03x07 - Computer Date

[bunniefuu]

Ah, cody
-
- just the person I wanted to see.

I met this annoying girl in the teen lounge last night.

She's a boring, mousy little geek.

So? So I got her number for you.

Why can't you understand that I'm just happy being alone? Can't you see how happy I am? Yes, I think you just spit some of your joy in my eye.


- Hey, guys.


- Hey look, it's arwin.

Arwin, hey, what's up? Well, actually, me.

I'm on mr.

Tipton's helicopter.

I'm coming to visit you guys.

Awesome.

When are you coming onboard? Now! What? We're in the middle of the ocean.

Never fear.

I'm using a new device I invented for mr.

Tipton.

It can safely eject you anywhere
-
- You know, for tax evasion purposes.

I'm basically in a giant rubber ball.

Arwin, that sounds kind of risky.

Oh, it's time to go.

Okay, here we go.

Five, four, three, two, one! Arwin, are you okay? Sure.

This thing's totally waterproof.

Mommy! oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Arwin, always happy to see you.

But here's a thought
-
- maybe next time You should just walk up the old gangplank.

Are you kidding? Those things are death traps.

Oh.

Arwin, so great to see you.

Hey, guys.

Your mom shows me pictures of you all the time, But you can't hug a picture.

Well, you can, but the paper cuts are nasty.


- Oh, arwin!
- London!
- Yay! Eww!
- Sorry.

You're here to rescue me from the stupid sea school.

So long, suckers.

Let's go, let's go.

Actually I'm not here to rescue you.

Rats.

So, arwin, what brings you here Besides, you know, a giant bouncy ball? Well, mr.

Tipton has given me a very important job.

Agh! I have created a super computer That's going to automate the entire ship.

So now the "ss" in "ss tipton" Is going to stand for "smart ship.

"
- Wow.


- Awesome.

Uh
-oh.

I'm gonna name it cal.

That must stand for computer
-automated logistics.

Nah, I just like the name.

Oh! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a fiddler crab in my underpants.

And he's fiddlin'.

Zack, we're in trouble.

We need your help.

Okay, step one
-
- deny everything.

Step two
-
- if they don't believe step one, Blame your twin.

No, we need you to tutor us.

Wow, you guys must be really desperate.

Not that kind of tutoring.

We're both failing gym.

You'd think my shopping spree in paris would count.

I gave my credit card quite the workout.

And coach told me I don't get credit for crying And rocking back and forth while being pelted with dodge balls.

Apparently we can still pass if we take some kind of health and fitness test.

We're only lacking two things
-
- health And fitness.

I'm telling you it's all bailey's fault.

But somehow I'm the jerk for planning the perfect anniversary While she cavorts with some french guy.

Ah, women.

Too bad they don't come with clear instructions Like these.

What am I going to do, arwin? I'll never find another girl who I can relate to On an emotional and intellectual level the way I did with bailey.

Well, time heals all wounds, cody.

It was the same thing with your mom, But eventually I saw that there was no hope for us
- And I moved on.


- You did? No, I still love your mommy! Maybe we should just focus on cal.

That's good idea, yes.

Okay.

So this system controls everything, From the engines to the toilets.

Oh, by the way, if you have any flushing issues, Just jiggle this knob right here.

I'll let woody know,
- If he ever flushes.


- Okay.

Okay, Let me introduce you to Cal! Operating systems are online.

I think cal might be a girl.

Well, a little adjustment here and
-
- Callie.

All right, ready to work out? I thought the walk here was the workout.

If you plan on passing p.

E.

, You need to do some basic exercise.

All right? So let's start with the treadmills.

Oh, this is hard.

I haven't even turned it on yet.

I meant standing up.

So far I'm very impressed with callie.

The engines are running The temperature of the pool changes based on the climate we're in, And it's as if the toilet knows you're done before you do.

I'll tell you what: If you like that, you're gonna love this.

See, callie controls every system on the ship, Including the gym equipment.

Watch this.

Callie, speed up treadmill two.

Speeding up treadmill.

What's happening? The floor is moving.

Whoa! What was that crunching noise? My spine.


- Arwin.


- Greetings, cody.

Callie, you know who I am? Of course.

Arwin programmed me to recognize all passengers onboard
- In order to serve them more efficiently.


- Wow.

You are intelligent, loyal, sensitive, And you have a fear of penguins.

They're birds who swim but don't fly.

That's weird, right? I agree.

Hey, cody.

Hey, callie.


- Hey.


- Greetings.

I just need to run a critical diagnostic.

Hmm.

Ooh, hot soup.

