01x12 - The Smiley Face Bandit

[bunniefuu]

DJ: That's cute.

Hmm!

Hey, little buddy.

Hey, what's up with these,
uh, adorable stickers?

Is this some new
initiative I'm unaware of?

'Cause they're really
bringing a smile to my face.

No. Wow!

I believe we have a serial
shoplifter on our hands.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

And that smiley face
is his calling card.

What? No, a shoplifter?

At OMT?

Why would they use a symbol a pure joy

to mark such a heinous crime?

But it's just a few stickers.

Maybe you're jumping to a conclusion.

Oh, no, no.

It's just a few stickers
in this aisle, DJ,

but they have already stolen
nine items from Fitness,

six items from Golf, and, well...

[SIGHS]

Check out Baseball...

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- DJ: My God!

This is serious.

[CHUCKLES FAINTLY]

Sorry, I see a smile, I smile.
It's just so ingrained.

- This is terrible, though.
- Yes! [SIGHS]

♪

First, a huge congratulations
goes out to OMT's

very own...

Olympic silver medallist,

Jen Hauser, everybody!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

JEN: Thank you, thank you!

I'm... I'm very proud of myself.

You know, the hours of training,
the life-threatening obstacles,

and yet I still overcame it all, and...

CYNTHIA: Yay, yay, good for you.
So proud.

On to more pressing matters.

OMT has a serial shoplifter.

Wait, we sell cereal?

Now, I know none of you
would steal from OMT,

but I just have to confirm:
Did any of you, say,

borrow hundreds of items
and forget to return them?

JEN: Never, boss.

- Not a chance.
- KEERAN: No way!

Shaggy!

Huh?

"It wasn't me."

Nice.

[POLICE SIREN AND RADIO CHATTER]

What kinda twisted sociopath
would use such a positive symbol

to mark such a heinous crime?

That's what I said!

Anything show up on
your security footage?

DJ: We don't have cameras.

I'm kind of against them, actually.

I feel like they breed
distrust in the community.

That's probably not
the smartest position

to take as a business.

I've been saying that for years.

COP: Cameras give you peace of mind.

I've even got 'em at my house. See?

There's my living room.

Oh, open concept!

There's my lovely wife, Nina.

- CYNTHIA: Oh!
- DJ: Oh, she's beautiful.

- CYNTHIA: Yeah!
- COP: Oh...

There's the repairman we called
in to fix the dishwasher.

Wait, what are they...

Nina, no!

Don't unzip his pants!

[GASPS]

I gotta go.

CYNTHIA: Now? But...

Lemme know if you catch the guy.

DJ: Will do.

COP: We got a 10-33 in progress!
Send the K9 unit!

Wait, we have to catch the guy?

- Is it true what they say?
- What's that?

That silver medallists
are the unhappiest

of all the medallists.

I think they call it
silver medal syndrome.

- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?

To come so close to greatness
and miss it by a mere whisper.

I can't imagine what that's like.

That's 'cause you've never come
anywhere close to greatness.

That's not true! I've won gold.

Korverton municipal spelling bee,
'01 through '04.

Oh, wow! Cool brag!

Hey, why don't you go do
something useful with your life

for once and move your car?

You're parked in customer parking again.

Well, I don't subscribe to
archaic company dictums.

Besides, I'm not parked
in the accessible spot.

I'm not a monster.

- Respect.
- Thank you!

See? Wayne wins.

Unlike you at the Olympics.

Hey, want to know my winning word?

Pizookie, the original cast iron cookie.

Hmm!

[INTRIGUING JAZZ MUSIC]

Your ass is mine, smiley face bandit.

♪

♪

♪

CYNTHIA: Alright, Bonnie and/or Clyde...

[VOICE ON HIDDEN MICROPHONE]
Do your worst!

♪

♪

♪

- I'm looking to trade these in.
- Sure.

I can he... hel...

Uh, is a hundred... hun...
hundred and fifty enough?

- Yeah!
- It's whatever you want.

- $200?
- Sure!

- $250?
- $250 works great.

