01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

these software didn't get thrown out of

a couple of locker rooms

okay okay you ready yeah go back in

there and get them son

okay go get em that's my boy

that's my boy

[Music]

you

[Music]

thanks dutchman always a thrill to get

an actual cash payment for something

your father drinks

oh dutch man no i had a cup of joe

please seems your son here had a

different idea

it's on me pop oh all right there

yeah so aside from the pugilistic

endeavors how was spring training

hmm nothing like it huh well i'll tell

you it was rejuvenation time for this

veteran old sports crap

did you read my column no but i feel an

urge

cheers pal thank you ah dewey freeman

uh-huh boy would have spring that guy's

heaven huh

and what a set of pistons i mean he's

unbelievable oh yeah

one hell of a incredible

damn ineffable ball player

yeah spring training that's never been

more than just a bunch of

overgrown adolescents standing around

looking at their porsches as far as i'm

concerned they don't love baseball

this guy right here now he cares about

the game you know

he has a real reverence for the

institution that i think is the backbone

of this society what is he now dewey

freeman uh 38

39. people thought he was through a year

ago

waived by the mariners now that's

humiliation so he's making a comeback

well read the article

dewey freeman proves that a step slower

may just be a step smarter

that the waistline may be a little

bigger but so is the heart

and there is no substitute for

experience courage

and intestinal fortitude you can't fake

the years you have to live them

dewey freeman has i find that

encouraging

well it's just a vote for experience and

determination over

over dumb you you know

you said it kind of like the slap

maxwell story

she's a parallel there oh no kidding

hey listen pop i'm gonna use a little

boy's rumor but order up another one

on me

i just don't know whether he has it

well spring of poetry that just that all

great writers have do you know what i

mean oh my

you might want to have a look at this

sports stats

journalistic on weed still in all what

am i looking for

transactions most recent baseball

trade sent down to the miners injured

reserve

waived

[Music]

oh no oh honey i'm just looking for you

boy your face looks bad worse than me

plus you've got a black eye you're right

look honey i want to talk to you but uh

maybe we can do that when i get back all

right

did you have fun at the grapefruit

league uh cactus cactus right yeah

yeah it was good it was uh it was fine

uh actually it was exhilarating you

didn't call

i call i couldn't i couldn't do that

because of the phones down there

they have the rotary component inside uh

you know instead of the punch button

which my long distance thing i couldn't

work

just as well actually i mean my father

might have answered the phone yeah

listen honey uh

i can't talk right now but i have to get

it i think i'm gonna move in with you

you gonna move in with me well yeah i

know it's just a cheesy little motel

room now but

but i thought maybe we could think of it

as a a starter apartment

oh honey ah let's think about your mom a

minute i mean she might go into an

actual stupid

i'm not asking for a commitment heaven

forbid i just

want to be with you i want to know that

you care okay of course i care honey

just because i haven't been slobbering

into some long-distance telephone that

doesn't mean i don't think about it okay

just think about it look anita don't

start with the hider couch i told you

anita you read my column this morning

yes i read your column this morning i

always read your column this morning

look you're the greatest writer since

norman lear okay look if you don't mind

i got other cats on the griddle my

column's no good nelson

look anita is turning into one of those

what do you call it those mean things

with teeth

they wave dewey freeman it's on our

stats page

now somebody should have caught that

before they printed it whose job is it

to catch things like that nelson

yours mine i'm a sports writer nelson

not a bean counter

she's all over me this morning because i

put cantaloupe rinds in the disposal

talking about a man's life here a man's

career

i mean she's cranky she's irritable i

mean it's like that thing she went

through a few years ago you know that

post dmz minestrone partum stuff look

i've got to get back down to spring

training before freeman leaves okay i've

got to find out what the hell is going

on

and yesterday she hollers at me because

i let the baking soda in the

refrigerator expire slap what's going on

here

i don't know what's going on maybe anita

found out about that little number at

the hardware store what's her name

myrna yeah maybe maybe someone at the

bridge club told anita

about myrna that's it myrna now can we

please start talking about my going back

to spring training

that's what she's festering about she

knows about m*rder that's got to be it

anita knows i'm going back

do what you want

you

hi jews yeah i know it's kind of sudden

but

i figured that if i waited to get a nod

from you nothing would ever happen

so you just decided to move right in huh

that and my parents have become pretty

difficult to live with

yeah yeah sure absolutely while i'm gone

you just uh

you just stay right here and then when i

come back maybe you can stay on for a

couple of days

i've got to go back down to uh spring

training before dewey freeman leaves

and when we get back honey maybe you and

i should sit down and

talk this whole situation over i thought

this might go over the bed

honey i want to caution you on one thing

though don't get too attached to this

old place

it glows in the dark you know what oh

yeah great great

good so i'll be here when you get back

uh yeah i'll count on that

all right and i won't stay if you don't

want me right but you'd be crazy if you

don't

i couldn't agree with you more

baby bye see you sweetie

[Music]

