01x02 - Parrot Island

[bunniefuu]

It's all my fault London left.

No, it's not.

She hated a lot of things on this boat besides you.

That came out wrong.

Here, Bailey, this'll cheer you up.

I ordered it just for you.

It's a seaweed smoothie with a broccoli boost.

We wanted a cheer
-up, not throw
-up.


- Ugh!
- Ow! Would you pace to your right? This is my right.

And if you meant your right, you should have said your right, and I would have done it right, all right? ( Cell phone rings ) Finally.

Yes, captain? I know you are very busy with something extremely important
-
- oh, really? Miniature golf.

Would you stop it? Really? You two
-putted the clown hole? Oh, big deal.

Everyone knows you bank it off the big shoe.

Tell him we need to stop at parrot island.

Captain lunsford, you need to turn this ship around.

We're missing a student.

Well, here's why you should care.

That student is London tipton.

( Horn honks ) ( Laughing ) Told you my smoothie would cheer her up.


- ( Pop music playing )
- oh
-ay
-oh! oh
-ay
-oh! come along with me let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows we say hey, ho, let's go!
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- this boat's rockin'
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- this boat's rockin'
- oh
-ay
-oh!
- rockin' the whole world 'round and we're living the suite life now hey, ho! Oh
-ay
-oh! Lets go! People, people, people, please.

Don't think of this as an inconvenient delay.

Think of it as a bonus stop on an island paradise, and it won't cost you anything.

No! I packed for Europe, not for the beach.

We have the largest shopping mall afloat.

You can buy something.

No! I'll just swim in my birthday suit.

Something tells me that birthday suit needs ironing.

Quiggins, jablonsky.

Okay, the whole class is here, except for Zack Martin.

Get used to that.


- Here!
- Oh! Sorry.

I overslept.

We were in biology class.

Exactly.

Anyway, this unscheduled stop to look for London on this tropical island presents us with a unique educational opportunity.

We're gonna learn how to surf.

Yeah, cowabunga! Hang 11! It's hang ten.

Not when you got You got six toes on one foot?
- Nope, eight and three.


- ( All groaning ) I meant an opportunity to study the history of the island.


- Now parrot island was colonized
-
-
- by the British.

At the tail end of the age of exploration.

Well, to be more precise
-
- around lunch.

Thank you.

Well, let's take a look at this beautiful lush paradise.

Whoa, I got more green between my seventh and eighth toe! Now the reason this island is a popular tourist destination
-
-
- ( wind blowing )
- ( Dog barking ) Or was Is because of the rare parrot species poicephalus insulis
-
- which was not indigenous to these islands.

It was introduced to this habitat by explorers on their way back from the new world.

Cody, Bailey, you're teaching my class
- Again.


- Sorry, ma'am.

My point is that this parrot is best known for its beautiful plumage and unique mating call.

Ha! b*at you.

She left out, "eats guava seeds.

" Sorry.

Now that we're ashore, we operate on the buddy system.

So choose your partner.

Zack, Cody: Come on, buddy!
- I call dibs.


- No, I saw her first.

Guys, I'm not the last slice of pizza.

Of course you're not.

Excuse us.


- What are you doing?
- Why are you hitting on Bailey? You have a girlfriend.

Barbara.

I remember her name.

Look, before we left, I told her it might be hard for me to resist the advances of beautiful exotic women from around the world.

What did she say? She laughed.

But I took it as a "go for it.

" Hey, Mr.

moseby, wanna be my buddy? We're searching for the poicephalus insulis.

Mr.

moseby's busy.

Yes, I only have three hours to find the londonis
- pain
-in
-the
-butticus.

So we can all keep our jobicus.

( Hisses )
- Excuse me, mister
-
-
- pie.


- Mr.

pie.


- No, my name is Simms.

I'm selling pie.

Well, I'm not buying.

Oh, dear, aren't we a bit cranky today? You know what might help with that? Pie! I'm looking for a young lady.

Aren't we all? Sorry, I can't help you there.

Do you know where I can find the local police? Absolutely.


- ( Blows whistle )
- Oh! Constable Simms at your service.

I am looking for London tipton.


- I'll call you a cab.


- Oh, thank you.

( Blows whistle ) Taxi!
- Fancy a ride, gov'nor?
- Aren't you
-
-
- in you go, come on, get in.


- Oh, my word, this is
-
- my leg, my leg, help with the leg.

Don't get fresh.

( Shouts ) Oh, good, okay, here we go.

Well, don't speed or you'll have to pull yourself over.

You let me do all the worrying, sir.

Just sit back and enjoy what used to be the lovely scenery.

Right over there
-
- oh, here we are, sir.

That'll be $10.

Tip not included.

Wow, you are just an incredible artist.

I was just trying to get my pen to work.

Smooth.

Didn't you say you had to go to the bathroom? Look, I'm not leaving you alone with Bailey.

Besides, the bathroom is only half a coconut.

