01x10 - Boo You

[bunniefuu]

( Crowd chanting ) Zack, Zack, Zack Zack, Zack, Zack! Now performing a backwards body
-dunking, grab
-a
-fish bungee jump Zack Martin!
- All: Woo!
- Look.

I
-
- I can't let you do this Even though I would love to inherit your single cabin.

Cody, please.

If Houdini's brother didn't let him do stunts, where would he be? Alive.

Bad example.

Now stand back.

I'm about to make history.

Boy! This is dangerous and stupid.

What are you thinking? I'll take this one.

Nothing.

I'm not letting you do this, Zack.

Kirby, Kirby, please.

If Houdini's security guard didn't let him do stunts, where would he be? Alive.

I need a new hypothetical.

Get off of that.

Fine.


- Man, this is stuck.


- ( Kirby muttering ) On duty, I'm a large man trying to climb on a little table and unhook a bungee.


- Let me help you.


- No, I don't need your help.

( Screaming ) ( Splashes ) Ooh! Kirby, are you okay? I hate Sushi.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Ah
-ah
-ah
-ah! You can't go in there.

Why not? This is my cabin.

Not at the moment.

Right now it's a production studio.


- Show business.


- What? London's doing a webisode of "yay me! Starring London tipton!" So you can't go in.

But I have to get in there to do "tomorrow's homework, by Bailey pickett!" Now out of my way.

Ow ow ow.

That's right, London lovers.

Believe it or not, someone actually wears this In public.

( Laughs )
- London?
- ( Gasps ) Hey, audience.

We have a surprise guest.

It's Bailey
- Pickett.


- Pick what? Do I have a boog hanging? London.

What are you doing with my skirt? Oh, it's a new segment on "yay me!" Called "outfit or tablecloth?" Wave to the world.

Will you stern it? London, my granny made this skirt for me.

Aww! So tell us, why does grammy hate you? She does not hate me.

She loves me.

In fact, she calls me her piggly wiggly, and then we snort together.

( Snorting ) That thing isn't still on, is it? Yep, and that snort was almost as funny as our earlier segment
-
- "parachute or Bailey's underpants? "
- My what? London
-
-
- I'm sorry.

We're out of time.

But you can watch those embarrassing clips over and over and over and over again londontipton.

Com and clear.

London, I have a problem with this show.

I know, my hair and makeup person stinks.

Hey, I did my best.

I meant I would prefer you not mock my wardrobe to the world or lock me out of the room
- when I need to get
-
-
- an autograph? All right.

You just signed my math book.

And now it's worth something.

Sorry, boys.

This is senior bingo.

Nobody under We're not here to play bingo, Kirby.

We're here because, you know, I felt bad about the bungee thing, and I wanted to make it up to you.

You brought me a sandwich? Uh, no.

Anyway, we were checking the job listing board, which I do every hour on the hour, since I hate being towel boy
-
- thank you, Zack.

You're welcome.

And we noticed an opening for executive security guard.

And we thought you would be perfect for it.

Oh, thanks, boys, but I'm happy with my job.


- Never a dull moment.


- ( Crunches ) ( Groans ) See? Danger around every corner.

Look, this is a great opportunity for you, Kirby.

I know, but the extra cash would bump me into a higher tax bracket, and I don't think my accountant would recommend it.

I'm your accountant
- And I recommend it.


- The truth is I don't meet the job requirements.


- I never finished high school.


- Really? Yeah, I had to leave early to help support my family.

Lucky.

Kirby, it's never too late to get your diploma.

You could take the g.

E.

D.

Test.

Yeah, but it's been years since I studied that stuff.

How am I supposed to catch up? Are you doing okay, Kirby? As soon as I can feel my legs, I'll let you know.

Well, good morning, every
-
- whoa.

( Chuckles ) Uh, nice to see you, Kirby.

If you're here to arrest Zack, could you do it during lunch? Actually, I'm clean.

Kirby is your new student.

Just for a few refresher classes until he can pass his high school equivalency test.


- Well, I guess
-
-
- I brought you an apple.

Oh, how nice.

You can come to my class anytime you want.

It's here in my lunch bag.

Could you hold that? And hold my chips.

I know it's in here somewhere.

You have two foot
-long sandwiches? Actually, they're 11 inches.

I'm trying to cut down.

There you go.

Aha, here it is.

Thank you for making the trip, Kirby.

And maybe your kindness will rub off on the rest of the class.

Hey, I brought you a chocolate cupcake just last week.

No, you snuck in a chocolate cupcake, and I confiscated it.

You still ate it.

Well, it was delicious.

Thank you.

I'm known for my frosting.

Hey, Bailey.

You mind if I join you? ( Giggles ) Sure, holden.

What Bailey doesn't know is we switched out her bland tuna fish sandwich with a howlin' hot habaero hoagie.

( Giggles ) So, beautiful day today, huh? Uhm, hot.

Well, I guess it is a little warm.

Hot hot.

Oh, thanks.

I guess the body mist is working.

( Spits, grunting ) See? Howling hot! Water water.

