01x07 - Coke Addicts

[bunniefuu]

virtue it always been cool

you

I don't seem right

oops I forgot

dude what the hell is that gentlemen

that is the sound of your destiny cool

we're gonna be robots hey Joe where were

you last night I pulled another

all-nighter wow you really know how to

party

I'm thirsty

hey Joe are you gonna drink that coke no

you want it whoops I spilled it in my

mouth

whoops there I go again I keep spilling

it in my mouth

Wow Joe's clumsy it's probably all that

partying do you have any change for the

soda machine I have this penny but I'm

gonna put it on the train tracks then

I'll sell it for two pennies then I'll

just repeat the process until I have

more money than Jesus but that could

take hours I'm thirsty now if you want a

coke why don't you just tip the soda

machine like everybody else we don't

have enough money to pay for a coke

we can't afford to tip the machine no

tilt it over like 15 percent if you're

generous 18 can you show me how I'd love

to but I don't want to I got to get

psyched up for my new business venture

ah Jesus you think you're such a fat cat

with your pointy crown and your fancy

wine parties you're going down

amen

this isn't so hard let's see I better

tell which one I want oh my god

so we let this k2 feasel Boulder on the

floor all by its lonesome my whole life

is flashing in front of my eyes

oh no here comes the part where the soda

machine falls on me oh crap

alright so you say it burns when you pee

what no it's my arm so your arm burns

when you pee mm-hmm have you been

sexually active lately do you know any

chicks that like to party aah oww aah

oww aah oww aah oww aah oww Oh would you

stop that I'm trying to study dude why

are you always working so hard what's it

gonna get you my undergraduate degree

that's it No then I'll go to medical

school become a highly paid surgeon have

a corner office and luxury cars that's

it No

then I'll have the freedom to retire

relax and do nothing I'm already doing

nothing Wow I'm way ahead of the game

did God ever create a more pathetic

individual surprise inspection get out

of here

will do

I'm still thirsty me too

let's get some cokes we still don't have

any change

check behind my ear my uncle used to

find quarters back there all the time

no there's just this lump it looks

pretty soft

he had freiberger in Linda Hodgdon oh my

god

it had Freiburger in magna Hassan sweet

we got to remember that one

well that's even better than when I pull

your finger man I'd do anything for just

one little coke where could we get some

change

Josaphat strictly off-limits

like his change jar yeah but this is

kind of an emergency but don't you think

he'll know how's he possibly gonna know

what uh oh

time for my fibercon score sweet

and then I was like dude what are you

doing dude no way

he lost the receipt you guys have been

into my change jar haven't you

what no where'd you get a crazy idea

like that um those cans were given to us

by a friendly hobo his name was hobo

hobo Steen I clearly can't trust you two

imbeciles I'm going to class and I'm

taking my change jar with me idiots no

respect for personal property I told you

I don't have any money I know that's why

I'm so pissed off my arms are getting

tired

hit yourself for a while not like that I

fight dirty hey why are you hitting

yourself you just told me to that's a

kind of back talk that'll get your ass

kicked is there nothing I could say that

will result in more beatings the only

thing that could save you now is if a

more obvious target walks by try to take

change for me

if you want to talk about now you're

just victimized my door is always open

just like my appendix scar oh the bad

news is you sustained a lot of internal

injuries the good news is the baby's

gonna be just fine but I'm a man are you

sure I was punched in the stomach

why are you taking my temperature I

don't know

must be some reason I brought a

thermometer in here dr. Anderson did you

get that rectal temperature reading from

the kidney exam room two to two wait

you're doing it all wrong what do you

know about it I'm gonna be a doctor

someday myself but not in a crappy

Student Health Center like this I used

to think that when I was your age of

course I wasn't drinking nearly as much

cough syrup back then with all due

respect doctor you can't compare the two

of us I was valedictorian of my high

school so was I

I graduated in three and a half years

three I was president of future doctors

of America founded it anyway I had grand

plans like you did once corner office

fancy car I I don't get it what happened

I went to barter college it was all

downhill from there does anybody from

this school go on to succeed I don't

know most students I treat don't even

survive let alone go on to succeed now

have you ever shared any needles with

anyone no well you're about to

George Washington John Adams Thomas

Jefferson these people went to barter

College oh I thought you wanted a list

of presidents no I clearly asked you if

there have been any successful graduates

from barter college well Manny barter

graduates have gone on to be standouts

in their fields some are even quite

famous really sure there was Jeff

Gillooly and then there was one other

one no that was Jeff Gillooly aren't

there any alumni who run a hospital or

built a business well there is our win'

