01x13 - The Legend of Pumpkin Guts

[bunniefuu]

[GHOSTLY VOCALIZING]

[RAP b*at PLAYING]

[HARD ROCK PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

[BATS SQUEAKING]

Ah, good evening.

Which is really
morning for me.

It's confusing, I know.

The following is based upon
the very true events

of one terrible night.

Which, again,
is our morning.

A story of darkness
and despair, horror
and depravity,

and candy.

So much candy.

Yo, Drac. You ready
for needlepoint class
or what?

Oh, come on, Frank.

I was sounding
so cool and spooky!

Right! Sorry, sorry.

And now, the despicable tale
of Pumpkin Guts.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Seriously,
who are you talking to?

Forget it!

That's it!
Start the show already!

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[GROWLING]

[ROARING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Even on this most terrible
night of nights,

we shall maintain
proper decorum.

[SCREAMING STOPS]

All panic is to be performed
in an orderly fashion!

[SILENCE]

DRACULA:
My dearest Mavis,

just checking in
and stuff to, you know,

remind you
to stay inside on this,

the most dangerous night
of the year!

You wouldn't want
to be cooked and eaten
by a human.

So you must never go out!

Ever!

Ever!

Did I say ever?

Three times.
Good.

Now stay in your room,
hunker down,

and cling to the hope
that daybreak will come.

Love you.

[GROANING]
I love you, Dad,

but sometimes you take this
lockdown a bit too far.

[STRUGGLING]

Case in point.

Young lady, you know
you are to remain
in your room.

Absolutely no monsters
are allowed out on this...

BOTH: The most
dangerous night of the year.

Yeah, yeah.

Madam Lydia,
the fruit is still...

[SNIFFING]
Disgustingly fresh.

We will have no zombie
provisions

for the coming Hallow...

We do not say
the H word.

I'm not 45, you know.

You can at least say
Halloween around me.

[SCREAMING]

[SIGHING] Now look
what you've done.

You know very well
what happens
when you say that.

Of course I know.
I'm only reminded every year!

But what could possibly
be so scary

that we go on lock down
'til sunrise?

Please, Aunt Lydia!

Child, some things
are better left unknown.

Like this thing
on Quasimodo's nose.

Is it a pus sac,
a blister bubble,

a pregnant bed bug?
Who knows?

Life is full of mysteries.

[GROWLING]
Not anymore it's not.

This is the year
I discover the truth!

[SPLASHING]

Ugh! [SPITTING]

Ugh! Not what I meant,
ew, ew, ew, ew!

Saperlipopette!

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Thank you all for coming.

Ah, we're trapped
in a boarded up fortress.

Where are we going to go?

Plus you lied and said
there would be snacks.

Obviously it's
for something important.

More important than snacks?

Hal-lo-ween.

[SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]
[WHIMPERING]

Tonight we break free

and learn the real story
behind Halloween.

But we already know
the story.

Monsters cower
under the sheets

while humans
do horrifying things.

All right, so just to be
totally clear...

There are, like, no snacks?

Aren't you guys tired
of being locked down

without being told why?

Yeah.
Yes.

Not at all.

We've been kept in the dark
long enough.

Are we going to
take it anymore?

No.
No!

Absolutely!

MAVIS: I've spent
the last six Halloweens
plotting our escape.

In exactly four minutes

Aunt Lydia will finish
sealing off the hotel.

Of course, there's
still the matter
of getting out unseen.

Right. And you've tried,
like, a million ways
out before.

Yep. But we forgot
about a million and one.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[FLUSHING]

Oh, no. No, no,
no, no, no.

[ALL SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

Oh, no! We're not
going to make it!

Oh, I am!

[ALL CHEERING]

[SCREAMING]

[THUDDING]

Huh?

Good thing
I always carry a spare.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Ring-ring! C'mon,
answer me already.
[PHONE RINGING]

The Vampire Council's
emergency-only phone.

