This programme contains
very strong language
from the outset and throughout.
McCann got life.
He's definitely gone down, McCann?
It is safe now.
Between us,
we rule the area, agreed?
The answer's a no.
Tell me you're not getting involved
with the MacDonaghs.
Du...
One of us is gonna get k*lled.
Dylan?
Yeah.
Such a lovely name.
♪ In The House, In a Heartbeat ♪
Here's to calmer times.
Mm.
You Davey's guy?
Yeah, I am.
Vin, help me, dude.
You f*cking bastard!
DAVEY: If you wanted out
of our business arrangement,
let's just end it now.
No hard feelings.
No hard feelings at all.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
No. No. Help! Help!
♪ TWO FEET:
I Feel Like I'm Drowning ♪
♪ Yeah, ah-ha
♪ You keep dreaming and dark scheming
♪ Yeah, you do
♪ You're a poison
♪ And I know that is the truth
♪ All my friends think you're vicious
♪ And they say you're suspicious
♪ You keep dreaming and dark scheming
♪ Yeah, you do
♪ I feel like I'm drowning
♪ I am drowning
♪ You're holding me down and
♪ Holding me down
♪ You're k*lling me slow
♪ So slow, oh, no
♪ I feel like I'm drowning ♪
f*cking hell.
♪ I feel like I'm drowning
♪ I am drowning
♪ You're holding me down and
♪ Holding me down
♪ You're k*lling me slow
♪ So- ♪
f*cking hell!
Motherucker.
♪ BARRET STRONG: Money ♪
Because it's out-f*cking-rageous.
That's why I'm stressing,
if I had the money,
I'd sue the shite
out of which ever twats doing this.
I don't think you need to sue,
it's hardly slander.No, I mean also
it is, you know, true, in't it.
Shut up! It's not f*cking true.
It's true. Eh...
Every-Everyone...Everyone says
you have
an extremely average penis, Vin.
Everyone?Well the f*cking one's
that have seen it have, yeah.
I mean, it's not winning
any f*cking prizes.
It's not that bloody anaconda
over there, but-
We've all seen your penis, Vin.
Have you?
There's a WhatsApp group.
Don't tell him. What the f*ck.
Who do you think's doing it?
Well I... Shut up, you little...
Well, I don't know, do I?
For fucks sake.
Maybe it's Carl Slater getting you
back for the dog bumming rumour.
No. No. No. No.
No, that's not a rumour, no, no.
Carl Slater has been hilts deep in
a canine on more than one occasion.
He has..
Mark my words. Elizabeth?
Yeah?Five of your finest pints,
please and you know what,
a cheeky little half
for your good self.
Why thank you, Tommo.
Aww, are you all right, sweetheart?
Listen, us women,
we don't care, do we?No.
I mean, my ex husband
he had a three-incher
and we had two lovely daughters.
Mind you, I did have
a very passionate fling
with Sugar's uncle,
but that is its own story.
Oh, yeah?
Families. Families.
I'm irritated.
I'll tell you what it is?
Solation!
TOMMO: It's not even a word?
It's not really. It's a very slight
exaggeration if anything.
Just... f*cking hell, I swear
to God, I'll pull my sh*t out
right f*cking now.ALL: No!
LIZ: Look, if it's any help,
Adyan Khan was in here last night
and he had silver paint on his hands.
Ah.
Adyan f*cking Khan?
Yeah.
Pick him up.
Vinnie!
Get the fucker. Pick him up!
Put him against the
f*cking wall. Oi. Oi, oi, oi, oi.
Why are you spraying
outrageous lies
about the size of my d*ck in silver
f*cking paint on bridges, man?
What makes you think it was me?
Because you f*cking... Look at
your hand. You stupid...
You haven't even f*cking
cleaned 'em, you tit.
Not my teeth, not my teeth.
I've just had my teeth done.
Look. They're pearly white!
TOMMO: One more time.
Why have you been spraying...
Egh...I am gonna say
minor untruths...Dude!
..about his manhood all over town?
Cos I wanted to get his attention.
Why couldn't you
have just f*cking belled me up?
Because you would've said,
"f*ck off, you boss-eyed c**t".
Get the f*ck in there,
put the kettle on, right now.
Do you like my teeth.
They're overwhelming.
They make you look unapproachable.
There's a job come my way.
Big money, low risk.
But I'm essentially a
one-man band, I move fast and loose.
Take the teeth out.
Your spitting everywhere.
We want the news, not the bloody
weather.Are they fake?
Know what I mean? Yeah,
they're f*cking clip in's look!
f*cking hell.
Just tell us about the f*cking job!
Car transporter.
Six brand new cars,
estimated value 70K each.