Thanks!

Oh God, I should have given her three...

[SIGHS]

Dude!

You gotta take care of that.

I know, man!
I'm so awkward around girls.

I can't help it!

That's not what I'm talkin' about.

- Damn!
- Uh, not again!

Oh God, I'm a horny monster!

Don't worry.
Sexual attraction is natural.

But you must learn to harness
and control that sh*t.

- Please, teach me.
- Okay.

Now, tuck that thing in your
waistband and follow me.

[INTRIGUING JAZZ MUSIC]

WAYNE: Ooh! So close, yet so far.

A lot like winning silver, I imagine.

Yeah, I was just warming up.

Hey, why don't you go kick rocks
and move your car already?

I'll tell you what:
You hit a bullseye, I'll move my car.

You know that a dart
is just a baby javelin

and I'm an Olympic
silver medallist, right?

Well, then it should be
very easy for you.

Big talk from the queen of the losers.

Alright, well,
start your engines now, Wayne,

- 'cause I'm about to blow your...
- Ooh!

- Okay, you were crowding me, so just...
- You know what?

Just tell me if you get it.

- What, you're gonna leave?
- Yeah.

I could just place it in the
bullseye and say that I got it.

Yeah, but you'd never do that.
You're an honest person.

It's your greatest weakness.

My man, you have some pent-up energy

that's searching for a release.

- But there is another way.
- There is?

You gotta learn to
shut out the triggers.

But triggers are all around me!

[SEXY HIP HOP b*at]

[WOMEN MOANING IN MUSIC]

[MUSIC SUDDENLY STOPS]

CHRIS:
Ancient monks would pour so much energy

into one mundane task
that accomplishing it

would create a surge of dopamine

even greater than the one you crave.

My mom said I'm not allowed
to do dr*gs, but...

I trust you.

Oh... okay?

[INTRIGUING JAZZ MUSIC]

DJ: Son of a...!

He's taunting us. I just know it.

[LOUDLY] But what does it mean?!

A smiley face denotes happiness,
positivity, bliss.

But what does that have
to do with One More Time?

Think, dammit!

This isn't about One More Time.

- What do you mean?
- Don't you see?!

The blue eyes,
the naively optimistic countenance,

the gap in the teeth!

This is about...

you!

[MUSIC SWELLS]

My God... It's like looking in a mirror.

But who would go to such
great lengths to destroy you?

I can think of only one man...

[INTRIGUING JAZZ MUSIC]

♪

What took you so long?

DJ: So, you're
the smiley face bandit, huh?

Why, Carlito? Why?

What the hell are you talkin' about?

CYNTHIA:
The string of thefts we've had at OMT!

CARLITO: Thefts?

You couldn't pay me to take that
dank garbage off your hands.

Plus, what would I do with it?

Except sell it back to you.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

Then why did you say,
"what took you so long?"

CARLITO: I got drunk a few weeks ago.

Threw a dead crow at your window.

Was wondering when you'd see
it on the security footage.

CYNTHIA: Son of a bitch!

DJ:
We don't believe in security cameras!

Why not?

They breed trust in the community, bro!

- CYNTHIA: See?
- DJ: Sit down!

Please... Thank you.

CARLITO: When did you say the
happy face thief last struck?

DJ: He doesn't even know his own name.

The smiley face bandit
last struck this morning.

Well, then, scratch me off the list,

'cause I was hard at work
all morning helping abuelitas.

See for yourself.

DJ: "This morning"...

That's conclusive, alright.

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Oh, excuse me.

Oh, it's Chris!

The smiley face bandit struck again!

CARLITO: Well, well, well.

Looks like somebody deserves an apology.

You're absolutely right.
We're very sorry.

[LOUDLY] I don't want your apology!

Why'd you say it, then?

I want your head on a spit!

- DJ: Okay, alright...
- CYNTHIA: What?

Well, I guess we'll show
ourselves out, then.

Yeah, geez. Zero to 100, this guy.

Also, what's up
with the office décor here?

Maybe invest in a
permanent light fixture.