So either the prophecy
has come true or...

It is my annoying brother.

[CONTINUES RINGING]
Ring! Ring!

Lydia!
[SIGHING]

Let me guess.

You want me to check on
your "little Mavy Wavy."

No, I want you
to check on my little...

Okay, I see what
you did there.

Now go check on her!

Yes, yes, I can assure you
that she has been tucked away

in her room.

You see...

[SHUSHING]

Mavis!

Mavis?
...is fast asleep so we should
tip-toe out of here.

Don't want to wake
little Wavy Mavy.

It's Mavy Wav...

Okay, buh-bye.

[GROWLING]

And now to find
that little brat of a bat!

[LAUGHING]

Uh, Mavis, why are we creeping
towards the human house?

Every year we're told
horror stories

about what the humans
are up to on Halloween.

But what do
we really know?

WENDY: Nothing!

Are they having a party?

MAVIS: Holy rabies!
Those monsters are walking
right up to her door!

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Oh, she's going
to liquefy their organs

and make
a monster smoothie!

At least she's being
health conscious.

Trick or treat!
Happy Halloween!

[STAMMERS]
Did you see that?

I saw it,
but I don't believe it.

I thought humans devour
monsters on Halloween.

Me too.

[ALL GASPING]

So they're humans
pretending to be monsters?

But why?

Mavis, no!
What're you doing?

Was nice knowing ya!

Now, what did
those kids say?
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh... Stick of meat!

You!
[SCREAMING]

...are the most darling
little vampire.

Such disgusting creatures.

Happy Halloween!

Oh, and here,
take a free copy
of my bestseller,

Monsters are
Not Your Friends.

ALL: Candy.

Halloween isn't to be feared.

It's the greatest night
of the year!

[ALL CHEERING]

Mavis has escaped.

We shall hunt her down

and return her here
before breakfast.

Whether she is breakfast
or not remains to be seen.

Ready?

Yes!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CRASHING]
Whoopsie-doodle!

Okay, here we go!

[ALL MUNCHING]

Wow. So Halloween
isn't about death
and destruction after all?

It's about humans
faking being monsters

and giving each other
candy. [MUNCHING]

Why would they
keep that from us?

Because they are old, mean,
candy-hating hogs.

Hmmm... But, if
we're already monsters...

Then we can
blend right in!

We look like human kids
in costumes.

We can roam around
and be free!

ALL: Oh!

[ALL CHEERING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHOOPING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CRASHING]

[LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

[LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

Alerts are going off
like never before, sir.

It can only mean one thing.

Two-for-one
rotten fish tacos
in the cafeteria?

COUNCIL BAT:
That's the green light.
Orange is...

Monster kids are out
trick-or-treating!

And then you know
who will appear...

[MUFFLED SPEAKING]
Please, sir. Don't say it.

Look how close that is
to the Hotel.

To my Mavis!

I must deal
with this myself.
What?

But sir, you are
the Grand Vamp!

You cannot leave the council
for the entirety of your term!

Under any circumstance!

Oh, ha, you're right.
Of course.

Hey, what's that over there?

Oh, do you mean
the painting?

It's called
Humans Playing Poker.

I don't get it either.

Sir? Are you okay?

Bleh, bleh, bleh.

Yep. [LAUGHING]
That's you all right.

[ALL MUNCHING]

Mmm, so good.

Shh, can't talk. Eating.

[GULPING]

I cannot believe we've been
lied to all these years!

Halloween is amazing!

Look at us, we're out
in the human world
with real humans

and we don't
have to hide at all!

[GULPING] Plus, candy.

What he said. [MUNCHING]

You know, I have always found
humans to be disgusting,

smelly creatures,
but I got to say,

their candy
is next level stuff.

Watch this!

[MUNCHING]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

[LAUGHING]

BOTH: Awesome.
[LAUGHING]

Ugh. The human village!

This humidity is terrible
for my hair!

Now to find those
trick-or-treating monsters

before it's too late!

