03x07 - Ta Da For

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on Royal Pains...

- Paige Collins, will you marry me?
- Yes!

You think you'll be able
to provide for Paige

in the style to which she is accustomed?

Maybe you should talk to someone.

Wait... wait...

Keep going...

Das ist ihr nicht!

What does that mean to you?

Es ist nicht ihr... It's not her.

My parents feel entitled to restitution.

But parents cut me off, Raj.

I can't even afford the gratuity on this!

Thank you again.

Don't thank me. We need you around here.

I want to grow Hankmed.

I've heard these kinds
of suggestions before...

And we're talking about
a whole new level here,

I have a fully fleshed-out business plan.

Is this about you wanting
a bigger business,

or is this about you wanting

to make this a bigger business for Paige?

No, thank you for hosting
such a lovely party.

Uh, wonderful, wonderful...

Now, I'm going to...

from looking at your home,

it's a beautiful, exquisite home.

I'm going to assume that you're
quite a wealthy man.

Would you agree to that?

Now, I would like to guess the
exact amount of your net worth.

Hello, sir.

Hello.

What are you doing with these?

I am promoting Hankmed
in an understated way.

That's the way you prefer me
to do it, isn't it?

I guess, but...

This promotion is so understated,

no one even knows it's happening.

It's total stealth marketing.

God, this Pappy Van Winkle

family reserve bourbon is so good.

I told you.

Oh, I added some footage
of the Jitney crash

I found on YouTube.

I am so grateful

for that horrible, horrible accident.

Evan...

Just because, you know,

we've gotten a lot of business out of it.

This birthday party. Brand-new client.

Found out about us because of the crash.

That's great... now be quiet,

'cause I want to watch the magician.

I would like to borrow someone's watch.

You, sir. May I?

Yeah! Um, sure.

Ah...

If you don't mind me asking,

how much was the box
of cereal that this came out of?

[Laughter]

No, seriously,
what do you do for a living?

I'm a... doctor.

A doctor?

With that watch. Wow.

Apparently health care reform is working.

[Laughter] Ah...

This is a watch.

Yeah, I'm not gonna let you
disappear this one, my friend.

It was a gift from my girlfriend, so...

It's really a lovely watch.

- So, yeah, but you're not...
- Whoa.

Now...

Pl... just be careful, please.

I will be gentle.

I will be gentle.

[Metal clanking] Unh!

- Be careful, please.
- Let's see what happens.

- What?
- Mmm.

Mmm!

[Smacks lips]

The handkerchief.

Okay.

Now, that is a doctor's watch.

[Applause] Thank you!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

It was wonderful being with you tonight.

So thank you.

And good night.

[Applause] Oh, my God.

That was totally amazing.

Yeah, it was.

Almost as amazing as you
trying to steal my watch.

- Give it back.
- Wha...

[Clanking]

[Hyperventilating]

Agh! Ah!

Gah!

[Grunting]

[Breathing hard]

[Jingling]

Ladies and gentlemen,

dinner is served.

[Applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Are you really a doctor?

Uh, watch and all, I'm afraid.

Great trick.

Thank you, thank you.

Only it didn't go exactly as I planned.

[Inhales sharply]

I'm afraid that's not
the worst of my problems.

[The Blue Van's Independence]

♪ ♪

♪ My independence went away ♪

♪ I didn't listen when it said ♪

♪ rely on yourself ♪

♪ trusting someone else ♪

♪ is a path for the silent ghost ♪

Um...

is this okay?

It's perfect. Thank you.

Thanks.

So... what got you into magic?

Uh, I thought it would impress the girls.

Ah, the basis of so many things we do.

Heh, I was wrong.

Magic just made them think I was weird.

- "Er." Weirder.
- Oh.

Unfortunately, by the time
I figured that out,

I had already gotten bitten by the bug.

I thought butter was for burns.

Common misconception.

Butter traps heat in the tissue,

which risks causing more damage

and increases the chances of infection.

Honey, on the other hand,

has antiseptic qualities.

It seems like you've been doing
magic tricks for a long time.

Oh, since I was nine.

Not... not professionally,
of course, but...

Two years ago,
I was doing magic part-time.