a d we'll be right back with daphne

coleman in slap maxwell

my mouth has a terrible time waking up

in the morning

come on you know why most cereals bore

it to sleep

but not quaker natural cereal my mouth

gets a charge of whole grains

honey almonds raisins a bunch of

different textures

a blast of different tastes hmm that's

really man my mouth will never get back

to sleep

once you taste quaker natural everything

else is just

corn flakes and now there's softer

juicier raisins and dates

i think my mouth is gonna kiss me

when i'm with you and when i

surrender to a tasty kiss or two

martini and rossy pasty

make the moment sparkle

[Music]

the original the shower massage by

teledine water paint

what could a bunch of bumbling bank

robbers what could possibly go wrong now

and a lovely old lady have a guest in

the house

possibly have in common tell you i don't

like old ladies

not much until they spill the beans

i tell you we must do something she

knows it wouldn't be right to keep

some money alec guinness herbert long

and peter sellers

are the lady K*llers tuesday

back at us back and taking no prisoners

you wouldn't know what to do with them

anyway

black adam goes forth thursday 11 30 12

30 pacific

amd is back with dabney coleman as slap

[Music]

maxwell

[Music]

really got to hold that baby huh i

haven't seen a curb that fat since

tidewater

what are you here for the funeral uh you

know my son elliott i thank you remember

him

yeah sure how you doing nice to meet you

mr freeman uh me and your old man go way

back

yeah he interviewed me my rookie year

wow

yeah it must have been about a thousand

years ago yeah

seems like yesterday so elliot what's

your line young fella like you

broker arbitrager oh no sir uh

actually i'm a sports writer well

aspiring well

i tell them to just hang in there you

know take a couple on the chin but uh

hang in right dewey yeah well when

you're young that's right yeah yeah well

even when you're not so young right

when you're not so young you got to sort

of pay attention to reality you got to

face a few facts about yourself

yeah we heard the bad news uh i heard

about you getting waved today front

office morons they got some

whiz kid making minimum down in double a

gm calls me and he says dewey we're

going with youth

see you thanks for the memories yeah a

bunch of idiots

yeah maybe they're right i played ball a

long time i should be thankful for that

like they're doing you a favor huh at

least that's what they want to make you

believe

you don't buy that do you what what are

you talking about i'm cut

well hey i can think of at least a half

a dozen teams that pick you up in no

time at all man with your firepower

you watch a week or two that phone's

gonna be ringing off the hook you're

gonna end up with minnesota maybe new

york what are you tinkerbell

read the papers max well i'm history

look why don't you guys get out of here

i want to be by myself

come on no way man you just

think walking away is going to solve

everything let me tell you something

last week i sat down and figured out how

many times i swung this stick in my

career

cotton batting practice spring training

winter ball and venezuela comes about

three million

that's a lot of cuts in it that's a lot

of pine tar it's a lot of pressure

i put my butt on the line for this game

and i don't need some cheerleader with a

press card telling me what i should or

shouldn't do now you never stood between

those white lines baby you were never

there

i was i see you maxwell thanks for the

ink

hey just a darn minute let me tell you

something about my father elliot no no

i've got something to say here papa he's

gonna hear it

my father puts his butt on the line more

than you do every time he writes a

column he

he leaves part of himself in those words

and he's in there pitching every day

seven days a week

except for uncle nelson fires him but he

always comes back harder than ever

no time off for hot stove league no

licking his wounds no feeling sorry for

himself so don't say my pop never played

the game

he's as much a big leaguer as you

[Music]

i didn't mean are step in there like

that

it was good what you said about my being

a big leader

yeah maybe i got a little carried away

you guys were slinging so much bull i

thought i was gonna get buried in it

but i guess that's what sports is isn't

it

[Music]

well come on i'll buy you beer really

i mean i'd be buying part of sports is

the

last one off the field does the buying

[Music]

[Music]

so

uh

boy this is great

okay baseball

spring training

dewey freeman

uh mr williams can i call you thumper

all right uh mr thumper

i know you usually talk to my pop but

tonight he's uh

a bit under the weather he was my fault

really i mean because i

let him force me into a drinking contest

so anyway pop said i could write a guest

column

being is how i've been to spring

training now and uh being is how he's

got a

steamroller going through his head

but i need your help so uh

goes nothing in

baseball it

isn't over

[Music]

until they run

out of balls

somewhere birds

are singing

and somewhere children shout

dewey freeman is a wimp

[Music]

and the wimp is bailing out

i mean if i ever get any good at this

writing game maybe i'll uh

carry on the maxwell tradition huh

yeah pop's got it pretty good not

everybody's that lucky when they get old

like pop of course you wouldn't know

about that you being

immortal and all i mean sure you're old

now but

you'll never really be old you'll always

be

knocking it over the fence

you'll always be who you are

[Music]

