08x24 - Voting rights in the United States

[bunniefuu]

Welcome, welcome,

Welcome to "last week tonight!"

I'm john oliver.

Thank you so much for joining

Us.

Just time for a quick recap of

The week, which saw world

Leaders gather for the u.n.

General assembly, major

Elections in germany and canada,

And "the view" thrown into chaos

After two of its hosts tested

Positive for covid mid-show,

Leading to this incredible

Moment.

I need the two of you to step

Off for a second.

Okay.

Ana and sunny have to leave.

And we're going to bring you

Back later.

And we'll tell you why...

More information later...

It's a tease.

We'll tell you why in a

Couple minutes.

So should I introduce the

Vice president?

Yes.

Okay, so, vice president.

No!

No?

No.

Okay.

Wow.

That does not look great.

Filming a television show is

Basically like raising a

It's unpredictable,

Occasionally frustrating, and if

You ever find yourself having to

Scream "no," someone is about to

Walk into a deadly situation.

But the week's been dominated by

The events in del rio, texas,

Where thousands of migrants...

Mostly haitians... Attempting to

Cross the border were met with

This response.

Images surface of

Border patrol agents on

Horseback appearing to use their

Horse's reins like whips to

As one group tried to pass, an

Agent said this.

Hey, you use your women?

This is why your country is

sh*t!

Really?

You're gonna call "their"

Country sh*t?

Because they just got here, and

You're not making a great case

For this one.

So far, 100% of their experience

In america has involved a

Belligerent man dressed as a

Party city park ranger screaming

At them on horseback.

And when asked to respond to

Those images, the biden

Administration fell back on one

Of their greatest hits.

What did the president say?

How did he feel when he saw

Them?

He also felt they were

Horrific and horrible.

I don't know anyone who could

Watch that video and not have

That emotion.

I think it's important for

People to know, this is not who

We are.

That's not who the biden-harris

Administration is.

Well, hold on.

'Cause saying "this is not who

We are" about white people

Chasing black people on horses

Is a bit of a stretch.

Historically, we've been

Yes-and-ing that idea since



If you listed the top three

Things that make america

America, it'd be regional

Sandwich differences, flyovers

At halftime, and white people

Chasing black people while on

Horseback.

I'm not saying that's what made

America great.

Just what made america america.

As for "this is not who

The biden-harris administration

Is"... Are you absolutely sure

About that?

'Cause from an immigration

Standpoint, there's not a ton of

Evidence that you are anything

Else yet.

This administration's record on

Immigration, particularly on the

Southern border, has been deeply

Underwhelming.

And this week, they've been all

Over the map.

'Cause while many haitians were

Released into the u.s., We also

Sent thousands back to a nation

That's recently suffered an

Earthquake and a presidential

Assassination with no clear

Rationale for how those

Decisions were made.

And it's not great when our

Process for deciding who gets

Released and who gets expelled

Is as haphazard as the process

For finding the new host of

"Jeopardy!"

And by the way, great job so

Far, guys.

You dodged giving that dude the

Job permanently, and right now

We've got someone absolutely

Free of controversy,

Mayim bialik, a person I think

Is great because I don't have

Google.

And the reason we've been able

To expel over 2,000 haitians so

Quickly is the biden

Administration is using one of

Tr*mp's most infamous

Immigration policies, title 42,

A bullshit move that lets you

Turn away asylum seekers under

The guise of public health.

It is such bullshit, a federal

Judge in washington said its use

In this manner is likely

Illegal.

So it is no wonder the special

Envoy for haiti, daniel foote,

Resigned this week, refusing to

Be associated with what the

Biden administration was doing.

And it is hard to blame him when

You consider what some of these

People have gone through...

Not just in order to get here,

But in the process of being

Expelled.

Just listen to this man, who was

Put on a plane back to haiti,

Describing how he was treated.

They chained us like animals.

They chained our hands, feet,

And waist.

Once we arrived, they made us

Stay inside the plane until they

Unchained us so the journalists

Wouldn't see what they did.

That is despicable.

And just as an aside, I would

Love to know who made the pr

Judgment that showing haitians

In chains was unacceptable but

Charging them on horseback was

A-ok.

'Cause that person clearly

Knowsthey're going to hell, but

I'm not sure they grasp just how

Deep.