You think you're the only one

conducting interrogations, hermano?

CHRIS: Texted as soon as I saw it.

He's getting more daring.

Daring and pop arty.

Banksy meets Warhol.

Ah, yes, I see it.

One might even say munch-like
with the head smudge.

Perhaps it signifies

the deterioration of his mental state.

CHRIS: Oh, which in turn
signifies the deterioration

of your mental state.

Whoa...

Or maybe he just ran out of stickers.

ALL: Whoa...!

CYNTHIA: I mean...

You are an Olympic athlete, okay?

That counts for something, dammit.

- [EXHALES]
- [WAYNE HUMMING CASUALLY]

WAYNE: Err...

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

[SIGHS]

Ugh, for Pete's sake!

[SIGHS]

[GASPS]

You've been up here for months!

I've got you now, smiley face bandit.

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

- Oopsie-doodle. Hi!
- Hi.

Um, that one is... is not for sale.

But it was on the shelf.

Yes, but that is just for display.

So, um, how about...
Oh, how about this one?

Huh!

Oh, look at you, big boy! Handsome much?

Uh, now I want this one
even more, thanks.

[GRUNTING] Uh, so sorry.

- No, I'm sorry. [LAUGHS]
- Nope.

Gonna have to put my foot down.
So sorry.

[LAUGHS] No, you're not.

[GRUNTING AND STRAINING]

[LOUDLY] You will take what I give you!

Um...

I think this one's good.

Thank you for your patronage.
[AWKWARD CHUCKLE]

Chris, I did it!

I refocused my energy
entirely on a mundane task.

I moved all of the badminton
racquets into the tennis section

and all of the tennis racquets
into the badminton section,

and reorganized all of them in
alphabetical order by brand.

I didn't think about girls at all.

I didn't think about anything!

And when I was done, it felt so good!

That's called the flow state, my friend,

and it's nature's greatest high.

Now all you gotta do is
keep up the practice.

- For how long?
- Until you get home.

I can do that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go colour-code
the hockey socks.

This guy's too good. I got nothin'!

[CYNTHIA SIGHS]

DJ: There's no pattern here.

The guy's always one step ahead.

He's toying with me. I can feel it!

What do you want from me, huh?

[LOUDLY] What do you want from me?!

[PHONE RINGS]

CYNTHIA: Hello? Sure.

DJ, it's for you.

Oh, well...

[HEARING AID BEEPS]

Hello?

BANDIT: [DISTORTED VOICE] I won't stop

until your shelves are bare.

I can never hear on this damn phone.

He... He won't pop
until the elves are there?

Ew...

[DISTORTED VOICE]
No, I said I won't stop

until your shelves are bare.

DJ: Ah, damn,
I know this isn't what you're saying,

but you won't pop
until the elves are... are fair?

BANDIT: [DISTORTED VOICE]
Shelves... shelves!

Like what you put your wares on.

DJ: I'm...
I'm so sorry, but, uh, any chance

you can ungarble your voice?

This is really challenging for me.

[DISTORTED VOICE]
Hmph! That's not happening.

DJ: I get that, but...

You are the smiley face bandit,
though, right?

[GASPS]

[DISTORTED VOICE] Yes.

I knew it! I knew it!

Uh, okay. Hey, listen,
I really wanna catch what you're saying.

Any chance you can text me?

BANDIT: [DISTORTED VOICE] Okay, fine.

Okay, my number is 746...

BANDIT: [DISTORTED VOICE]
Uh, I don't have a pen yet.

- [IN A WHISPER] He doesn't have a pen.
- BANDIT: [DISTORTED VOICE] Okay, go.

Um, okay. 746-555-0129.

Talk soon.

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Oh! Wow, that was quick.

He won't stop until
our shelves are bare!

Oh!

Oh, that makes sense.

Oh, no...

"Think you could tell us when
you'll be here next? LOL"

[TEXT MESSAGE SENT SOUND]

Have to try it, eh?

- Yeah.
- [TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED SOUND]_

He's in the store. He's in the store!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Stay in the flow...