I've got an inside man,
details on route,
how to release the cars,
how to turn off the trackers,
the works, BUT...
it has to happen this weekend.
Why's it got to happen this weekend?
Because it's when
my inside man delivers.
Don't worry,
he won't put up a fight,
because he's my uncle's brother.
'It'll just be like a normal run.
Cars being taken from the factory
'to the depot.
We'll have some Damsels in distress.
'My uncle's bruv, decent type,
he'll pull over to help.
'We pretend to grab him,
slap him about a bit,
'just for effect.
He'll give us the encrypted fobs
'to release the cars.
And we f*ck off into the sunset.
'Well, to your mate JJ's anyway.'
Your Uncle's brother?
That's your dad, you f*cking eejit.
Yeah, hang on, hang on.
What's his cut then?
Ten percent.Never mind his
shagging cut. What's your cut?
Fifty.
Fifty!
f*ck me.
All right. Name your price.
Seventy percent.
Fifty-fifty.
But the brother's taking ten.
All right, fifty-fifty
of the ninety.
Sixty-five, thirty-five
and I'm not pissing around.
You can ask any of these, I don't
f*cking budge on this kind of sh*t.
Sixty-two, thirty-eight.
Oh, that's a complicated sum.
Can't work that out.
Oh, just f*ck it. All right.
Just-Just-Just-Just...
By the way, where's Dylan?
He's on holiday.
Adyan Khan, Vin?
Yeah.
Oh, that boss eyed, c-
Jim!
Sausage.
Yeah, he's had 'em fixed.
Well, he tried to have 'em fixed,
they're still f*cked.
Your mam want to sex him up,
you know.Oh, God.
I don't want involving,
because if I go to jail at my age,
they'll have me
as someone's f*cking bitch.
Go on.
I've got this far in life...
Right, go on.
..without taking it up the wrongun.
Quick.
I have no intention of starting now.
Right, Jim! You can't say
things like that anymore.
Oh, that's right, cancel me.
It's got so you can't say f*cking
anything these days.
Bloody Woke Wendy
and the Snowflake Brigade.
Wanting us all to moisturise...
..and-and-and-and cry...
..at films.
Liking breasts is not a crime
and I'm getting that
on a f*cking T-shirt.
OK.
Oi, you f*cking c**t.
Get the f*ck out of my barn.
If it isn't Tiny d*ck.
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.
You all right, Goldie locks,
with your stupid f*cking hair.
Shagging pigs at night
and sleeping with sex dolls.
You're a fuckwit, dude. f*ck off.
Has your friend turned up yet?
No.
Got in over his head, apparently.
Dead, I'm hearing. Buried under
that new build on Cringle Common.
Why don't you shut your stupid face,
you stupid blonde prick.
Yeah, go on. f*ck off out of here.
Sorry...hormones.
Oi, don't listen
to a f*cking word he says.
He was in a dangerous place,
but a mate of ours
got there in time.
MANOLITO: 'The McDonagh's took him.'
They might have k*lled him, Vinnie.
They are psychopaths.
And he's all right now.
I mean, he's only staying away
cos he has to, love.
Yeah.
Right, tell us about this robbery.
What do you want us to do?
♪ THE HEAVY: What Makes A Good Man ♪
And...there she blows.
Let Vinnie know.
T-Transporter in vision - over.
Oh, that's a kestrel that, in't it?
Kestrel, there we go. Yeah.
A fine bird.
Go on, run!
Ooh.
All right, ladies, there a problem?
You know, to be honest with you,
I didn't expect your uncle's brother
to be an old white bloke.
Didn't expect it.Kulvinder?
Mm.He's not.
Ooh...
Then, Houston, we have a problem.
You f*cking what?
What?
Oh, f*cking f*ck.
Wrrrong personage, over.
f*cking nose, dude.
Whoa! Oh!
Give us the key fobs now?
What's this? What's this?
Oh, that was hard.Ow, that hurt.
Fobs! Encrypted fobs.
Good actor, isn't he?
Is this a robbery?
Yes, it is, it's a... Yeah.
Oi!That's not me uncle's brother.
What are they saying?
What are they saying?Wrong dude.
That's not him.
It's not his uncle's f*cking brother.
Who's uncle's brother?
That's not him.
I told you,
you cannot trust the boss-eyed.
Who the f*ck are you?
I'm Eddie Braithwaite.
Where's Kulvinder?
He's got gut rot,
doubled over, I filled in
last minute.ERIN: Oh, God.
ASHLEY: Shut up!
Shut up, you!
Adyan, you f*cked us
right up the arse.
For crying out loud.
Why did I get punished?
