I used to love the nightlife and hang
out in a bar I used to hit the bottle
but then I hit a
[Applause]
to see me through the strife my attitude
[Music]
[Music]
I gotta go
[Music]
[Music]
I'm starving
nothing gives a man an appetite like
being wealthy just water for me
I ate like a horse yesterday an entire
piece of melba toast I must have gained
three ounces excellent the morning paper
hmm earthquakes an assassination nuclear
plant accident
let's give us something that matters oh
listen to this socialite candy
stuffington poses with an unnamed sickly
child what a crock last week it was
taffy Turnbull and those bratty Romanian
orphans the week before it was bunny
Hampton and I don't know some kind of
retards you can't truly be someone
without attaching your name to something
senseless and tragic of course it would
help you anything for you my twig you
could get an incurable disease and die
very dramatic
unfortunately I'm as healthy as a
nut-brown gelding I need my own charity
for something really vile and loathsome
unfortunately all the good diseases are
taken heart disease diabetes they were
snapped up years ago
some lucky [ __ ] had cancer for god
knows how long
well they're classics it they never go
out of style relax dear we'll find you a
disease well we've got it narrowed down
to chapped lips or prickly heat with all
the money we pay in taxes they can't
come up with a few new diseases for us
what is this country coming to I'm sure
one day you'll get your own tumor I need
to champion people so pathetic and
desperate they make your stomach churn
but where to find them
[Applause]
good morning neighbor I brought you a
little pie yummy what's in the box I'm
going to have a telethon to raise money
for poor unfortunate souls would you be
interested in helping you're talking to
the wrong head lady not interested now
if you don't mind you're blocking my
light it pays handsomely what I meant
was uh tell me more all you have to do
is be your usual pathetic worthless self
for a tidy $500 fee Kate tardy in 1000 K
do I look like a cheap [ __ ] to you five
grand
three thousand another 1000 if you can
deliver your crippled roommates I'll
tell you why next time you take a bath
leave the blinds open you disgust me
Hey i disgust me is it a deal it's a
deal
news my differently-abled chums
i rented a video that sure to make you
feel better about your own lives real
live scheduled to see you and your
friends til next week ever wonder what
it's like to be gored by a bull it's
just kind of last minute um I need your
help
you're reaching out to me this is a real
breakthrough wow I feel so close to you
then can I have a pair of your workout
shorts let's not start that again okay
okay okay um I've been thinking how
lucky I am sure I might not have limbs
or internal organs but I have a roof
over my head and friends who love me yes
you're a very lucky hat I want to help
those less fortunate than me I want to
give something back how commendable we
could gather up some old clothes or
there's a telephone for the shave the
[ __ ] foundation maybe if I appeared on
it we could raise some money that's a
wonderful idea
I know what if all the guys came on
Riley lefty Fontaine no I couldn't ask
them for some reason they don't trust me
besides I don't want them to see this
side of me the tender blazer nobody
knows
I suppose I could I mean you'll ask them
great and you're right let's not mention
that I came down here today I must say
you've got a big heart for a guy who
doesn't have one
thanks Debbie oh one last thing can i
watch you go to the bathroom
tougher than I thought it's dark I'm
paralyzed
and I don't know what I'm doing these
the copyright is all fixed cleaned up
and look who's here Debbie Golan a treat
to the old old factory me too
mine is don't ask it's inspiring the way
you help each other like fixing Franny's
car what if you could help people less
fortunate than yourselves where are we
gonna find people less fortunate than
ourselves
no no blessed a hundred years ago if I
lost my sight I'd still be blind uh who
wants to tell him he is still blind how
would you feel about appearing on a
telethon to help raise money and we get
to keep this money no your reward is the
satisfaction you'd be getting from
helping other people when did you start
smoking cr*ck I would but I'm just not
comfortable flaunting my hooks in front
of a television audience blazer hey you
know me mr. easygoing I'll do whatever
you guys say a good impression lefty
that sounded just like blazer
it was nice come on even Liz Bromberg is
donating her time consider it part of
your therapy pretty please with a cherry
on top okay okay we'll do it can we just
get back to work finally said if we give
her van
job give me one thank you gentlemen
you'll be glad
[Applause]
a touch more hairspray please the smell
of the greasepaint the roar of the crowd
neighbors come in so good to see you I'd
like to introduce you to some friends of
mine
candy taffy Veronica these are my
cripples this is boss [ __ ] old black
blind guy look hands and little head on
a skateboard you really found some
miserable specimens yes they're horrible
welcome five minutes people oh my the
show starting you can watch in your
dressing room I gotta go
our own dressing room Trey chic hey guys
what are you doing here we came to lend
our support look at this food escargot
provençale
[Music]
live it's the same the Gibbs telephone
with your host the triple sniffily and
Kim P even knows you are just a little
bit Limpy
help that's a great idea and send you
away so we don't have to see ya
pathetic hippie wretches
you
[Music]
yeah good evening folks tonight you'll
see the most maimed and most d*sfigured
human beings it's been my good fortune
to come across they'll tug at your
heartstrings and yank at your purse
strings giimpse come down look at them
folks aren't they something can you
understand me
can you understand you you can speak
wonderful this must be a real treat for
you getting out of the house for a
change actually we wanted to stay home
today we were at the beach yesterday I
got sand up my the beach Oh were you
evicted from your tiny one-room hovel
yes now we're forced to live in a 30
room mansion scrounging through
dumpsters for food I trained at the
cordon bleu I prepare most of our meals
high protein low fat that sounds
terrible we'll be hearing more from
these courageous losers later it's time
