03x01 - Foutleys On Ice - Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me th♪ On the other side. r ♪

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

[snorts]

WOMAN: And now on to the student selection

for this year's fellowship program.

From the scores of nominees, we've singled out finalists

five of whom will be offered the opportunity to study

at our prestigious institution.

Maurice, the portfolios, please.

Candidate number one...

Ginger!

Coming, Ma!

Ginger, I can not believe

you applied for that fellowship

without telling us.

Well, I'm sure I'm not going to get in.

Oh, but you guys, the campus is so cool.

It's up in the mountains,

and there are these elk, like, everywhere.

Elk can be incredibly hostile

especially during... mating season.

[laughing]

Oh, gross!

He's trying out

his new anti- hypothermia balm

made out of chicken fat.

Crafty.

Stop changing the subject, Ginger.

Let's say you did get into Avalanche Arts Academy,

then you'd be away from your friends and your family

for a whole entire semester!

Away from my family might not be such a bad thing.

Hold your applause;

I'm a modest man.

I can be modest.

[girls groaning]

Downright invigorating is what it is.

If I can convince the jury that my skin is frost-resistant

I'm a shoe-in.

What are you talking about?

The Weird Human Winter Fest, ah-duh!

It's going to be televised and everything.

I don't think you have to put on an act

to convince anyone that you're weird, Carl.

Nope, just have them call me for confirmation.

[telephone rings]

Needs jelly.

Hello, Carl.

Ms. Sussman, I presume.

Hurry it up, Carl, I mean it.

'Fraid I have to cut the call short--

the red hen squawks alone.

Ah, your sister.

Then, uh, see you in the doghouse after-schoolish.

Affirmative.

I'm giving you to three, Carl.

One, two...

Three.

And you wonder why you don't date more.

LOIS: What the heck are you kids doing?!

Don't answer.

Carl, pants!

Ginger, muffs.

Dodie, Macie, in the car.

She's going to stall if I leave her running without gas in her.

It's bitter cold, let's go!

What?

Nothing.

What?!

Nothing, nothing!

It's just that, well... no one wears them anymore.

Oh, fine!

Okay, so let's suppose you did get in,

would you definitely go?

I mean, what I'm asking is

are you really prepared to be away from us

for that long?

I'm not going to get in, Dodie, okay?

It's practically a non-issue.

Hey, Courtney.

Morning, Ginger.

Oh, darling earmuffs.

Thanks.

[grumbles]

What?Nothing.

What?!

Nothing, nothing!

Look, they just happened

to work on her, okay?

Okay...

Yoo-hoo, Ginger! Wait up!

[growls]

Every time I turn around,

there she is causing me discomfort.

Kind of like an ingrown toenail.

Exactly-- let's face it,

Foutley makes me sick

and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

What if I told you

there's already been something done about it?

CARL: Truth is, the hypothermia balm

didn't really work that well.

And even if it did,

I'm not sure it's weird enough

to get me into the Weird Human Winter Fest.

HOODSEY: Cheesecake pudding sounds kind of icky, but it actually isn't.

I've got to come up with

something really unique, truly weird.Want?

Hoodsey, can't you think about something

other than cheesecake pudding for a minute?

Well, I could say the same thing to you

about the Weird Human Winter Fest.

Look, why don't you just repeat one of the weirdo things

you've done in the past.

Go as wolfboy or something.

I'll just pretend I didn't hear that.

Originality is what separates me

from the rest of the hacks

and once you start ripping yourself off,

you're no better than...

Gentlemen... Hoodsey,

partaking in the cheesecake pudding, I see.

It sounds icky, but...

What do you want, Gripling?

We're busy pretending that you don't exist.

Oh, really?

Well, that task is about to become

infinitely harder, I'd say,

what with my pending debut on the telly.

Say what?

That's right, Foutley, the Weird Human Winter Fest.

No doubt you've heard of the venue?

You?! In the Weird Human Winter Fest?

