02x25 - Seven Seas News

[bunniefuu]

All right, class.

This week we will be docking in Germany and visiting the black forest, the setting of many famous fairy tales.

Ooh! I like "cinderella.

" The way the sweet stepsisters make that poorly
-dressed girl sweep up, then lock her in the attic? ( Laughs ) Although after that the story just kind of goes downhill.

Tell me about it.

They're all about young pretty girls getting swept off their feet by prince charming.

But that actually never happens! It happened to me.

What?! Who is the guy? It's you, dumbelina.

Oh.

Oh! Well, don't worry, miss tutweiller, someday your prince will come.

Oh, I hope so.

I'm tired of kissing frogs and guys that still live with their mothers and tell you they love you and then get married to your sister! Didn't we study this last week? Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Now before we read the fairy tales, we need to understand the context of the patriarchal society in which they originated.

If we construct a timeline, what we find ( Fades out ) ( Laughs ) Mirror, mirror, on the ground, who is the most beautifulliest in the town d? Mirror: You, of course.

And I'm not just saying that 'cause you sign my paychecks.

Mirror, I love you.

Uh, hold that thought.

I hate to say this, but she's prettier than you.

La da da da, da da da.

( Bird twitters ) Fly away, my friend.

What?! Mirror, you are cracking up.

If it's any consolation, you have a nice personality.


- ( Gasps )
- ( Mirror laughs ) I do not! And I have absolutely no friends to prove it.


- You, hunter, come here.


- Good day.


- You're looking well, queen.


- Duh.

Hunter, I want you to find a girl.

( Groans ) You sound like my mother.

I mean, hunt her down and bring me her head.

I don't think I have a license for that.


- Just do it.


- All right.

How will I find this girl? She has the face of a goblin, hair like a witch's broom and skin as sickly pale as a vampire's tushy.

Got it.

I don't see anyone like that, just that gorgeous girl over there.


- Oh, that's her!
- Okay! ( Sweetly ) Oh, hello.

Oh, hello.

You must be one of those dwarves I hear run around these woods.

I am not! I am of average height for this century! Oh, right.

Would you like to help me pick flowers? The roses are in bloom.

Come! ( Gasps ) Wonderful, you have a Kn*fe! There you
-
- careful.

That's sharp.


- Someone could get hurt.


- Ah.

( Sniffs ) Oh! ( Chuckles ) Ooh.

Lovely.

Boop! Oh, boop! ( Giggles ) Oh, look, the queen wants me to get rid of you.


- ( Gasps )
- But I don't even want to be a hunter!
- Oh, good for you!
- I wanted to be a musician, but my father was all, "that's not music.

That's noise!" And I was all, "you don't understand me, man!" Check this! All right.

I'll check this.

( Plays rock riff ) Wow.

That is really
- Original.


- Thank you! Look, I'd love to help you, but the queen must think that you are dead! Oh! Oh, that's good.

( Chuckles ) But I was thinking more of the running
-away
-and
-hiding sort of thing.

Right.


- And go.


- Oh! ( Knocks on door ) Hello? Is anybody here? ( All scream ) Who the heck are you? My name is snow white
-
- I mean, snow Goldstein.


- I'm lazy.


- I'm sloppy.

And I'm Just crashing here until I can find my own place.

You want to wait till we get to the mine before you start digging? Okay, but there's a mother
-lode up there.

Um, aren't there supposed to be seven of you? You're thinking of the seven stuck
-up jerks who live next door.

Yeah, you do one movie and you think you're hot stuff.

Anyhoo, I was looking for a place to stay, but I see this lovely cabin is occupied.

( Trills ) Not so fast.

Maybe you could stay if you do a little cooking, maybe some cleaning.

What do I look like? The maid? You will when you wear the little uniform.

Is the deed done? Of course, my queen.

I brought you her head as proof.


- Yup, that's her!
- Aha! Sheesh, thank goodness she never asked me who's the smartest in the land.

Okay, here we go.

Mirror, mirror, in the woods, now who's really got the goods? Oh, what does it matter what I think? It's just one mirror's opinion.

Tell me or I'll kick the shards out of you.


- Oh, you are evil.


- Oh stop.

Okay okay.


- It's snow white.


- ( Gasps ) She's still alive and she's playing house with some dwarves.

Oh, I hate myself.

What?! I've been tricked by that hunter and whoever this girl was.

La da da da, da da da.


- Bye, snow.


- Bye, snow.

It's off to
-
- well, you know.

( Quaivery voice ) Hello, my not
-at
-all pretty.

Well, hi.


- Do I know you?
- No.

I'm just an old woman who lives in the neighborhood.

Oh.

You don't look that old.

I've had a little work done.

I brought you a little housewarming gift.

Ooh, an apple.

Thank you.

Mmn! Yummy! It doesn't taste funny, maybe a little poisony? No.

It's delicious.

Darn! Wrong apple.