to Jack the jolly board so far we gray
four dollars well it's a start but now
the Kn*fe-throwing
[Music]
Valentino is down why aren't we raising
more money you hear those phones no
exactly your Stooges aren't very
convincing they're not hopeless enough
please as sick as a dog you ate a ton of
that escargot in our dressing room we
don't have any escargot here although we
did have a terrible snail problem get a
camera over here
get me an urgent development poor lefty
has collapsed we're not sure if he'll
pull through
till the end of the program let's listen
in nice work in there Lefty
want to talk about it these hopes Oh
it's extremely difficult to wipe with
these hugs it's difficult to wipe with
these hooks doesn't that make you think
folks oh come on people pick up those
phones give so lefty can what now how
about a little entertainment
well lefty washes his hooks
four-year-old Marquis Smith is going to
town
[Applause]
[Music]
listen to those phones people love that
heart-wrenching crap get your pals to
play it off I'll double what I'm paying
you music to my ears dog showing us the
way fellas we want to raise money for
this charity we gotta sell it the more
pitiful a better Fontaine go that extra
mile some wax bugs for your ears deaf
and blind has more oomph than just blind
Lefty try these prosthetic feet misery
means money
Chris slip into this and join us nothing
says send cash like a hunchback Thank
You Ryan don't even think about it okay
okay you could be our spokesman besides
what more could I do to you I told you
they'd be back folks and here they are
in all their wretched glories
so how are you really I'll level with
you we have no friends no money no food
we had a puppy it got run over by a lawn
mower we still find little bits of
scrappy all over the yard
the mob put a contract out of my life my
mother married a Republican and I have a
terrible case of a guy you know you're
only giving how much
Seaton's minions will pick out your eyes
and feast on your intestines that's much
better
now do you mind if I call you sightless
n*gro fellow what we're here to make
dreams come true how can we brighten
your sorry life I always dreamed of one
day working a video camera we could do
that can't we folks now that's what I
call blind
here it is just like I promised that
little cheating punk head bastard and
he's in this with that she-devil from
next door they put me in a hump I'm
going to fill at his house I'm going to
slit him open and crap in his ear flying
off the handle and getting all crazies
no way to deal with this we need a plan
to really make him suffer
[Music]
[Applause]
now folks a little surprise a special
presentation to the chairwoman of the
[ __ ] foundation mrs. les Bromberg a
presentation to me I'm being honored oh
she's good stock yeah we have to do
something about that hairstyle you're
right she's a [ __ ] Oh mrs. beef we want
to thank you for all you've done and
present you with this it's gratifying to
lend a hand to these poor helpless
useless creatures i spoon feed them and
keep their spirits up by reading
passages from the Bible and the camera'
Sutra I do what I can are you being too
modest
she also bathes us even strips down on
the buff and climbs right into the tub
well now I don't know about sometimes
she washes us in those musty nether
regions yo girl learn is true what they
say about us brothers in the size
department right Lizzie now just a
moment she changes our diapers
even the really stinky ones look under
her fingernails I'll bet you'll see a
little bit of poop but she wipes my bum
with love I knew it so it's true what
they say about the brothers
know you'll peer you little weasel but
first they get a dream I
ladies this is a terrible
misunderstanding I think we understand
perfectly
Oh blazer I'm with you sister
let's get that big gorilla
[Applause]
the hair seems to be a minor disturbance
backstage this might be a good time to
do another song don't you ever shut up
I'm a TV host
[Music]
but you devil
time to shut this thing down
[Music]
oh my I'm getting aroused you've always
been a troublemaker I should have done
this years ago
[Music]
[Applause]
hey get you surprisingly the telethon
brouhaha had an unexpected effect
viewers mesmerised by the brawl pledged
staggering amounts to show their
appreciation in all some three hundred
thousand dollars was raised it should be
our money additionally over four hundred
thousand dollars damage was done
what hell it's for a good cause now the
world wants to know what has happened to
these fighting giimpse attempts to
contact them have been unsuccessful but
our nose for news team is hot on the
trail you're going to have to see them
sometime laser they'll k*ll me it's your
decision
stay here as long as you'd like you can
room with God maybe they'll let me
explain what that you betrayed them lied
and cheated them out of their money yeah
that's pretty much it I just well well
look who's back I'm sorry fellas I've
been a bad laser don't trust the sneaky
little skull maybe the little rascal
learned his lesson let's say we give him
another chance ask me in a couple of
years 14 I'll never hide your cane again
or saw it down an inch at a time every
day
sounds fair Lefty no more prank calls to
the police telling them you're selling
heroin to school kids I still have
nightmares about that jail cell and
Riley dear sweet Riley quit kissing my
ass I can't feel it anyway
I'm begging if I had a knee I'd be down
on it and if I could move my foot it
would be up where your ass used to be
you can sleep in the garage until you
earn your way back in thank you I
promise I've changed
Liz you can't keep punishing yourself
like this it's okay even the hundred
thousand in damages we're liable for hey
what now look who's out the front our
viewers want more [ __ ] wrestling
apparently our theatrical debut struck a
nerve with the viewers we will never
stoop to wrestling on TV Bravo we will
not be exploited to satiate the
bloodlust of an uncaring public
I don't care squat about that but it
sounds like work and you know how I feel
about work it's time to put all this
behind us let the healing process begin
you might be right
let me handle this
[Music]
I just told them there was one person
who deserved all the credit Liz Bromberg
society's vomit volcano responsible for
a failed game Pathan
[Music]
[Applause]
[Applause]
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