03x10 - 2 Ava 2 Fest

[bunniefuu]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[CHOPPING]

- Where are we at with the veggies?
- Veggies?

I was deconstructing the water ice.

Are you [BLEEP] kidding me?

We're pretty busy prepping for
open house, aka AVA Fest.

Last year, we only served
various mac and cheeses,

so this year, we elevated.

It's time to show the people

what Abbott Elementary
kitchen can really do.

Hands! I need hands!

- MAN: Yes, Chef!
- We're walking.

We're walking, table one.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY]

Oh, allow me.

[CRUNCHING LIGHTLY]

This is...

trash.

- Nnnooo!
- [CLATTERING]

Now, who's gonna clean that up?

♪♪

♪♪

Next month's priority is
Emily's tutoring initiative,

"The Study Buddy,"

so keep your eyes out for
your school assignments.

That's weird, 'cause it sounds a
lot like the program that I pitched.

Remember, "Tutor Friends"?

For the last time,
Simon, it's not the same.

Mine rhymes.

Oh, that's why I liked it better.

Nothing rhymes with "tutor."

Tutor, scooter. Tutor, sh**t.
Tutor, recruiter.

Oh, that's good.

Moving on to a program update.

Uh, early reports are
back for the first month

of the expansion of
Janine's librarian program,

and feedback has been
extremely positive.

Well, that's the big Teagues.

That's the big Teagues over here.

- The big Teagues!
- Come on.

REYNOLDS: Teacher evaluations
are through the roof.

There's also been
improvement in attendance

and even classroom participation.

I'm not sure if that has anything
to do with your program,

but if I were you,
I would take the credit.

[LAUGHTER]

Cool.

Oh, hey, that's my class.

There are going to be so many
more Abbots you can help

- now that you're here permanently.
- Yep.

Alright, everyone, until next month.

And please, do not submit
any new proposals

unless they are, say it with me now...

- Fffff.
- Fire.

- For real.
- Fantastic.

- Free.
- Free!

- Free.
- Come, on guys.

- We know "free," right?
- Yes!

I feel like I say this every day.

- You do.
- Yeah.

Free, yeah.

Hey, don't forget, everybody,
per district tradition,

tonight is Janine's
official new hire party.

- Woo.
- Hey, hey, hey.

- Wow.
- Alright.

You good? You didn't seem as
pumped as I thought you would be

with your program k*lling it.

Oh, yeah. I'm... fine.

I don't know. I just feel
a little off, I guess.

Ah, I get it. You're in the dip.

What's the dip?

It's like when a big project
ends and the dust settles,

and you're like, "What do I do now?

Buy a condo?

Redo the one I have?"

You have a condo?

There's so many other projects
coming down the line,

you won't even have enough time

to think about being
in the dip too long.

- Trust me.
- Cool.

Seeing my students doing
so well in the program

seems like it would have made me elated,

so it's good to know where that
off feeling was coming from.

I guess that's just what happens

when you're always
working on new projects.

You dip.

What are we even meeting
about the open house for?

I got a classroom to prep.

Attention, attention.

We have a very packed agenda today.

It just says "AVA Fest"
over and over and over.

Exactly. Last year's AVA Fest was great,

but this year needs to be
even bigger and better.

Well, last year you lied to everybody

and said that Jazmine
Sullivan was coming.

- And then people got very angry.
- BARBARA: Mm-hmm.

And this year's needs to be even better.

Ava, this is simply an open house.

We will continue prepping all day,

and everything will be just fine.

Do you think I want something that
has my name on it to be just fine?

Doesn't have to have your name on it.

I've actually been prepping all week.

Look at the solar system
that my class made.

- Aww.
- Boo!

Un-show me that, right now.

AVA Fest, on the other hand,
is going to be special.

I just have to come up with a
way to take it over the top,

a way to make it unhinged.

Have you ever tried just being hinged?

Alright. Are we done here?