Epstein would you like to meet him yes I

bet you regret mouthing off to me about

the presidents and don't you what

say you're sorry but say it I'm sorry

who's the Queen you are who's the little

peasant boy who doesn't know his place I

am who's willing to dance for this

address

want a tool mr. Epstein it's a pleasure

to finally meet a barter graduate who

you did attend barter College right oh

you bet your boots I did I studied film

production and journalism at barter

parlayed that into a media empire

publishing home video a lot of home

video what kind of home video Irwin

Epstein you're under arrest for

jaywalking Oh also the production and

sale of child p*rn

I hope you get the chair Joe be a dear

and set the house on fire I'll transfer

anywhere it doesn't have to be Ivy

League just get me out of barter I said

one phone call pervert you want to spend

tonight in the hole

can I please I'm still thirsty

hi this is gonna be sweet

tastes like kissing grandpa except with

more coke and less tongue and that's how

I started a recycling program that

raised money for cancer and manatees at

the same time impressive Joe I don't

foresee any problem whatsoever with

making you a Beloit student now what

school will you be transferring from

barter College oh sorry

where are you transferring from barter

College mmm sorry and from which College

will you be transferring barter college

barter so that's okay

yeah why wouldn't it be oh no reason no

reason at all now I have a couple more

questions just a formality really first

have you ever been arrested I remember

this one time I was at a gas station

with my father and he had some change

and no first I went to the bathroom to

wash my hands but the only soap they had

was that powdery pink stuff that looks

like it tastes like bubble gum but it

doesn't would you get to the point

anyway I went outside and got a coke and

then this guy grabbed me and threw me in

the trunk of his car you got a Coke

where is it well I drank it like seven

years ago you are so selfish stop

telling me stop that already happened

you used to like it when I told you

stories when did I like that well there

was this one shut up you're driving me

crazy with your stupid stories that go

nowhere except to the annoyed part of my

brain well I don't know why I ever

started hanging out with you you're just

a big dumb obnoxious jackass no I'm

getting out of here before one of us

says something Hil

rad lookin kinky I heard you had a

jackass in here where is it I want to

pull its ears no one else will have me

fine I'll get my tuition back in school

myself I'll be the teacher and the

student I'll bring myself an apple I

like apples I'm sorry but we can't

refund your tuition why not

it's already been invested in campus

physical assets what does that mean we

bought a gumball machine you spent my

tuition on a gumball machine

not now don't say anything to you've

tried one of these babies

this isn't even a gumball it's a super

ball I'll say it's super I've been

working on the same one for three weeks

now you idiots

let's big metal mines got bloomers for

our head cozy dear boys that's crazy you

guys are hilarious

I'm refreshing now I won't have to

shower or drink for weeks

hey you don't even have to open them

that's even better

hahaha Oh barter you do have your charms

too bad I'll have to destroy you

you're so full of yourself and your coke

and your cherry coke and your diet coke

and your caffeine free diet coke well

you can keep your smug

self-righteousness and your Fanta thanks

to you I'm thirsty my head hurts and my

best friend thinks I'm a jerk how dare

you maybe you can intimidate a freshman

but if you think you could push me

around you're right

oh here go down to the shelter and get

some soup and a bath then put on that

slinky little red number I like and give

me a call vengeance is at hand

fire me will they

well I'll show them Morning Joe

Philip still thirsty yeah you wanna

share a coke sweet here let me try dude

I'm not walking away without a coke

let's just took the machine

no when I tried that it was a disaster

the thing's too heavy but this time

we'll try it together

you and me what do you say pal let's do

it

score dude I can't we're stuck don't

worry it's boring at first but you fall

asleep after a while hey del I'm cold

stop hogging the soda machine soon

barter college you will taste the

hellish inferno that is my wrath

stupid manual transmission Yuki will

taste the hellish inferno that is my

wrath who you walking at minivan well it

looks like this arms been injured before

it has well whoever fixed it did a

really shoddy job you did it look I love

to chat boys but I'm kind of late for

happy hour started 10 minutes ago so I'm

really gonna have to pound him down to

catch up with mom what about my elbow it

still bends the wrong way should we take

him to the hospital dr. Anderson nope I

can handle this where I went to med

school the only thing more common than

arrow wounds

we're hookers and I handle a lot of both

do you know how many cokes we could buy

if we got that back no me neither

let's grab it

goodbye barter

why change jar we got this back for you

you did that's the nicest thing anyone's

done for me possibly ever dude what's

with the truck are you moving out uh no

I've just been having a bad couple days

that's all you know would make you feel

better a coke pretty much all brown

liquids are good no wait a minute yeah

that's right

that sounds good what do you say we all

get one I'm buying Hey Joe can i honk

the horn no I hate that machine no I can

almost taste the coke mmm tasting like a

sugary miracle wait I have an idea

crap this one's even more shook up than

the first six crap crap crap crap a lot

more nonsense on the next three Sal do

something well I don't really have

jurisdiction here this is your floor

grow a spine take charge

loud daddy scares toddy loud daddy

scares toddy

you

the task is over

you