While I was selling orthopedic shoes

in Massapequa.

Oof.

And then, I started doing custom escapes

at private parties

for high-end clients.

And then, you know,
business just took off.

Rich people love custom.

Ooh, yes, they do.

- You on any medications?
- No.

Well, a water pill.

Helps me drop weight before a big escape.

Okay, deep breath.

Clear as day.

You got lucky.

I got unlucky.

Magic is about rehearsal.
It's about practice.

It's about planning.

Everything was going according to plan.

Then I started feeling weak and sweaty.

I started getting panicky...
paralyzed by fear.

It was like I was having a heart att*ck.

Uh, m... maybe I'm just
getting older, I don't know.

Maybe.

But maybe something more is going on.

No more water pills, okay?

And let's do an EKG.

Okay. Okay.

So I have been trying
to get time with Boris

to discuss my memories of the crash,

only I am having no luck.

Well, he is a new father,

and he is Boris.

And my calls do come with
a history of asking for money.

You want I should set something up?

- Would you?
- Not a problem.

Thank you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

[Typing on keyboard]

- Any old business?
- Uh, yeah.

Magic Andy's EKG came back clean,

but as a precaution,

I put him on a halter monitor,

which I'm checking later today
along with his burn.

All right, anyone else?

Any new business?

A few follow-ups this morning.

But then, if it's still right,

I believe I have the afternoon off.

Scheduled and scheduled, Divya.

Big plans?

No. No.

Puttering, mostly.

"Puttering." Very good.

Well, uh, I have some new business.

At the party yesterday,

one of our Hankmed promotional DVDs

somehow made its way into a VIPP.

That's "Very Important Person's Pocket."

Ah.

And that person

just happens to be...

Matt Lauer.

Ohh, you sucked up to Matt Lauer?

I would have, but he left.

However... thanks
to social networking sites,

Us magazine, and
the freedom of information act,

I learned that he has
a weekend place in Water Mill.

He exercises at the Southampton
Swim and Racquet Club,

and he can often be seen browsing

in M'Lady's Vestibule,

his favorite Hamptons antique store.

Ah, well, as long
as you're not stalking him.

Hank, I want to grow this business.

For us.

Evan... you wanna be on TV... for you.

Why do you always
have to make it about me?

It's not about me.

It's always about you.

All right, that's not fair

and that's not true.

Hey, so...

Why didn't you tell Hank

that you're doing shifts at the hospital?

I was going to.

But then I thought, why burden him?

You know how he is.

I mean, he'd want to help out.

But then only way out of this

is for me to pay back Raj's parents.

Which is my problem, not his.

I don't know how many
different ways I can say no!

I can't believe you're refusing

to do The Today Show.

I'm not refusing.

They're not asking.

Which makes this
an argument about nothing.

Okay, so if they did ask,
would you do it?

What can I say that will
make you stop talking?

- You can answer the question.
- Fine! Yes. Evan...

if the real world somehow
collides with your world,

and The Today Show wants Hankmed on it,

yes, I will do it.

Now, was that so hard to say?

Yes.

Look... it's your secret.

And... I'll keep it.

I just think that the longer I do,

the more awkward things could get.

It won't be forever.

Just until I get my financial
house in order.

And I give you my word,
it will not be awkward.

What won't?

Nothing.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm s...

[Sputters]

Puh! I'm sorry.

Oh, God, my stomach.

- Gah!
- What the hell are you doing?

I'm sorry. Okay, look.

I just really want
to talk to you for two seconds

about The Today Show, okay?

Seriously? That's why
you're jumping on top of me?

Yeah, k... kind of.

Gee, I missed it this morning. All right.

All right, tell me,
who was the musical guest?

So... you're not Matt Lauer.

No. And you're not Natalie Morales.

That's it. We got that cleared up now?

- Yeah.
- Can I finish my swim?

Sure... sure.

Have a good... lap.

Andy?

[Door creaks]

[Chains jingling]

Andy?

Help!

[Chains jingling]

Andy?

Okay... okay...

[Grunts]

Is there a key?

No! No, there's not.

All right, hang on.

I'm gonna get you out of there.

Good. Good.