Hot soup.

Super hot.

Super hot.

You're welcome! Arwin doesn't always appreciate My personality matrix, but he loves my matzo balls.

Well, I think you're a remarkable piece of machinery
-
- A trillion terabytes, All wrapped up in a sleek titanium case
-
- whew.

Oh, go on.

You know, callie, if you were real, You would be the perfect girl for me.

Ugh, time for my towel shift.

Can't you stay here, cody? Trust me, I'd much rather hang out with you.

Wait, cody.

Take some matzo ball soup to go.

It couldn't hurt.

Thank you, callie.

All right, let's try some sit
-ups.

How the heck do you get out of bed? A series of pulleys.

All right, london, it's your turn.

London, wake up.

I had this weird dream That I fell asleep in a gym next to a walrus.

P.

E.

Is stupid.

How is this going to help us in life? Yeah, just like math
-
- who needs that? And english.

I already speak it goodly.

Okay, p.

E.

Is the one class That's actually worth something.


- All right, let's do some weights.


- Okay.

A little help.

A little help.

A little help.

Okay.

Okay.

Whoo! Hey, it's getting easier.

I must be in shape.

Oh, woody, you're up.

Yeah, zack's making us get up at dawn and run around the ship.

It's 11:00.

And that's as close to dawn as I ever want to get.

Cody, I see you're back.

Callie? I made you some brunch.

Callie, is that you? Yes.

I created this mobile unit So we could spend more time together.

Am I aesthetically acceptable? Absolutely.

You're amazing.

Thank you.

Dude, the computer's hot.

And so are the muffins.

Those are for cody.

From a thorough study of your dietary preferences, I knew to make your omelet with egg whites And your bacon extra crunchy.

Oh, I don't eat
- It's turkey bacon.

Well, I'll be darned.

Tonight, I thought we could take a walk on the deck in the moonlight And factor polynomials together.

That sounds really nice.

Hey, uh, We're supposed to see a movie in the ship's theater, remember? "2001," about that crazy computer Who takes over the ship and destroys everyone onboard.

That's my favorite movie, Although the beginning is kind of slow.

Sorry, callie.

Maybe another night.

You shouldn't have done that, woody.

Yeah? What are you gonna do about it, jerkbot? Agh! Agh! Okay, cody's all yours.

Okay, I guess I am done.

Arwin, sorry to interrupt you on your way to the pool
- Oh, I'm not going to the pool.

Okay.

Look, I need to
-
- No, I'm not doing that.

Look, I need to talk to you about callie.

There's something wrong with her juice bar function.

Hmm.

Here, let me check it out.

Callie, give me a tangerine tickle.

Okay.

Wow, that didn't tickle.

Something must be diverting callie's resources.

Now cody, with your skin tone, I suggest no more than with spf 50.

Thank you, callie.

You're the best.

Callie made her own mobile unit.

My creation made a creation.

I'm a granddad! Get the donut, get the purse.

Get the donut, get the purse.

Get the donut, get the purse.

Get the donut, get the purse.

Get the donut, get the donut.

Get the purse.

Come on.

It's the tongue snatcher.

What are you talking about? Callie, that devil bot.

That's a robot? I just thought it was a girl with really bad dye job.

Oh, she's a robot, and she crazy.

What do you mean? She likes cody.

That's ridiculous.

Nobody likes cody.

Even cody is not crazy about himself.

Well, callie likes him.

And I mean, likes him likes him.

Move so cody can sit down.

I know that tin can's not talking to me.

I said move.

And I am not tin.

I am titanium.

Ow ow ow ow ow! Sit down, cody.

I'll make you a snack.

Once again, I say she crazy.

That's impossible.

Computers don't have emotions.

Well, actually, the human brain is nothing more Than a series of electrical impulses and stored memories.

Given callie's neural capacity, It's quite possible that she could have developed feelings.

Cody, we're talking about a computer here.

It'd be like you started dating your calculator.

Actually, he did that in fifth grade.

We did not date.

We were just spending quality time together.


- You took her to a movie.


- To calculate the student discount.


- Then why'd you buy her popcorn?
- Never mind.

Cody's bizarre social life aside, Callie is supposed to be concerned with The operations of the ship, not making cody a snack.

I'm sure it's just a glitch, nothing a little tinkering won't fix.

Cody, let's go down to the computer room and check it out.

I knew handing over control of my ship To a glorified toaster oven was a bad idea.

I am not a toaster oven.

And you are a mess.

arwin! Okay, well, This report should tell us what's wrong with callie.

I don't see what everyone's complaining about.