But who is real
and who is a fake?

[ALL MUNCHING]

What? [GRUNTS]

No, it can't be!

So, do you think
maybe we should
get back to the hotel?

[GULPING] I mean,
what if we're discovered?

Look around, Wendy,
we can't get caught.

We look just like
everybody else.

Ha! Look at that guy.

He looks just like
Uncle Drac.

Mavis.

[GULPING] Dad?

Okay.

We're just going to go
over here and do stuff
that's not this.

Hi! Hi,
it's so great to see...

What are you doing?

There is literally
only one rule on Halloween...

Do not go out!

Don't you know
how dangerous it is?

Well, then how come
you're out?

You're the Grand Vamp.

I thought you're never
allowed to leave.

Oh, I'm only out

to save the disobedient
trick-or-treating monsters.

Who I now know is you!
What if you were caught?

Dad, how are we
going to get caught

when every monster is forcing
their kids on lockdown

and into hiding?

Not every monster.

UNCLE GENE:
If we get pulled over,

you don't know anything
about the dinosaur eggs
in the trunk.

What dinosaur eggs
in the trunk?

Exactly!

Kids, this is
a critical moment
in your little monster lives.

In afterlife
we must make sacrifices.

So, who is it going to be?

Huh?

You two. Perfect.

Yeah, that did not work out
the way it was supposed to.

You'll be remembered
as heroes.

[GRUNTS] Bad luck, kids!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Feel the wind in your...
Oof!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Over here, Frank!

[HONKING]

Hi, honey!

I called your parents, Hankie.
This is no place for a kid!

Thanks, Drac!
[SCREAMING AND GRUNTING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
Would you believe we were
abducted by aliens?

Aliens, yeah, tiny little
blue guys. White hats.

All with the same last name.

[GROWLING]

Phew, that was close.

But we must still hide.
Danger lurks.

Dad, please!
What is so scary
about Halloween?

'Cause so far
it's been amazing!
What's the big deal?

Pumpkin Guts.

Pumpkin Guts?

Shh. I'm about to get
all nostalgic
and flashback-y.

The legend of Pumpkin Guts,

the ancient beast
who lays waste
to any monster

that dares to participate

in the human ritual
of trick-or-treating.

But then one little monster

got curious and disobeyed
the rules!

And now he's risen again
thanks to my own daughter!

So, what does it look like?

Pumpkins. All the pumpkins
come to life. I can't even.

Hold up. So you're saying
pumpkins come to life?

[LAUGHING]

Who in the underworld is going
to be afraid of a pumpkin?

[BOTH GASPING]

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]
I take it back!

[ROARING]

DRACULA:
Stay close, Mavis!

[BOTH PANTING]

Whoa, I'm sorry, Dad.
I never should have snuck out.

What was I thinking?
You were right!

You were so right!

There, there, honey guts.

Yes!
I'd better get back home.

And you should get back
to the council
before they know you're gone.

[SIGHING] I wish I could.
But I can't.

I have unfinished business.
Pumpkin business.

What? No, Dad!

I must. After all,
this is kind of, sort of,
maybe my fault.

Your fault?
I thought it was mine.

Well... I might've left out
one tiny detail in the story.

MAVIS:
You were the monster
who disobeyed the rules?

But what does
Pumpkin Guts want?

[SCREAMING]
[MUNCHING]

DRACULA: A world where
every monster is like him,

with a pumpkin face!

Ever since, he's turned
each trick-or-treating monster

into a jack-o'-lantern victim.

Then, the humans
thought it looked
all spooky and stuff

and kind of ran with it.

[GULPING] That is terrible.

I understand
your curiosity, Mavis.

I was curious once too.

But I must face him now.

Not alone you won't.

Oh, how I wish I could
cover you head-to-toe
in bubble wrap

and keep you in a pocket.

Dad, I helped
bring him into
this underworld,

and I'm going to help
send him back out.