Are you okay?
[Gasping]

Oh, my God. What is wrong with me?

- What is wrong with me?
- I don't know yet.

I'm not seeing any arrhythmias
on your halter results,

so it's probably not your heart.

All you've got is a slightly
elevated heart rate

while you were trapped.

That's the thing.
I shouldn't have been trapped.

I built this crate.

I mean, it was like
I was in the chimney again.

Paralyzed by fear.

All right, well, then let's start

by checking your reflexes. Here you go.

Okay, lie down for me, please.

All right.

[Groans]

[Sighs]

Ooh!

Oh ho. Whoa ho.

[Chuckles]
Ooh.

[Laughing]
That tickles.

As long as it makes your toes flex.

If they were to extend, it could indicate

a lesion in your spinal cord
or cerebral cortex.

Aren't you a big bag of sunshine?

[Chuckles]
Lift your shirt, please.

Yesterday, you mentioned
you take a diuretic

to lose weight before an escape.

I know, it's not a six pack.

No, no, no, no. I didn't mean that.

I need to test the quadrants
of your abdominals.

All right, you can sit up now.

What I'm getting at is,

if you're feeling
the kind of pressure to perform

that's got you taking water pills

and freezing up in situations
you've rehearsed,

then maybe what you have
is an anxiety disorder.

Okay... yes, I...

I have anxiety in my everyday life.

But it's not supposed to spill over

into my act.

My act is rehearsed.

There's no surprises.

There's nothing to fear.

I'm actually more comfortable
in front of an audience

than I am one on one.

- You okay, buddy?
- Hmm.

It's funny. I'm the exact opposite.

Yeah, most people are.

But to me, that... that's the real magic

of my act.

That I can transform this...

introverted ex-shoe salesman

into the kind of polished performer

that rich, successful people,
they clap for.

Well, if it is an anxiety disorder,

it can likely be controlled
with medication.

What about side effects?

Magic requires dexterity,
it requires focus.

I can't take anything
that's gonna impair that.

Look, I'm not prescribing anything yet.

Let me take some blood.

See if that gets us anywhere.

And, in the meantime...

no escapes.

I have a huge show tonight.

If I don't barely escape from that crate

right before J. Turner Wellerbing

drives his Aston Martin into it,

he's not gonna be happy.

Okay, I'm not saying don't do any magic.

Just stick to turning handkerchiefs

into Hermes scarves

and quarters into krugerrands.

You said rich people love custom.

Isn't that what you said?

Look, I will walk your blood
into the lab myself

and try to work my magic.

But until I know for sure
what's going on with you,

I'm sorry, but Mr. Wellerbing
is just gonna have to drive

his Aston Martin into someone else.

[Cell phone rings]

[Softly]
Yes?

Hey, I need our billing number

for the lab at Hamptons Heritage.

Again?

[Whispering]
"O" 8a7bgp732.

Why is that so hard for you to remember?

Hang on, let me get a pen.

And why are you talking like that?

Are you stalking Matt Lauer?

[Whispering]
No, I am not stalking him.

I am... observing him from a safe distance

until the moment is right
for me to, uh, strike.

Evan, that's stalking.

Just call me when when you find a pen.

Wait, I got one! Hello? Evan?

- Uhh!
- Hey there.

- Hey.
- Problem?

I need Evan to give me
our billing number for the lab.

"O" 8a7bgp732.

How does he... how do you...

one more time.

[Laughs]

Come here.

"O" 8a...



there you go.

Problem solved.

Thank you.

Now can you get Evan to quit

his Today Show obsession?

I'm sure it's just a phase.

Yeah, you thought him saying,

"Evan R. Lawson, CFO of Hankmed"

was just a phase too.

Wishful thinking, I guess.

- You know what I wish?
- Hmm?

I wish there was a fake Today Show

I could hire to interview him.

Then he'd stop.

You know, I have a friend

in the Suffolk College Media Department...

she might be able
to arrange something like that.

But wouldn't that be cruel?

Yeah.

Yeah, it would.

- Let's call her.
- Okay.

[Coughing]

- Are you okay?
[Loudly] - I'm fine, Hank!

[Loudly]
Uh, okay... Jill.

Uh, maybe have a sip of the tea.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Okay.

