05x19 - Mr. Right Now

[bunniefuu]

(Kristin) Previously on"The Hills..."

Heidi had gone totallybaby crazy.

What if I went off the pill and surprised him?

And she actually thought it might be a good idea

to get pregnant without Spencer knowing.

- What's for dessert? - Get ready for dessert.

I thought Brody was happier now that he broke up with Jayde.

- 'Have you talked to her?' - 'Yeah, I talked to her.'

And I wasn't the only one.

(Frankie) 'Jayde, she's bad news for you.'

I think you guys need to mind your own business.

But in the end, he wound up going back to her.

Justin had been calling me.

(Justin) 'I just wanted to let you know'

'I ended everything with Audrina.'

I needed a break from boys.

Let's just get out of here.

- We could go to Vegas. - Done.

We should go now before we change our minds.

- Okay. - Let's go pack!

At least, that's what I thought, until I went to Vegas.

- 'I can see Vegas, baby.' - 'Yeah!'

'This is gonna be a good weekend.'

- I can feel it. - Vegas!

What are the chances of us both hooking up with someone?

'You %.'

- Me-- - 'Me?'

- Sixty-five. - Why am I ninety?

You don't have any strings attached back home.

That's very true.

But I would think that you would want to

just because you do have strings attached.

- True. - This trip is all about you.

'It's all about you getting away'

from all your baggage in LA.

Our mission is to each find one guy

that we can flirt with all night.

- Why just stick to one? - You're right.

I'm just saying we're here for a reason.

'We're not here to meet Mr. Right.'

We're here to meet "Mr. Right Now."

You live and you learn, and then you go to Vegas.

'We're in Vegas!'

(both) 'Whoa!'

* When the lights go off *

* It's like we wrestling *

* I just love it how she answers *

* When I get to questionin' *

* Whose is this? *

* Whose is this? *

* Whose is this this this? **

(Charlie) 'I went pretty big last night.'

- 'I did alright.' - Where'd you go?

I was all over the place, I'm all over the map.

I got secret parking every corner of this town.

It was great, man, I was just makin'

the rounds you know, man of the people.

So what else you've been doing in the wife department?

I had the best night of my married life.

'I came home to a fully cooked, prepared meal.'

Heidi pretty much, like, once she got up

it looked like she was just wearing lingerie to dinner.

I'm like, "Damn, like, this is what married life is?

Lingerie at the dinner table?"

Dude, it sounds like the black widow

weaving the web to suck you in.

- What? - 'For the big k*ll.'

I'm saying she might have ulterior motives.

- Like what? - Trying to get pregnant.

- She's on birth control, dude. - How do you know?

I know she's on birth control 'cause I see the pills.

And you gotta watch her swallow 'em and take 'em.

She'll be hiding those under her tongue

and you'll find a pile of 'em in the corner under your bed.

I don't think, Heidi would never do something like that.

There's a couple tests you can run, you know.

- Well, well, let's hear 'em. - 'Number one.'

Put a little wine in front of her

see if she's taking the alcohol.

Take her out to, like, some sush, get her some shellfish.

See, I heard you eat shellfish

it makes you all horny and you get pregnant.

I think that's before. That's the oysters.

- That's a different game. - Oh, man.

Seriously, watch out for that after-sex stuff

'cause girls can do things that increases

their chances of conception, man.

- You're making this up. - 'I'm not.'

I've seen it, you can YouTube it

post-sex baby-making acrobatics.

She's probably got a triangle wedge in the corner

of the floor, sleeps with two pillows under her.

- And just waiting. - Oh, my Lord.

I miss the good old days when you just worried about your car.

Only it took eight months for me to build it.

(Charlie) Midlife crisis already?

(Spencer) 'Marriage life crisis.'

- Bitchin' Camaro. - Here you go, boss.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you very much.

Mean.

- Sick. - Put your seatbelt on.

- This thing is not a joke. - 'I don't do seatbelts, man.'

I like to be thrown clear off the wreckage.

