03x05 - Tommy

[bunniefuu]

What makes an educator
for small children from Lillehammer

involve herself
in the conflict in the Middle East?

I've always liked dipping candles.

Thanks.

One day I was sitting with my tub of wax

watching a documentary
from the West Bank

when I was struck by the contrasts.

Here I sit in my Norwegian living room
making candles,

while the Palestinians live in darkness.

That's when I had the idea
for "Light a Candle for Ramallah."

- How has the response been?
- Fantastic.

Together with some members
of the cultural elite,

I have made
a "Light a Candle for Ramallah" song.

- We look forward to hearing it.
- Yes.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

With his book Healthy Goomba Living,

he has topped the bestseller lists
in the United States and in Europe.

The New York Times calls him "the
godfather of low-carb Italian cooking."

Here is the mafioso who became
a cookbook author, Joey Salmone.

That's the end of this week's show.
See you all next week.

But first, here is
Light a Candle for Ramallah.

I have seen the bombs fall

And I felt a light

So I felt the call

To light my candle

Tears of stearin

Hits the nitroglycerin

Whether you like God or Allah

If your name is Jens or Abdallah

Whether you like God or Allah

Light a candle, light a candle
Light a candle for Ramallah

Holy crap! f*ck!

f*ck.

Three-zero from 37-20.
sh*ts fired at Stureplan! Over.

Three-zero, do you read me?

Hey. you. Stay there!

I said stay right there!

Police! Stop or I'll fire!

Police!

As the executive buyer
representing the Wine Monopoly,

I am proud to introduce our newest wine

and the man responsible,
Johnny Henriksen!

Cheers!

Right, I think that's enough questions.
Cheers!

NORWAY
SWEDEN

I was surprised when you called.

You haven't been easy
to get a hold of lately.

What a lovely...

...beefy candle.

Yes.

- Where are you going with this?
- What do you mean?

Every time we're together things
are so nice. Then you just disappear.

Christ! Now things got all serious!

Come here. You need a little refresher.

Holy crap!

- Did you lock the door?
- No.

- Go!
- Wait! Stop!

- Hi there.
- Hello.

Sorry I'm late. I had to work
a little overtime at the office.

No worries.

I was starving.

That's all right.
I'll find some bread or something.

Listen ...

What?

There's something we need to talk about.

Okay.

Do you have a fever?

Have a look.

PREGNANT

Well, say something.

I don't...

I'm sure we can figure something out,
if... if this is totally wrong for you.

I don't want to... I don't...

I don't want to figure something else out
unless you want to.

No, I don't!

Congratulations!

I've saved all kinds of stuff
from when I was a little kid.

Our little boy will love this stuff.

- We don't know if it's a boy or a girl.
- It's going to be a boy. I can feel it.

Who are you talking to up here?

I just called and ordered a pizza,

but then I realized I wasn't hungry,
so I canceled the order.

Shall we go downstairs again?

Were you going to leave
those candles burning all night?

No, of course not.

Bjørnibjørn? Bjørn?

Bjørnibjørn?

Yes...

Hold on. Daddy needs to find him.

Do you want the milk?

Thanks for looking after him.
This is Bjørn's dad.

I think the cops
might want a word with you first.

The Cops?

No, you listen here, foreigner.

I myself am a product of neglect.

I'm not going to allow the same thing
to happen to Jørn here.

Hey. Hey.
What the hell are you doing? Ouch.

Child abusers!

We know who you are!

They went that way!

DELIVERIES

Shouldn't we get him straight to a doctor?

What about the doctor you had?

- Do you want more taco shells?
- Yes.

What's this about?

A birth?

For God's sake!
What the hell are you doing here?

We need you to remove the b*llet.

Are you out of your f*cking mind?

All right.

This is madness.
I'm no surgeon, for Christ's sake!

Relax. If you can stitch up
some chick's box, you can do this.

Come on in.

- Ali, was it?
- Yes.

- Muhammad Abdul Aziz Ali.
- Yes.

I must admit I didn't really understand
your e-mail complaints.

Are you dissatisfied
with the support you're receiving?

No, the support is fine.

But you're not doing enough
to resocialize me into Norwegian society.

I see.

What is it you expect?

I don't know.

Some sort of buddy system.
A sledding group, maybe?

I'm afraid we don't offer that.

The thing is,

when a man with my qualifications
celebrates his birthday alone,

the system has failed at some level.

And I suspect that level
is sitting in front of me right now.

- Excuse me, but this is...
- Okay.

I know I'm a special case.

Both Iraqi and Norwegian.
Been to prison, but highly educated.

I fall between two stools.

- That's why we must act now.
- Have you considered joining Facebook?

- Facebook?
- Yes.