White on the left...

then the blues...

then the reds...

WOMAN: [VOICE]
I'm looking to trade these in.

KEERAN: No, no, no...

I won't be tempted!

Stay in the flow, Keeran!

[SEXY HIP HOP b*at]

Stay in the flow...

Stay in the flow...

[SNIFFING]

Oh, you smell so good. That perfume...

[SEXY SAXOPHONE SOLO OVER b*at]

[MUSIC SUDDENLY STOPS]

Hey, Cynth! Just in the flow!

[SEXY MUSIC RESUMES]

[STIFLING A SCREAM]

[SIGHS]

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

♪

DJ: That's him!

What makes you think that?

The cloak.

Oh.

- Gotcha!
- [GASPS] Are you DJ?

You know I am.

Here...

DJ: "Wrong again. ROFL."

Who gave this to you?!

I don't know!

What do you mean you don't know?

Some guy online paid me to deliver it!

Please, I'm sorry! [CRYING]

Son of a bitch!

He pay you to wear the cloak, too?

No. Why?

No reason.

Looks good on ya.

[FABRIC RUSTLING AND
KEERAN BREATHING HEAVILY]

KEERAN: Oh my God... That's him!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[JEN SIGHS]

You still at it?

Oh, yeah, I'm, uh...

been throwing with my left
hand just to challenge myself,

but I'll probably switch
over to my right hand soon.

Yeah, sure.

Ooh, bullseye!

Too much time at the pub.

Anyway, keep it up, bridesmaid.

Fine! You win, okay, Wayne?!

I'm not good enough, okay?
Are you happy now?

I can't do it.

- What? I-I wasn't...
- I'm not a champion.

I'm a loser. Look at me.

I'm an Olympic medallist
and I still work retail.

I can barely make my rent.

The only brand remotely
interested in sponsoring me

dropped me after I yakked
up your brother's jizz juice

all over myself on national television!

I mean, I dedicated my entire
life to throwing a spear,

and I can't even hit a
target on a dartboard!

Okay?! I'm pathetic!

[ROARING]

My dad was right.

Silver is for losers!

[SOBBING]

You know what? I'll move my car.

Geez!

[JEN BREATHING HEAVILY]

KEERAN: He's outside!

I just saw him leave!

- DJ: Who?
- KEERAN: The Cheerio burglar!

DJ: Cheerio...?

He still thinks we sell cereal.

KEERAN: Freeze!

What seems to be the problem?

I saw you take a
three-pack of tennis balls,

and I saw you put
your sticker there, too.

- I don't understand.
- Well, that settles it, then.

So sorry to bother you. Here's a coupon.

DJ: Wait, why are we giving up so quick?

Keeran said he saw the guy do it.

Do we not trust Keeran?

CHRIS: He has been...
a little distracted today.

CYNTHIA: And this nice gentleman
said that he didn't do it.

We don't want to throw
around baseless accusations.

They're not baseless.
They're base- full!

Like, I seen it with my own eyes!

CYNTHIA: Well,
maybe your eyes deceived you.

KEERAN: What?

DJ: Cynthia, I know your heart
is in the right place,

but don't underestimate him.

This disabled man is perfectly capable

of being a filthy criminal.

CYNTHIA: [GASPS] DJ, my goodness!

I'm all out of coupons, so, uh...

here's a twenty.

MAN: Thank you.

God bless.

- CYNTHIA: Oh!
- DJ: No, but I don't...

Keeran said he's sure,
so if he said he's sure...

KEERAN: It was him, I'm telling you!

- [LOUD CRASH]
- [CYNTHIA SCREAMS]

- KEERAN: Oh my God!
- [ALL SHOUTING]

- KEERAN: Oh my God!
- CYNTHIA: Oh!

- DJ: Are you okay?
- He ran into me! He ran into me!

- CHRIS: Are you hurt?
- DJ: Oh, God...

CYNTHIA: Are you okay? What...

- I'm fine, just help me up.
- WAYNE: He ran into me!

CYNTHIA: Oh, we are so sorry! We are...

