01x16 - Mom and Dad on Deck

[bunniefuu]

Yes! It's here.

My pocket hankie of the month.

( Laughing ) Oh, stripes.

Woman: Mail call! ( Screaming ) ( Clamoring ) Yes yes yes! Oh, yes, mom's muffins are the best.

I thought you said your mom was a horrible cook.

Oh, no, if she got better, she'd be horrible.

Yeah, we wouldn't dare eat them, but these babies sure are fun to play with.

Plus they make great erasers.

Yay, my allowance for the week! What do they say when you bring that thing to the bank? "Wow.

" Dang it! Nice dress, Woody.

Really brings out your eyes.

My mom switched our packages again.

This is supposed to go to my little sister.

Little? She must've gotten my pjs.


- Guess I'll just have to sleep in the buff.


- No buff! Our room is a buff
-free zone.

I got a package from the farm.


- Is it homemade pie?
- A fresh peach cobbler? A one
-way ticket home?
- Mulch!
- All: Mulch? Rotted vegetables and woodchips.

I think I'm gonna cry.


- Does it smell that bad?
- No, it smells like home.

You know, this is the first year I'm missing the kettlecorn mulch festival.

Let me guess: You were miss junior mulch.

Three years running.

And this year, I would've been a shoo
-in for corn queen.

I miss home! I know what to do with this.

Who wants to go parasailing? Yeah, like, whoosh! Oh look, guys
-
- sparkly.

( Clang ) Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Wow, these are mom's bounciest muffins ever.

Ooh, there's one left.

I got it.

Mine mine mine! You ate the rest of them?
- Should we take him to the infirmary?
- Eh, it's Woody.

He once ate a tetherball, remember? We had to pull it out by the rope.


- Ew.


- Ew.

Besides, I've got other stuff on my mind right now.

Wait, let me guess
-
- next month's homework? No, I already turned that in.

I'm talking about Bailey being homesick.

I feel terrible that she feels terrible.

Don't.

There is nothing, nothing better in this world than an unhappy hot girl.

What are you talking about? When the lions are out hunting gazelles, they don't att*ck the strong healthy ones.

Oh, no.

They att*ck the weak ones, you know, the ones crying and eating ice cream.

I worship this man.

You guys have got to help me.

Bailey's in our room sobbing and watching home videos of some guy calling his wife over and over.

Sooie! Sooie! He's calling a pig.

Hey, we're not here to judge.

Look, all I know is someone has got to cheer Bailey up.

I've got it.

We can recreate the kettlecorn mulch festival.

Then we can elect Bailey corn queen and me corn king.

Why do you get to be corn king? Why can't I? 'Cause the king can't have a gpa of 0.

75.

( Fiddle playing ) You call that music? Tune that jug.

Mooove that cow.

Hey, I am not paying you people to hold that pitchfork crooked.

Now, more American, less gothic.

Thank you.

Zach, hurry up, you've been stringing popcorn for an hour.

I don't know why it's taking so long.

Woody, stop eating the decorations.

I've never seen him like this.

It's love, woodster.

It can make a man loco.

That's why I travel solo.

Well, that and every time I talk to a girl, I get rashes on my thighs.

Hi! Okay, now remember, you're Bailey's grammy, you call her "bunnykins" and you make great fudge.

Sit down.

You call that whittling? Give me this.

With the grain.

With the grain.

Cody, Cody, calm down, dude.

I can't calm down.

Bailey's gonna be here any minute.


- Woody, how are the corn fritters?
- Frittered.


- Popcorn?
- Popped.


- Cornbread?
- Corny
- cream corn?
- Creamy.

Can we stop this now? No, where's the square dance caller? Someone call the caller! Ha ha! Howdy, partners.

I'm Marion moseby, your square dance caller.

Let's all get ready to hoot and holler.

Ow!
- Moseby?
- Look, it was the only way I could get permission to use the sky deck.

Apparently, "calling" is on his bucket list.

You're late.

Well, sorry, I was sewing rhinestones on my chaps.


- See?
- No excuses.


- Bailey's coming.


- Places, people! Move it, move it, move it! All: Surprise! Wait a minute.

Barrels of finely aged mulch? Every corn dish known to man? Creamed corn, corn pudding, corn souffle.

( Gasps ) The corn crown and cob scepter? If my pappy is passed out in a pickle barrel, this must be the mulch festival.

You heard her, pappy.

Get in the barrel.

Welcome to kettlecorn on the sea.

Cody, this is amazing.

And I have a feeling I know who's going to win corn queen.

Me? Really? I mean, not that I expect to win.

Only if people vote for me! Although I have had my speech ready since I was five.


- Can't wait to hear it.


- You are sweeter than caramel corn.

And I don't get stuck in your teeth.

Oh, Cody, this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

I don't know how to thank you.

Well
- And one more surprise.


