07x22 - Patti's Dad Dilemma

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[chuckling]

[growling]

Hey! Hey! [screams]

[yelps]

[whistling]

[grunting]

Huh, huh! [screams]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

OK, OK, Patti, you win.

[laughing]

Your meat loaf's a lot better
than my mashed potatoes.

Those were mashed potatoes?

I thought they were caulking compound.

Oh, man, you are cruel.

If you think that was bad,

when your mom and I first got married,

we only knew how to cook two things,

Fudge and rice.

[laughs]

You haven't lived till you've eaten

rice a la fudge casserole.

-You know what I wish?
-What?

I wish your mother could see you now.

You would make her smile big time.

Thanks, daddy.

Well, guess we better go do the dishes.

That's OK, dad,

I can finish the rest up.

What, and cut me out of my drying duties?

I don't think so.

So, you want to sh**t some hoops later?

Oh, I'm--I'm sorry,
Patti, I can't tonight.

I'm going out.

Again? With who?

Uh, friends. I won't be late.

Eww. Gross.

[sighs]

Hmm?

"Chad- Really enjoyed our date.

Fondly, E.K."

Date? Daddy? E.K.?

E... K--

[Klotz] Hey, mayonnaise, is that you

or a big raccoon
going through the garbage?

[laughing]

Roger Klotz, what are you doing
in this neighborhood?

Klotz... E.K.?

Edwina Klotz?

[Edwina] Well, Dearie, you're just
gonna love your new hairdo.

What do you think?

[gasps] What happened
to my hair?

Why, honey, I'd have thought you'd want to
look just like your new mama.

Huh?!

'Cause your pappy and me,

well, we just got hitched.

Yee-haw!

And I'm your new brother.

Y-y-y-yup.

[gasps] No!

[footsteps approaching]

[door hinges creak]

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear, Journal,

sometimes the hardest thing
about helping a friend

is getting them to admit they need help.

It all started right after
I got my haircut.

[sighs] Perfect.

[whistles]

Hmm?

Hey, Patti.

Hey--hey, Doug.

I just got my ears lowered.

What do you think?

Great.

Uh... something wrong?

You look kind of--

No! Nothing's wrong! Gotta go.

Hey, look, there's your dad.

I wonder what he's doing here?

That's what I'd like to know.

Rose's unisex beauty salon.

Isn't that where Mrs. Klotz works?

Uh, yeah, I think so. Why?

Doug, I need you to do me a favor.

Sure. Anything.

I need you to go in there

and tell me exactly what's going on.

Me? A beauty salon? B-b-but--

Just go in and say you want a haircut.

But I just got a haircut.

Besides, it's a unisex salon.

I can't get my haircut in there.

Yes, you can.

What do you think unisex means?

I can't talk about that in mixed company.

Doug, please.

Ohh.

[Doug] Well, I never could say
no to Patti,

so I marched right in to that...

[gulps]

...Unisex beauty salon.

Well, what did you find out?

What did my dad say?

I couldn't hear anything

with all those hair dryers going.

Didn't they say anything?

They said I needed more
highlights and volume.

[both laugh]

So, um, how was last night?

It was great.

Dad...

Oh, I won't be home for dinner tonight,

but there's plenty of your meat loaf

and my famous caulking compound
in the fridge.

Sure. Well, I better go study.

[telephone rings]

[Mr. Mayonnaise] Hello. Hey!

Yeah, I made reservations
at Chez Honque.

Pick you up at 6:00?

Great.

Huh?

Yeah, me, too, you.

[Phil] So, Patti's dad
is finally going out again.

Yeah, that's what she said.

No, thanks, Mom, I am stuffed.

Well, it's been four years

since Patti's mother d*ed.

It's about time he was getting out.

Losing a loved one is never easy.

Yeah, it must be terrible.

I guess. I've never really lost
a loved one before.

Except cute little Happy...

Rest his soul.

Sleepy time, dear pint.

Maybe I'll have some more potatoes.

Whoa. Back up.

My hamster, Happy?

