07x16 - Doug's Sour Songbird

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chuckling]

[growling]

Hey! Hey! [screams]

[yelps]

[whistling]

[groans]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal,

it's amazing how the biggest problems
of your life can start out so small.

For me, it all began with the preparations

for Bluffington Civic Pride Day.

[both] Wow.

Man, look at the size of that stage.

Pride Day's going to be huge this year.

Mayor Dink, you were telling us
about this year's special event.

Yyes. Well, besides our
Pride Day taffy toss,

Bobbing for beets,

and the traditional escargot races,

this year we're having a contest
to write an official town song.

[all exclaiming]

The final event of Pride Day
will be a contest

in which citizens of Bluffington

will perform songs
they've written about our town.

The winning number will be declared

the official song of Bluffington.

Cool.

Hey, Doug, you think we
could write a song?

Yeah.

♪ In grand old Bluffington ♪

♪ We'll have a ton of fun ♪

♪ Nematodes and lucky duck lake ♪

♪ Sucking down a frothy goat shake ♪

Not just a song, Skeet --

We're going to write the winning song.

All right!

[Doug] I didn't know it at the time,

but that contest
was about to come between me

and one of my very best friends.

[whistling]

That's me.

[bird squawking]

Once word got out about the contest,
it seemed like everyone in town

was writing a song about Bluffington...

and I mean everyone.

[gurgling]

♪ B-B-B-Bluffington, I love you ♪

♪ Bluffington ♪

♪ I need you ♪

♪ Bluffington ♪

♪ I own you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You're a beautiful family,
and I mean that, baby.

Mr. Dink even bought

a mini portable fold-a-matic fuel-injected

digital recording studio...

-Ho ho.
-Look at -- whoa.

...complete with a computerized
sound composer.

Ha ha.
Now, let's see.

"Love" -- yes.

And "Live." and -- oh! "Bluffington."

And let's make it --
oh, let's see -- rock.

[music playing]

♪ My love lives under a rock ♪

♪ In Bluffington ♪

Hmm. Maybe try a rumba.

One, two, three, four...

♪ The best town in the world ♪

♪ Is Bluffington ♪

♪ It's not just a Nothington ♪

Nothington?

Well, you try to rhyme "Bluffington."

-Hmm.
-Hmm.

Well-- no.

[ball bouncing]

Hey, Doug. Hey, Skeeter.
I'm going to the park

To sh**t some hoops. Want to come?

Thanks, but we're working on our song.

-How's it going?
-We've got a great b*at...

and a cool first line...

And nothing else.

Yeah, I know how that goes.

I tried writing a song myself.

Really? Can we hear it?

Oh, well, it's not really finished,

and it's probably not very good.

Aw, come on, man. Don't be embarrassed.

Well... oh, OK.

Now, you can tell me the truth.

I mean, if you don't think it's any good--

-Patti, these lyrics are fantastic.
-Really?

-Yeah.
-They are cool!

Why don't you sing them for us?

We'll play backup.

Well, I'm not much of a singer,

but, sure. Why not?

All right. One, two, three, four...

[off-key] ♪ My hometown is ice cream ♪

♪ And soccer games at school ♪

♪ Walks with Dad on weekends ♪

♪ When the air is turning cool ♪

♪ My hometown is neighbors ♪

♪ Children, cats, and dogs ♪

♪ And watching folks at sunup ♪

♪ On early-morning jogs ♪

♪ Some people think that happiness ♪

♪ Can only be found far away ♪

Oh, Doug, you broke a string.

Huh? Oh.

Well, I didn't have much more anyway.

[Doug] Then she turned and asked me
the one question I feared

more than anything in the world.

So, Doug, how was i?

Uh... ha ha ha.

Miss Mayonaisse, I cannot tell a lie.

I cut down this cherry tree
with my little hatchet,

and I cannot lie to you
about your singing, either.

It's horrible.

I see.

What are you doing? Aah!

