01x22 - Regarding Reggie

[bunniefuu]

[ upbeat blues theme playing ]

Morning, Reggie.

Hey, uh, Little Boy Blue.

If that's your Vespa
parked out front,

you might wanna
get out there.

A couple of bums seem
to think it's the men's room.

Were there really
any bums out there?

No, he was in my seat.

Great. So you chased away
a paying customer

and instead I get
Diamond Jim Becker

and his bottomless
cup of coffee.

And keep it coming too, please.

W-what is it with that kid?

You got blue hair and you're not
from the Planet Krypton,

you got a serious problem.

What? He doesn't have a right
to express himself?

Not everybody
can be a symphony in brown.

Hey, I-I don't need
to express myself with clothing.

You know, I have ideas.

Name one.
Leave me alone, will ya?

Hey, Jake,
where you going?

Oh, I'm going to meet
Tonya for lunch.

How do I look?

Well, your fly's open,
there, pal.

Look, John, I don't have time
to play another round

of Let's Fool
the Blind Guy, okay?

No, I'm-- I'm telling ya,
your fly's open.

Jake, don't listen to him.

You look great.
Go have fun.

Thank you. Nice try, John.

Boy, I tell ya,
that's cold, Reg.

The guys trusts you
and you lie to him.

Yeah, well, he's been
gettin' on my nerves today.

Margaret?
Mm.

What's this?

Tss. Your desk calendar.
No, this.

This note about
the fundraiser.

You wrote it in.

Yes, the Children's Hospital
fundraiser.

I know that,
but it's for this Sunday.

Come on, you're supposed
to be on the stick here

and reminding me
about stuff like that.

MARGARET:
John, don't forget.

The Children's Hospital
fundraiser is next month.

BECKER:
Don't bother me with that now.
Just write it in my calendar.

[ clicks ]

All right, all right.

We can go round and round
on who said what to whom.

But the point is
that it's a black tie affair

and I don't have time to--
To-- To rent a tux.

I ordered
your tuxedo last week.

It'll be here Friday.

Oh.

Well, I made other plans
and I can't get out of them.

Which are?

Oh, come on,
Margaret, please.

I don't like
going to those things.

They're-- They're full
of pompous socialites

and those goofy
pediatricians.

Besides, I-I don't have a date.

And if I-- If I go alone,
everyone tries to fix me up

with their big-boned niece
with the inner beauty.

Why don't you
just ask Reggie?

Reggie?
Reggie down at the diner?

No, bad idea.

Why? You seem to get along

and she's certainly
pretty enough.

No, if Reggie and I
go out on a date,

it would just
screw everything up.

I mean, we-- We already have
the perfect relationship.

I mean, she cooks my food,
cleans up after me,

neither of us listens to a thing
the other says.

You know, it's like marriage
without the heavy lifting.

Well, you better ask someone

because you are going
to that dinner.

It's for a good cause.

And, frankly, John,

your world's been getting
a little too small lately.

So resign yourself.

You are going.

Yeah, w-why don't you
go with me?

Ha!

What?

I can't stand those people.

Hey, Jake.
Hey.

Where's Reggie?

She went out shopping.

Oh, you know, w-what is it
with women and shopping?

It's like an addiction.

So how did your lunch
with Tonya go?

Don't ask.
Okay.

We're having a good time
at lunch, right?

All of a sudden,
it's like an Arctic wind

blows across the table.

For the whole rest of the meal,

she gives me
the silent treatment.

And I still have no idea why.

You gotta accept it, Jake.

As soon as you get involved
with a woman,

it's only a matter of time

before you're the next
contestant on Guess Why I'm Mad.

Oh, yeah.
That's on right before

All I Do For You
and This Is The Thanks I Get.

[ chuckling ]:
Yeah.

So, what's up with you?

Oh, boy, I'm in the middle
of a nightmare.

I gotta go to this really nice
dinner on Sunday.

It's a hard knock life,
isn't it?

No, no, it's-- It's--
You don't understand.

It's a fundraiser.

And the bad part is I have
to show up with a date.

[ chuckles ]

So I went out to buy

a friend of mine's baby
a gift.

Well, you're not
gonna believe this.

This is a dress
I bought for the kid.

This is a dress
I bought for myself.

This one cost three times
as much as this one.

