02x03 - Antique Hunters

[bunniefuu]

Very clever

Right, who's responsible?!

O'Neill, sir.

- Vincent?

- Nothing to do with me, sir.

Oh, really?

So, Carl's lying, is he?

Yeah, he's lying.

And he better take it back,

cos that's thingy liable.

- Slander.

- Slander.

Come up here!

Show me your hands

- What?

- HANDS!

- I can explain

- Caught red-handed.

You're a liar, O'Neill,

and liars need to be punished.

Here we go

Say sorry to Humfrey.

Thing is, Mr Bates,

he's essentially a trainer.

Yes

And if he doesn't get an apology,

he gets TREMENDOUSLY ANGRY!

All right, I'm sorry! To Humfrey!

Sorry trainer.

- Say his name!

- I'm not saying his name!

- Does he have to say his name?

- Yes!

Thanks, dickheads!

- Say it, O'Neill!

- Shut up, you dog-bumming twat!

- Say sorry to the shoe!

- I'm not apologising to footwear!

Sorry to the shoe,

sorry to the shoe!

Sorry to the shoe!

Sorry to the shoe!

The best things in life are free ♪

You're a thief, O'Neill,

always were and always will be!

That's what I want ♪

That's what I want ♪

That's what I want ♪

Sorry, shoe

That's what I want ♪

That's what I want ♪

That's what I want ♪

Aren't you practically

Terence's bitch now, though,

you doing all the work,

while he takes all the profit.

No, I am not Terence's bitch.

He's a f*cking ENT-repreneur.

Yeah, ent entrepreneur.

Entrepreneur,

investing in our start-up company.

Which means better facilities,

better weed

f*cking hell,

we're moving up a league here.

Hang on, sweetheart.

Don't get me wrong,

it's great we're

Terence's top supplier,

but I'm a businessman now,

and businessmen

have responsibilities.

Like f*cking what?

Like sorting out this place.

Look at it.

There's spliff butts

in every crevice,

used condom in the hand-drier,

some idiot's been cold-lunching

by the fire exit.

- You Hawley's Larry Flynt or something?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

Dickhead, I'm doing this for us.

I mean, fair do's,

I might be managing director,

but we're all stakeholders, yeah,

and its success

relies on our shared efforts.

Which is why

I was hoping you might

come somewhere with me.

Come somewhere with yer? Like where?

Little, uh, trip out.

Like where?

I'm planning a room in the back,

for, you know specialist clients.

A blue room, if you will.

And I've got this vision in my mind.

I want it kitted out

in a very particular way.

Who's gonna want to

eat their dinner off that?

They're perfect.

Look at the detail.

Little willy sculptures

all across the top of it.

Hmm.

Hey, I tell who'd like these,

you know

f*cking McCann.

Oi! Eyes off, sunshine!

Use your bloody head.

He loves a pervy antique.

It'll keep him sweet, won't it.

All right, how's about

you take these drawers.

There's f*ck all erotic

about 'em, dude.

Check out the side.

Christ

Look

Big snizz on it.

That is that's p*rn, that.

That's disgusting.

Hey, hey, hey

It's a thing of beauty, that is.

It's a work of art, the female twat.

You help me with the rest.

The drawers are yours.

All right

So, when they shifting 'em?

The museum can't afford

expensive storage arrangements,

so I'm reliably informed they're

sticking them in non-descript boxes

and whacking 'em in shipping

containers in the staff car park.

- With no security?

- They've got security.

CCTV, guard with a dog

- What kind of dog?

- A f*cking labradoodle!

What'd you mean,

what kind of f*cking dog?

If it's a f*cking Rottweiler,

they're trained to grab by the throat.

We'll bring some dog food.

There's a thing you can get,

a dart g*n, tranquiliser.

Yes, exactly.

sh**t that up its arse

and we're good to go.

Right you know what I'm gonna ask.

Is this worth it?

All of this trouble for some

weird crap for his perv room?

Have a bit of vision,

for once in your f*cking life, mate.

We could be

the next Hustler Club, yeah.

And it's the class and attention

to detail that's gonna get us there.

- Vinnie?

- I'm up for it.

Anything that doesn't involve

being in disguise

or in fear for my f*cking life.

