Long Weekend (2021)

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Mr. Waters, this is Jeremy

over in Dr. Andrews' office.

Just calling to confirm

your follow-up appointment

with Dr. Andrews

tomorrow at 2.

Call if you have any

questions. We'll see you then.

Bart, it's Dr. Andrews.

We missed you at

your appointment yesterday,

so calling to check in.

It's important we maintain

contact with patients

for a few months

after they're under our care,

so let's get another

appointment in the books.

Just wanted to make sure

we avoid any backsliding.

Hey, B, it's Whit.

I got a call from

a psychiatrist's office

yesterday.

I guess I must still be listed

as your emergency contact.

You should probably

change that at some point.

Anyhow, um,

they wanted you to call

to set up an appointment soon.

I know it's

none of my business now,

but I just want to make sure

you're taking care of yourself.

So call them, Bart, please.

Okay, I'm thinking about you.

Bart, it's Dr. Andrews again.

It's really pertinent

that you continue to...

Okay, well,

I wish you hadn't done that.

But that doesn't make any sense.

Yeah.

409.Sorry, I dozed off there.

Okay, well,

this is an old building,

so, you know, you have to be

sensitive about the plumbing.

Can I?

Oh, help yourself. Okay, well,

you know,

the rule of thumb is that

if it's bigger than a goldfish,

you don't flush it.

No. No, no.

Okay, no, I'll send

a plumber over later.

Yeah. Bye.

That bitch

tried to flush

a gerbil down the toilet.

Who does that?

Are we allowed

to have gerbils here?

Not anymore. f*ck.

You're having a good day,

aren't you?

You're lucky you have booze.

Thanks for the sh*t.Yeah.

So we're showing this place

in 20 minutes. Is that okay?

Yeah.

I'm gonna get out of here.

Bart, don't leave me. I wish I could stay,

but unless you want to get them

to lower the rent by...

like, all of it, I got to go.

What am I gonna do without you?

You're gonna be fine.

Yeah, yeah.

So you'll be out

by the beginning of next month?

Yes, ma'am.

I'll miss you.

Oh, 206.

I hate my f*cking job.

Eddie, what?

I'm not doing that.

Because I cannot control

when 306 has sex.

Okay, well, I can't tell someone

they have to f*ck on their couch

because their mattress

is too loud.

Oh... sh*t!

Come on in, man. I'd offer

to help, but hands are full.

Also, I don't want to.

That all your sh*t? No.

Not all, but not much left.

Right on.

We got plenty of space.

Teddy, don't do that.

I'm not Teddy. I'm Naked Guy.

All right, well, Naked Guy,

don't do that.

Jeez. Rachel! Rach!

Jesus, I'm going

to the bathroom.

Eve needs you, and Naked Guy's

f*cking up the chair again.

I just want

two seconds of peace.

Oh, my God, I'm just a dad!

Let's get you situated, man.

Come on.

Naked Guy!

Man, are you sure

me staying here isn't too much?

f*ck no, man. You need

to get out of that place.

Besides, it'll be fun

having you around.

It's like old times, you know?

Rachel? Rachel!

You could stay here as long

as you want, dude. Seriously.

The kids love you. RACHEL: Hey, I got her.

Oh.Listen, Teddy has left

something very upsetting next

to the toilet on the floor.

If you could... Hi, Bart.

Hi.Welcome.

So happy to have you.

Don't use the bathroom.

Are you on your way? Oh. Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

I should get this job, so I'll

be out of your hair soon.

Dude, shut up.

All right?

You can stay here forever.

I mean that. Okay?

Mm.

Wow.

So, yeah, man, um,

I read through your samples,

and, um,

I mean, I'm no literary critic

or anything,

but they seem really good to me.

Thank you. For real, dude.

I love this one about the guy

whose fiance left him

and then he has

a nervous breakdown.

I mean, that's...

It feels so real.

Well, it should.

I thought Marley & Me

was sad, but...

Hey, hey, you ever see

Marley & Me?

I-I have not. Oh, you should.

I love dog movies.

But spoiler, the pup dies.

Mm.

I kind of feel like

you're too good for this job.

Oh. Well, thanks for

saying that, but, you know,

to be honest, stories like that

don't really help

keep the lights on.

Well, you won't write anything

super creative like that

for our catalogs,

but, uh, I bet

you'll have fun with it.

Writing is writing to me,

you know, honestly,

so I am happy

to tackle anything.

Okay. Well, it's

pretty straightforward.

We give you a product

and a bunch of research data,

and then you just

write up something

that sounds exciting

to our clients.

Um, like this fella.

Uh, this is, uh, a new catheter.

Yeah, you can hold it.

It's smaller and more malleable.

You barely even know it's there.

Well, probably,

you know it's there

because it's a huge tube

that's going up your penis.

Well, smaller and more malleable

does seem advantageous

in the world of penis tubes. See?

That already sounds better.

Well, we'll let you know.

And, uh, hey, I always

tell new friends...

I'm really into game nights,

if you ever host one.

Hey, one, please.

Bart, Dr. Andrews again.

Uh, still haven't heard

from you.

I would really encourage you

to set an appointment soon.

It's really not a big thing.

It's just to assess

how you're feeling

and make sure the new dosage

is working for you.

So, uh, just call my office,

and we will get you in here.

And it was

the most beautiful thing

I've ever seen.

Hey, buddy.

Buddy.

Hey, buddy.

The movie's over.

Hmm?

The movie's over.

Oh, sh*t.

Thanks.Mm-hmm.

Hey! Hey, bud.

Your jacket.

Oh, sh*t. Thanks.Yeah.

You left it, uh, on your seat.

Uh... Heh.

I was kind of drinking

a little bit in there.

Yeah, I saw that.

Oh, wow.

I'm really batting

a thousand here, aren't I?

It's okay. It seems like

a pretty fun way

to spend an afternoon.

Yeah. I've had worse.

