01x09 - Mondo Mia!

[bunniefuu]

- [sucking]

[surf music]

- Who...
- Is...

- That...

- Person?

What? I like
being part of sentences, too.

- Oh, my god, it's him!
It's mondo.

- ♪ well,
I'm the king of the ocean ♪

♪ they call me mondo man

- Oh!

- Ahh!

- ♪ yes,
I'm the king of the ocean ♪

♪ they call me mondo man

- [sucking]

- ♪ let's get this party
started ♪

♪ 'cause I'm comin'
to your sands ♪

- [coughing]
oh, yeah.

♪

- ♪ I intoxicate
the ladies ♪

♪ they're addicted
to my cr*ck ♪

[neon buzzing]

♪ I've got a buddy
who's a shark ♪

♪ he's always got my back ♪

Right, terry?

[guitar solo]

♪ I'm the king of the ocean ♪

♪ they call me mondo man

♪ get those funbags ready

♪ 'cause I'm coming
with both hands ♪

Motorboat!
[gurgling]

All:
♪ he's the king of the ocean ♪

♪ they call him mondo man

- ♪ he's got a red-hot mama ♪

- ♪ but who the hell's
his dad? ♪

- What did you say?

- Who is the dad?

- I--I'm not sure.

- Who is the dad?

- I don't know!

[laughter]

- Hint, it's the one
with the penis, dumbass.

- [laughs]

- You know, I almost didn't even
ask that question

Because
it was too stupid.

[rock music]

♪

- Mondo, check it out.

- Um, yeah, yeah,
skin cancer's no joke.

- Dude,
what is with you today?

Oh, dad stuff again, huh?

- I mean, most of the time,
I'm cool not having a dad,

But sometimes I just
wish I knew who he was.

- So weird that your mom
won't tell you.

- Whenever
I try to talk to her about it,

She thinks she can just
distract me with ice cream,

As if a deeply emotional hole
in my soul could be filled

With the temporary satisfaction
of a frozen treat.

- What were we talking
about again?

- You were sad about your dad.

- Really?

Because I feel so happy and
satisfied with this ice cream.

[sighs] I guess
I'll never know who he is.

- Well, hey, there,
student people.

- Principal gurniel?

You play music
on the street?

- Can't afford
the houseboat-swinger lifestyle

On a public-school salary.

Anyhoo, it sounds like
you need to send back

Your down-in-the-dumplings
for a better happy-tizer.

Here's a little ditty
to pick you up.

♪ a fatherless son
wanders the world alone ♪

♪ no "dad pics" folder
on his iphone ♪

♪ no one to teach him
how to grow up ♪

♪ to spank it or crank it
or pee standing up ♪

- It's true.
I spray all over the place,

Like a hose
with the thumb on the nozzle.

♪

♪ just think of the dad things
that I'll never know ♪

[thump]
[bell rings]

- ♪ building your muscles
just like the pros ♪

- ♪ helping
to make your garden grow ♪

- ♪ or selling sperms
just for the dough ♪

- ♪ but having a dad
can be a real suck-fest ♪

♪ work comes first
and then all the rest ♪

♪ coming home drunk
with all his slutty guests ♪

- ♪ but then they buy you
brand-new breasts ♪

- ♪ no one to teach me
how to grow up ♪

♪ to spank it or crank it
or pee standing up ♪

- Hey! Get the [bleep] away
from my kid, you perv!

- Getting old sucks, voneeta.
I mean, sure I'm a milf.

But how long before I'm a gilf
or a g-gilf,

Or worse, my "ilf" days
are gone forever?

- Oh, plug your three holes,
sex-face.

I know you're p.M.S.-Ing
about your birthday this week,

But if you're feelin' old
and down, do what I do.

Strap on the internets
and give facebook a poke-see.

- I don't know.

I mean, I wouldn't even know
where to begin.

- Just pop in a password.

And now all we need
is a photo.

- Hmm. I don't know
if I have a recent one.

- Oh, I have a bunch of you
sleeping.

Oh, did I say "sleeping"?
I meant blinking...

Late at night...
In bed.

You look really pretty
when you blink.

- Ugh, him? And him?

Every horny creep
I ever dated is in here.

- Hey, ma...

I was hoping
I could ask you something,

Uh, about my dad.

- Honey,
it's not a good time.

Here.
- But I really need to--

Oh! Dulce de leche!

[grumbling]

- Dude, I got it!
- Got what?

- You heard babs.

Every guy she ever dated
is on her facebook.

One of those horny creeps
could be your dad!

- Balls!
Without my mom's password,

I can't see
any of these guys' profiles.

Oh, my dad's so close,
I can smell him.

[sniffs]
baby powder and chinese food?