Listen, we're not bad people,
we really don't wanna hurt you,
we need the f*cking fobs,
right now!!
Yeah.
And then we can get on our way.
Give us the key fobs!
OK. Just...
Give us the f*cking key fobs.
Now.Release my hand.
Oh.
Thank you.
Are you three in on this?
ALL: Yes.
Encrypted fobs.
All right, no need for the song
and dance, if you want
the key fobs then you can...
No, no, no, no.
Oh, f*ck!
Now we can't get the f*cking cars
off the back of the shagging wagon,
what we meant to do now?
Let's just go home, forget about it.
What goes in, must come out.
You're gonna crap them fobs out.
TOMMO: f*ck!
Ah...hang on.f*ck sake.
Why do we have to f*ck
every single thing up.
Someone get in the vehicle,
a vehicle of any kind.
You are coming with us.
Let's take it to Chinese Dan's.
Ten percent.
Ten for f*ck...
I'm only asking you
keep 'em for 24 hours.
Mm...Maybe 48.
Six hot motors.
I'm taking a tall risk here, Vincent.
Fifteen.
Five is what you can have.
Five? That hurts.
Ah, f*cking does my head in.
Twelve and that's me
going out on a limb.
Look at lobster hand on him.
Listen, you started off
with f*cking ten. Didn't you, eh?
All right, ten then.
Yes. Done.
Very good negotiation there,
well done.
Yeah, back to square one, in't it.
Oh, you've f*cking done me again,
you c**t.
Can I interest you in some togas?
Fancy dress shop went bump,
I've got all sorts.
Got pirates, scooby doos,
Snowy White, seven dwarfs.
What the fucks he looking at me for?
Have you any bloody swag bags
and a dark mask,
cos it'd f*cking suit you,
you robbing c**t.
Ooh.
Get out of it. f*ck's sake.
You knob.
JJ?
'Them cars are in-situ,
ready to go now, love.'
Yeah. How long's it gonna take him
to sh*t out them fobs?
Don't worry about it, I'm a man
with a plan. See you in a bit.
Right, now give over
shagging that wagon. Get down!
DR CHRIS: Super strength laxatives?
VINNIE: For fucks... Yes!
For unblocking your bum when
you need a- I know what they're for,
but what's he doing here?
You're incriminating me
in some illegal, f*cking-
Oh, give over. Like you've never
been and f*cking committed a crime.
Look, I'll give you free weed
for a month.
And that is a lot of cannabis.
Two.
You are a f*cking piece of work.
Done. Fucker!
Put that down.I can't hear
my heart, has it stopped?
Probably, you look clinically dead.
Listen, those fobs
that you've eaten.
They've gone down your oesophagus,
into your stomach
where strong acids are battling
to dissolve them.
Now, what it can't dissolve,
it'll push it down
and try and expel it
through your stool.
The problem is, if there's a snag.
Snag?
It often gets snagged.
I had a coffee enema once,
there was stuff coming out of that
I hadn't eaten since the late '80s.
How long is it gonna be
before we're reunited
with these bloody fobs, here, man?
f*ck me. f*cking hell.
Right, well listen,
we're keeping a f*cking eye
on this knobhead.
You don't leave our sight, you!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I've got to be places.
I'm a good judge of character
and you seem like a kind man.Mm.
You've picked the worst
possible weekend to kidnap me.
Right.
I've made all sorts of commitments,
I'm gonna let everybody down.
He's a worrier. You're a worrier.
Give over worrying now.
Listen, we'll look after you.
I need you to go and stick that
up your bum, dead quick...
..and tell us
what you're meant to be doing.
First things first,
I've got me twins birthday tomorrow.
Nine years old and I oof...
and I'm sorting the whole thing-
Your twins' birthday, 9 years old?
What? Do you think
we were born yesterday. Trying
to play the f*cking sympathy card.
Oi, how the f*ck
has he still got this?
'I can't wait
for our birthday party.'
'Dad, when are you home?'
There we go, got kids.
How have you got that? Get off it.
Here. Right.
So we've got Birthdays.
What else have we got?
Charity darts match, tonight.
You can forget that
your f*cking missing it.
It's for kids with spina bifida.
Bullseye theme,
What the f*ck is bulls eye?
Jim Bowen, you know,
"Smashing, great, superb".
f*cking darts! Fat-wristed men
and women, playing f*cking darts,
that was entertainment back then.
"One hundred and eighty."
"Let's have a look at what
you would've won."Well, I'm Bully.
Star of the show.
TOMMO: The star of the show.
Oh, lovely, get the f*ck on with it,
what else you got?
I've got to move my cousin's barge.
Oh, barge, me bollocks.
