04x03 - Alone at PCA

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- This is great.

- Can't wait.
[laughter]

- Ow.
- [giggling]

- What's up, my peeps?

- Hey, Stacey.
- Where are you guys going

for semester break?

My parents are taking me skiing

in Steamboat Springs.

- Uh-huh.
- Wow.

- We're going camping.

- Coco is taking us.
- Up to Yosemite.

- Oh, well, be careful.

Yosemite
has a lot of wild bears.

- See?

I told you
there's a lot of wild bears

in Yosemite.

And what'd you all say?

[falsetto]
"Oh, no, Michael,

"there's no wild bears
in Yosemite.

That's crazy talk."

[Coco shrieking, crying]

- I think that's Coco.

- [wailing]

- Uh-oh.

- [wailing]

- Hey, Coco, why are you--

[Coco continues wailing]

[Coco continues wailing]

- Um, Coco?
- I can't go camping.

Leave me alone.

- Okay, what do you mean
you can't go camping?

- What's the problem?
- I thought Carl, my boyfriend,

might be cheating on me.

- Aw.
- So I went to his house

and I climbed up the tree
in his front yard

to wait for him
to come home, right?

- Of course.
- Makes sense.

- And I thought
he was gonna bring home

another girl, which he did,

but it was his mother.

- Okay, well, that's good.

- No, 'cause the branch
I was sitting on broke

and I fell on her.

- Oh, my God.
- Was she hurt?

- I don't know.
Carl says she has fractured neck

or something.

- Okay, so then what happened?

- He called me a lunatic,
then broke up with me.

So now I have to drive to Fresno
and fix this.

- You can't just leave us here
at PCA.

- It's our semester break.

[honks horn]

COCO: [continues wailing]

- Wait!
- What are we supposed to do?

- How could she just
leave us all here?

- Who packs a whole suitcase
full of ravioli and underwear?

- This was gonna be
our last week of fun

before me and Logan get stuck
with some nasty new roommate.

- Uh, don't remind me.

- Hey.
I thought you kids

would be on your way
to Yosemite by now.

- We should be.

- Coco had a meltdown
and took off.

- Oh.
She didn't take a PCA van,

did she?
- She did.

- Oh, dang it.

Every time
she takes one of our vans,

it comes back smelling like
fried chicken and tears.

- That woman does do
a lot of eating and crying.

- So, what are we
supposed to do all week?

- There's not gonna be
anyone here.

- So make that
a positive thing.

You've got the whole campus
to yourselves.

Just you guys, me,
and a few stray faculty members.

I'm sure you can think
of some fun things to do.

[lively music]

[all giggling]

[laughing and shouting]

♪ ♪

MAN:
♪ 'Cause it's one fine day ♪

♪ Feel it when you're smiling
at me, and you say ♪

[all laughing]

♪ If we're coming together ♪

♪ You know we got to
go together ♪

♪ Coming together, you know
we got to go together ♪

[bell ringing]

[leaf blower buzzing]

- Yes!

[overlapping shouting]

- Yes!

♪ ♪

- Yay.

[laughing]

- Come here.
You're not going anywhere!

No, back up! No!

- Oh...
ohh!

MAN: Audrey, I realize
we're talking

about eating your relatives,

but I'm afraid
it may be necessary.

[laughter]

All right,
let's catch us some lunch!

I got a rod and reel!

♪ ♪

[pounding on door]

[pounding]

[pounding continues]

- You boys
are in serious trouble.

- It's one thing
to be three days late,

but to not even call?

Parents.
[line ringing]

MAN: The number you have dialed
has been disconnected

at the owner's request.

[dial tone]

DEAN RIVERS: You both know
why you're here?

Well, do you wanna confess?

- I'm sorry.

My apple tasted funny,
so I just heaved it.

I didn't know
it was gonna hit that squirrel.

- I have no idea
what he's talking about.

- This isn't about squirrels
or fruits.

It's about this.

This trophy was on display
in the hallway

on the first floor
of this building.

I admired it myself last night
on my way out.

But when I walked in
this morning,

it looked like this!

- Maybe you fell on it.

- I didn't fall on it!

If I fell on it,
how would I not know?

- 'Cause old people
forget stuff.

- Listen, there were only

two people in that hallway

between last night
and this morning.

Hemerald.

Play the security camera
footage.

[laughter, chatter]

- I got you.
- In the hole!

- That sure
looks a lot like you two.

Advance the tape to 12:41 a.m.

I think you both know
what happened next.

Play it.

[static]

You broke the security camera.

- He hit the ball.

- You sold me out--

- You boys
broke that security camera

and then you took
your hockey sticks

and bludgeoned
this golfing trophy.

My trophy.

- Your trophy?

- I won this
when I was a senior at PCA...

Over 30 years ago.

- Well, we didn't smash it.

- Don't make this worse
by lying.

- We're not lying.
- You wanna see

my hockey stick?
It's in perfect condition,

which it couldn't be
if we'd used it

to smash that trophy.

- Where's your hockey stick?

- I don't know.

- What do you mean
you don't know?

- I think I set it down
when I went to the snack machine

and then I couldn't find it.