- Grand, yeah.

- Count me out.

- Yeah me, too.

- Just the three of us, then.

The Three Musketeers,

all for one and one for f*cking all.

Where's Cardi?

Cardi!

Car

- Hello.

- Hello.

What's all that sh*t on your face?

- Have you been tanning?

- No.

- Yeah, you have

- Oi, oi.

What's he wearing?

What's this man got on?

You know when you've been tangoed.

Right, come on do some explaining.

I'm just busy, all right.

I'm not always av-ailable, you know.

Sometimes I do have

other things going on in my life.

Yeah? Like what?

Cardi Cardi, come on. Come on.

Have to do a second coat

Oh, how are you, Vinnie?

She does this with all the fellas.

We're having a spa day

at home today, aren't we, Cardi

Uh, well, it's, um

Oh, it's all going on today.

Jacuzzi, massage, facials

Might even do a cucumber

body wrap later, if we've the time.

Oh, cucumber body wrap?

Right, well, listen

Have a lovely time.

Uh what are you doing?

Go back to your tanning, you.

You're patchy.

Have a good time! Oh, we will!

How much do you want

for your tooth?

Thirty pounds.

Thirty bloody quid?

You can have a fiver

if I can touch it.

Gross

- There you go.

- Thanks.

Good to have you back.

Yeah, it's good to be back.

Thanks for bringing him

to come and see me,

when I was stuck in that hole.

That little face kept me going.

Why don't you go

and play upstairs for a bit?

Go on. Bog off.

- We were worried about you.

- Hmm

I've been worried about me.

I had some dark days.

But him

I really love that boy.

I know.

Right

Gotta go to Jake's

bloody dinner party now.

- See you later.

- See you.

Right, Sugar should be back, OK.

She'll put him to bed.

- OK.

- All right, bye, baby.

- Love you.

- Love you.

Enjoy your time.

Aww, bloody snuggles, eh?

What film do you wanna watch?

Hey, Vin.

What can I do you for?

I don't know, man

Do you ever wish

you could just,

you could just tell people things.

You know

If things were just different,

you could tell 'em

and they'd be happy,

and you'd be happy.

No f*ck

- Do you know what I mean?

- I know exactly what you mean.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

I'm seeing this new woman, Casandra.

Total fitness freak.

It's all organic wheatgrass

and tantric vaginal Pilates.

Look what she's got me wearing.

Look at it.

- What's that?

- Detox patch.

- She says it realigns my chi.

- Right.

But I'm hooked, Vin.

I'm obsessed with her.

I'm ABSOLUTELY obsessed with her.

She's like fragrant Viagra.

- All right

- The sex is amazing

I'm happy I'm happy for you.

f*cking nice knees.

Amazing AMAZING.

But the intercourse, Vincent

Oh, my God!

God, I wish you could just

I wish you could experience

I wish you could take a day,

step inside my body,

take control of my chopper and

- Just profound

- Chris

- Stop, STOP!

- Sensational!

Chris, stop!

Shut the f*ck

You've gone too far again!

Why the f*ck would I wanna be

your d*ck for a day?

You hijack these f*cking sessions

every time.

Talking about f*cking sheilas

sloppy blow jobs or whatever.

- All right. Quite right.

- Let's reverse these roles.

You're the doctor, I'm the patient.

Do you know what I mean?

- Sorry.

- It's all right.

Sorry, Vin.

Sorry.

So, how are you?

I miss my kid.

Well, it's not my kid.

It's the mother of my kid.

She's amazing.

I just I wasn't such a

What is wrong Oi.

What?

Just tell me about your

tantric minge sex, then.

No. Go on. Carry on.

I was listening.

- What are you looking at?

- Nothing.

You were looking at

your f*cking screen.

- What you looking at?

- Nothing on it.

Nothing here. There's no need to

- There! There! There!

- There's nothing on it!

m*therf*cker!

I don't know why I let you

talk me into these things.

Cos you love it, that's why.

- Do we all know what we're doing?

- Yeah Sound.

Oh, f*cking hell, dude

Nearly took my f*cking hand off.

You great knobhead,

what are you doing wearing that?

Reverse psychology.

Ah, I've always wanted to

use one of these, lads.

Where the f*ck did you

get that from?