Thanks. Thanks again.

Hey. Hmm?

Do you know where I could maybe

grab one of those around here?

Oh, you mean go get a drink?

Yeah.

Um, there's two bars

pretty close, actually.

Uh, one is kind of a dive.Uh-huh.

And the other is, like,

a little fancier.

It's one of those craft

cocktail mixology type places.

Okay, cool. Let's go.

I'm sorry. You want me to go?

Yeah. I just... I don't really

know the area that well,

and I've just been

wandering around by myself,

and honestly,

I'm getting a little bored.

You seem like you're

a relatively harmless human.

You don't m*rder people, do you?

No. m*rder-free thus far.

Cool.

So long as you keep

that streak alive,

I think you should come

have a drink with me.

Really?

Really. Come on.

All right. f*ck it.

Let's drink, then.

Lead the way.

Okay.

Hey. I'm Vienna.

Hi. I'm-I'm Bart.

Nice to meet you.

Wait. Really? Yeah.

It's a good movie. One

of your favorite films

and you've seen it

over a hundred times,

and you can't articulate why.

It's just, you know,

"a really good movie."

I guess, uh...

I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm kind of

an emotional person, I guess.

Okay.

And, um, a few years ago,

I happened to catch

Being Thereon TV, and I don't...

I-I don't know why, but...

somehow, watching it

on my couch that day,

like, something just

kind of clicked for me.

Life is gonna be sad

and stressful

and-and-and tragic

and devastating,

and that's just unavoidable,

you know?

But-but that movie is like

a reminder that

it's all a state of mind.

You know, we could make

all that sh*t

as big or as little as we want.

Uh...

I'm not saying the movie,

like, cured me or anything,

but in that moment, it did

make me feel a little better.

Well, that's something.Hmm.

And did it do that today?

Uh, not really.

Why not? I don't know. Just didn't.

Doing okay, folks?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're good.

Thanks.

So, uh, what brings you to town?

Wh... Um... Like, where are you from,

and what do you do,

and why are you here?

Let's, uh, get out of here.

Yeah? Yeah?

Mm-hmm.Yeah.

Take me to that dive bar.

Really? Yeah.

This is too fancy. All right, let's go.

I got the check. Um, I can get it.

Just...

Jesus Christ.

Are you going

to the strip club later,

or did you just rob a bank? What?

No, no, no, I, um,

just have problems

with my bank card,

so I-I brought cash for my trip.

Is 60 good?

60? That's way too much.

It'll be like half that, or...

Nice tip. Here.Oh.

Okay. Cool.

L.A. prices, I just thought

it would be more.

Take me to this dive.

All right. Oh, wait.

So is this funky bar of yours...

are they, like,

strict about carding?

'Cause I forgot my I.D.

at home.

Well, you look way over 21,

so I think you'll be fine.

Cool. Trying to be charming.

You're a cute girl.

You'll be... You'll be fine.

Oh, you think I'm cute? Huh.

Well, yeah.

I mean, you look great for 50.

Oh, my God.

Look at those!

Sparklers?

Yeah. Sparklers.

I-I didn't know they-they-they

made those anymore.

You're kind of

easily impressed, aren't you?

I-I've just never done

a sparkler before, so...

I'm sorry. What? Yep.

You've never played

with a sparkler?

Nope.

Did you have a childhood?

Yes, I did.

I just didn't play

with sparklers, I guess.

Okay, hold on.

What? One second.

Okay.

- This is... That looks like fun.

- Can I, can I...

can I buy two sparklers

for one whole dollar?

Okay. BART: All right. Thanks!

What?

How'd you do that?

I gave him a dollar.

To a kid,

that's like a million bucks.

You didn't have to do that.

I did have to do that

because you've never played

with a sparkler,

and that's just weird,

and I don't want

to hang out with a weirdo.

Okay.

I did it for

selfish reasons, really.

Okay, fine.Okay.

All right. Here goes.

What little crooks.

This is really anticlima...

Kind of hurts your hand.

Yeah, that's why you got to

run with it. Run! Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not running alone.

You...

This is not some solo show, bro.

You've got to run with me.

Come on! Aah!

If you want mediocrity

in impressions

or just in life in general,

uh, you've come

to the right guy.

Pacino.

Oh...

Funny. Funny guy.

So scary.

Jimmy Stewart.

J-Jimmy Stewart. I, uh...

I-I don't have... I don't

have your money, Mr. Potter.

I don't... I don't know

where your money is.

These are legitimately good.

Oh, hold on one second.

Wait, what are you doing?

Uh, the-the dive

only takes cash, so...

Yeah, but I-I've got cash.

I know you have cash.

You have, like, all of the cash.

But I can't let you buy

my drinks all night.

I got to pull my weight

a little bit.

And now I've got your pass code.

Hey, ho.

Hey, ho.Oh.

Is that... Is that what you do?

That's how you got

all that cash?

Mm-hmm.

You just sidle up to

handsome dudes...

Yeah.

And charm them till they let

their guard down at an ATM?

Mm-hmm.

And now I'm going to take you

for everything you're worth.

Well, you done picked

the wrong mark, buddy,

because I got...

324 bucks in there.

Feel free to rob me blind. Oh, my God.

You're not kidding. I'm not kidding.

I'm gonna do it. Take it.

Really, it won't matter.

It really won't.

Ma'am, would you like

my bank pass code?

Did you just call me "ma'am"?

Yes, I did. That's my bad.

Apologies.

So sorry. Have a nice night.

He's drunk. Ha-ha. Cute dog.

So it was, like, a hopeful look

at humanity? How novel.

Oh, yeah. It was

a novel idea for a novel.

Not novel enough for anyone

to publish it, but...

Yeah, well, they're

dummies. Yeah, maybe not.

And how'd you come up

with this novel idea?

Um, I don't know.

I-I think...

actually,

mostly 'cause my mom d*ed.

I'm sorry. Don't be.

