01x17 - The Majors

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music]

[all shouting
and grunting]

- Aah!
- [groans]

- O ares,
great god of w*r,

We thank you
for this glorious victory and--

Ares, you're here!

- Of course!

You fought bravely.

I wanted to come
congratulate you.

Army:
All hail ares!

- Yes, yes,
I'll take your praise

And whatever sacrifices
you want to make.

Just put them over there.

But first, form a circle
and take turns spanking me.

- I'm sorry. What?

- Form a circle and take turns
swatting my behind.

- Is this, like, a ceremony?

- You can call it
whatever you want,

But it's definitely happening.

Don't look away.

Your disgust is part of this.

- Ok.

Uh, all hail--

- Just get to it!

If anyone asks,
I didn't do this.

I did something normal.

- Ares!
[dolphin chitters]

What the hell are you doing?

- What?

[gavel banging]

- Ares, son of zeus,
god of w*r, civic order, and--

This I did not know--uncles,

We find you guilty of conduct

Unbecoming of an olympian.

- Oh, this is bullcrap!

Since when are we supposed to
be ashamed of what we're into?

- Didn't sound like
your worshippers were into it.

- That's what I'm into!

You all have your kinks.

You had sex with your brother.

You fell in love with a baby
and locked him in a box.

You turned a woman
into that flute you blow.

[flute music playing]

- The fact remains,
your thing is weird.

- Says the squid diddler.

- Darlene is an octopus!

[gavel banging]
- enough.

You are to be stripped
of your titles,

Removed from mount olympus,

And downgraded to a minor god.

Get him out of here.

- Oh, we're stripping titles?

I'll take battle lust.

- I'll take courage
if no one wants it.

- Oh, I love that for you.

Could I take w*r?

- I'm w*r too!

Both: w*r buddies!

- Ugh, I hate
that I'm enjoying this.

[dramatic lyre music]

♪ ♪

- Did you guys hear that--
all: We heard.

- It's on every vase in town.

They finally got
the old bastard for spanking.

- You knew?
- It was an open secret.

- Every soldier I know
has a story about ares.

Where do you think
we got the expression

"swat the butt of victory"?

- That's where that came from.

I thought it was just one
of your gibberish w*r cries,

Like the other one,
"let's bum slap the old man"--

Oh, yeah, I'm hearing it.

I'm putting it together now.

- So, mom,
there's an opening on olympus.

You gonna try to get back in?

- Why?
Because they kicked me out?

I don't care
that they kicked me out.

Maybe I kicked them out.

Did you ever bother to ask me
who kicked out whom?

Shlub, subject change.

- All right, I'm starving.

Where is our food?

And as a follow-up question,

Did our food
k*ll our staff again?

And as another follow-up,
may I eat them?

- No, the staff isn't dead.

People are just
leaving the city.

Yesterday three families
went back to the wilderness.

- Back to the wilderness?

Why would anyone do that?

- They said
it's because of the poop.

There's poop
piling up everywhere.

- Makes sense to me.

There's no better way
to mark your territory.

- Yeah, by the way,
I noticed your territory

Has expanded
to the hallway outside my lab.

- And if you want it back,
you know how to get it.

- I don't understand
why people aren't

Just taking care of their poo.

- Do you take care of your poo?

- Yes, I poo in a little box,
and kyle deals with it

So I don't have to touch it.

Thank you, kyle.

- I could make people
stop pooing.

- Mom, no.

Remember,
it makes them explode?

- Don't ask for pitches
and then poke holes in them.

Hole pokers receive no pitches.

- Tell that to ares.

[ground rumbling,
water rushing]

- [groans]
supercool--

[retching]

Supercool entrance.

- Oh, dear god.

- Oh, that's so nice.

I didn't know
if you'd remember me.

[chuckles]

You don't remember me.

I'm salt, your cousin.

We talked a couple
of thousand years ago

At orpheus
and eurydice's wedding.

I was the one who--
- smelled of seaweed.

I'm afraid I do
remember you after all.

- Salt?

- He's the god
who makes seawater pukey.

- Mm-hmm, I serve a crucial
role in the ocean biome.