- Kitty Mclean.

- Cat burglar?

That's him, yeah.

He got a job lot one Christmas.

He only charged me

a tenner for that.

Argh!

f*ck's sake!

Quiet, dude!

Jesus! Quiet?

You've f*cking gashed my head open!

- It didn't clasp.

- Maybe that's why it were a tenner.

Here, let me have a look.

There's f*ck all there, man.

- Are you sure?

- Shut the f*ck up.

Oh, the sun-drenched

French girls won't relate ♪

To a frozen glare

from the Northern State ♪

Dreamin' of fat, happy babies ♪

Kickin' ladies on the Metro now ♪

Woo ♪

- Have you got the tranquiliser g*n?

- I have it here.

- Where do you sh**t it?

- In the arse.

All right, now listen

For f*ck sake, don't miss.

Last thing we need is an angry dog.

- I won't.

- All right

f*ck me

sh*t

Vin What? Look.

Who the f*ck are they?

I used to think

life's a bitter pill ♪

But it's a grand old time ♪

Jake tells me you're running a

local wine bar alongside your studies.

Impressive.

Well, I wouldn't call it

a wine bar

- It's an evening drinkery.

- Great.

We must come down.

Charlton and I love an excuse

to get out and about.

Yeah, that'd be great.

What's it called?

- It's called The Rat and

- Ratatouille.

- Right. Fantastic.

- Mmm.

Amazing cocktails.

Mum loves a cocktail, don't you

Death in the Afternoon.

It's what Hemingway used to drink.

m*therf*ckers

- Who the f*ck are they?!

- No idea.

Who told you about the gear

being kept here?

You remember Sheridan,

my sister's chiropodist?

- No.

- Yeah, you do. Big lass, grey hair.

Shiny forehead.

Anyway, her cousin

Rellaine, like Brelaine

Who's Rellaine?

You met her,

but you were off your face.

Good night, that, won't it.

Anyway, she's going out with Ian.

Remember Ian?

I do know Ian.

- Massive hair.

- Yeah

f*cking hell. Shut the f*ck up.

Yeah

It doesn't make any difference,

whoever it was.

They have blabbed,

and now these wankers

are nicking all our gear.

- Shall we just bail?

- And let them have it?

- What's the option?

- They're f*cking armed.

- f*cking armed, JJ?

- Yes! Armed!

Are we seriously gonna

get ourselves k*lled

- for some chairs with dicks on?

- No!

Hey, hey, hey erotic curiosities.

All right?

If I wanted a chair with dicks on,

I'd speak to your barber.

Why you always dissing my barber?

Can you tell him please Oi

Listen to me.

We're professional thieves.

Ashley, we're professional thieves.

We can't have people turning

up before us, just nicking our sh*t.

You know what I mean?

Let's get back in the van.

All right, they're coming. Get down.

f*ck's sake Christ.

Why did you duck in my direction?

Same f*cking spot,

are you kidding me?

Right, come on, follow 'em.

Yeah, that's it,

f*cking nine-point turn, Ashley.

You sexy idiot, what are you doing?!

You f*cking big fat hand

Moron

Send me a postcard, darling ♪

How can I make you understand? ♪

What's going on?

Why are we slowing down?

Why the f*ck are we slowing

What are you doing?!

It's a red light.

Never mind red light!

We're gonna f*cking lose 'em!

We're not gonna lose them.

They've gone straight ahead

in a massive green van

We're in a covert criminal pursuit

and you're obeying the Highway Code!

- It'll be a few seconds.

- f*ck, dude.

- Taking a while, aren't they

- Go through the red light!

The road's completely deserted!

Fine Green.

Oh, nice one, you bellend!

That's you stressing me out!

- I'm f*cking stressing you out?

- Constantly on at me!

START THE VAN!

- I'm starting the f*cking van!

- Swap seats

- f*cking go!

- They've gone red again!

You're jiggling

Before loneliness

will break my heart ♪

Send me a postcard, darling ♪

Send me a postcard, darling ♪

Send me a postcard, darling ♪

Right, now, listen.

The element of surprise

is our best friend here.

They're not gonna be expecting

us turning up, nicking their gear, so

Stealth.

Ashley!

Oh, sh*t!