the cliffs may hang

idle but the spirit of the man

the spirit of the player

doesn't

[Music]

louis freeman should be valued for what

he was

not for what he isn't anymore

[Music]

thanks mr thumper

[Music]

so

hey judy hi hi

i didn't expect you till tomorrow yeah

well i uh i uh picked up a few

saturday night is the loneliest night of

the week carbohydrates ah

and it was a special on cheese spread

did you do something to the house here

do something i mean did you move

something around fiddle with stuff or

i considered varnishing everything the

dresser the tv the bed

the tv honey the tv guide is not on the

tv

you're right it's probably on the bed

how could i be so stupid i mean

the tv guy belongs you know

on the tv you're right after all it's

not a bed guide

there you go so how was the interview

interesting you know uh this guy is just

well he's in the prime of light well

almost in his prime anyway and all of a

sudden he gets this little setback and

he uh he decides to hang him up

get himself a metal detector and head

for the beach and you don't think he

should

i don't know it's his car it's his life

you know me i just live and let live

yeah right

so you're still here

it's the ambiance i didn't call i

noticed

i thought about calling well then my

dreams have come true i

actually went to a pay phone the one in

the lounge and

no change of course and uh the guy

behind me little uh

diabetic guy had to order some insulin

then you're a saint well yeah in a way

you might say that

slap

i want to know how you feel about me

segway honey how about a little segway

okay how do you feel about me

you know how i feel about you i want to

hear it

i want to hear the words you never say

the words

don't don't be afraid to use a cliche if

it'll make it easier

maybe there's some poetry you'd like to

refer to

anything but that nantucket thing

well honey it's not just something

you're

you're blurred out i mean you know i'm

crazy about you you're very

you're very special to me you know that

i think you're and i don't say this

lightly

i think you're the cat's pajamas you

mean it the bee's knees

anything else yeah

i want you to stay on for how long

how about open ended how about no

checkout time you pick up half the rent

we'll just see how it goes by open-ended

do you mean

that i mean by that that we will see how

we'll see what honey slap i don't want

to go day by day

i'm not a kelly girl i want something

more from you

judy do you know what this place is like

in the summertime

this is like a sauna bath slap i want a

commitment

because of the air conditioner you know

what the air conditioner reminds me of

reminds me one of those old vegematics

slap i want a commitment the spice diced

things slap put a bowling ball in there

a minute and a half later sawdust i want

a commitment

i'm really trying here you know honest

to god i'm trying

and maybe it's that word commitment

maybe if we could find a word that

doesn't start with the hard c

you know something a little bit less

[Music]

intimidating so

if i picked up a thesaurus would that

make it easier for you

[Music]

you just might and uh maybe i should get

one of those

1001 position books because i only know

about

980.

your dad with a chainsaw

hey i'm not squeezing my hush puppies

for nothing you know

i did it slap i did it just like you

said

you did what i told her i told anita

all about myrna oh hi judy

nelson i didn't tell you to say anything

about m*rder no

you said that anita was acting loony

because of m*rder but you were wrong

dead wrong she didn't know nothing about

it

and and you told her about it didn't

tell her

i asked her but then she figured it out

i mean that's when the troubles start

but i'll tell you something buddy

i'm glad it happened i mean i'm glad

that she kicked me out

i'm happy about it this is gonna be a

good thing

i'm on my own no more cow town to anyone

just me

and you just us two us two guys

and judy just us three

so where do i hang my lamp

[Music]

a and e will be right back with slap

maxwell

[Music]

coming up on a e explore the persona of

history's most notorious mass m*rder*r

in the fatal attraction of adolf h*tler

technology has finally conquered space

the space

between your teeth

with interplank its bristles rotate 4

200 times a minute

gently reaching into the spaces between

teeth and along the gums

to clean your mouth nearly plaque-free

every time you brush

interplant the high-tech answer to a

down-to-earth need

in this week's time an advertising

message that offers a smart approach to

television viewing

whenever i used to watch tv my brother

tom would always flip me out

then we got this magnavox smart window

tv that lets tommy flip through all the

channels

and i can keep watching what i want to

now i can see what i've been missing

and that's quite a lot don't miss the

magnavox smart window tv

in time this week in the city the heat

wave continues with temperatures well

into the night introducing garden

vegetable one of seven new crockery

spreadable cheese snacks from kraft

take a little dip before dinner

crockery the fun is spreading

introducing cheddar one of seven new

crockery spreadable cheese snacks from

kraft

unleash your dog crockery the fun is

spreading

if you think oat brand cereals are the

way to go for overall nutrition

we're about to turn the tables on

a leading consumer magazine just rated

nabisco shredded wheat ahead of all the

leading oat brand cereals in nutritional

value

that's how much fiber protein vitamins

and minerals per calorie we have and how

little sugar and fat

gee thanks and that should turn your

ideas about nutrition around

tone of disco shredded wheat

[Music]

oh

oh

[Music]

wow