02x16 - Any Given Fantasy

[bunniefuu]

Oh, she is a beauty.

Look at her shape.

Bailey: The gentle curves of her body.

The way the water glistens off her skin.

Ooh! Is that the new swimsuit issue? We're looking at whales.

Oh.

Not really my thing, but I'll give it a look
-see.

It's a pod of blue whales.

They were hunted almost to extinction and they're still on the endangered species list.

We've adopted two calves and now we're tracking them on the Jacques tuloose society's web site.

I named mine Bailey
-whaley.

And I named mine Cody
-blowholey.

I say Moby
-barf.

You heard what I did there?
- I actually said Moby
-barf.


- ( Arguing ) Guys! Look.

They're just off the coast of South America and heading in the direction of the ship.

Now way! If we're lucky, we'll be able to see our babies feasting on krill in temperate Chilean waters! What could possibly be more fun?! Oh, wait
-
- anything.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Hey, moseby.

So when are we docking? I have to meet daddy in Valparaiso for the grand opening of a new tipton hotel.

( Gasps ) Mr.

tipton's going to be there?
- Uh
-huh.


- You tell him we'll be docking right on time if not sooner.


- Here you go, London.


- Oh, what is that? My key ring.

The mayor of Valparaiso is giving us the key to the city and I figure if it's for the whole city, it must be huge.

Both: Yeah.

You know, I could use one of those.

I've got a lot of keys.

What's that teeny
-tiny one with the little heart? Oh, that's for my diary.

I always like to end my day with an installment of "Kirby Morris: Life at sea.

" Oh, well, I don't have time to keep a diary, so I have someone else keep it for me.

I love reading it at night to find out what I did during the day.

Cody, I just got an e
-alert from Jacques himself.

He says the engine sounds from the ship might interfere with the whales' sonar navigation.

We could end up hitting them.

Our babies! Mr.

moseby, our adopted whales, let me guess.

The other whales are making fun of their names? I told you we should've gone with baleen and fluke.

Those names are ridiculous.

Would you have named your kids gums and elbow?
- I really don't care for your tone.


- Sorry.

Can you two please take this mindless soap opera someplace else? The thing is the ship is heading right for a pod of blue whales.

You have to get the captain to divert our course.

I can't tell the captain how to run his ship, just like how he doesn't tell me how to do my job.

Okay, there was that one time he suggested we switch to an all
-in
-one shampoo conditioner.

Really? I know.

Crazy, right? Please, Mr.

moseby, the whales need our help.

Look, I am sorry, but Mr.

tipton is waiting for us in Valparaiso and if I make him wait, he'll make me wait tables.


- But
-
-
- zzt!
- But
-
- but
-
-
- zzt! Zzt! And that's the last "zzt!" I have on the matter.

I'm just saying sometimes you condition for extra body but don't want the drying that comes from shampoo.

I've got it already.


- Kirby.


- Sorry, kids, can't talk now.

When I'm guarding the captain's bridge, I have to keep a steely focus.


- But
-
-
- aw, heck, I love a good gabfest.


- Whatcha got?
- Our whales are in trouble.

You've got pet whales? I had a pet goldfish once.


- I bet you can't guess what his name was.


- Goldie?
- Okay, what was my cat's name?
- Fluffy?
- Hah! Wrong.


- Whiskers? Dang.

This is an emergency.

You have to tell the captain to change course, otherwise we'll be jeopardizing the lives of endangered whales.

I guess if I put it like that, he can't say no.

You know, now that I actually think about it, an all
-in
-one shampoo conditioner
-
-
- don't care.


- ( Door opens ) He said no, then he threw his lunch at me.

Good thing he wasn't eating shish kebab.


- Whatcha doing?
- I'm planning on recording some blue whale sounds to use in a single I'm working on.

It's called "baby got humpback.

" Are the whales down there now? No, I'm just testing out the equipment.

All right, let's see what I've got.


- ( Clicks )
- Moseby: Kirby, hand over that sub.

You're getting meatballs all over the deck! Look.

Meatball, meatball, meatball.

Captain lunsford said if he caught you eating on the job again, he would fire you.

Wow.

That's not a whale.

That's a large
-mouth moseby.

Bad news.

Captain lunsford wouldn't even change our course to save the whales.

Oh, no.

Instead of recording their beautiful whale songs, I'll be recording "help! There's a propeller in my eye!" The only thing I can think of is to build a giant solar sail that could overpower the ship's engine
- and blow us off course.


- Cool.

Yeah, just one problem
-
- I would need a sail the size of Manhattan.

Or you could sneak into the engine room, cause a distraction, get everyone out, lock the doors behind you and shut the engines off until your little whale kids swim by.

What? Did you splice the tape together the way I told you? Come on, give me a break.

I practically grew up in a recording studio.


- ( Clicks )
- Okay.


- Emergency!
- Moseby: Fire! Fire! Captain lunsford said all hands on deck!
- Meatball!
- Ooh.

Meet ensign ball On the lido deck.

Hurry! Let's go! Now! ( Clangs, clicking ) Awesome.