Right, I'll take left,

you take right.

You sh*t

I can't see!

Ow! My eyes!

It's me, you daft

- How many fingers

- One.

Brilliant. That'll do. In the van.

Get in in the f*cking van

Get in, JJ!

Wait! Hey!

That's not f*cking JJ!

JJ?!

Go, go, go

I'll get the other van!

Hi, Erin.

Hi

- Arr-on?

- It's, uh it's Aaron.

Like, air-on.

- Anyway, I

- Can I show you something?

- Uh yeah, OK. Where?

- Just

- Through?

- Yeah.

It's our old playroom, me and Jake.

Spent a lot of time in here as kids.

Brothers, you know

- Very competitive with each other.

- I bet.

- You got a sibling?

- Uh, yeah. I've got a brother.

A bit of a moron.

Me and Jake were SO competitive.

But, um

You wanna know something?

Yeah

I'm better than him.

- Right

- At everything, Erin.

I'm a stallion. He's a gelding.

And I've had that confirmed.

So you know

Word.

Look in there.

They haven't even f*cking

nicked everything!

Yeah but they took

the drawers, though.

Where's the chairs?

Mate? Eh?

Where's the f*cking chaise longue?

Your fault, this is!

- My fault?

- Yes! Your fault!

Follow 'em, he says.

Yeah, cos I thought

they were gonna take it all!

What the f*ck

were I supposed to do, dude?

Hang on till they'd gone, take

whatever they didn't want?

Bollocks!

This is a cock-up, this.

I'm having them drawers.

Like f*ck you're having them.

Them's for McCann.

Why do you want drawers

in your pervy sex room, anyway?

- What you gonna f*cking keep in 'em?

- Lots of things, actually, mate.

Lube

Do you know what,

just f*cking have 'em!

Right, I'm off.

I've got a headache, yeah?

Cos this bellend here dropped

a ship's anchor on my bonnet

- Don't storm off.

- No, mate Took it too far.

Don't storm

What the f*ck are you laughing at?

Your eyes are f*cked, dude.

Get in the van.

- I don't need that sh*t, Jake.

- I know

- Do you know what I mean?

- It's just Aaron.

He

He's got a weird sense of humour.

Yeah, it's f*cking weird.

I'll talk with him.

Look, go back in

have a drink.

Please.

- OK

- Thank you.

Do you, um Do you like 'em?

Where'd you get 'em?

Fell into my possession.

- Where?

- The museum.

Someone robbed the museum,

so we robbed them.

Stolen items

There's gonna be

a whole shitshow, Vin.

This is Regency, 1800s.

Right

- Shall I Shall I give 'em back?

- Give 'em back?

No, you will not

f*cking give 'em back.

This is a very nice piece

of furniture.

Huh

But it can't come in the house.

I know a man who can

look after it for me.

I'll give him a call in the morning.

- Can you hang on to it until tomorrow?

- Yeah, course, yeah.

Good lad.

Now get the f*ck out of here.

What the f*ck's this?

Sometimes there's SO MUCH snow,

like last year.

So much snow,

they had to close the slopes

Am I all right to get some water?

- Two minutes.

- Thank you.

Another day ♪

Oh, what a wonder ♪

Oh, what a waste ♪

It's a Monday ♪

It's so mundane ♪

What exciting things

will happen today? ♪

All of a sudden ♪

I'm having trouble breathing in ♪

I'm having trouble breathing in ♪

I'm having trouble breathing in ♪

All right, this is Dylan.

Leave a message,

unless you're Vinnie.

I'm having trouble breathing in ♪

- Oh, f*ck!

- I'm armed!

It's f*cking me, you knobhead!

There's five of us in here!

Oh, yeah, and two two dogs!

So, whoever you are,

you're outnumbered!

It's me!

I know my rights!

Oh, f*ck!

I can blow your brains out and

no judge in the land'll convict me!

It's f*cking It's Vinnie!

Put the f*cking g*n down!

- Vinnie?

- Yeah!

Oh, what you doing?

I thought you were

an immigrant!

Why the f*ck would I

be immigrants?

What do you want?

I thought you were going

back to your shack.

Yeah, I know, but

It's not a bed and breakfast, Vin.