I'm pretty sure

it wasn't your fault.

Yeah, well, you don't know me.

You don't know

what I'm capable of.

Are you the one wandering around

giving everyone cancer? Yes.

Ah.

That's me.

Ah. That's you? I am cancer girl.

Whoa. Crazy.

So you're a real bad person.

So, um, how long ago

did she pass?

Um...

like a year ago.

Ah.

As soon as the doctor

told her that she had

a-a year or so to live,

she became

almost instantly happier.

What?

Yeah.

Wait, how is that possible?

I think it's like,

as soon as she realized

that she just had

this limited amount of time,

she just kind of relaxed

and, like, all the things

that she was worried about

in her life...

Like, what was she gonna do

about retirement?

Uh, would she have to

sell her house?

Was-was her relationship

going anywhere?

All that stuff just didn't

matter anymore, you know?

It was kind of

suddenly inconsequential.

The only thing

that mattered was just

her happiness in that moment

and what was

right in front of her.

And just, like, being alive

while she could, you know?

Anyway,

that's-that's where the...

that's where the idea

for the novel first came from.

Hmm.

Do you want to do sh*ts?

Yeah.

Mm, uh, how about that one?

Oh, F yeah. I'd totally dance

to that sh*t.

What is that? H-1-4.

What?

Nothing.

What?

Nothing.

I'm just, like, are you real?

Or are you, like, one of those...

Um, what do you call them?

Manic pixie dream girls?

What, you think I'm, like,

here to save you?

Is that it? I'm just saying, like,

beautiful strangers don't

usually just walk up to me

and ask me to go out for drinks,

have a great time. Listen, man.

I don't know anyone in town.Hmm.

So, you know, I'd be happy

to find another tour guide.

I mean, I'm sure any one

of these barflies

would love to show me around.

Hey, Slim, do you like

Peter Sellers?

No.

Okay.

We're okay. No, no, listen.

I'm...

Don't get me wrong, okay?

I'm glad you did.Good.

'Cause that theory is dumb.

All right, all right, all right.

Also, I could have

ulterior motives.

I could totally

be using you right now.

Really? For what?

Quarters, m*therf*cker.

Hand 'em over.

That's all I got.

Okay.

My fiance left me after I had

some emotional problems,

and now I'm broke

and have to take a crap job

and move into

my best friend's garage,

and my life is in

total shambles.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So that's why I went

to the movie today.

Well, then...

I, for one,

am really glad you did.

Me too.

Oh, sh*t.

Okay. VIENNA: What's our motivation?

Like, frowning faces

or, like, sexy...

Oh, sh*t. Oh! I think we're winging it.

Here it comes.

No, they're too fast.

They're coming really fast. It's too...

Oh!

Do it. I won't judge.

Come on, let it loose. This is your thing.

It's not mine. I know, but I-I-I let myself

loose, naked,

vulnerable for you,

so please just give it

to me once real fast.

You talkin' to me?

Are you talkin' to me?

Oh, no.Wow.

That is really bad.

That is...

I told you it was bad. It's like...

It's like you're De Niro

but as a slow Saint Bernard.

It's like you're the taxi driver

who had a stroke and...

That's me.

And got in too many

car accidents.

Okay. I will have you know,

I am very good

at animal impressions.

Ooh, that's exciting.

Yeah.Lion. Go.

I wish I could, but this is me.

Oh. Jesus.

Okay.

Um, how do I do this?

Do I take your number?

Is that proper etiquette?

Yeah. Sounds about right.

Okay.

It's just,

I don't have a phone.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Okay...

What's going on here? Shh.

So you're not from around here,

you don't have an I.D.,

you're balling around

with huge stacks of cash,

and you don't have a phone?

I mean, are you

a hit man or something?

Oh, no.

Seriously, what's...? You found out.

Oh, sh*t.

Do it quickly.

No, I just broke my phone.Wow.

So you have to give me

your number.

Deal.

Oh. Who are those slobs? I don't know.

Who are those weirdos?

Cool.

I'll call you sometime.

Yeah, please do.

Bye.

Bye.

Good night. Okay, good night.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

You have to kiss her.

In this situation,

you have to kiss her.

How many f*cking chances

do you get like that?

Hi. Uh, just a quick question.

Is now too soon?

Night, buddy.

Night.

I met a girl. DOUG: Ah.

I just watched my son piss

in his own mouth.

You want to come in?

Sure.

Cool.

Yeah, man,

she's pretty and funny

and smart and just awesome,

and I'm-I'm-I'm gonna

see her again tonight.

Hell yeah, man.

That's f*cking awesome.

Yeah, it is. It is.

She's a little weird, I guess.

Weird how?

Well, like, uh,

she was walking around

with this huge wad

of cash all night.

So, she rich?

That's not weird.

That's tight.

She also doesn't

have a cell phone.

She doesn't have a...

a cell phone?

Yeah, no phone.

Okay, that is f*cking weird.

Is it?

That is truly bizarre. Really?

Everyone has a cell phone. Not everyone.

Literally ev...

Who doesn't have a phone?

I don't know. Uh, members

of the Mennonite community

don't have cell phones.

People in

the Mennonite community?

Yeah. So she's, like,

walking around in a bonnet,

riding on a horse and buggy?

Is that what

you're telling me?

Yeah.

She's not a f*cking Mennonite.

It's weird.

Yeah. Even Teddy has a cell phone.

Seriously? Yeah.

Yeah, but I guess I'm wondering,

should I be worried?

I don't know, man.

That's a little

out of my jurisdiction.

Baby! Rachel! RACHEL: Shh!

Oh, my God.

Eve is sleeping, you dum-dum.

Dum-dum doo-doo head.

Yeah. Good one, Teddy.

You go sit over there.

We're gonna make lunch.

Babe, we have

a question for you.

Is it weird that

the girl Bart met...

Bart met a girl?

I did. Oh, my God. That is so awesome.

