02x04 - Kitchen Casanova

[bunniefuu]

So at the end of world w*r I, the austro
-Hungarian empire was divided into eight separate regions
-
- Germany, Austria ( Thinking ) I miss you.

I miss you! Hey, Donna, are you free tonight? No! Hey, Brandi, are you free tonight? Hey, Chelsea, isn't texting great? You're supposed to spell stuff wrong! I wish my thumbs weren't so big! ( Phone dinging ) Class? For your midterm papers, I'd like everyone to pick an historical royal figure and discuss their rise to power, accomplishments and legacy.

And Zack, despite his name, king Kong is not technically royalty.

Zack? Huh? Zack, who are you texting? You're all doing it? No using your phones unless there is an emergency! ( Phone dinging ) London, the fact that you think my make
-up is kind of clowny is not an emergency.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
-
- oh ay oh
- rocking the wholeg world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Hey, dude, grab your kimono.

It's all
-you
-can
-eat Sushi at the Tanaka family reunion! Come on! You'll never pass as a Tanaka Unless they're a family of sumo wrestlers.

What are you doing? I'm playing "better life.

" It's a virtual world where you can Travel around and meet other people and buy property.

You can do all that in the real world.

Not in your underpants.

Most the kids in school have avatars in "better life.

" Mine happens to own the arcade.

Why does your character have a lizard tail? Dude, it's called "better life.

" I gotta hold a drink and a sandwich and still scratch my butt.

Cool.

Can it write your paper for miss tutweiller's class? Oh, no! Is that due tomorrow? Oh, I completely forgot! I'm never gonna be able to finish it in time.

Maybe I can get a note from my virtual doctor.

I know.

I can go on the computer, access Cody's files and use one of his old papers.

Oh, Cody will like that.

He's into recycling.

( Powering on ) Eh, password? Let me think.

Bailey? ( Beeping ) ( Laughs ) Well, at least he changed it from "I miss mommy.

" Who can tell me what they know
- about the kaiser?
- Ooh! If you want your pastrami on it, it costs an extra dollar.

She means the kaiser of Germany.

Oh! An extra euro.

London! I said no texting in class.

( Gasps ) ( Thinking ) O.

M.

G.

, Chelsea! Fuddy duddy tutty just totally chewed me out! Okay, that's it.

I'm confiscating your cell phone.

Fine.

All your cell phones! Your p.

D.

A.

S, your d.

A.

P.

S, your blacktooth! And your blueberry! Oh.

Okay, remind me never to go to an airport with you.

You're not getting these back for a week.


- ( Gasps )
- ( Bell ringing ) My babies! Mommy will miss you.

Take good care of them.

Make sure you charge 'em! Wait, Zack.

Hold on a second.

I want to talk to you about the term paper you turned in.

Yeah.

Some of my best work, wouldn't you say? Actually, yes.

The paper was quite well written.

By me! I wrote every word in there.

That's what concerns me.

Particularly this paragraph in the middle here
-
- "I'm terrified of bananas.

I imagine them chasing me, gnashing their fangs and growling.

It's gotten so bad I can't sleep.

Please help.

" Does that not belong in a paper about "Blissiv?" Louis xiv.

And let's not hide our problem behind humor.

I wouldn't really call it a problem.

Zack, a phobia is not something to be taken lightly.

Now I want you to see Mr.

blanket, the school counselor, here at 3:00.

Do
-
- do I at least get an "a" on the rest of the paper? Oh, I'm not gonna grade it until we see if you get put in "that other class.

" Hey, Woody.

I said, hey, Woody.

( Computer game sounds ) Hey! I was about to go down to Zack's "better life" arcade.

I'm going for the highest score in virtual virtual bowling.

Don't tell me you're into that stupid fake world too.

You're stupid.

"Better life" is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

My b.

L.

Character, Brock worthington, is rich, handsome, adventurous.

I have tons of friends, all the girls are easy to talk to, oh, and you're not there bothering me! Hey, Cody! I have something for you.

Ahhhh! Thanks, Zack.

You're not afraid? Why? What have you done with this banana? I don't get it.

So you're not afraid of bananas? Why would you think I'm afraid of banan
-
- you stole my fifth grade paper on Louis xiv.

How did you know? Mmm, I always bury one bizarre paragraph in each of my papers before I archive them, just to foil thieving slime like you.

So you have no banana issues? Please.

If anything, I admire the banana for its Hardy protective peel and abundance of potassium.

But you can read all about that in my award
-winning second
-grade paper, "the yellow miracle.

" Yeah, well, thanks a lot.

Now miss tutweiller is making me see Mr.

blanket because she thinks I have emotional problems.

I've been saying that for years.

Yeah, but I'm not afraid of bananas.