[car revving]

Ah!

Oh, Stacie, I can always rely on you.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Grab those two glasses here.

- 'Talk about a celebration.' - 'Cheers to Vegas!'

I never know what you're up to.

[Stacie chuckles] These people out here

'we're never gonna see them again.'

- 'That's true.' - Cheers to new boys.

To Vegas boys.

- Get ready, let's party. - Exactly.

I like how everything I pull out of my suitcase

looks like baby clothes.

What did you bring... Baby clothes.

Hold on, 'cause I brought a shirt like that.

I'm wearing this tomorrow night, though, so--

So, then I'm not gonna wear mine tomorrow night, right?

Right. So wear that tonight.

- Vegas, you have to step it up. - That's awesome.

I mean, we're not here to find boyfriends.

You gonna talk about LA? No boys?

No, we're not bringing up Justin and Brody.

Like, I'm really excited to be in Vegas and have fun

and meet new guys.

We don't take this home at all.

Okay!

If anyone finds out about anything

I know who's telling.

I need something that screams

"Not a one-night stand, but...maybe."

[both laugh]

[Thrash Unreal singing "Las Vegas Lights"]

* You can say what you want to *

* I don't have the heart to complete yo-you *

(Heidi) 'I feel so excited for date night.'

I know how much you love sushi and fish

and, you know

and crab and oysters.

* And tell all your friends that I'm bad news **

- Hello, you two. - Hello.

- How are you? - Good to see you.

'May I offer you both some type of drink'

if you had something in mind?

We'll have a nice, uh, hot sake.

- 'Okay.' - Um, I'll just have water.

- 'Alright.' - 'Sparkling for me.'

'Okay.'

And can we get two orders

of the crispy spicy tuna rice?

Kind of craving more, like, meat.

(male #) 'You could do the Kobe Tobanyaki here--'

Oh, let's get that.

Perfect. Thank you.

I wonder what Enzo's doing.

Babe, you talk about Enzo like he's related to us.

What's not to love and wanna talk about Enzo.

- It's my favorite subject! - Okay.

(male #) 'Alright, we have your yellowtail here, for you.'

- Okay. He'll take that. - Oh, oh.

Yeah? Okay.

Let's propose a toast.

To, uh, a marriage that has trust.

I love you so much.

Cheers...love you.

* She put that magic on me *

* She got that voodoo*

* She work that voodoo *

* She put a spell on me *

* She got that voodoo she work that voodoo *

* And I think that I am falling in love *

* Love love * * California love *

*Falling in love love *

* Whoa whoa **

* You know I gotta touch *

* I'm looking for my freaky guy *

*My freaky guys **

- Hi. - Hiya.

- J-Rock. How are you? - Stacie.

Hi, Stacie, what's goin' on?

- This is my boy Jimmy. - Hi.

- 'Oh, yeah.' - 'Can I sit?'

So how long are you guys in town for?

- Friday. - Friday?

- You're in the Backstreet Boys? - That is not true!

I can't, I can't, I can't. I'm not gonna...

[upbeat music]

I can do that.

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[automated message] 'At the tone, please record your message.'

[beep]

Hi, we're at some bar overlooking Vegas

and I should be having the time of my life, but I'm not.

And...I am.

So I'm putting myself out there.

Alright, bye.

* Say we belong *

* So I'm not the only one *

* All alone in love **

* Well I can hardly catch my breath *

* And I just hope that this will last *

* The world is slipping from my grasp *

* I'm looking 'round to find... **

Kristin?

[knocking on door]

Come in.

- What are you doin'? - Morning.

Are you eating ice cream in bed?

I'm eating an ice-cream sundae.

Dude, what happened to you last night?

- What is all this? - I ordered a bunch of stuff.

You know how I feel about mimosas in the morning.

- Yeah. - 'Where'd you go?'

Oh, I just came here.

How fun was last night though?

Yeah, I know, it was fun. I had fun.

I just...

I just felt like all the guys were kind

of douchey, and I was kind of over it.