- You give sailors diarrhea.

- That's my main power, yeah.

Anyway, I'm just
on the way up to olympus.

They're having a contest
to find the next olympian.

Maybe you could help me win it,

Give me some pointers
and advice.

- Mm, my advice is,
don't embarrass yourself.

It's a cool kids club.

Do you understand
what that means?

Of course you don't.
I rescind the question.

- I know what it means,

But shouldn't olympus
be better than that,

More inclusive?

I have a lot to offer.

- No one agrees.

- Well, we'll just see.

And supercool exit!

Whoa!
- [laughs]

That guy wants
to take ares' place?

- Who even prays to him,
algae?

- And krill.

Lovely creatures,
jewels of the ocean.

- Not so lovely
if you're a krill woman.

Their whole society
is built on sexism.

- Why do you have
to bring gender into it?

You kids ruin everything.

- You were stoked
when ares got canceled.

- It's called virtue signaling.

- Welcome, gods,
both major and minor.

- [coughing] minors suck.

- Yeah, ok, ok,
let's try to keep it godly.

- I don't really have a cough.

- Today we begin
the process of selecting

The next olympian.

And I want you all
to know that this

Is an entirely real contest.

We are definitely not staging
this whole thing just to...

[laughs]
laugh at minor gods.

[clears throat]
so let's meet our contestants.

- I am meticulus,
god of getting

Little things lined up in
the correct order or groupings.

Groupings and order?
Hmm.

Order or groupings.
[laughter]

- Oh, my.
- Ok, next.

- I am nocturnus,
god of nocturnal emissions.

[laughter]
- mm.

And how does one
become god of that?

- Honestly, it just happens.

[laughter]

- I'm jinx.

I'm the god of that thing
where two people

Say the same thing
at the same time.

[laughter]
I'm pretty fun.

Humans love me.

- Goddess of cups
and containers.

- Goddess of oranges
but just the rind.

- God of that thing where you
feel like you have a sneeze

But you never get there.

And I'm also the god
of when orgasms do that too.

[laughter]

- Now, you,
what's your minor deal?

- Uh, hi.

Uh, I'm salt, god of salt.

And I'm here because I believe

Olympians can be better.

Yeah, we can set the standard
for all the gods

As beacons of light,
wisdom, and harmony.

[laughter]

- Deliria, I'm glad
to see you made it

To this god replacement
competition

Since you couldn't
make it to your own.

You're not here to try
to get back in, are you?

- No, I would never
want back in

Because I have self-respect
and a brain.

- I love how you're making
yourself the hero of it.

Anyway, it doesn't matter
because we already know

Who we're going to choose.

- Hi, y'all.

I'm makenzus.

I'm goddess
of hats and accessories,

And I love jewelry
and going on boats

And horseback riding
with athena,

Who's, like, my best friend.

[giggles]
hi, thenie!

[foreboding music]

- Hippo, where are you on the--
- shh, shh! Not now.

It's almost done.

I call it mass media.

This could revolutionize
journalism.

- You should be
revolutionizing poo!

- Oh, so the guy who has
his own personal poo handler

Is ordering me to be everyone
else's personal poo handler.

- I'm the king.

If that doesn't get me
out of handling poo,

Then why did I even buy this
crown and call myself king?

- Well, I'm a supergenius.

This problem is beneath me.

- It's beneath everyone.

And I need it
to stop being that.

Both: You're so annoying!
Jinx!

- Hey, yo.

- Oh, jinx, you got us.
- [laughs]

Why do I love
when that happens?

- Thanks.
Yeah, it's just fun, right?

- It really is, even
in the middle of an argument.

It just reminds you not to take
everything so seriously.

- Thanks. Yeah, that's
what I was going for.

Both: Well, you nailed it.

[laughter]

- It's just always good.

Anyway, can you please
deal with the poo?

- Yeah, I'll take a look at it.

- Ok, so you rolled a pegasus,
so your guy's dead.

- Salt, I'm getting you in.
- You're gonna help me?

Was it because of my speech
about making things better?

- Did you give a speech?