Well, love to chat,

but I have a performance
piece to finish. Ciao!

But back then you told me...

Hey, wait a minute!

I want to hear about Happy.

Did something bad happen to Happy?

Dougie, that was years ago.

Let's not rake up the past.
Drop it, will ya?

[doorbell chimes]

Oh, look, there's the door.

Why don't you get it?

Never mind the door,
I want to hear about Happy.

When I came home from grandma's,
you told me that he--

[doorbell chimes]

[Patti] Doug, are you in there?

[Doug] Patti?

Hey, Patti.

What's--

Doug, you've got to take me out to dinner.

Sure, Patti, I'd love to.

Just name the night.

Tonight. Right now.

Huh? Now?

But, see, I just finished
a big dinner and--

Hurry! We've got to go!

Whoa!

Mom, dad, I'm going out with Patti!

[Mom] Be back before dark.

We gotta get there before it's too late.

Too late?

[Doug] Wow. It's even fancier
in here than I thought.

I am sorry, Monsieur,

at Chez Honque,

no jacket, no cravat,
no service.

Sorry, Patti, I guess we'll have to go.

I didn't bring a jacket,

And I don't even know what a cravat is.

But in this case I believe we have
something to fit you.

Here you are, Sir, a lovely jacket...

Uh...

-[waiter] And cravat.
-Huh.

Lucky it almost fits.

Oh, you look nice, Doug.

[waiter] Menus, mademoiselle, monsieur.

Uh!

I'll get your waiter.

[Doug] Patti, look at these prices.

I think I'd better go home
and get a 10-year advance on my allowance.

Don't worry, I've got some money saved up.

Oh, my goodness!

I didn't bring that much money.

Would you like to hear our specials?

We have a giant cheese and mushroom--

We'll have crackers.

And...

-Ketchup.
-And...

-Water.
-And...

Oh, all right. I'll have soup.

Aha. Lobster Bbsque flambe or vichyssoise?

-Uh, fishy-swa.
-Me, too.

Nothing better than
a bowl of piping hot soup.

The vichyssoise is served cold.

Even better. [chuckles]

I knew it.

Edwina Klotz!

Hey, and there's your dad.

Hey, Mr. May--

Oh, Doug, no!

Excusez moi, sir.

Would you like a snorkel?

No, thank you.

Don't you worry.

I promise you Roger will buckle down
to his homework.

And thanks for coming by the shop today
to talk about his grades.

No problem, always glad to help.

Huh, guess I was wrong.

Oh, Doug, I'm so sorry.

You were wrong about what?

Patti, today I've had a perm I didn't need

and a dinner I can't eat.

Why are we really here?

Doug, I just had to find out

if dad was going out with Edwina Klotz.

I guess he's not.

I'm really sorry about the soup.

That's OK.

Doug, there is a woman at my dad's table.

Hey, you're right. I wonder who.

That's exactly what you're going
to find out.

And don't let them see you.

Me?! But--

Doug, please.

[sighs] Well, I'll try.

Skeeter valentine, do you know him?

Anyway, he's trying to ask me something,
he keeps saying,

a-pan-o-shat, a-pan-o-shat?

[grunting]

Oh, busboy, more water, please.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

[woman] More breadsticks over here.

I'll be right with you.

Yes, sir?

What's a fly doing in my gazpacho?

More water.

Right away, ma'am.

Busboy, breadsticks!

What are these snails
doing in my escargots?

Eww.

Busboy!

There's escarole in my radicchio.

Well, I'm sure a good skin doctor
can clear that right up.

What is he doing?

[Doug] Being a busboy
is harder than I thought.

Well, what did you find out?

I found out the tips are pretty good here.

Doug, she's getting up.

Uh...aah!

Aah!

What's that?

Ooh.

[both gasp] Miss Kristal?

-Patti?
-Patti?

I just...

[crying]

Patti?

Le check, monsieur,

for two soups.

Oh, man.

[door opens]

[Mr. Mayonnaise] Patti?

Daddy, you're home.

Patti...

Do you want to talk about
what happened tonight?