If you put that one on
and walk around outside,

I bet you could earn back
what you spent on both.

In certain neighborhoods,
so could you.

Hey, uh, why don't you
take Reggie to that dinner?

What, 'cause
we get along so well?

Well, you've gone out
together before.

You went to that
Vivaldi concert.

No, no,
that's different.

This entails preplanning,
formal wear and it could--

It could turn romantic.

It doesn't have to.

Ah. I look pretty good
in formal wear.

Oh, Dr. Becker?
Yeah.

I heard you needed a date
for your dinner on Sunday

and, well,
I had an idea.

You must be so proud.

Why don't you
ask Reggie?

Did Margaret
tell you to do this?

No, it's the one thing today
she didn't tell me to do.

But think about it.

She already knows
what you're like,

she's already seen
the way you dress,

and if you've been
to the diner today,

she's seen that green thing
between your teeth.

You're good to go.

Mr. Kirkham,
how'd this happen?

Long story. When will I be able
to take this thing off?

Well, looks like
a few more weeks.

That's a pretty bad break.

Seriously, how'd this happen?

If I tell you, will you promise
not to laugh because I really--

I can't take any more laughing.

I really don't find
anything funny

about a broken collarbone,
Mr. Kirkham.

Well, the other day,

I-I was walking by
that construction site

over there on Belson Street.

Mm-hm.

And they've got some of those
portable toilets there

and, well, let's just say,
I really had to go.

So I figured, what the hell.
You know.

I picked one, I got in
and locked the door and--

And I sat down.

Go on.

Okay. All of a sudden,
it started to shake.

Then next thing I know,
it's going up in the air.

Turns out there
was a crane

that was putting the toilet
on the back of a truck

where it got jammed up
against other toilets

and I couldn't get out.

So there I am

banging on the door
with one hand,

pulling my pants up with
the other and yelling for help.

And nobody heard me.

And then--
Then the truck takes off.

[ snorts ]

We hit a pothole

and the toilet went flying
off the truck.

There was a moment when
the toilet went upside down.

I swear, I-I would've
traded places

with anyone
in the universe.

And--
[ snorting ]

It rolled down a hill.

Finally came to a stop
in a schoolyard playground.

Kids, I mean,
they can be so cruel.

The laughter started there
and it moved to the paramedics

and-- Then it went through
the entire hospital.

I've never been so humiliated.

Wow. Some people
can be so insensitive.

You know something?

Your shoulder's
healing just fine.

Why don't you come back
in a couple of weeks

and we'll take some new x-rays?

Thanks, doctor.

And, uh, thank you
for understanding.

[ Becker laughing obnoxiously ]

S-sorry.

[ chuckling ]

[ knock on door ]

Yeah?

John, here's your tuxedo.

And the hospital
called to confirm

your reservations
at the dinner.

Well, I-I still
don't have a date.

Well, I suppose you could ask
your doctor friend Julie.

You know, the one you call
when you get a little cranky.

And then the next morning,
you're a lot less cranky.

Julie and I don't go out.

We stay in. It works for us.

Well, there's always Reggie.

Hey, Margaret,
we've already been through this.

I just don't understand
why you're being so stubborn.

Because you don't
understand women.

I am a woman.

That's why you have
no perspective.

Oh, well, then,
please enlighten me.

All right.

Women are crazy.

They-- They never take
anything at face value.

Everything has a deeper meaning.

If I go out with Reggie,

she's not gonna look at this
as just one date.

She's gonna think of this
as the start of a relationship.

I'm gonna have to tell her
that it isn't.

Then there'll be
tension between us

and I'll have to find
a new place to get my coffee

and my whole world
will be in turmoil.

And you know what happens

when my head's
not screwed on straight.

I might misdiagnose somebody
and then the guy would sue us

and I-I'd lose everything

and have to shut down
the practice and--

And you and Linda
would be out on the street.

And all of this is gonna happen

just because you asked Reggie
to that dinner?

Exactly.

Ooh. Nobody would
believe this.

Boy, am I glad
I got this on tape.

Hello.
Oh, jeez.

Would you stop coming in here
when I'm not home, please?

Hey, you've been
busting up my chops

to fix your freaking
shower drip.

So I fixed
your freaking shower drip.

I called ya two months ago.