- Thanks.
- See ya.

Hey, you're the new girl, yeah?

Um, the new P.A., yes. Divya...

I've written discharge papers
for bed four,

but give him a road test first, will you?

Road test?

Make sure he's sober.

Got it. What's going on with him?

Well, for starters,

he's uninsured

and smells like cheap scotch.

He wanted a sh*t of meperidine,

but I just gave him some antacid
for his gastritis.

Drug seekers are like cats, you know?

You can't feed 'em
or they keep comin' back.

Mr. Lauer, you let me know

if there's anything I can help you with.

Thanks, Bernice. I will.

May I help you?

Um, no. No, actually.

I was just admiring
this, uh, this beautiful horse.

It's spectacular, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

It was carved in the 19th century.

It was taken from the carousel

that appeared in the film Mary Poppins.

- Really? Mary Poppins?
- Mm-hmm.

The bridle, I think, has been replaced,

but the tail is original horsehair.

Okay, excuse me.
Excuse me for one second.

- Sorry.
- Ohh! [Shrieks]

Ohh!

Look what you've done to poor Wilbur.

- Wilbur?
- Oh, my...

- Sorry, Wilbur.
- Um...

- Here, let me just...
- No, no, sir...

no, I can sew... I can shove it back in.

Ju... ju... just stop it!

Just... stop!

Mr. Watkins... how are you?

My head hurts. My stomach hurts.

[Burps]

I got gas sh**ting out both ends.

Terrific.

I hear that you have been drinking.

Pff! A little.

Hey, if you get away with it
on the job, right?

You mind lifting up your shirt for me?

You'll have to toss me some beads first.

Kidding.

Ahh.

[Inhales sharply]

What? What was that look for?

[Sighs]
It means that your days

of drinking on the job,
among other places,

are over.

The accumulation of fluid in your abdomen

is called ascites.

The paracentesis should
give you some relief.

Whoa.

Look at that.

Jesus turned water into wine,

and I turned whisky into beer.

[Chuckles]

Actually, you turned it
into peritoneal fluid.

Your drinking has damaged your liver

and you need to see a hepatologist.

Still, it looks cool.

Hmm.

What are you doing?

Paracentesis.

I can see that.

Where did you get the ultrasound?

Oh, I grabbed it from down the hall.

It reduces the risk of
intra-abdominal organ injury.

I know what it does,
but you can't just go

grabbing an ultrasound
because you feel like it.

There's protocol.

Does Dr. Van d*ke know you're doing this?

Uh, no.

Oh, impressive.

You're going to get fired
after only two shifts.

Andy?

Andy...

- Yeah.
- Aah!

Look, I know you're a magician,

but do you have to do that?

- Do what?
- Just appear?

I didn't just appear.
I came from the bathroom.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, I have some news.

Your symptoms aren't being caused

by an anxiety disorder.

They're from an elevated thyroid level.

So why do I have that?

If you don't mind...

um... swallow for me.

[Gulp]

There it is.

An adenoma on your thyroid gland.

It's called a hot nodule.

Hmm, terrific.

The one part of me
that's hot's making me sick.

I'm gonna give you some beta blockers.

They need to build up in your system,

but once they do,

you ought to have some short-term relief.

What about long term?

Surgery to remove the adenoma.

It's pretty minor.

And after a few weeks rest,

you'll be good as new.

So I know what's going on with me now.

Ta-da!

- Don't do that.
- What?

Never do "Ta-da".

- Why not?
- It says your magic is weak.

I... I... it speaks for the moment

when the moment should speak for itself.

Ohh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I thought your shift was over.

It is.

I had some patients to follow up on.

Yeah.

The guy with the ascites you drained...

Did the duty nurse come running in here

like the sky was falling?

No, but...

Honestly, Jill, the way she went on

about protocol.

How I could be fired.

You'd think that I was
somehow k*lling this man.

Divya.

She was right.

Okay.

Welcome to a hospital.

You can't do things how
you'd want to when you want to.

Hey, Van d*ke barely looked at the guy.

He totally missed the ascites.

I'm not arguing that the patient

didn't need a procedure.

But you should have told Van d*ke first.