- Eggroll?
[both scream]

- Wadska! What the [bleep]
are you doing in my closet?

- We had a secret sleepover
last night.

- I don't know
what you're talking about.

- Well, it wouldn't be a secret
if you did!

Now,
do you want my help

In hacking
your mother's account, or not?

- I guess.
- [cracks knuckles]

[giggles]
okay, barbara "babs" brando,

It's time
to get inside you.

You're a woman,
a lady, a mother with breasts!

And what's most important
to a mother?

Your child, your son,
your little itty-bitty baby,

Your mondo,
your little munchkin!

Hmm, I'm close,
aren't I, babs?

You're a woman of
certain tastes, certain wants,

Certain desires!
You clever, clever girl.

Boom!
We're in!

- What was the password?
- Eh, munchkinmama69.

- Nice.

- 3,000 friends?
Ahh!

This would be
so much easier

If we only knew your
mom's menstrual cycle.

- What?
- 15th of every month,

Like clockwork.

Her breasts swell up,
am I the only one that notices?

- All right, factoring in
a gestation period of 280 days

Tells us mondo was conceived
on or around 12:05am,

July fourth, 1995,
plus or minus six days.

- That's the summer
she worked at disney!

- Land?
- World.

- [whistles]
- whistle!

- I know, right?
She ran the gelato stand

In the international
food court.

- Ahh!
Excellent.

Filtering our results by gender,
former employers

And overly friendly messages,
drum roll please...

One of these four men
is your father!

- Um, one of these
is a cartoon duck.

- One of these three men and
a cartoon duck is your father!

- [chomps]

- ♪ I was the new girl

♪ I was the cool girl

♪ now I'm nothing
but an old cougar ♪

♪ I used to turn heads,
fall out of strange beds ♪

♪ now I'm stuck wearing
my mom jeans instead ♪

♪ all the boys used to say
such sweet things ♪

♪ like "give us a kiss,"
and "show us your tits" ♪

♪ now all they call me
is "lady" and "ma'am" ♪

♪ oh, what I'd give
to hear just one-- ♪

- God damn!

♪ I'm not the new girl ♪

[bank alarm rings]
♪ I'm not the cool girl ♪

♪ now I am only
an aging cougar ♪

[fireworks explode]
- yeah.

- We gotta do something.

What if we threw her
an awesome party?

- You young hoochie-coochie
flapper girls,

Thinking all life's problems

Can be solved
with some spiked punch

And an assortment of paraffin
rainbow lip coverings.

- Listen, someday somebody's
gonna call me a cougar,

Or whatever people call
hot older chicks in the future.

- Skank.
I'm pretty sure it'll be skank.

Things tend to run
in cycles.

- Sure, and when that happens,
all I know

Is that nothing would make me
feel more vital and alive

Than partying
with my friends

Until I'm passed out
in a pool of my own vom.

- Hells, yea my [bleep]
is pumped up right now!

God damn,
I need a b*at!

[record spins at fast speed]

[hip-hop music]
- ♪ uh-huh, back up

♪ here it comes

♪ now I roll up one, two,
three, four deep ♪

♪ but ain't no one around,
that's just me ♪

♪ the "t"
to the double e-t-z ♪

♪ sitting high,
sitting fly ♪

♪ like pharcyde said,
I keep on...

- ♪ passing you by
♪ passing you by

- ♪ but it ain't about me ♪

♪ it's about "b"
biggity "b," biggity "a," ♪

♪ biggity "b,"
biggity "z" ♪

♪ I'm talking babs ♪
- what?

- ♪ talkin' babs ♪
- who?

♪ the queen, the diva,
my reason to be ♪

♪ oughta put that ass
on mtv ♪

- Okay, okay, I hear you,
ms. "t," but check this,

We got a party to plan,
so...

♪ shop 'til we drop,
we gots to cop ♪

♪ swiping plastic, dropping cash
like we slinging rock ♪

♪ buyin' up the bar,
oh, snap, that's right ♪

♪ bar's already bought ♪
- ♪ bought, bought, bought

- Not bad, jeena, but I think
it's about that time.

Yo, tang,
hit 'em with the hook!

- Hey-y.
"t" to the "ang."

You better recognize.

♪ hau'oli la hanau
is the way we say ♪

♪ gonna get real crunk
on babs' birthday ♪

♪ hau'oli la hanau
is the way we say ♪

♪ gonna freak and funk
all on your face ♪

[record scratch]

- Sending a mass evite
right now.

Wow, ms. Teets. Where
did you learn to rap like that?

- Oh, well, let's just say
I banged a lot of black guys

And they were
always listening to rap music

So I got really good
at rapping, or something.

- So who are
the three maybe-daddies?

- First one
is nicos petros.

- He's
a yachting enthusiast!