That's not urgent like?
Not urgent?
He's in Marbella,
he's lent us the boat,
I've left it on a temporary mooring.
If I don't shift it by tonight,
one thousand pounds fine.
That's f*cking dear, in't it.
We'll accompany you to
all these different events.
For f*ck sake.
We have to, don't we.
Until he craps out
these shagging fobs.
Let them laxatives kick in.
Go with the flow of things
and everything's gonna be all right.
I promise.
Oh, guys... It's Brian Kennerley.
Brian Kennerley,
why does that ring a bell, that?
♪ LINK RAY: Rumble ♪
What the f*ck?
What the f*ck?!
We nicked his mother's coffin.
Oh, yeah, we did, didn't we.
How do you know him?
He's my boss. Terrible man.
He'll know the cars
haven't been delivered
and probably call the police.
sh*t, you'd better answer.
Tell him you've been
f*cking delayed and that.
Ey up, Brian, everything OK?
No, everything's not f*cking OK.
Why aren't the motors there?
There's been a d-delay.
Funny story actually.
Why'd I say funny story?
What's the funny story?
Cows on the motorway.Cows on the-
I had to stop to help a nun.
Oh, my God.
'I don't give a sh*t about a nun.'
What your ETA?
Vague, very vague, very vague.
Yeah, good, thank you.
Very close now.Yeah.
Making good headway.
Well, I'm f*cking off home,
cause it's my f*cking anniversary
but Carlton's waiting at the depot,
he's going to tell me
when you get there.
'Comprende, bellend?'
Yes, comprende. Parlez vous.
No code.
f*ck, that's a problem.
That's a f*cking problem. sh*t.
Can-Can we get
to this bloody Carlton?
Not a chance.
He's in a secure compound
and they don't open the gates
until I arrive.
We'll need to get to one of them
or we're f*cked.
Right, f*ck it.
Kennerley's it is, then. Yeah?
Right, split up. Come on.
It's all right.
♪ THE SPENCER DAVIS GROUP:
Gimme Some Lovin' ♪
What you stopping for?
Because Brian Kennerley's house
is gonna have CCTV,
f*cking doorbell cameras,
the works.
So, you gaff the licence plates
and you, sir,
go and grab the masks. Onwards!
♪ Well, my temperature's rising
And my feet on the floor
♪ Crazy people knocking... ♪
Right, here's what where gonna do.
We'll look round the back,
check out the occupants,
work out their location
and make an informed plan of att*ck.
Or we can go through the front door,
I brought pepper spray.
What have I said about pepper spray?
I can't be trusted with it.
Right. Get on.
EDDIE: State of this outfit.
There's nowt wrong with it.
It's got holes in the gusset.
Shut up and put your lid on.
How many people have been wearing
this? Stinks of BO.
SUGAR: I don't like this,
it feels creepy.Bat Boy.
Is it f*ck creepy.
f*ck's sake lads.
There's an Ocado box out front,
it's as middle class as f*ck.
Yeah. But what if he catches us?
Him and his wife won c**t Couple
Of The Year 3 years running.
You know that's not a real thing,
don't you?
Just as well,
be a f*cking tight competition.
Jesus,
I hope that Brian doesn't know
my Cardi fell
on his dead mother's boob.
CARDI: Jesus, I think
one of her boobs just popped.
And he's been frigging himself off
to it ever since.
Right then, Patrick, what category?
Places please, Jim.
Places, right.
Brenda, Places.
Take your time.
Where's my money, Eddie?
Oh, Benny...
Moo.
Never mind f*cking "Moo",
I want that 500. Tonight.
I'm doing this, aren't I.
Tonight. No bullshit.
Yeah, yeah, I promise. Promise.
Bully.
Oh...
D-I-S-C...
This is great.
I wonder if you can get
old episodes on YouTube?
"This is great".
Let's get f*ck...
Do not YouTube
that kind of boring sh*t.
Who the f*ck would
YouTube sommat like that?
EDDIE: Hello, Arthur, um...
I've got a favour to ask you, mate.
Come with me for a sec.
BOWEN: Carol, your turn coming up.
What you hoping for? Books?
SUGAR: I hope he's making her
a nice anniversary dinner.
Maybe's it's take out, you know.
No, they're most likely upstairs,
togs on, taxi ordered.
CAROL: Ah, very romantic.
I feel bad we have to restrain
and incarcerate them.
I know, I love anniversaries.
Flowers, presents,
cards with lovely words in 'em.
You know, just like being in love.
ASHLEY: It's romantic.
It's a celebration, in't it?
All right, Chatty Cathy,
is the doors open?
Bad Brian. Bad, bad Brian.
