01x19 - Truth and Consequences

[bunniefuu]

[ blues theme playing ]

I know, I know, I'm late.
Who's up?

Uh, John,
why do you have that--?

Come on, come on, who's up?

Okay, your cousin Berry called.

He finished your taxes.
Oh, great.

Uh, what else you got?

Uh, um, Mr. Gordon is in 1.

Thank you. That's better.

Uh, John?

It ate my quarter.

It shouldn't have done that.

Hi.

Whoa.

I mean, hi.

I'm here to empty
the hazardous waste bins.

I'm Lester from RidTox.

I'm Linda from here.

I'll just empty the bins
and be on my way.

Oh, my God!

MARGARET:
Linda,

reel your tongue back in.

Margaret, did you see that guy?

You could use his butt
as a trampoline.

Well, this is a doctor's office.

You bounce on your own time.

But, Margaret, you have no idea
how hard it is

for me to meet guys.

You?
I don't mean your usual creeps,

perverts and minor criminals.

I mean professional men
like Lester.

Oh, so you're saying
that you want a guy

who's around chemicals
and fumes all day.

Okay.

Actually,

he may be perfect for you.

[ giggles ]

Mr. Gordon, what's new?

I want an AIDS test.

L-l-let's go back
to "What's new?"

You see, doctor, I started
dating a younger woman.

She's 65.

And her parents
are okay with that?

Let-- Let me
ask you something.

W-when was the last time
you had sex?

1986.

Well, that's what
we in the medical profession

call "a very long time."

Oh.

You-- You don't need this test.

But I read the papers.

I wanna be safe
and responsible.

Yeah. Any safer,
you'd be in different cities.

All right, all right,
if you insist.

Uh, I'm gonna have to
draw some blood here

and ask you some questions.

Have you ever had
a blood transfusion?

No.

Any, uh, IV drug use?

No.

h*m* activity?

No.

And I think I'd remember.

Although I did black out
for a few hours on V-J Day.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

What's with the toothpick?

You know, what are you,
Neil Armstrong,

claiming this burger
for all mankind?

It's a garnish, sue me.

I'm trying to give the place
a lift.

If that's what you're after,
why don't you try scraping

the grime off the walls

and emptying the dead bugs
out of the light fixtures?

JAKE:
I don't know, John.

It kind of dresses things up.

I like it.

Like it? You can't even see it.

You know, you didn't
think of that, did you, Reg?

I mean, Jake here
could put his eye out

with one of these things,

or I could puncture
the roof of my mouth.

This puncture,

would it shut you up
for a couple of days?

Yeah, bite me.

[ grunts ]

Jake, grabbing a paper here.
All right.

[ phone rings ]

Hello? Margaret.

Yeah, he is here.
Do you wanna--?

Okay, I'll tell him.

Uh, Margaret said to tell you

that your accountant's
on his way over here.

Oh, crap.

I gotta get outta here.

You're afraid
of an accountant?

You are a pansy.

You know, shut up, will you?

The guy's also my cousin.
He's a real pain in the ass.

Hi, Berry.

Heh-heh-heh-heh. Hey.

How you doing, buddy?

H-how did you find me?

Well, it wasn't too tough.

You have 365 receipts

from the same restaurant.

Uh, Reg, Jake,
this is my cousin, Berry Becker.

Hey.

[ shouts ]:
How you doing?

So, John, I got your tax return.

You know, I got you
one hell of a refund

for someone
who doesn't make much money.

Oh, thanks for sharing that
with everybody.

Hey, Reg,
can I get a cup of coffee?

Oh, sure, Berry. No problem.

Oh, God, you're staying?

So you knew John as a kid, huh?

[ all chuckle ]

Let me ask you a question--

Exactly the same. He just
bitched in a higher voice.

[ Jake and Reg chuckle ]

Here you go, John.

What do I owe you?
Tell you what.

Why don't you come over
to the house for dinner,

and we'll just call it even?

Can I just pay you?

Come on,
Melissa's dying to see you,

and how often do we ask you
over to the house?

Once a year.

Come over tonight,
it'll be fun.

"Fun" and "Becker": Two words
that don't often bump up

against each other.

Shut up, will you, Jake?
Listen, I can't do it.

I'm afraid, uh, I got
something tonight with Reg.

You remember we were gonna
go to that place?

Oh, no!

See, it turns out that place
is closed for renovation.

They have to scrape
the grime off the walls

and empty the dead bugs
out of the light fixtures.

