for long.

- Uh, is it that obvious?
- [man] Kind of.

Hey, but I'm the same way. I split
with my fiancée, it's been two months.

- [Milou] Oh.
- I totally freaked out.

- I mean, uh, me too.
- [man] Hmm.

- Yeah. Thankfully, my friends are here.
- [man] Hmm.

[ambient music continues]

You're super pretty.

I mean...

- That is if you're into Dallas.
- [both laugh]

Well, I mean...

We can get going, if you'd like, or...

- If you want to?
- OK.

[man] Hey, check, please.
Uh... I'll pay cash.

- [man] Here you go.
- [Milou] Huh.

[man] That's for you.

[melancholy music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

MATTHIEU / HOME
SEND MESSAGE

[music builds]

[heavy b*at]

[car horns]

[heavy b*at continues]

[door opens]

- I spelled it out for you.
- [music fades]

Just, please, you're the only one
who can help me.

Well, I'm sorry.

OK, all right. Yes, you're right. Maybe
I asked too much from you for this app.

Well, yeah.
You've been a pain in the... you know.

[silence]

[typing]

I wanted to do my job right.

I... I'm full of bugs, I'm too much.

I'm too much in every way, I'm too...

too crazy to be taken seriously, too...

too messy, too disconnected, too...

I'm so stupid.

My brother went to college,
he's the pride of our family.

I just wanted to rise to his standard.

I dropped out of school. You see,
I'm 30 and I'm still ashamed of that.

See, this app is my very first diploma.

You can't imagine how much I'm freaking
out about not being able to do it.

Who cares about school?

I flunked school, too.

So, history and geography bore you
and that makes you a piece of crap?

I'm a big fan of geography.

[girl sighs]

Come on, we'll simplify it.

- [girl] We have until midnight?
- Yes!

Yes!

What time is it?

OK.

- [door slams]
- [crunching]

Not even late.

[both] Did you have a good night?

- Huh? Sure, normal.
- Yeah, normal.

[both] Nothing special.

[silence]

[Milou sighs]

But did you see anyone or...

Maybe, yeah.

You?

Yeah. Yeah, maybe, um...

Hmm.

Well...

Uh, by the way, Milou,
I made you a spreadsheet.

To stay organized.

Let me know what you think.

I mean...

I made sure you learned something.

[silence]

[Antoine sighs] I'll get going.

[Milou takes a deep breath]

Uh, also...

- Should we talk about your outfit or...?
- Oh, no.

[Milou] Nuh-uh.

[Antoine] Hmm.

[Antoine sighs]

- [Antoine] Bye!
- See ya.

OK, Max.

It's time to officially be calling
time of death.

- [Elsa] Weeks of work wasted.
- [Max sighs]

No, Elsa. It's not over.

- [Max sighs]
- What do you wanna do?

- Wanna pray to the god of geeks?
- [both laugh]

Oh, actually, what was his name again?

[Elsa] Hang on, there was, um...

There was Sonic. OK.

And there was...

- [Elsa gasps] Mario.
- [Max laughs]

So, you've only played
two video games ever?

Yeah, but I b*at you at Mario Kart.

- I'm sorry?
- Well, yeah.

- Are you serious?
- Max, 100%.

You b*at me once. Once, in 2011,
at Grandma's. You're unbelievable!

Bullshit! But, whoa, not at all.

- Such bad faith.
- No!

No, I'm sorry, Max,
I think you're forgetting: 2012, 2013...

No, let's try something,
because this bad faith of yours is insane.

- So, look me in the eye...
- OK.

...and say,
"I'm better than you at Mario Kart."

OK, fine. I'm better than you
at Mario Kart.

- No, my eyes. Look me in the eye.
- Yeah.

- "I'm better than you at Mario Kart."
- I'm better than you...

[soft electronic intro]

[heavy b*at]

[heavy b*at continues]

[music fades]

[electronic music]

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ I'm feeling you closer ♪

♪ So close to me ♪