Actually, it's more comfortable than it looks.

And those two
-ply palm leaves, surprisingly soft.


- ( Snorting )
- Oh, look! Where did that little piggy come from? That's what the doctor said when he saw my extra toe.

Are you stuck? Here, I have something for you.

You like nuts? Oh, this rope will work as a leash.

He's so sweet.

He reminds me of my
-
-
- breakfast?
- Football? Y'all hush up.

He reminds me of my pet pig from back on the farm.

Sir snort
-a
-lot and I were best friends.

Then one day I woke up and he wasn't there anymore.

I got really worried, but mama told me he moved to the big city.

( Whistles ) I'm gonna call you "porkers.

" Do you like that name? Mr.

moseby is not back with London yet, and the boat leaves in an hour.

I'm gonna go find them.

Since it's partly my fault London left, I'll go look too.


- Me too.


- So will I.

Great.

Then we'll use the buddy system.

You guys go that way.

I'll go this way with Woody.

She digs the woodman.

Yeah, I'm sure that extra toe is a real chick magnet.

( Harmonica playing ) ( Sighs )
- Excuse me, constable Simms.


- Moseby: London!
- Moseby!
- Open this door immediately.


- My pleasure.


- Thank goodness you're here to get me out.

Or not.

What possible reason do you have for imprisoning us? Miss tipton is the daughter of the man who cut down all our trees, which caused all of our parrots to flee to seal island, which is now seal and parrot island.

And the parrots leaving has devastated our tourist trade.

But what did I do? You are obviously high up
- in the tipton organization.


- Oh, no.

No, on the contrary, I am low.

I am very very low.

I'm merely a faceless cog in a giant machine.

I'm so low I have to wear a name tag so people know who I am, see? Daddy knows you.

He loves you.


- In fact
-
-
- ( Squeals ) Neither one of you is getting out of here until reparations are made.

I get it.

Mm
-hmm.

How much?
- $10 million.


- Okay.

All I have here is a paper clip and a Mr.

freezey cone club card.

Ooh, it has eight stamps.

Ooh, yummy! London, write the man a check.

No way.

Now I demand to see a judge.

Of course you do.

I know how to handle these people.

The right honorable justice Simms at your service.

He looks just like the other guy.

He is the other guy! ( Gasps ) You're right.

He's good.

London, have you called your father? I tried, but he's on the tipton space station, and my new cell phone plan doesn't include the moon.

But the captain told me I have to have you back in three hours.

If not, we'll be stuck here for who knows how long? London.

( Sniffs ) Do I smell coconut cream pie? The best on the island.

Just $3 a slice.


- There's a dead fly on that.


- $2 a slice.

Excuse me.

We're looking for our friend London tipton.

Ah, yes, right this way.

Taxi! Fancy a ride, gov'nor? Why are you wearing a cowboy hat? Welcome to the hoosegow.

Wow, you're worse rescuers than moseby.

Why are you locking us up? You can't arrest them for just knowing London.

It's a good point.

Aha! Miss, I don't suppose you have a pig license.


- ( All groan )
- As a matter of fact, I do.

All: Oh! Here you go.

So you do.

Unh
-unh
-unh.

I have something.

This pig license is only valid in Kansas.


- But wait.


- Tell it to the judge! Oh, wait.

You just did.

Is there anything on this island you don't do? I don't own the hat shop.

Pity.

That guy makes a k*lling.

Wait.

I have an idea.

Here, porkers.

( Panting ) Oh, hey, any sign of moseby or London? No, I checked the docks, hiked up the Mountain and ran the whole perimeter of the island.

Well, they're not in the candy store.

If I had the energy, I would smack you so hard.

( Squealing ) Quiet, pig, we're trying to find Mr.

moseby and London over here.

Wait a minute.

He was with Bailey.

I think he's trying to tell us something.

Nah, he just wants my cotton candy.

Get your own, pig.

What's that? London, moseby, Bailey and Woody are all locked in jail and we need to rescue them? Whoa, you speak pig? No, I can read English.

There's a note taped to him.

( Ship's horn honks ) Dude, the boat leaves in 30 minutes.

We'd better hurry.

Come on, pig, take us to Bailey.

All right.

Hey! None of this would have happened if you hadn't wanted me to room with little miss cow cake.

It's cow pie, and now instead of roommates, we're cellmates.

Does that make you happy, little miss covered in diamonds? Is that an insult? Because that sounds pretty good to me.


- Lift me up.


- Why don't you lift me up? Because I was born first.

What does that have to do with anything? Just get up here.

I knew my pig
-gram would work.

It's how they delivered mail in kettlecorn until 1995.

Let me guess.

Your phone is two cans and a string.

Mr.

moseby, how did you get up here? I'm standing on Woody.

You could've taken your shoes off.

How did you guys all wind up in there? It's a long story.

Can we save the chitchat for later? Yeah, I'm with Cody on that.

Look, you have to break us out of here.