We're in.

The engine room is ours.

Look.

I'm practicing my scissor skills for when I have to cut the ribbon at the new tipton.

I'm making paper mosebys.

They're almost life
-size.

I don't suppose anyone knows how to shut the engine down? Well, this ship is equipped with two podded propulsion units, each one comprising a speed
-control a.

C.

driving an f.

P.

Propeller.

Now I propose we start by rotating each pod horizontally 180°.

Or we could just pull this giant red thing that says "engine off.

" ( Alarm blares ) Oh! Oops.

There go your heads.

Now they don't look like you anymore.

( Screams ) Don't even think about it! What? I was just getting some tape.

What is going on? The engines must have stopped.

I wonder if captain lunsford knows about this.


- Oh, he knows.

And this time
- ( Zings ) He was eating shish kebabs.

Mmm, that's a tasty marinade.


- Ugh.


- ( Computer beeps ) ( Cody in deep voice ) Mr.

moseby, my name is Mr.

blue.

We have taken control of your engine room.

Do what I say and no one gets hurt.

Oh, someone's getting hurt Cody.

Marcus: I told you he'd know it was you.

Shut up, Mr.

green.

We are soldiers of the endangered animal protection league.

Bailey: I thought we were the league of endangered animal protectors.

Somebody already had that website, Mrs.

pink.

All right.

This nonsense must stop immediately.

People's jobs are at stake, and by people I mean me.

Sorry, but I must end our communication.

Mr.

blue out.

Oh, I don't know who this evil Mr.

blue is, but he is not keeping me from getting my giant key! Both: Yeah.

Kirby.

Kirby! Any luck getting through the door? Oh, you can't get through this door.

I'm making a grilled cheese sandwich.

Ooh! Hot cheese! Hot cheese! b*rned my mouth! Ooh ooh ooh! ( Blows ) Mmm.

Okay, I figure it should take about 12 hours for the whales to pass by safely.

( Vocalizing ) What are you doing? Oh, I'm just temping in some whale sounds.

Hopefully I can sneak out and record the real thing later.

( Computer beeps ) ( Deep voice ) This is miss pink.

Oh, hey, Bailey.


- Hi, Mr.

moseby.


- Oh! Remind me to never rob a bank with you goofs.

Listen, the captain has instructed me to shut off the air conditioning in the lower decks.

Now it's about to get very hot in there.

Well, whatever.

We could use a sauna.

It's good for the pores.

Well, we'll see how you feel about that in a few hours.

Moseby out.

Don't worry, Mr.

moseby.

There's gotta be a way in there.

We'll think of something.

Well, we tried.

Who wants a sandwich? Moseby, the ship is still not going voom
-voom.

That means I'm not getting my clink
-clink and daddy's waiting for me.

Tick
-tock.

Soon I'm gonna start to go "wah wah!"
- Zzt zzt!
- Oh! Well, somebody's gotta get in there and get this ship moving.

The only thing I can see is, since the air conditioning is off, someone can sneak through the vents which lead right into the engine room.

But I don't know what fool would do that.

What? I guess the fool who said it.

( Grunting ) How's it going, Kirby? Have you made it to the engine room? I hate to point out the obvious, but I'm an extra extra large man trying to shimmy through a medium vent.

This truck don't make that turn.

Just grease yourself through.

Don't you always carry butter in your pocket? Not anymore.

Cody had a talk with me about my diet.

Now all I have in my pockets in rice cakes.

( Crunches ) Oh.

Make that rice cake crumbs.

Safety first, Kirby.

Maybe you should just come back.

Kirby, if you turn around, I'll make sure the next boat you work on
- will be a dinghy!
- Dang! Not a dinghy.

Yes.

Yes.

I believe I've rerouted the air conditioning back into the engine room.

Prepare to be as cool as a cucumber.

Ow! That's hot! Well, this cucumber just got steamed.


- ( Ship creaks )
- ( Thuds loudly ) What was that noise? Well, all ships creak.


- ( Creaking )
- Kirby: Whoa!
- Do all ships moan?
- This ship is haunted! Maybe it was built over an Indian burial ground! Maybe you haven't noticed, but we're on the ocean.

Kirby: Help! ( Thuds )
- I'm going with the Indian burial ground!
- ( Whimpering )
- Ah! Ooh!
- ( Bailey screams )
- Oh! Oh! Ah!
- Kirby? Oh, man.

I think I fell on my diary key.

I hope I didn't break it, 'cause this is gonna make a great chapter.

Come on.

Kirby, are you in? I'm in and I'm about to open the door.

No no no! Wait, Kirby.

Don't.

Sorry, kids, I'm under orders.

What is this guy, part t*nk?
- Oh! Woo!
- Kirby, no! Think of the little baby whales.

The ship is endangering their lives.

Do you want to be known as the little baby whale k*ller? Here, show him the video.

Does it come with popcorn? Narrator: The blue whale, nature's gentle giant of the deep.


- Oh, they're cute.


- Once they were plentiful, until man hunted them for their oil
-rich insides.