But is it weird that

she doesn't have a phone?

Like, doesn't have

a cellular phone?

Right. DOUG: Mm-hmm.

Is she, like, a fake hipster

who plays the ukulele

and, like, wears a trash bag

around like a dress?

'Cause I'm too tired for that.

No, she's not like that.

She's a really normal,

cool girl.

Okay. Good.

Who just happens

to not have a phone.

Okay, it's still very

weird. It's rubbing me.

It's just rubbing me wrong.Yeah.

Everyone I know has a cell...

My grandma has a cell phone.

She's deaf.

But should I be worried,

is what I'm wondering.

'Cause she's really pretty

and really fun,

and I just kind of

want something good.

So, what's her deal?

Like, where is she from?

What does she do? Uh... Phew.

Not sure, and I'm not sure.

Oh, so you have

a very special connection.

We had a connection. We did.

We just didn't really talk

about that stuff.

Right. You didn't get into it because...

Were you just staring at her

boobs or whatever it is you do

when you think you're making

a huge connection?

So, what's wrong

with staring at boobs?

A lot.

Look, she's not an object.

This is a woman he's...

He-he doesn't know

where she's from.

Fine. Okay, you're right.

Honestly, I'm just so glad

that you're moving on,

because I really liked Whit,

but that was unhealthy.

Amen. Damn right.Unhealthy.

I'm just happy to see you

smiling again, bud.

Yeah.

But mostly,

I'm happy you got laid.

You got laid?!

Oh, this is fantastic.

Yeah. I'm so happy for you.

Hey, Teddy, Uncle Bart got laid.

Yay! DOUG & RACHEL: Yay!

Uncle Bart got laid.

Uncle Bart got laid.

Uncle Bart got laid.Wow.

Hey, B, I'm sorry

I keep calling.

I'm really trying

to give you space, I swear,

but I just got another

message from your doctor,

and I was just starting

to worry a little,

so, you know,

give them or me a call.

Okay? I just...

Hi.

Hi.

You look great.

Thank you. So do you.

Oh, thank you.

I was totally fishing

for that compliment, so...

Mm. I bet. There's always

something with you.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Shall we?

Yeah, let's.

Hey, you're not a Mennonite,

are you?

What? Nothing.

It's pretty incredible.

I'll say.

What's Beethoven's

favorite fruit?

I don't know. What is

Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Oh, my God. That is

way too big of a laugh.

That is a stupid old dad joke.

It's really funny. You love the dad jokes.

I can't believe

you've never heard that.

That's an old...

That's an old standby.

Well, it just slipped

through the cracks.

Mm.

So tell me stuff.

I feel like I-I didn't really

get the scoop last time.

What do you do?

Where you from?

Why are you here? Okay. Whoa.

Um, oh, man.

I work for

this government agency,

and I am from up north.

Cool, cool.

That's all super vague.

It's just really

freaking boring.

Uh-huh.

Continue.

I came to town to...

I don't know why I came to t...

I came to town to,

I guess, escape.

Escape what?

Ugh. Everything.

Work.

Life. My mom.

Mm. So I take it

you and your mom

have a stellar relationship?

Actually, we do.

Yeah, she's just sick.Oh.

sh*t. I'm sorry.

Don't be.

It's not your fault.

It's my fault. Remember?

Cancer girl. Oh, f*ck.

Cancer girl strikes again.

Yeah.

Is it... is it bad?

It's not good.

But it's mostly just exhausting.

So I thought getting away

for a little bit might be good.

Look at us having

so much in common

with our cancer moms.

I know, right?

Yeah. I remember my mom

talking about

what L.A. was like

before I was born.

And how she loved it so much.

How it seemed so romantic

and full of opportunity.

So...

I just wanted to see it.

It is awfully pretty.

Yeah.

And so different now.

Different from what?

Just from, like,

how I envisioned it, I guess.

Oh. I got it.

No, no, no, I got it.

No, no, no, it's fine.

Okay, what's going on here?

I'm paying.

Yeah, but that's got to be

like $10,000.

Yeah, I just didn't want

to leave it in the hotel.

But why do you even have it?

I'm sorry.

You're vague with your answers.

You don't have a phone.

I-I don't want to b*at

a dead horse here,

but I'm legit getting

a little bit freaked out.

What's going on? It's complicated.

I'm sorry. You have to do

better than that.

I-I'm having

a great time with you,

but I'm just getting back

on my feet, okay?

And I-I can't handle

any crazy sh*t.

Okay.

I'm serious.

Okay. Let's talk

about it. Like, I'll leave.

I just don't want

to talk about it here.

Okay.Okay.

I love hummingbirds.

Yeah. They're great.

But we're back

in my apartment now,

away from the crowds

of people, so...

sh**t.

Uh, well...

Oh, my God. Am I about

to wake up in a tub full of ice

without a kidney? No, no, no.

It's nothing like that.

It's just, um...

Buddy, come on. The suspense

is k*lling me here.

Just tell me what's going on.

It's just that...

Just tell me.

You're married.

No.

You're-you're on the run

from the law.

No. Um... You k*lled a man in Texas.

No, it's not...

it-it's not like that. It's...

Just tell me what the

deal is.I'm... No, I'm trying...

I mean, I-I'm here for

you. I'm trying to tell you.

I'm here. This is a safe space.

You can talk to me.

I'm-I'm from the future.

I'm from the future!

Okay. That makes total sense.

I am from...

Oh, my God, you're crazy.

f*ck, man.

Why couldn't you

just have taken a kidney?

I know it sounds crazy,

but I'm being serious.

Cool, cool, cool.

So, what, you're, like,

from the year 4000?

No, no, that's ridiculous.

Agreed. I'm from 2052. I...

Okay, time to go.

Look, I work for a division

of the NSA, okay?

Oh, good for you.

Sounds like a good cool job.

Yeah, it-it is nice, actually,

and I-I have dental and vision,

and that's something because

our health care system

is really f*cked.