I'm not Airbnb.

I mean, I didn't mind

when your d*ck was on the line,

but you're just taking the piss now.

I know, but f*ck I need a favour.

Come on!

Now, be careful!

Don't rip the wallpaper!

Are you f*cking serious?

Did you wipe your feet, coming in?

- Your carpets are so f*cked up, dude.

- That's vintage, that carpet.

And don't scratch the paintwork.

Don't scratch the edge, dude.

- Where are we putting it?

- In the guest room.

- What f*cking guests do you have?

- Hey, I have guests!

- Like who?

- Like f*cking People of note!

People you wouldn't even

never have heard of!

Honestly, four months

I've been in that weed shed,

you've had a f*cking guest room

this entire time

- Stop f*cking moaning.

- Unbelievable.

f*cking Jesus Christ

- What?

- It's a bit patriotic, in't it?

All my own work.

I got someone in for that.

An Englishman's home is his castle.

Sing the national anthem

and I'll let you stay the night.

Christ

It's like AirBNP.

Knobhead

Oh!

- I hope she isn't pretty.

- Why?

Because. For you.

What's better,

he's going out with an absolute minger?

- Hiya

- Hi.

Pretend not to look,

but I think I'm being followed.

Followed?

By your ex? Or

by secret police?

Uh by stalkers.

- Stalkers?

- Mmm.Oh.

Oh, no

- They're kissing.

- Oh, great.

It wasn't passionate.

Well, have they stopped?

Hang on

No. Still going.

Uh, I think

I think you've made your point.

I haven't.

- Now?

- Still going.

Still

Oh, she is pretty

Wait Oh, no. Still.

They've stopped.

Jesus

- Oh, do you think they saw us?

- How should I know?!

This is f*cking crazy!

What am I doing?

He doesn't want her.

He's just trying to

make you jealous.

Sugar, I got rid of his kid.

I broke his heart, right

We're done.

I need to get on with my life.

Come on.

What?!

Where's Vinnie?

- He's in bed, why?

- He's wanted.

So, go and get him out your bed

and into my car.

He's not in my bed!

Do I look like

I sleep with younger men?

Do I?

Do I look like some kind of

f*cking perv?!

Just f*cking get him.

Inside. Now.

Call me suspicious, Vin,

but the very night you bring round

some rare drawers to my house,

this happens

Yeah, f*ck, it's connected.

These are the dickheads

we robbed them off.

- This is my home!

- I know

- I'm really sorry. Did they break in?

- No, too much security.

And this clown

fell over a chiminea.

Woke up my wife.

They legged it.

I was just trying to do

a good thing, I

- Can I fix it?

- How?

f*ck, I don't know

I just can't fathom how they

The jacket

Look

f*cking phone

I dumped this in here last night.

They've found it,

assumed the drawers

were in your house.

I'll fix it. I'm sorry.

Hang on, stop

Why would they go to all this

trouble for a set of drawers?

Why don't we ring 'em up,

tell 'em we've got their drawers,

tell them we want five hundred quid,

and then when they come,

we jump them.

Find out who they are.

- What if they're armed?

- Armed?

What is it with you

and armed at the moment?

This bleeding thing

has a passcode on it.

Statistically, you're four times

more likely to get stabbed

than get cystitis.

- Where the fucks that? Los Cabos?

- The UK, man. I'm telling you.

Yeah, statistically,

that sounds like total nonsense.

Why don't we just leave the phone on

at a new location

and see if they come again.

- Where are the drawers now?

- Jim's farm.

Right, so, we go there and we wait.

If they see their van, they'll think

they're in business, it's perfect.

All right, lads.

Oh, it's f*cking getting worse.

She even did a makeover on Nigel.

Look

He smells like lavender, dude.

THIS is exactly why

I don't get into relationships.

In case you get heavily made over?

They always try and change you,

don't they.

I say to women now,

"This is who I am.

Take it or leave it."

- And that doesn't put them off, no?

- It does, yeah

How'd you fancy a night-long

stakeout in a shitty pig shed?

Can we have coffee and doughnuts?

Can have as many as you want, mate.

- And no wheatgrass.

- There will be no wheatgrass.

Yes

No more wheatgrass!

All right

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with P.

- P.