You can be the father of your own country.

I'm out of here.

But I was only being honest.

[Patti] Come on, Doug, be honest.
How was I?

Uh...

Tell her the truth.
She wants you to be honest.

Don't be a sap. Hurt her feelings,

and she'll never speak to you again.

But telling her the truth
is the right thing to do,

and I know you'll do
the right thing, Doug.

Yeah, do the right thing.
Tell her the truth.

What could go wrong?

Hey, Patti, you were great.

Really? You really think so?

Not just good, but great?

Um... sure.

All right! Thanks, Doug.

Oop, got to go meet chalky now.

See ya, Skeet. See ya, Porkchop.

Man, my ears must be broken,

'cause I thought she was terrible.

No, your ears are perfect.
Her singing stinks

like yesterday's magic mystery meat.

So why'd you lie like a rug?

Well, I just didn't want
to hurt her feelings.

But she asked you to be honest, man.

Skeet, I couldn't tell her.

Anyway, it was just a teeny,
little non-truth.

What can it hurt?

We might have to listen to her sing again.

[rock music playing]

♪ B-B-B-Bluffington ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ You're the heaviest town around ♪

So what do you think?

I like it.

It's, uh... heavy?

You losers can stop wasting your time.

My group, Roger and the Klotz-tones,

has this contest in the bag.

Check this out.

[harmonizing]

♪ If you're a loser ♪

♪ Get out of our town ♪

♪ And if you're a goon ♪

♪ Don't come around ♪

♪ Around ♪

♪ Bluffington ♪

♪ Stay out, losers ♪

Top that.

[laughing]

-Wow. They're actually pretty good.
-They're gonna have to be.

There will be a lot
of great musicians there.

Hey, Doug, guess what.
I finished writing my song,

And I signed up for
the Bluffington song contest.

[coughs] You what?

Doug, if it wasn't for you,
I'd have never had the nerve

to sing in front of all those people.

Great.

So how about you and Skeeter and Porkchop

being my backup band when I sing my song?

-Doug?
-Huh?

You did say I was a great singer, right?

I did?

-Oh, right, I did.
-Great, sure.

Well, then it's settled. You know, Doug,

I'll bet we'll be
the monster hit of the show.

[gasps]

Aah!

[yelling]

But why?

I thought you'd like my singing.

Doug said I was great.

Doug, you lied to me!

You're a monster!

Yeah, I know.

Aah!

Yeah, the monster hit of the show.

Skeet, we've got to stop her.

We just can't let her go onstage

and humiliate herself.

Why don't you tell her the truth?

She wrote some really cool lyrics, but--

But she's a terrible singer.

Bingo.

I can't do it.

I can't hurt Patti's feelings like that.

If only there was some way
to keep her out of that contest.

The Funkytown fritter fry?

Well, sure, Doug, I'd love to go,

but isn't that the same day
as the song contest?

Oh, well, yeah, I guess.

But who wants to be
in a boring old song contest

when we could be
pigging out on fried fritters?

Ha ha ha.

Oh, Doug, you are such a kidder.

Ha ha ha.

Yeah, what a kidder. Ha ha ha.

Anyway, she didn't buy it.

Now I don't know what to do.

well, son, it may not be easy,

but the best thing you can do
is just come out and tell the truth.

Your Uncle Harold wore his toupee
inside out for years,

and no one had the nerve to tell him.

I wondered why he had a label on his head.

Well, it's the same thing with Patti.

No one has the heart to tell her,

and I'm sure she never heard herself sing.

You're right. That's the answer.

Thanks, Dad. You're a genius.

Uh, sure, son.

Glad I could help.

Hmm.

Ahh.

Huh?

Perfect.

[Doug] Dad was right.

I was sure that if Patti
could just hear herself sing,

she'd realize just how bad she was,

so I arranged for us to record a demo tape

at Mr. Dink's mini portable fold-a-matic

fuel-injected digital recording studio.

