02x21 - Marriage 101

[bunniefuu]

All right, buddy, you can do it.

Now when I say go I want you to put everything you've got into it, okay? All right.

And go! ( Cheering ) Oh, did he say go? I guess I should start pushing now.

Wow, is that your hardest? That's not very hard.


- ( Shrieks )
- Crowd: Ooh! In your face.

Dude, you just got b*at by a girl who can fit in a keyhole.


- ( Bell rings )
- Hello, class.

Woody, what are you doing on the floor? Uh, looking for his pride.

Uh, can't find it.

Ooh, but I found a piece of gum.

Okey
-dokey then.

So in social studies this week we're gonna do something a little different.

You sit in one of these chairs while we bore you to death? Wow, 9:02 and I'm already sad.

Now this assignment is going to be worth half your grade.

But everyone will have a partner.

All: I pick Cody! And the two of you will become a married couple.

Ew! What, no one wants to marry me? You get used to it.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Both: Would you marry me? Of course I will.

You've made me the happiest person in the world.

Addison, would you be my wife? Oh, it's gorgeous.

And it's delicious.

I have to call my family.

My sister will be so jealous.

She's been looking for Mr.

right since kindergarten.

Of course she's only in third grade now.

Was that a yes? I don't know.

I just heard a buzz.

You know, London, I'm not really into this whole marriage thing.

But what do you say you be my sugar mama and I'll tell you you're the smartest girl I ever met? ( Gasps ) You'd lie for me? All right, class, now over the next two weeks you will learn what it's like to be married.


- What do you know about marriage?
- Well
- Have you ever been married?
- No, but
- Has anyone ever proposed to you?
- I will have you know
- When was the last time you were even on a date?
- Stop it, stop it! I mean, moving on.

Now it's a fact that nearly half of U.

S.

marriages end in divorce.

The other half limp along in uncomfortable silence.

But this is because people often don't realize how hard it is to share a life with another person.

Pfft! My daddy's great at marriage.

He's done it eight times.

Okay.

Now everyone pick a card out of this bowl to determine your career.

Astronomer.

Duh.

Ooh, hand model.

Ugh, with those badger claws? Teacher.

Ugh, who can live on that tiny salary? Yes, my dream job! Hot
-dog vendor.

All right, my turn.

Ooh, sanitation engineer.

Cool, I'm an engineer.

That means garbage man.

Cool, I drive a truck that crushes stuff.

Who's Brian surgeeon?
- It says brain surgeon.


- Oh.

And even though this is pretend, that makes me nervous.

Okay.

Um, why don't you be a housewife?
- Can I be a mansion wife?
- Sure.

( Squeals ) Our marriage is going great, isn't it, Bailey bunny? It sure is, Cody kitten.

You two should be spayed and neutered.

Zack, I need you to sign this pre
-nup.

I don't sign anything without Cody reading it first.

He doesn't need to read it.

It's just a contract that says if we get divorced I get to keep all my money and you get to keep whatever you can fit into this hobo sack.

What? I'm not interested in your fake money.

Did I mention there's a signing bonus with real money? Initials, signature, d.

N.

A.

Sample.

( Spits ) So what should we do today, money
-
- I mean, honey? We're going shopping to get you new clothes.

What sizes do you need? and a 65" tv.

Done.

Addison, I love being fake married to you.

Thanks, sweetie.

But it's our honeymoon.

Do you really have to work? I'm not working.

This is my lunch.

Want a bite? Hi, miss tutweiller.

Sorry I was out sick the other day.

I heard you were in the infirmary.

Yeah, I put on a pair of Zack's socks by mistake and had a little fungus situation.

So what's been going on? Everybody got married.

Wow, you miss one day.

Don't worry, Marcus, I will find something for you.

( Bell rings ) Wow, Zack.

You look great.

Sorry to break your hearts, ladies, but I'm off the market.

Yeah, get your own trophy husband.

I'm a trophy husband.

So, class, how are all your marriages going? ( All talking ) Woody is the perfect husband.

He buys me lots of candy jewelry.

See, I have a ring for every finger
-
- strawberry, orange, watermelon, cherry.