Bad...
Brian?!
Hey!
Who the f*ck are you f*ckers?
Get him!
Get the woman.
She's pregnant.
Get her gently.
Right.
Ah, not my eyes.
Whoa!
Who the f*ck are you?!
Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
Honestly, there's nothing to fear.
Come any closer
and someone gets f*cking whacked.
Don't be scared, please.
Look, I'm pregnant too.
We don't want that baby
getting stressed.Settle, petal.
We're just here for a little
tete-a-tete
with you and your husband.
Husband? He's not my husband.
I live next door.
ASHLEY: My arm!
What?
Where the f*ck's his wife then?
With her sister,
she'll be back about eleven.
Spicy.
Oh...yeah.
Right, Geography.
That's your subject.
Are you enjoying yourself?
All the Is...
Reminds me of my dad, this.
Used to watch it with him
when we were kids.
Useless w*nk*r.
Reminds me of Dylan,
we used to get stoned and laugh
at Jim Bowen's Farahs.
BOWEN: Right. Right, Carol.
You nervous?
I f*cking blame myself, you know.
For all that sh*t
with the McDonaghs and Dylan.
It's my bloody fault.
It's not your fault, Vin.
Right,
Dylan has got a brilliant mind,
he could've done a million things,
but he decided to stay with you
and d*ck around.
It's not your fault.
Perhaps, he thought
he could do better somewhere else.
Well, at least
we know he's alive, eh.
Mm.
All them f*cking posters,
you know and just a couple
of vague texts...Mm.
What's that all about,
where the f*ck is he?
He's probably scared, Vin? I mean...
I know what that's like.
I just want me friend back.
BOWEN: Right, so...
here's the geography question:
in which country
is the Orinoco River located?
Mozambique?
I'm afraid not, no.
Bully.
Bully?
What's he doing?
Bully! It's incorrect, Bully!
What's going on?
Summat's not right.
What the bloody...
His shoes.
He's got different f*cking shoes on.
Never mind his shoes.
Size of Frodo Shaggings.
Get over here.
Who the f*ck are you?
You're not Eddie?
Arthur. He sh*t out the back door.
He offered me a pint.
Fucker!
Eddie?!
sh*t!
Evening.
Anyone win the speed boat?
♪ DUSTY SPRINGFIELD:
The Look Of Love ♪
So, let me just get this straight,
right. You...
Have a bit of respect.
All right, f*cking hell.
Uh...You, right,
you live next door, with your-
My husband.
Husband, your husband, right.
And you, sir, happily married,
yet you are ploughing
this particular field,
despite the fact,
or-or because of the fact,
that she is eight months pregnant.
Eight and a half.
Eight and half.Do you know
what you're having?A boy.
Oh, my God, me too, congrats...
We thought it was your anniversary.
It is. Mine and hers.
Ah, babe.
Hang on...
how long's that been going on?
Tell her f*ck all.
Two years.
TOMMO: Right, so that baby,
in there,
which you are yet to...
evacuate from yon womb,
uh...that could very well belong
to either of these men.
What the f*ck's
it got to do with you?
Just interesting. It's interesting.
Could be, yes.
You should be ashamed of yourselves,
the pair of youse, so you should be.
Bringing a baby into this scenario.
This is worse than what happened
to Aunt Dedra.Dedra.
And that was her colonoscopy doctor.
Colonoscopy doctor
Hang on a minute.
You f*ckers break in here,
into my house, you tie us up
and then you f*cking stand there
f*cking moralising?!
I mean, who the f*ck are you, eh?
What do you want? Money?
Hey, keep your g*dd*mn voice down.
Ashley don't do the voice, love,
you sound unhinged.
All we want is your phone,
which we already have.
So, open it, please.
Open it. Open it.
Open it.
Oh, f*ck.
I'll stand down Carlton.
Right, can we-can we all
just take a deep breath.
We're here simply
to keep you two company.
And then-And then,
we will uh...disappear,
like puffs of smoke,
into the night from wence we came.
Help! Help!
Shush!
Help!
Shut up!
We're triple glazed,
it's state of the art glass.
Please, let me free,
for the sake of the baby.
I can't be here
when his wife gets home.
ALL: Oh!
f*cking shite.
Yeah.
Uh... She ha-She has...She has...
got a point though, hasn't she?
If the wife comes home,
it'll be a like a f*cking episode
of Jerry Springer or sommat.
Hell hath no fury
like a woman who comes home to find
out that her husband's knocked up
the younger, fitter, hotter next
door neighbour.
So, so, so...here's my plan.
Mm.
We put them both in my f*ck truck,
we take 'em out for a spin
then when we get the signal,
we drop 'em off and leave them
with their own f*cking emotional
car crash.Emotional car crash.
