01x01 - Inherit the Wheeled

[bunniefuu]

♪

(Honking)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ah!

♪

♪

(Beeping)

How come we have to wait for

eighth grade to go on the eighth

grade camping trip?

Well, Ace, I think it’s so if

we’re lost in the forest and

eaten by wolves, at least we die

with an education.

I love the outdoors.

I saw a video about it once, and

it’s, like... huge.

Uh...

(Thudding)

Ow!

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ow, ow, ow!

Actually, I read that Mt.

Komacho is the most treacherous

peak in the country for skiing.

No way.

You, like, read some thing?

Did it say why it’s so

dangerous for skiing?

No, but after some

meteorological research, I

concluded it’s because it never

has any snow on it.

(Screaming)

(Crashing)

I don’t get camping.

You haul bad tasting food in to

the forest, sleep in a garbage

bag with a door, just so you can

wake up with a line of ants up

your nose.

Yuck!

(Sputtering)

Aw, you’ll have a great time.

Absolutely.

There’s no way what happened to

that guy whose elbow and whistle

they found is going to happen to

us.

Uh, maybe you’re right.

I’m too uptight.

Hi, guys!

Hi, Julie.

Whatcha readin’ there?

It’s a book on first aid.

If any one has a horrible

accident this weekend, and loses

both eyes, send them straight to

me.

How will they find you?

(Grumbling)

Uh...

See you later, guys.

So, camping should be cool.

You know, with the... trees.

So, Pelswick, are you going

to be okay in the woods?

(Growling)

(Screaming)

(Buzzing)

(Fire crackling)

(Screaming)

Help!

(Muffled screaming)

Yeah, I’ll be fine... I

guess.

(Gasping)

Well, if it ain’t Sitting

Bull.

Get it?

’Cause you’re always sitting,

and you’re full of bull.

Hey, Boyd.

Did I miss the announcement?

Is this dress like an extra from

Cliffhanger day?

For your information, while

you geeks are roasting weenies

this weekend, Nick, Joe, and I

are going to become the youngest

people ever to scale Mt.

Komacho.

Are you sure you don’t just

want to be the ugliest?

’Cause then, you know, you could

take your time.

Stay away from our tent this

weekend, Eggert, and you won’t

get--

Cooties?

Hurt.

Those horrible boys.

They’re so mean, and dumb, and

crude.

But I’ve got to say, I find them

strangely attractive.

PELSWICKIt’s the curse of

the nice guys.

The beautiful girls are always

attracted to jerks and

lunkheads.

That’s why, in twenty years,

I’ll look out the window of my

stretch limo and shed a tear in

to a roll of thousand dollar

bills, as I think about what

might have been.

"Pelswick, come back!

I made an awful, life ruining

mistake.

Come back, come back!"

Come back!

You are so weird.

Oh.

(Cat meowing)

(Dog barking)

(Pelswick shouting)

(Crashing)

(School bell ringing)

(Kids chattering)

Pelswick, I’m sorry I called

you weird this morning.

(Gasping)

Life is too short for

apologies, baby.

Why don’t you sit here, and I’ll

take you on a joyride to lip

town.

(Lips smacking)

(Giggling)

Let’s roast some marshmallows

together on the camping trip.

See you then!

This is going to be the best

weekend of my young life.

You know, a soda filled with

sugar is no replacement for a

healthy breakfast cereal filled

with sugar.

What are you doing here?

Guardian angels work every

where, kid.

’Cept under bridges, kind of

like AM radio.

So, I’ve got an idea for this

weekend.

The two of us-- Uh-oh, wait a

second.

One, two...

The two of us get a couple of

paintbrushes, and re-enamel the

toilet.

What do ya say?

Forget it.

I’m goin’ campin’.

Camping?

Why would you want to do that?

Why not?

The woods are the friendliest

place on Earth.

(Buzzing)

PELSWICKBathrooms you can

find with your eyes shut,

affectionate bugs that rush up

to great you as you arrive...

But there’s no TV, no fast

food.

There’s not even a night time

reading light.

Unless, you know, you’ve got one

of these.

What a great book about talking

boogers, and the little hanky

that loved them.

Am I missing some thing?

Is there some reason you don’t

want me to go?

Say, is that a sweaty gym

sock?

Ahem.

Uh... uh... Pelswick.

Would you take this home to your

father?

Thank you.

I-I-I... uh... good bye!

Heya, champ.

How was school?

Great.

I think I’m zeroing in on that

pole-vaulting scholarship.

What are you doin’?