Well, then I guess you'll just have to admit that you cheated and take your punishment like a man.

You know, now that I think about it, the banana is kind of creepy.

It's like a giant infected demon claw.


- ( Bowling pins falling )
- Yes! Virtual strike! Okay, would you stop that tapping? What tapping? I'm not tapping.

Am I tapping? Oh my gosh, I can't stop tapping! Look.

Oh, thank you.

Oh! We just need to find a substitute activity to occupy your idle hands.

How's about some thumb wrestling? How's about not? Come on.

It'll be fun.

Ready? One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb w*r.

Ahhh! That is some thumb.

You are a good person.

You are a value.

You need to trim your nose hair.

Excuse me?
- Oh.


- Mr.

blanket?
- I'm Zack.


- Ah, yes.

Miss tutweiller told me about your problem with bananas.

Ahhh! Sorry.

( Whispering ) Bananas.

( Softly ) Ahh.

Please have a seat so we can do a few simple tests.

I'm gonna ask you what you think about these pictures.

I think you should have painted them with the lights on.

No.

They're ink blots
-
- ambiguous images.

What you see will help us understand what you're feeling inside.

I feel that you're a terrible artist.

I didn't paint them! Now What do you see? That's a banana Making one of its scary faces right before it eats you! Mm
-hmm.

Okay.

What about this one? Oh, a bunch of bananas getting ready to make me slip on them! Okay.

And this?
- I see a woman
- Oh, good good.

Stabbing me with a banana! I've helped kids with many fears
-
- flying, spiders, flying spiders, clowns, the dark, soup, ping
-pong balls.

But I don't think I've ever heard of anyone with your particular phobia.

Well, as you can see, my fear is very real.

So just sign this card or give me a hug or whatever it is you do, and we'll go our separate ways.

No no no, I will not rest until I have helped you overcome your fear.

Even if it takes many sessions and countless hours, we will not stop until we've squashed this banana problem.

Countless hours, huh? Mmm.

Believe in me, Zack.

The blanket method has helped many many kids.

Hey, Mr.

blanket, guess what! I played a whole game of ping pong and I only cried twice! Huh? Oh, more "better life"? Woody, you've been sitting in that chair for days.

At least get up and stretch.

Okay okay, I guess I could take a break while Brock's busy at the gym.

( Grunts ) Ahh.

Oh, I can't move my legs.

What is so appealing about "better life"? Everything! My character even has a girlfriend now, and she is hot! She's not real! Sure she is.

She happens to be a student here at seven seas high.

Oh, yeah? Which one? Beats me.

I only know her by her b.

L.

Name
-
- peaches Leroy.

I think I might be in love.

You can't be in love.

It's not even a real relationship.

You're right.

It's better! All my real
-life relationships have ended in disaster.

I mean, that's why with peaches, if I screw up, I can just delete myself and start over! Still, you can't even kiss her.

Sure, I can.

Just hit "k.

" Watch.

Oops.

Kissing is alt
-k.

Well, I mean, you deserved that one.

Cat's cradle's boring.

Plus a cat would never fit in here.

None of your stupid hand hobbies are working.

Not the thumb wrestling, not the shadow puppets, not the hambone
-
- hambone, hambone he's so funny, I'm the one with all the money.

Too bad, 'cause you got rhythm! I have to text Chelsea.

I need a cell phone.

Ooh! London, that's a calculator.

Ahh, math! Okay, look, if you're so desperate to communicate with Chelsea, there are other ways.

Write her a letter.

A let
-ter? Yeah, you know, like, "dear Chelsea" But I only text.

I think I've forgotten how to make letters.

So? Go to the ship's library and check out a book on handwriting.

A book? How did you get into this school? Daddy bought it for me.

Still.

Okay, Zack, the best way to overcome a phobia is to slowly desensitize yourself to the thing that you fear.

Kapow! See, Zack? Bananas aren't scary.

They're not dangerous.

They can't hurt you.

Ow! Are you okay, Mr.

blanket? I'm fine, I'm fine.

Good thing I'm not afraid of knitting needles.

Now I want you to touch it
-
- touch the banana.

Good.

See? No reason to be afraid.

You're right.

Oh.

Mmm! I did it.

I'm cured! You're a miracle worker! No, you are just internalizing your fear.

Oh, don't you worry.

I'm sure later this evening, I'll externalize it.

No, our work here has just begun.

We need to find the root cause of your banana phobia.

Perhaps it stems from a traumatic experience you had as a child? Ha! No.

No, I don't think so.

I had a great childhood.

I got to do whatever I wanted.

So your parents never pressured you at all? No.

My brother Cody, though, he took all that pressure off of me, what with all those honor classes and extracurriculars and award ceremonies with the mayor.

