03x04 - Mouth Candy

[bunniefuu]

- Test. Test one.

Puh. Puh puh. Puhhhhh--tato pants...

pretty Polly wore purple potato pants

to her Purim party in Pittsburgh.

Henry, how does that sound?

- Painful. Please p'stop.

- Kay, let's start the podcast!

- Alright let's cast our pod.

- Yeah!

In five, four, three, two...

Hellooo!

And welcome toooo...

Deep in the Man Cave!

Yesiree, this is the very first podcast starring

your very own Captain Man and...

- Kid Da-- [ text message ]

Hold up, I got a text. Sorry.

- Dang it!!!

Look, this isn't live, we can just start again.

- Okay. Why don't we just start World w*r Two again?

Why don't we call Leonardo da Vinci, and say

"Hey Leon, could you just build the Eiffel Tower again?!?"

- Okaaay.

Take two.

- In five, four, three...

two...Hello!

And welcome toooo...

[ singing together] - Deep In The Man Cave.

[ heavy metal plays ]

- Yes sirree, this is the very first podcast starring your very

own Captain Man and...

- Kid Danger.

- That's right.

So, Henry,

a couple months ago, you got into a little scuffle

with the stupidest criminal in Swellview, a guy named Jeff.

Remember that guy? What a character he was, huh?

- You called me Henry. - Can't hear what you're saying.

You called me Henry.

You gotta call me Kid Danger.

Okay that one wasn't my fault.

- Can we just do the ding-dang podcast?!?

- I'm sitting here.

- In five, four, three...

two...Hello!

And welcome toooo...

- Deep In The Man--

- You guys! - Aw come on!

- Please don't...

- Okay, that's it, we're outta headphones, so...

- We have an emergency!

- What, what is it? - It's Jasper!

- Ulllchhh.

He says that some crazy man is at school,

setting a buncha snakes loose in the hallways!

- Snakes? - I guarantee you

that's not happening.

- But Jasper sent me a-- - Oh, Who cares?

Last week Jasper called in an "emergency"

'cuz he saw a cloud shaped like a dinosaur.

Yeah,remember Fourth of July,

when he got all freaked out by the fireworks

cuz he thought America was being att*cked by Canada?

- Yeah.

I'd like to see Canada try to att*ck us.

Well before you guys ignore this,

you better watch the video Jasper just texted.

Hey, it's me, Jasper.

And I'm in the school hallway--

oh my god, look! A snake!

Oh, and there's more snakes! See?!?

Ah--uh--uh--Hurry!

I need backup!

- [ sighs ] C'mon. We gotta go check this out.

- Great. Yeah, let's ruin our afternoon

to go help Jasper.

- Ooo, somebody's got his "manties" in a bunch today.

- Uh, I don't wear "manties" thank you.

- Ray...

- I wear boys underwear.

- Up the tube!

- Stupid Jasper, I swear that kid--

- Puh. Puh.

[ clears throat ]

♪ Oh, Canada

♪ Our home and native land

- It all just kinda happened.

I wanted an after-school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero

hired me to be his sidekick.

- Ah!

- Now we blow bubbles...

and fight crime.

[ music ]

- Call it. - Up the tube!

- Aw, my boot! - Ha!

- [ muffled ] You gotta untie me, please...

Untie me.

- I have no idea what you just said,

but I'll assume it was a thr*at, so...

[ zap ]

- Hey! I'm here!

- Finally! What took you so long?!?

- He made us stop and get shaved ice.

- I like the watermelon.

- He likes the watermelon.

Hey, what's up with these snakes?!?

- I don't know

Look, there's one right over there!

- Oh. You mean this fake snake over here?

- How do you know it's fake? - I don't think it's fake!

- Oh c'mon...

They sell these things for five bucks a pop

at the Swellview county fair.

You seriously thought this thing was--reaahhhhhhh!!!

It's real! It's real!

- Will you quit bein' such a baby?!?

- Look, there's more snakes over there!

[ screams ]

- W-well how'd they get here?!?

- That freak brought 'em!!!

I saw him pullin' snakes out of a sack,

so I hit him with that fire extinguisher,

and tied him up with those extension cords!

- You! - Jed the janitor?!?

I swear I hate you more than I hate myself!

- Okay, will someone tell us what's goin' on here.

- Well, I-I saw-- - I'll tell ya what happened!

This school has rats!

So, I rented this protective suit and helmet,

and bought twenty-five snakes so they'd eat the rats!

- See? No emergency.

I knew it....I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

Way to go, Jasper

- But I-I-I--

- I'm gonna be talkin' about this on my podcast,

you can count on that.

- Uh, could I please be untied?

- Ah!!

Ah! Oww!

A snake...

A snake bit my elbow.

- That's our teacher, Miss Shapen.

- Oh yeah. Uh...

Kid, go handle that.

- Wh--?!? I don't know how to handle a snake bite!

- Just go over there, put her elbow in your mouth

and suck out the poison.

- But...

But that's gross!

- It's the only way to save her life, now get over there

- and suck out the poison! - I don't thin--daaaaahhh! Okay.

