01x09 - Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Holly.

Can you put the gourd in the horn o' plenty? Oh, sure.

Hey, Gary, would you grab that thing? Sure.


[loudly]

What's that? Just give it to me.

I'm sorry.

Speak up? That joke kills at my house.

I'm so glad we decided to have Thanksgiving here this year.

I do not know if I could take another year at Aunt Wanda's.

Is she really that bad? Dinner there is like a last meal in prison.

Except you don't get to die.

If you guys hated it so much, why did you always go? Well, because I have a very healthy sense of self
-worth, so once a year it's nice to go to Aunt Wanda's and have her crush my spirit by criticizing my posture, career, and "man
-repellent" hairdo.

Well, you can tell her that your hairdo snagged me.

Oh, no.

She'd hate you.

Well, at least she doesn't treat you like a baby.

Where's my Holly
-Wolly
- Woo
-Woo? Right here, getting ready to punch you in the neck! Thank you so much for getting us out of that.

I have been scared of her long enough.

It was time to take a stand.

Hey, since we're having Thanksgiving here,
- we don't have to dress up, do we?
- Nope.

Can we eat pumpkin pie first? We can do whatever we want.

Can we do sick amounts of internet shopping? What does that have to do with Thanksgiving? You said we could do whatever we wanted.

Well, I'm just glad that I'm spending Thanksgiving here instead of at the annual Thorpe family codfish extravaganza.

Codfish? You don't eat turkey on Thanksgiving? Oh, no, no, no.

Turkey
-
- sacred in my family.

One actually saved my great
-grandfather's life.

Well, they are known for their heroism.

True.

See, according to legend, my great
-grandfather was out taking a walk on Thanksgiving morning and got lost in the blizzard.

Yeah, he wandered around for hours, until he came upon a wild turkey who led him back to safety.

Yeah, and that brave bird was the last turkey my family ever ate.

I mean, I love turkey.

I'm kind of a connoisseur, if you will.

Do you have your bird lined up? 'Cause I can point you in the right direction.

You can point me in the right direction? Uh
-uh.

I'm the turkey expert.

I am Mr.

Turkey.

Whoa, whoa.

I'm Mr.

Turkey.

No, no, no.

Guys, not really a nickname you want to fight over.

You want to learn about turkeys, you come with me tomorrow.

I'll introduce you to my turkey guy.

Oh, no, no, no.

Y
-you didn't just say you're going to go to one of your guys? Oh, no, this isn't like my oral surgery guy.

This guy knows what he's doing.

Well, it sounds kind of shady.

I don't want a shady turkey.

Can't you just get one from the store? No, no, no, no.

This is your first Thanksgiving in your own home, and I'm getting you the best turkey money can buy.

I just hope you know your way around a turkey.

If there's one thing Mr.

Turkey knows, it's turkey.

Okay, next person who says "turkey" gets punched in the neck.

Hey! Uh
-huh What I like about you You really know how to dance When you go up, down, jump around Talk about true romance Yeah Keep on whispering in my ear Tell me all the things that I wanna hear 'Cause it's true What I like That's what I like about you What I like That's what I like about you What I like about you That's what I like about you What I like about you Hey! Your guy sells turkeys out of a flower shop? I thought you said this wasn't going to be shady.

It's not shady.

There are actual shades.

And are you telling me this guy sells quality product? Only if you think a slow
-cooked MacArthur Red is quality.

A MacArthur Red? The most succulent bird in North America? You are the true Mr.

Turkey.

Can I help you with something? Yeah, I think so.

Tommy sent me.

You're here for the MacArthur Red.

Ooh
-hoo
-hoo
-hoo! Is he cool? No, but he'll be okay.

You got the $200? Right here.

Hey, what's going on back there? That's where I keep my high
-end product.

High
-end? A MacArthur Red's the best turkey on the planet.

That was true eight months ago.

Okay, I'll see you guys later.

Wait.