Terrific, so we're on.

No, no, not yet.
See, I got confused here.

Jake, this is the night
I'm supposed to take you

to see that guy, right?

Oh, I can talk now?
I don't have to shut up?

Hey, don't--
No.

That's not until next week.

[ chuckles ]

John, if I am one thing,
what am I?

Annoying?
No, persistent.

And you know I'm just gonna
keep bugging you

and bugging you
until you say yes.

All right, yes. I'll be there.

See? Ha-ha-ha.

Tonight, 6:00. See you then.

Nice to meet you two.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, this is great.

Now I gotta drive
all the way out to New Jersey

in the middle of rush hour.

Yeah, I barely know the guy.

The only thing we have in common
is a hundred years ago

my great-grandpa
knocked up his great-grandma.

Reg, let me have two
of my cigarettes there,

will you please?

I'm gonna need them
to get through this night.

Good, Becker. k*lling your pain
with cigarettes.

Hey, how many times
I gotta tell you,

you k*ll pain with liquor.

You ease stress with cigarettes.

BECKER:
You know, y-you don't

have to be a doctor
to know this stuff, Reg.

[ blues theme playing ]

Well... Ha-ha.

I must say, John,
I was pleasantly surprised

when Berry called
and told me you were coming.

I just wished
I'd had a little more notice.

Well, I tried--
I tried to call you, sweetheart,

but the line was busy
for over two hours.

So how is your mother,
by the way? Heh-heh-heh.

Oh, he never misses a chance

to take a swipe at my mother.

Well, everybody needs a hobby.
Am I right, John?

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

[ Melissa laughs ]

Well, I thought
you had a hobby, dear.

Sitting in front of
that big screen TV,

watching every sports event
under the sun.

It kills her
that there's one pleasure

she hasn't denied me yet.

Hee-hee. Believe me,
it's on my list.

[ giggles ]

Oh. Oh, John,
we're a smoke-free house.

Yeah, what about the neighbors?

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, you-- You k*ll me.

So, John, you wanna see
pictures of the kids?

God, no. I-I mean...

you know, God, not again.

[ bell dings ]

Oh.
Ah.

Time to take the roast
out of the oven.

Oh, that's okay, Berry.
I'll get it.

What the hell's goin' on here?

What are you talking about?
The two of you.

It's like you're about ready
to k*ll each other.

What? No, just normal
husband-wife stuff.

Although she is a little annoyed

you just popped over here
like this.

Well, didn't you tell her
you invited me?

Hey, hey, hey, I'm on your side.

Side? You know,
why do we need sides?

Dammit, Berry,
this always happens.

You're always dragging me
into the middle of your crap!

What?
What was it the last time?

The great vasectomy debate.

Yeah, thanks a lot, by the way.

Ouch!

John, you've forgotten what it's
like to be married, haven't you?

No, I haven't. This is exactly
what it's like, you know.

You could cut the tension
with a Kn*fe.

[ laughs ]:
You think this is tense?

Oh, yeah, you should've been
here last summer.

It was crazy.

I was having the house painted,

her brother was going through
detox in the den,

and then I was having that
little thing with my secretary.

What?

You had an affair?

No, not an affair, a thing.
It was one time.

Ancient history.
Everything's fine now.

MELISSA:
The dinner rolls are browning,
and then we'll be ready to eat.

It's taking a little longer
than I expected,

but it's the best I can do
with that old oven.

BERRY:
Melissa, don't start.

Old oven, new oven.

What's the difference?
Heat is heat.

Am I right, John?

Who cares?

All you have to do in this house
is mention anything new,

and Berry thinks
it's a complete waste of money.

She wouldn't be saying that
if she were the one out there

busting her ass
to make the money.

Hey, what do--? What do you say

we look at some
kids' pictures, huh?

[ sighs ]
That's right. I don't work.

I just stay at home
and take care of the children.

And I'm the only one
on the block

who does it without any help.

Good for you. That's--

If she wants help,
she should get the therapist

to come over here and vacuum

while she b*tches
about her mother.

Well, at least my mother
lets me live my own life.

He still calls his "Mommy."

It's a term of affection.

You remember affection,
don't you?

It's a distant memory,

much like our sex life.

Oh, you know, that's it.
I've had it!

You know,
there's a kind of insanity

back in the city
that I understand, but you two,

you've taken crazy
to a whole new level.

I mean, this is why I hate
coming to New Jersey.