Yeah!Yeah. I agree.
Nice one.
VINNIE: f*ck me, this was meant
to be a piece of piss job
now we are moving a f*cking barge.
When is he gonna need a poo?
You know what I mean.
You lot been on a barging holiday?
No.
No, looks sh*t.
I'm not a beach man myself.
Went to Benalmadena once,
got bit by a jellyfish.
You mean stung?
No, no, bit,
took a chunk out of my arm.
I said to the kids "Me and
abroad we're finished".
Yeah, you'll be hard pressed to find
a more relaxing holiday, than this.
Ah, see! She's a beauty, isn't she.
Right, you lot have a look downstairs
and I'll er...
I'll sort out the ropes.
Hey, keep your f*cking eye on him.
It's like a little house.
Only t-t-tiny.
f*cking hell. Look at the size.
It's big when you get inside,
in't it.Yeah.
Do you know what I'm thinking.
What?
This'd be a bloody good location for
the Manolito weed grow, wouldn't it.
On a barge?
Yeah. On a bar...
I mean, Christ it's inconspicuous,
you know what I mean?
It's f*cking big enough, every
other week, we could just shift it.
No-one's gonna catch us on this.
Vin...
Mm-hm.
You're not thinking big enough.
Ah-ha?
Why don't we expanded our business.
Online: resins, edibles, f*cking...
micro-dosing.
What's that mean?
Little capsules
with magic mushrooms or LSD.
Yeah.
Like a f-f-fun sized Mars bar.
Yes. f*cking hell, they're good fun,
but you've gotta get 'em right.
Listen, I can't screw over Manolito,
all right, not after saving Dylan
from the MacDonaghs.
No, I'm not-I'm not saying
screw him over, I'm saying
grow for him, yeah,
but do our own sideline thing.
And at college I learned how
to set up web pages, secure links.
Did you?
Yes.
How long have you been thinking
about all this?
A while. And obviously,
cos of what happened with Dylan,
we'd need to keep everything...
Zipped!
Agreed?
Mm-hm.Agreed.
Mm-hm.
Agreed.
You get on my nerves, you.
EDDIE: All crew to starboard.
That's it, don't be shy.
Give it a good hard push
and away we go.
That's it, one more.
Go on, one more.
That's it. Right, get yourself
down here and undo them now.
What you like at knots, Vinnie?
Yeah, uh...I don't know.
Just... That's it.
Undo the thing.
Get that one undone, there.
That's it.This?
That's the one, through the hole.
We going round-
Throw that on the side.
It's a f*cking disaster
down here, man.
Here you are. Here you are.
It's getting tighter.
It's this bit here.
You're making it tighter.
It's this... Whoa, whoa.
Oi, oi, oi! f*ck!
Won't be a sec.
What?
Just gonna get this round here.
Are you f*cking running away?
Turning it round.
Are you?
They need to come onto the-
That's it. Ooh, watch the cap!
What cap?
sh*t!
I'm drowning.
Help!
Well, f*cking swim then.
I'm drowning.
Ah, he'll be all right.
Come on.
Cardi, it's shallow. Stand up.
What?
Stand up!
Stand up!
Oh, yeah.
Oi. What the f*ck?
Eddie? You f*cking promised
you wouldn't do this.
Yeah, well,
you underestimated Eddie Braithwaite.
I'm smarter than the average bear.
Edward?!
Right, come on, get up.
Let's get your hands, get you out.
Help!
I mean, I can't...I won't...
Save yourselves.
Pull him up.
Eh, now who's the idiot?
You're a f*cking idiot!
Dude, you're making a low-speed
getaway on a f*cking barge,
we're neck and neck.Yeah,
but you can't reach me, can you.
I'm free.
f*ck's sake.
I'm gonna get blamed for this,
I know I am.
I was the driver in charge of
that truck, and I had the motive.
What motive?
You shouldn't steal, you know,
did your parents never tell you?
No, and as a result, I'm now
an extremely professional thief.
Edward, listen to me, man.
There's no way we're gonna let you
get in trouble for any of this sh*t.
Why me? Why today?
I try and help out,
try and do the right thing.
I try and earn extra money
when Kulvinder gets gut rot
and where does it get me?
I know, dude, listen,
Eddie, I'm f*cking sorry, man.
It does, it sucks.
I'm such a failure.
No, you're not.
Everything keeps going wrong.
Dude, you're not a failure, man.
I try and bring the kids up right,
I try and do the right thing,
but life keeps sh1tting
all over me.
All right, now, now,
listen to me, now.
That's enough.
You're over getting yourself.