Do you want anything else for breakfast besides ice-cream?

- Champagne, please. - Champagne.

Is that the shower?

- Huh? - Is that the shower running?

Unh-unh.

The shower's running, Kristin.

'Do you have a guy in there?'

- Maybe. - 'What is up with you?'

'Is that a guy?'

- Yeah. - From last night?

I sinned in sin city.

Is he gonna come out here?

- 'Eventually.' - Should I leave?

- No. - Who is this guy?

'You made a booty call last night?'

- Uh-huh. - 'Hi.'

- Um, how are you, Justin? - 'I'm good.'

'I'm gonna go change, get out of this towel.'

[both chuckling]

(Stacie) Well, hello, Justin.

'I knew you went out and called him last night.'

What happened to meeting new guys in Vegas?

At least, he showed up and I didn't make an ass of myself.

He had a lot of making up to do though, like, a lot.

This trip just got crazy.

* Got that boy wrapped *

* Right around my finger *

* Can you feel it? *

* Got the boy wrapped up *

* A perfect picture *

*And I love it *

* Got the boy wrapped right around **

- 'Hey.' - Hi, how are you?

- Good. - Good.

- How you doin'? - I'm good.

- What up? - Not much.

- My sister's having a boy. - She is?

- Yeah. - She's set!

A little girl, a little boy.

Yeah, she's, like, very fertile, I guess.

[both laughing]

So did you talk to Justin?

He wanted to have dinner

or something, and I was like, "Okay."

So I go, I sit down, and he just started

saying those four and half years we were together

meant nothing, and Kristin affected him in a way

that nobody has ever affected him.

He said that to you that the four and half years

you were together meant nothing?

I was literally his punching bag, Derek.

I don't understand why you put yourself through that ***.

I should have not went at all.

I think Justin's in Vegas right now.

At least, that's what I heard through--

- With who? - With Kristin and Stacie.

He's a douche bag, he will never change.

He's a super-selfish guy.

It's like I've been on this roller coaster ride

for four and half years, and there comes a point

where you need to get off.

Are you telling me right now you're done?

There's nothing left there?

- There's nothing left. - Nothing.

- There's nothing left. - Really?

There's nothing there, Derek.

This is the last time you're ever gonna

hear me talk about him.

Alright.

* It's just a cover-up *

* Oh-oh-oh *

* Oh-oh-oh *

* It's just a cover-up *

* It's just a cover-up *

* Oh-oh-oh *

* Oh-oh-oh **

Alright!

(Stacie) 'Um, may I have a vodka soda, please?'

Can I have a grey goose soda, please?

- I'm so happy you can make it. - Yeah. Really?

- It's fun, yeah. - 'I know.'

It's sweet of you to come. It makes it different--

I hope I don't hear differently later, you know?

So what's the plan for tonight?

What do you guys feel like?

We should go to a strip club at some point.

- We're in Vegas, we have to. - I'll go to a strip club.

- Yeah. - I'msodown!

Did you think I was gonna come?

- Uh...no. - Can you imagine...

...imagine if I didn't come on this one.

- I'd have been really upset. - Good.

Did you ever drive to Vegas for Audrina?

I don't think so.

You, you kind of make me do things I don't usually do.

It's, uh, unconventional for me.

- Good. - What if I called you?

Would you ride out to Vegas?

After you kept going back and forth

between Audrina and me, no.

I could say the same thing about Brody.

I know you guys are friends and you talk, but do you, like...

It's, uh, it's not gonna happen with Brody and I, so...

'Everything, everything happens for a reason.'

Let's make it a really fun night.

Alright, to having the best night in Vegas.

[chuckling]

Ah!

I think tonight's gonna be fun. Don't let me down.

Don't letmedown.

* I'm gonna see you down on the other side *

* Where the sulphur and the fire meet *

* There will be * * And there will be no places *

* For you to hide *

* When you feel the pressure from the heat *

* I'm gonna see you down on the other side *

* Where the sulphur and the fire meet *

Whoa!