I’m showing your siblings the

folly of gender based

stereotypes by cleaning and

cooking dinner, while nurturing

Bobby and reading Kate a story

about tolerance and equality.

How is it?

I zoned out after the hoppity

bunny donated his excess carrots

to those less hoppity than

himself.

The vice-principal gave me

this for you.

I guess before Saturday I should

find out how many toasted

marshmallows I can fit in my

mouth.

(MUFFLED) , ...

What’s the matter?

Hmm.

"Due to your child’s special

needs, we offer this list of

alternative activities for the

weekend of the eighth grade

camping trip."

(Gulping)

I mean, look at these lame

alternate activities.

"Reading books about owls,

whittling"-- What’s whittling?

"Making tadpoles from string

cheese and raisins!"

Well, nobody treats my son

this way.

Yes they do.

All the time.

I mean from now on.

I do volunteer work for Senator

Flowers.

I’ll get her to take action on

your behalf.

This is my chance to be

proactive, while still

respecting the unique personhood

of my opponents, and remembering

nobody’s wrong.

They’re just differently right.

Don’t hold your breath.

If your father was in charge of

evolution, we wouldn’t even be

fish yet.

I think we have to ask

ourselves what would the hoppity

bunny do?

I hate it when some one makes

my grandson feel bad.

It makes me wanna twist

somethin’ real hard, until it

goes all squishy.

Where’s decency?

Where’s justice?

Argh!

I’m so angry the room’s

spinnin’.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You knew, didn’t you?

Kid, I know a lot of stuff.

I know what cats are starin’ at,

I know why there are steak

knives but no steak forks, I

know how to double my money in

ten days by buying foreclosures.

No wait, that didn’t work.

That’s why I’m doin’ this.

Aw, cheer up.

Things always get worse before

they get better.

Corner pocket!

Why should I cheer up if

things are just going to get

worse?

Good question, but there are

some things that I can’t tell

ya, like if car seats are made

out of leather, how come cows

don’t have that new car smell?

Can I just get some useful

advice do you think, for once?

Okay.

Ahem.

The answers to life’s questions

are often found in our own

backyard.

Unless the question is where do

I dump this truckload of earwax.

What?

This is Mr. Jimmy, loggin’

off.

So I guess I’ll be tracing

owls instead.

No trees, no marshmallows, no

Julie silhouetted at night

against the canvas of her tent.

I thought you wanted to be

with us.

Yeah, of course.

Plus you guys.

Actually, they’re just

worried about you getting hurt.

% of all school age accidents

occur within / mile of your

face.

But I’m the only one in class

who can’t get accidentally

paralyzed.

I know how bummed you are.

When I was little, a bunch of my

friends found this canister of

chocolate ice cream that fell

off a truck, and they ate the

whole thing without even telling

me.

Man.

Then it turned out it was really

expired shoe polish.

But still, I was so upset.

I didn’t visit them the whole

month they were in the hospital,

praying to die.

That’s not exactly how I

feel, but thanks, Goon.

I’ll be bitter and maladjusted

for a while, but hey.

That’ll just make me a better

gym teacher when I grow up.

Actually, I read that before

reaching maximum proficiency,

the average player goes through

$ worth of batteries.

Uh... batteries?

Oh, man.

Thanks a lot, Pelswick!

For what?

Some one called the Barely

Civil Liberties Union, and some

one got an injunction, and

because of some one, our whole

trip’s been cancelled!

(Pelswick screaming)

Dad, you don’t have to

protect me.

Just tell me who you hired so I

can call them off.

I didn’t hire any one, son.

The senator was on a retreat,

learning to avoid answering

direct questions.

But I’m steaming mad.

I’m going over to Senator

Flowers’ office right now to

play Tracy Chapman songs until I

get some answers.

You know who I blame for this

whole thing?

The system?

Trees.

Without trees, you don’t have

critters.

And without critters, no Lyme

disease, no bugs, no gopher

holes to catch your walker in,

and no discrimination against

innocent kids who’ve done

nothing wrong.

I’m just bummed I’ll be

blamed for ruining every one’s

weekend.

Hmm, if there were no trees,

there’d be no problem.

♪ Down with Pelswick

♪ Down with Pelswick

And that’s why you two need

to join in the protest against

him.

I don’t get it.

You’re his sister.

Don’t you, like, love him and

stuff?

Puh-lease.

Like, gag.

You eighth graders leave town

for one measly weekend a year,

allowing us, the younger

siblings, to go in your rooms

and destroy all your stuff.