- How convenient.
- Sir--

- You have two choices.

You boys
either admit what you did

or things are gonna get
a lot worse.

- We said we didn't do it.
- Fine.

Then as soon
as semester break's over,

we'll let the disciplinary
committee decide.

And if they say you're guilty,

you boys are out of PCA...

for good.

Until then,

you're both under dorm arrest.

[yelling]

- I want my grandma here.

My grandma would run you over--

- No, no, no.
Wait, no, please!

[thud]
MICHAEL: You are a mean man.

You are a mean, mean man,
both of you.

I want a lawyer.

Ow!

[knocking]
Open the door right now.

I know you hear me.

Hey, hey, I know you hear me
out there.

♪ ♪

QUINN: This is the longest
makeover ever.

- Perfection takes time.

Anyway, I...

am...

done.

- Ooh, spin me around.

But you said--

Wait a minute, how'd you--

You said you were gonna make me
look like a supermodel.

- I was.
But then I got bored,

so I did that.

What, you don't like it?

- No!
- Hey, we got a problem.

- What?
- What's wrong?

- Michael just called me
and said that he and Lo--

why is Quinn a clown?

- I got bored.

- What's wrong
with Michael and Logan?

- They're under dorm arrest.
- What?

- I don't know,
something about

smashing Dean Rivers'
golf trophy

with a hockey stick.
- Oh, well,

I'm sure they're innocent.

- They're guilty.
- Lola!

- Quiet, clown.

- Michael swore to me
they didn't do it.

- Then I believe him.
- Okay, if they're innocent,

then who smashed
Dean Rivers' trophy?

- That's what
we got to find out.

- Oh, no.
That's sounds like effort,

and I wanna work on my suntan.
- Come on,

there's less than a dozen
people on campus this week.

How hard could it be
to figure out who did it?

- Yeah.
You just interview everybody.

- [sighs] Okay.

- And I'll take Mark
and go check out the crime scene

after I de-clown myself.

- Okay, but hurry.
I bet the guys are freakin' out.

- I am freakin' out.
I am freakin' out, man.

[gasping]
- Relax.

- We're under dorm arrest.

If my grandma hears my name
in the same sentence

with the word "arrest,"
that lady's gonna

back over me
with her pickup truck.

And she's got big old
tractor tires on that thing.

How come you're so calm
about all this?

- 'Cause I'm rich,
and I'm innocent.

I'm also great-looking,

but that's just gravy.

- How do I know
you're innocent?

- 'Cause I was with you
last night.

MICHAEL: Not all the time,
remember?

I walked all the way
over by the library

'cause that's the only
snack machine

that's got
the raspberry doodle cakes.

I was the away from you
for at least ten minutes.

- Yeah, and that's when
I was walking back here.

- How do I know that?
- Well, how do I know

you really went
to the snack machine?

Prove it.
- I can't.

I've already digested
the doodle cake.

- For all I know,
while I was walking back here,

you went back to that hallway
with your hockey stick

and b*at Dean Rivers' trophy
to death.

- I told you,
I lost my hockey stick.

- Maybe you're lying.
- You take that back.

- No.
Why should I take that back?

- Because I'm telling
the truth.

- Show me the doodle cake.

- I already digested
the doodle cake.

- Show me the doodle cake.
- Leave me alone. No!

MARK: The scene of the crime.

- Ow.

ZOEY: Let's go interview
that lunch lady.

LOLA: Okay.
Hey.

Let's do the
good cop, bad cop routine.

You be nice, I'll be mean.
- Why?

- It makes people
confess to crimes.

- How?

- No one knows.
Just do it.

- Infrared scanner on.

[power down hum]

- Aah!

- Baby!

- So you're sure
you were nowhere near

the admin building
last night

between midnight and 1:00 a.m.

- I'm sure.
I was already in bed

asleep by 10:00--
- We're not idiots!

- I never called you anything.
- Where were you last night

between midnight and 1:00 a.m.?
- Now, you're scaring me.

- Excuse us.

- She's a liar.
That's a lying lunch lady!

That's a lying lunch lady!

- Excuse me, sir.

- [Irish accent]
Hi, what can I do for you?

- We were wondering
if you were near

the admin building last night
between midnight and 1:00.

- No, I don't know
anything about that.

- We want the truth!
- I am telling you the truth.

- Where were you
late last night?

- Quit screaming in me face!

- Um, we were just wondering
if maybe you, um--

- Did you smash the trophy?

- I never smashed nothin'.

- Um, we're sorry.
We just have one more question.

- Ah, that's all I need.
Get away from Seamus.

- Did you smash the trophy?

- I never smashed nary
or nothin', you little chicken!

- Liar!
- Haggis!

- We're sorry we bothered you.

- I'm sorry she exists.

- Tell us about the trophy!

- Well, quit upsetting me.

- Um, we'll be going now.

- No, not till this goomer
tells us the truth.

- Goomer!
That tears it!

You want the truth?

Say hello to me wee friend.

[girls screaming]

♪ ♪

QUINN: Okay.

Almost set here.

[screaming]

- Well, that was a big fat
waste of time.

- I know.
I don't think any of those

people we talked to
smashed that dumb trophy.

