05x01 - Don't Cry On Your Birthday

[bunniefuu]

[Lauren] Last season on "The Hills..."

Spencer always did exactly what he wanted.

This is how we wanted to have our wedding.

That's how you wanted to have your wedding.

We'll go to the courthouse and we'll make it legal.

Until he surprised everyone by putting someone else first.

[Spencer] We can't do this.

I just want to give you the wedding of your dreams

that you have been talking about now.

- For three years. - Really?

We'll do it the way you want. I'm sorry.

Heidi really tried to repair

our friendship, but I just couldn't go there

as long as she was with Spencer.

The only thing really missing in my life is you

and I don't think that's gonna change anytime.

It just is what it is. It's not always fair.

Now, it was my birthday, and Audrina and Lo

were planning a surprise party

but it was Heidi who was about to give me

the biggest surprise of all.

Ah, hey, you.

What's going on?

Not much.

Life is, like really relaxed right now.

'Except for school.'

I just started again, and

it's, like, this fabric class.

Is Lauren in that class with you?

'She wasn't there the first day'

so it was, like, really scary, it was, like being, like

in kindergarten and, like making new friends.

Isn't Lauren's birthday coming up?

Aw, best friend remembers!

Yeah, I remember her birthday.

What are you guys, are you gonna do anything for it?

Well, Lo is throwing a surprise party on a yacht.

- So are you gonna go? - Yeah, did you get an email?

- No. - Did you want to go?

I would think now that since like, Lauren and I have been

like, texting and talking and everything

that Audrina, or Lo would think to, like

invite me to it, but I guess not.

You can go with me, I mean...

I don't know, I don't want it to be, like weird and awkward.

I think you're fine.

One hundred percent.

♪ This is my house ♪

♪ And this is my street ♪

♪ This is my life you're looking in ♪

♪ This is my nightmare and these are my dreams ♪

♪ The cries and smiles is living in me ♪

♪ This is my house and these are my streets ♪

♪ These are my shoes that you're walking in ♪

♪ This is my nightmare and these are my dreams ♪

♪ The pain and the joy ♪

♪ That living it brings ♪♪

I'm excited for tonight.

So have you talked to Brody

or Frankie about the boat yet?

Frankie said, we just have to keep in contact with him.

[Lo] Okay. And Lauren?

- She has no idea. - I know.

She thinks it's girls' night.

- Hi. - Hi, how are you?

I had a cake for Bosworth, for pick-up.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- And Justin? - I didn't invite him.

- Even after the ring? - I'm just over it.

After the ring didn't mean anything.

I don't even know why he gave it to me.

'The only good moment we had was in Palm Springs'

like, there or whatever, that was the nicest

he had ever been and, like, sincere, you know?

No, I didn't invite him, it's Lauren's day...

- And I don't want any drama. - Um...

[Audrina] 'I didn't invite Heidi.'

I didn't invite her, either, lately she's been, like

texting her and calling her a lot.

I just feel, like, Heidi's gonna do whatever it takes

to be Lauren's friend, like, she's not gonna give up.

If somebody's turned you down so many times

wouldn't you at some point be, like

"I'm gonna go make new friends?"

- Yeah. - I don't know.

I just don't understand.

[rock music]

♪ Sweet love slow it down take a chance ♪

♪ You know with our love ♪

♪ Our love out of sight ♪

♪ I don't care I don't mind ♪

♪ I don't need this where I'm sharing bottles ♪

♪ And you got in line ♪

Are you gonna do that while we're moving?

Watch it go through someone's window.

Aah!

I-I hold on to the-the cork.

- Really? I sh**t it. Poof! - 'Yeah, so do I.'

But then it, like, explodes everywhere.

- Yeah, but it's fun. - 'Yeah, it's more dramatic.'

- Yeah. Cheers. - Girls' night out!

♪ Tear up my city Tear up my city ♪♪

[Heidi] 'Do you think I should wear this tonight...'

...with these shoes?

[Stephanie] 'Oh, my gosh.'

I don't even know if this is, like, that fancy.

What if we're really dressed up?

Then there will be two surprises for them.

Do you think I'm gonna get thrown off the boat?

Did you tell Audrina or anything?

I didn't tell anyone.

Spencer.

I haven't told him yet.

What does he think we're doing?

I think he thinks we're going, like

to girls' night out or something.

I don't know. I didn't, I don't know what to say.

'I don't know. We'll see.'