No, it's because
those people

Shouldn't get
everything they want.

- That's right.

Why shouldn't one
of the good guys get in?

- Wrong takeaway, but we're
on the same side here.

I can't wait
to see athena's face

When one of you losers
moves in next door.

- To change things.

- Aw.

Now, stand up
straight and tall,

Shoulders back, chin out,
and ditch your friends.

- Huh?
- I'm taking salt.

You'll never see him again.
Minors suck.

- And hair and toga and armor.

There, you're looking
more olympian already.

Now let me see you walk.

The walk is important.

Chin up.

- Oop, I'm sorry.

- You're what?

- [clears throat]
I'm not sorry.

- Grow a pair!

- And watch
where you're going, mortal!

- Now, who are you?

- I'm salt--
- saltus.

- I am saltus,
god of ocean battles.

- Yes.

- Born from the briny depths
of the darkest sea.

Sailors fear me,

For I give life
or I bring death.

- Forgive me, o great salt.

- Now turn him into something.

- Huh?
- Zap him, like this.

- Flavius?
Flavius?

- I'm down here.

This is our reality now.

- Well, that seems
so mean and pointless.

- No argument here.

- The gods
you're trying to impress

Are mean and pointless.

They'll never respect you
if you're nice.

- But I am nice.

I want to be
the nice guy on olympus.

- I would love that.

- Once I get you in there,

You can be as nice
as you want.

Now ruin this man's life.

- So this is like
a training thing or--

- Keep going.

Get freaky with it.

- Because we could do it
as role-play

If that makes it easier.

It's easier for me.

- Well, now it's
just a giraffe.

Put some snake back in.

Perfect.

- Is it, though?

- Flavius, I can't do this.

I can't make it work
with you looking like that.

[sobs]

- Ok, she left me.

She only liked me for my body,

Which, you know,
is good to know.

- Got to say,
I surprised myself.

I ended up loving
this assignment.

- Really?
- It's cutting-edge science.

Let me take you
on a little journey.

These are my early attempts,
all variations on a theme.

The idea was to att*ck
the problem inside the body.

This is a standard
suction device.

This one goes in
through the throat.

This one was interesting.

I asked myself, what if you
could turn poop into gold?

The answer was no.

- I pooped gold once...

'cause I ate gold.

- Then I started working
on moving the pooper

Instead of the poop.

You'll see right away
what the problem is.

Now! Now!

Now, now, now!

Now!

- Sorry, boss.

I couldn't get there in time.

- You did your best, soldier.

- Then I started
focusing on holes.

Poop and holes have
a long-standing relationship.

I was getting closer,
but testers keep falling in.

All sorts of problems
with this one.

This one, we had to modify to--

Ok, well, that's user error.

But then it finally hit me.

This is the poo chair.

It's just like
your personal poo chair,

But this one has a tube that
goes right out to the ocean.

- That's genius.

The water becomes
everyone's kyle.

- You want to take it
for a spin?

- Oh, I'm afraid
that's impossible.

I'm a shy pooer.

- Do you poop in front of kyle?

- Yes, but only because I've
dehumanized him in my mind.

But if there's one thing
I can do, I can sell.

You get this thing ready,
and I will push the crap out

Of pushing the crap into it.

- Do I have
to go to this party?

- The party
is the most important part.

They have to like you
but not be jealous of you

But be slightly jealous of you

But just enough that they want
to keep you close.

- I don't know how to do that.

- Well, just remember
the catchphrases I taught you.

Shallow people really
latch on to catchphrases.

They're conversational
training wheels.

- Yeah, I got them.

"this guy gets it,"
"man after my own heart,"

And "marry me already."

- Oh, look at my perfect
little douchebag.

Do you really think
you could make olympus better?

- I do.
- I think you just might.

Now, get in there and wow them
but not too much.

- Well, well, well,
look who decided to show.

- This guy gets it.

- What?

- Man after my own heart.

- [laughs]
- he's clever.

- Without being threatening.

Let me get you a drink.

- Marry me already.

- Oh, yeah.

This guy gets it!

- [grunting]

You see that?
You see that?