Empty.

Empty! Boo you! You've just been boo
-youed.

It's the newest segment on "yay me!" Wave to the world.

Viewers, you asked for more wacky hayseed Bailey and now you got it.

So Bailey, how was your hoagie? Howwible.

Wondon, I am vewy angwy about thith.

I have no idea what you're saying, and you're in my sh*t.

And now for our next segment: Beauty tips with London tipton.

You might wanna stay here for this.

All right, Kirby, I broke out a few of my flash cards to help you study.

My math may be rusty, but I think that's more than a few.

Oh, all of this information is going to be on the test And more.

You're going to need to learn it all.

No, he won't.

He just needs to pass, which means a third of this is a waste of time.

( Gasps ) You just knocked the age of enlightenment all over the floor.

And half of this is common knowledge.

Cody: Ow.

You just hit me with the industrial revolution.

Plus the test is multiple choice, so just by guessing
- you'll get a bunch right.


- Cody: Ow.

The middle ages are no less painful.

This is pretty much all you'll need.

"If found, return to Cody Martin.

"
- Here you go.


- Oh, thank you.

Look, I'm sure Kirby wants to do more than just pass.

Yeah, I kinda wanna get an "a.

" You know, so my mama can put it on the fridge.

Would you forget the cards? Without the cards, how is Kirby supposed to remember crucial facts, like "when Columbus discovered America"? Easy
-
- football.

Come again? The answer is 1492.

I just think of the quarterback Brian greasy, who attended Christopher Columbus high school, wears 14 and has 92 career interceptions.

Wow, Zack.

You really are smart.

Oh yeah? And how is that gonna help you in botany? There's no quarterback named Phil o'dendron.

I have a whole different system for botany.


- What's that?
- I get a "d.

" ( Whispering ) Good morning, Internet.

Welcome to another installment of the hit series, "yay me! Starring London"
- ( Bailey snoring )
- Shh.

( Whispering ) "Tipton.

" Today, due to the overwhelming response to "yay me's" "boo you," we'll once again be pranking my snoring roommate, Bailey.

Cock
-a
-doodle
-doo! ( Laughing ) Is it my morning to milk the cows?
- Boo you!
- ( All laughing )
- What's going on?
- Woody, zoom in on her head.

She's got crazy robot parts.

Wait, wave to the world.

Hi, world.

So how does it feel to be boo
-youed again? It feels lousy Again.

I'm sorry.

I don't understand your crazy robot talk.

( Laughs ) Understand this.

( Camera shatters ) Woody, that camera's coming out of your salary.

I'm getting a salary?!
- So Kirby, are you ready?
- Absolutely.

I have five number two pencils freshly sharpened, and six Swiss cheese sandwiches freshly toasted.

Now the high school equivalency test is rather long.

It covers five subjects, and ends with a 2,000
-word essay.

Well, I know what the first word is.

"Dang.

" Well, don't worry.

You'll do great.

Oh, I'm not worried.

What would make you think I was worried? Sit tight.

I'll get a bucket.

Man, I hope Kirby's gonna be okay.

I mean, seven hours
-
- that's a long test.

Don't worry.

They only give seven hours to people who need it, like you.

He'll be out before you know it.

( Babbling ) Or maybe sooner.

Oh, poor Kirby.

He couldn't get past the first question.


- What was it?
- "Put name here.

" I hate that one.

Kirby, what happened to you? I was sitting there all ready to take the test,
- then I realized I have testophobia.


- ( Zack gasps ) How long do you have, big guy? No, he means he's afraid of taking tests.

I guess the truth is I'm just afraid to fail.

That fear takes over my whole body, I get all sweaty, my leg twitches and my eyes start blinking like a movie projector, just ( Babbling ) Kirby, a lot of people are scared to fail.

You just need to find a way to relax your mind and conquer your fear.

Well, I don't know, guys.

Afraid? You? I mean, this is coming from the man who caught that guy trying to sneak out of the buffet with his pants full of shrimp.

That guy was five.

My point is you weren't scared then and you shouldn't be scared now.

You're right.

I have nothing to be afraid of.

Oh, Walker lady.

Nuh
-uh, run.

Oh, Bailey, do you like this outfit?
- Nope.


- Are you still mad at me? Yep.

Normally, I like one
-word responses
-
- being easier to understand and all
-
- but come on, give me a long, boring story about how back on the farm the chicken dated the cow and they broke up because they couldn't agree on how to raise their children.

London, don't you realize you embarrassed me in front of holden, the whole school and the entire world? Not the entire world.

We only got Okay, I'm sorry I embarrassed you, and I promise I won't do it anymore.

That's what you would say if you were going to "boo you" me again.


- But I'm not.


- And you would say that
- to throw me off guard.


- Well, I'm not that smart.

But now that I said it, you're smart enough to retain it.

Retain what? Boy, you're good.

Good at what? Okay, Kirby, to help you relax and get over your testophobia, we will be channeling the three
-toed sloth: Controlling our breathing, slowing our heart rate.