Far as I'm concerned,
they should tear down the bridge

and block both the tunnels.

Is this what you people do
in suburbia?

Argue about appliances
and money?

Have affairs, go to therapy?

Affairs?

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Little tip:

No matter how much
someone begs you,

never ever get involved
with family.

It just bites you in the ass.
What happened?

I got involved with family,
and it bit me in the ass.

Pay attention, will you?

I thought you just went there
for dinner.

What did you do?
I didn't do anything.

Berry and his wife
got in a big fight,

and now he's living with me.

You know, it's--

It's only been one night,

a-and his mood swings
are driving me crazy.

You know, if he's not
pacing around,

speed-loading Oreos,

he's curled up
in a fetal position,

moaning about how no one
will ever love him again.

I swear, you know, if I wanted
to live with a chick,

I'd get married again.

There's so much that offends me
in that sentence,

I don't even know where
to begin.

Morning, Reggie, Jake.

Oh, brother.

Oh, John, when I woke up
this morning, you were gone.

Did you have an appointment
to wreck someone else's life?

For the 50th time,

I thought she knew about
the affair.

Y-you told me
like it was no big deal.

It was no big deal because
my wife didn't know about it!

Gee, Becker,
I know I'm just a chick,

but it seems like you left
a little something

out of that story.

So you opened your big mouth

where you shouldn't have,
huh, John?

Hey, shut up, will you, guys?

Because of someone in this room,

my wife will probably
divorce me now!

Then I'll lose my house.

End up some pathetic loser
who walks the streets

yelling at total strangers.

Wow, genetics
is a frightening thing.

Hey, you know, I-I-I don't wanna
listen to this anymore.

Have--
Have a nice day, you guys.

You're not gonna
just leave him here with us?

Oh, come on, he just needs
a little time

to pull his life together,
that's all.

I can't eat, I can't sleep.
I can't work.

I know, I'll get
a bottle of bourbon

and drink myself to death.

There, see?
He's already got a plan.

[ blues theme playing ]

Mr. Gordon, good news.

Your HIV test
came back negative.

That's a relief.

You know, that test came back
awfully fast.

Are you sure it was accurate?
Maybe you should do it again.

Yeah, Mr. Gordon, sit down here
for a minute, will you, please?

Look, you--

You didn't need that test,
and you know it.

What--? What's goin' on?

Oh, all right.

You see, Dr. Becker,

my lady friend is wonderful.

She laughs at my jokes,
we like the same food.

She even lets me watch TV
with my pants unbuttoned.

Well, there's a picture for you.

A-and whether I like it or not,

I think sex...

is the next logical step.

I-I haven't been with a woman

since my wife passed away, and--

And I've heard it's, uh,

different.

I-I get
all the medical journals.

Nothing new has crossed my desk.

But I've seen those magazines
at the supermarket.

"How to Please A Woman."

[ groans ]
"The Rules Have Changed."

"Right Orgasm, Wrong Orgasm."

Who knew there was
more than one kind?

Mr. Gordon,
the rules haven't changed.

They're just enforcing them now.

Look, you, uh-- You used to work
in the garment district, right?

Forty years.
Right.

Well, what people want
from their sex

is pretty much what they want
from their clothes.

You know, better quality
and more attention to detail.

Look, the most important thing
is to remember that--

That both people
should enjoy themselves.

Both people?

Times have changed.

[ blues theme playing ]

Bye, Mr. Gordon.
Have a good night.

With God's help.

[ gasps ]

Easy, Linda,

don't put it all out there.

Well, put some of it
out there.

Hi.

Hi.
I was in the neighborhood,

and the liftgate
got stuck on my truck.

When I tried to force it open,
I think I wrenched my back.

You think the doctor
could take a look at it for me?

Sure. Uh, Linda...

Huh?

Why don't you check Lester in?

I could do that.

Come with me.

Down the hallway.

[ mouths ]:
Oh, my God!

Okay, let's get on the table.

I mean,
let's get you on the table.

Should I take my shirt off?

Okay.

Now what?

Huh?

Oh, uh,

I just need to ask you
a few questions.

Um, first time
seeing the doctor?

Yeah.
That's a check.

How would you describe
your general health?

Good.

Excellent, another check.

Marital status?
Well, that's easy.

You don't wear a ring.
You're single, big check.

No, no, I'm married.

I-I don't wear my ring
when I'm working,

'cause the metal
reacts with the chemicals.

The doctor will be
right with you.