"We'll see?" We have to...

[knock on door]

- 'Done changing?' - 'Yeah.'

So, uh, what other, uh...

ladies are going out with you?

It's kind of Stephanie's night that she arranged.

- I didn't arrange this. - Yes, you did.

You said , "Hey, come, have a girls' night out."

Who's coming? I don't know.

'Is Audrina gonna be there, maybe?'

- 'Lo?' - Mm-hmm.

So is, uh, the queen...

...biatch rollin', or what? LC?

I think she is gonna be there, yeah.

I've got my own guys' night to catch up...

Oh, excuse me. Where are you going?

[humming]

♪ You can be a rock and roll star ♪

♪ We get the pretty women and we get the fast car ♪

♪ Late night party right find out the bar ♪

♪ Hold 'em we should keep 'em ♪

♪ We should have it go on and on ♪♪

- Ow. - Okay.

Clearly, we have a little surprise for you.

Just trust us.

Okay, we're turning to the right a little bit.

And you're gonna step up. We're gonna start going down.

- A little bit, and then-- - Down.

Now, we're going down, okay?

Hey! Hey! She's here.

Everybody, shh.

- Get together. - Wait, are we over water?

- Definitely not. - No, no, no.

- Just keep walking. - We're just on a bridge.

It's no big deal.

Shh. Quiet!

Everybody!

- 'Okay.' - 'Audrina.'

[Audrina] 'Sorry. Ready?'

'Okay, ready?'

Shh. Everybody. Shh.

Surprise!

[laughter]

'Frankie!'

- 'Frankie, that was--' - Take it off now.

Happy birthday!

- 'Let's gamble.' - 'Let's gamble!'

♪ This is the time ♪

♪ To see you move it ♪

♪ Get loud get loud ♪

♪ Get loud get loud ♪

♪ Yeah now shake it ♪

♪ Girl slow that down before you break it ♪

♪ Break it earthquake it ♪

♪ About that time that I take it ♪♪

I saw that.

Blatant.

What do you think we should have some sh*ts of?

[female bartender] 'I'm gonna say Patron.'

- 'Patron it is.' - 'Whoo-hoo!'

You know, the last time I had tequila...

- I got married. - Oh.

'And did you know if you get married in Mexico'

'it's not legal?'

Yeah, it's a different country, right?

[Spencer] 'And it doesn't count.'

- Cheers. - That's what's up.

Ah ha ha ha!

I think this is gonna be a long night.

[Spencer] 'Whoo!'

[chuckles]

[hip-hop music]

♪ Oh-oh ♪♪

- Cheers, cheers to Lauren. - 'Happy birthday, Lauren.'

- I don't know it's really dark. - Uh-oh.

I hope we didn't miss the surprise.

Yes! Oh, Lauren got Blackjack.

Blackjack! Blackjack!

- 'Blackjack! Blackjack!' - 'Birthday girl.'

Blackjack!

Hi.

Happy birthday.

'I did.'

- Hi, happy birthday. - Thank you.

How are you?

- Worried. I'm really worried. - Worried?

[Stephanie] 'Do you think this is okay?'

If she's here, she's here.

So you know what I mean?

[Stephanie] 'I don't know, like, I totally understand'

she was not invited but she really wanted to come.

- 'Yeah.' - 'Hi.'

- Hiya, Lovie. - Hi, b-day girl.

- Having a good time? - Yeah. Good.

- So, fun question. - 'Yeah.'

Um...

Which one of you...

...invited Heidi?

- Lo? - I know Lo didn't.

I was just kind of being, like, nice.

[upbeat music]

♪ Party ♪

♪ Let's get started ♪

♪ Come on ♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

Do you think she's okay with me being here?

- It's fine. - It's okay?

It's fine, yeah. I promise.

It's a little scary, you know walking on a boat

by yourself, not knowing the...

[Stephanie] Do you want us to go?

Stephanie, we're in the middle of a harbor.

I know, I don't even know why I'm getting involved in this.

I just, like, want you to know that, like

she's her own person, aside from Spencer.

Like, that part that you do love about her.

Like, there's still that part in her.

- 'And I see that part, too.' - 'I get that.'

[Lauren] 'It is nothing against her.'

This is entirely about your brother.

It's not fair for me to be, like

"Hey, let's go back to being friends

but don't ever mention the person you're in love with."

That's not a fair friendship.