It feels that the biden

Administration is far more

Focused on "seeming" better when

It comes to immigration than

Actually "being" better.

Something driven further home

When, just days after her "this

Is not who we are" comment,

Jen psaki once again said the

Images from del rio were deeply

Troubling to the president and

Unveiled this big policy move.

The secretary also conveyed

To civil rights leaders earlier

This morning that we would no

Longer be using horses in

Del rio.

So that is something, a policy

Change that has been made in

Response.

Hold on.

Are you implying it was all the

Horsies' fault?

Because, if I may quote myself

After watching burberry's recent

If you're only focusing on

The horses, you're missing a

Lot.

I'm not gonna say anything about

It.

I promised him that this joke

Was finished.

But I can think about it and ask

You to look right in my eyes

While I do that.

Look, the biden administration

Promised a big shift when it

Comes to how we treat migrants

At the border, but eight months

In, where is it?

All of this is emblematic of a

Larger confusion, with one

White house official even

Saying, "I don't

Know what our immigration

Strategy is at all."

But we badly need one, and soon.

Because we're currently sending

Vulnerable people back into

Harm's way.

And it's past time for this

Administration to stop simply

Telling people who we are, and

Start f*cking showing them.

And now this.

And now, local

News anchors announce the

Changing of the seasons the only

Way they know how.

Well, today is the first day

Of fall.

I'm sorry, that's not how you

Are usually set at.

It's fall.

It is fall, y'all.

Happy fall.

It's fall, y'all.

It's fall, it y'all.

I just want to say, happy

Fall, y'all.

It's the first day of fall,

Y'all.

First day of fall, y'all.

It is the first day of fall,

Y'all.

The brand-new day, we should

Say gourd morning to you.

We have a couple of other

Headlines for you.

I'm really proud of this first

One.

Let me show you.

Here it is.

Whether headlines.

Happy fall, y'all.

Although summer and leafing.

That's good.

I'm really proud of that one.

Moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns

Voting.

It's the subject of countless

Election psas, which are always

The same... Celebrities

Essentially begging you to

Vote... But in 1988, there was a

Strikingly different one.

All I'm going to say about this

Is, there is a surprise at the

End and also at the beginning.



Constitution of the

United states suggested a very

Simple way to keep fools like

These out of our government.

A reminder from members only.

Holy sh*t!

What are you doing, members

Only?

That's a bold move, putting your

Name so close to h*tler.

Although, I will say, it

Actually fits pretty well,

Considering "members only" would

Have been a perfect slogan for

The nazis.

But I want to talk about voting

Because, as you undoubtedly

Know, the latest att*ck on

Voting rights in america is well

Underway.

A new report from

The brennan center shows that

Between january and july, these



Restrict voter access.

They include crackdowns on

Mail-in and early voting,

Harsher voter i.d. Requirements,

And voter roll purges.

Yeah, it's true, all

Those states are trying to make

It harder for people to vote,

And if anyone is surprised to

See new hampshire up there, let

Me remind you:

It's a state that's



Governor and no adult seatbelt

Law.

Sure, they present themselves as

Charming, but they're basically

Florida with foliage.

That is it.

And some of the biggest

att*cks on voting rights have

Been concentrated in the

Closest states in last year's

Election, especially these

Three, where biden's combined

Margin of victory was less than



If they'd gone the other way,

Tr*mp would still be president

Right now, meaning covid would

Be even worse, we'd be at w*r

With... I don't know, let's say

Luxembourg... And we'd all be

Living under

Attorney general my pillow guy.

I know things are bleak right

Now, but depressingly, it's

Important to remember:

This is technically

The better timeline.

And I know that those pushing

These bills claim critics are

Completely distorting what's

Inside them, and any objections

Could be cleared up with a

I would encourage people to

Actually read the bill, find out

What the facts are.

It's time to take

A chill pill, folks.

It's time to read the bill.

Read the bill.

There is no voter suppression.

Read the bill and show me one

Person who's eligible to vote

That will not be able to vote.

You can't find it.

It's a lie.

It's just not there.

All right, well, if

That is your criteria, you

Obviously win.

Of course no one is going to

Find a bill that literally says

"This specific person shouldn't

Be allowed to vote."

Even though we all know there

Is someone who shouldn't be

Allowed to vote, and it's this

Guy.