- Alright.

It's gonna be okay.

- Ooo, owwww... - It's all right.

- Hiya.

- Okay.

For the next two months, I don't wanna hear about

any more "crimes" from you. We clear?

- What if I see a burglary in progress?

- You shut up.

- What if I witness road rage?

- Shut up.

- What if I hear a ticking b*mb?

- Just chill.

Oh, and shut up.

- Go untie that self-loathing janitor.

- C'mon Kid Danger. [ Miss Shapen crying ]

We've got a podcast to do.

- Ow. - Ah!

[ spits ]

- Don't spit it into my purse!

- Ahhh!

- Ah, Jasper.

Good to see ya. How ya been?

- Well...

okay, I guess.

- Hey now.

What's wrong, son?

You seem sadder than a little girl on Christmas morning.

- Wouldn't a little girl on Christmas morning be happy?

- Well...imagine she's weird and has no friends.

[ bell ringing ]

- Ooo, there's the back doorbell.

I'll be back in two jiffs.

- Mitch Bilsky.

Stealing.

- Shut up.

- The candy boot.

[ alarm sounds ] - Ah crud!

- Ha! You're in trouble now, Mitch!

- Oh, yeah?

- What happened?

[ alarm stops ] Who took my candy boot?!?

- Him! Check it out. Candy boot.

No--No--I--I didn't take it! He took it!

- Noooo--he who holds it...

stolds it.

- What?!?

- Yeah! That is the familiar expression.

- Careful, Mister Sugarman...

That guy could be dangerous.

- Dangerous?

My favorite soup is broth!

- Well, good!

Then in jail they can call you the Hot Broth Burglar!

- Mister Sugarman, you know me!

- I'm on your wall!

- You were.

- Yeah, nice!

Now you better call the cops!

- Right!

-Uh, yeah. Call the cops.

Just as long as you don't call Captain Man and Kid Danger.

- Ooo yeah, do that!

Call Captain Man and Kid Danger on this piece of punk!

- Ohhh, you bet I will!

- I brought all that from home.

- Ah, he's a good boy.

- Okaaaay.

Captain Man and Kid Danger-- first podcast. Take four.

Hello! And welcome toooo...

[ together] - Deep In The Man Cave.

[ metal music plays ]

-Yes sirree, this is the very first podcast

starring you're very own Captain Man and--

[ alert rings ]

Ah, fudge and kumquats!!!

- Emergency!

Ray, pop a gum ball, there's somethin's goin' down

at that store, Mouth Candy.

- Gimme a roasted chicken. -[ computer ] Roasted chicken.

- Dude, you don't have time to eat a chicken!

- I'm not gonna eat it.

- Okay, that chicken did nothing to you.

[ arguing ]

- One at a time! - All right, all right.

- Woof,

- You two wait here

while Kid Danger and I go interrogate the...suspect.

- Yeah, whatever his name is.

- They call him the Hot Broth Burglar.

- No they don't!

- Owwwww! - Whoah!

- See that?!? See that? Do you See his violent nature?!?

- Ok, wait! - No!

- Hey--Hey, put down the jelly beans...

- But he-- - Hey!

Put the jelly beans down.

- Okay.

All right, did you really try to steal that candy boot?

- 'Course I didn't!

Mitch framed me!

- Ah okay. Crime solved--

now can we go do our podcast?

- Wait.

- What am I gonna do?!?

Mister Sugarman wants to put me in jail!

- Ok, relax--you're not goin' to jail.

- We'll just make him think you are.

All right, sir.

Kid Danger and I are gonna take this

rotten curly-haired misfit to jail.

- That's right. - Ha! Good!

- Hey Captain Man. - Kid Danger.

- Uh, hello. - Officers.

- We were just walkin' by and we saw you guys in here.

- Need our help?!? - Oh, no.

- Everything's fine - Everything's copacetic.

- Wait a minute... I've seen this kid before.

- Oh yeah--didn't he get arrested last year

- at Swellview Park? - Right

-- for usin' the ladies' bathroom.

That's messed up, man.

- No, it was only 'cuz my friend's little sister--

- Hey, and didn't you also get arrested last Christmas,

in City Hall, for wearin' more than one hat simultaneously?

- Well... - And today

he tried to steal this!

- That's right, he did!

- No I didn't!

I was just holding it!

- Well you know what they say.

- He who holds it, stolds it.

- Okay, somebody get me a dictionary

and show me the word "stolds!"

- Look, officers, no worries--

we're gonna take him to jail.

- You and Kid Danger, you do so much to help this city.

- No, no, it's fine. It's honestly fine

- Let us get this one for ya. - No, no, it's on the way

- Captain Man, Kid Danger! They're cuffing me!

- Stop resisting!

- Hey Mrs. Dunlop, - [ on phone ] Yeah, what.

Jasper is going to be spending the night at my place tonight.

- Who cares.

- Oh, you don't care. - Nope.

I gotta go.

- Okay, how are we gonna get Jasper outta jail?

- I don't know.

