02x05 - Mally's

[bunniefuu]

Oh, no. Guys, what is this?

Ugh, I told you potato people

that we're not celebrating
Molly's birthday today.

How many Kn*fe emojis
do I have to email you

- until you understand how serious this is?
- Okay. Thank you, Nicholas.

Guys, my last birthday was
the worst day of my life.

So I decided this year I
am not going to celebrate.

Well, it wasn't me. I
love complying with emails.

Yeah, coz, not us. I didn't even
realize today was your birthday.

But knowing you're a Gemini

explains a lot of the
problems I have with you.

Well, then who is this from?

I'm not sure, but we need to
get in there so we can, you know,

get some work done in
our workplace. [CHUCKLES]

Unless it's a b*mb. Someone
needs to go in there first.

Uh, I guess we should send
in our least valuable person.

Say no more.

I'm going in.

[DOORS OPEN]

[MOLLY GASPS]

What the hell is going on?

"Open me."

What the f*ck is this?

- [GASPS]
- Happy birthday, beautiful.

Oh, for f*ck's sake. What an assh*le.

[CHUCKLES] I know, right? I wish
I could be there with you too.

But, as you know, I am in training
for my upcoming trip to space.

[CHUCKLES] It's not technically space.

It's just really high. Upper exosphere.

You know, I couldn't help but remember

the first time we
celebrated your birthday.

When we drank too much
soju. Did karaoke all night.

We sang a certain little
song I think you'll remember.

["A WHOLE NEW WORLD" PLAYING]

♪ I can show you the world ♪

Take it, Molly.

♪ Tell me, Princess ♪

♪ Now when did you last
let your heart decide? ♪

♪ I can open your eyes ♪

[SIGHS]

- ♪ Over, sideways and under ♪
- Oh, my God. It's still going on.

♪ On a magic carpet ride ♪

♪ A whole new world ♪

♪ A new fantastic point of view ♪

♪ No one to tell us no ♪
♪ Or where to go ♪

- ♪ Or say we're only dreaming ♪
- Okay, stop. Stop singing. Stop singing.

- ♪ A whole new wor... ♪
- Stop sing... Stop singing!

- Please. Stop singing.
- [HOWARD STAMMERS] I'm sorry.

I can't leave Prince
Ali hanging like that.

Okay, someone clear
this crap out of here.

Let's just forget that it's my birthday.

I'm going to my office
to start my workday.

Nicholas, bring me my nap
pillow and my eye mask.

[STAMMERS] Did you wanna do another one?

Do you know "The Boy Is Mine"?

- John, please play "The Boy Is Mine."
- It's not a f*cking Siri, Ainsley.

[HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING]

[SONG ENDS]

- [MOLLY] Hey.
- I thought you might be hungry,

so I brought you what are 100%,

definitely not, in no
way birthday Cheez-Its.

Hmm, thank you.

I hope I wasn't acting
too insane earlier.

No. On the one-year anniversary
of my split, I lost it.

I've cleansed myself of everything
John, except for one last thing.

The megayacht.

Oh, are you gonna get rid of that too?

Well, the yacht symbolizes everything
that was wrong with my marriage.

It wasn't a gift for me. It was
an excuse for John to show everyone

he could buy the biggest
boat in the world.

Men, we are childish but
also violent and stupid.

The good news is I have a buyer.

So, I was wondering if you could
help me look over the final contract?

It's pretty complicated. Slip
fees and tax contingencies.

You had me at "it's pretty complicated."
I am in. So who's our target?

It's this Swedish billionaire Emil.

Our luxury boxes were next to each
other at the Monaco Grand Prix.

Oh, what year was that? I
might have just missed you.

Okay, funny guy. If
you're gonna come with me,

there's gonna be a lot
of rich-people talk.

So you're gonna have to
keep the 'tude in check.

Hey, ladies love a
rude dude with a 'tude.

[CHUCKLES] I will not
say that at the meeting.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah, I felt that. Yep. Okay.

Take a clipboard, everyone. We
have important work to do today.

Ooh, a clipboard.

I feel so powerful. I persisted.

What we're doing today is...
[CHUCKLES] ... fieldwork.

Knocking on doors, shaking
hands, listening to the people.

Ugh, meeting a bunch of weird randos,

watching their gross
mouths tell boring stories

- about their dumb lives. Pass.
- It's not optional.

The Space for Everyone
hotel is almost complete.

We need the community on our side,

so we're gonna visit local businesses

and ask them to sign
statements of support.

I dusted off Marlene. She's been
with me since Obama's Senate run.

Well, I love going door-to-door.

The variety of white people's
reactions to me at their doorstep?

- Highly entertaining.
- Oh, I hear you.

When I wander into their yards,
white people also get real weird.

[NICHOLAS] I'm so sorry.

I still don't understand why you
want me to be involved in this.

I mean, surely I'm too
hot to be out there...

Oh, you want me out
there because I'm hot.

Makes sense.

Very smart.

- You are a good leader.
- [HOWARD] Mm-hmm.

[BOAT HORN HONKS]

[SEAL BARKS]

[ARTHUR] It is kind
of beautiful, isn't it?

Yes, it is. [SIGHS]
Hard to argue with that.

Hey, when you have to go to
the bathroom on a megayacht,

does it go straight into the ocean

or is it a get-rid-of-it-
later-type situation?

- Wow, that's a great question.
- [CHUCKLES]

Um, I wasn't in charge
of the sewage on the boat.

