03x12 - Cabaret

[bunniefuu]

I wanted to be a performer so bad

I could taste it.

Whenever a show was in town,

I volunteered to tear tickets

just to soak it all in.

But there was nothing
like seeing live comedy

for the first time.

The set up...

This is a beautiful theatre.

I love playing here.

It reminds me a lot of my own home.

It's filthy and full of strangers!

The pay-off!

It was just him and a microphone,

but he had the whole room in his hand.

Talk about luck. I mean,
luck, I have no luck!

The other day I prayed to God,

I said, "Please, God.
Please let me win the lottery."

And nothing.

Then this morning,
on my way to the work,

I actually cried out to
the heavens, I said,

"Please, God! Let me win the lottery!"

Then the clouds parted,
and this light shone down,

and this booming voice said,

"Ted! Meet me half way!

"Buy a ticket!"

Take care of yourselves, everybody!

And each other!

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you!

Woo!

Yeah!

All my life, I'd looked up to comedians.

But I'd never actually met one before.

Mr. Turpin?

Entréz vous !

Uh...

I'm a huge fan, sir.

I watched both shows,
the matinee and the evening,

and you were amazing.

Thanks.

Could you sign my poster?

Uh...

What's your name, kid?

Mark.

Uh, I'm a comedian too.

Well, if you got jokes,
you should, uh, tell 'em

to the open mic tomorrow
afternoon at the Strand Lounge.

Really?

Yeah, I'm trying out some new material,

uh, so I kinda need someone
to make me look good.

You're underage, yeah?

You're not just malnourished?

Oh, I'm 14.

Okay, well, make sure
your parents know, okay?

It's a bar, so you get a
note or something, alright?

- There you go.
- Thank you.

I'll be there.

I knew two things.

I was going to take to that stage,

and I was not going to tell my parents.

Hey! Outta my chair
before I throw you out.

Pop, she's pregnant!

Well, then, I'm gonna need help.

It's really good for my back.

Ah, yes. It's nice and solid.

It's wonderful for
people with bad backs.

Mm-hm.

That girl is not even gonna budge.

She's like a beached whale.

And he's not even the kid's father!

I feel for her, but she's
here day and night.

I mean, don't she got a family?

Even ET phoned home.

- She's nesting.
- What?

Full-on nesting!

Oh, I had the same problem with shrews

in the attic one winter.

Once they move in,
you can't get 'em out.

They pick a corner,

and they'll live there... forever!

She is getting so familiar.

- I don't know what to say!
- I can't eat.

My back hurts too much.

I think I'm gonna have a bath.

Oh, hey, Mom's got some special shampoo!

I'll go grab it for you.

She has got to go!

How does a boy ditch school

to perform in a bar?

I had a plan.

Hello, Ms. Macdonald.

You are looking lovely today.

Is that a new blouse?

Could I make a last-minute addition

to the announcement sheet?

Not for me, of course,
but for Ms. Fowler.

She asked me to.

The poor woman is swamped.

The St. Bridget's Crusaders

will be playing the St. Teresa's Trojans

in boys' hockey, Saturday.

Good luck to them.

And would Mark Critch
please come to the office?

Ooh!

Freedom. It was a jailbreak.

Who needed school, anyway?

I was a professional comedian.

Can you change the channel?

I got it, babe.

Huh... ?

Can you get me another slice of bologna?

Alright, alright, you're
not expecting twins.

Hey, Mom, can you get Linda
another slice of bologna?

- Where are you going?
- The station.

I got Afternoon Drive till six.

Oh! Well, you'll... you'll be
going with him, then, huh?

Nah, I think I'll just wait
here 'til he gets back.

You know, I'm only gonna
be a couple hours.

Oh... Aw...

Ugh, what's that smell?

Supper.

The smell is making me nauseous.

Can someone open a window?

What smell? I'm boiling potatoes!

The Strand Lounge.

Where people came to
drown their sorrows.

To be drunk at this hour

meant you'd either
started way too early,

or you woke up there.

My diet cola stood out more than my age.

Hey! You made it.

Hi.

Interesting spot.

Yeah.

Best to make your mistakes

where nobody will remember them.

So you got your note?

Oh, yes, of course.

Okay.

Hey... you wrote this.

- Well, I...
- Ahh... I don't wanna know.

This is, uh, from the kid's parents.

Okay... You ready?

Liquid courage.

Hello!

Ladies and gentlemen.

How's everyone doing this afternoon?

Ah...

I love this place.

It actually reminds me of my own home.

You know, it's filthy and
it's full of strangers.

That joke had k*lled in the theatre!

But here, among the day drinking

and the hum of the cooler,
it fell flatter than my cola.

