04x03 - I Heart NJ

[theHappyOrange]

Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin are in MacLaren's.

Ted (2030): During the fall of 2008, I had a little problem.

Ted: All right, I gotta get to Stella's

Barney comes dressed in an odd outfit.

Barney: Tonight is the night guys. I've tried it before, I've failed every time. This time I'm gonna do it. Tonight... I pick up a lesbian. Robin, I need your lipstick.

Ted: Oh, man! Take pictures, alright?

Barney: Bye, Ted.

Ted (2030): I lived in New York, but Stella lived across the river in New Jersey...

Ted comes home and finds Stella on the couch, asleep, in undress.

Ted: Oh, man!

Ted (2030): Which meant I was always taking the train.

Matisse: What's up, Ted?

Ted: Hey, Matisse.

Ted arrives at the bar.

Marshall: Theodore!

Barney: T-Diddy! You missed it!

Lily: Robin got that national anchor job.

Robin: And we got a free bottle of champagne.

Marshall: But it's empty now.

Ted: Oh, man!

Ted (2030): And as result, it seemed like I was missing out on everything.

Ted comes back with Stella where she is at table with her daughter.

Stella: Sorry, we couldn't wait. It was getting cold.

Ted: Oh, man!

Lucy: Hey, big guy.

Ted: What's up, G?

Stella: Are you okay?

Ted: Yeah, I'm fine. It's just ... You know, I wanna hang out with you guys, I wanna hang out with my friends. I just feel like I'm spending all my time on the train.

Stella: Okay, how about this. Why don't you ask your friends to come out here sometime?

Ted: That's a great idea.

Marshall, Lily, Barney and Ted are in the bar.

Marshall: You want us to go to New Jersey? Oh, that is rich.

Ted: Why?

Barney: Well, for starters, I don't have any of my gold medallions anymore. I sold them when they went out of style, 400 years ago.

Ted: Lily?

Lily: Oh sorry, Ted. I am a born and raised New Yorker. I'm programmed to despise and loathe New Jersey and all that it stands for. Why am I telling you this? You hate New Jersey more than anyone.

Ted: What? I don't hate New Jersey. Why would you think that?

Flashback

Ted returned to the apartment.

Ted: And then he cut in front of me! God, I hate line cutters more than I hate New Jersey! Well, that's not true. There's nothing I hate more than New Jersey.

Then he arrives at the bar with a T-shirt indicating he did not like New Jersey.

Ted: huh? right?

Marshall and Lily out of the apartment.

Marshall: Hey, you want us to wait for you or...

Ted: No, I might be a while. I gotta drop a massive New Jersey.

End flashback

Ted: Okay, So New Jersey is not my favorite place. But once Stella and I get married, and she and Lucy move in with me, I will never set foot in New Jersey again. Unless I'm going to see a Giants game or flying out of Newark or, God forbid, disposing a body.

Lily: Ted, if you m*rder*d me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt you for ever.

Ted: But if I m*rder you and bury you somewhere else?

Lily: I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.

GENERIC

Ted (2030): Kids, your Aunt Robin was sick of her job at Metro News 1. She was sick of the low production value.

Robin: I'm Robin Scherbatsky and your watching... (The Metro M falls) Etro News One at 11:00... (Thus the one from 11 pm) And again at 1.

Ted (2030):Sick of the stories she had to report...

Robin: So hurry up and get your votes in....for New York's cutest doggie.

Ted (2030):And most of all, she was sick of all the stupid puns.

Robin: Four transit workers were electrocuted when a subway train
jumped the tracks. Stay tuned for the... shocking derails. Joel, people d*ed.

Ted (2030): So when the call came in that she got the big national anchor job, she finally got to say the words she'd been dreaming of saying for years...

Lily, Marshall, Barney and Ted Metro New One look at the bar.

Robin: Tonight will be my last broadcast. I came to Metro News One as a little caterpillar, and for four years, this desk has been my cocoon, but tonight, I emerge, an ambitious butterfly.

Marshall: Why does she sound like an idiot? Did she have a stroke?

Ted: Yeah, a stroke of genius. This speech is really good.

Robin: With one eye on the horizon, one eye on the truth, and one eye, on all of you.

Lily: You wrote it for her, didn't you?

Ted: It's a modified version of the...speech I gave when I had to leave the swim team because of the chronic inner ear situation.

Marshall: I thought you were the towel-boy.

Ted: It's part of the team.

Ted (2030): So that Saturday,

The band is at Stella except Robin.as Robin went off for her first day at her new job, we're all headed across the river experience some of that crazy New Jersey night life.

Ted: Okay, Stella couldn't find a sitter, so we can't go out. Instead, we're all gonna hang out here, and it's gonna be just as awesome.