Just pull in,
let's put a cup of tea on, right,
and-and we'll sort out the party.
Put it in neutral.
Come on, pull in, love.
Here you go, pal.
Ah.Get warmed up, you.
EDDIE: I've messed up, Vinnie.
I'm ashamed to admit it.
I...
I've got a problem.
It's these apps.
They're just too easy.
Every bored minute I'm on 'em,
horseracing, roulette, football.
I've...
I haven't picked the right Christmas
number one for 17 years running
and it hasn't f*cking snowed.
Christ.
I mean, how deep in are you?
Thousands.
Christ.
I owe people money and
I'm borrowing from Peter to pay Paul,
but now Peter wants his 500 quid.
Well, it's...Benny Buckley, actually.
He was the fella in the pub,
that's why I had to run.
Oh.
And so, you can't go home because...
I've promised the wife I've sorted
the kids' birthday parties.
We've got 40 kids
turning up tomorrow,
twenty each,
I've told them it's all sorted
and organised and paid for.
How the f*ck did you think
you'd get away with all this sh*t?
Kilimanjaro's Bucket,
Dirty Barry at work gave me a tip.
Said it was a dead cert,
knows the trainer.
Right, and let me guess...
it's f*cking lost, hasn't it.
Well I don't know, do I.
Because I was about to pull over
and put the bet on,
when you lot flagged me down.
I'll tell you what I'll do,
save you a f*cking job, hang fire.
It'll have lost, won't it.
Eh, your f*cking track record.
It'll have lost.
And so would your money have been.
Here we go.
Mm.
Did very well.
It won, didn't it.
Yeah.
f*cking hell.
You see this is the thing
about being a gambler.
You rely on these occasional wins
to cancel out some of your losses.
Look, man, you need to get help
for this gambling.
It's f*cking insane. All this
bullshit we've been through.
I swear to God, if you carry on
the way you have been doing,
your gonna lose everything?
Oh, come on. What am I gonna do?
My kids are gonna know
I've let 'em down and...
I'm on a final warning with Maria.
You said "parties". Plural.
Have you promised them one each?
Me son wants
a football party with goals
and a referee and corner flags,
and the little princess wants
a ghosts and ghouls party.
I've said there was gonna be food
and goody bags, the whole shebang.
I mean,
we can sort this out, I think.
I mean, honestly, mate,
I feel as responsible as you do.
I'm gonna see to it,
me and this lot,
that them kids have
the best f*cking birthday party
they've ever had in their lives.
Yeah.
Have you ever robbed owt?
Right.
WAIT until I get to the van,
I'll give you a signal,
then dash 'em over.
Get back in your box,
that's it. f*ck the f*ck off.
I've got a 10" inch dildo in here
with your name on it, Maureen,
go back to your Chianti.
And...
Go. Go. Go. Go.
Go.
Shh.
Get your f*cking hands off me.
You are dead, you f*ckers!
Mrs Manford!
Mrs Manford!
Superior sound proofing.
Mrs Man-
Mrs Man...
It's a brand new rug that, and all.
♪ CAPTAIN BEEFHEART & HIS MAGIC BAND:
Zig-Zag Wanderer ♪
I've got it.
Go. You go.
Oh, God.
Your f*cking lights on strobe.
c**t.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh!
Ah...sh*t.
There you go.
ERIN: What you on about?
Toga.
That's yoga, Calvin.
We want togas. Fancy dress.
Oh... Oh, that's aisle three.
So...you there. There.
Two, one, go.
CAROL: How long?
Sixty-six seconds.
Oh sh*t, that's short.
This is very quick now,
for a first child.
It's coming, I need the hospital.
OK. Let me down the business front.
I need to see how far she's dilated.
It's OK, it's OK, no worries,
I used to be a nurse.
In a p*rn.
A f*cking p*rn?
Eager beavers, Vol-
Don't TELL him!
It's unavailable.
I wouldn't even try it.
I had the devil's own job trying
to get hold of a copy.
Christ, it's heavy this?
Dude, roll it.
It's on f*cking rollers,
it's on wheels.
You having fun?
Yeah, lads, it's great, in't it.
Something's happening down there.
Jesus Christ. Lads, go on...
huh, huh.Force it out.
My twins aren't getting married, Vin.
Get that in there.
Come on, you pig!
CAROL: Push down!
Good girl, keep it going for now.
That's excellent, go on.
Are you all right, there?
Vaginas are mystic,
complex creatures.
You should get down here, Sugar,
see what's coming towards you
in the next few months.
No, thank you.
Come on, you too, Tommo.
He's not looking!
No, no, no, no...