Everybody ready?

Ready.

One, two, three, four...

[off-key] ♪ My hometown is ice cream ♪

♪ And soccer games at school ♪

♪ Walks with dad on weekends ♪

♪ When the air is turning cool ♪

Whoa! Oh, my goodness!

it's going to blow!

Oh!

♪ On early-morning jogs ♪

♪ Some people think that happiness ♪

♪ Can only be found far away... ♪

♪ But my hometown is full of friends ♪

♪ And that's where my heart will stay ♪

Doug, that sounds terrible.

Really? You think so?

Definitely.

There must be something wrong

with Mr. Dink's mini portable fold-a-matic
fuel-injected digital recording studio.

How are we going to tell him?

It was probably very expensive.

Ohh...

Let me get this straight, Doug.

You want me to disqualify your own group?

Yes, ma'am.

I can no longer live a lie.

I am not a native Bluffingtonian.

Doug, I know you're not a native.

I helped you move in, remember?

We have no right to be in the contest.

It's OK. we can take disappointment.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

The only qualifications
are that you love this town

and that you have heart,

and I know you've got plenty of both.

Uh, b-but, Mayor Dink--

Doug, I'm not worried
about technicalities.

What I am worried about is this weather.

It's supposed to rain all weekend.

We might have to cancel
Pride Day altogether.

You might?

I mean, oh, that's a shame.

Oh, well. I guess everyone
will just have to spend

another boring saturday
hanging out at the mall.

The mall-- that's it.

We'll move the whole event indoors
to the Four-leaf Clover Mall.

Perfect.

Gladys, we're not going
to have to cancel Pride Day.

Get me the manager
of the Four-leaf Clover Mall.

Thanks, Doug. What a great idea.

You saved Pride Day.

Say, maybe we can even
get the mall radio station

to broadcast the song contest.

Broadcast?

[Patti] [Off-key]
♪ My hometown is ice cream ♪

♪ And soccer games at school ♪

♪ Walks with Dad on weekends ♪

Make the Earth creature stop!

♪ My hometown is neighbors ♪

Now look what I did.

So that was that.
I'd run out of options,

and now it was time to face the music.

I had to tell Patti the truth.

[raspy voice] Oh, Doug, I'm glad it's you.
[coughs]

I got caught in the rain
without an umbrella.

Now I've lost my voice.

I'm sorry.

I won't be able to sing at Pride Day.

Huh?

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Oh, Patti, that's...

Terrible.

Maybe you can get Connie to sing my song

after she sings hers.

Great idea!

I mean, it just won't
be the same, not at all,

And I mean that.

I'm sorry, Doug.

Yeah, it's OK. I hope you feel better.

Whoo-hoo!

Finally it came --

Saturday, Bluffington Civic Pride Day.

And even though it was indoors,

it was bigger and better than ever.

♪ We're singing this song ♪

♪ Singing this song ♪

♪ About Bluffington ♪

♪ About Bluffington ♪

♪ It's an itty-bitty ditty ♪

♪ About the town we're from ♪

♪ We're living here, you know ♪

♪ We can't go away ♪

♪ We can't go away ♪

♪ Plus there's no place else to go ♪

♪ We're here to stay ♪

♪ We're here to... ♪

What's that word?

♪ Stay ♪

OK, people, this is
our biggest crowd ever,

So when your name is called,

be ready to go onstage.

♪ Bluffington ♪

♪ With my accordion,
I sing out for Bluffington ♪

♪ Any silly simpleton would know
It's the place to be ♪

[yodeling]

♪ Bob White was Bluffington's mayor ♪

♪ He's stuck as principal now ♪

Vote for me.

♪ As mayor he will Be fair and square ♪

♪ A shallow quagmire Of the bourgeoisie ♪

♪ 3, 2, and 12.1 ♪

♪ 8.7 and 5, 11 ♪

♪ Bluffington, compute the sum ♪

♪ But my hometown is full of friends ♪

♪ And that's where my heart will stay ♪

Wow. That was great.