His name is brandon caruso.

His favorite pizza topping is

"No sauce," his favorite season

Of "the wire" is "I haven't

Watched it yet," and his list of

Celebrities he'd have sex with

Outside of marriage is,

Exclusively, five times,

The wheel from

"Wheel of fortune."

Not vanna.

Not pat.

The wheel.

Five times.

One, two, three, four, five.

Brandon.

But the thing is, if you do

Actually read these bills, you

Quickly find they absolutely

Make it harder to vote... And

Particularly for certain people.

So tonight, we thought we'd take

A look at the att*ck on voting

Rights and how best to fight it.

And let's start with what's in

These bills, because it's a lot.

For instance, in texas... Where,

Remember, that guy claimed you

Can't find a single instance of

Voter suppression... One thing

Their bill does is roll back a

Lot of the innovative measures

Put in place during the pandemic

That made voting more

Accessible.

Among other things, it gets rid

Of 24-hour and drive-through

Voting, both methods harris

County implemented last year.

And as the county clerk who

Oversaw that election points

Out, when you look at the

Precincts where those methods

Were most popular, it's clear

The harm is pretty targeted.

Why are we taking 24-hour

Voting away?

Because 56% of voters in

November who used 24-hour voting

Were people of color.

And they know that.

Why are we taking drive-through

Voting away?

Because 53% of those voters in



Yeah, it's pretty

Obvious who you're targeting

There.

They might as well say,

"You can't arrive at a polling

Place exhibiting a face in the

Fenty 300s or higher."

Sure, you're not "saying" people

Of color, but we all know what

The f*ck is happening.

And it's not just drive-through

Voting... Texas, and all these

Other states, have added new

Barriers to voting by mail,

Coincidentally, just a year

After elections in which the

Percentage of black people who

Voted by mail surged past

White voters.

Meanwhile, all these states have

Put harsher voter i.d.

Requirements in place, even

Though federal court cases found

Black and latino voters in

States with harsh laws

Disproportionately lacked access

To the type of photo ids

Required to vote.

So already, when you do read

These bills, you find some sh*t

In plain view.

It's like a second grader

Playing hide and seek.

You're bigger than the coffee

Table, bud.

I can see your feet, hands,

Full face, and you're giggling

Very loudly.

You didn't do a good job at

Hiding.

And some of those pushing these

Bills... Like this state

Representative from georgia...

Even argue that, if a law does

Make it harder to vote, that's

Not necessarily a bad thing.

I do believe that voting in

This country is a privilege

And...

It's a right.

And it's a right as well.

But it ought to mean enough

Where you can put forth a little

Bit of effort in trying to cast

Your ballot.

Okay, except something

Can't be a right and a privilege

That you need to work for.

Because those are two completely

Different things... For

Instance, it's a

Right for brandon caruso to

Imagine what hot, tawdry sex

With the wheel of fortune would

Be like.

To imagine climbing on top of it

And taking her all in.

To think about the crowd

Watching him... Yeah, that's

Right, the studio audience is

There, and they're rooting for

Him.

Because he did it.

Brandon finally did it.

He's finally f*cking the wheel.

Imagining how good that'd feel

Is brandon's right.

But actually getting to grab

Those pegs and give the wheel a

Spin?

That is a privilege that should

Take years of effort.

And look, none of this is

Anything new.

Republicans have been pushing

Restrictive voting laws for

Years.

Back in 2013, north carolina

Crafted a law that made it so

The only acceptable forms of

Voter i.d. Were the ones

Disproportionately used by white

People, in a bill a federal

Appeals court later said

Targeted "african-american

Voters with almost surgical

Precision."

Which has to be the second-worst

Context in which to hear that

Phrase, topped only by

"Surgery."

"Look, ma'am, your husband's

Surgery was...

We got in there with 'almost'

Surgical precision.

My team's not a hundred percent

Yet, but we were really close on

This one."

And frequently, these laws have

Been helped along by well-funded

Groups like the heritage

Foundation, whose co-founder,

Paul weyrich, famously admitted,

"I don't want everybody to

Vote," and whose former

President, jim demint, once

Approvingly said, "in the states

Where they do have voter i.d.

Laws, you've actually seen

Elections begin to change

Towards more conservative

Candidates."

Pretty much giving the game

Away.