Yeah, but it--
It hurts when I go like--

Yeah, yeah, life's a bitch.

Tell your wife.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

This is Melissa and me
at a luau on Maui.

This is me and Melissa
at a luau on Oahu.

This is me and Melissa
at a luau--

Berry, we're
willing to stipulate

that you and the missus
eat a lot of pork.

Oh, God, I miss her.

Whew. Excuse me,
I need a moment.

[ Berry sighs ]
JAKE: Well, this has been

the longest afternoon
of my life.

You're lucky you didn't actually
have to look at the pictures.

REGGIE: Becker!
What?

Oh, you gotta do something.

Berry's been here all day
going on and on about his wife.

I know he's your cousin,

but he's an incredible pain
in the ass.

He-- He's driving us crazy.
Please, tell him to go home.

All right, all right, all right.
Give him a break here.

He's going through
a rough period.

All right, I'll, uh--
I'll talk to him.

Ahem. Berry, uh...

Let-- Let me say something
to you here.

You're an incredible pain
in the ass,

and you're
driving everybody crazy.

Go home.

Well done.

I-I'd love to go home.

I just-- I can't.

Melissa won't even take
my phone calls.

Maybe you can talk to her.
Oh, yeah, right. Like that--

That worked out so well
the last time.

Ah, who am I kiddin'?

She will never forgive me.

I am headed for one long,

messy, painful divorce.

And no matter how long it takes,

weeks, months, even years,

at least I know
I have you to lean on.

Come on, John, let's go home.

I want Berry out of my life.

I really don't wanna
talk about it.

W-what are you doing?
W-what is this stuff?

I just agreed
to let you come over

to pick up
the rest of his things.

No, no, no, no, no.
Look, these things belong here.

Just-- Just like Berry
belongs here.

You-- You two can work this out.

I'm afraid it's a little late
for that.

No, no, no, it's not.

Look, listen, Berry realizes

that he shouldn't have told you
about the affair.

He didn't. You did.

Well, let's not fixate
on who said what to whom.

The point is to get two people
who love each other

back together again.

No, I think it's best
he stays with you.

No, nobody wants that. Come on.

Listen, he--
He made one little mistake.

Can't you forgive him?

What's the point?

What? What do you mean,
what's the point?

You know what hurts most?

Well, I thought Berry and I
had something special.

Oh, sure, we had our problems.

But I can't live with someone

who no longer
finds me attractive.

W-what are you talking about?

Well, why else
would he have an affair?

Oh, come on, please.

Listen, married guys have--

Have affairs for plenty
of different reasons.

They're-- They're bored.

You know. they wanna
recapture their youth.

Or sometimes it's just to--

To see if we can
get away with it.

What-- What I mean is, uh, you--

You are a very,
very attractive woman.

Oh, you're just being nice.

No, you know me.
I wouldn't do that.

Really?

Absolutely.
I-I'll tell you something.

You know, when you got married,

I said to myself,

"Now, w-what did he do
to deserve a woman like that?"

Oh, that's so sweet!

Well, yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, all right, well, yeah.

That's better, huh? That--
There you go, there you go.

All right.

M-- W-why are we still hugging?

You're right.

Mm. No, no!

Mm. No, don't.

Mm. Oh, jeez.

No, Melissa.
Oh! Oh, my God!

Berry!

I told you to wait in the car
for a sign.

Does this look like a sign?

I asked you to help,
not help yourself.

BECKER:
Oh, please.

Nothing happened here.

I was just trying to
cheer her up.

Oh, so you didn't mean it
when you said I was attractive?

Sure I did.
You said she was attractive?

Well, I didn't mean it.

What do you think could happen
in the two minutes

since I left you out there?

Oh, who are you kidding?
Two minutes is plenty of time.

Really?

Oh, just--
Just get away from my wife.

Look, honey,

I made one big mistake,
and I'm sorry.

I've always loved you,
and I always will.

And if you take me back,

I promise I'll do anything I can
to make it up to you.

Oh, come on. That--
That was good.

Oh, Berry.

Come here.

All right, there you go.
See? Now you're kissing.

That means you're
back together again.

He's-- He lives with you now.

Oh, yeah, one more thing
before I go.

And I-I-I mean this
from the bottom of my heart,

and I can say it
because we're family.

I don't like you two people.

I don't care if we're related.
I never wanna see you again.

Oh, crap!

Berry, you got my keys in there.

Berry.

Oh, good Lord!

Oh, well. What the hell.

I've got two minutes.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]