Can I see it? Why not? Oh, can we get him, please? I promise I'll take good care of him! What is it? This is a MacArthur Gold.

A MacArthur Gold? You've heard of it? Well, I've heard of it, sure, but
-
- but I thought it was just a myth, like Bigfoot or that old "you'll go blind" thing.

It looks delicious.

That kind of turkey is not for eating.

It's not? Well it's for eating, obviously, but you know what I mean.

How much? $400.

Yeah, I think we'll just stick with the MacArthur Red.

Come on, man.

You know, while we're here, we ought to get the girls some flowers.

Hey, these flowers aren't for sale.

Hey, Val, check me out
-
- as a part of our new Thanksgiving tradition, I am going to spend the whole day in a robe and slippers.

Go take a shower and get dressed.

We're going to Aunt Wanda's.

What? Yeah.

I changed my mind.

Let's go.

You can't change your mind.

You already called to cancel.

Actually
-
- ha ha
-
- I may not have called.

What happened to you
-took
-a
-stand and you've
-been
-scared long
-enough? Well, as it turns out, I'm going to be scared just a little bit longer.

I can't believe you haven't called.

We've had this planned for weeks.

I wanted to, but I keep having this recurring nightmare.


- What is it?
- We're at the Macy's parade, and we look up and we see a giant Aunt Wanda balloon chasing us.

Sh
-she's pointing and laughing at my hair, and then you scream, "It's not the haircut, it's the humidity!" Then we all started break dancing.

Eccch! It was just a dream.

No.

It is a sign that we are supposed to go to Aunt Wanda's, and you need to work on this.

So do you.

Fine, go.

Because I'm staying here.

I'm not afraid of Aunt Wanda.

You didn't see her in balloon form.

Don't you know what the first Thanksgiving was all about? The Pilgrims came all the way to America so they wouldn't have to spend another holiday with their annoying English relatives.

Look, if you don't call her, I will.

No.

Fine, I will do it.

I'm an adult.

What are you going to say? I'm going to tell her the truth.

If she doesn't like that, well, that's just too bad.

Hi, Aunt Wanda.

It's Valerie.

Listen, Holly and I aren't going to be able to make it for Thanksgiving this year.

Why? Uh, well, the truth is, and you may not like hearing this but, uh Holly's very sick.

II'll keep you posted.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Don't look at me like that.

Just to be clear, this doesn't mean "wuss out.

" You know, the MacArthur Red has a higher I.

Q.

than any other breed of turkey.

Yeah? What's its I.

Q.

? Sure is a nice turkey.

Yes, it is.

You should feel really good about that turkey.

I do.

Good.

Good.

'Cause i
-it's great to feel good.

Why wouldn't I feel good about it? Oh, no reason.

I just don't want you to feel like you settled.

I don't.

Good! Good.

'Cause if second
-best is good enough for Mr.

Turkey, it's good enough for me.

By the way, you can trust me.

I won't tell Val anything.

About what? Well, you promised Val the best turkey money can buy, and that turkey just happens to be sitting in a flower shop under a disco ball.

Yeah, but $400 is a lot of money for a turkey.

I know, I know.

But this really isn't about a turkey, is it? This is about you and Val.

What? Oh, yeah.

But it's best not to put a price on the relationship, Especially if it's under $400.

Here, you hold it.

It disgusts me now! Maybe we should try this tablecloth.

No! This one's perfect.

The table looks beautiful.

We should take a picture.

Actually, there already is one.

See? Now all we need is a cocker spaniel, asleep next to a roaring fireplace.

Hey, I could put my sock monkey next to the stove.

That'll work.

Hey, remember what we were doing at Aunt Wanda's this time last year? Yeah.

Dad was in the living room pretending to like football, and we were in the kitchen pretending to like Aunt Wanda.

Oh, yeah.

And she insisted on playing that freaky antique music machine.

You mean the record player? That's the one!
[knock on door]

Ooh, I'll get it.

It's probably the guys with the turkey.

Aunt Wanda.

She's here.