And heritage is very much still

At it.

Just this year, the executive

Director of their sister

Organization, heritage action,

Actually bragged about their

Role in pushing this year's new

Bills.

We are working with state

Legislators to make sure they

Have all the information they

Need to draft the bills.

In some cases we draft them for

Them.

They have been huge victories

Sending bills on march 8th.

Little fanfare, honestly, nobody

Even noticed.

My team looked at each other and

We were like, it can't be that

Easy.

It can't be that easy.

Hold on there,

Tj maxx ivanka Tr*mp.

Because anyone saying "it can't

Be that easy" to do anything

Other than sneaking their own

Snacks into the movies

Absolutely must be stopped.

The point here is, this has been

A concerted, organized effort

Over many years.

But the reason it now has a much

Higher chance of working has to

Do with a pair of supreme court

Decisions that gutted the

Landmark 1965 voting rights act,

Which prohibited racial

Discrimination in voting.

The first decision...

Shelby county vs. Holder...

Basically released these areas,

Which had a prior history of

Discriminatory voting laws, from

Having to run any new ones past

The federal government first

Before they took effect.

And the second...

Brnovich vs. Dnc... Essentially

Found that even if a voting

Restriction has a discriminatory

Impact, that in itself doesn't

Necessarily violate the voting

Rights act.

Those two decisions basically

Made it easier for some states

To pass discriminatory laws,

While at the same time, making

It much harder for anyone to

Challenge them.

And given that one of the

Dwindling ways you can still

Successfully sue under the vra

Is by demonstrating a bill is

Racially motivated, it's hardly

Surprising that those passing

These new laws have been quick

To shut down any discussion of

Their racial impact.

In fact, in texas, in the midst

Of debating their new bill,

There was this incredible

Members, this is a reminder

To everyone to be civil and

Respectful to our colleagues as

We debate sb-1.

The chair would appreciate

Members not using the word

"Racism" this afternoon.

Look, look, if the word

You don't want people to use is

"Racism," I hate to break it to

You, but you're doing a racism.

Someone might've told you that

Sooner, but in fairness, you

Told them they're not allowed.

A constant theme in debates over

These bills is black-elected

Officials pointing out their

Impact and their white

Colleagues telling them to be

Quiet.

In arizona, back in april, they

Were debating a bill that makes

It hard for many voters to

Receive an early ballot in the

Mail.

But watch what happened when one

Lawmaker started pointing out

The disproportionate impacts

That would have.

The effect of this bill will

Make it harder for independent

Voters, seniors, native

Americans, black, brown, and

Low-income people to vote.

To each of you...

Point of order.

In 2022...

Point of order.

I have 12 words for you.

Point of order.

Show up...

Point of order.

Show out...

Point of order.

And vote.

Okay, you should never

Shout someone down when they

Only want to say 12 words,

Unless, of course, those 12

Words are, "his testicles became

Swollen.

His friend was weeks away from

Getting married."

And look, and look, I know, that

Obviously doesn't look good.

But wait until you see that

Man's colleague read from the

Rule book to explain his

"Point of order."

In accordance with rule 19a,

No member shall be permitted to

Indulge in personalities, use

Language personally offensive,

Arraign motives of members,

Charge deliberate

Misrepresentation, or use

Language tending to hold a

Member of the house or senate up

To contempt.

And I feel personally that

Motives were arraigned of

Members, including myself, with

Regards to colored people, black

People, whatever people this

Individual wants to single out

In their ability to vote.

And I don't think it's correct

And I think he should be sat

Down and he shouldn't be allowed

To speak.

Oh, f*ck all the way

Off.

I don't care what the situation

Is.

The second someone starts

Reading you the rules from a

Weird, tiny book, they can just

f*ck right off into the sun.

Also, for the record, if you say

The words "colored people" and

It's not immediately preceded by

"National association for the

Advancement of," you are

Officially in time-out.

But republicans cannot just

Claim they're not being r*cist

In pushing these bills... They

Do still need a reason for them.

So what, exactly, is that

Reason?

Well, for years, they claimed

There was an epidemic of voter

Fraud, despite the fact actual

Instances of that are incredibly

Rare.

So they've now shifted their

Justification from something

Measurable... What people are

Doing... To something much less

Tangible... What they're

Feeling.