- ( Cannon fires )
- Shame on you, mankind.


- Shame.


- The horror! How can I help erase the shame?
- You can adopt one.


- Well, I don't have that much room in my apartment, but why not? You can even give it a name.

Actually, I always wanted a daughter.

How about kirbina? Kirby, have you gotten them out yet? No! And I'm not going to either! Nobody hurts my little kirbina! I haven't been this thirsty since mom made us salt
-crusted pork and forgot the pork.

Man, I sweated right through my shirt.

Wow.

I'm actually tempted to drink it.

Okay, one of these buttons has got to open a vent.


- ( Button clicks )
- ( Alarm blaring ) ( All screaming ) Sometimes I really hate those kids.


- Uh
- ( Alarm stops ) Guess I was wrong.

( Chuckles nervously )
- ( Pounds on door )
- Who is it? ( London in deep voice ) Pizza man! Oh, I wonder if he's got something to drink! No, Marcus, don't! ( Door clangs ) London? Aha! I've got you! I knew this pizza plan would work.

And you all thought I was stupid.

So now that you're in, what's the rest of your plan to get us out? No idea.

( Typing ) London How come you're not sweating? Because ladies don't sweat.

They glow.

Yeah? Well, Bailey is glowing all over me.

Sorry.

I sweat like a pig.

Although, technically, pigs don't have sweat glands.

That's why they cool themselves in their own feces.

Let's call that plan b.

Ooh, look! Since I posted on my website yaymestarringlondontipton.

Com that I'm down here with whale lovers, everyone is saying that I'm a hero! Uh, you're not even a member of the endangered animal protection league.

Oh, whatever.

I'm adopting a whale and keeping it in my bathtub.

London, blue whales can grow over 100'.

Clearly you haven't seen my bathtub.

Bathtub.

Water.

I can't take it anymore, man! I'd cry, but I've sweat out all the liquid in my body! I've gotta get out of here! ( Yelling ) He's delirious! He has the strength of 10 men!
- What do we do?
- Kirby, sit on him!
- Okay.


- I'm good!
- ( Computer beeps )
- Ooh.

Good news! The whale pod has passed safely by.

I even have footage of them.


- Those aren't our whales.


- That's a scene from "free Billy.

" I've seen it like 20 times.

Makes me wanna cry every time.

( Crying ) I know, right? Both: Swim, Billy, swim! Forget it, Mr.

moseby.

We can hold out.

Our bodies are as strong as our resolve.

Lightheaded.

Come on, kids! This has gone on long enough! That's it.

I'm coming in.

Oh! Man, I wish shoulder pads were still in fashion.

A few more steps ought to do it.

( Yelling ) Okay, that's gonna hurt.

Kirby, what are you doing? This has gone on long enough.

Your health is more important than the whales.

You fainting, you cracking up, and I'm pretty sure Marcus drank my sweat.

I think I'm getting a second wind.

There it goes.

Okay, that's it, kids.

This is over.

Mr.

moseby, please.

Just do us one favor
-
- watch this video.

And if you still want us to leave afterwards, we will.

( Clicks ) Narrator: The blue whale, nature's gentle giant of the deep.

Once they were plentiful until man hunted them for their oil
-rich insides.


- ( Cannon fires )
- Shame on you, mankind.

Shame.

That's very touching, but you still need to leave.

( Kids sigh ) Well, we tried, guys.

I guess you can't fight the man.

I just wanted to make a difference in the world.

It's a shame.

Their voices may be silenced forever.

If my publicist calls, I was taken kicking and screaming.

But not really, because I'm kinda tired.

You know, those big guys are really starting to grow on me.

I kinda like you too, fella.

( Clangs ) Mr.

moseby, what are you doing? I said you have to leave, but I don't! And it's not Mr.

moseby.

It's ( Laughs )
- Mr.

purple.


- ( Cheering )
- ( Whales singing )
- You know, thanks to Mr.

moseby down in that engine room, our whales are safe.

Oh, look! It's Bailey
-whaley! And Cody
-blowholey! Look, they're holding flukes.

Shh! I'm picking up a whale song.

Oh, I think I hooked one.

( Grunting ) ( Splashes ) I can just download a whale song.

Which one's mine? Where's little Zack att*ck? I believe yours is the one back there nudging against those female whales.

That's my special boy.

Nuh
-uh.

You tell Zack att*ck to stay away from my little kirbina at least till he has a good education and a job.

( Moseby yelling ) Mr.

moseby, what are you doing out of the engine room? Can't take the heat? Captain lunsford has capitulated.

You cut off his head?! No.

He's agreed to leave the engines off until the whales have safely passed by.

Apparently Mr.

tipton was thrilled with all the good publicity London's been getting
- for trying to save the whales.


- All right!
- Great!
- Yeah, it probably made them forget that he just clear
-cut a rainforest the size of Texas.

Oh, look! There's moseby d*ck!
- Hello, son!
- ( Whale blows ) Thank you.

I needed that.


- Yeah!
- There he is.