Listen, no offence or anything,
you know, I'm all
for the start of the process,
but this end of things...
I leave it to the professionals, me.
Oh, Christ Almighty,
there's a f*cking head!
f*cking help her then, you bellend.
Oh, my God.
The things I get roped into.
Very well done. Good.
All right. You've got uh...
It's all right, it's...
Breathe. Brea... Oh.
Breathe. Push. Push!
It's all right, Tommo,
it's all natural.
It's no worse than bull jizz.
Oh.
A beautiful boy!
He's absolutely gorgeous.
It's in my mouth.
How we gonna cut the
umbiblical cord?
Could someone not have
brought the scissors to me?
I want you to know,
I was born from an illicit affair
and I never knew my real father,
so I want you to stay
in that boy's life,
always show him love and care, OK?
I will. Course I will.
♪ SNOW PATROL: You Could Be Happy ♪
Now what do we do with this?
Clamp a two-finger width
from the baby's body.
Push the blood out.
That's it.
Then another two fingers,
place the second clamp.
There we go.
Now cut in between.
I do think now though,
she needs go to the hospital, Carol.
Ah, nonsense. In Ireland,
I've known babies be born in the pub
then the mother gets up
and has another pint.It's true.
Look at him Brian. He's so gorgeous.
I love him already.
We made that.
What the f*ck's going on here?!
♪ GNARLS BARKLEY:
Run ♪
♪ Yeah, it's still the same,
Can't you feel the pain?
♪ When the needle hits the vein,
ain't nothing like the real thing
♪ Run! ♪
CHILDREN: Mum, Dad! Wake up!
Wake up! Wake Up!
Happy birthday, darlings.
♪ Who were you
To ask for anything more?
♪ Do you wait
For your dancing lessons
♪ To be sent from God?
♪ You'd like His light
To shine on you... ♪
♪ You've really missed a trick... ♪
What...the...
f*ck.
Hello.
EDDIE: 'We're coming out.
I want you to see their faces.'
OK. He-Hey...Hey...
Where the hell are you taking us?
Eh.
Who are all these people?
Don't worry.
Stop judging by their looks.
They're with me.
ALL: Whoa...
Here we go!
There you go!
For Darren, a football party.
And for the little princess,
ghosts and ghouls!
Eddie, you've done amazing.
I'm so proud of you.
DARREN: Ah, Dad!
Come here.
You're the best!
ALL: Woo!
Ooh...
I'm gonna sh*t myself.
Yes. Go on, Ed.
Yes, go and get it done, dude.
I am not gonna make it.
You crap the shite
out of them fobs, dude.
Come on. Sick.
Oh...
so unfortunate.
♪ BAND OF SKULLS: I Know What I Am ♪
♪ High, ho, triple salchow
♪ I got a feeling like a tidal flow
♪ But I know what I am,
They know what they are
♪ So let me be
Gasoline, Saccharine
♪ I got no reason
For the state I'm in... ♪
Oh, you beauty.
♪ Hotel, Taco Bell
♪ I got the hit
That you know damn well
♪ But I know what I am,
They know what they are
♪ So let me be
Cut teeth, better believe
♪ I got a feeling
That I'm underneath
♪ But I know what I am,
They know what they are
♪ So let me be... ♪
Come on!
Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
Police?
I've been kidnapped and robbed.
Help me!
♪ THE STAPLE SINGERS: The Weight ♪
♪ I pulled into Nazareth
♪ I was feelin' about half past dead
♪ I just needed some place
♪ Where I could lay my head
♪ "Hey, mister, can you tell me
♪ "Where I can might find a bed?"
♪ He just grinned and shook my hand
♪ And, "No" was all he said
♪ Take a load off, Fanny... ♪
Now then, Dyldo...
just finished a job.
That didn't go well.
As per the usual.
I just f*cking miss you, man,
wherever you are.
Just look after yourself.
If you know what is good for you,
you will leave right now.
TOMMO: Mm...
So glad you could come.
Who the f*ck steals a coffin?
Not mentally stable, is he?
Correct.
Oh, well done, dickhead,
now it's all over the floor
of a sacred vehicle. f*ck off!
Yeah, pfft...no.
Where's that f*cking body?
The time for farting around
is very much over.
Whitney Houston, we got a problem.
Oh, f*ck.
♪ SIR JOE QUARTERMAN & FREE SOUL:
I've Got So Much Trouble In My Mind ♪
Cheers.
05x01 - Eddie
Watch/Buy Amazon
Follows the lives of Vinnie O'Neill and his friends as they live their lives in the fictional northern English town of Hawley.
Follows the lives of Vinnie O'Neill and his friends as they live their lives in the fictional northern English town of Hawley.