Now let us harness the methodical grace of the loggerhead turtle.

( Mimics turtle groan ) Nuh
-uh, big man don't flow like that.

Contorting yourself is not relaxing.

Relaxing is lying on a sofa eating cheese doo
-dahs.

Oh, I can do doo
-dahs.

I can do doo
-dahs all the doo
-dah day.

Don't question the turtle.

He needs the turtle.

No, he needs cheesy snacks.

Who uses cheesy snacks to study? Really smart mice! How do you wanna relax, Kirby?
- Yeah, Kirby, how?
- ( Babbling ) ( Screams ) Holden? Wow, this invitation really was from you.

Yeah, I thought it would be nice
- to have dinner together.


- Are you sure? Last time we ate together, I hawked jalapeno on your shirt.

I'll risk it.

( Giggles ) Okay.

You know, since the first time I saw you, I wanted to ask you out.


- Really?
- Yeah, really.

I think you're adorable.

( Giggles ) Okay.

So when London came to me and set this whole thing up,
- I was thrilled.


- Wait a minute.


- London set this up?
- Yeah, and wasn't that nice of her?
- I knew it.

Where's the camera?
- What camera? Is it in one of these rolls? No, it's not in any of the rolls.

What are you doing? Ow! Maybe it's in the butter.

There's nothing in the butter.

Okay, what's going on? Oh, I get it
-
- flower
-cam.

Bailey, what are you doing? Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I ruin your stupid show? Well, boo you, London! Boo you! But this isn't "boo you.

" It's not a prank.

I arranged this dinner to make it up to you.


- Huh?
- You see? Holden really likes you.

I did, before I became a human buffet.

So this was a real date? Yeah, I was trying to be nice.

Gee, for some reason, after becoming the download dork of the day, that thought didn't occur to me.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, you get mad at me when I make you the star of my show, you get mad at me when I set you up with a cute guy
-
- you know, there's just no pleasing you.

You're right, London.

This is all my fault.

No! Not all of it.

A small part of it was mine.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

But boy, did you blow it with holden.

And he is cute.

And available.

Now when Kirby comes in to take his test, he will be relaxed by the soothing sounds of trickling water.

( Clicks ) Bloop.

Are you trying to relax him or make him go potty? Now this baby
-
- ( moans ) This baby is what he needs.


- And check this out.


- ( Beeps ) Turn that off.

He can't hear my waterfall.

Oh, come on.

There's no way he can be tense sitting in this thing.


- Kirby, right on time.


- ( Beeps ) Actually, I just came to tell miss tutweiller I can't do this.

Sure you can.

You know this material inside out.

For example, name a place where Portuguese is the main language other than Portugal.

That's easy.

Angola, Brazil, Cape Verde, Guinea
-Bissau, Mozambique, Macau and bento's Brazilian barbeque.

Best yucca fries this side of Sao paolo.

And if you went to Vietnam, you would exchange your dollars for what? Dongs, and you better exchange it this week, 'cause the dong is strong.

And I'm sure you know what the national dance of Bulgaria is.

Who doesn't? It's the trakijsko horo, and a lot of people do it in place, but you're really supposed to travel to the right.

Digga
-digga
-da! Digga
-digga
-da! Digga
-digga
-da! Otherwise, you're doing the divatensko and you just look silly.

You see? You know all the answers.

Yeah, but I still don't think I can make it through that test.


- You just did.


- Huh? The world studies section anyway.

I don't understand.

You see, Cody and I realized that instead of helping you, we only made you more nervous.

So we figured the best way to get you to pass the test was to trick you into thinking you weren't taking it.

Miss tutweiller saw you answer all those questions on a video feed.

And all these years, I had no idea I had no idea I was doing the trakijsko horo wrong.

Oh yeah, it's just the hips.


- You gotta go to the right.


- I know, I saw.

So we borrowed one of London's webcams and hid it in this apple.

Wow, a fruit
-cam.

Now that's clever, boys.


- Thanks, guys.


- ( Both groaning ) If all of you believe in me this much, then how can I not believe in myself? Miss tutweiller, bring on the rest of that test.


- ( Chair beeps )
- Miss tutweiller? In a minute.

This feels good.

Ladies and gentlemen, i give you the graduating class of seven seas high.

( Emotionally ) They grow up so fast.

You think he'll come home for the holidays? I hope not Thanksgiving.

I just can't cook that much food.

I will now read the names of the graduates in alphabetical order.

Kirby Morris.

And that's it.

As valedictorian, most likely to succeed, and best looking in my class, I would like to thank my teacher, miss tutweiller, and my two twin tutors, Zack and Cody.

Without you guys, I would have never had the courage to get my diploma and earn my promotion.

Make room on the fridge, mama! Oh, dear.

That was a rental.

I'm just so proud.

Come here, little guy.

Ohh.


- Thanks, guys.


- ( Both groaning ) My kidney!
- Just one more question.


- What's that? When's the prom? Digga
-digga
-da! Digga
-digga
-da! Digga
-digga
-da! Give it to me.