Oi, yes, I would like
a cab at the Strand.

Yeah, you mind callin' me one?

Just so I can drive it into the ocean?

Okay, okay.

So, what I'm gonna do

is I'm gonna warm you all up right now

with a hot young comedian, okay?

So, it's his first time
performing at the Strand.

Please put your hands
together for Mark...

Uh, uh, what's your name again, kid?

Critch.

Right, right! Mark Critch!
Let's hear it for him!

My heart was pounding,

my stomach swirled, and
I immediately had to pee.

All the moisture left my mouth

and went straight to my bladder.

I'd been on stage before,
but this was the big leagues.

Uh, hello.

My name is Mark. I'm 14.

I-I cut school to be here.

We're learning about the ozone layer.

They've found the biggest hole yet.

It's an even bigger
hole than this place!

I heard they're making an electric car.

An electric car, folks!

I hear it's gonna cost $30,000.

Ten thousand for the car,



Uh, where are you from, ma'am?

Huh?

Uh, I said where are you from?

St. John's.

Right.

And what do you do for work?

I lost my job.

I couldn't have bombed bigger

if I was Oppenheimer.

Thank you. Um, you've
been a great crowd.

Hey, kid.

Don't worry about your set.

You'll get 'em next time.

Oh, really? Next time?
That was humiliating.

No, you've gotta get
right back on the horse.

Why don't you come back
tomorrow for Cabaret Night?

Really? You think I'm good
enough to come back?

Well, no, but I had a guy just drop out.

Look. Stop trying to be
Johnny Carson, okay?

We already got one of those.

Just be yourself, okay?

I want to know who you are.

Who I really am.

- Got it.
- Uh, no, no,

I mean, I want to know who you are.

- I forget your name again.
- Oh! Oh. Mark Critch.

Oh, okay.

Okay, give it up for Mark Critch,
ladies and gentlemen!

Ted told me to mine
comedy from my own life.

But what was so funny about my family?

I share a room with my grandfather.

"Pop," I said, "You're snoring."

And he told me...

"Well, I'm not snoring!

"I'm dreaming I'm a motorcycle."

And there's no privacy.

I mean, I lock the door for
two seconds and he's all,

"Open up! Locked doors are
for prisoners and perverts!"

I've been Mark Critch,

and you've been a great crowd.

Oh, that's too much! Aw, thank you.

Hey, open up!

Locked doors are for
prisoners and perverts!

Yep. One sec.

My family was both a
source of characters

and costumes.

What... Hey...

Wha... ?

Well, where's all my shirts?

They say "write what you know,"

and if there was one thing I knew,

it was being embarrassed by my parents.

Linda. You're still here.

Ah...

Too sick to move.

Mom could take almost anything,

except for a wet spoon
in the sugar bowl.

Do you have any fresh milk?

I don't really like the tinned stuff.

Where do you get off?
I am not your maid, missy!

In this house, we get up off the couch

and get things ourselves!

- That's what I'm doing.
- Except for tea!

I gets the tea around here!

You're making your own milk. Drink that!

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Critch.

I guess maybe I just like the
feeling of being babied myself

before I gotta go off and have one.

Where is your own mother to?

She's, um... not around, so...

I dunno.

Sit down, girl.

My mother wasn't around either.

I had to figure it all
out on my own, too.

God, I got a million questions.

Well, you can ask me
any questions you got.

How did you raise such
a good kid as Mike?

Mike? Good?

Oh, I suppose...

Well, he's always been a sweet boy.

Honest to God, if it wasn't for him...

I don't know what I'd do.

I meant to tell Mike right
away on our first date,

but I thought it would
just be one date, y'know?

I just wanted one normal night.

I mean, when was I ever
gonna have that again?

But... he was so sweet.

I wanted one more...

and then another.

And when I got so big,
I had to tell him...

he didn't care.

He just said, "That
don't change a thing."

If my kid turns out
half as good as Mike,

I'll be over the moon.

Well...

He still leaves his drawers
everywhere, so he's not perfect.

But I loves him.

And once you're a mother, you'll see.

Your family will be your whole world.

Mary, where's my jacket?

Oh, look up your arse!

Your head's already up there!

I'll put the kettle back on.

Mike, another PSA's come in.

Gertie, if I told you once,
I told you a thousand times.

The cut-off for the
PSAs is at 3 o'clock.

I know, but I thought you'd wanna
read that one, seeing it's...

And now your VOCM Cares
public service announcements.

Drive-in Bingo is as go at St. Kevin's,

with plenty of parking so every
player gets a "free space."

St. Teresa's is holding a flea
market Sunday from noon to three.