Do you know what was so great
about Norway in the past?

No.

We had a safety net
that caught those who fell outside.

But we still do.

That net has started to rot!

I'm sorry you feel that way,

but we have to wrap things up.

g*dd*mn! What a rush!

Happy birthday, Jan.

MINISTRY OF LABOR
AND SOCIAL AFFAIRS

Is there a problem here?

No. I'm here to see the minister of Labor
and Social Affairs, Robert Eriksson.

You can't see the minister
without an appointment.

The thing is, I'm here to file a complaint
regarding a serious error

committed by
one of Eriksson's caseworkers.

- You'll have to try to call instead.
- I've already called 42 times!

Tell that Progress Party prick to come
down here and talk to me this instant!

I think you should leave.

We used to say
it was typically Norwegian to be good.

Do you know what we should say now?

It's typically Norwegian
to be a f*cking c**t. A f*cking c**t.

- Are? We have a situation here.
- I'll find my own f*cking way out.

Who do you think you're dealing with?
I have a master's degree, for Christ sake.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Just add it to the bill.

Oh, God.

I read on the Internet that screwing
is okay even if you're pregnant.

- Okay. Yeah, I guess that's no problem.
- Yes.

You're so romantic.

- Hurry up.
- Yes, okay.

- Let me help you with that.
- Yes.

I also read that it might be for the best,
from a health perspective,

that I go in from behind.

- Yes.
- I don't know if you mind...

- Yes. Okay. Let's try that.
- Okay.

Oh, yeah. Talk dirty to me.

- sh*t. What the hell?
- Sorry.

- What are you doing?
- Sorry.

Damn, that hurt.

- A racecar driver?
- Yes.

Yes.

No, no, no, no.
Stop it. You'll regret this.

I said, stop it.

- Hi. Aren't you going to work?
- No, I'm playing hooky today.

Is your ass better?

Yes, it's a little tender.

I have some aloe vera
if you think that might help.

That might not be such a bad idea.

It's 90% pure so...

What the hell are you doing?

I'm knitting a sweater for the baby.

Did the kid's father give you that idea?

Father? What are you talking about?

I can see
you're knitting the English flag.

- This is what we're going to do.
- Hey, stop it. Have you lost your mind?

Come on, then.

No!

No. Stop it, Torgeir.

- No!
- Stop! Stop it!, Torgeir! op 't' Tmseir!

Torgeir. Torgeir.

Hi.

- What happened?
- I don't know.

Low blood sugar, maybe.

You don't s*ab yourself in the neck
because of low blood sugar.

I don't know.

Cramping isn't all that unusual.

You need to tell me
what's going on, Torgeir.

The thing is...

Something happened a little while back,

and it seems like I might have developed
some mental problems as a result.

We're about to become parents, Torgeir.
We can't have any secrets.

Tell me what those problems are.

This is pretty sensitive stuff.

sh*t.

I wish...

...my brother were here now.

- You need to speak to me about it.
- I prefer talking to my brother.

But... I didn't mean to...

Please don't...

GO ahead. Call your brother.

f*cking hell!

Oh, no!

Now what have you done?

I talked to the Child Welfare Services.
They've started an investigation into you.

Okay?

So what should I believe, then? They say
you threw their expert out of the club.

This is not funny.

You can't go on like this.

The Child Welfare authorities.

All right.

Of course I'll come with you.

Stop playing with those.

Sorry I'm late.

I have to rub on an ointment
every other hour.

My God, what happened to you?

I fell off my bike.

- You're sure you're all right?
- Yes.

The reason we're here is we think

maybe you got the wrong impression
of Johnny as a father.

- I just want to assure you that he is...
- This isn't necessary.

I have already delivered my report

that concludes that Henriksen
is an excellent caretaker.

What do you mean?

Just that: Henriksen
is an excellent caretaker.

Yep.

- So the case is closed?
- Yes.

- Thank you and get well soon.
- Thank you.

My name is Muhammad Abdul Aziz Ali.

By the time you've watched this, you'll
have heard a lot about me in the news.

The media wants to portray me
as a simple t*rror1st.

A public enemy.

But I happen to be a man who dedicated
his adult life to the welfare state

and Norwegian values

such as compassion, integration
and raising competence.

As a newly educated public servant...

...I learned that everyone
deserves a second chance.

The government's handbook
for social workers states,

"never treat people like air."

Unfortunately this value
has been forgotten...

...in this sh*t country.

Desperate measures are necessary
in order to wake Norway up.

It is with a heavy heart that I sacrifice
myself in order to make this statement.

A statement I have chosen to make

in the dump
where my personal humiliation began.

If you love God or Allah

If your name is Jens or Abdallah