- She's here?
- She's here.


- Aunt Wanda's here?
- Yes.

What am I going to do?
- Hide!
- I can't hide.

She's already seen me.

Sucks for you.

I'll be on the fire escape.


[Aunt Wanda]

: Holly? Holly, are you in there? And I may jump.

Holly! Get back in here and get rid of all this Thanksgiving stuff.

I'll go out there and stall her.

Wait.

Or we escape together, change our names, and get a fresh start in Cincinnati.

No, no.

Just get moving.

Aunt Wanda.

Wh
-why are you here? I came to check on Holly.

Why did you slam the door in my face? Uhgerms.

Yeah, Holly's got germs, and they're everywhere.

Ugh! You better get going.

Ugh! Ooh! Stupid horn o' plenty! Are you going to let me in or not? Uh, sure, yeah.

But first, I want to ask you a question.

Okay.

Uhwhat's up? Oh, Valerie! No! You know, you haven't said anything about my new haircut.


- I think it's very flattering.


- You do? Yes.

It draws attention away from your ears.


[Val]

: I'm opening the door now.

Oh! She's very, very sick.

Oh, where's my Holly
-Wolly
-Woo
-Woo? Righty
-righty
- here
-here.

Now, listen, don't you worry about a thing.

I'm here, and I'm not leaving until you feel better.


[Both]

: No! I can't let you do that.

You have a house full of people over for Thanksgiving.

You let me worry about that.

Now, I need a whole onion, four cloves of garlic, a cup of canola oil, and two raw eggs.

I think I have some power bars in the cabinet if you want a snack.

No.

It's not for me.

It's for Holly.

We need something to clean out her system.

I'm okay.

I'm pretty sure my system is self
-cleaning.

Thanks.

I almost forgot, I'm going to need some cayenne pepper.

Do something! Uh, Aunt Wanda, about your little remedy there
-
- um, Holly hasn't been able to keep anything down.

Oh, that's okay.

She's not going to take it orally.

Val! Sorry, kiddo, sometimes you just gotta take one for the team.

I can't believe I just spent $400 on a turkey.

Not a turkey.

A MacArthur Gold! And trust me, when we're eating it, we will not regret the money we spent.

You didn't spend any money.

And I don't regret it.

You know what? I don't even care about the money.

I told her I'd get the best, and I did it.

It will all be worth it when I see Val going back for seconds.

She'll stop there, right? I mean, it's my Thanksgiving, too.


[rumbling]

Oh, man! This is not good.


[Man on P.

A.

]

: Ladies and gentlemen, we're experiencing a problem with a train in front of us, so we'll be stuck here indefinitely.


[passengers groan]

And on behalf of the transit authority, I'm required to wish you a happy Thanksgiving! Hey, do you think that flower guy was serious about the MacArthur Platinum? Nah.

No turkey has an I.

Q.

of 12.


[blender whirring]

What are we gonna do? For starters, we're definitely buying a new blender.

You know, we wouldn't even be in this situation if you had just told the truth in the first place.

No, we wouldn't be in this situation if you had paid attention to my Aunt
-Wanda
- as
-balloon dream.

Well, I've done the best I can with this cheap blender.

So if it's a little lumpy, you can blame your sister.

Did you hear that? It's lumpy! We need a plan, and we need it now.

Okay.

Umuh Oh, wait.

Why don't I just say I feel better? Ooh.

I like that.

Okay, Holly, ready? You know what, Aunt Wanda? I feel better.

Yeah.

Doesn't she look better? No, not really.

Hey, could a sick person do this? Huh? Um, what about this? She can't really do this, either.

Honey, you don't have to be brave for me.

Aunt Wanda, she's fine, really.

You know, you're not looking so hot yourself.

Maybe I should whip up a bigger batch.

No! What? Aunt Wanda, I lied to you.

Holly isn't sick.

She never was.

We just didn't want to go to your house for Thanksgiving.

We wanted to have it here
-
- just us.

Well I see.