[laughs]

This guy gets it.

Aphrodite, I'm salt,
god of sea battles,

Sailors, sustenance,
and making women happy.

- Well, I'm the goddess
of love,

Sometimes marriage.

- Well, then marry me already.

[chuckles]
- [laughing] oh.

Oh, that's wonderful.

- We like this one.

Can we keep this one?

- Where's salt?
- Where's salt?

- I think I saw him
with athena.

- [moans, sighs]

[giggles]

- And then you pull this chain,

Releasing water
that washes the poo away,

Never to be seen again.

Any questions?

- Yeah, I have a question.

What about snakes?

- What do you mean,
what about snakes?

- Well, how are you
gonna keep snakes

From crawling up
through that thing

And biting me in the butt?

- Why would a snake
even want to do that?

- Why would you
build a tunnel

Right from the river
to my butt?

- Do you think snakes go around
looking for butts to bite?

- They're not
looking for butts.

They're just looking
to get out of the box.

And if there's a butt
in the way, it's getting bit.

[people clamoring]

- How is it a given that
the snake is even in the box?

- Because you led them
right to it!

- It sounds to me like you guys
are coming up with excuses

To avoid progress.

- Why don't you use it?

- I'm not doing that.
It wouldn't be kingly.

I have to respect the office.

- Come on!
Poop!

Crowd: Poop! Poop!
Poop! Poop!

- No, absolutely not.

If you saw me do that, you
would never respect me again.

- If we saw you do it,
at least it would clear up

The snake controversy.

- You guys created
the snake controversy.

- You created what can only be
described as a snake highway.

- What's a highway?

- For snakes?

This!

- [laughs]
no, come on, she's great.

All right, I'll see you
at the contest.

[both smooching]

Mwah!
This gal can get it.

- Oh, my god,
you played with the expression.

[laughs]

- Did you sleep with her?

- Salt saw an opening,

And salt went for it.

- This is us.
You can drop the act.

- Don't do your deliria thing.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Well, they told me
all about you,

How you get all worked up
over dumb stuff

And then make them
the bad guys?

You know athena
has a nickname for you?

She calls you hysteria.

- Never call me hysteria.

We were trying
to change olympus.

- Mm, were we?

Or were you trying
to piss off athena, hysteria?

- [roars]

- Not now.

[krill chittering]

I agree,
but I don't see

Why you have
to bring gender into it.

[krill chittering]

Well, at least I have
virtue to signal.

[dramatic music]

- Uh, supercool entrance?

- I don't want your apology.

You know, I was actually
starting to believe in you.

- No, you weren't.

- No, I really was.

At first, I just wanted
to hurt athena,

But then along came
this wide-eyed boy

Who wanted to do some good.

What can I say?

You grew on me.

- I'm sorry
I called you hysteria.

I guess I just got caught up
in all the glitz and glamor

Of being with the olympians.

- Well, I can't
blame you for that.

I got caught up in it, too,
when they liked me.

- You did?

- I felt important,

Better than the rabble.

Were we cruel and vapid?

Yes, but we were the cool kids.

And when they kicked me out,
I cried like a baby.

- You?

- And instead of admitting
that they hurt me,

I just vowed
to hurt them worse.

But if I'm being honest,
maybe on some level,

I always did want
to change the world.

- Well, maybe
we can still do both.

Friends?

- Not looking like that,
we aren't.

- What?
That's it?

You're just gonna
pop my collar?

- You can do the rest yourself.

I don't like touching you.

- Hmm, what a shame.

There should be
tons of human waste

Pouring out of this pipe.

- They're just not ready
to modernize.

- But they never are.

We always have to drag
these people

Kicking and screaming
into the future.

Should we be standing here?

- Oh, I thought I could,
like, tempt fate.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, like
when I finally change my water

And then, bam,
that's when it rains.

- Exactly.

[sighs]

- Ty, sometimes being a king
means being a leader,

And sometimes being a leader
means overcoming your fears.

And sometimes
overcoming your fears--

- I see where you're going.

- It was a pretty good
build, though.

- It had a great rhythm,
no question about it.

