05x08 - My Michelle Obama

[bunniefuu]

The stew smells delicious, Auntie. Mmm.

That is very kind, Bob.

Would anyone else like to praise me?

I cannot wait.

Wonderful.

Oh, thank you.

Why do you insist on doing
all the cooking yourself?

You have a legendary hostess

wasting away on your lumpy couch.

Yeah, let her help,

instead of sitting
here counting my beers.

Three.

It's Saturday and I'm not driving.

Auntie, maybe next week,

Mummy can help with some
of the preparations.

I will not waste my
talents cutting onions.

And I do not need help cutting onions.

What is wrong with you?

Nice try, honey.

My wife has always

prepared the family meal by herself.


a finger in that kitchen.

Have you ever actually tried to help?

I do not need your advice
navigating my marriage.

My dinners in Nigeria were
the talk of the village.

Mm-hmm.
You would wake us up at 5:00 a.m.

to season the meat for the stew.

You see? I fed everyone,

and I created wonderful
childhood memories.

Well, that was Nigeria.

This is Olu town.

I am just trying to make
your life easier, sister.

I do not need your help.

Understood.

Is something burning?

No.

I see. That is how you
want your food to smell.

["IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING]


Now that church is over,
it is time for the real miracle.

- My cooking.
- Oh.

It would be blasphemy
if it were not true.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Is there room for another pot?

Uh-uh, what is that?

If I cannot cook for my family,

I will cook for my church.

You made jollof?

I did.

But I made jollof.

You did.

All right, look, hot pot,
where we putting this?

Over there by the silverware.

- All right.
- No.

- It will go right here.
- Okay.

Bob, if you place that
jollof next to my wife's,

you and I will have a problem.

Fine, you deal with it.

Ow! Jesus has risen!

Forgive me, my love,
but I had no choice.

Just as I had no choice
but to show these people

which of us is the better cook.

You have challenged my
place in this church.

I rebuke you, demon.

Hello, blessed day to you all.

BOTH: Hello, Pastor.

[CHUCKLES] Uh, I'd shake hands,

but I have third-degree burns.

[LAUGHS] Sister Olu.

- Pastor.
- Joseph.

Ebun.

I brought my jollof.

How wonderful.

Mine is wonderful, also.

Ah.

My, uh, my rice bowl runneth over.

Brother Tunde,
may I have a word with you?

Ah. Enjoy your quibbling.

I have a one-on-one
with God's number two.

Have you no shame?

Shaking your jollof in his face.

The only one shaking is you.

Can you please stop arguing?

We're in the house of God.

Yeah, and it's just rice.

I don't know why I said that.

As you may know,
Deacon Edu has fallen ill.

I heard he cheated on his wife

and was asked to join
a different church.

He has fallen ill.

Ah.

- Pneumonia it is.
- [CHUCKLES]

I would like you to take
his place as deacon.

[GASPS] I would be honored.

And I promise, no scandals.

My hips and lips belong to Olu.

We can start you next Sunday.

Ah, I will work on my sermon.

The deacon does not give a sermon.

Wait till you hear it.

Would you care for some jollof?

If you prefer flavor,
you might like this one.

They are both good.

Just walk away, man.

_

There he is.

The sharp-dressed deacon.

I must say, I think it is a winner.

How's my back side?

Great.

You didn't even look, Bob.

I did not.

To think I was a lowly parishioner.

You've come a long way, baby.

What's a deacon do anyway?
Is that like a head usher?

That is like calling the
cardinal a head bishop.

Which would be... wrong?

As deacon,

I am the pastor's right
hand in all things.

I also help people find their seats.

Well, you look great.

And you're making me want jelly beans.

You should get something for yourself.

Eh, I got plenty of suits.

Ah, yes, but nothing that
says the deacon is your BFF.

What size are you?

I don't even know.

Last 20 years,
all my suits have been tailored.

Talk about a rich man's problem.

It's actually a fat man's problem.

A rich fat man.

Oh, my God.

It fits.

And your pants are
hanging nicely as well.

