03x04 - God Help The Mister

[bunniefuu]

Honey, we're engaged now.

I really think you should let me start keeping some of my stuff here.

Hey, Val, I got us some coffees.

Whoa, somebody needs a wax.

You're supposed to be at NYU.

And you're supposed to have blond hair and boobies.

Oh, Holly, you're not supposed to be here.

Uh, honey, why don't you go upstairs and change into your man clothes? But the silk
-
- it makes me feel so pretty.

Okay, who's the greatest maid of honor ever? You.

I just found a mistake in the seating chart for your wedding, but don't worry.

I'm gonna fix it.

I'm sorry.

What? Yeah, you forgot to put Ben and me at the same table.

No problemo.

I just did a little rearrange.

No, no, no.

You cannot do that.

No, this took weeks of planning.

Everything is in ink.

White
-out.

Look, there's room for me next to Ben if I just move Aunt Ellen's friend Sue to this table.

No, you cannot move Aunt Ellen's friend.

Why not? Because that's her special friend.

Like Special Olympics? Like Lesbian Olympics.

Okay, so just add another chair to the head table, and Ben can sit next to me there.

No, the head table is for the wedding party only, not some foreign boy you picked up in a bar.

Okay, that foreign boy is my boyfriend, and if he can't sit next to me
-
- Girls, girls, girls, I did not like what I was hearing when I was listening at the door.

Now, before it gets ugly, I just want you to know that I am willing to step in as maid of honor if you can't resolve your differences or someone drops a fat
-free muffin and Holly slips on it.

Look, it is my wedding and not Ben's.

If you can't be away from him for one hour to enjoy a lovely chicken and fish entrée with your sister on the most important day of her life
-
- Okay, you know what? Just put me and that foreign boy wherever you want.

Good.

I will.

Wow.

Holly seems so upset.

I'd better make sure no one pushes her down the stairs.

* You really know how to dance * * When you go up, down, jump around * * Talk about true romance * * Yeah * * Keep on whispering in my ear * * Tell me all the things that I wanna hear * * 'Cause it's true * * What I like * * That's what I like about you * * What I like * * That's what I like about you * * What I like about you * * That's what I like about you * * What I like about you * * That's what I like about you * * What I like about you * * That's what I like about you * * What I like about you * * That's what I like about * * Hey * * Uh
-huh * * Uh
-huh * * That's what I like about you * I don't understand why Val hates Ben.

I mean, what's the big deal if I sit next to him at her wedding? Maybe she wants you sitting next to an American.

So if we take pictures, there's no accent.

Ahem.

I think you should let Val do whatever it is she wants to do.

I mean, it's the most important night of her life.

I mean, she's getting married.

You gotta be a little sensitive.

If she's sitting me next to Tina, 'cause if she is, I won't come.


- Holly, can I just say something?
- What? I hate Gary.

Maybe Gary's right.

I need to be way sweeter to her, and whatever my sister needs, I'm gonna be there for her.

If she trashes my boyfriend one more time, she's gonna be eating her bouquet.

Hey, there's my girl.

You guys are not gonna believe this.

I just got called for an audition.

The guitar player for Coldplay's opening act just got an intestinal parasite.

He's gonna have the runs for months.

How awesome is that? That's huge! Coldplay's so over.

Okay, so, when is it? When is it? In, like, an hour.

And I need my good
-luck charm to come with me.


- All right, let's go.


- Oh, no, wait, I can't go.

I have the fitting for my maid of honor's dress, and I have to be there on time and be really sweet to her because I've been really biatchy.

What if I sing a really fast song?
- Maybe you could do both.


- Okay.

Oh, my lord.

This diner finally has something delicious in it! That's Danielle.

You know her? Yeah, I mentioned her before.

You never mentioned her last name was my future baby's mama.

Danielle, hey.


- Hey.


- How are you? Who's this guy? I'm sorry.

This is Gary.

Gary, Danielle.

Danielle, Gary.

Danielle goes to NYU, and she's a dancer.

Gary goes to NYU, and he's an ass.

Ha ha ha ha! Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina.

SoDanielle, uh, have I seen you on campus? Are we in a class together? No, I don't think so.

Oh, well, you know, I just thought I might've seen you in Econ or Finance or Marketing, you know, because I'm a business major.

Yeah.

So you're looking at the next Donald Tr*mp.

With better hair, obviously.

And ebony.

Can we meet up later? Oh, why, yes, we can.

I was talking to Tina, and, actually, I'm running late.

Oh, that's cool, that's cool.

I'll call you later.

Ooh, that girl was feeling me! Okay, Gittle, you know you're not supposed to be pinning it to my ankles, right? Oh, that dress looks beautiful on you.

Oh, don't you just think so? It really shows off my back.

I love my back.

No one expects your back to have a six
-pack.

Where is Holly? She's 45 minutes late.

You know, it's not too late to make me your moh.

Moh? M
-o
-h.

Maid of honor.

Yeah, I guess you have to be one seven times before you learn the lingo.

Okay, oh, I am so sorry I'm late, but Ben got this amazing last
-minute audition due to intestinal parasites, and he got it! Well, not the parasites
-
- the gig! He's in the opening band for Coldplay on November 17th.