- Pig.

Why would it be

We've had pig twice.

Piss-take, lads.

We have to sit in this cold barn

when there's a lovely warm

farmhouse round the corner.

- Swill?

- That's a f*cking S!

- Pigswill?

- No!

- Pricks!

- I didn't know you were playing!

Who last used my indoor bog?

- Why?

- I'll tell you why.

Cos someone's left an unsinkable.

I'm not having it, Vin.

It's just sitting there, rent-free,

like it f*cking lives there.

- Just pump the handle!

- I've pumped the f*cking handle!

Who's the perpetrator?

Oh, like that, is it?

Well, fine I've got all night.

But I'll tell you this

No one leaves this room

until the culprit's found!

Phf! Intense!

Hmm

I thought it was gone.

Well, it f*cking hasn't!

- What've you been eating?

- Mainly protein.

Get back in there!

Kn*fe and fork! Deal with it!

Hey, Ashley, chop, chop.

Oi, lads

Lads, there's someone round there.

Oh

You, you bastard!

Stay calm!

Stay calm!

Don't panic! Stop fighting! Stop it!

Just settle down, man.

We're not gonna hurt you.

We're just gonna ask you

some questions, all right.

- Evening.

- What the f*ck are you doing here?!

Trying to find my post rammer!

I know you've had it off me!

Have I balls!

Stainless steel, solid metal cap.

I saw him admiring it.

He's talking crap!

Post rammer? I'll ram you!

- What?

- What?

- With my fist!

- Oh

f*cking hell

What you all doing, anyway?

Sneaking around in the dark,

sticking bags on heads

We're expecting visitors. Thieves.

- Thieves?

- Yeah.

Told you they were coming, did they?

In a manner of speaking,

they did, yeah.

I just passed a

bunch of posh blokes

with their car stuck in a ditch,

but they didn't look like thieves.

- Where were this?

- Down the lane.

Posh cursing, they were.

Looked like they needed

a nice rioja hey!

The hardest button to button ♪

The hardest button to button ♪

- Need any help, fellas?

- We're fine, thank you.

Oh, no, no, no We insist.

"We"?

sh*t! Run!

No way

Mr Bates!

Vinnie!

Vincent O'Neill.

You taught me History.

He taught me History, this geezer.

- Vincent how's it going?

- Yeah, I'm doing all right.

How's your dad?

He's f*cked.

Still an alcoholic, in't he?

- How you doing? You still teaching?

- Early retirement.

Yeah?

I assume you've all come for

the erotic drawers, have yer?

Why'd you want 'em?

Well, they're just very appealing,

aren't they?

Yeah

- We're enthusiasts, aren't we, chaps?

- Yeah, yeah.

Sounds like bollocks.

In school, we're always

taught not to lie, aren't we?

- You did, though. Often.

- Oi, that's not the point

We want the truth.

We can either do it the easy way

or the hard way.

So, why do you want

the erotic drawers?

It's your time you're wasting.

All right, f*ck it. t*rture 'em.

Everyone grab someone beige.

Wait! No, no! Get off!

Fill that bucket and flick his ears.

Ow!

Never mind "ow"

Gonna go and get my cane.

I swear to God, I'm not gonna

stop till someone cracks here.

You're in Guantanamo now, lads.

Don't make me start on your feet.

That house you tried to rob

belongs to Terence McCann,

and if you don't know who that is,

let me tell you,

you don't want him in your life.

You've done well for yourself,

Vinnie thief, hostage taker.

Maybe if you'd made your lessons

a bit more interesting,

I'd have paid more attention.

Do you know what we used to

call you in school? Masterbater.

Smelly-Belly Dog Breath. f*ck Face.

The Drone.

Because of the droney way

you'd harp on, man.

Well, Carl Slater

liked my lessons,

and he's done

very well for himself.

Carl Slater bums dog, don't he?

I tell you what,

bell him up and tell him

you've been nicking antiques.

Let's see how much he wants to be

your pal then.

You becoming a thief

I mean, honestly, might be the most

interesting thing you've ever done.

You're middle-aged men.

You should be home, real ale,

discussing cruise holidays

I don't know what you do.

There's a reason

you've all gone to these lengths.

And I wanna know why.

Take their shoes off.