Did you bring the proper tools? No, unfortunately, the prison breakout store was closed.

Improvise, people.

I haven't changed my outfit in four hours! Mr.

moseby, if you're just kind of watching at this point, do you think you could get off my back? You know, these bars seem a little bit loose.

I may be able to get in if only I had a
-
-
- Simms: Crowbar?
- Exactly, thanks.

You're quite welcome.

What part of "rescuering" don't you understand? All of it.

It's either rescuer or rescuing.

Well, you're not good at either
-er.

Zack, whenever I pictured us in prison, I was always on the other side of the bars saying, "take the plea.

" ( Ship's horn honks ) ( Groaning ) The ship leaves in 10 minutes.

Constable Simms.

Constable Simms! I am trying to teach a pilates class.

Oh.

Work from your core, gertrude.

Feel the burn! Simms, if you let us out of here now, I will arrange for tipton industries to make full reparations for scaring off the parrots and cutting down the trees.

That's what your father did? That's terrible.

I know how bad I'd feel if someone came to kettlecorn, took all of our corn and left us with just the kettle.

No wonder you put us in jail.

Not now, Bailey.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish pilates, perform a root canal and conduct the orchestra for our little theater production of "where oh where have our parrots gone?" That's it.


- We're all going to die in here.


- Oh, no.


- I'll comfort you.


- I'll comfort her first.

Cody: Look, we've gotta work this Bailey thing out in a mature and rational way.

I couldn't agree more.

Spitting contest.


- ( Spitting )
- No, no, wait.

Are you really going to decide who ends up with Bailey by a spitting contest? You know what? He's right.

Pick a number between one and 10.

I am not going to participate in your objectification of women.


- Seven.


- How did you know? Okay, never mind.

Bailey's not looking for a relationship anyway.

Still hasn't gotten over her ex
-boyfriend moose.

How do you know this? When you're in the slammer, you get to know somebody.

She told me how they shared their first cob of corn together, their first hayride.

( Sobbing ) They were so good together.

She's all yours, dude.

Really? Why? She's checking way too much baggage.

And I like a babe with just a carry
-on.

Unlike you, I'm willing to do the work.

Porkers! We're saved! Why, does he have a law degree? No, but he can get the keys.

Wait, go to his desk.

Open the drawer, get the master keys and bring them here to me.

And bring me a decaf non
-fat latte with extra foam.

Bailey, you can't possibly believe this animal understands you.

The keys are in the drawer on the left.


- ( Pig snorts )
- ( Drawer opens ) Not that drawer.

The one on the left.

Not your left, my left.

What about my latte? ( Steam hissing ) Forget the coffee! Bring the keys.

Nice throw.

Quick, we only got five minutes.


- Don't have much time.


- Go!
- ( Horn honks )
- Okay, we have five minutes.

If we run, we can just make it.

Sorry, I gotta stop and use the coconut.

My latte! Hurry, we're almost to the ship! Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait.

Look at these postcards.

You can send postcards from the next port.

No, I mean look at how lush and beautiful this island used to be.

And now it's a dump, so let's get out of here.

It's a dump because your father ruined it.

And he should fix it.

She's right.

It's that kind of corporate greed that's destroying the environment.

Wow.

This place really did used to be beautiful.

Yes, and we can all be sad about it on the boat.

And now that it's not beautiful, daddy doesn't care anymore.

Kind of like with his first four wives.

London, if you paid to replant the island, maybe the parrots would come back.

And the islanders would be so grateful, they might put your picture on their coins.

Do you really think so? Then I could flip myself to decide what shoes to wear.

( Blows whistle ) Halt! You're surrounded.

By just you? Pretty much.

How about I help you replant the trees by writing you a check for $10 million? That would work.

And feel free to use some of it to buy yourself new pants.

Bye
-bye.

Bon voyage.

Stay away from the kitchen.

London, we were worried sick about you.

You're grounded! Technically, you can only give detention.

I can ground.

You're grounded! And so is your helicopter pilot.

Fine.

I won't use my helicopter.

Or your private submarine.

Take it back down, boys.

( Sighs ) I guess I'm stuck here.

I know.

I know.

With me as your roommate.

Yeah, that is depressing, but you did get us out of that jail cell.

So does that mean we're okay? Sure.

Maybe sharing a room won't be so bad.

I'll be the big sister you've never had.

Actually, I have six big sisters and three little ones.

Wow, your mom needs a hobby.

Come on, little sis.

Let's go down to the mall deck and buy a whole new wardrobe.

For me? London, you don't have to buy me a whole new wardrobe.

I was talking about me.

Then why do you want me to go along? Somebody has to tell me how great I look.

Come on.

Oh, look at this.

They started replanting the trees on parrot island.

Not only that, but some of the parrots have started to return.

That's wonderful.

Look at this.

There's a lovely shaded area where some pigs are resting.

See that? ( Snorts ) Really? Is that your mother? You have her snout.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Bacon breath?