Just listen to the lieutenant

Governor of texas making that

Exact pitch.

I've been asked why this bill

Is needed.

Very simple.

The bill is needed because

Americans no longer trust the

System.

And a country where voters do

Not trust the system is a

Country in peril.

Yeah, okay, but you

Still need a reason to legislate

Against something.

You can't just do it based on a

Feeling.

If that were the case, I'd

Propose a bill to outlaw

Tilda swinton.

Why?

Too creepy.

She looks like a ghost who knows

Exactly how and when you'll die

But won't tell you because it's

More fun for her that way.

But I will say, despite the fact

State and local officials found

The last election to be

"The most secure in american

History," the truth is, many

Republicans don't trust the

System.

But the reason for that might be

That people like dan patrick

Spent all last year calling

Voting by mail a scam by

Democrats to steal the election,

And saying sh*t like this:

Look, when you have an

Opportunity to steal a vote, the

Democrats will take advantage of

It.

And you can swing the ballots

Easily, ed.

I could give you ten scenarios,

But I won't, because I don't

Want to give anyone ideas how

You can easily steal thousands

Of votes.

Oh, come on, dan.

"I can give you ten scenarios,

But I won't" is such an obvious

Lie.

It's up there with

"I have a girlfriend, she goes

To a different school, you

Wouldn't know her",

Or "I'm five

Minutes away!" Or "I've never
sexually fantasized about lobsters."

We've all done that.
It's natural.

They're stoic and terrifying,
the perfect sexual combination.

What are we looking for if not
someone who knows what they want

And also hates you? That's lobsters,
buddy! We want their claws pinching our

Earlobes. Not too
hard, but honestly? Hard.

Like when the dentist says
"does this hurt?" And you say

"No" but you mean "yes" because
you're kind of curious what this

Dentist can do when pushed.
Do you know how many legs a

Lobster has?

I'll tell you:

A sex amount.

Bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk.

Bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk.

That many.

f*ck me stupid,

You weaponized ocean bitch.

Here is four hit reasons why it

Would be cool to f*ck an

Adult-sized lobster on holiday:

They live a long time, meaning

They know what they're doing;

Their backs are incredibly

Strong and responsive...

I shouldn't have to explain why

That's good sexually;

They're incapable of racism;

And they can't talk and

Ruin the mood.

We ask "is this good?"

And they just sort of wobble

Their horrible black eyes

Around.

My point here is, we all think

About having sex with burdened,

Unhappy lobsters all the time,

Even in winter, and that's

Why we shouldn't listen to

Dan patrick or, honestly,

Whoever it was I was talking

About earlier.

I don't remember.

But here's the thing:

There's a reason patrick can

Give you ten scenarios for

Democrats stealing elections,

But no evidence, and that's

Because... Despite saying he'd

Pay up to a million dollars for

Evidence of voter fraud...

He has, to put it mildly, not

Paid out.

And local election supervisors

Themselves will tell you these

Bills make no sense.

The florida supervisors of

Elections strongly opposed their

State's new bill, with one

Republican supervisor telling a

Reporter, "it's stupid, okay?

It was a solution looking for a

Problem."

But it's actually one step worse

Than that.

Because these are solutions to

Problems that have been

Deliberately and strategically

Manufactured.

The game's pretty obvious:

Use bullshit claims to stir up

Baseless fear to pass

Unnecessary restrictions
targeting particular groups.

Just look at what happened this

Week.

The nonsense "audit" in arizona

Come to a humiliating conclusion
that failed to show, yet again,

That Tr*mp was cheated of
victory... But its organizers

Still recommended the
legislature tighten up the

Election process to provide
additional certainty going

Forward.

Because of course they f*cking

Did.

It's all a shameless attempt to

Get to the same place.

So what can we do to fight all

This?

The good news is, there's

Proposed legislation that

Addresses many of the problems

You've seen tonight.

The john lewis voting rights
advancement act would restore

Parts of the vra the supreme
court gutted.

And more substantially, there's
the freedom to vote act, which

Would, among other things, make

Voting by mail available for

Every voter, make election day a

Public holiday, and make

a*t*matic voter registration a

National standard.

Unfortunately, mitch

Mcconnell's announced he'll

Filibuster any attempts to get

Either of those acts passed.

So if we want to protect the
ballot... Which we absolutely

Should... We need to end the
filibuster.