The night of my bachelorette party? Yes, but wipe that terrified look off your face.

No, I like the terrified look.

I'm very comfortable with it right now.

You are so cute, Val.

Do you think I would really miss your bachelorette party? I wouldn't miss that for anything.

What kind of maid of honor
-
- no, no, no, no, no
-
- what kind of sister do you think I am? The best! Come here.

You're gonna miss Ben's gig for my party.

No.

On the way over here, I called the Soho house and moved your bachelorette party to the following night.


[gasps]

Oh, thank you, Jesus.

Wait, I cannot believe what I am hearing.

Okay, Gittle, get me the maid of honor dress.

You changed the date of my bachelorette party? You had no right to do that, Holly.

You know, honey, could you slutty this up a little bit, because mama's not going home alone.

Okay, Val, what's the big deal? I only moved it one day.

I don't care if you moved it one minute.

You had no right to do that.

Okay, look, I was just trying to make everybody happy.

Look around, Holly.

Who in this room is happy? Hear me, and hear me good.

My bachelorette party is November 17th, and if you don't want to be there, fine.

Go listen to your little boyfriend sing.

Oh my "little boyfriend"? What's that supposed to mean? It means if you can't find a way to put the woman who took care of you your entire life first for one night, then maybe that woman doesn't want you as her maid of honor.

Well, if that woman can't be understanding of the girl whose boyfriend got an unbelievable gig and wants to be there for him, as well as for her, then that girl doesn't want to be her little maid of honor.

Fine.

Consider yourself fired.

No, no, no, you can't fire me.

I quit.

So it's official? I'm maid of honor? Yeah.

Did you hear that, you little Russian ball of fun? I'm maid of honor! Danielle, what a coincidence.

Do I know you? I'm Gary.

From the diner.

The ass.

Oh, right.

Bye.

Wait a minute now.

I mean, what are you doing here? Are you following me? I teach dance.

Girl, I study the dance.

Really, and, uh, whose class are you in? I'm in, uh, uh that one.

Ha! That's the one I teach.

Oh, my damn! Look, obviously, Tina told you I teach a class here, and you ran over here because you
-
- Excuse me, Miss "I am all of that.

" I am taking this dance class because my dance partner signed us up.

In fact, she's in there waiting for me right now.

Well, uh, you'd better get in there and find her.


[chuckles nervously]

Howdy, partner.

What kind of freak fires her maid of honor? I mean, can you believe how out of control Val is being? It's like you both needed a kidney and I gave it to you.

Who moves someone else's bachelorette party? She actually put him first.

I mean, have I ever put you first? What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I was here first.

Yeah, well, I'm leaving first.

Unh
-unh
-unh
-unh.

Nobody's going anywhere.

Did you trick me into coming down here? No, it was Ben's idea.

After you told me that Val was getting on your nerves by not talking to Holly.

Oh, so I was getting on your nerves
-
- Val, sit down.

Over there.


- Holly, join her.


- I don't wanna.


[pleading]

Join her, Holly.

All right, it's time to get everything out in the open.

Val feels, "Oh, my God, "changing the date of my bachelorette party "really, really hurt me, and if I talk anymore, I'm gonna cry.

" Holly feels, "Excuse me, "but I was just trying to do the right thing "for my boyfriend and for my sister.

God, Val!" Well, you know what? You have known your sister a lot longer than your boyfriend, and I think she should take priority here.

There.

Open enough for you? Well, I'm sorry, but I like both of you, and I'm just trying to balance everything, and I'm just a little girl.

Oh, enough with the little girl crap! All right, I think what we need here, perhaps, is a little negotiation.


- All right, I'm listening.


- Go ahead.

I'm thinking, the problem is We don't spend enough quality time together! You know? Just the two of us.

Like it used to be.

Yeah, I was also gonna suggest that We should both set aside one night a week to be together
-
- just the two of us.

No boyfriends, no wedding plans, no matter what.

No, that's ridiculous.

I have to schedule time to be with my sister? Apparently, you do.

How the hell's Wednesday work for you? Tuesday would be better.


- Fine.


- Dinner and a freakin' movie?
- Sounds like a blast.


- Okay, I'll meet you at your place at 7:00.

7:30.

And your place is my place.

Oh, nice top, by the way.

Thanks, it's yours.

Wow.

You really have Holly down.

Oh, my God, your Val was uncanny.

Thanks.


[tap dancing]

Great.

Everybody's doing really great.

Except one person.

Okay, kids, let's take a break.

Get yourselves a juice box.

You're pathetic.

I know you are, but what am I? Come on, seriously, haven't you had enough? Obviously, you're not a dancer.

Yeah, well, maybe not this kind of dancer, but I got a couple of moves.


[dance music playing]

* Mirror, mirror on the wall * * Tell me, mirror, what is wrong * * Can it be my de la clothes * * Or is it just my de la song? * * What I do ain't make
-believe * * People say I sit and try * * But when it comes to being de la * * It's just me, myself, and I * Whoo! You wanna come to my birthday party? So about the maid of honor title, I am so sorry and I love you so much, but the thing is, Holly and I got back together, so unfortunately, I'm gonna have to let you go.