You know, dad,

I've really got to get some homework done.

Maybe later.

Hmm.

[music box plays]

[sniffles]

-Here it goes.
-Whoo!

-See, sweetie? Isn't that great?
-Wow, look at it go.

-It goes so fast.
-Uh-huh.

Hey, daddy, let's take
a picture of all of us.

-Great.
-I'll set the timer.

[laughs]

OK, everybody, smile.

-Huh? Uh-oh.
-Huh?

[Dad] Rain. We're going
to get soaked.

[laughs] Say "soggy cheese."

[all] Soggy cheese.

This is one picture I'll never forget.

[all scream]

I'll never forget you, mom.

No one could replace you.

Ever.

Come on, Judy.

I'm not gonna be able to sleep

until you tell me the truth about
Happy.

[gargles]

Drop it, little brother.

The Happy file is closed.

What do you mean closed?

Judy, I've got a right to know

what happened to my hamster.
You told me--

Dougie, come on.

You're not five years old anymore.

You don't still believe

he ran away to join the circus?

Well, I thought maybe he got a job

as a little clown or something.

[Judy] Doug, he d*ed.

d*ed?

You know, d*ed.

He went to the Happy hamster
hunting ground.

He's running around that big

exercise wheel in the sky.

d*ed?

But you said--

You were just a little kid.

I thought you were too young
to deal with it.

[sighs]

Now can I go to bed?

[Ms. Kristal] Oh, Christine!

Christine, you shall see me no more.

I said, Christine,

you shall see me no more.

Flash paper.

Huh?

Oh. Like, sorry, Miss Kristal.

[Miss Kristal] And with that

the phantom disappeared forever.

Thank you very much.

How does she do that?

I hope you enjoyed Phantom of the Opera.

That will be all for today, class.

We'll continue tomorrow.

-[school bell rings]
-Don't forget your goggles.

[indistinct chatter]

[Miss Kristal] Patti, wait.

It was nice to see you
at Chez Honque last night,

but you left so quickly.

Oh, uh, I had a lot of homework.

I understand,

but we would've really liked you
to join us.

It would've been fun.

Well, uh, if you ever want to talk--

Thank you, Miss Kristal.

I'd, uh, better get going.

You know, lunch.

Are you still upset about your dad?

You seem kind of tense.

What makes you think I'm tense?

Nothing.

Pickles?

Sorry, Doug.

OK, there is something bothering me.

My dad's seeing Miss Kristal.

But I thought you liked Miss Kristal.

I did.

I mean, I do.

I mean, I know it's wrong,

but I can't help how I feel.

Well, why don't you just sit down

and talk to your dad about it?

Doug, you just don't understand.

[Mr. Mayonnaise] Hey, y'all.

Hey, Mr. Mayonnaise. Hey, dad.

Patti, I just wanted
you to know that Emily--

I mean, Miss Kristal,

is coming over tonight

to make dinner for us.

Hey, Doug, you want to join us?

Miss Kristal's cooking organic.

Thanks. I'll have to ask my folks,

but I'm sure it'll be OK.

Great. We'll see you at 6:00.

Huh?

[Miss Kristal] Oh, it's so inspirational.

The whale is such a gentle creature.

I'm eating a whale?

[laughs] No, Doug.

I--I was talking about the music.

Humpback Whales, their greatest hits.

I just adore it.

Say, I think Bluffington home companion
is on now.

It's dad's favorite radio show.

We always listen to it together.

That's OK, Patti.

I'm kind of liking the whales.

Oh.

Would you like more water, dad?

I've got it, Patti.

Now you just sit.

I'll take care of everything.

I've, uh, never had anything

like this before.

If it isn't whale, what is it?

It's tofu and mung bean surprise soufflé,

with just a soupçon of yak milk.

Totally organic

and very good for you.

Mmm.

Oh, my.

You don't like it, do you?

Of course we do.

It's so... good for you. Mmm.

It's, um, fine, really.

I'm probably just allergic to yak milk

[whispers] with any luck.

[whispers] Doug, just eat it, OK?