How in the Big Guy's name would thateverhappen.

You're only, like,

the mostboring kid on the planet.

If Dullsville had a president,

you'd be mayor.

No, president.

Yeah, president.

Oh... you're entitled

to your opinions, I suppose,

but it just so happens

thatIhave a birthmark on my left buttock

much resembling Mother Teresa-- rest her soul.

Get out!

If you ask me,

it's downright... weird.

[chortles]

One-upped by a stupid mole on the hiney?

Oh, this can't be happening.

GINGER: Sometimes it's best to downplay things

that you know are only going to make other people upset.

So I'm not talking about it and they're not talking about it,

but we're all thinking about it, because the truth is

I'm dying to go to Avalanche Arts Academy.

It's as simple as that.

Ooh, it's, it's...

Taupe.

Gross.

I bet the drinking water...

Is nothing but sparkling clean

up at Avalanche Arts Academy.

Isn't that what you're going to say?

Dodie, I...

Well, isn't it?

No rust in their fountains, no sirree, Bob.

[feedback piercing over P.A. system]

WOMAN [over P.A.]: Good afternoon, student body.

I have just received some very exciting news.

One of our own students has been selected

for the prestigious Avalanche Arts Academy fellowship.

I'm sure it's not me; there's no way it's me.

Pack your bags, we'll miss you...

Ginger Foutley!

It's me?

You kind of knew

it was going to turn out that way.

Oh, that is great, Ginger, just great.

Bon voyage!

Gee-whiz, Ginger,

couldn't be happier for you, really.

Ditto.

This news is so fantastic.

I'm even thinking

of throwing a bon voyage party...

andinviting you.

Dodie! Dodie, wait!

I'd chase after her, too,

but my bronchial passages are already a tad constricted.

Suppose there's no harm in just making it a brisk walk.

[laughs nervously]

How is this possible?

How didsheget in?

Five kids in the entire country and they choose Ginger?

It doesn't add up.

It's not like she invented

a cure for the common cold or something.

This was a big year for Ginger.

Macie, stop.

I really expected

that my best friend wouldtryto be happy

if something great like this

actually happened to me.

But since that isn't the case,

the last thing I intend to do

is convince her I deserve it.

What I don't deserve is to be treated likethis,Dodie.

I don't.

Oh...

Miss you already, Ginger.

[softly]: Round and round and round they go.

Where they stop, nobody knows.

BOTH: Oh, my gosh!

[gasps]

Apologies...

one thousand apologies.

Carl, the tonsils.

She m*rder*d the tonsils!

I meant no harm.

Tell it to the fleshy mounds, baby.

Hoodsey... did you see that?

She was moving things around without using her hands.

Yeah, I saw it, Carl, but...

Do it again.

What a bug out.

Woman, you have Weird Human Winter Fest

written all over you.

And Gripling's derriere can't hold a candle to you!

[Carl hoots]

She's not happy for me, she doesn't want me to go

and she's acting like this whole thing was designed

to hurtherfeelings.

LOIS: Honey, Dodie's just worried

about her best friend being away for so long.

We're not talking about a summer session

at Camp Caprice here.

Such a change is bound to rattle the nerves a little.

Tell me about it.

But that's why I need her support.

I mean, my nerves are rattled, too.

Accepting that fellowship

would change my whole entire life.

But change could be good.

In fact, ever since I made the big change

from Lycra to cotton I've been far less irritable.

Uh...

In my room thinking it over if you need me.

Well, don't fill up on bread!

DODIE: I don't want to hold Ginger back.

Honest, I don't,

but this is like my worst nightmare totally coming true.

She's... she's my best friend.

[sobbing]

We're all best friends.

But Ginger won't be gone forever, Dodie.

Yeah, it's just one semester.

Just one semester?

Just one semester?!

Do you have any idea how much can happen

in just one semester?!

[Dodie whimpering]

My bangs could be totally grown out by then

just to put it into perspective.