Yeah. So is ours.

Time to go now.

Would you please listen to me?

Just...

Would you hear me out?

Please.

Fine.

Okay.

No one really knows

about our branch.

It's kind of a secret division.

We're a research lab

supposedly studying

the transference of matter,

but what we really do is

the study of space and time.

And a while ago,

they figured out

how to actually transcend time.

So, since then, we've been

making changes to the past

to slightly alter our present

for the better.

Or that's the goal, at least.

Okay, so what,

you go back and you...

k*ll h*tler, that kind of thing?

No, you can't do

big things like that.

It's more like, um...

Back to the Future.

Oh, really?

You're from the future,

but you know the movie

Back to the Future?

Yeah, it's a classic.

You know Casablanca, don't you?

Okay, well, that actually

makes sense, but still.

Look, you can't go back

and prohibit your parents

from going to the Enchantment

Under the Sea dance,

or you might actually just,

like, disappear,

but if you make small,

almost imperceptible shifts,

you can change your present

slightly for the better.

Okay, like what?

Like the fact

that anyone gives even

a little bit of a sh*t

about climate change.

That is us.

So, what...

what are you here to do?

Am-am I, like, super important

in the future or something? Oh, my God.

Someone's got an inflated

ego. Believe me, I don't.

That's just a thing from

Bill & Ted's.

Who are Bill and Ted?

Oh, so that's not a classic?

Look, I am not even here

for that.

Ugh. I'm not technically

even supposed

to be allowed to jump, but...

My mom is really...

She really is sick.

And she's broke, and I don't

have the money to help her.

So the idea was to, um,

buy a few stocks, put them

in a safety-deposit box,

and they'd be worth enough

to help her when I get back.

And I didn't tell anybody

about this,

and it was supposed to be quick,

and I didn't expect

to meet someone,

and then I did, and you're...

great.

And now I don't know what to do.

Oh, my God.

This is just...

This is... f*ck.

I-I'm sorry.

Do you want me to go?

Yes.

No.

I don't know. This is just...

This-this is a lot, you know?

Yeah.

This is from

one of my favorite bands,

and they're called Long Weekend,

and the song came out

when I was in college,

and I just always

sort of loved it.

So...

Hello.

Hey.

Mm...

Um...

So, listen.

Mm-hmm.

Um...

I really like you,

but I can only stay here

for a little bit

before I have to...

get back.

So, can we just...

maybe enjoy this?

Just enjoy this?

Yeah.

Okay.

Great.

So, now that we got that

out of the way, um,

I need your help

with something first.

Okay, so why this place?

'Cause it's not going anywhere.

Just the one

safety-deposit box, then?

Yep. That's right. Yes, please.

And, uh,

will it be in your name?

In my name, but, um,

I'd like to make sure

that she has access

to the box, as well.

Right. Of course.

I'll just need your license.Sure.

Okay.

Now, if you could just

fill this out right here.

Mm-hmm.

All right, and this is yours.

And I'll leave you to it.

Thank you so much.

Well?

Right.

Hyundai?

Really?

Oh, yeah.

So...

you did have

ulterior motives here.

Yeah... Kind of.

Yes, it's true.

I had to find

somebody with an I.D.

Okay, so I'm... so I'm just

somebody with an I.D. to you?

No, of course not.

I could have found anyone.

There's a reason I came to you.

Because I was drunk and sleepy?

Exactly.

You were a very easy target.

But really, why... why me?

Oh, buddy.

There are

a lot of reasons, okay?

But...

just know that I-I was

drawn to you and I still am.

Okay. I can live with that.

Okay?

Yeah.

Okay.

So, what now?

Well, we could... sex?

Okay.

Whoa! Oh, my God.

Uh, okay.

I would like to see a bear.

Mm, this bear is

a terrible kisser.

Ah... Ah...

Keep going.

Keep your eyes closed.

Eyes closed.

And stop.

Now come to me.

Ah, I know you're close.

A snake.

Snake. How do I do a snake?

That's kind of a you problem.

That's how it is, huh?

That's not a snake.

That's for sure a snake.

Push, push, push. I am.

Hard. Hard.Well...

Three, two... Okay, step out.

Just let your arms go.

Oh...

Whoa.

Don't you have doorframes

in the future?

Yeah, but this is gonna blow

their f*cking minds.

And... stop.

Oh, oh, sh*t. You o...

What's that thing?

This is a rattlesnake,

and it is its tail.

Oh.

Okay?

I can see.

Oh, God! Jesus.

So, how long do you have?

Um...

just a little bit.

Not long enough.

It's just, you know,

it gets tricky

if you stay too long.

Right.

The f*cking future?

Yeah. 2052.

We have time travel in 2052?Not all of us.

She works for, um,

a secret branch

of the NSA or something.

Dude, that "or something"

is that this chick is crazy.

I thought so too,

but then she-she...

she kind of convinced me.

How? How?

She sang this song

from her favorite band.

And?

And it was a song

I'd never heard before.

I... That's it?

She didn't even try

to do the whole

future Biff convincing

past Biff he was real

by telling him

the outcome of a game?

No, I thought she would do

something like that,

but it was mostly just a song.

Do you understand how easy

it is to come up with a

song? It's not that easy.

It is so easy

to come up with a song.

I will do it right now.

Now I'm from the f*cking future.

Worship me.

Okay, it-it was

better than that.

Okay, but that was pretty

f*cking good, though, right?

It wasn't bad. Dude, come on.

"Flip-flop," "summer love."

That was off the top

of my dome, bruh.

I know. I know. I understand.

Like, it was catchy.

Like, "I might have missed

my calling" catchy.

Doug, it was more than

just a song, all right?

She was also just

really specific

and, like, really normal

and-and really sane,

and-and...

I can't explain why,

but I really do believe her.

I mean... Heh.

It could be true.