And you'd hope every national

Democratic politician would be

Screaming about this, but some

Are doing the opposite.

Joe manchin's consistently

Defended the filibuster.

And when joe biden was asked if

He supports doing away with it

To specifically protect

Voting rights, this

Was his maddening answer.

What I don't want to do is

Get wrapped up, right now, in

The argument of whether or not

This is all about the filibuster

Or... Look, the american public,

You can't stop them from voting.

You tried last time.

More people voted last time than

Any time in american history.

In the middle of the worst

Pandemic in american history.

More people did.

And they showed up.

They're going to show up again.

They're going to do it again.

Sure, joe.

Maybe.

Or maybe they'll show up and get

Turned away, because of

Everything we've been talking

About.

Biden's white house even

Reportedly told voting rights

Groups that it's possible to

Outorganize voter suppression.

But the problem is, it isn't.

It just isn't.

That's what voter suppression

Is, as activists and actual

Organizers will tell you:

I'm very upset with

President biden because I feel

Like he's not advocating for us

In this moment.

What I want him to see is...

Is to stop saying to outorganize

Voter suppression.

I want him to support the

Elimination of the filibuster.

I want him to support and

Endorse the for the people act

Because he needs to step up...

Step up to the plate.

We are at a... At a crossroads.
We need federal assistance

Immediately.
If he's incapable of that, he

Needs to be quiet and go.

Yeah, he's right.

The solution to being blocked

From voting can't be to

"Just vote" for the same reason

That the solution to being

Locked out of your home can't be

To tell someone "just go inside

And get the keys."

What the f*ck are you talking

About?

I'm locked out.

How are you not understanding

This situation?

All of this is to say to joes

Biden, manchin, and any other

Joe who wants to skip doing

Anything significant and instead

Rely on the perseverance of the

Stop f*cking

Around and fix this.

I know it's tempting to bang the

Optimistic drum that more

Americans showed up last year

Than ever before, and by gum,

They'll do it again, but here's

The republicans know

That might happen... That's why

They're doing this.

And anyone unwilling to do what

It takes to actually tackle this

Problem should... And I can't

Believe I'm going to borrow this

Quote... Really be sat down and

Not allowed to speak.

And now this.

And now, the
utterly spectacular dramatic

Pauses of espn's

Stephen a. Smith.
I'm going to tell you the

Winners and losers...

For this summer already...

Houston, you have a problem.

Speaking of problems...

I'm pretty ticked off!

Oh, and my ticked!

Put it mildly, I am having a

Very bad day!

I am in no mood!

So what happens?

Not one, not one, not one!

It's not bad.

Not bad.

I'll tell you something...

Melo is gone!

Moving on.

Before we go tonight, a quick

Word about the outdoors.

It's home to lakes, trees, and

The candy witch who lures

Children to their doom.

It's great!
Specifically, I want to talk

About one way to conserve the
precious nature the outdoors

Contains, and that is duck stamps.
If you've never heard of them,

I'll let this charmingly stilted



The majority of stamps are

Sold to waterfowl hunters who,
by law, must have a federal

Duck stamp in their possession

While hunting.

Increasingly others, young

And old, are voluntarily buying

Federal duck stamps as an

Effective, direct way to help

Conserve our nation's waterfowl

And other wildlife.

Now, I know that looks
sweet, but what you didn't see

There is the screaming that
happened as soon as those two

Kids got home.
"What are these?

Duck stamps?
I sent you to the store for

Medicine!
Listen to me, your sister is

About to die because you keep

Spending all her insulin money

On bird stickers!"

Every year, the

Federal government issues a

Duck stamp, which isn't a
postage stamp, but is

Effectively a kind of permit for
hunters.

They currently cost $25, and

They've actually been a huge

Success story for conservation,

With 98 cents of every dollar

That they make going to

Preserving wetlands.

Since 1934, the stamps have

Raised more than a billion

Dollars to protect over



Habitat.

And that's partly because

Non-hunters like to collect them
too.

And you can see why.

There've been some beauties in

The past, like this 1960s stamp

Featuring a family of redhead

Ducks, this 1980s one

Showcasing a majestic

Snow goose, and this mottled

Duck from the 2000s who is

Absolutely ripped.

Check out the definition on that

Back.