I need to put the finishing
touches on my proposal

before I go drop it off at the district.

Gregory's Garden Goofballs
getting a glow up.

Gregory, would you please
give this to Janine?

Yeah, I got a box of her crap, too.

Oh, could you also give her
this important message?

I love her, I miss her, and I
can't wait to see her again.

Oh... I'll paraphrase.

Well, make yourself useful
and grab Janine's lanyard.

The AVA Dome has a strict
no Janine re-entry policy.

Alright, everyone, focus.

You are all set.

Now, they're going to email you
when it's officially official.

That's amazing. Thank you.

Oh, do you happen to know
where Janine Teagues' office is?

Mm, yes. Office 237.

- Thanks.
- On the second floor.

Now, you're going to pass a
little kitchenette moment,

and 237 is right next to 239.

Now, if you go to that big conference
room, you've gone too far.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah.

This place would collapse without me.

Okay.

I figured it out, y'all.

I found a way to top last year.

And here we go.

I got a Root! Philadelphia's
own Questlove.

Ahh.

The same way you got Jazmine
Sullivan to come here last year?

- Exactly.
- Okay, but she didn't come.

Do you not have an imagination?

- Mm-hmm.
- Questlove and I go way back.

We went parasailing in the
Florida Keys over summer break.

He lost his afro pick in the water.

Almost ruined the whole trip.

So he kept his afro pick
in while parasailing?

He never takes it out.
He says it holds his power.

Look, Questlove is coming.
The people need to know.

Jacob, I want you to
make a flyer on Canva,

something that pops,
and then blast it wide.

Sure, I'll get right on that.

Pick up the energy, people!

I don't want my esteemed best friend

and occasional pickleball
partner, Questlove,

to catch a bad vibe at my festival.

Ava, come on...

MELISSA: You know she's lying.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

Let her go.

We are so excited for
your party tonight.

I hope you don't like hooks, girl,

- 'cause this party gonna be off one.
- Ooh.

Party's starting to
sound like a big deal.

'Cause it's your big day.
You're one of us now.

- One of us.
- Yeah.

[BOTH CHANTING] One of us. One of us.

One of us.

[SIGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Party's gonna be off the hook, I get it.

- What party?
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I thought you were one of my coworkers.

Well, I used to be.

What are you doing here?

I'm just here dropping off the paperwork

for my Goofballs proposal.

Oh, that's great.

It's gonna go through, I know it.

This is a nice view.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks.

You know what?
If you squint hard enough,

you can see Abbott from here.

Um, speaking of Abbott,

I have some parting gifts from the crew.

- Oh.
- I have a card from Barbara.

- Aww.
- A framed photo of Jacob

- from Jacob.
- Mm-hmm.

Melissa got you some mace,

and Mr. Johnson wanted
you to have a strand

from his favorite mop.

That is so thoughtful.

And this is from me.

Wow! Dirt!

You said that you missed
the dirt at Abbott,

so I brought it to you.

Oh, my God.

There's also seeds in there.
It's a polka dot plant.

It's supposed to be a reminder
to embrace the unexpected.

Thanks, Gregory. I love it.

Alright, I gotta head out.

We're still prepping for AVA
Fest. You gonna be there?

Oh, no. That party I mentioned earlier,

it's kind of for me, so I can't miss it.

Okay. Oh, um...

Ava said I need to get your
Abbott lanyard from you.

It's probably at home
or something like that,

so when you get a chance, just...

You still have it on?

Yeah. Just thought it went
well with this outfit...

and all my other outfits, so...

Thanks for coming, Gregory.

- Yeah.
- And I love my dirt!

It's a plant, but see you around.

Bye.

GREGORY: Yeah, it's the end of an era,

um, but Janine will always have
a special place with all of us.

I mean, it's because of her

I realized that Abbott
is where I'm meant to be.

So it's great to see her find
where she is meant to be.

_

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

All three now. Right, Chef?

- Yeah.
- I just texted my mom,

and she sent me this voice note.