It's not fair in any way, but at this point

it's all she wants and all she's possible to have with you.

Lauren, like, you don't understand.

- What does she want from me? - She wants you...

- To be her friend again. - Sometimes...

...you just have people in your life

that you can't be friends with.

What did she say, that she was just

uncomfortable with me being here?

'I don't think that you'd want to hear that'

but, like, it would be horrible for you to leave.

Misguided or misled in any way. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's so frustrating

'cause there's nothing that I can do.

It's, like, I don't wanna not be with Spencer, but I don't want

to not be able to have her in my life because of Spencer.

At a certain point, though you need to move on

in a way that is best for you.

Yeah.

And, like, sometimes you have to cut your losses

and just be, like, "This is what it is."

Yeah.

I'm gonna go play a game.

[rock music]

- Here, you guys. - Thank you, dear.

- 'Appreciate it.' - Cheers.

Thank you.

That was my favorite sh*t in my whole life.

[Stacie] 'Whoo-hoo!'

'Stephanie's ex-boyfriend just walked in'

'and he's sitting behind us.'

That's my little sister's ex-boyfriend

Stacie, over there.

[Stacie] 'You don't like him?'

[Spencer] 'Oh, I'm gonna go say, "What's up?"'

Alright, do work.

[Spencer] 'What's up, homeboy?'

'Everybody enjoying the night?'

No, it's guys' night out.

Got my little chair.

I don't know, last I heard you two

were on the outs, and I haven't asked

and, you know, I, I assume it's for the best.

[Cameron] 'So what up with the bartender?'

Uh, Stacie?

- 'She's a wild one.' - 'What do you mean?'

I thought you were doing boys' night out.

This is. It's me, Charlie, and Stacie.

'Ah!'

He's having the partying time of his life right now.

[Spencer] 'Go, Stacie. Go, Stacie.'

The more I drink, the more I dance.

You can always tell.

What gets you up on the bar dancing?

"Pour Some Sugar On Me," all day.

Oh.

It's, like, the ultimate, like

"Let me get on the bar and, like strip" song.

[Spencer] 'You missed your calling, Stacie.'

[Cameron] 'What is he doing, sitting there macking'

on the bartender at a bar?

[Spencer] 'You naughty thing, you.'

♪ You know I can't go telling no lies ♪

♪ Baby girl you caught my eye ♪

♪ Only thing I want from you is tell me the truth ♪

♪ Girl can I tell you ♪♪

[squeals]

[cheering]

- 'Happy birthday!' - 'Happy birthday!'

Gonna blow out my candle.

- Gimme some of that! - Hey!

Gimme some of that!

Hey, you! You blew out my candles.

No, it was Brody.

[Audrina] 'Wait, do you want me to help you?'

- You know how to play this? - Can you just do this?

- I'm getting a text. - Alright. I'm gonna play too.

Um...

- Bah. - Are you reading this?

From Cameron.

Spencer went to the dime with Charlie

and he's trying to hook up with the bartender.

Why would Spencer flirt with the bartender?

Don't tell her.

Sorry. Um...

- Who's sitting here? - 'You.'

- 'Hey.' - Hey, you.

Um, what were you upset about?

Heidi, do you even want to know right now?

- Yeah, I do. - Spencer's, like...

Went out with all his friends, they went to the dime

and now they're, like, hanging out with some girls.

What? What girls?

- No, read the text. - 'Are you kidding?'

It just says that he's flirting with the bartender...

Is Spencer...

- Spencer. - What about Spencer?

I wanna get off the boat.

[instrumental music]

♪ She's a red red ♪

♪ Red light warning sign ♪♪

- Hey, Chippy. - Okay, Lauren.

Cameron just sent Stephanie a text, saying

"I'm at the dime right now and Spencer's flirting

with the bartender," and then she tells Heidi

and Heidi freaks out and called him and he didn't answer.

- Check 'er. - And then they both left.

We're-we're on a boat. Where did they go?

- What a jerk. - My blood is boiling.

I'm so mad.

It's just, like, a...

Can you play for me real quick? I'll be right back.

I'm gonna see what's going on with Heidi and Steph.

[phone ringing]

- Thank you. - 'I'm like Oprah.'

Thank you. You are better than Oprah, Stacie.

What up, baby?

Are you flirting with the bartender?

What the hell are you talking about?

Are you being serious right now?

You're not taking sh*ts with the bartender

and getting her number?

What planet are you on?