Can I see that for a second? But of course.

All I'm saying is that farty should not be working in the mine, all right? Whoa.

Babe passed out on our floor.

Man, it's like a Jonas brothers concert around here.

Come on, hurry up.

Hurry up.

Come on.

Come on.


- Right here, right here, right here.


- Oh, wait wait wait.

Aww.

Okay.

( Playing rock song ) Huzzah! ( Mimicking crowd applause ) Thank you, thank you.

Well, that was really original.

You should hear the whole band
-
- beauty and the beastie boys.

What the
-
- she's beautiful.


- ( Spray hisses )
- ( Screams ) My eyes! What were you doing? Trying to wake you up with a kiss.

Ever heard of "hey, wake up"? A thousand pardons, beautiful maiden.

You're forgiven.

You are kind of charming.

So, uh, you want to live happily ever after? You know, once I get my eyes checked.

'Kay.

( Giggles ) Mirror, mirror, on the stand, don't make me grind you into sand.

You're the prettiest.

No contest.

You're hot like dragon's breath.

Really? Thanks.

Well, I try to take care of myself
-
- exercise, eat lots of fruits and veggies.

Uh
-oh.

( Thuds ) I love a happy ending.

( Laughs maniacally ) Tutweiller: But themes of abandonment continued in fairy tales because peasants were so poor they often couldn't afford to feed their families.

Fairy tales from many different cultures throughout history were often used as ( Fades out ) Come on, kids.

Keep up! I hate walking.

Can't we just stay home and watch some tv? "Old woman in the shoe plus eight" is on.

Too much tv will rot your brain, hansel.

Can it, gretel.

How many times have I told you I prefer to be called Greg?! Hey, look, it's not my fault mom wanted a girl! Now now, let's not bicker! It's a beautiful day! It's wonderful to be out here taking a walk deep in the woods with my two favorite boys, huh? I'm hungry.

I can't imagine why.

You've already eaten me out of house and home.

( Chuckles ) You have bread and you're throwing it on the ground? I'm leaving a trail just in case we get lost.


- What happened to your compass?
- I lost it.

Hey, look! The emperor has no clothes! So long, suckers.

Father?
- Father?
- See? This is why I wanted to leave a trail.

( Chittering ) Hey! Hey! Shoo! Shoo, squirrel.

Get! Get out of here, you.

Get! Shoo! ( Screams ) I like your hat.


- It's all yours.


- ( Chitters ) ( Chuckles ) Wow.

Tough forest.

Hello? See? I told you
-
- an empty house.

Made of candy! Score! Ooh ooh! Oh, mmn.

Delicious.

That's not very healthy.

Maybe we should keep walking and see if we can find a house made of tofu.

Oh, yeah yeah, man.

Good idea.

Okay, you look for that and I'll stay here and warn any passing kids about the dangers of tooth decay.

Hello, children.

( Cackles ) Oh, is this your house? I'm sorry if we were disturbing you.

Oh, not at all.

( Cackling ) Look at you poor, skinny children.

Well, you're welcome to stay here and eat whatever you like.

Awesome.

And later, I'll do the same thing.

Mmn.

Mmn, maple! Hansel, I've got a bad feeling about her.

Why? 'Cause she has a witch hat and a big warty nose? Who cares? She's my new sugar mama.

Coming, mama.

Ah, delicious.

I mean, delightful.

I can't believe you ate the toilet.

Yeah.

I probably should've saved that for last.

Sorry, gretel.

It's "Greg.

" And you should really cut down on the sweets.

I find that eating in moderation and daily exercise is the key.

Oh, yeah.

About that? I also ate your treadmill.

That wasn't made of candy.

That explains why I have the runs.

( Chuckles ) ( Wheezes ) There's got to be something around here I can use to make a salad.


- Hi there.


- ( Shrieks ) Ahh! Why does that pie have a face?! Greg: I don't know! Although, she is a cutie
-pie.


- Hello.


- ( Giggles ) Dude, you're flirting with pastry.

Yeah? Well, you're flirting with hypertension.

Listen, you two are in grave danger.

The woman who lives here is a witch who fattens kids up before she bakes them into pie.


- We've got to get out of here!
- Yeah! ( Panting ) I'm stuck! Come here! You just had to eat the coffee table.

But it was coffee flavored.

( Witch cackling ) Oh no, the witch is coming back.

( Shrieks ) Oh oh! I need food! What's going on here? Both: Nothing.

( Growls ) Hello.

Have you been snooping in my pantry?! What talking pie? You're not meaty enough to bake into a pie, but I can boil your bones and turn you into a yummy broth.

Or
-
- or
-
- and I'm just spitballing here
-
- maybe make something without kid in it? No! ( Shrieks ) Biting people is not nice! Says the woman who baked me into a pie.

( Groans ) I've got you now! ( Both yell ) Oh, get off me, humpty
-dumpty! Not until you promise to stop cooking with kids.