Are you okay?
[voice breaking]

No, I'm not.

I've just been rejected by my favorite niece and her sister.

Don't cry.

Look, you misunderstood.

It's not that we don't love you.

It's just that we
-
- We miss Dad.

That's right! We do.

We just both thought that with him in Japan and all, it would be just too hard on us to see his empty seat at the table.

We just thought, with our worlds being all turned upside down and everything, it would be better if we spent a quiet day here to ponder.

And reflect.

On Dad.

Right.

I am so proud of you.

Of me? It's amazing that such a young girl could be so emotionally mature and honest.

You could take a lesson from this one.

Hey, that whole missing Dad thing was mine.

I mean, I felt that way first.

All right, I'll let you girls have your day.

And if you need anything, you know my number.

You know, that felt pretty good standing up to Aunt Wanda.

Yeah, I noticed you got real brave when it was your turn to take one for the team.

Well, then let me ask you this
-
- if we were trapped down here forever, and we had to form our own government
-
- Stop! I don't know, okay? I don't know how many jelly beans it takes to fill up this car, I don't know how to read a flow chart, and I definitely don't know what your stage name should be.

I'm thinking of going with Chili Styles.


[Man on P.

A.

]

: Ladies and gentlemen, maintenance workers have just arrived on the scene, and it's going to be at least another hour.


[passengers groan]

Man, I'm starving! Me too! I haven't eaten anything all day.

That MacArthur Gold is smelling good.

Excuse me, I know that some of you are probably starting to get a little hungry with it being Thanksgiving and all, so in the spirit of the holiday, I'm willing to share my candy bar with anyone who wants some.

And I have a bottle of water if anybody's thirsty.

I have a half a bag of raisins and some chewable vitamins.

And in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am willing to share the story of a blizzard, an old man, and a very brave turkey.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your dining pleasure, I present to you the MacArthur Gold! I hope it's as good as it looks.

It was a big hit on the "D" train.

Now, we didn't eat any of it, 'cause we wanted to share the experience with you guys.

Good thing, 'cause there's no way Holly and I could eat all that.

All right, shout out
-
- dark meat orbone? Wait, wait, wait.

I want to say something first.

Okay, the day so far has kind of sucked, but it's finally just us, the way we planned.

So, the perfect Thanksgiving starts right now.


[knock on door]

Or in just one minute.

I'll get it.

Hey, was there any change from that hundred I gave you for the turkey? Oh, no! Aunt Wanda! What are you doing here again? We finished dinner, and we were thinking about you, and it just didn't seem right that you should be alone today.

Now, I couldn't get your dad here, so I got the next best thing.

A robot? No, your family! Come on in, everybody! Isn't this great?
[shouting]


[Aunt Wanda]

: That's it, everybody.

Sit down.

Make yourselves comfortable.

I'm Aunt Wanda.

Are you Val's boyfriend? Uh, no.

I'm, uh, Styles.

Chili Styles.

Hey.

Hey.

You better get back in there.

Uncle Bob's going to do that thing where he flips his eyelids inside out.

Nah.

I think I'll just hang out here.

What's the matter? Well, look.

Our perfect Thanksgiving lasted all of 10 seconds.

That's okay.

We'll make it up next year.

I know, but it's our first one together, just the two of us, and I wanted it to be special for you.

Trust me, I will never forget this Thanksgiving.

Hey, look what Gary rescued.

And you get the first taste.

Nah, I'm not in the mood for any turkey right now.

No, it's not just any turkey.

It's a MacArthur Gold! I don't know, that's what they keep saying.

Okay, fine.

Ha ha.

It does smell really good.

Oh, my God.

That's the best thing I've ever tasted in my life.

This may have actually saved Thanksgiving.

Wow.

I'm gonna take a little piece.


- I got to try some first.


- Me first.

And in the dumpster.

How good was it? Amazing.

Yeah, but no turkey is good enough to search through a dumpster for.


- No way.


- Yeah, of course not.

Chili Styles?