It wasn't brain surgery.

It doesn't matter.

Divya, I love having you here,

and I was happy to help you
with this job.

But now, I need you to help me

by following the rules.

Because, while it's nice that
they protect my doctors' egos,

what's really nice...

is they protect the patient's health.

Ahh.

Yeah.

[Exhales]

What the hell is that?

This? What is it?

It's an antique carousel horse.

Hmm.

Originally carved in the 19th century,

it also appeared in the film
Mary Poppins.

And you have it because...

Uh, no reason.

Just don't touch its tail.

Okay.

So, Ev, uh...

you're not gonna believe this.

The Today Show actually called.

They want to interview us.

What?

What?

Hold on.

- What?!
- I know!

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God!

I told you that DVD was a good idea!

I guess I can't argue.

They'll be here on Friday at 9:30.

[Laughing]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Yes!

Oh, my... ohh.

[Cell phone chimes]

[Over speakerphone]
Hey, Hank, it's Andy.

Hey, I just want to say thanks.

These pills already
have me feeling 100% better.

Good, good.
[Car revving over speakerphone]

Okay, I gotta go. Bye.

Man... think I sweat out like ten pounds

lugging that thing in here.

Andy said he always takes a water pill

before an escape.

Water comes in pills?

Dude, I'd swallow, like,


No, no, water pills are diuretics.

They make your body lose water.

Then I would not swallow any of them.

Evan, do you know where
the Wellerbings live?

Yeah, it's the biggest house
on Georgica Pond.

I've been trying to sign
those guys up with us

since last summer... why?

'Cause I need to get there now.

There's more to Andy's condition
than I realized.

He wasn't paralyzed by fear.

He was paralyzed by paralysis.

[Crowd cheering]

Now, now...

once I am securely locked
inside the crate,

Mr. Wellerbing will crush me

at 60 miles per hour

with his Aston Martin DBS,

one of the most expensive cars
in the world.

Now, Mr. Wellerbing,

you know that if this doesn't go well,

your car could get pretty messed up.

Are you sure you don't want to use

one of those cheap
Lamborghinis that you have?

[Chuckles]
No? All right.

How long do I have?

Zero to 60 in 4.7 seconds.

Mr. Wellerbing,
please take your position.

I need two volunteers. Two volunteers.

Ah, lovely lady in the back,
please come forward.

And you, miss,
would you please step forward?

If you don't mind opening the crate,

I would greatly appreciate it.
[Car revs]

Thank you very much.

Now...

I bid you adieu.

[Car engine revving]

All: Five!

Four!

Three! Two!

- One!
- Stop!

Stop the car!
[Tires screech]

[Cheers and applause]
Whew.

[Clatter]

Oh!

[Cheering continues]

You can't move, can you?

[Weakly]
Ta-da.

You took a water pill, didn't you?

Yeah.

What, now I'm gonna die?

No. This is temporary.

Your hyperthyroidism
combined with the dehydration

from the water pill
dropped your potassium so low,

you went into thyrotoxic
periodic paralysis.

So all those times I was feeling weak,

is this what was happening then too?

If I were a betting man,
I'd put money on it.

And didn't I tell you to stay
away from confinement tricks?

[Sighs]

Magic is my life, Hank.

I can't go back to selling
corrective insoles.

Damn it!

All that planning, all that rehearsal.

And I blew it.

What? Are you kidding me?

You did it half-paralyzed.

I mean, that's...
that's even more amazing.

No. No.

It didn't go as planned.

There was no big finish.

Just a bunch of broken glasses

and people that think I'm pathetic.

Oh, my God, I swear to God.

This is like high school again.

A... actually, in that waiter's outfit,

I don't think most people here
even know it's you.

Thank you.

You're honey and plastic wrap, right?

Actually, I go by Betty.

[Chuckles]

I've worked a lot of the same
parties out here as you,

and that was the coolest
illusion I've ever seen.

And not just of yours. Of... of anyone's.

Thanks, Betty.

I'm Andy.

I'd shake your hand, but I'm
kind of paralyzed right now.

Are you sure this is gonna wear off?

Positive.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I did not know that you were busy.

I'm not. Close the curtain.

You asked to see me?