Oh, my God, Oh, my God, Oh, my God!

- I love Questlove!
- See, Mom gets it.

So make sure you tell everyone you know,

AVA Fest is not to be missed.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ava. How exactly did you meet Questlove?

- Yeah.
- We met at a party in the 2000s.

I was dating Allen Iverson.

A couple of his groupies
was trying to get at me.

I'm b*ating on them, and
then Questlove walks by

and he says, "You have natural rhythm."

A couple of weeks later,
we started The Roots.

So you're saying that you're a
founding member of The Roots?

More like the founder.

- Ava, you're not a Root.
- Well, I quit to save the band.

I almost Yoko Ono'd them.

I really thought we were going
to be able to ignore this

and just have a lovely open house,

- but this is gonna be a problem.
- Yeah.

I haven't even sent the flyer out,

and word is already spreading.

One of the parents just texted me

and asked if there are VIP tickets.

- Oh!
- Okay, this calls for a plan B

you cannot get at CVS.

Okay, the party starts at 8:00,

and you'll probably want
to take a car home after,

because things can get a little wild.

There will be cake, there will be fun...

There will be blood oaths.

- What?
- He's kidding.

- No. [LAUGHS]
- Don't do that.

- Teagues?
- Yeah?

You see your new assignment?

Oh, yeah. I got the email.
Just haven't had a chance to...

Okay, so we are going to have
you do a class size assessment

of the ninth grade.

You're going to start at
Park Legendary High School.

Oh, okay.

See, I was just thinking I'd
stick with elementary schools

- and stay at Abbott.
- Oh, you know what?

That's on me.

I forgot to ask you which
school you'd prefer.

Oh, it's alright.

- So I was...
- Of course, I'm being sarcastic.

Your job is to help all the
schools in the district,

- not just Abbott.
- Right.

- Totally hear you.
- Yeah.

I was just thinking maybe
I would ease into it,

- like a cold plunge?
- You don't ease into a cold plunge.

That's pretty... pretty
sure it's in the name.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Janine, this is all mapped out for you

in your new hire packet...

raise in year two,
promotion in year three.

Yep. Team leader in
year four. I read it.

Great, so you're familiar with
our standard seven-year plan.

[ROBOTIC VOICE] Welcome to your future.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Ooh, this is heavy.
- Whoa.

- Big cake.
- Yeah.

Oh!

Questlove gonna be here?

- Questlove!
- I'm telling you...

What have you got?

Well, I've got my church
choir ready to sing

one of our secular selections,

"Angel" by Amanda Perez.

Great, and I reached out
to the Story Samurai.

They said they're going to come
and do some story performances.

But they did ask for a per diem,

- which in Latin...
- Ohh.

I reached out to Tariq to see
if he could perform again,

but apparently he's moderating
a panel at City Hall.

Well, I'm bringing a
few friends myself...

[DOING IMPRESSIONS] De Niro. Stallone.

And then Stallone as De Niro.

"Yo, Adrian, you lookin' at me?"

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, right?
- There is one more thing.

Um, Ava asked me to send that email

to all the parents with the Canva flyer,

and I took the liberty
of letting them know

that Questlove will
not be able to attend.

BARBARA: [GASPS] Oh.

Jacob, you beautiful backstabber.

Oh, hey, there.

I've been trying to track you down.

Now, here's all the information
to enroll in our health insurance.

Which, let me tell you,
it's pretty b*mb.

That's why my teeth are on point.

Um, you know what?

I don't actually need
better health insurance.

Um, I'm healthy.

And if everyone in America can't
have free health insurance,

- why should I?
- Okay, first of all, it's not free.

And second of all, are you sure?

Because I've heard you breathing,

and I think you need a specialist.

Or maybe I just have a
special way of breathing.

- There you are.
- Hey.

Here is your permanent parking pass.

Employee lot is right out front.

Um, you know what?

I don't really need a parking spot.