- CHRIS: Get in there.
- CYNTHIA: Wait... wait...

It was you!

BANDIT: Congratulations.

You finally got me,
you dense pieces of sh*t.

I'm the smiley face bandit!

WAYNE: Whoa!

Ahh! Love the name, by the way.

Oh, thanks. It just kinda came to me.

But... why?

Why OMT?

- Because... you were open.
- [ALL GASP]

CHRIS: But lots of stores are open.

Literally,
every store in the Plaza is open.

It's just a cool line.
Don't overthink it.

What about the stickers, though?

They look just like me!

Wow, that's an absurd
conclusion to draw.

"You're so vain."

- Carly Simon?
- Carly Simon!

- Wow.
- My God.

What a tune.

Anyways, just wanted to say, uh...

- [THWACK]
- [KEERAN SCREAMS]

- CHRIS: Are you hurt?
- [ALL YELLING]

DJ: Breathe...

JEN: [GROWLING] Oof!

[HEROIC, 1980'S-STYLE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC]

♪

♪

[STICK CLACKS INTO SPOKES]

Oh!

Yes!

- CHRIS: Damn!
- CYNTHIA: Amazing!

JEN: Bullseye.

DJ: Whoa...
That was some throw, Jen!

CYNTHIA: Alright!

Now let's get that
thing out of his spokes.

I know he's a thief,
but the optics here are terrible.

JEN: Hmm.

CYNTHIA: [SIGHS] Come on.

COP: Guy just spilled something
on his crotch, you know?

DJ: Pardon me?

The repairman that's with my wife.

Just spilled something on his crotch.

- Ah.
- Nina's a helper.

Always has been.

That's awesome.

Any... tips on how to fold this thing?

First you take that lever...

and then you shove it up your ass!

Figure it out yourself, bozo.

I just wanted to say...

Thanks again for seeing the real me.

Hey, man, it's no...

- [THWACK]
- Augh!

CHRIS: That's going to leave a mark.

DJ: Oh... man! Always with the sack tap!

BANDIT: Kinda my move.

The stickers... and the sack tap!

I'll text you.

[CYNTHIA GRUNTS WITH EFFORT]

[EXHALES]

Well, that... is the last of them!

Aah!

Great job, team!

[APPLAUSE]

DJ: And a special shout-out goes to...

Jen Hauser,

who really proved her Olympic
'mettle' today.

Guess silver ain't so bad after all.

No, it is.

DJ:
Guess you don't need security cameras

when you have a staff
as vigilant as ours.

No, you do.

Alright, let's go refill these shelves.

He got us good.

Which is terrible. Very upsetting.

CYNTHIA: Um... Keeran?

Uh, before you go, a little word?

KEERAN: Hmm?

I stumbled across some
secret security footage.

Hmm?

Could you explain this?

[KEERAN MOANING ON VIDEO]

KEERAN: [VIDEO] Oh, God...

We should meet in my basement next time.

[GASPS]

I can't believe that I have to say this,

but intimate relations
with any of the merchandise

is categorically against store policy.

I'm so sorry, Cynthia!

Please do not fire me.

I'll buy the goalie pads! Huh?

Oh, please.

Consider them a gift.

Oh, Keeran...

KEERAN: [VIDEO] I... love... you...

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Go sanitize that section now.

Go!

JEN: Yeah, I'll be back in five.

Oh...!

Where'd this come from?

Wait, did DJ do this?

I... Oh, geez, yeah. Must have, yeah.

Who else would waste their money
on such a frivolous achievement?

Pfft!

_

They let you have a phone?

"I snuck it in my butt."

TMI!

[TEXT MESSAGE SENT SOUND]

- [TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED SOUND]
- "Come visit me"...?

I don't think so.

[TEXT MESSAGE SENT SOUND]

- [TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED SOUND]
- "Suck my"...

[CHUCKLES]

This guy is a menace!

[SEXY HIP HOP b*at AND SAXOPHONE MELODY]

[WOMEN MOANING]

♪

♪

♪

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