How are your eyes?

- Good.
- Not you, Danny.

They're fine.

Top of this patient's chart,

what does it say
next to the word "physician"?

It says "Van d*ke."

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Dr. Van d*ke, I wasn't trying
to flout your authority.

- I was merely...
- Okay, this isn't a discussion.

So I don't need explanations, apologies,

or excuses.

You thought I missed
the ascites, didn't you?

- Yes.
- Well...

his presentation didn't warrant

immediate paracentesis.

What he needed was
a trip to the free clinic.

So... next time you get the urge

to go sticking needles into my patients,

consult me first.

I will.

Now... breaches of protocol aside,

his peritoneal fluid
came back from the lab

positive for SBP.

Spontaneous bacterial peritonitis.

He's been admitted.

Turns out, you probably saved his life.

Or, since my name's on his chart,

I did.

Danny, stop wiggling,

unless you want a crooked eyebrow.

So...

in spite of the ass-backward
way you went about it,

you made me look good,
and I'd like to say thank you.

Well, you are welcome...

I'd like to say thank you...

by buying you dinner.

So...

I'll let you know where and when.

You can go now.

Not you, Danny.

Almost done.

[Crash]
Whoa!

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, my...

It's you.

Yeah, it's me.

Ben Affleck.

Oh!

Isn't that crazy how... how, sometimes,

when you stop looking for something,

it just pops up in front of you?

I guess.

Right now, I'm just looking

for a little cowboy rub.

You're looking for what?

Yeah, that sounded weird.

It's, um, it's a spice blend.

I like it on my meat.

That sounded weird too.

It's, uh... look.

Grilly Man Cowboy Rub.

See? Not weird.

Cool.

So I'm... I'm really looking forward

- to our interview on Friday.
- What?

Um, our...

oh, do you not recognize me?

I'm Evan R. Lawson, the CFO
of Hankmed, from the DVD.

My brother and I, we're talking
on the show on Friday, 9:30.

He's the former E.R. doctor

turned house call physician to the rich

and not-so-rich.

Wait a minute.

Did you watch the DVD?

Can I be honest with you?

I don't have a clue
what you're talking about.

We don't have
a doctor interview on Friday.

This is baby animal week.

Al got the polar bears. I got turtles.

Ooh, turtles. That sucks, for both of us.

Listen, Matt... can I call you Matt?

- No.
- Mr. Lauer...

you wanna get out of this turtle thing?

I have a perfect replacement

that not only fits
into your occasional series

on the changing face
of health care in America,

but also features home video

of a brutal, multi-car accident

with a daring medical rescue at the end.

Evan, right?

Yes.

Evan, take a walk with me.

I need a little sugar.

Why does that keep happening?

I understand you've
regained some memories

from the night of the accident.

I have.

At the time,

I recalled smelling cigarette smoke.

So there was someone else there.

The driver who fled, presumably?

Mm, a second person.

- You saw them?
- No.

But I heard something that would
only really make sense

if one person were talking to another.

Which was?

Das ist die nicht.

"Das ist sie nicht"?

"It's not her."

So whoever that was was expecting to find

someone else in your car.

Hmm.

So your theory, then,

is that these persons

deliberately created an accident

to get to Marisa?

Yes.

The smoke you smelled,

could it not have been a damaged engine?

I don't think so, but...

What does your therapist
say about all of this?

You know I'm seeing a therapist?

You're a member of the medical community.

You sustained head trauma. I assumed.

Right.

I'm sorry, what did you ask?

If your therapist feels
these are memories

rather than fabrications?

Are you saying that you think
that I'm imagining all of this?

Well, I think...

our minds seek to order
and explain our experiences...

to give reason to events

which otherwise would seem
random and meaningless.

Well, if that's the case,

then I have wasted your time
and the police's.

The police?

What did they think of your theory?

They said they'd look into it.

- Boris, I'm sorry if I've...
- Please, don't be.

You were concerned
for someone else's safety.

To allay any lingering fears you my have,

I'll share your concern
with Galil, my security chief.

Okay.

Thank you for your time.

Of course.

Take care of yourself.

[Softly]
Thank you.

Dieter.