I just sat on my tree stump jamming out on a frying
-pan drum.

Oh, I see.

Well, only figuratively, of course, because I think that banana detached my retina.

Sorry I kicked you in the face the other day, peaches.

I was trying to kiss you.

Why didn't you just say so, sugar? Oh, I'm late for my virtual doctor's appointment.

I'm getting angel wings.

Hmm, you're already my angel.

Woody! Woody! Down here.

Cody? Yeah.

I've been trying to talk to you for days.

This is the only way I could reach you.

Why are you a kitty cat? I clicked the wrong box, okay? And they charge you an extra activation fee just to change
-
- never mind.

Aw, you're so cute.

Don't you dare alt
-k me! Fine.

( Meows ) What did you want to tell me? I'm worried about you.

You can't live your whole life in here.

Don't you want to meet peaches and find out who she really is? Well, sure, but What if she's disappointed in the real me? Look, you may not be as conventionally handsome as Brock, but you're fun And cuddly.

Do you really think so? Absolutely.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, none of us ever thought you'd get a girlfriend, and now you've got Bailey who's way out of your league.

( Coughing ) Sorry.

Did that hurt your feelings? No.

( Hacking ) Ahh, hairball.

I'm gonna make a date with peaches in the real world.

Hey, "brosef," did you know that I'm running a business here? And if you don't play, you don't stay! ( Screeching ) Goal! And even the hambone didn't help London.

Really? But the hambone always works.

That's how I quit biting my nails.

Hambone hambone, went to school to learn himself the golden rule.


- Ho ho!
- Works every time.


- I know.


- Look, guys!
- I just finished my letter to Chelsea.


- Wow.

London, this isn't handwriting.

This is calligraphy.

It's art.

It is lovely.

So you're not insulted that I called you a yam
-faced yokel? Of course, but you wrote it so beautifully.

London, you have a gift.

Oh oh! When did it arrive? Who is it from? I hope it's diamonds! And to think this talent would have gone unnoticed had I not confiscated your cell phones last week.

Hey, it has been a week, hasn't it? See? You barely missed them.

Oh, yay! My phones! Now I never have to do that Cal
-Gia
-graphy again! Oh, darn.

I was gonna have her do my Christmas cards.

Peaches? Brock? Addison? You're peaches? You're Brock? Yeah, or ( Low voice ) Yeah.

Wow.

Wanna sit down?
- Sure.


- Okay.

So So How are you doing? Great.

Great! Well, this is fun! It sure was.

Yeah.

Well, I'll see you later.

Okay.

Dude, what are you doing? I couldn't think of anything to say.

You've been talking to her for a week in "better life.

" That was Brock.

He's a great conversationalist.

I wish I was Brock.

You are Brock.

It's so much easier in "better life.

" You need to forget about "better life" and find a way to make your real life better.


- But Brock is
-
-
- Brock is a collection of pixels.

You're a real man Ow! With a very soft center.

You know, Zack, I think I'm finally starting to see the real you.

Where are you? Still over here, sir.

Ahh.

I thought I heard movement.

Anyway, Zack, I've figured this out.

You're not afraid of bananas.

You're here because of your brother.


- Look, I can explain.


- No need.

You grew up in the shadow of an overachieving brother, always feeling unwanted and unloved.

If you will
-
- a second banana.

Okay.

This sort of thing produces a fight
-or
-flight reaction.

And so far, you have been fleeing.

It's time to face the first banana! ( Laughing ) I am so gonna get you.

Now hit the banana! Bruise him! Whoa whoa, hold on a minute.

Let's not do anything
-
- ow! Oh, that's it.

It's on! ( Both grunting ) Good good! Might I ask where your degree is from? Shut up, monkey bait.

It's your fault we're in this position! Me? How's it my fault that you're unable to write a term paper? Ahh! Ahh! It's not that I'm unable, it's just that it wouldn't have been as good as one of yours.

Hit him again! Nothing I ever do seems good enough.

It's not always easy being compared to you.

Ahh! How do you think I feel? You've always been better at sports and girls and had more friends than me.

Academics is the one place I could excel and be my own person, not just Zack's nerdy brother.

I didn't know you felt that way.

I didn't know you felt that way either.

I'm sorry, man.

Oh, me too.

( Sobbing ) Mr.

blanket, why are you crying? My eye still really really hurts.

I'm so happy you asked me to this dance, wood
-
- I mean, Brock.

I'm so glad you said yes.

You look really pretty tonight, ada
-
- I mean, peaches.

So what should we do next? Oh ho, I have an idea.

Dang.

It's alt
-k! Mwah! Oh, that's better.

You're a great alt
-k'er.


- Kapow!
- ( Screams ) ( Ping
-pong balls dropping ) That's the blanket method.