Dude, no one is happier than me

that you're getting

your beak wet.

Okay? I am thrilled.

You know,

with all that Whit stuff.

Don't bring that up, please.

After all the Whit stuff...

and the treatment...

Please, man... and all of that.

It's not that. I'm fine.

I know you are. It's not that.

I'm just saying maybe this isn't

the right thing for you

to get involved in.

Maybe you need something

a little more...

stable, you know?

Timmy Emerson.

Normal response.

What about him? Do you remember him?

Yes, I remember him.

He's the little cancer kid

from elementary school.

Who cares? When we were in fourth grade,

he was diagnosed

with stage IV leukemia.

Yeah, I know.

His Make-A-Wish was

to go to a live taping

of Full House.

I was super jealous of that.

That fall,

the doctors told his parents

treatments weren't working.

He wouldn't live past Christmas.

Christmas came.

Timmy was still here.

And then it was spring.

Timmy was still around.

He seemed fine.

And then his parents

took him for a checkup,

and the cancer was just gone.

You know?

I mean, that's f*cking crazy.

Yeah.

If that's a thing

that happened in the world,

then why can't she be

from the future?

Because those are two

completely different things,

man.

But it's not, though.

It's inexplicable,

but it still happened, you know?

It's a crazy f*cking thing,

and it still happened.

I mean, it's possible

is all I'm saying.

Yeah.

Okay. You know, they happened.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, buddy. Look.

I get it.

I do.

I know it's hard to recognize

when someone

you care about is sick.

I saw it with you, and...

Oh, my God. This isn't that.

I know.

This is different. I get it.

Okay? But it seems like

something's going on

with this girl.

Right? And I know it's scary

when you see someone

that you know really well

start to come unglued.

Man, she isn't me, okay?

This is very different.

Yes. Can you just sit down?

Don't do that. Don't do that.

Do what? Don't treat me like that.

I... I just don't want

to see you

take steps backwards.

That's all.

God. I don't want

your f*cking help, Doug.

Barty.

Bart!

Okay, I'm ready.Okay.

And just keep in mind

I haven't done this in a while.

Understood. No judgment.Okay.

Ready? Yep.

Hit it.

Okay.

That's it.

Wow.

Bravo! Thank you.

Encore!

Okay. No.

That was really something.

Okay, it is your turn.

No, no, I can't com...

I can't compete with that.

Uh, I was never in

a dance recital.

Well, too bad.

You're gonna have to

figure out something to show me.

Yeah, this way.

Okay, so when I was

having my problems,

my doctor said

it would be good to have

a physical outlet of some kind,

so I started doing this.

Is this an exercise class

or something?

No.

What is it?

You'll see.

What?

It's dancing in the dark.

Don't think about anything.

Just dance and sweat and...

go crazy.

Okay, if you're really

from the future,

you're gonna have to

give me some specifics.

Like, are we all doomed?

Does George Martin ever

finish those books?

Do the Pirates win

the World Series ever?

I don't know offhand.

I'm not a sports almanac.

Well, then I don't know

if I believe you.

How about that? Oh, really? Seriously?

Yeah, I mean, you tell me

you've unlocked the secrets

of time travel, but all I have

to go off is a song you sang me

and your wildly charming

disposition.

Look, it isn't a good idea

for me to get into specifics.

But I can tell you

that someone as pale as you

is definitely the minority now.

Otherwise, I don't know.

I guess it's not that different.

It's hotter and drier

in some places,

colder and wetter in others.

There are more extremes.

There's still conflict and wars,

and most think it's worse

than it's ever been,

but I'm not sure

it's so different.

'Cause at the end of the day,

people still want

the same things, you know?

Still want to have good jobs,

go on vacation,

see the world, get drunk,

get married, get a dog,

buy a house, have some kids.

We all still want to feel

valued and happy

but are confused when we get

all the things we want

but still don't.

I guess we're all still messy

and flawed and confused

but just trying to do

the best we can, you know?

Just trying to find love.

Does that make sense?

I think so.

You're not just gonna

give me a little hint

about the Pirates

in the World Series?

Oh, my God, give it up.

That'd be too much.

But I will tell you

about this one time

when I was a little girl...

Maybe 6 or something...

There was

this huge meteor shower,

and it was the biggest one

in over, like,

a thousand years or something,

and my dad really wanted

to watch it with me,

so we drove out

to a desert like this one...

because he loved the desert

when he was alive.

Wow.

I guess he's alive right now.

So we packed up these snacks

and hot chocolate,

and we drove to the desert

and sat on a hill like this one.

And the showers weren't

supposed to start

till the middle

of the night, so...

I felt super cool

'cause I got to stay up late

and drink hot cocoa.

But then, eventually, I fell

asleep on his shoulder, and...

he woke me up.

He nudged me a little,

and he said:

"Hey, sweet pea, look up."

And above us was...

just a brilliant sight.

Thousands of meteors

streaking through the sky.

White and purple.

Blue with some green.

It was like the sky

had just exploded

into this amazing

celestial dance.

And it was just

the most beautiful sight

I've ever seen.

Can you imagine such a thing?

I can.

So don't miss it. Okay?

Okay.

Hello?

Vienna?

There you are.

Hey. Buddy.

You okay?

Yeah. Morning.

Morning.

Hi.

Hi.

Yeah, I'm good.

Do you want to hit the road?

Maybe get some coffee?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Home sweet home.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hmm?

You okay?

Yeah.

I'm just...

real tired.

Cannonball! Ha-ha! Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Did I wake you?

You might have.

Oh, good, because we've got

things we have to do.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I made us a picnic

and everything.

So let's go. Come on, come on.

Out, out, out, out, out, out.

Up, up, up, up, up.

Go, go, go. Five minutes.

Okay. Well, then I guess

I could always go for some...

butthole.

No! No!

I want that butt. Ow.

Okay, I'm up. I'm up.

The mouse.

No, where? Yeah.