Uh-huh.

[Doug] I felt awful,

and it wasn't just the yak milk either.

Patti looked miserable,

and there wasn't a thing
I could do about it,

But I tried.

Hey, how about we all go to Swirly's
for dessert?

Great idea, Doug.

Maybe after dad and I
finish doing the dishes.

We always do them together.

Oh, thanks, kids.

Just put them here.
We'll take care of them.

Uh... OK.

Uh, we thought we might all go to swirly's
for dessert.

Oh, but then you'll miss
my homemade yak bread.

Of course, if you don't want any,
I'll understand totally.

We'll have the yak bread.

But, Patti--

We'll have the yak bread.

[Doug] I guess Patti wasn't about
to leave her dad alone with Miss Kristal.

And after dessert, I'd like to read
some poetry aloud,

if that's all right.

Well, we usually sh**t hoops after dinner.

I don't know. It might
be nice to hear some poetry for a change.

Unh!

[gasps] How does she do that?

[clearing throat]

"How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth
and breadth and height my soul can reach,

when feeling out of sight

for the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level
of every day's most quiet need

by sun and candlelight."

[laughing]

This is one picture I'll never forget.

[laughing]

[laughing turns sinister]

Mama?! No! You're not my mom!

You're not my mom!

[Miss Kristal] Patti, would you like to
read a sonnet?

I promise not to grade it.
[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

You wouldn't have time to grade it.

You're too busy trying to steal my father!

-Patti!
-Patti?

Patti.

[Patti] And now you're trying
to take my mother's place,

but you're not my mother,
and you never will be!

Yak bread, anyone?

[Patti crying]

I miss her, too, sweetie.

Daddy? I'm so sorry.

No, sweetheart, this is my fault.

I should've told you what was going on.

I keep forgetting you're
not a little girl anymore.

But how could I say such mean things?

Because you were upset.

Because you didn't want
someone trying to take your mom's place.

-But you know what?
-What?

No one's ever gonna take
your mom's place in my heart.

Or yours, either. Not ever.

Daddy!

Ohh...

That is so sweet.

Wow, and to think I was upset about losing
a little hamster.

Oh, I know how that can be.

I lost a parakeet when I was young.

It was very dear to me.

What was your hamster's name?

Happy. [sniffle]

What was yours?

Lord Byron. [sniffle]

[both together] I really miss him.

Dad, remember when I was little

and I didn't want to give up
that ratty old blanket?

You said the time had come
for me to let it go.

Boy, I felt awful.

If I'd known you'd get so upset,

I would never have thrown that thing out.

Well, I never told you,

but I found it in the trash,
and I kept it anyway.

[laughing]

Patti, I love you more than anything.

Look, sweetheart,

I plan to keep seeing Emily.

But we want you to feel good about it.

What do you think?

I think I'd like that.

If she's still speaking to me.

[Miss Kristal and Doug crying]

Huh?

[both sobbing]

-Ohh, Lord Byron.
-Ohh, Happy.

He used to do such funny
things with cedar shavings.

[both sobbing]

Great dinner, Patti.

I'll say. It certainly was.

Well, it wasn't only me.

I had plenty of help from daddy.

You know, I have a similar recipe made
with whole yak's milk.

[all] Really?

Uh, time to do the dishes.

I'm crazy about her,

but how much yak milk can a guy take?

[Miss Kristal] I heard that.

Sometimes we'll have yak's milk,

and sometimes we'll have meat loaf.

[laughing]

[Doug] So everything
turned out OK for Patti.

And I realized that Judy just cooked up

that Happy-joins-the-circus story because,

in her own weird way, she loves me.

So I told her I understood.

I'm glad you're finally
OK with it, Dougie.

[gargling]

[spitting]

-I mean, it wasn't your fault he d*ed.
-Exactly.

Not like with your goldfish.

Goldie?!

What happened to Goldie?

Judy, what about Goldie?

Judy! Judy!

Come on! How can I sleep?

[Judy] Don't provoke me.

[Doug] What do you mean?

[theme music playing]