Stella: Right? We got board games, we got movies, and I think there may be some beer, out in the garage.

Stella goes out to the garage.

Marshall: Ted, this is pathetic! It's Saturday night, we should be out at the bar, drinking alcohol! Now, I know this sounds depressing, bordering on tragic, but it's just a fact.

Barney: Yeah, and I want another cr*ck at that chick, Doris. I know I can land that lesbian plane.

Marshall: No snakes on that plane

Ted: Okay, guys, come on, you promised. Let's just hang out here, try to have fun. I mean, we're all together. Friends hanging out, isn't that would really matters?

Lily: Okay, if we take the next train, we could be at MacLaren's by 11:00!

Barney: We can be there by 10:00?

Lily: No, I have to change first, I'm not walking into MacLaren's smelling like New Jersey.

Stella came back with beers in their hands.

Stella: Wow You guys really hate it here?

Marshall: What? No! Stells!

Stella: No, no, I get it, I mean you guys are all New Yorkers, you need to hang out at a bar. Well, you could, just hang out at the coolest bar in state, which is so close it will blow your mind. And boom goes the dynamite. The coolest bar in New Jersey.

Lily: Yeah, it probably is...

Ted: This is great! We got darts, half a ping-pong table, a fish bowl, look what turned out to be an awesome night as promised. Maybe we can drop some bac-o's in here, and make them fight.

Barney: No thanks. I don't mess with fish bowls unless they have my two favorite fish. The sucker fish and the blow fish. What up?

Ted: For blow fish? I don't think so.

Barney: Marshall.

Marshall: You're better than that.

Barney: Lily.

Lily: Not good enough.

Barney: Stella.

Stella: Sorry.

Barney: I am not lowering this, until someone gives me the respect of another person's knuckles tapping against mine in a light but decisive manner. Pretty-pretty...Pretty-pretty...Pretty-pret...who's a pretty baby? Then know this, until it gets what it wants, nay, deserves, this fist, will not yield. It...will...not...yield.

Stella: So who wants to play Scrabble?

Lily: Sure. Whatever.

Stella: Oh, heads up. The X tile is a little hard to read because, a couple years ago, it went all the way through my dog. You know, maybe we should get a dog again, When you move in.

Ted: When I what?

Stella: Oh great, there's Robin.

She gets up and goes back to go open the door.

Lily: I thought they were moving in with you.

Ted: So did I. Oh God, am I moving to New Jersey?

Barney: Hey guys, I bet that dog was really flying high after it swallow the little X. Nailed it! Come on!

Ted: I can not live here.

Marshall: It wouldn't be that bad. You could put a mini- fridge over there and maybe some knock hockey.

Barney: Knock hockey. Nice one, big mon

Ted: Yeah, I meant New Jersey in general, not this basement. She wants me to move here? I don't get it.We discussed this months ago.

Flashback

Ted and Stella have a drink at the apartment.

Ted: So, I was thinking, after the wedding, you and Lucy, can move in here

Stella: Yeah, she could play out on the fire escape, maybe make friends with that guy who sleeps on that couch in the alley,
ride her bike up and down Broadway. It's a great idea, Ted.

End flashback

Ted: I don't understand why you'd want to live in New Jersey when you have a chance to live in Manhattan? I thought having a rent-controlled apartment on the Upper West Side was half the reason she agreed to marry me.

Barney: Really, I thought it was the whole reason. What is up?!

(Robin arrives in the basement)

Barney: Robin, hey. Looking good. You're glowing. Bump the barnacle.

Robin: Stella already told me not to.

Marshall: How was your first day?

Robin: It wasn't.

All: What?

Robin: It wasn't my first day. I showed up and there were 20 other people. It turns out, I didn't actually get the job. I only got an audition.

Barney: What, how did that happen?

Robin: I don't know. Because he told me that I got it.

Flashback

Robin is in the toilet of the bar, on the phone.

Robin: I got it? I got it!

Robin puts his phone and dance.

Voice: And just to be clear, when I say you got it. I mean an audition. You got an audition. I don't want there to be any confusion. You have an audition only. Not the job.

She takes her phone.

Robin: Thank you! Thank you!

End flashback

Robin: Okay, I'm going to call and beg Joel to give me my job back.

Marshall: No!

Lily: You hated that job.

Robin: I don't know, it wasn't so bad.

Lily: Robin, what did they make you call Tropical Storm Hector when it was raining cats and dogs?

Robin: A furricane.

Marshall: Hey, Ted. Rock me like a furricane.

Ted: Thanks..

Barney: Mean.

Robin: Okay, yeah, it's sucks, but what can I do? I mean, I'm not going to get that other job. You guys should have seen
the other women at this audition. They all had more experience than me, were more ethnic than me. There was an African-American chick
with blue eyes, how can I compete with that?