- I know who did it.
- You know?

- Who?
- Logan and Michael.

- What makes you say that?

- The evidence.

- Why is he looking
over there?

- Just tell us
what you found out.

- Well, I got a hockey stick
from the gym,

and I used it to bludgeon
this large coffee can.

- And?

- After magnifying
the dents on the can...

- And the dents
on Dean Rivers' trophy...

QUINN: It was definitely
a hockey stick

that smashed the trophy.

- [sighs]
So it was Logan and Michael.

STACEY: Oh. [laughs]

Hey, you guys.

- Stacey?
- What are you doing here?

- We thought you went skiing
with your parents.

- They're just a little late.

- Four days?
- Okay, they're a lot late.

I've been waiting patiently
in the admin building

parking lot since Friday.

I didn't wanna leave my curb,
but I got soaked

by the sprinkler,
so I had to dry myself.

- Maybe your parents
aren't coming.

- That is negativity,
and I don't swing that way.

- Wait.
You've been waiting

in the admin building
parking lot?

- Yes, so?

- On Friday night,

did you see anyone go in there?

- Just Michael and Logan,

I think to play hall hockey.

Oh!
And that PCA maintenance man.

What's his name?
Seamus?

- Did you see him do any--
STACEY: I got to go.

My parents could show up
any minute.

- That Seamus guy
told us he was off campus

Friday night.
- Maybe he lied.

- But why would he wreck
the trophy?

- So what's our next move?

Hello?

♪ ♪

- Man, dorm arrest
is so boring.

- Yeah.

There.

That's it.

- We're out of forks.

- There he is.

Seamus Finnigan.

- He was a student here at PCA.

- Yep.

Seamus graduated
the same year as Dean Rivers.

They were classmates.

- And now
he's a PCA maintenance man?

- Oh, my God, look at this.
- What?

QUINN: Seamus Finnigan
was on the PCA golf team

with Dean Rivers.
LOLA: No way.

- But what does all this prove?

- Yeah,
don't we need evidence?

- I wish we knew
where Michael's

stupid hockey stick was.

- Zo?

Zoey.

♪ ♪

Zo?

- Come with me.

[thud]

Hey, I hit something.

Michael's hockey stick.

- Looks like
our PCA maintenance man

has been a bad boy.

- Yeah, and see
these dent marks?

Like it's been used
to smash something over

and over again.

- Dean Rivers.

- Hi, girls.

What you got there?

- The m*rder w*apon.

The instrument used
to bludgeon your golf trophy.

- Ah, good.

So now I can prove
Michael and Logan did it.

- Nope.
- Seamus Finnigan did it.

- Seamus Finnigan?

I haven't seen that guy
in over 30 years.

- Then turn around,

you swaggerin' sack of mucus.

- Seamus.

- Aye. You thought
you'd never see me again,

did ya?

Didn't ya?

- When did you start
working here

as a maintenance man?

- I don't have
to answer questions

from the likes of you!

- Did you smash my trophy?

- Well, it wasn't
the twinkle fairy now, was it?

- But why?
- 'Cause that trophy

should've been mine!

I was a better golfer
than you.

I should've won that tournament,
not you.

- Do you want us
to call PCA security?

- Of course he does.
'Cause he's afraid of me,

just like you were
back in the old days.

Boo!

[laughing]

- Uh, I'm thinkin' we should go
get security.

- No.

We'll settle this
how we used to.

- Aye.

Aye, we will.

Counted the days
and nights for this, I have.

You remember the rules now,
don't ya?

- What rules?
- There ain't none!

- Ooh!
- [laughing]

Face it, Rivers.
You've lost your edge.

You're no match for me,

you business-suit-wearin'
daffodil.

[groaning]

[both grunting]

- You fight...

worse than you play golf.

- You take that back!

Aah!

- Ohh!

- You got my suit pants dirty.

- You ruined my life.

- Are you sure
you don't want us

to call security?

- Don't you dare.

Arrgh!

- [groaning]

- I haven't had this much fun
in years.

- Have your fun
on the ground!

That tears it!

[both grunting,
blows landing]

WOMAN:
♪ I've been waiting for you ♪

♪ Said you'd be here by now ♪

♪ But I've heard that before ♪

- Okay, now it's been
four days.

Clearly,
my parents aren't coming.

I've never been treated
with so much disrespect.

Well, I have,
but not by my parents.

- Okay,
I just wanna go on record

saying that me and Logan
owe you guys big time

for proving we were innocent.
- We do.

- Well,
we never doubted you guys

for a second.

- We didn't?

- No, we did not.

Eat your low-fat turkey wiener.

- So you guys never told us
who won the fight

between Dean Rivers and Seamus.

- Oh, yeah.

Who won?

- Uh...

I'd say old Seamus
got the best of me.

- Ah, now, don't go fibbin',

you dried-up old fruit bat.
[laughs]

Your handsome dean
whupped me halfway to Glasgow

and back again.

- No, no.

You won that fight.

- Ha!
Then explain these.

[laughter]

WOMAN: ♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away,
yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[ding]

MAN: Mmm.

LOLA: Quiet, clown.