No, no, no, no! OK, OK, OK! OK!

We're a secret history group.

We're all of us experts

in different fields.

And we go deep

into historical research.

We've discovered

a little-known secret

about the drawers

in your possession.

It could be apocryphal

- What does that mean?

- Made-up.

The story goes that the maker of

the furniture, Emmanuel Dasigie,

was so fearful his work

would be seized,

that he hid some of

his more extreme creations.

The story goes that,

before his death, he drew a map.

Concealed it inside

a piece of furniture in his house.

We believe

it's inside those drawers.

- Are you for real?

- Treasure map. That's unbelievable.

Craziest thing I've ever heard.

It's fairy tale stuff.

So, you stole the drawers

to try and find the map.

Untie him.

Just him.

Oi! Feet!

f*ck sake, dude.

You've been told a load of crap.

There's no f*cking map here, man.

It must be! It has to be!

All our evidence suggests

Try those legs!

- I've tried the legs!

- Well, twist them! Press them!

I've tried! It's concealed!

It has to be here somewhere!

No! There's nothing!

Looks like your story

was apocalyptic after all.

Hey, hang about

That line see it?

It's not the same colour

as the rest of the wood.

That's not a flush join.

He's right

What about

We'll give it a little

Oh

Oh, f*ck. No way

No f*cking way, man.

Call me a genius.

I might be a simple farmer,

but I'm an Englishman

All right.

with an Englishman's heart.

Jim, Jim, Jim! Shut the f*ck up!

That's a f*cking map!

No, no, no, no, no

This is OUR plan,

and you boys just stumbled upon it.

Yeah, well,

that might be the case,

but we're

professional thieves ish.

You know

And you lot are f*cking useless.

Hardly!

We got the drawers, didn't we?

Yeah yeah, you did.

And then we nicked 'em off you.

And you knocked over a f*cking chiminea,

robbing the wrong

- Chiminea.

- Chim-in-ea, robbing the wrong house.

And then you got

your f*cking car stuck in a ditch.

He's got a point.

And if you rob that stately home,

you're all gonna get caught

and no one's finding sh*t.

So, here's what I propose

Now, I'd say nine out of ten

of our jobs go

Seven, if you're lucky.

Seven out of ten of our jobs

Six-and-a-half, innit, really.

Well six.

Six out of ten of our jobs

go relatively well.

And up till now, none of yours have.

All right?

So, you either say yeah,

and potentially come away

with a bit of loot here,

or you say no,

I tell Terence McCann your names,

we let the f*cking cards fall

where they may, what you saying?

OK

- But we come with you

- Yeah

On the job.

This is OUR adventure,

and we want to be there.

Absolutely not.

You've got more chance

of seeing a one legged-dog

sh1tting on a frozen pond.

That's f*cking final.

This is fun!

Thanks for letting us come!

Shh! Lads! Lads!

Just shut the f*ck up!

We're on a f*cking robbery!

All right, listen

Positions.

You two take the right,

you two are gonna take the left.

You keep dog eye

while we do the cutting, all right?

If you see anyone, walkie-talkies.

Go on.

Check this out

Couple of bloody pros here.

We're gonna be in here

in five minutes.

Last one.

Do you see what I mean?

Do you see what I mean

Oh, sh*t!

Move it! Hurry the f*ck up, dude!

It's my knees

- Well, that's it. We've blown it.

- We need to get out of here.

Honestly,

that's an amateur response.

What we're gonna do,

we're gonna stay here, all right?

Right here, quiet.

- What?

- Christ

I said,

"We're gonna stay here, quiet."

Ah

Cos pound to a penny, no fucker

comes out tonight to reset that system.

Cos I'm a cowboy ♪

On a steel horse, I ride ♪

Had a thought earlier.

Yeah?

We could have just come

during visiting hours.

You what?

I mean we didn't need to

break in, did we?

We could have just paid

and walked in as tourists.

That's a much better idea.

Sandman, come in Sandman.

This is Beaver Three.

Any sign of intruders, Beaver Three?

Negative. Over.

Has the site been penetrated,

Beaver Three?

Negative, Sandman.

No sign of penetration.

Then I suggest

we leave this to the morning shift.

Affirmative, Sandman. Over.