What do you think, Gittle? Is that warm enough, sensitive enough?
[sobs]

Hi.

Hey, what's going on? Did you hear? No.

Lauren, I'm so sorry.

No, no, just please stop, okay? It's easy to be a good winner.

What's more impressive is to be a good loser.

I wanted it so much! You know what? I'm good.

So who are you cooking for? Holly.

Ohsuper.

Yeah, we decided we're gonna put aside one night each week to be together
-
- kinda like a date night for sisters.

Oh, well, that's healthy.


[whispers]

: She's crazy.

So, whatcha making? Oh, all of Holly's favorite things.

It's gonna be so much fun, just like the old times.

No guys.

Just us gals.

YeahI don't have a sister.

Lauren No, it's okay, you know? You learn to be your own best friend.

How you doing, G.

? You got any dinner plans for tonight? You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you? Hey, I think I once ran over a guy with a car.

Man, I feel so much better confessing that to someone.

Let's go.

Let's giddyap, Gittle.

Okay.

Mmm, wow, what smells so good? Oh, roast chicken and old lady.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you something right now that if we weren't already getting married, you'd want to marry me.

Who's your favorite singer? Michael Bolton.

Let me rephrase.

Who's your favorite singer of all time? The best entertainer to appear onstage anywhere, anytime Prince.

Yes! So, I guess if your fiancé were to score two tickets tonight to his concert at Radio City, then Shut up.

Put on your raspberry beret! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

What? Tonight is my thing with Holly.

But, honey, it's Prince.

And there were scalpers involved.

Oh, I can't do it.

Tonight's the first night of our weekly get
-togethers.

If I cancel on her, what is that saying about my feelings for her
-
- that Prince is more important than my sister? All right.

I get it.

I guess I can get somebody else to go.

No! I mean, maybe I can make both work, okay? Uh, maybe I can move up the sister dinner.

What time's the concert? downstairs at 6:45.

Okay, yes, I'll just move the dinner up to 5:00, and we'll bond until 6:30, and then I'm going to see Prince! Oh, my goodness!
- Hey.


- Hey.

Rick sent me over to give this to Val.

Oh, what is it? Excuse me, I don't look in the packages.

I took an oath.

I'm a professional.

God.

Ticket to the Prince concert tonight.

Third row, center.

"Val, I'm running late.

Meet you in front of the theater at 7:00.

Rick.

"
[gasps]

No wonder she wants to have dinner at 5:00.

She's standing me up for a boy.

After all that crap she gave me about Ben? You should break up with Ben.

What? What? I don't know, I gotta go.

It's almost 6:00.

Where the hell have you been? I meanlet's eat.

Aww Val, what's the rush? This is our big night together.

We wanna make it last and last! But, Holly, come on, I'm starving here.

And
[yawns]

I'm feeling kind of sleepy.

Maybe we should make it an early night.

No way.

I've been looking forward to this all week.

This is our big night to catch up with each other.

But first, I'm gonna take a shower.

No, no, no, no, you know what? I'm gonna take a bath.

A long, leisurely bubble bath.

No, no, no! You can't.

There's no hot water left.

I used it all for the broccoli.

Okay, come here, sit down.

Here we go.

Let's eat.

Here's your fork.

Wow pizza bagels.

You really went all out.

Yep.

Ha ha.

Dig in.

Wait, Val, didn't we forget something? We didn't say grace.

Yeah, for the last 18 years.

Lord, thank you for this abundance of cheese.

This bounty of tomato sauce, this smattering of olives
-
- Yeah, I think God's got bigger fish to fry, all right, so wrap it up.


- Amen.


- Amen.

Mmm.

Dessert? Val, no, wait, we haven't even talked yet.

Tell me about your week.

I wanna hear the good, bad, the happy, the sad, the boring Okay.

Let's see, um, no, nothing new with me.

You? Hmm well, Monday at 9:00, I went to get on the subway, but the entrance on Broadway was closed.

Then on Tuesday, it was open.

Oh What's the matter? I think I ate too fast.

Hmm.

Oh, no.

Yeah, maybe I should go down to the pharmacy and get some of that Pepto
-Bismol.

Well, you might not want to go to the pharmacy without your Prince ticket.

You are so busted.

Holly, I'm so sorry.

I'm a horrible, horrible person, but Prince, Holly, Prince! Val, I cannot believe that you would let a date with a boy come between you and your sister! What does that say about us, Val, huh
-
- that I'm not a priority? No, of course you're my priority, but Prince is only here for one night, Holly.

Go! Really? Yes, really, it's Prince.

Val, we can do this dinner any night.

That's the thing about sisters.

We can do anything to each other, and we'll always know that we'll be there for each other.

And we don't need to make an appointment to prove it.

I hate it when you're smarter than me.

Get used to it, baby.

Okay, now go.

Get the hell outta here.

You are so awesome!
- Hey
- Yeah? You know I love you.

Yeah, yeah, quit smothering me, would you?