I have to poo
in front of them, don't I?

- Your city needs you.

Poop for them.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Hippo, a word.

- What's up, little brother?

- You need to listen to me
very carefully

Because I need
to say it very quietly.

There is currently
a snake biting my ass.

- Are you serious?
Get up!

- No, no, if I do that,

We'll lose everything
we've worked for.

- I can't believe
this happened.

What are the odds?

- It may be the least likely
event in poo history.

Or maybe someone
put one in there

Just to sabotage progress.

Whatever the case,
we can't let chaos win.

- Dude, I've never said
or meant this before,

But I truly admire you
right now.

I can't believe
how stoic you're being.

- I thank you for that,

But I think most
of what you're seeing

Is symptomatic
of paralyzing venom.

- Ok, ok, don't panic.

Um, show's over, citizens.

Everyone go home
and commemorate this moment.

I'll be back with pliers
and a mongoose.

- Thank you.

♪ ♪

[horse neighs]

[horses neighing]

[applause]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Meticulus,
nocturnus, jinx,

You three are out.

- I didn't even want to come.

What a mess.

- Screw you, majors!

From now on, jinxes are bad.

This is how that happened.

- Yeah, all right, we're down
to our final two contestants,

Makenzus and salt.

We know how strong you are,
how aloof you are,

And how bang-able you are,

But what we don't yet know
is who you're willing

To step on
in order to get here.

Makenzus,
for your final challenge,

You have to be cruel to athena.

- What?
- Insult her. Backstab her.

Say something
you can never take back.

- Go ahead.

We'll only have
to do this once,

And then we can be besties
on olympus.

- Um, well, I, um--

I just want to say
that sometimes--

Sometimes your shoes
aren't always the best choice

For your outfit.
[gasps]

- You bitch!
- Athena, I'm so sorry!

- Don't talk to me, whore!

- [crying]

Was that--yeah?

- [laughs] oh, yeah.

Now, salt, you have to
mercilessly cut down deliria.

Crowd: Ooh!

- Oh, come on, salt.
You're in the lead.

All you have to do
is eviscerate

Your new best friend.

- Yeah!
- Come on!

- Destroy her!

- Do it!
- Get her out!

- No!

This woman is better
than everybody here.

You want to know why?

Because she cares,
because she feels.

Sure, you see
the cold exterior,

But deep inside,
she's got more heart

Than you'll ever have.

Just last night,
she told me she cried

When you kicked her out.

She feels emotional pain.

And she's not too scared
to admit it.

[scoffs] destroy her?

I can't, because she's
too good of a god.

No, too good of a person.

- Oh, my god.

Dude, you destroyed her!

- That is the cruelest thing
he could have said!

This is deicide!

- She is such a loser!

Crowd: Salt! Salt!
Salt! Salt! Salt!

Salt! Salt!
Salt! Salt! Salt!

- Ok, so how does
this game work?

- Your character is a wizard.

Right now, he's trapped
by this dragon.

- So I k*ll the dragon?

- Well, let's find out
if you do.

- What do you mean?
Of course I do.

- No, you see,
the dungeon master

Is like a god in this game.

- Thin ice, gentlemen!

[dice rattling]

- Hmm, you swing
at the dragon and miss.

Ow, ow, ow!

Ok, you k*ll the dragon.

- Ooh, this game is fun.

[water rushing]

- Got room for one more?

- Shouldn't you be on olympus?

- Yeah, they kicked me out.

- Ooh, that was fast.
What were the charges?

- Well, apparently,
I'm really bad at sex.

It's all sex up there.

- But I thought you slept
with athena at the party.

- Yeah, but I guess
she has a rule.

Like, you get one warm-up.
Then you got to deliver.

- Huh, that's fair.

- Also, I didn't
compliment her enough.

You know,
she's really insecure.

- Is she?
- Yeah, I was surprised.

It was actually kind of
a little bit sad.

- Was it?
Tell me everything.

- About the sex?

- God, no,
about the insecurity.

Unless the sex was sad.
- It wasn't.

- Then no.
About the insecurity.

- Did you get any of that?

- Bento.