Quick question, does this stamp

Come with moo shu pancakes?

'Cause that duck is shredded.

But the best thing about the

Duck stamp is how each year's is

Chosen... Because it's an

Annual, nationwide art

Competition.

And the judging of it is no

Joke.

The judges independently vote

On each entry.

They consider not only the

Visual impact of the art and how

It might look as a stamp but

Also whether it is anatomically

Accurate.

Ducks must

Not only be beautiful, but

Anatomically accurate.

An especially fun requirement,

Given that you're painting an

Animal that has... As we've

Mentioned on this show before...

A long, corkscrew-shaped penis.

It's a fact that drove us to

Create this image of donald duck

That... As of taping... Disney

Had not yet sued us over.

And once you start looking into

The duck stamp contest, it's not

Long before you find some drama.

There are big names, like the

Hautman brothers, an actual

Duck dynasty who, going into

This year's competition, had

Collectively won it 13 times.

They are truly the duck

G.o.a.t.s.

And there's also been a heated

Rivalry between one of the

Regular, traditional duck

Artists, tim taylor, and his

More avant-garde rival,

Rob mcbroom, who tim taylor has

No time for.

Rob mcbroom is a guy who

Enters the duck stamp every

Year.

And every year, he violates the

Rules, he breaks every rule of

The contest, and he's really

Just an attention seeker.

He's found this contest that

People take very seriously and

The contestants work really hard

On the entries and he mocks it.

He does paintings that mock it.

Yeah, to be fair,

He does kind of do that.

He's submitted paintings to

Federal and state contests that

Clearly go against the desired

Aesthetic, like this one of two

Cartoonish ducks, and whatever

The f*ck this is.

Also, rob mcbroom is very much

Aware of tim taylor's criticism

And trolled him for years, even

Taking previous taylor paintings

And parodying them.

This is about as close as you

Can get to tim's original

Without actually knowing the

Size, and it's completely built

From scratch.

This is the piece of work

That rob mcbroom took off of the

Internet to "abstract."

The little bits I've learned

About him, I'm like, okay, he

Obviously hates barack obama,

And he hates communism.

So I decided to load it up with

Imagery with that.

Here is barack obama's birth

Certificate that he released.

Here's the eye of the duck,

Which is the communist symbol.

There's other things in here,
like he was holding a baby at a

Christening.

And then I put lenin's head on

Top of it.

Wow, that is petty.

Honestly, if I were tim, I'd

Back off at this point.

Because if this man made a

Communist duck out of your

Personal photographs, just think

What else he's capable of.

"Here's another one, tim!

The feathers are made out of

Bank statements I fished from

Your trash, and the beak is from

A photo of you I took while you

Were sleeping.

But by all means, keep talking

sh*t."

The point here is, the duck

Stamp competition is intense.

Last year, there were some

Incredible entries, like this

One of a duck somehow tripping

In midair, and this one, which

I would argue is actually

A dog stamp.

A dog on his way to

A leather bar while a duck

Happened to be passing.

I'm not saying that as a

Criticism.

I'm just saying, that's what it

Is.

But the overall winner was this

Objectively wonderful, very

Anatomically accurate painting

Of a lesser scaup drake by

Artist richard clifton.

And hiding the duck's coil-y

d*ck underwater was a very smart

Movie, richie.

You can't see it, but you know

It's down there swirling away.

That

Duck call in the corner is only

There because, under the Tr*mp

Administration, there was

Suddenly a rule that all entries

Had to feature hunting imagery,

Which many people didn't like.

Thankfully, that rule will be

Gone next year, which is good,

Because potentially driving

People away from the duck stamp

Is a terrible idea.

Stamp sales are already down,

And as you now know, that means

Less money for conservation.

What clearly needs to happen is

For more people to be driven to

Collecting these things.

And for that to work, you really

Need this year's winner to be an

Absolute doozy.

And that is where we come in.

Because the fact is, anyone can

Enter this contest.

And I'm happy to announce that,

This year, this anyone did.

We commissioned a painter to

Create this gorgeous oil

Painting of a blue-winged teal

Flying in the nintendo game

"Duck hunt," meeting their

Ridiculous hunting requirement.

This is a real painting that

Took months of work.

But I'm sorry to say, it was

Disqualified because of, and I

Quote, "the rule against having

Any numbers or lettering on the

Entry."