- What island is that-a,
papi?

- Yeah, that's your island,
my little prince.

Mondonesia,
the island of forbidden bikini.

All: [giggle]

- [laughs]
I could live with that.

Who's next?

- Jag knullerbrod.

- Dude! He's an effin'
swedish rock star!

[scandinavian pop music]

- Vat city are ve in,
fahder?

- Your city, sonny. Mondostadt.
[crowd cheers]

Now take your stage dive.

- Yeah!

Seriously, you guys gotta
get in on these fantasies.

I'm k*lling it in here.

And the last one?

- Lord clive goodspeed, of
the buckinghamshire goodspeeds.

- Oh,
look at the resemblance!

It's like I'm staring
into a mirror.

[classical music]

Your turn, daddy!

Best of luck hitting a googly
on that sticky wicket.

- Pish posh. Tea?
[rings bell]

All: [giggle]

- You hit the jackpot, dude.

Now we just need a way
to narrow them down.

- Mmm...
Mamma mia!

Hello, mamma mia?
The classic swede-pop musical

And motion picture
of the same name?

But the singing,
the dancing,

The sequined spandex
that line the body. Oh!

Nothing?

It's simple. We send a facebook
message from "babs brando,"

Inviting
the potential papas

To your mom's birthday party
this weekend,

We do
a little private d*ck work,

And faster than you can sing
dancing queen,

You will know
who your daddy is!

- That's actually
a really great idea.

- And to put us in the mood,
I just happen to have

A dvd of mamma mia!

Look mommy, I'm a lady now!
Pretty, pretty lady!

Oops, wrong one.

- We still got some time to k*ll
before the party,

So what are you guys
in the mood for--coke, lsd?

- Heroin?
- Oh, we always do heroin.

Let's just put it
on random.

Perfect!

- And uno, dos,
tres, quatro!

[rock music]

- ♪ jersey girl
and her little brat ♪

♪ they headed west
and that was that ♪

♪ hungry heart
and born to run ♪

♪ left the shore
to have some fun ♪

♪ well, we got each other
and that's all we need ♪

♪ all daddy did
was plant the seed ♪

♪ hey, hey, hey, hey

♪ little bastard

[saxophone solo]

- Hey!

- ♪ he'll keep searchin'
those back streets ♪

♪ for the only man
to make his family complete ♪

♪ dreams of the reunion
of the jersey dad ♪

♪ and the california son,
but until that day comes ♪

♪ well, we got each other
and that's all we need ♪

♪ all daddy did
was plant the seed ♪

- ♪ hey, hey, hey, hey

- ♪ little bastard

- Very heartfelt,
very thematical.

- I know, right?
- Encore! Encore!

- Is this your underwear?

- Maybe.

- We've gotta get
over to the party!

I've got
some dads to meet!

- ♪ now all they call me
is "lady" and "ma'am" ♪

♪ what I would give
to hear just one-- ♪

- God damn!

[club music]
- ♪ yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

♪

- So what's your strategy?

How are you gonna know
who your dad is?

- I'll just know, woodie.
I'll feel it in my heart.

- But the heart lies.
Semen doesn't.

- ♪ yeah!

- What the hell
was that?

- Oh, it's just
my david caruso sunglasses.

They came with my
"csi jr. Dna testing kit,"

Which I'm gonna use
to determine who your father is!

- ♪ yeah!

[door opens]

[door closes]

- Okay, there's papa nicos.
Let's go.

Both: [chomp]
[burp]

Balls!

- Dude, that's eerie.

- I know! We couldn't be
more different.

Like, my polar opposite
in every way--

Ooh, I love this tune!

[folk music]

♪

- Looks like
the catch of the day...

Is you.
- ♪ yeah!

- [sighs]

[door closes]

Hey! Check it out!
We have the same penis!

We're penis twins!

[taser zapping]
oh!

[zipper sound]

- If it's yellow,
wadska says "hello."

- ♪ yeah!

- Hey, small wonder,
want some punch?

- Okay, you're either
going to punch me in the face,

Or dunk my head
in the punch.

- Actually,
I was just trying to be nice,

But those ideas
are hard to resist.

- Unfist that lad.
- What?

- I said unfist!

Ha!
[thumping]

- Gentleman ninja!
Run!

All: [whimper and moan]

- You all right there, son?
- Son?

- Quite a hooligan,
that one.

I'm guessing
there's a girl involved?

- There is!

Jeena!
She's awesome,

But whenever I'm around her
I get all tongue-tied.

- Oh,
tongue-tied is good!

You just need to blend it
with a proper british accent

And you'll be a hobbit-sized
hugh grant in no time.

[laughs]
now get to it!

- 'ello, jeena.

- Um, that's the worst accent
I've ever heard.