Barney: You can't.

Lily: No, you can compete with anyone. You're Robin Scherbatsky Confident. Strong. Tall. With crazy long legs that look great in shorts.

Robin: I'm calling Joel.

Barney: No, no Robin, if you call him right now, you will hate yourself Look, I have slept with lots of women who afterwards told me off and stormed out. And sometimes they'd pick up the phone and they'd call me and then we'd hook up again. And when we were finished,
I could see that look on their faces, that look that says they hate themselves and they wish they'd never called. But if you could see...that look, actually, you can see that look, there's a video.
www...dot...

Robin: No! Stop, okay? I won't call.

Stella (descending): Don't drink the beer! I just remembered when I bought it. It was right before I got pregnant with Lucy. Ted, would you mind running to PriceCo and picking some up? Oh, and while you're there, maybe you could sign up for a card. I mean, you'll probably end up going there all the time.

Barney: That's the look.
Ted and Marshall are at the supermarket.

Ted: I can't move here. I hate it here. I would k*ll myself.

Marshall: Maybe New Jersey is not that bad. Stella has a lawn. You could get a riding lawn mower. They sell them over there. I saw one with a cup holder. I saw a recliner with a built-in cup holder. I even saw a hammock with a cup holder. You live in New Jersey, you never have to hold a cup again.

Ted: I don't think I have as big a problem holding cups as you do.

Barney: I will give you $100 to fist pump me.$200.

Lily: Just put it down, Barney. Your arm must be k*lling you by now.

Barney: $ 10 000.

At the supermarket...

Marshall: Look, you'll be right across the river. You'll be in New York all the time.

Ted: Oh, yeah?
Marshall: Yeah.

Ted: Excuse me. You guys are from New York, right?

Woman: Yeah, we moved here from Manhattan.

Ted: Do you ever get into the city?

Woman: All the time.

Marshall: See? All the time.

Ted: When was the last time you were there?

Man: We just had dinner at O'Rourke's.

Ted: That's been closed for six years.

Woman: Maybe It has been awhile. Funny, we don't miss it.

Man: Well, I guess we're New Jersians now. Honey, look, dog shirts.

Ted: I can't do it. I'm just going to tell Stella she and Lucy have to move into the city and that's that.

Marshall: Okay, what do you guys think? Beagle, or Boston terrier?

Stella...

Lily: Are those tears?

Barney: They're awesome....manly pain tears. They're not emotional. Okay, they're a little bit emotional.

Lily: Where is Robin?

They date back to the lounge where Robin phone.

Robin: Hey, Shirley, it's Robin calling for Joel.

Barney: Robin, hang up the phone. Don't do this.

Robin: Sorry, I know, OK?

Lily: If you don't hang up right now...

Robin: Stop !Hey, Joel, it's Robin.

Joel: So Madam Butterfly wants to come back to the cocoon.

Robin: Yeah, look, I'm sorry I said all that stuff.

Joel: Well, you can stick your stories in your sock drawer, cause you've already been replaced. I've got Brian in make up and he couldn't be more excited.

Brian: I can not do that. I can not do that.

Joel: Okay, look, as much as I want to see college boy here wet himself on camera, if you can get here in time
to read the 11:00 news, you can have your old job back.

Robin hangs up.

Robin: Okay, I have a half hour to make it to the studio.

Lily: There's no way you can make it to the city in a half hour.

Barney: Robin, don't do this. I know it's scary to bet on yourself, but if you don't, nobody else will. And I'm not just saying that to get a fist bump. Although, come on, a fist bump would be great. But I really mean it.

Robin: I am betting on myself. I am betting that I can make it there
by 11 o'clock.

She leaves home and takes Stella the bike that is on the porch. It is 10:31 p.m.. Marshall and Ted back.

Stella: Hey, did you get the beer?

Ted: Yeah, I got 144-pack.The rest is in the trunk.

Stella: And did you sign up for the membership?

Ted: No.

Stella: Why not?

Ted: There was a line for the photos...my hair's a mess...I don't want to move to New Jersey.

Stella: What?

Ted: I can't do it. And I can't see any reason why you and Lucy
shouldn't move to New York.

Stella: Well, my daughter goes to school here. All of her friends are here. I've lived here my whole life. My whole family is here. This is my house. I'm on the PTA, and as of June 1,I'm the deputy mayor.

Ted: Yes, but my apartment is really close to the subway.

Stella: Ted, we're not moving, end of discussion.

Ted: How can it be end of discussion if there's never been a discussion?

Stella: This is part of being a parent. I can't just uproot Lucy.

Ted: People with kids move all the time. And...I think it would be really great for Lucy to grow up in the greatest city in the world.