- Whoa... - Whoo!

* When you feel the pressure from the heat *

I can do that.

I wanna get a stripper pole.

[song continues]

Whoo!

Oh!

[instrumental music]

Whoo!

* I want you to go *

Oh, my God!

Aah! Oh, my God!

Oh!

- 'Oh, man!' - 'Wow, that was so cute.'

- That was so funny! - Oh, my God.

- That was intense. - How'd it feel?

I feel molested.

She lifted up her legs. I was like, "Aah!"

Well, I'm happy.

Nice work.

I'm *** good.

Hah. I'm good.

I called you.

'This is all me.'

Aw!

Aww, we kissed.

- Now, you guys gotta kiss. - Yeah.

I'll kiss you. Come here.

'Come here.'

'Yeah! Ha-ha.'

* There will be and there will be no places *

* For you to hide *

* When you feel the pressure from the heat *

* Whoo-whoo **

[instrumental music]

(Charlie) 'Yo, man, what's up, dude?'

'What's goin' on? What's going on here?'

- This is what's up. - Sheesh, oh, my dude!

This is not tight.

She must have left this around for you to find or something.

Oh, no, no, it was in the trash.

Did you already go to sushi? Was she drinking and stuff?

Did you take her out and run her through the paces?

You were very correct about taking her to Katsuya and--

Thank you.

- Doing the little alcohol test. - Yes.

Um, but yeah, so, she didn't drink.

Bro, that's rough.

Rough one for you.

[whispering] What if she's pregnant? Game over.

If she's already pregnant, you're gonna have nine months

to start reading a *** ton of books

and get ready to be a daddy.

[sighing]

I'm gonna have a serious meltdown

if she tells me she's really pregnant.

I mean, I'm gonna have the kind of kid

that's gonna grow up and just try to k*ll me.

I can just feel that, you know?

A little Oedipus complex?

- A lot of kids do that. - I mean...

I can't even believe they don't have

a male birth control pill yet.

I should have been on it.

The only realistic thing you can do

is sit her down and talk to her.

You're gonna have to confront this head-on with her

and, like, I highly suggest you do that soon

before you got the little pitter-patter

of little feet running around here.

Once one kid comes, then they just start comin'.

They'll start droppin'.

I got a book of baby names if you want me to bring it over

you can start sortin' through those.

- No? Not into that? - It's not funny, Charlie.

Like, I don't, and you're making jokes--

I'm trying to make light of it so...

Now, don't-don't try to make light.

I just wanna be depressed here.

- I don't want to get pumped up. - I mean...

You gotta do you at the end of the day, so...

Me is not a baby.

It might be now.

* Can you be brave? *

* Will you let me save you? *

* If you lead the way *

* I won't betray you *

* And I know you'll come back *

* On your own **

Oh, my God.

[laughing]

I'm hurting.

Oh...

- Good morning, sunshine. - How you feeling?

Actually, not as bad as I should.

That's 'cause I'm here.

- Duh. - I know.

Duh.

Besides my voice, I feel fabulous.

God!

At least, you didn't get molested by a stripper.

That was the best part.

I mean, I've never had a girl *** on me before.

- She literally *** on you. - She *** on me.

- You loved it. - Yeah, I was loving it.

- Oh, God, I just-- - How do you...

- Stacie and I kissed. - Yeah, what happened?

- What'd you turn into? - I don't know.

Something about those strip clubs.

Okay...

Well, I'm really glad that you came.

- Yeah? - It made it a lot of fun.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Good to know. - Yeah.

So what happens now?

When we go back to the real world?

Are we gonna hang out after Vegas?

I don't know, are we?

I mean, it's easy when no one else is around

for everything to be good, but...

We'll see what happens when we get back.

We'll see.

[chuckles]

* I've got you underneath my skin *

* I can't think of how I let you in *

* You look so good but feel so wrong *

* No time to figure all this out *

* Just picking up what you put down **

[theme music]