I can just walk.

- It's like, a 20-minute walk.
- Yeah. That's okay.

I love to walk, you know?

Look, I love it. Doing it right now.

- Doing a good job at it.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- I noticed you haven't signed up

for your 401K.

When you don't fill out the paperwork,

I have to talk to people,
and I hate talking to people.

Great, I'll sign up for it
if there's something less intense,

you know, like a 301K or a 201J.

What is that?

Where did this come from?

That's a super sick district
desktop computer.

You got to personalize your background.

- Mine's a mountain lion.
- Well, I don't want it.

- Oh.
- Yeah. I like my laptop

because it's mobile.

You can move. You're not stuck anywhere.

That's the reason why Steve
Jobs made laptops, Simon.

If I get information and I
want to take it somewhere,

- where do I put it, Simon?
- I don't know, Janine.

The cloud?

[AUSTIN POWERS IMPRESSION]
Yeah, baby. Oh, behave.

Okay, I don't know who
that's supposed to be,

- but he sounds responsible.
- Who wants to die?

Which one of you did this?

I did. [CLEARS THROAT]

- I did.
- Ava.

We did not want to lie to the
people coming to AVA Fest.

And the real entertainment
will go over better

if the community is not
expecting Questlove.

[EXAGGERATED COWBOY ACCENT]
'Cause he ain't showing up.

- Shh.
- Y'all are haters.

He thanked me in the liner
notes of "Things Fall Apart."

That's when I used to go
by the name MC Gillette,

a name that he gave me

because he said I am
the best a man can get.

Now I gotta make another
flyer and send it out myself.

Corner.

Are we just yelling out
things we see now?

Walls, floor, huge mess of food!

Get in my belly.

[CHUCKLES]

_

[SINGSONG VOICE]
I got your start paperwork.

Oh, yeah. This is my favorite tradition.

You take a sh*t, you sign the paperwork,

we snap a nasty photo.

- [SIGHS] Oh, boy.
- It's just a fun little thing

we've been doing for all the new hires.

You do not have to take the sh*t,

but you got to take the photo.

But you should still take the sh*t.

- [NORMAL VOICE] Here.
- Oh.

Uh, alright.

Um, you know what?

I just need to go grab my lucky pen,

because I cannot sign without it.

- [PEN CLICKS]
- So I'll be right back.

And, um...

Simon, make sure you get the
perfect lighting for me, okay?

Do I have the perfect lighting?

- Uh, shhing.
- [LAUGHTER]

[PARTY MUSIC FADING]

[SIGHS]

"Janine, I'm so proud of
the person you've become.

I have no doubt your
adventure is just beginning.

One thing I've learned about you
is that you have a big heart.

And, my dear, that heart
will never lead you astray.

Blessings, Barbara."

[LIGHT KNOCK]

MANNY: Hey, are you good?

[SHAKY] Honestly, better
than I've ever been.

[SCHWARZENEGGER IMPRESSION]
Alright, I gotta get to the chopper,

but as Matthew McConaughey would say...

[MCCONAUGHEY IMPRESSION]
AVA Fest's alright, alright, alright.

Thank you.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

I can't believe they made
me sit through that.

Questlove better be here soon.

They better not have lured
us down here again

with the promise of seeing a well-known

and respected R&B and/or rap artist.

Okay, so there are a few
disappointed people here,

but overall, I think
it's going pretty well.

Thank God we had a backup plan.

- You're welcome.
- And people seem to be liking the food.

- Yes.
- Thank you. We worked really hard,

lost some good men.

Shanae quit.

- What?
- I said I was quick, dumbass.

- Oh.
- What's up?

It's the district.

The Garden Goofballs program
passed its final hurdle.

It's officially approved.

- Ooh, good for you, goofball.
- Oh!

That is so awesome.

[EXAGGERATED ACCENT] Well, I'll be.

Gomer Pyle.

Congrats, man.

I knew it was gonna happen.