- What? I've flown in your old boyfriend moose.

Hey, y'all.


- Moose!
- Bailey.

London! I have missed you more than pigs miss their ribs at a barbecue.

Oh, moose, I'm so glad you're not still mad at me for leaving kettlecorn.

Oh, that's all slop under the trough.

We're here together now thanks to your roommate, who, by the way, was surprised to find out I'm not actually a moose.

She sent a cage and everything.

Yeah, she may not be the sharpest pitchfork in the barn, but her heart is in the right place.


- Thanks, London.


- You're welcome.

Aren't I the bestest friend? Not to me.

How could you bring Bailey's boyfriend here? Well, she's been talking about how much she misses kettlecorn, and it was easier to fly him out than the barn.

But you know I'm in love with her.

What? You are? Well, why didn't you tell me? I did.

Just last week, I spent three hours pouring my heart out to you about how much I loved her.

Oh, I must've been asleep.

Your eyes were open.

Oh, it's a trick I learned for school.

( Snoring ) Ha ha! All right, it's square dancing time.

Everybody, grab a partner.

Come on, darling, let's cut a rug.

Gents, bow to your partners.

Ladies, curtsy to your man.

And five, six, seven, eight, do
-si
-do your corners all.

Walk or waddle, hop or crawl.

Now spin her round the whole darn boat.

Don't swing too hard, she'll have to float.

I'll never forgive you for this.

Okay okay, if you're that upset, I'll go get rid of goose.


- Moose.


- What, my hair's not cool enough to talk to goose? Just do
-si
-go.

Now sweep a quarter in for your family.

Peck like a chicken and buzz like a bee.

Promenade right, just like this, and blow your partner a big old kiss.


- What's London doing?
- Getting rid of moose.

Why? He's such a great guy, and no one can roll away, sashay like him.

Moose is gonna stay for the weekend.

Bailey's so lucky to have such a great guy.

Hello? You were supposed to get rid of him.


- Oh, how'd I do?
- Not so good.

( Scoffs ) I guess we'll cut this square dance short 'cause Cody's not a very good sport! All: Aww.

Hey, I hear you planned this party for my Bailey.

No no, well, yeah, but we all pitched in.

I was just responsible for the corn dogs and corn burgers and corn.

Yeah, well, there's something you need to hear.

Thank you for helping my honey.

( Voice shaking ) You're welcome.

I was just trying to make her feel a little less homesick.

My pumpkin is homesick? Maybe I should ask her to come back to kettlecorn with me.


- No!
- What do you mean no? It's just You know Development in hydroponics and horticultural technologies have caused a drastic decline in agricultural careers.

I have no idea what you just said, little feller, but thanks for getting me and Bailey back together.


- I couldn't have laughed any harder.


- I need to talk to you.

This better be good.

I was about to step on that girl's foot, apologize, offer to massage it, have her fall in love with me, then when she wants to be exclusive, get rid of her by confessing that the only thing I can commit to is a cell phone plan.

Yeah, love with you is a beautiful thing meanwhile, how can I keep Bailey from moving back to kettlecorn with moose? Well, then you have to show her you're the better man.

( Laughs ) Do you remember any of our previous discussions about my lack of self
-esteem and your lack of support? Now gather round, partners, it's corn bobbing time! Woo
-hoo! I love me some corn bobbing.

Show 'em how it's done, moosey! All right, you really wanna impress Bailey? You get in there and Bob for a cob.

( Whimpering ) Good luck, little feller.

You better kiss your kernels goodbye, pal, because you're going down.

Well, sure, we both are.

That's how you get the cob.

Wouldn't it be easier just to reach in and pull it out with your hand? All right, you have 15 seconds to get out as many cobs as you can.

On your mark, get set, Bob! All right, Cody, get them! Get them, Cody! Just grab them! Cody.

Cody, get some.

Grab one.


- Come on, just bite into it.


- It's hard.

That's why mommy always cuts off the niblets.

We got tired of her cutting off our niblets.

That's why we're on this boat.

Now Bob! Who is this Bob everyone keeps talking about? ( Bell rattles ) We have a winner! Should someone get his head out of the water? Come on up.


- Cody, are you okay?
- I'm fine.

Moose, you saved him! Oh, it was nothing.

I love ewe! That was supposed to be my line.

Well, if the next competition is whining like a little girl, you're gonna win by a mile.

Okay, slightly harsh, but I guess I needed to hear that.

I'm gonna show Bailey I'm right after I floss.

Mmm.

Ow, floss burn.

Oh, they are neck and neck! Well, wrist and wrist.

Oh! Winner and still champeen, moose! ( Cheering ) Now, do we have any challengers to win the grand prize? Hogs and kisses.

( Snorting ) I challenge you, moose.

( Laughing ) No, seriously, is there anyone who wants to I'm going to win this event if it's the last thing I ever do.