Stella: Here we go...New York's the greatest city in the whole wide world. It's where dreams come true and pigeon poop
tastes like tapioca. Want to know a little secret, Ted? New Jersey is better than New York.

Ted: Better than...?You think...? I...The Empire State Buil...H and H Bage...Lincoln Ce...Zabar's...Papaya King. New York is the intellectual and cultural hub of the planet.

Stella: New York is full of weirdoes, and snobs and mean people. Ted, do you know that once, an old lady actually called me a bitch and threw a cat in my face? And you want to know if that happened in New Jersey? 86th and Lex, right in front of your beloved little Papaya King. People are nice in New Jersey. I mean it's the kind of place
where you know your neighbors.

Ted: Hey, I know my neighbors!

Stella: Oh, yeah? Like who?

Ted: Right across the hall, I got... Clax... pa... mon...

Stella: Claxpamon?

Lily: His name is Paxton.

Ted: Love that dude.

10:47 p.m., Robin is the bike on the train.

Robin: Sorry, in a hurry. Got to get to the front. Got to get off first.

Matisse: Don't run over Matisse.

Basement of Stella...

Lily: Okay, so this is crazy. You can't actually think that New Jersey is better than New York. New York has Broadway. We win right there.

Barney: Oh, no, she did not. Knuckle up for safety.

Stella: We have Atlantic City.

Barney: Can't b*at the A.C. Pretty please? No one has to know.

Ted: New York has Greenwich Village.

Stella: New Jersey has The Shore.

Lily: Woody Allen.

Barney: Oscar-winning chronicler of urban neuroses. Bump it!

Stella: Bruce Springsteen.

Ted: Sinatra.

Stella: He's from Hoboken...New Jersey.

Ted: Yeah, but what city is he singing about? It's not "Secaucus, Secaucus."

10:56 p.m., Robin slalom between the cars.

Ted (2030):Now you kids can either believe this or not, but this is how your Aunt Robin swears it happened.

Stella...

Lily: Look, Stella, I understand that coming from New Jersey you don't picture yourself loving New York, but trust me, Marshall didn't expect to, and now he wouldn't think of living anywhere else.

Marshall: I hate New York! I'm sorry, but it's true. Okay, today I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there?It's huge. All the stores in New York are so cramped. Every time I turn, I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas.

Lily: but, Marshall, you love New York.

Marshall: Yeah, I do, except that I hate it. I'm too big for New York, okay? I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats or duck under doorways that were built 150 years ago. Hey, guess what?
People are bigger now. Build bigger doorways. What the hell is the matter with you?

Barney: Small city, big man, give it up.

Marshall: And it's so loud, all the time. Yes, it's the city that never sleeps. Well, guess what, I like to sleep. I've been tired for eight years. Tired and scared with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit through all these tiny elf doorways. New Jersey's great. It's got huge stores, and lawns and you never have
to carry a cup again. Not for the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say it...I love New Jersey. I'm just kidding.

Ted: Look, Stella...I get it, okay? see what you're saying. I guess...we could live in Brooklyn.

Stella: You know what, Ted...live wherever you want. I don't care.

Barney: Awkward silence. Tap it.

Ted goes upstairs to see Stella.

Ted: Hey, Lucy. What are you doing up?

Lucy: There were some loud noises in the basement.

Ted: Sorry about that. Why don't you get back to bed, sweetie?

Lucy: I can't go to sleep without a story.

Ted: Ok, I'll just get your mom...

Lucy: Why don't you read it to me?

Ted: Okay, come on.

Ted reads a story to Lucy while Stella is sitting on the stairs. Lucy falls asleep and Ted goes down to the lounge where he hugged from behind Stella.

Ted: I'm moving here.

Stella: Really?

Ted: Really. New Jersey wins.

10:59 p.m., Robin arrives at the studio of Metro New One.

Robin: Oh, thank you! Wait. Good evening, New York.

Barney: Hey, look, she made it.

Robin: Our top story tonight, the newborn baby panda at the Central Park Zoo got its first tooth today. I think that makes her a molar bear . molar bear. molar bear. You know what? I really am done. Good night, New York.

Lily: Wow she really quit.

Barney: You think we had anything to do with that?

Lily: Yeah I think we did. Nice job, Barney.

Barney: Oh, my God! Thank you! Oh, that was k*lling my arm. My arm has never been so sore since I was 13 years old and figured out how to lock a bathroom. Up top! Oh no!

Stella, Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall are at the bar and joined Robin. Barney again the bars in the air.

Lily: What's wrong?

Robin: Well, I officially didn't get that job.

Lily: I'm so sorry.

Robin: That's okay. They...they offered me another one.

Ted: Hey, that's great. What are you going to be doing?

Robin: Foreign Correspondent. I'm... moving to Japan.

Barney lowers his arm.

The End