Which is a ridiculous

Requirement.

It's like if they said, "no duck

Stamp is allowed to feature cans

Of spaghettios or paul sorvino."

What happened in past contests

That prompted that regulation?

So that is the bad news.

The good news is, we actually

Had a second entry.

Specifically, this painting of

Ducks judging the duck stamp art

Contest.

Unfortunately, we fell victim to

The same bullshit number rule,

And this was disqualified too.

So you can probably imagine just

How relieved we were to suddenly

Remember that we'd actually

Entered three other paintings,

All of which, I'm happy to say,

Did qualify for this weekend's

Contest.

So let's take a look at them.

First, there's this one of a

Redhead duck hunting a hunter

Hunting another duck.

Hold the ominous, quietly

Maniacal look in that duck's eye

As he's about to pull the

Trigger.

It's a haunting yet triumphant

Image.

So let's see if the duck stamp

Judges liked it:

Please vote.

It's out.

Are you f*cking

Kidding me?

Not one of you judges voted for

That?

Ridiculous.

Just ridiculous.

All five of you should be

Ashamed of yourselves.

But you know what?

Fine.

Because remember, we still had

Two others.

Next up was this entry,

"Duck with a pearl earring."

Which I would argue is

Exquisite.

It makes the original vermeer

Look like a complete pile of

sh*t.

That girl doesn't even have any

Feathers.

Or a beak for that matter.

What a waste of paint.

So surely, surely, the judges

Loved this one.

Please vote.

It's out.

Oh, come on!

These judges are f*cking clowns.

They don't know sh*t about art,

They don't know sh*t about

Ducks, and they certainly don't

Know sh*t about duck art.

And, look, I'm not alone in

Being shocked by this.

The people watching the

Contest's livestream were very

Into this entry, writing

"Gorgeous.

Perfect.

Stunning."

"Y-a-a-aaas."

And "I want that on my wall."

And of course they do.

What cultured duck art lover

Would not want that?

So at this point, we were

Getting a bit nervous.

Luckily, our final painting was

Guaranteed to blow everyone

Away.

Because it is this masterpiece

Depicting a giant duck brokering

Peace between longtime duck art

Rivals tim taylor and

Rob mcbroom.

No one in their right mind

Wouldn't put this through, at

Least to the second round.

Right?

So judges, it's over to you.

Please vote.

It's out.

f*ck yourselves

Straight to hell!

I'm sorry, the federal duck

Stamp contest just lost all of

Its integrity.

Although, I admit, the judges

Weren't the only ones who didn't

Care for it.

Tim taylor himself actually

Replied to that painting in the

Chat with, "I don't know why

Anyone painted that."

Really, tim?

You don't?

I know why someone would paint

That.

It's because, one, we paid them

To, and two, it's f*cking

Awesome.

That's why.

So sadly, none of our entries

Made it past the first round of

Voting, and eventually, the

Prize went to this entry:

And now for the winner of the



With a painting of a redhead,

Mr. Jim hautman from chaska,

Minnesota.

This is his sixth win.

Get the f*ck o...

Y'know what, I have to say:

That is a beautiful duck

Painting.

I kind of get why the hautman

Brothers keep winning.

That said, I do still prefer our

"Duck hunt" one.

It's funnier and better and

Would have been a cooler stamp.

But look, I'm obviously

Disappointed that we not only

Didn't win the duck stamp art

Contest, we didn't even get a

Single vote from any judge,

Al though I think that says more

About them than it does about

Our paintings.

Because if any of ours had won,

They could've helped raise a

Bunch of money for a very good

Cause.

And the good news is, they

Actually still can.

Please come with me.

Because I'm proud to say that

We've decided to auction

Off each of these absolute

Masterpieces with 100% of

Proceeds going to the federal

Duck stamp program.

And you know what that means?

That means you... Yes, you!

Have the chance to hang any of

These originals in your own

Home.

You could get rid of your stupid

Family portrait and replace it

With something much, much

Better.

All you have to do is go to

Bestduckingstamps.com and

Bid on whichever piece speaks to

You the most.

You can bid until friday at



And I'm proud to say, ladies and

Gentlemen, the bidding starts

Now!

That is our show, thank you so

Much for watching,

We'll see you next week.

Good night!