- Bollocks!

Excuse me, party-guest,
would you mind

Signing this birthday card
for babs?

- Be my pleasure.

Blast!
Paper cut.

- Oh I'm so sorry, here.

Let's just dab that up
with this glass specimen slide.

Now let's see
if you've made...

The cut.

- ♪ yeah!

- Well, I think
it's pretty clear

Who my father is.

- Clive.
- Nicos.

- Jag.

So it's official--cartoon duck
has been eliminated,

And the dna results
will be ready in ten minutes.

- Uh, we may not
have to wait that long, dude.

All: Happy birthday.

- Feliz cumpleaños, babs!

- Oh, my god, nicos? Jag?
Clive?

I haven't seen you guys in,
what, fifteen years?

Uh, mondo,
what's going on here?

- 'kay, and I think you'll
get a kick out of this,

So I hacked into
your facebook account--sorry--

Pretended to be you--
again sorry--

Sent lascivious messages
promising sex--

- Oh.
- Mmm.

- Super sorry--

And invited these guys
here for your happy day!

So which one's my daddy?

- [chomps]

- Your daddy?

[sighs] oh, mondo honey,
none of them are.

- But I was gonna be
a yachtsman with nicos.

Yachtsman?
Oh, no, no, no.

I'm afraid you have
the wrong impression of me.

I steal boats,
but only to smuggle dr*gs.

- Oh, okay, but I could have
lived the rock star life

With my penis twin jag!

[taser zapping]
- [gags]

- He'll be fine.
Also, I am no rock star,

Unless you call
having the world's only

One-man abba tribute band
being a rock star.

- So I guess
you're not a real lord

With hundreds of acres,

Teeming with
a bevy of topless tea maidens?

- Actually,
it's thousands of acres,

And the tea maidens
are completely nude.

But
I am not your father.

- I'm sorry, honey,
these guysys are just my friend.

I didn't
sleep with any of them.

Although if you have
an opening as a tea maiden...

[laughs]
anyway,

You know what,
I think we need to talk.

- Wait!
No one's going anywhere!

I've got a positive match.
Your father is...

- [chomps]
yeah, uh, mmm.

- Me! There's traces
of my dna in every sample.

- Wadska, that doesn't
make any sense.

- I always suspected I was some
sort of time-traveling lothario.

This case is...

Closed.

Cheap-ass batteries.

♪ yeah!

- I should have told you about
your father a long time ago.

Your father was
part of a powerful family.

- The mob?

- He didn't like to say,
but yeah.

Anyway, your father was
what they call a cleaner.

[car explodes]

- He got rid of bodies?

No!
It was mostly custodial.

[vacuum cleaner runs]
- whoa.

All: [giggle]
- and no, there weren't any

Topless maids there,
if that's what you're thinking.

Anyway, he saw some things
that he shouldn't have seen.

And after that,
his life was in danger.

[beeps]
[expl*si*n]

- Balls.

- Since I was pregnant,
he went into hiding,

And I spent the summer
in the nicest,

Safest place
I could think of--

Orlando, florida.

Oh, he's not your dad, but I did
smush the hell outta that duck.

At the end of the summer,
I went back to jersey,

Where I had you, the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Now come on,
let's get back inside.

Your plan
may have been stupid,

But it did show me
that guys will still

Travel across the world
for a little slice of this.

[glasses clink]

[buttons rip]
- oy.

- What exactly did you promise
those guys anyway?

[synthesizer music]
I am jag, and this is...

Abba-ortion!

[pop music]]

-♪ Got my ladies here with me
and we're gonna set it off ♪

♪ A milf, a gilf,
and a future skank, ♪

♪ And whatever
ms. Teets is called ♪

♪ I'm a b.B. Dubz
who's d.T.F. ♪

♪ That stands for big-Boned
woman who's down to [bleep] ♪

- Okay.

All: ♪ So raise a glass
and baby get some ass ♪

♪ I'm gonna get super drunk
and pass out behind the stage ♪

♪ If any ladies
want to take advantage ♪

♪ Of a boy that's underage ♪

♪ I'd say that you're
on thin ice, mister ♪

♪ If i wasn't
gonna pass out first ♪

- Awesome!

All:♪ So raise a glass
and baby get some ass ♪

-♪ We came here
for a brando bang ♪

♪ We'll settle for
some teets and tang ♪

- Oh, it's on.
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

All: ♪ So raise a glass
and baby get some ass ♪

♪ So raise a glass
and baby get some ass ♪

♪ So raise a glass
and baby get some ass ♪

- So go getcha some.

♪ I'd love to teach him
how to grow up ♪

♪ To spank it, or crank it,
or pee standing up ♪

[Chomp]

♪ Oh! ♪