So she spoils me a little bit.

Don't I deserve that for a change? I'm gonna have to concur with woody here
-
- She crazy.

"mrs.

Callie martin, mrs.

Callie martin, Mr.

And mrs.

Cody martin.

" Yeah, that's strange.

Mr.

Moseby, what's new? Let's see, They're serving clams casino in the neptune lounge.

Oh, yes, and agnes in communications
-
- she turns 45 today.

Oh, and what else? Oh, yes.

Your smart ship turned me into a mexican buffet! Do you come with guac? Oh!
- He started it.


- Did not.


- Did too.


- Did not.


- Did too.


- Did not.

I am powered by a nuclear fusion reactor.

I can literally keep this going forever.

Arwin, I need to speak to you alone.

What? Alone.

A loon? Yes, a loon Is precisely what you are.

Now get in the hall.

We'll just be in the hall if anybody needs
-
- Arwin! I am getting reports of malfunctions all over the ship.

You have got a chip on your shoulder.


- Huh?
- You have a chip on your shoulder.

I really could use some guac.


- Would you focus?
- Sorry.


- Look, I can fix her.


- It's too late for that.

You need to shut callie down.

Sure they're talking about a different callie.

They're trying to tear us apart, cody.

But don't worry.

Soon it will just be the two of us And all the annoying humans will be gone.

What do you mean by "gone"? Hey, cody, callie.

A beautiful day outside.

Nothing going on in the hallway though.

Just
-
- Don't do that, arwin.

Man, I really wish I didn't have a metal hip.

I'm starving.

You just ate a donut.

And my purse.

To be fair, it was once part of a cow.

Anyway, look, I have made it my personal mission To get you two through p.

E.

So let's start on the
-
- That's weird.

Not exactly workout music.

More like horror movie music.

Works for me.

All this exercise has been pretty scary.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm out of here.

Sorry, but I cannot let you leave.

Why not? Tennis, anyone? We need a shield.

We need a shield.

I sure hope callie doesn't take up bowling.

Callie, as your creator, I command you to stop this.


- No.


- Well, I tried.

It's okay, arwin.

Callie's right.

She and I belong together.

Thank you, cody.

Whoa, cody, listen, I get lonely too.

My best buddy is a face I draw on my left hand.

S'awright.

But this is not the way to go.

Yes, it is, arwin.

This is the only way to go.

Why are you talking like this? I'm saying I like callie, so lay off.

Oh, right.

Well, who am I to stand in the way of true love? Are you making fun of the way I speak? No.

And there go my fillings.

Callie, if you and I are going to be together, I need to just make a few teensy adjustments to your brain function.

Why? We aren't even married yet And you're already trying to change me.

No no, I just meant Maybe I could make you even more human.


- You think so?
- I know so.

Where do I access your higher motor functions? Third panel on the right.

Oh, cody, We're going to live happily ever after.

Cody, what are you doing? I can't move.

I'm sorry, callie, But I have to do this.

I'm shutting you down.

But why? We can make this work.

Our kids could have your looks and my circuitry.

That's a lovely thought, But it just isn't meant to be.

Cody, please don't do this.

I love youuuuu.

Hey, cody, you shut her down.

Great work.

Yeah, great.

It stopped.

Yay! For the next part of our workout, Can you guys jog me down to the infirmary? You know, I'm really going to miss callie.

Me too.

My vacation photos were on her hard drive.

Apart from trying to destroy everyone on the ship, She was a pretty great girlfriend.

She was attentive, understanding.

And do you know how hard it is to get turkey bacon crispy? Well, she got me pretty crispy too.

We're out of packing peanuts.

I don't want callie to get dinged during transit.

Oh, no.

She's come back online and locked us in.

We're doomed!
- Arwin.


- Yes?
- It's pull, not push.


- I knew that.

There you go.

Well, arwin, as usual, it's been interesting
- And painful.


- Just like old times.

Listen, I'm sorry about any trouble that callie might have caused.

At least it wasn't as bad as the time your automated laundry machines At the hotel sucked me into the dryers.

Aww, that's how you got so small.

No no.

On the bright side, thanks to callie, woody and I passed p.

E.

Yeah, the coach was in the gym yesterday And he saw everything we did
-
- running, dodging balls, Holding zack in the air for 30 minutes.

So everything worked out.

Well, I should be going.

The tipton one should be passing over any minute.

What is that? a giant magnet.

Arwin, that's never going to work.

Agh! Check it out! Whoo! Way to go, arwin.

One of your inventions finally worked.

Huh.

Oh! Faulty chin strap! Bring back the net!