- Well, it's his third strike!

And if they convict him he could get twenty years!

- Then we better figure out a way to prove

that Mitch is the one who tried to steal

that stupid candy boot.

[ ring ring ]

- Ah, it's Ray.

- Yeah, okay.

- Henry, I got some good news.

- About Jasper?

-Better.

Got some new ideas for our podcast.

- Okay, Ray, it's the middle of the night,

I got school in the morning,

and one of my best friends is lookin' at

a possible twenty years in jail.

- Y'know, I'm startin' to feel

like I care way more about this podcast than you do.

- Oh, well that's probably 'cuz YOU DO!

You hear that?

All he cares about is recording his dumb podcast.

- Well, I think I got somethin' better for you to record.

- What? - Mitch.

- You want me to do a podcast with Mitch?

- No!!!

I'm saying...

you wear a wire.

- You mean like, a microphone?

- Uh-huh. - Okay

- And then, at school,

you casually start a conversation with Mitch,

get him to admit that he's the one

who really tried to steal the candy boot.

Then we take the recording to the cops and boom, Jasper's out.

- Okay..,

okay that's gooood.

But how am I gonna get Mitch to admit it?

- Dude, you're like a million times smarter than he is.

You really think so?

- Yeahhh.

[ static ]

- Hey...can you guys hear me okay?

- Yeah Kid, we hear you.

We're in a van across the street.

- Okay cool.

- Just get as close to Mitch as you can,

and try to get him to admit that he's the one

that stole the fried foot.

- The candy boot.

- Oh it matters.

Okay...whew, here we go.

[clears throat ] Ah, whoo, whoo.

- So, this is your van?

- This is my old van.

I have a way better one.

The Man Van.

- Well where is the Man Van?

- Schwoz took it to go see Charlie Puth.

- Really? Schwoz is a Puther?

- Oh yeah, big Puther.

- Heyyyy Mitch.

- What do you want, Hart?

- Nothin'.

Nothin', I just uh...

I heard you saw that jerk, Jasper Dunlop,

get arrested yesterday, at that Mouth Candy store.

- Ah, yeah, I did.

Yeah, man, it was hilarious.

He didn't even do nothin' wrong.

I was the one who tried to steal the candy boot.

Ha ha. Ha ha.

- Ah! Oh, ha ha!

That is--that is awesome.

- I know, man. - All right.

We'll See ya. - All right, man, take care.

- You guys, I did it! I did it! Did you hear?

- I just think Schwoz would be more into music

like Coldplay or some band like that.

- Nah, he's been into Puth for like way before it was cool--

- Look, guys did ya hear him admit it?!?

- Hello! Can you guys hear me?

- We were just talkin' about music.

What's goin' on?

- Wh--what's goin' on?!?

I just got Mitch to admit

that he's the one who stole the candy boot!

Were you not recording?

- Uhhhhhhh no...

Charlotte forgot to hit record. Sorry.

- I forgot?!?

- Oh, come on guys!

- Just go get him to say it again.

- Ok, fine, but you press record, you press it right now.

- Recording. - Thank you.

- Uh...What is this?

- Uhhh...that was either a banana or a hot dog.

- Ew!

- Heyyyyyyy Mitch.

- Dude--we're not even friends.

- No, I know...I know... I'm just...

I'm still not clear on, y'know, exactly what happened

at that store, Mouth Candy.

- All right man--I'll tell you one more time.

- Ooo. - Here we go.

- When the guy who owns the place went into the back...

- Yeeeeaaaahhh...? - I was the one who--

- Ahhh!

- Gotcha!

- Th-there's a dead bird in my locker!

- I know.

Read the note on his leg.

- It says...

"Do you wanna be my girl?"

No thank you, I have to go now.

- Oh well. Be free.

Lazy.

- Late. - Wait--no--no, wait--

- Henry? What's happening?

- Yeah, this isn't gonna work, that's what's happening!

- Hey Kid.

Y'know what'll make you feel lot better?

- What? - Doin' a podcast.

- Okay, listen Ray!

I'm not doin' a podcast with you or anyone else

until Mitch confesses and my friend Jasper is outta jail!

- Please? - No!

- All right fine!

Keep recording.

- What are you gonna do?!?

- What I shoulda done a long time ago.

- Ya mean clean this van?

- Where's Mitch Bilsky?

Bilsky!

Admit that you FRAMED Jasper Dunlop.

- Y-you can't force me to--

- Admit it, so I don't have to punch you in the face

and smash your groin.

- Y-you wouldn't hurt a kid!

- Oh please, you look at least years old.

- Fair point.

- Now admit you're the one who tried to steal

the candy boot!

- O-okay, I did it!

I framed Jasper!

I'm a thief and a bad person!

- And Jasper's a really great guy!

- Charlotte, did you get that?

-Yep. Got it!

- Now...

I've got a podcast to do.

And everything I need for that podcast better be there

in the next ten minutes.

Don't do dr*gs.

- Uh...wh-what Mom?

Oh,'kay, be right there.

[ oven bell ]

- Mmm.