It will be.

Dude, look at his arms.

He's got pythons.

You've got yummy worms.

Arm wrestling is not about brute strength.

It's about physics.

As long as your elbow establishes the proper fulcrum, it's all just angles, leverage and torque.

You're a torque.

I don't wanna hurt you, little feller.

Worry about yourself, big feller.

Wow, your hands sure are soft.

He is religious about moisturizing.

On your mark, get set, uhh, hold on a second, let me just adjust for difference in arm height.

Uhh Okay, hold that, please.

Let me just Okay, there's that, and two degrees adjustment on the fulcrum.

Okay, ready.

And go! Ahh! We have a winner.

( Cheering ) You just got fulcrummed.

You know what? Enough of these physical contests.

They don't prove anything.

I'd like to see moose try and b*at me at something cerebral like chess.

Checkmate.

Well, kiss my bishop.

How did you know the fianchetto gambit? Back on the farm, we call that "horsey storms the silo.

" Well, on the bright side, at least your arm didn't go through the table.

And moose takes the final prize! ( Cheering ) That's it.

I give up.

Hey, Bailey, "you egg
-cite me.

" Will you be my chick? Oh, moose, you always did know how to sweet talk a girl.

Then why don't you come back to kettlecorn? I know you been missing home something terrible.


- I have been a little homesick.


- I knew it.


- But
-
-
- but? There are no "buts" here.

Butts are for saddles, and I know what's best for my little cornflower.

Well, gather round, farm folk.

It's time to crown the corn queen, so lend me your ears.

( Laughs ) Now one of you lovely ladies is going to take home the crown, and I guess the rest of you are gonna say, "aw, shucks.

" ( Laughs ) Sorry, all these corn jokes, I'm getting creamed.

Whew! All right.

The winner is
-
- the corn queen: Bailey pickett.

I won! What? I demand a recount.

Okay, you have to count them.

Yay, Bailey! Thank you, thank you.

I can't wait to share this at show and tell.

If my grown
-up teeth don't come in bucked, all of my dreams will have come true.

Okay, I wrote this when I was five, and before I went to the orthodontist, but the feelings are still true.

Here we go.

The corn husk cape.

Wow, she is one hot tamale.

And when my friends elect me corn king, she'll know that we're perfect for each other.

And, by an overwhelming margin, our corn king is Moose! Ha ha! Get up here, you big lug! ( Cheering ) I can't believe some of my friends voted for moose and not me.


- Yeah.


- Weird.

How could you not vote for goose? He's such a great guy.

Love you, goosey.

I can't believe I might be losing Bailey.

Yeah, bummer.

You know, this trail mix is delicious.


- That's mulch.


- Does it come in barbecue?
- Hey, Cody.


- Hey, Bailey.

What's wrong? Oh, nothing.

I just have a really big decision to make.

I'd go with the rhubarb over the apple.


- The filling is runny.


- Yeah, I noticed.

Not very good.

Uh
-uh.

Oh but that's not it.

Moose just told me he loves me.


- Really?
- Yeah.

And he wants me to come back to kettlecorn with him.

So what are you gonna do? I don't know.

I'm just so confused.

I trust your judgment, Cody.

What do you think I should do: Go home or stay? I'll tell you what you should do.

You should st
-
- st
-
- stupid fly.

I think you should follow your heart.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

Thanks, Cody.

Moose.

Yes, dumpling?
- So I thought about what you said.


- And? And I've decided to do what my heart tells me.

So you're coming back to kettlecorn?
- Heck, no.


- Yes! Finally caught that fly.

Be free.

Sure, I miss kettlecorn, but I love my new life here at seven seas high.

There are so many and I don'ttures wanna miss them.

Absolutely right.

Next month we're going to the place where the plague started.

It's all okay now, though.

But what about us? Moosey, having you here has been a hoot and a half, but it also reminded me why we broke up.

You're always telling me what to do.

You think you know what's best for me, but you don't.

Fine, I don't need you anyway.

Mary Lou has been wanting me to take her to the movies.

Mary Lou only has one tooth.

Yeah but it's in the middle.

I was so afraid you were going to leave me
-
- th
-the ship! Leave me ship.

Arrgh! I could never do that.

I would miss you and all of my other friends.

You'd miss me? Well, along with your other friends? Of course, and I can never thank you enough for doing all of this for me.

You can try.

Wow, it's hot up here.

Yeah, I could sure use a nice, frosty corna
-cola.

Me too,
- and I've got my floss.


- Me too.

Now take your luggage in your hand, and down the ramp till you hit land.

( Laughs ) I'm sorry, I just love this stuff.

Whoa! Now while you're in this festive town, don't eat the food, it won't stay down.

Seriously, I wouldn't eat the food.

All right, I guess I'm gonna moseby on outta here.

( Laughing ) Y'all come back now, you hear?