Thanks to big bro, and his big

mouth, my friends and I don’t

get to do it.

I will never be seven again.

I’ve been robbed!

Whoa.

Well, you can come over and

smash up my room.

Thanks, Ace, but it’s just

not the same.

Hey, Eggert!

Uh, don’t bullies ever use

first names?

I owe you.

You cleared the woods for our

expedition to plant this very

special flag atop Mt. Komacho.

What flag is that, Boyd?

The numbskull and cross bones?

Yeah, well, let’s see how

smart you are when you see this

flying over the town.

(Boyd giggling)

It’ll all blow over, it’ll

all blow over.

Okay, it won’t blow over, then.

I am spokesman for the

downtrodden athlete boy, and

these are the Rampinistas,

who’ve come to your town to

protest a large injustice

perpetrated on a small boy.

(Growling)

(Gasping)

’Scuse me, small boy coming

through.

There’s the lawyer Pelswick

hired so we couldn’t go camping.

My poor little sister spent

her pocket money to rent a tree

grinder to shove my bike in

while I was away.

Some people only think of

themselves.

Can I just say a word?

Till they build a forest

ramp, this boy shall not camp.

Doesn’t any one want to hear

what I have to say about this?

Gentlemen, signori, mein

guten Herren.

I have connections who can help

your foreign government buy this

land real cheap, and ruin it

while no one’s lookin’.

I’m talkin’ resorts, bars, I’m

talkin’ golf courses.

All I want in return is for you

to cut down all these

troublesome, fun ruining trees

before the weekend.

Think you can do that?

(Rustling)

(Screaming)

Hide!

Nel!

Vamooski!

(Insects buzzing)

Ha!

Thanks to Pelswick, we’re the

only ones in town having all

this fun.

(Squirrel chattering)

(Screaming)

What ya got there, boys?

(Panting)

Pelswick.

Bah, what a dork!

What a dorf.

After we plant this bully

flag on top of the mountain, I

can point to it every time I

taunt and humiliate him.

No one likes Pelswick enough to

pull it down, and he sure can’t

come get it himself.

Maybe he can’t, but Grambo

can.

We want justice!

We wanna camp!

We want justice!

We wanna camp!

Get your food.

Yessir, what’ll it be?

A Pelswick the hero burger, or a

Pelswick dirty dog, with outside

agitator mustard?

Pelswick’s a creep.

No, he isn’t.

He’s a knucklehead.

Creep!

Knucklehead!

This has gone far enough.

(Grunting)

Ooh, close one.

(Screaming)

You all know me.

I’m the small, non-inflatable

Pelswick.

Can any one tell me how this got

so out of hand?

You hired lawyers, and made a

balloon, and sold hotdogs.

Save one of those for me, by the

way.

But no one ever asked me if I

wanted to go camping.

Don’t you?

No, not really.

(Gasping)

What?

I mean, the woods.

Big deal.

Bugs and dirt.

I can get both of those in the

milkshakes at Burger Barrel.

Okay, I was bummed I couldn’t

spend the weekend with my pals,

but I never wanted them not to

go.

I just came from protesting

outside Senator Flowers’ office.

She was unable to help, but she

did offer to pay for guitar

lessons.

Unable to help?

Then who invited all these

people?

I did.

I couldn’t stand the thought of

you being hurt and alone all

weekend.

Your little body, wracked with

sobs.

I’m not that little.

It’s the chair.

Once it got started, I

couldn’t stop it.

You cared enough about me to

make me totally miserable?

Sorry, Pelswick, but the

school’s insurance doesn’t cover

us outside city limits.

If there was any way I could

help you be with your friends, I

would.

Hmm.

The answers to life’s

questions are often found in

our own backyard.

Hey, why’s my voice all echo-y?

It’s a flashback.

I’m glad to hear you say that,

vice-principal Zeigler.

Tell me, how big is the backyard

of your new house, hmm?

My backyard?

Well... well... uh...

(Giggling)

(Kids chattering)

♪

Actually, % of adolescent

females, in awkward social

situations, tend to walk away

rather than--

Hello?

Isn’t the moon beautiful

tonight?

(Gasping)

It’s been hours of sheer

misery, but this makes it worth

it.

I claim this peak in the name

of bullies every where.

Who-who-who are you?

I’m your worst nightmare.

(Shouting)

(Boyd screaming)

Try holding it more like

this.

(Buzzing)

Glad the advice worked out,

but I got to talk to ya.

It’s about your room.

Go away.

♪

♪