Oh! My brave little bat!

Okay, we'll do it together.

We must stop him
before he gets there.

Holy rabies!
The Hotel!

[ROARING]

They'll all be turned into
jack-o'-lanterns!

[GASPING] Wait, does this
mean I get to put on
a battle cloak?

Oh, you kids
and the wardrobe changes.

Does it?

Yes.

Boom drac-alacka!

Let's fly.

You two may think you know
the meaning of suffering,

but I assure you,

if you are wrong, you will
suffer the fate known as

the human bubble bath!

[GASPING] I've heard the water
isn't even scalding!

And the bubbles,
they smell like
peaches and kumquats!

Who would invent
such t*rture?

Oh, hi, Mavis!

Is that...

That way!
[TIRES SCREECHING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

DRACULA: Hey, over here!

[ROARING]

MAVIS: Yikes!

[ROARING]

MAVIS: [GROANS] I'm hit!

Whoa!

[GRUNTS]

Mavis!

[SOBBING] I knew it was
too dangerous!

Dad... Dad! Look out!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

What now?
Um...

Ah-ha!

[GRUNTING]

Look, look!
He wants the candy!

Okay, Mavy,
give it all you got!

Uh, that was
all I've got.

I mean it was
pretty delicious.
[ROARING]

[GASPING] Wait!
Of course!

I know where we can get
some more candy!

[SKULLS LAUGHING]

Come on, this way!

[ROARING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

There! Is that
Mavis and Dracula?

[GASPS] Imagine catching
both my brother and Mavis out

on a mandatory lock down!

[GASPS] It's too bad
to be true!

We've got to help Mavis.

Don't worry, I have
a plan so stupid,
it can't possibly work!

Shh. You had me
at stupid!

[BOTH LAUGHING]
What's happening?

[LAUGHING] Yeah!
Yeah!

[WENDY AND PEDRO CHEERING]

Stick of meat!
Stick of meat!

[ROARING]

I'm sorry, Mavis.

I never meant for you
to be turned into a pumpkin.

It's okay, Dad.

No, I failed!
Fire, potions, cooties!

Monsters have tried everything
for thousands of years.

The problem is

you've been using
the wrong kind of monster.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Trick-or-treating
is over, hon.

You and your Dad
better skedaddle.

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]
The monster apocalypse!

Kitty's got some
carving to do.

Who's that?
You'll see...

Who wants pumpkin pie?

[GRUNTING]

[WOLF HOWLING]

Are you sure you have to go?

That was actually
kind of fun.

[GRUNTS]
Fun?

[STAMMERS] You know,
not the rule breaking
near death

thanks to a mythical creature
I conjured part,

but the working
together part.

It, uh, it was kind of fun.

But I must go.

I have much to do
at the council

and I'm not sure
how much longer Pete
can keep up the charade.

Bleh, bleh, bleh.

You said it, Drac!

I love you, Mavy,
and I always will.

I know, Dad.
I love you too.

Now, remember,
and this is important,

get back to your room
before Lydia finds you!

Yes, sir!

[WENDY GIGGLING]

[GASPS]

AUNT LYDIA: Mavis?

Now I've got you!

Diane!

Open the gate!

[CLUCKING]

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTING]

Whoa!

S'cuse me, s'cuse me!
Coming through,
coming through!

AUNT LYDIA:
Move or die! Move or die!

Ah-ha!

Oh, Aunt Lydia.
I didn't hear you come in.

[SPUTTERING]
But...

Sorry, I've been
in the shower?

For 10 hours?

[GASPS] Has it been
that long? Huh.

So, you've been here
all this time?

Uh-huh.

Is the terrible night
we must never
speak of ever over yet?

I think perhaps
I should lie down.

It's been a long night.

Good idea.

Well, I may have been
almost k*lled
by a centuries old beast

that I was kind of
responsible for,

but I also learned
the true meaning
of Halloween...

Candy.

Ew, gross. Yellow?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]