Unlike you, I am... [CHUCKLES]

...secure enough to look.

I haven't been this size since...

never.

You have worked very hard, Bob.

You should be proud.

I am.

I look in that mirror,
and I like what I see.

It is wonderful.

Don't do that, 'cause if you start,
I'm gonna start.

Ah, come here.

_

Ah. E kaale, Mummy.

Kaale, Abishola.

Ah, something smells good.

There was such a lovely
response to my jollof,

I thought I'd bring okra stew on Sunday.

Are you trying to take over
the whole church potluck?

No.

Just the dishes your auntie makes.

Mummy, please consider her feelings.

What about mine?

In Nigeria,

my house was the center
of every gathering.

There was always food and
many mouths to enjoy it.

You were the perfect host.

And now our home is just me,
you and white people.

I want you to know you
can host anytime you want.

You mean that?

Of course.

Perhaps a weekly dinner.

It could be as simple as you and Bob.

I just want to feel
like Mama Ebun again.

We can absolutely do that.

Thank you, you are a good daughter.

Saturdays are best for me.

But that is the night
Auntie Olu hosts our dinner.

Saturdays are best for me.

_

I can't believe you fell in love

with someone who could
fill this thing out.

What a fool I was to love
someone for who they are.

And now you can be shallow
'cause I'm hot.

Okay. Shut up and look pretty.

Ooh, I like that.

[LAUGHS]

I need a lie to tell Auntie

why we cannot have dinner
with her on Saturday.

Well, why do we need to lie?

Just tell her we're eating with Ebun.

Did you lose weight in your brain?

Fine. Well, let's, uh,
let's pick a fun excuse.

Ooh, how about a hockey game?

Mm-mm. That's not believable.

Going to a play would be a better lie.

Come on, I hate plays.

We're not really going.

Well, why can't we not go
somewhere I like?

Just tell your mom to
pick another night.

You don't think I've tried that?

I am sick and tired of this whole thing.

[WHISPERING]:
They are behaving like children.

[WHISPERS]: Your mother's not home.

If I disrespect her loud enough,
she will appear.

Forget it.

We will have dinner here with Mummy,

then we will go to
Auntie's and eat again.

Are they both making rice?
'Cause that's a lot of carbs.

Fine, you tell them who you love more.

Okay, fine, two dinners.

But when this thing fits me again,
that's on you.

_

It's official, I'm out of shape.

I can't eat two dinners anymore.

We have to or we'll
break Auntie's heart.

Look, do I have food in my teeth?

No, you're good.

How am I doing? [EXHALES]

[SNIFFS]

You smell like a giant oxtail.

Here.

[CHOKING]

What the hell?

What are you doing? That is perfume.

Well, I know that now.

_

How do you like your moi-moi?

Oh, it's as delicious as always, Auntie.

Then why aren't you eating it?

Oh, I am.

Mmm.

Are you a bird? Eat.

Yeah, eat. I finished mine.

Oh, don't worry, Bob.
There is plenty more.

Oh, Lord, thank you.

Anyone like to hear a Bible joke?

What did Noah say to Abraham?

What?

Nothing. They lived 1,000 years apart!
[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

It is hilarious because it is factual.

It-It is a little deacon humor.

You'll be hearing more of
that at church tomorrow.

And then we'll have to eat again.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Did you have dinner with your
mother before coming here?

Of course not.

I just wear perfume now.

Then why did she send a picture of Bob

eating her jollof with the caption

"This is Bob eating my jollof"?

Uh, let me see that.

That's not me, that's that AI stuff.

What is going on here?

We owe them the truth.

He had dinner with Mummy.

I was at a hockey game.

Really?

_

Ah, there is my purple king.

It is almost sinful how good I look.

[LAUGHS] I know it is
sinful what I am thinking.

Ooh. [LAUGHS]

Let me get my bag and we will go.

Did you not cook anything
for after the service?

[SCOFFS] The potluck is small potatoes.

I am a deacon's wife now.

Ooh. My Michelle Obama.