Find Marisa, find my son,

and get me Galil.

[Speaks german]

[Glass clanks on table]

Andy?

[Rattling]

Hang on, Andy!

I'm gonna open the safety latch!

[Muffled]
Hank! Just...

- Hank!
- Calm down!

What are you... what are you doing here?

Oh... you're okay.

Yeah.

I... I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd check up on you,

take your blood pressure,

see how the medication's working.

Yeah, great, great.

I'm fine.

Good, so no att*cks, no cramping,

no heart issues?

Nope. Nope.

Okay, what about muscle weakness?

Uh...
[Woman giggles]

Is there another person in there?

No.

[Both laugh]
No, I...

I do a little, uh, ventriloquism.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

No, he doesn't.

Oh! Hello.

[Giggling] - Hi.
- Betty, right?

Right, uh, Betty's my new assistant.

I figured if I ever got trapped again,

it would be good to have one.

You know, for safety.

- Right!
- Right.

Although, in that instance,

one of you might want to stay
outside the crate.

You know, for safety.

Yeah! Good idea.

[Laughing]
Yeah.

Okay.
[All laughing]

[Humming]
Where have you been?

I got you up over an hour ago.

What are you doing?

Just tell me you read the note cards

I left on your desk.

Of course I read them.

- I need coffee.
- Good, get it.

Dr. Lawson, Noelle Cook,
segment producer.

Here's coffee.

Let's get you miked and powdered.

Uh, wow. Thank you.

Everyone looks so professional

and so old.

[Chuckles]
And good morning to you too.

No, no, no. No, I'm sorry.

I just meant, uh...

[Mumbling indistinctly]

Oh, never mind.
Right, right. That was great.

Hey Noelle, uh, should I have
worn a tie, do you think?

Would that have said CFO more?

I'm sure you'll say it plenty
without a tie.

- That's... heh.
- You're up next.

So take a seat.

Just relax.

- Yeah.
- Have fun.

- Yes, fun.
- You'll be great.

That's great. Okay, uh...

Let's do this.

♪ The Today Show ♪

Ahh!

Mm!

These guys are brothers.

Is that it? Okay.

Which town are they in?

Evan, that's The Today Show.

- Thank you.
- Yes, Hank.

Yes, it is.

But... how... how... what... what...

what's going on?

Uh, you mean why
is The Today Show actually here

as opposed to some slipshod
prank you cooked up?

Yes.

Funny story about that.

I, uh, I ran into Matt Lauer
at Citarella.

And we got to talking about the DVD

and the Jitney crash,

and I realized that you
were totally shining me on.

Fortunately, Matt enjoys
a good practical joke,

also thought that we'd
make a good interview.

Thus allowing me not only
to promote our business,

but also to exact my revenge upon you.

- Heh.
- So two birds...

One Today Show sized stone.

[Gulps]

I don't like this.

And we're on in five...

- All right.
- Four...

Three...

We're joined now by Hank and Evan Lawson,

two brothers from Passaic, New Jersey,

who run a concierge medical practice

out in the exclusive Hamptons.

Guys, good morning to both of you.

Good morning to you, Matt!

Uh, thanks a lot for having us.

Yes, for having us.

Well, thanks for being here.

So tell us exactly
what is a concierge doctor?

Ah, yes.

Uh, concierge...

- Camera's right there.
- Camera's right there.

Uh, doctors, are, by and large, people.

Basically, it's a private
medical practice in which...

It's a private medical practice.

- ...uh, we come to you...
- Come to you...

...whenever and wherever you need us.

Wherever you need us. You need us.

Let's go to some recent footage, guys.

This is you two in action,

and you're responding
to a traffic accident out there.

Let's take a look.

- Good.
- Very good.

That's good.

- I can't do this.
- Yes, you...

you agreed to do this.

Yeah, because I never
thought it would happen.

I... I don't know what to say.

Just stick to the talking points.

What talking points?

- On the note cards you read.
- I...

- That you didn't read.
- No.

- Here, take mine.
- Okay.

Read them really quick, right here.

Just read some right now.

Just memorize a couple of them.

- Okay.
- Please, quick.

We have become... we're... okay.

It's ok... it's fine.
Just take a deep breath.