Oh

Show me ♪

Show me ♪

- Do you know, this

- Yeah?

This is like a proper

Like, Indiana Jones

sh*t.

You've f*cking broke that now,

ain't you, you bellend?

S-s-ssorry

Can only take you somewhere twice.

Once is to apologise.

Now get the f*ck down there.

Right according to the map,

secret door's

somewhere across that wall there

And the mechanism for said door

is up there.

Right, who fancies lifting me up?

Not you.

Right. Go on, Tom.

Oh, oh

f*cking hell

It's stuck.

Try again.

Do you think?

Cos I was just gonna f*ck it off

after all this trouble, go home.

- Lemon.

- Christ, you've a bony arse.

I told him that last week.

- Why were you feeling his arse?

- You're k*lling my shoulders, Vin.

Well, know what, your big fat head's

mashing my balls to smithereens.

We've all got

our f*cking crosses to bear.

Got it.

Oh

- You've got it. It's open.

- You've done it.

Put me down, Ash.

Mr Bates, get the f*ck out of way

Let's all queue up,

like we did at school.

Ah!

Come on, lads

This is doing nothing

for my claustrophobia.

It's like a Berlin sex party.

There's something ahead,

an opening!

Like I say

It's here! It's bloody here!

The secret room!

We've found it!

Holy sh*t

Such an adventure

f*ck

It's a cleaning rota.

No one's been here

since 197-f*cking-5.

f*cking coffee cups

and sh*t like a bed down there.

This is where the staff

came to skive off, this.

It can't be!

All our research suggests this is

Emmanuel's secret storage space.

All your research, eh?

I'm sure Emanuel

is up in heaven right now,

laughing himself silly over this,

sat in a massive cock-shaped harp.

f*ck!

f*ck it

Let's smoke a spliff.

- Cheers, lads.

- Nice one.

Have a good night.

Arr-on. I mean, Aaron

hat you doing here?

Is this

I thought you worked in a wine bar.

- The chances of this

- Mmm

Incredible coincidence.

- How about I buy you a drink?

- How about you go home?

Oh, hang on

We got off to a bad start.

I apologise.

- Let me buy you a drink.

- No, thanks. I'm good.

Your choice.

But if you're gonna be

serious with my brother,

we need to at least get on.

- How much is entry?

- Ten.

Tenner it is.

Thank you.

I hope they look like you in there.

Hey Hi.

Um

- It's over.

- What?

Me and you, Jake. It's over.

OK, I'm sorry. It's just

It's not right.

We're done.

- Erin, I

- No, Jake.

Jake, you know it yourself,

all right?

It's

I'm sorry.

It's over.

Erin

When I was young,

younger than before ♪

I never saw the truth

hanging from the door ♪

- Right

- Go on, sod off, then.

I need my bed.

It was fun, that.Mmm

An adventure.

It's what we do, innit?

Adventures.

It's an important lesson that,

though.

You can't always come away

with gold, can you?

No

But

sometimes

you can find

silver.

Where'd you find that?

Found it in the, uh

secret room.

You know,

when we were having a spliff.

No way

I didn't want

them teachers to have it.

I wanted to give it to you.

Eh? No, no, no

I can't take that off you.

That's finders keepers.

No, no

I want you to.

Cos, uh

You know

You've been sad.

I'm really glad, uh,

that you're alive again.

Me, too.

Love you, mate.

- I love you, dude.

- I love you, too, man.

- Look after yourself, yeah?

- All right

Go on. Sod off.

I once had a life ♪

Or rather, life had me ♪

I was one among many,

or at least I seemed to be ♪

Well, I read an old quotation

in a book ♪

Right, get your sh*t together.

Get your sh*t together,

we'll get out the f*ck out of here.

Cardi, come on.

I'll buy you a kebab

on the way home all right.

Can you get to that? ♪

Why don't you try a change of scene?

See if that has any effect

on your dreams.

Why don't you stop here tonight?

You'd have the whole pub

to yourself.

They're all coked-up!

Oh

Some fucker's in the cellar.

What are you doing, anyway?

Oh f*ck!

Just chilling.

This is my friend Dylan.

- Hi.

- Hi

I made the woman I love

sh*t her pants.

Wow.