I think we've got a real chance to win.

Connie, your singing really
brought the act together.

It was easy. Patti wrote a good song.

[Mayor Dink] Fentruk, you're up.

Someone please to be wishing me

to break my legs.

Is this the mike? Is this the mike?

This is it. OK.

This song is being
for everyone in Bluffington

who have made me feel so welcoming.

♪ Bluffington, you do not disgust me ♪

♪ Let me count so how many ways ♪

♪ Number one
The people smell almost always ♪

♪ Better than a herd of goats do ♪

OK, Doug, your group's on next.

This is it.

We're going to rock!

Hey, guys, great news-- my voice is back.

I can sing with you after all.

Looks like I got here just in time.

Wow, Patti, that's great.

Now you can sing your own song,

And I'll play backup guitar.

Well, uh, uh... actually, Patti,

you still sound kind of hoarse.

Maybe you ought to rest your voice.

Thanks, Doug, but my voice is fine.

Really-- never better.

[Off-key] ♪ My hometown is ice cream ♪

what a terrible singer!

[audience yelling]

You know, we've, uh, made some changes

You don't know about, and --

we haven't changed that much.

less than a minute till Patti's song,
Doug.

[Doug] There was no way out.

I realized I had to tell Patti the truth

right then and there

or let her embarrass herself
in front of the whole town.

You see, Patti, sometimes people

are talented in many, many ways,

but not always maybe

in the one way they might want.

What is it you're trying to say, Doug?

♪ Number 22 -- for liking me,
I'm thanking you ♪

♪ With all my face ♪

♪ The end ♪

[cheers and applause]

Thank you with all my face.

I mean, well, lots of people

might want to be good at something,

but they can't all be, and--

Doug, what are you talking about?

[Mayor Dink] Our next contestants

are some youngsters
who I know you'll all love.

What I mean is-- I'm trying to say--

Doug, for pity's sake, just say it.

It's just, well,

maybe singing isn't what you do best.

What?

Sometimes what you're singing
doesn't exactly match the notes.

But you said my singing was great.

I know. I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

I see.

Well, Doug, you did hurt my feelings.

[Mayor Dink] So let's give
a big Bluffington welcome

To the Funnie Farm!

Doug Funnie,
I trusted you to be honest with me,

and you lied.

I don't know if I'll ever
be able to trust you again.

It's all yours, Doug.

Let's get this over with.

[whimpers]

My heart's not going to be in it.

One, two, three and four

♪ My hometown is ice cream ♪

♪ And soccer games at school ♪

What?

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

I know we're supposed to be singing,

but instead,

I'd like to introduce a special guest--

Miss Patti Mayonaisse--

who will recite
a wonderful poem she wrote.

Poem?

Patti, I'm sorry.

I should have been honest with you,

but I was too afraid of what
you would think of me

if I hurt your feelings.

The truth is, you wrote
some really great words,

and I think everyone
should hear them from you.

My hometown is ice cream

And soccer games at school,

Walks with my Dad on weekends

When the air is turning cool.

My hometown is neighbors,
children, cats, and dogs,

And watching folks at sunup

On early-morning jogs.

Some people think that happiness

Can only be found far away...

♪ But my hometown is full of friends ♪

♪ And that's where my heart will stay ♪

[cheering and applause]

[Doug] And so, journal,
everything turned out fine,

even though we didn't get the prize.

Oh, by the way, the winner was Fentruk...

Yay!

So our official town song

is now
"Bluffington, you do not disgust me."

Go figure.

Anyway, Patti got a special citation

for her poem, and I learned my lesson.

The next time someone asks me
for my honest opinion,

I'll tell them.

Hey, son, look what we got at Pride Day.
Pretty cool, huh?

It's a Bluffington beet hat.
What do you think?

Be honest.

Uh, uh... oh, man.

[theme music playing]