Good grief.

Look, this is an awesome opportunity for Ginger,

and both of you should try behaving accordingly.

Ginger going away for a little while

isn't the end of the world, even if it feels like it, okay?

It's the end of the world-- run!

Cannibal from space, cannibal from space.

[people screaming]

[moaning in fear]

[munching]

Cannibal from space.

Giant cannibal from space.

Hey, Noelle, pass me my drink

using your telekinetic powers, would you?

[big sigh]

So cool.

[knock]

Would you get that, Noelle--

you know, using your telekinetic powers.

Telekinetic powers.

Telekinetic powers.

It's all you ever talk about anymore!

Noelle-- the door.

Whoof!

Stand back.

So cool!

NOELLE: I'm really angry.

See you later, Noelle.

Is she the greatest, or what?

Hmph! "Do not disturb."

We should put this on your sister's door.

I'm guessing it's too late for you.

Don't I know it.

You here to watch Giant Cannibal From Space?

It's the part where he demands to eat

the leader of our natural habitat.

As the leader of your natural habitat,

I just came by to tell you that it's time for dinner.

What are we having?

Human carnage-- what else?

GINGER: The strangest thing is when you finally get what you wish for

and then suddenly you're not sure if you want it anymore,

and then you don't know what to wish for.

But come on-- outdoor classes,

half of your day devoted to electives.

And the kids look really cool.

So you out of here, or what?

Currently?

Undecided.

Hmm, I see.

Well, I'm working on the girls, just in case.

Has Dodie mellowed out?

Not really.

But maybe when you board that bus.

You mean, if I board that bus.

No, Ginger.

I meanwhen you board that bus.

Because if there's one thing I've learned

living next door to you it's that you're destined

for things greater than Sheltered Shrubs.

Oh, Darren.

Don't forget me, Ginger, okay?

[sighs deeply]

I'm going.

[lively conversations]

[chickens clucking]

CARL: You nervous? Don't be.

I'm not, Carl.

Do you need a drink?

A mint?

A shoulder massage?

Um, no thanks, Carl.

Good, that's good.

Don't be intimidated.

I'm not intimidated, Carl!

Shouldn't be.

They ain't got nothing on you.

You sure about that mint?

[chickens cackling]

Is it me he loves,

or my telekinetic powers?

Your telekinetic powers, duh!

But so what?

Sir, perhaps you should rise

and trot about for a spell.

Wouldn't want any discoloration to set in.

No worries, Winston.

The hiney is in top condition, as always.

Of course, sir.

Higsby, not you, too.

You better believe it.

I'm working on something extra weird.

Did you see the turtle eater?

Talk about disturbing.

You're not Weird-Fest material, Higsby.

Why don't you pack it up and bring it home.

Not Weird-Fest material?

Perhaps you'd like a little preview

of my Ooga-Booga Dance.

[breathes deeply]

Ooga-Booga!

[giggles foolishly]

Don't tell anyone else what I've got worked up.

Okay? Promise. Promise?

No worries, Higsby.

Your secret is safe with me.

MIPSY: Tell Uncle Maurice the offer came through

and big thanks for doing your part, okay?

I transferred you the money

from my Bat-Mitzvah account as discussed.

Mipsy, wait.

What do you think it would take

to make Operation Transfer Girl a bit more permanent?

Permanent?

As in getting rid of Foutley forever.

Forever!

Miranda-- you just gave me a brilliant idea.

[crowd murmuring excitedly]

WINSTON: Step aside-- as you were.

[whispering]: Telekinetic girl.

Telekinetic girl.

Where are you?

Mole butt, mole butt.

Show me the mole butt!

He did it.

Yes!

Mr. Gripling did it.

We're in, we're in!

WINSTON: All hail, Teresa!

Ooga-Ooga Dance.

Am I on there?

Am I on there?

I just have to be on there.

Let me see.

There must be some mistake.

My mom said it was super weird and scary.