Never! It's my only joy in life.


- No wonder she's single.


- ( Witch groans ) You ungrateful little morsel! ( Groaning ) What did you say?! I'm just saying that maybe you're using kid pie to fill some kind of void in your life! Well, I guess I am kind of lonely.

I just kept that pie around so I'd have someone to talk to,
- but she's mean!
- Kid cooker! You know, prince charming wanders these woods all the time just trolling for babes.

Yeah, but he's not looking for a babe who's a troll.

Oh, he's a prince.

He's not interested in a witch like me.

Aw, you're not a witch.

You're a hag at worst.

You know what? You just need a makeover
-
- you know, style that hair, shave that mole, maybe a mani
-pedi.

Hansel, take her feet.

Can't we just push her in the oven? ( Wolf whistle ) Do you really think I look pretty?
- Gorgeous.


- Stunning.

Ugh.

Quick, someone eat my eyes.

Shut your pie hole.

So who'd you fix me up with? Prince charming?
- Close.


- Oh.

( Whistles sharply ) Ready, toots? Okay.

So where are you taking me? Someplace dark.

Well, goodbye.

Tutweiller: Now by the end of the 18th century, after years of women being treated like cattle, we finally saw the birth of feminism.

Jack?! Jack?!
- What?
- I need you to go to the market and sell our cow.

You're calling me a cow? We need the money for food.

What's wrong with hamburger? Hey, keep your hooves to yourself.

Come on, moo
-ove.

Oh, ha ha ha.

I've never heard that one before.

My feet are tired.

I'm really thirsty.

Sure could use a glass of milk.

Don't even think about it.

Just hurry up and sell me already.

All right, come on.

Let's go.

Psst psst.

Hey.

Kid, wanna buy some beans? Sorry.

Wrong side.

Beans? What kind of idiot do you think I am? But these are magic beans.

In that case, deal! She's all yours.

You're gonna need this.

Cool.

Mom's gonna love these.

You traded our cow for these beans?! In retrospect, I guess I should've traded her for a helmet.

( Groans ) You know, they are magic beans.

Oh, yeah.

They made our food budget disappear.

Look, there is no such thing as magic beans! ( Loud crackling ) Wow.

Glad that didn't happen while it was in my pocket.

Oh, well, I guess we can eat green beans for the rest of our lives.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

What? No no no.

I'm gonna climb up there and see if there's a food court.

I'll be right back.

Yeah? That's what your father said.

Wow, what a view from up here.

Yay, supper! Please let it not be beans.

( Donut squeaks ) Plastic? Oh, this is some kind of massive Dollhouse.

But who would have one this giant? Giant: Fe fi fo fum! I smell the blood of a hooligan! Uh
-oh.

( Sniffing ) I could've sworn I smelled hooligan.

I think I'm getting a cold.

( Sneezes loudly ) ( Retches ) Ugh.

He should cover up that honker.

Woman: Honker? Are you talking to me? Over here! Honk! Oh, a goose.

Now we're talkin'.

Hey, want to come to my place for dinner? ( Gasps ) Sure! What are we having? Pizza? I love pizza.

Honk! Actually, I was thinking a nice goose liver pât.

Ooh, that sounds delic
-
- wait a minute.

Ow! Honk! Does it look like me? Wow, a golden egg!
- Mm
-hmm.


- Uh, that does not belong to you.

And just what are you supposed to be? Stop it.

That tickles.

I'm a harp.

And you're not supposed to be here.


- Mind your own business.


- Ow! Quit playing me! Fe fi fo fanky! Where did I leave my pocket hanky? Thief! Thief! Thief!
- Where?
- There! Honk! You! You're trying to steal my goose and my harp?! Actually, just the goose.

The harp is annoying.

You dare steal from a giant?! You're kind of short for a giant, aren't you? I happen to be 60' tall! Okay, 59 1/2.

What's with the doll house? It's For my niece.

If you are through talking, I am going to smash you to bits
- Yeah!
- With my harp! What?!
- Both: Help help!
- Oh! There's a giant after us! Oh, please.

This is just like the time you cried wolf.

No, really, he lives up there and he's got some kind of goose that lays golden eggs! Yeah right.

Honk! Oh.

Hurts, doesn't it? Fe fi fo fum! I'm going to eat you all up! Yum! It is a giant! Why did you lead it back here? Stop smacking me! I am just trying to wake you up, hoping this is all a dream! Wait.

Maybe I could help.

( Playing hypnotic notes ) Tutweiller: Which is when the brothers grimm wrote them all down in a book.

Giant.

Yes, Zack, a giant book! But don't worry.

There are lots of pictures.

Don't smack me.

Oh, Zack, though I often wish I could, the school board will not allow it.

( All snoring ) Oh.

I put my entire class to sleep.

Well, that leaves me 20 minutes to go get a pedicure.

My feet are gettin' kind of gnarly.

( Chuckles ) ( Theme music playing )