And the RNC are holding a moose dinner

at the Legion Saturday night.

And tonight at the Strand
Lounge there's a Cabaret

hosted by Ted Turpin,

with the McCarthy Sisters,
Al Clouston, Mark Critch,

the Clancy Dancers, and more.

Show time for that is 7 o'clock.

That's your VOCM community calendar.

Drive safely, arrive alive.

VOCM cares.

That's sweet about your young fella.

Huh?

- Playing the show.
- What show?

Down at the bar.

I didn't know he was old
enough to be at that.

Mark's only 14. He couldn't be...

Good God!

Oh, Ted! I've got a whole new act!

Hey, so... what's in the bag?

Costumes. I'm doing characters now.

Ah... God help us.

I'd thought yesterday was my big break,

but tonight was even bigger!

This time they'd turned the TVs off!

Welcome!

Welcome to the Cabaret!

Ladies and gentlemen, we've
got an incredible assortment

of some of the finest acts that
five dollars cover can buy!

The acts were terrible,

but to me, there was no
better show on Earth!

Whew!

Thank you!

Thank you very much.

Okay, up next we have a promising
young comedian making his debut!

Please welcome... Mark Critch!

I'd been making fun of
my family my whole life.

How hard could it be?

Uh...

Hello.

I'm Mark. Fourteen.

But if anyone's asking for IDs, I'm 27,

and my name's Hector.

Try again!

"Who are you?"

Lemme tell you a little
bit about myself.

You know, I share a room
with my grandfather.

Yeah, Willy Wonka style.

It's crazy. But it's not so bad.

Um, he has a few bad habits, is all.

I'm trying to get him to
stop biting his nails, yeah.

So I hid his dentures.

But he never listens.

No, Pop's really cheap.

He's so cheap that when he dies,

he'll probably walk towards the light...

and turn it off.

Oh, wow, what a family!

You know, my dad's on the radio.

He's a news reporter on VOCM.

Mm-hm. You know my
dad, right? Mike Critch?

The only problem with being a
news reporter in a town this size

is that there isn't really
any news to report.

"Late last night,

"early this morning, a moose was struck

"on the Trans-Canada highway.

"The name of the moose
has not yet been released,

"but the suspect vehicle is described
as a brown and tan Chevette

"with a moose on it."

"Two men k*lled, one seriously.

"This is Mike Critch for
the VOCM news service."

Good God.

That's you, Mike! He got you down!

And here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

Mike Critch!

- Let's go.
- Oh, he's in trouble!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mike and Mark Critch!

Oh!

You've been great, folks! Ha...

Let's hear it! Come on, come on!

I was caught red-jacketed.

I knew Dad was furious, but
his yelling was drowned out

by sweet, merciful laughter.

It really was the best medicine.

This is the height of ignorance!

I've never been so embarrassed!

Hey, Mr. Critch!

Hey!

It's great to meet you.

I'm a long-time listener.

Buddy, you got some nerve,

having a youngster in here underage!

I could call the cops and
have their license revoked

and you up on charges.

It's not his fault, Dad!
I gave him a note.

It's not enough to make
fun of me on stage?

You gotta go around
forging my signature, too?

- We're leaving.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, before you go,
uh... this is for you.

What is it?

It's your cut of the door.

You're not an amateur anymore, kid.

You're a pro.

A pro!

We're leaving.

Aw, but I wants to see
the fella with the puppet!

Okay, that's it, folks.

Thank you very much and goodnight!

I'd never seen my dad this angry.

I made a mental note to
remember it for my act.

I have never been more humiliated.

I'm sorry, Dad, I...

It was just a joke.

Is that what I am to you? A joke?

No, no, no. I...

If I wanna be really funny,

I have to talk about my real life.

And what about my life, hey?

What if my boss had been there?

He would have thought I'd
given you my work coat!

I'd be de-patched!

Impersonating a VOCM employee in public!

Good God!

I'm sorry.

I should've talked to
you about it first.

I just wanted to be liked.

I wanted to be like you.

Dad... everybody loves you.

I was in big trouble.

But it was worth it.

I was a 14 years old and I
was a professional comedian.

Technically.

Late last night...

I'd lied more than Pinocchio

to book my first gig, but I'd
learned how important it is

to tell the truth onstage.

And when it came to stages,

it didn't matter where it was,
but what you said on it.

... with a moose on it.

Well, now at last...

Two men dead...

one seriously.

The most personal things in life

can also be the most universal.

'Cause that's where all the rock stars

shop for their guitars.

We have more in common than we think.

The most important thing of all

is to be able to laugh at yourself.

"Mike Critch for the
VOCM news... service!"

Thank you.

Thank you!