[hysterically]: Super weird and scary!

[sobbing]

Tough break, Higsby.

Aw.

Well, there is always next year, I suppose.

Is she in, is she in?

She's... in.

[all hooting]

And I guess I really am happy for you... sort of.

And?

And I take back what I said about

not knowing how in the world you got it.

Because?

Because you deserve it, Ginger.

And?

And I'm really sorry

I wasn't more supportive.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

I'm going to miss you, too, Dodie.

A lot.

Just so you know.

BOTH: Oh.

So sweet it could turn me diabetic...

knock wood.

Excuse me, but why are you two girls

locked in a heartfelt embrace?

Oh, we're saying good-bye, Courtney.

I'm leaving tomorrow.

Didn't you hear the announcement?

I don't listen to the announcements, you know that.

Ginger has been accepted

into the Avalanche Arts Academy.

She'll be gone for a whole semester.

Oh, I don't like the sound of that one bit.

TEACHER: Sorry to interrupt.

Ginger, think you might be up

for performing a little farewell piece tomorrow?

Something to say good-bye to all your fans

before you disappear into the limelight.

Disappear?

She's joking... really.

You won't even know I'm gone

and I'll be back before you know it.

Courtney, your udon noodles are getting cold.

They're supposed to be cold.

Well, then they're getting warm.

Let's go!

Did you hear anything

about this Ginger Foutley going away business?

I think I did hear something about it.

Yes.

HOODSEY: "Each entrant..."

That's me.

"...will be allowed one traveling companion."

That's me.

What about me?

Keep reading.

"In addition, if the entrant

is under the age of ..."

And I am.

"...a chaperone will be required to attend."

That's you.

A chaperone? Oh, no.

No adult is going to agree

to take us to the Freak Fest.

Carl, I said that's him.

Didn't you hear me?

Hoodsey?

Your chaperone?

Give me a break.

Yeah, I get carded when I try and do PG-.

The boy is too young.

Ah, but with the help of stage makeup, a woolen vest,

and a pair of simple drywall stilts,

why, Hoodsey can become my chaperone.

My mom would freak.

I like the sound of it.

I like the way your mind works.

I like the way you like me, I have to admit.

Now, feed me the leader of your natural habitat.

Yoo-hoo, girls!

MACIE: Oh, what an unexpected delight.

Typically we don't do much socializing.

Yes, well... I just wanted to tell you

that I am positively miserable

about the idea of our Ginger going away.

Oh, me too, Courtney.

I know exactly how you feel.

In fact, I...

Please, Dodie, I'm emoting.

Carry on.

As I was saying,

I am positively miserable

about the idea of Ginger going away.

For some reason it reminds me

exactly of how I felt

when my favorite character was k*lled off

on the soap opera Loves of our Lives.

BOTH: Jocelyn.

The very same.

In any case, to help me cope

with the unforeseen trauma of this event

I'll need the help of you, Ginger's closest friends.

This is it, this is it!

I want you girls to spend as much time around me

as I can possibly tolerate, to help ease my suffering.

We'd be honored, Courtney.

So should we head over to your place?

Snacks and study group sound good?

Oh, don't be absurd.

Ginger's not gone yet.

Unbelievable.

It's like every...

Don't even have to say it.

I know what you're thinking.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Does it not?

Bunk with me tonight, huh?

Okay.

I'm not moving away forever,

so why does it feel like I am?

Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed, I just say...

[honking]

Cool your jetski, Massabi-- be down in a minute!

Hey!

Guess I'd better get

some of these boxes down there.

Guess I better get ready for Miranda's party.

Take a couple of deep breaths, Ging.

Your stuff may be leaving tonight,

but you've still got a little more time.

[door squeaks]

GINGER: A little more time to talk to my mom,

a little more time to hang out with my friends,

a little more time before life as I know it grinds to a halt

and then... miraculously begins again.

[bedsprings squeak]

The hiney is in top condition, as always.

Of course, sir.