[LAUGHTER]

Besides, if Ebun makes a snide comment,

my hands will be free to smack her.

Well, surely you will not
fight in the church.

Eh, she is my elder.

I will let her swing first.

Well, maybe because
it is such a-a special day,

you can try and be the bigger person.

I have been the bigger
person for 60 years.

I have had enough.

Y-You are right, of course.

[SIGHS] Whatever happens,

at least I got to be
deacon for one Sunday.

Oh, my dear. It will not come to that.

Oh, thank goodness.

Unless she pushes me.

_

Eat, everyone. Eat from my bounty.

She seems pretty pleased
with herself over there.

If Olu was here,
she would drag Ebun out by her gele.

Is that why she did not come?

We agreed that if she is
going to as*ault your mother,

it should not be in the house of God.

I'm sure we didn't help.

Sorry about the whole
double-dinner thing.

Mm, we were just trying
to make everyone happy.

Instead,
you left a trail of destruction.

So, Deacon Tunde. How does it feel?

Lonely and hollow.

[LAUGHS]

Your uncle is a funny man.

Ooh! Has he told you the
one about Noah and Abraham?

Yes, very factual.

Tunde, some of the church elders and I

have an after-service tradition.

- And there is a cigar with your name on it.
- Ah.

I have been tapped.

I am a made man.

Whoopie.

I feel nothing.

I should not have lied to Auntie.

Hey, you tried your best to help.

But the two of them are
worse than Cain and Abel.

What, I can't make church jokes?

My, who knew how friendly
these people could be

once they are properly fed.

Mummy...

I am sorry your auntie
feels so intimidated

that she cannot even show her face here.

But I will not dim my light for anyone.

Why do you have to dim somebody else's?

Excuse me?

Auntie Olu is beloved in this church

and you have made her feel
unwanted and unwelcome.

She is just sensitive.
She has always been this way.

Maybe you could learn
some sensitivity from her.

Ah-ah. Do not speak to me this way.

I am not one of your buddies.

All right, look.
Maybe we should do what my family does

and fight in the car on the way home.

We are not fighting,
and I have nothing else to say.

You brought this on yourself.

With respect.

_

[KNOCKING]

E kaasan, Auntie.

Hello, Abishola.

Are you just coming from a hockey game?

May I come in?

Uncle looked very nice
in his suit today.

Of course he did.

He is my sexy muffin.

Now, what do you want?

I have informed Mummy

that we will be having dinner
with you next Saturday.

You should eat dinner with your mother.

Uh...

But we've always eaten with you.

Tunde and I have plans.

We are going out to meet other old,
lonely people

whose family have betrayed them.

Auntie, I know you are angry with me,

but that is no reason
to change tradition.

I'm not angry.
Your mother lives here now.

She is more important.

You're also important.

You took care of Dele and
me when we had no one.

We did. But now you no longer need us.

You are a matriarch as much as Mummy is.

Do you mean that?

Of course I do.

Thank you.

When we get old and it is
time to move into your home,

Tunde and I would like
the first-floor bedroom.

But that is Mummy's room.

Tunde and I would like
the first-floor bedroom.

_

I do not need help with dinner.

I am here to apologize.

Oh. Okay, come in.

My disrespectful daughter
made a few good points.

I am sorry if I made you feel

like I do not value your
place in this family.

Thank you, Sister.

When Abishola moved to America,

the only way I was
able to sleep at night

was knowing you were looking after her.

I was happy to do it.

For you and for her.

Thank you.

May I tell you a secret?

Of course.

I always put a stick
of butter in my jollof.

Ah-ah. Butter in jollof?

I know.
It spits in the face of our traditions,

but it is so damn good.

I will take your secret to the grave.

And to my pot.

Ah, Mummy, Auntie,

do you need help?

Stay out of the kitchen
while we are working!

Go and set the table!

Yes, Mummy.

They shouted at me together.

That's great, honey.

I was just thinking,

if we're all moving in together,

we're going to need a bigger house.

Well, who said
we were moving in together?

You may want to talk to your wife.