My tongue looks like a rainbow, doesn't it? Doesn't it? No more candy bling for Addison.

I am happy to hear that you are all enjoying the honeymoon phase.

Unfortunately, that phase doesn't last forever.

Sometimes it does.

( Giggling ) And sometimes you realize the person you're in a relationship with isn't who you thought they were.

Like sometimes you think that someone's a great guy and then you find out that his business trips are to visit his girlfriend in pacoima, and another one in dubuque and another one in Pittsburgh.

I mean, I should have known.

What kind of crossing guard takes business trips? Anyway, the point is relationships have their ups and downs.

Presenting the wheel of Please say cheese.

Please say cheese.

Life.

Dang it.

Now each couple will spin and adapt their marriage to whatever fate has in store.

Who wants to go first?
- Oh, we do, we do!
- Okay.

You go, honey.

Big money, big money.


- Oh!
- "Career change.

" Oh, looks like Zack is getting a new job.

Thank goodness.

I won't be married to a garbage man anymore.

So you quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of joining the circus.

Lucky.

Woody, Addison, you're up.

Oh oh oh oh, can I spin? I love to spin.

Sometimes I spin round and round till I get dizzy and throw up.


- Watch.


- No no no.

"Family.

" Congratulations.

You have a child.

Marcus, meet your parents.

Oh! We have a baby? How did this happen? Sorry, that's a different class.

Oh, mommy loves you so much! All right, Cody, Bailey, you're up.

I hope we get job transfer.

Maybe to Tokyo.

It would be a great chance to practice our Japanese.

Nihon ha subarashii kuni desu.


- So desu ne.


- ( Giggles ) Hello, wheel.

Ooh, "injury.

" Oh dear, Cody.

You broke both your legs on the job and you're bedridden.

( Laughing ) Okay, honey, I've finished all your laundry.


- Light starch?
- Of course.

( Chuckles ) You did not just put my sweater on a hanger.

Sorry, sweetie.

I'm doing my best.

Uh, honey, can I have another sip of juice? More juice? You've had a lot.

And I don't really like where that's headed.

Okay, I guess I'll get it myself.

( Groaning ) Mouth so dry.

I can't reach.

You know, it's funny how thirsty you seem to get when you haven't even walked or done anything.

( Gasps ) I'm doing something.

I'm telling you how to do the laundry.

Yeah, I really enjoyed the sock folding video.

Um, I'm feeling a little chill.

Can you grab me a blanket? Sure, sweetie.

How's that? Nice and toasty.

Can you tuck me? Anything else? Maybe a foot rub or fresh shrimp cocktail? Oh, that sounds nice.

( Mocking ) "Oh, that sounds nice.

" Ah ah! Too tight tucking.

Oh, let me fix that for you.

Ah! You really should vacuum down here.

And my little Marcus is already reading.

Wow! He's 16.

Still, that's impressive.

Well, I can also tie my own shoe.

Why do you think miss tutweiller called us up here? I don't know.

Welcome to "couples' challenge.

" Contestants, take your seats.


- ( Music playing )
- ( Applause ) Ahem.

( Groans ) Ow! Okay, let's get started.

Oh, wait wait.

My husband isn't here.

( Horn squeaking ) Howdely doodely, kids.

Zacko the clown is here.

( Laughs ) Sorry I'm late.

I was coloring my hair.

( Laughs ) Okay, good marriages are based on partners knowing and understanding each other.

So when I ask a question you each will write down your answer and we'll see how well your answers match with your spouse.

Spouse means the person you're married to, not a cross between a spider and a mouse.

The first question is for Cody and Bailey.

Cody and Bailey, who wears the pants in the family? Bailey? Well Not Cody.

Because despite the fact that I wash, iron and starch Cody's pants, he only wears pajamas.

Okay.

Cody? Uh, I left it blank.

You see, the question is unclear.

Technically pants is an abbreviation for pantaloons, which no one wears these days.

I think the appropriate term would have been slacks, trousers, or even britches.

( Laughs ) Britches.

Okay, no points for Cody and Bailey.

The next question is for Woody and
-
-
- ( honks horn )
- ( Screams ) ( Laughs ) ( Honks ) Okay.

The next question is for Woody and Addison.