You see the two ears,

and then its little nose

right there?

You know I'm okay, right?

Okay.

Like, I'm not crazy, unstable.

You know, it's just...

it's just a thing

that happens when you travel.

It's... If you're out of

your own time for too long,

your brain chemistry

kind of shifts,

and then you can start

feeling, um,

untethered.

That's why I can't stay long.

Last fall, I, um...

I became really anxious about...

everything. Heh.

Like, life in general, I guess.

I mean, my-my mom d*ed,

and things with, uh, Whit,

my ex, weren't great,

and I wasn't getting any work,

and I, like, stopped sleeping,

and I stopped going out,

and I stopped, like,

wanting to do anything.

And at some point,

I kind of lost touch

with what was real

and what wasn't.

You know?

Yeah, I do.

So that's when Doug stepped in

and made me get help.

And at first,

I was so pissed at him.

But looking back, I really...

I really needed it.

Just being a person

is hard, huh?

- Hold on. Slow down.

- Mi dispiace...

Mi dispiace, ma non parlo

bene l'italiano.

Mi dispiace, ma non...

Non parlo bene l'italiano.

Ma non parlo bene l'italiano.

Yeah. Oh.

Mm. That's good.

What does that mean?

It means, "I'm very sorry,

but I don't speak Italian

very well."

That's useful.Mm-hmm.

How do you know so much Italian?

Oh, my God. People got really

into Italian after Venice.

What happened in Venice?

What do you think

happened in Venice?

Mm, what else you got? Um...

Io sono un pessimo conversatore

ma un amante eccellente.

Translation?

"I am a bad conversationalist

but a superb lover."

Oh.

Yeah.

Use that one a lot, do you? Uh-huh.

You know, just some basics. Right.

Uh, does this need more salt?

Perfetto. Perfetto?

Si, si, si, si.Okay.

We just need more wine,

and we're good.

It's in the other room.

I'll get it.

Uh, what is the phrase again?

Io sono un pessimo conversatore

ma un amante eccellente.

Io sono un pessimo

conversatore...

Io sono

un pessimo conversatore...

Wha... bella, help me.

I'm stuck in a loop

with the "conversatore."

We need to start with

some basic phrases, I think.

Like, "Where's the bathroom?"

And, uh, "I'm lost."

And, "Thank you."

'Cause I'm-I'm kind of

sh1tting the bed on this.

Hey, hey.

Buddy, what's going on?

I'm sorry. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's okay. It's okay.

I'm sorry. I-I can't...

I got you.

I can't stop.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay.

Take deep breaths.

I've just stayed too long,

and...

I don't want to g-g-go.

Hey, hey.

We'll-we'll figure it out.

Okay. Take deep breaths.

It's okay. I got you.

I just don't know what to do,

because I love y-you.

I love you too.

It's gonna be okay.

We're gonna figure it out,

all right?

It's okay.

It's okay.

You're okay. Okay.

Hey.

It's all right.

Hey. You all right?

Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I'm fine.

I just, uh...

I'm sorry for being a d*ck, man.

I'm really sorry.

Barty, it's okay, man.

I just... I don't know...

I don't know what to do, Doug.

Just tell me what to do.

Uh, I don't know, man.

And if you really like

this girl...

I do. I do so much.

Well, then...

help her.

You know better than anyone.

Sometimes we've got to step in

and help the people we love.

Yeah, you're right.

Good advice.

Thanks, Doug.

I'm here, man.

Just call if you need

anything, okay?

Okay. Will do. You're the best.

Yeah.

Perfect.

Thanks-thanks for fitting us in.

Yeah, that's-that's correct.

Morning.

Morning.

Um...

I have something for us to do.

Okay.

Such a pretty day, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is.

It's really pretty.

You don't believe me, do you?

I don't know.

I-I-I... I want to,

and I'm trying to,

but...

I don't know if I can.

Either way, I-I...

I don't want to lose you.

And the people inside,

they can help.

They-they... They helped me

last fall when I...

came untethered.

Just talk to the doctor,

and then we can go get

some food or something.

Yeah, of course.

It's no big deal.

He just, like, kind of

refers you to someone else.

You just sort of tell him

what's going on,

and then he makes an assessment,

and then that's it.

Low pressure.

Nice. I like low pressure.

I'll be here the whole time.

We're ready for you.

Okay.

Hey. It's gonna be fine.

Yeah.

Hey, you.

I love you.

And that's real, okay?

So...

you just remember that.

That this will always be real.

Okay, buddy?

Okay, buddy.

I love you too.

Sir, are you okay?

Sir!

Nurse, he's awake.

Can we have someone

in here, please?

Thank you.

Hey, pal.

All right.

Welcome back. How you feeling?

You've been in and out,

uh, for a while now.

I got a bad headache.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Well, if you push

that button right there,

you can get

a little hit of morphine.

I asked for one too,

but they were like, "Nah."

What's going on, Doug?

What is going on?

A lot is actually going on.

Well, I mean, the doctors

will explain this

way better than me,

way bigger words,

but you had a tumor

sitting on your brain, pal.

They, uh, said that

you're incredibly lucky

that you were at the hospital

when it ruptured.

Otherwise, you wouldn't

have made it.

But they...

They got it?

Yeah, they operated on you.

They got it out? Got it all out.

Scooped it out.

They said you'll be good as new

in a couple of days.

Well, that's good.

Yeah, it's really good, man.

It's really good.

Yeah.Jesus.

Yeah, it's a lot.

Um, where's Vienna?

Um...

Uh, okay, so...

so, oftentimes,

when someone has a tumor

pressed against their brain

like you did, um,

apparently, it can affect

the way that

they process information.

Right, but where is she?

Bart, can we wait

for the doctor to get here?

No, just tell me where she is.

I'd rather the doctor explain.

Doug, where is she?

Just tell me.

She's not real, Bart.

I tried to track her down.

I couldn't find anything.