It's just good to know it's official.

- I gotta tell Janine.
- Aww.

Tell Janine what?

What are you doing here?
What happened to your party?

Well, I decided I wanted to be here.

- Aww.
- For good.

What?

I'm coming back to Abbott.

[GASPS] Yes!

Good to have you back, sweetheart.

- Yes!
- Wait, what? You... You quit?

- No. She got fired.
- What? Why?

- Pregnant.
- You can see it in her feet.

No, no, no, no. I'm not pregnant.

You cannot get fired
for that. And I quit.

Well, technically, I never
signed the contract,

- so I'm in the clear.
- Oh.

Reynolds did say I should
have said something sooner

and that he will be considering
holding a grudge against Abbott,

- but it'll be fine.
- [GROANS]

It'll be fun.

The fact is, I love being a teacher.

It's who I am.

MELISSA: Well, welcome back, kiddo.

There's no one I'd rather teach
second grade with than you.

This has made my entire year,
so I don't want to ruin it,

but what made you change your mind?

It was a lot of things.

But what really did it for
me was Barbara's card.

My... ?

But all I wrote was
how proud I am of you

and all the great things
you're going to do.

Yeah, but it was the other part,

what the kids wrote.

I drew Ms. Teagues a
picture of a football

and wrote that she is
the best teacher ever.

I said, "You make me
laugh, Ms. Teagues."

I wrote that I miss her this much.

And that's how I knew
I have to be with those kids.

Is that why you had them sign?

No. That was their idea.

[LAUGHS]

This is so sweet.

But we all know the real
reason you came back

is to see Questlove.

Ava, Questlove is not coming here.

Now, why would I lie about that?

Because you lied about it last year.

And I was honest about my lying.

Oh, please. You're like the
principal who cried wolf,

- except she's also the wolf.
- Mm-hmm.

So I guess it's just me and
Gregory against the world.

I'm gonna take the
world's side on this one.

Y'all gonna feel real
foolish when Questlove...

Enough, Ava.

We have tolerated your lies

- for four years.
- Five.

Eventually, you have got to be stopped.

We have watched you steal,
cut corners, lie pathologically,

plot, prevaricate, palter, persist,

and I don't know whether
you are delusional or not,

but Questlove is not...

Oh... Is... ?

- [GASPS]
- Questlove is...

Gillette, what is up?

Questlove...

- Oh, my God, you're Questlove.
- ... is here. You are here.

And you know Ava?

Do I know the Ava Coleman?

Of course. I mean,
we go back like molars.

I mean, I was just talking to
Allen Iverson the other day

about how, without her,

our lives would have
never been the same.

They thought I was lying, Ahmir.

You, Honest Ava?

- Oh.
- That is not what we call her.

Okay, well, later,
I'll tell you about the time

where she wrestled a bluefin
tuna for my afro pick.

Almost as fun as the day we
started The Roots together.

[LAUGHS]

Stop bragging about me. [LAUGHS]

Now get up there and do it
for the people one time.

I got you.

I told y'all I wasn't lying.

Unlike Janine and her pregnancy.

- Janine?
- I am not pregnant.

- [QUIETLY] Tariq.
- Yeah.

- No.
- Congrats.

- What?
- It's exciting.

Let's go, Abbott Elementary!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ Everybody, move your feet
and feel united, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Everybody, move your feet
and feel united, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪♪

- Hey, Janine.
- Yeah?

Just so you know, I'm gonna
need that mop strand back.

Okay.

♪♪

♪♪

I mean, it's understandable.

Janine loves Abbott,

but no one's gonna be
able to fill her shoes.

Her surprisingly large shoes.

- Yeah.
- I could be like Janine.

- No.
- No.

What are we going to do with that
district chain that we got her?

[SIGHS]

We'll have to find
somebody else to wear it.

Can I have her office?

- No.
- No.

Okay.

I hated Janine.

I'm glad she's gone.

[NAMECARD CLATTERS]