Woody and Addison, how many kids would you like to have? Addison? Well, considering how fantastic Marcus is, I'd like to have a lot of kids, like five, six, seven, eight.

( Gasps ) They could join a boy band.

Unless I had girls, in which case it'd be a girl band or a combo group like the partridge family.

So a big family.

That's sweet.

Woody?
- Zero?
- I love you too, dad.

Okay, next question is for Zack and London.

Zack and London, what is the last book your spouse read?
- Let's skip that one.


- Okay.

Okay, what is the single most important thing in a successful relationship? London, what did you write? I drew a picture of me! Aren't I pretty? Moving on.

Zack, let's see your card.


- ( Screams )
- ( Laughing ) Whoa! And it's all tied up at zero.

Back to couple number one.

This is an emergency.

I've taken you to the bathroom enough times already.

Just hold it in.

Cody and Bailey, if a relationship is like a cake, you need a cup of sweetness, a tablespoon of respect
- and a sprinkle
-
-
- please don't say sprinkle.


- ( Breathing heavily )
- If you have to go to the bathroom so badly, just get up and go.

I'm sick of doing everything while you sit there whining and criticizing.

I wouldn't have to criticize you if you did things right.

You mixed up my soup and my bedpan.

Not that the soup you made was any better.


- ( Gasps )
- ( Zack laughing )
- That's it.


- Ow! You go, sister.

Kick him to the curb.


- Who needs husbands?
- Ow, that hurt.

Ow, that hurt more.

( Screams ) Oh no you didn't.


- Marcus, help!
- I'm coming, mama! Oh dear, stop.

Stop it! Anyone who throws another pillow will get an f for the rest of the semester.

Eh, I've got nothing to lose.

Bailey! ( Screams ) That's it.

If this is how you're going to treat me when we're really married, then I don't think we have a future.

I agree.

Thank you, miss tutweiller, for saving me from wasting my life with the black hole of need.


- Ow!
- You're welcome.

Bailey, are you okay? I'm fine.

I guess Cody and I weren't meant to be.

It's better that I find out now.

Oh.

How did you know that was there? Oh, this is where I come to cry too.

You know, because I have allergies.

I just thought Cody was the one.

But I feel like I was giving more than he was.

Look, Bailey, the whole point of this assignment was to show you guys that relationships are about compromise, give and take, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

I should have been a little more sympathetic to Cody.

Oh, well Look, Bailey, I have rarely seen a couple as perfectly matched as you and Cody.

I mean, don't let this little disagreement break you up.

I mean, you're young now.

But before you know it, you're gonna be a lonely old maid whose mother is calling her every 15 minutes trying to set her up with the loser sons of her bingo buddies.

( Sobbing ) I think your allergies are acting up again.

Mm
-hmm.


- I'm sorry, Bailey.


- No, I'm sorry.

Oh oh! ( Sobbing ) You were right.

I was whiny.

But I should have been more sympathetic.

I promise you, if I ever really break my legs, I would crawl to the ends of the earth to make you happy.

( Sobbing ) He would crawl.

Cody, I'll never find anyone as good as you.

I'll never find anyone as good as you either.

And I'll never find anyone! These are beautiful, Cody.

( Laughs ) ( Honks )
- Zacko!
- Whoa! So the couples' challenge didn't go exactly as I expected, but I hope you all learned something.

I think we learned that marriage isn't easy.

Yes, though it can be great, you shouldn't enter into it lightly.

I learned that I may actually have a career as a clown.

( Laughs ) ( Honks ) Yeah, about that.

Daddy isn't happy I'm married to circus folk.

That makes zacko sad.

( Sobs ) ( Laughs ) Whoa
-oh! These are daddy's lawyers.

And I am not leaving this room until Zack and I are divorced.

Miss tutweiller, will you please tell London that we weren't really married so we don't really need a divorce? Oh well, then that was easy.

I guess you guys can forget about paying Zack that whole million
-dollar alimony settlement.

Wait, what? That wasn't me.

That was the clown talking.

By the way, one of those lawyers is single.

Oh, London, don't be ridiculous.

The cute one?
- Does it matter?
- Not really.

Class dismissed!