None of her stuff is at

your apartment or at the hotel.

Yeah, yes, it is.

What are you talking about?

I know it sounds impossible,

but the doctor said

that this can happen.

This isn't funny, man.

Give me my phone.

I already checked that.

It's not...

Give me my phone, Doug!

What?

What the f*ck?

You erased my pictures?

I didn't erase them.

They were never there.

You're lying.Bart.

Why are you doing this, man?

I'm not lying to you. What the f*ck?

Bart.

Come here.

Come on, man.

It's okay.

I'm just happy you're here, man.

Cannonball!

Oh, you got me in the marbles,

Cannonball Guy,

and now you must pay.

It tickles!

Daddy, he's tickling me. I got ya!

All right, let's go.

All right, Booger Monster.

Let's give your Uncle Bart

some space

so he can get settled in.

Bye, Booger Monster.

All right.

I think it looks cool.

Could be worse.

Actually, up close,

it looks kind of gross.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's pretty f*cking

disgusting. Yeah, seriously.

Thanks for getting my stuff.

Ah, no problem, man.

Although you might

want to, like,

go back and double-check

just to make sure

I got everything,

'cause I had Eve with me, so...

who knows what I left behind?

Will do.

Yeah. Ah.

You gonna be okay in here, man?

Oh, yeah.

I'll be super cozy.

Yeah, but are you gonna be,

like... like, okay?

Did I ever tell you about

the time I went down to Cancn?

Like, years ago with Whit? Yeah.

On the plane, I was sitting

next to this older Black guy

wearing a head-to-toe

cowboy outfit.

I don't believe this. It's true.

We get to talking,

and he tells me

he's from Maryland.

So I'm like, "What the hell's

up with the clothes?

I got to ask."

And he says that he used to be

a big rig driver

and he would crisscross

the country every week.

This one time,

he was outside of El Paso.

He was getting out of his

truck, and he spilled coffee

all over himself,

just everywhere.

So he goes to a truck stop

to get cleaned up,

but he decides he's just

gonna buy a new shirt,

but all they have

are cowboy shirts.

So, once he gets

the cowboy shirt,

he figures,

"f*ck it. Why not go all in?"

So he gets the boot and the hat

and the bolo tie,

the whole deal.

Goes into a diner

to get something to eat,

and as he walks in the door,

this little 3-year-old girl

just lights up

when she sees him.

Mm.Runs up to him,

gives him a big hug.

Has her dad come over

and take a picture together.

He said it was just great,

made his day.

But that's not it,

because for the next two days,

everywhere he goes

in this outfit,

people just light up

when they see him.

And that's when he realizes

that everyone loves

seeing a cowboy.

And he loved that feeling

so much of bringing

that, like, simple joy

into every room he walked into

that he decided

from that moment on,

he was always gonna dress

like a cowboy.

He seems like

a pretty chill guy.

Yeah.Yeah.

And I remember thinking, like:

"God, I want to have stories

like that when I'm older."

You know?

And now it's like...

well, I'm older, and...

I have stories, but...

I don't know, I just thought

my stories would be different.

I-I just...

I thought they'd be happier.

Come on, Barty.

They will be, man.

They will be.

You just got to give it time.

Just when I...

when I thought she was crazy,

she was still real.

You know, I could still...

hold her and smell her.

But now it's...

Look, man, you know

I don't subscribe to

the whole "everything happens

for a reason" bullshit,

but for some reason,

that girl...

or hallucination or...

I don't know, whatever

manifestation was caused

by that lemon-sized mass

on your frontal lobe

made it so that

you were at a hospital

exactly when you needed to be.

And for the life of me,

I can't figure out

a rational reason as to

why the f*ck that would happen.

But it did, and you're here.

I don't know, man.

It's just...

I just know that that girl

came into your life

for a reason.

And that's enough for me.

I'll get you some cowboy stuff

if you want it.

That was actually the point

of my whole story.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Larry.

Hey. Just, uh, dropping by

to see how you're settling in

after your first week.

Oh, good. Good, I think.

Yeah, thanks.

That's great.

And just so you know,

everyone is so thrilled

to have you here.

And if you need

any more time to recover

for your head stuff,

that's totally cool.

I really appreciate that.

Thank you. Nah, come on.

Hey, it's a medical company.

If anyone knows

that medical stuff happens,

it's us, right?

Yeah, I guess...

I guess you would know that.

Keep up the good work, partner.Thanks.

Ah, ah.

Larry, you dumb idiot.

You forgot the reason

you came by... Your first check.

Ah.Yeah.

All right.

Now I'm really leaving.

Thank you.

Pound it.

Yeah, there you go.

That'll be our thing.

Thank God you're still alive.Yeah.

It's gonna take more than some

dumb tumor to get rid of me.

Oh, let me look at you.

Oh... if I was younger

and I would have seen you

across a bar with that...

Oh, yeah? I would've given you

the keys to the kingdom.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Man, you know,

in another life, Patricia,

you and me, we could've

been real destructive together.

I would have ruined your life.

Well, look, I got you something.

Oh, no. Really? Mm. Yes.

That's sweet. Here. For all the times

you saved my sanity,

one parting sh*t.That's...

Let's do it.Okay.

Thank you. Thank you.

Salud.Salud.

Ah.

Oh, I didn't tell you

who's moving in.

Mm. Tell me. Two EDM DJs.

Oof.EDM.

No.They're a couple.

That is so many

beats per minute.

It's gross.Wow. Love does find a way.

I guess it does.

Oh, you don't have to rush.

Those idiots aren't moving in

until tomorrow.

Oh, here we go.

Mr. Morelli.

No, you cannot keep

borrowing my plunger.

Because you're an adult

and this is disgusting.

Your IBS is not my problem.

This is you right here.

Thank you. Thanks very much.

I love you, buddy.

That's real.

Always yours, Vienna.

P.S. Look for the Pirates

to win big

in the late '20s.