Yeah, I didn't think
I'd be here so fast either.

A tuxedo.
Where are you going?

None of your business.

Excuse me for trying to make
some freaking small talk.

Yeah, well, if it will get you
out of here any quicker,

I have to go to a formal dinner.

Now, goodbye.

Who are you going with?

I haven't decided yet.
Goodbye.

Hey, maybe Alexi can help.

Do you like big breasts?

What?

How about Miss Munchnik
in 5B?

She's 65 years old.

But no moustache.
Has her own teeth.

In Russia,
she'd be a real catch.

Okay, okay,
I'll keep thinking.

Wait one freaking minute.
I got it.

What about that, uh,
Reggie, down at diner?

All right, all right,

now this is getting surreal.

Reggie's very much
hot broad.

We are completely wrong
for each other.

It would totally
change our relationship

and why am I telling you this?

Screw me.

I thought
we were bonding.

Yeah, well,
we're not.

I still think
you should ask that Reggie.

Hey, go away,
will ya?

You're so freaking
closed off emotionally.

I think you have hard time
relating to women.

Hey, Brezhnev,
you know,

take your tool belt
and get out of here, will ya?

I do not have trouble
relating to women.

[ bell ringing ]

Holly.

John Becker.

I know you, John.

You've been in my house.

Oh, yeah. Listen, you wanna go
to the dance with me on Friday?

Sure, that would be nice.

Good. Just don't wear
one of those

stupid-looking
poofy dresses.

And don't expect
a corsage either.

Five bucks for a lousy flower,
what's the point?

Oh, and tell your parents we're
not posing for dopey pictures

in front of the mantle so they
can say how grown up we look.

It's a load of crap.

And trust me,
those pictures will come back

to haunt us someday.

Better yet,
just meet me outside.

Your house has kind of
a funny smell.

Do you know what, John?

I just changed my mind.

I'd rather not
go to the dance with you.

Lesbian.

[ bell rings ]

Hey, Jake.
Hey.

Where's Reggie today?

Oh, she's at the bank.

Can I pour you some coffee?

I don't know.
Let's see.

Go ahead.

That's not bad, not bad.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, Jake, I'm back.

Thanks for watching
the counter.

Becker, I'll be with you
in a minute.

So you gonna break down
and ask Reggie to that dinner?

What is it with you people?

Do you have a club
or something?

I just thought you two
would be good together. Man.

Okay, Becker,
what do you need?

I just wanna ask you a question.

There's a--
There's a dinner Sunday night.

It's a fundraiser. Formal.

It's for Children's Hospital.
You wanna go?

You're asking me out
on a real date?

Well, yeah.
Look, if it's a bad idea--

I'd love to.

Since the first time
you walked in here,

I've been hoping
you'd ask me out.

I've always been attracted
to you, I just...

I've been too afraid
to make the first move.

But now that I know you feel
the same way I do...

[ sighs ]

I really think this could be
so much more than a date.

We could have
a future together.

I-I know it's not like me
to gush like this.

Just, oh, I'm so happy.

Okay, Becker.

So, what do you need?

Nothing. Uh...

Some more coffee, please.

Hey, Theresa.
How are you feeling?

Still exhausted.

Yeah.

Well, I got your
test results back.

Good news is you don't have
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,

you don't have Epstein-Barr.

Looks to me like you're tired
just 'cause you're tired.

Oh, good. So then it's
just because of my life.

Yeah. See, I thought things
were getting better now.

That guy you were seeing
was extradited, right?

That's good news.

Yeah.

Well, work okay? Kids okay?

Yeah, oh, kids are great.

Healthy as can be.
Healthy damn kids.

Four boys.

Doctor, what is it
with boys?

They don't stop.
They don't fear anything.

All they do is run,
scream and jump.

And they spit.
Mm.

What is that about?

Uh, it's a guy thing.

Thing is I don't get
two seconds to myself.

I'd give anything
for one decent night of sleep.

Yeah. Know what?
Maybe we ought to think about

getting someone
to help you out with the kids.

Yeah, I-- I have somebody.

A couple times a week

I leave 'em with my neighbor,
Mrs. Ramirez.

But she's got a pacemaker,

so it's just a matter of time
before they k*ll her.

And today, they're with
my sister Donna.

But every time I ask her,
I get "the lecture".