[Heidi] 'Don't be rude to me. I'm just asking.'

[Spencer] 'I'm offended that you really just asked me.'

Who's spreading these rumors?

Cameron texted Stephanie

"Your brother is so sleazy."

Did he-did he really text that to Stephanie?

'That's what she told me.'

'I'm gonna go talk to this fool right now.'

Cameron just got b*at up, I think, for that.

- You're gonna go what? - 'b*at.'

If he's really texting that to Stephanie

he's gonna get b*at up right now.

What are you talking about? Spencer?

[Charlie] 'Dude, why don't you just forget about it?'

Let's get out of here. Drop it. Let's bounce.

- Call it a night. - No.

- Steph never wrote me back. - No?

[Spencer] 'Excuse me, may I have a word with Cameron?'

Can we come talk over here?

So why did I just get a call from Heidi, hysterical

saying that you texted Stephanie that I'm over here

giving the bartender my number?

I didn't say you were giving her your number

I'm just saying, you're out here hitting on a bartender.

- She deserves to know. - Did you just say...

- I'm hitting on the bartender? - Yeah.

I mean, you are, aren't you?

Are you trying to get hurt, Cameron?

'Cause right now, you... Don't smile, either.

Hit me first so I can * * * you up.

Now, it's real, dawg. You just got into my business.

Touch me first so I can * * * you up.

- Come on, dude, I'm not-- - Touch me. Just touch me.

I'm not gonna * * * touch you, dude.

Touch me, dawg, so I can * * * you up.

- Push me. That doesn't count. - Man, come on--

- Yo, yo, yo, yo. - Yo, yo, yo.

Yo, chill, chill!

♪ You're a rising tide ♪

♪ We gotta make it out of this alive ♪♪

Let's roll.

♪ It's alright ♪

♪ It's alright ♪

♪ We're not gonna ♪

♪ Die tonight ♪

♪ Hold your breath ♪♪

Did Cameron really text you that?

- No, I'm so mad. - Did he answer?

He was, like, "I'm not doing that.

- What are you talking about?" - Heidi, you're shaking.

I have nightmares about this stuff.

'I thought you were doing really good.'

[male #] 'Listen, Spencer just hit Cameron out of nowhere.'

Spencer?

- 'Hit him?' - 'Hit him.'

You just hit Cameron?

[Stephanie] 'Says "Homeboy just hit me out of nowhere."'

'Why did you hit him a bunch of times?'

He really did text Stephanie that.

- He really did. Cameron... - Are you going home?

I'm going home. I'm getting off this boat.

Spencer just went and punched Cameron.

I'm shaking.

Like, oh, my gosh.

I'm freaking out.

It's fine. It's fine. Boys fight. Boys do.

They, that's what they do. It's silly.

But now, how do I even know

what he was doing at the bar?

- I mean, can I be real? - Yeah.

- For a minute? - Yeah. Yeah.

He's...he's an ass * * *.

Like, he's an awful person.

I am shaking. I am actually shaking.

I don't know what to do.

'I've never had anything like this happen before.'

And the last thing I wanna do is come here

on your birthday and be the party crasher

'and cause all this drama.'

And I know you and Spencer have had all these differences

and it's hard for both of us and, you know, I just wanted

to be able to have it be somewhat normal.

'I feel like it's not fair to say to you'

but, like, the person you love I don't think he's nice

so I don't-I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this.

I don't know, it's not, it's not

like we thought this would happen.

You were my best friend but then you started dating

this person...

...who did really mean things to me

'and I don't know what to do.'

'Cause I don't like him, but I still love you.

I know.

But I can't be a half-friend to you.

I can't sit by and be, like

"This is good."

This is the last thing I ever wanted.

[crying]

You were the person that I loved

and adored more than anyone.

My favorite stories are my stories with you.

My favorite memories are my memories with you.

[sobbing]

Don't cry on your birthday.

I don't know what we're supposed to do.

Maybe...

[sighs]

We just have a drink.

[laughs]

And then we go from there.

♪ Did you know ♪

♪ It would hurt ♪

♪ So bad ♪

♪ I'm the one ♪

♪ Who's crying ♪

♪ My heart hurt everywhere ♪

♪ And now I'm broken ♪

♪ I think almost ♪

♪ Maybe we should ♪

♪ Almost ♪

♪ Maybe we should ♪

♪ Almost ♪

♪ Maybe we should ♪♪