- Hank, it's okay, all right?
- Okay.

- Okay. Okay.
- It's all right.

That, I have to say,
is, uh, pretty impressive stuff.

So, Dr. Lawson, let me ask you,

how would you say your life
has changed since then?

It cha... well, um...

[whispering]
Just read the cards.

- How did that, uh...
- Just read.

- These... I don't know.
- Just say something.

Uh, there... there... uh...

- Ah, umm. Aaah.
- You know, Matt,

the business has definitely changed.

We haven't changed that much at all.

We're still the same patient-focused

private practice that we've always been.

- ...Private practice that we've always been.
- And... and we're just...

- we're more popular.
- Yeah, we're more popular.

- Yeah.
- More popular.

In a day, an age when we go to the doctor

and sometimes we feel
more like numbers than people,

I have to say it's nice
to see that you guys

are flipping that on its head.

- We are. We are. We are.
- Yeah.

And, you know what?
We're really flipping...

good.

Yeah, we're f... flipping good.

That sounds like a new catchphrase.

So, um, Hank and Evan,
we'll stop it there.

Thank you for joining us.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Brian.

[Sighs]
And we're clear.

Who's Brian?

That's Brian.

Hank, no, that's Matt Lauer!

[Whimpers]
That's Matt Lauer.

Hank, what the...
what... what just happened?

I don't know! I got... so I got...

I got a little...
I got a little... nervous.

You got a little ner... look at you!

Dude, you're melting!

Yeah, maybe that's because
you just sprang

a nationally televised
live interview on me!

Oh, that... that wasn't live.

We were pre-taping to use
at some point in the future.

- What?
- What? Wait, wait.

So no one... no one saw that.

Nope!

And to be totally honest with you,

I'm not super-sure that anyone ever will.

[Softly]
You promise?

Okay, so at the risk
of stealing your motto...

I have a confession to make.

[Crunching]

I am terrified of public speaking.

You don't say?

Ever since my ninth grade
production of The Wizard Of Oz.

Oh, when you played the scarecrow.

And forgot all the words

to If I Only Had A Brain.

Yes, I remember that.

I do. It was very ironic.

It's hard to imagine something

more embarrassing than that.

[Crunching]
These pretzels are so good.

I told you.

So can we just...

get something straight.

Just wanna understand something.

Cutting people open... that's easy.

Right?

Talking... scary to the point of

sweating out half your body weight?

What can I say?

I'm more at home one on one

than I am in front of an audience.

You're being really honest about it.

It's making it really hard
for me to gloat.

Just please, don't ever
make me do that again.

Believe me, had I known,

it never would have happened.

Really?

You'd have passed up The Today Show?

What? No, I wouldn't have passed it up.

I just wouldn't have allowed you

and your amazing waterfall
armpits near the camera.

That's all.

Look, I only agreed to do it

because I never believed
you could make it happen.

Yeah, you pretty much
don't believe anything

I say I can do.

It's funny.

You're right.

Hmm?

You're right.

You talk and I roll my eyes

at your ideas, your dreams,

and your schemes,

just because they're yours
and I think you're crazy.

Hmm.

Only now I realize you're not just crazy,

you're fearless.

I just don't give up
when I know what I want.

Not the first time, anyway.

Which is why, in spite
of your objections, Henry,

Hankmed must expand.

Look, I know that's your plan.

But what if it's not my plan?

What if I'm comfortable
the way things are?

Um, the way I remember it,

you were comfortable back in Brooklyn

in your boxer shorts,

watching Jerry Springer reruns,

drinking beer at 10:00 in the morning.

You sure as heck didn't plan to
be a concierge doctor, either.

Or to live here.

Or to call it Hankmed, even.

That was all me, Henry.

That's true.

Okay. Okay.

This round goes to you.

Hmm.

But...

our battle isn't over.

Bring it.

You're not turning this
into "McMedicine."

Fine.

How 'bout Medbucks?

- Okay.
- Hank-Mart? Doc In The Box?

Look, Henr... all I want to do
is add one doctor.

One doctor to expand our service area.

That's it.

But...

eventually...

[Knock on door]

Hi. We're here from The Today Show.

Hi.