Big sh*t.

Just 'cause
she got a husband.

[ knock on door ]

Well, don't--
Don't be down on yourself.

Now, you came close
a couple of times, right? Yeah?

John, I've got Mr. Colpits
on the phone.

He's asking
about his meds.

Excuse me
for a second, Theresa.

Yeah?

He said he's feeling
light-headed

since starting
the Zestril.

All right, tell him to drop
his dose to five milligrams.

Then have him come in
to re-check his blood pressure.

Oh, and you got a message
from someone named Pam.

Yeah?
She said she can't
make it Sunday.

Ah, c-- Yeah, what's her excuse?

She said, and I quote:

"After our last date,

I'm surprised he had the nerve
to call me again."

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I forgot about that.

[ knock on door ]

Dr. Becker?
Yeah?

This is my friend
Heather.

I think she'd make
an excellent date

for your dinner
on Sunday.

You've gotta
be kidding me.

"Heather is an Aquarian

"who enjoys long walks
on the beach and rave clubs.

"Her turn-ons include
any book on tape,

"scented candles and honesty.

"Her turn-offs include fur,
Kenny G...

and carbohydrates."

I'll leave you two alone
to get acquainted.

What? No, hey,
Linda, don't do--

Yay.

Okay, uh, Linda's filled me in
on your abrasive personality

and your utter disregard
for other people's feelings,

but I'm okay with that.

In fact, I can fix you.

It's what I do.

Margaret.

[ laughing ]

What are you reading?

Mr. Kirkham's file.

I just got to the part
where the toilet

fell off the back
of the truck.

Yeah.

Mar-- Margaret, listen,
he's our patient.

We-- We need
to be professional here.

[ both laughing ]

Did you...?
Did you...?

Dr. Becker, I can't believe
you let me sleep like that.

You know I gotta
get home to my kids.

My sister's
gonna k*ll me.

Relax, relax,
everything's fine.

Your kids are okay.

I called your sister

and I told her you'd be
coming home late.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, listen,
about your children.

Hey, you know, I got a couple
of patients that are retired.

They got a lot of time
on their hands.

Maybe I should
give them a call.

That's really nice.
Especially for you.

Yeah. Goodnight.

Hey, Dr. Becker,

I know it's probably
none of my business,

but, uh,
Linda was telling me

that you need a date
for some dinner--

No, no, no,
uh, thanks, really.

I-- I don't date patients.

Not me.

No, I-I was thinking of Reggie
down at the diner.

You know what--?
Hey, you, go home.

What's going on around here?

Every time I turn around

somebody's telling me
I should go out with Reggie.

I keep telling 'em
it's a terrible idea.

Well, here's something
I bet never occurred to you.

You could be wrong.

I am not.

Hey, Jake.
Hey, John.

What are you
doing here so late?

Oh, I've just been thinking
I'm making too much

out of this whole
dinner thing.

You know, may--
Maybe I should just take Reggie.

It'd be good for her
to get out.

You know, do her hair,
get dressed up.

'Cause, you know,
frankly,

her world's been getting
a little small lately.

I mean, she's got, you know,
the diner and, well, you.

You know, not much.

Oh, hey, Becker.

Just about to close up.
What do you need?

I just wanna ask you a question.

There's a dinner, Sunday.
It's a fundraiser, formal.

It's for Children's Hospital.
You wanna go?

You're asking me out on a date?

Well, yeah.
Look, if it's a bad idea--

No, not at all.

I bet we'd have a good time.

But, Becker, I--
I just wanna be clear.

Let's not make this
more than it is.

It's not a big deal.

It's not like
we're starting a relationship.

It's just two friends going out
one night to have a few laughs.

Perfect.

Oh, hey, Becker.

I was just about to close up.
What do you need?

I just wanna ask you a question.

There's a dinner, Sunday.
It's a fundraiser, formal.

It's for Children's Hospital.
You wanna go?

Nah, I don't think so.

What?

Oh, no offence, Becker.

But, uh, I don't know, it sounds
kind of like a boring evening.

You know, stuck-up people,

dull speeches,
not my idea of fun.

But thanks anyway.

Hey, uh, Jake,
mind closing up for me?

Okay.
Thanks.

Lesbian.

[ upbeat blues theme playing ]