I asked to be, but they said no.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah, it was really disappointing.

- [ARTHUR CHUCKLES]
- Totally.

- Molly.
- Ah, Emil!

[IN SWEDISH] How is
your little boy's penis?

[IN ENGLISH] Ah...
[CHUCKLES] ... Molly, so cute.

You still know just enough
Swedish to be confusing.

- Isn't that cute, Bjarke?
- Ja.

That's enough, Bjarke.

In Sweden children are
meant to be seen, not heard.

Oh, is... is he a child?

I'm 12.

And who is your friend?
He's so handsome.

You look Swedish.

Oh, I-I'm not Swedish. Uh,
pretty diverse background though.

Uh, Irish, Scottish, English
and a little bit of Welsh.

I wonder how they all got
together, right? [CHUCKLES]

You are funny. I want to
make a wig out of your hair.

- Um, so, how exciting is today, huh?
- Mmm.

Let's just sign those contracts,
and the boat's all yours.

I apologize, Molly, but I feel I
need to walk through one more time.

[SIGHS] Emil, forgive me,

but you've walked through
four times already.

But I was not in my little blue suit.

[CHUCKLES] I never want to
be clashing with anything.

Sure. I... [STAMMERS]

- I understand it's a big decision.
- Ja.

Um, all right. We'll wait.

Should not be long. Maybe
just a couple hours, hmm?

Oh, enjoy Long Beach. Many
interesting smells here. Hmm.

- Oh.
- Go.

Bjarke, walk in front of me.
I don't like American wind.

Make yourself bigger,
so I don't feel it.

[SIGHING] Oh, God.

I was really, really looking
forward to getting this over with.

Hey, you know, there's
a mall down the street.

We could k*ll some time there.

A mall? Wow, really?

Yeah.

I haven't been to a
mall in, like, 20 years.

Oh, well then we're definitely going.

Come on, we'll get
our steps in. Let's go.

Well, I've already got .2 miles.
That's actually a record for me.

Come on.

Okay, fine. [SIGHS]

Okay, team, let's split up.

I thought we could make it a competition,
see who gets more signatures.

[STAMMERS] That's a
motivation tactic I learned

from a guy named David Axelrod.

No one knows who that is.

Oh, it's the guy who smashed
watermelons with a sledgehammer.

Oh, that's not all he smashed.

[GASPS] I have an idea. What if
the teams were boys versus girls?

Every event at my church
is boys versus girls.

Ainsley, what type of
weird-ass church do you go to?

It's not weird. It's just the
Church of the Nine on Wilshire.

The nine what?

I don't know. That's what
I'm trying to find out.

I really like that idea, Ainsley.

Okay, let's get started.

And you know what? Winner
gets free ice cream on me.

What? Did you know I was
just thinking about ice cream?

I mean, I haven't had
any since this morning.

Yeah, I haven't had ice cream since
I started dieting at age seven,

but I do like to win

because it is the only way to
get people to like you. So I'm in.

We got this.

Oh, you guys don't stand a chance.

May the best team win.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay. That's us.

[CHATTERING]

- Wow, I'm having major flashbacks.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

[GASPS] Oh, my God, Claire's.

Oh, I got so many rashes
from their jewelry.

- [CHUCKLES] Yes.
- Aw, and Things Remembered.

I always wanted one of those
engraved photo frames from there.

Oh, why didn't you get one?

Are you kidding? Those
things cost, like, 30 bucks.

Do you know how many chokers from
Claire's you could get with that?

God, isn't it comforting
how malls are all the same?

- Yes.
- You know, the lighting, the kiosks...

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- ... the packs of teens causing trouble.

Yeah. You know, I used
to be one of those teens.

What? No way.

- I was a real rabble-rouser.
- Oh, yeah?

I got kicked out of my
local mall three times.

- [CHUCKLES] For what?
- [SIGHS] All sorts of messed-up stuff.

Once, I ran up the down escalator.

- Oh, sweet, innocent Arthur? No way.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

Well, Cindy Nguyen was the
hottest girl in jazz band,

and she only went for the bad
boys. So I had to serve it up.

- And that worked?
- Yeah, absolutely. Women love a rebel.

[GASPS] Ooh, look at these.
I love this jeweled one.

And is... is this one a Warhol?

That's Chucky.

Well, he's a very powerful
artist. It's very moving.

Molly! Check it out.

[MOLLY] Oh! [LAUGHS]

- What are you doing?
- I told you!

I'm a regular Arthur Fonzarelli.

Sir, I need you to step
away from the escalator

and sit on the bench right now.

Oh, I'm s-so sorry. No, I didn't...
didn't, um... Got it. Okay.

Oh, sh*t.

This should be easy. I used to live

in this neighborhood in my early 20s,

and I was practically the mayor.

A mayor who did a sh*t ton of K

and lived with five subpar
drag queens, but still.

I do not relate to your life,
but I love how colorful it is.

Oh, hey, I know this
guy. He's my friend Andy.

I'm sorry. What the hell do
you think you're doing here?

Um, collecting signatures
for a housing development.

- It's for poor people, but they're nice.
- Are you f*cking kidding me right now?

Um, sorry, am I missing something here?

Yeah, Nicholas and I dated.

And then he just completely ghosted
me the same week my dog d*ed.

Okay, you're being a
little dramatic right now.

We were pretty serious
for, like, six months.

And then one day you wouldn't
answer my texts or my calls.

- Mmm.
- I thought something happened to you.

I mean, I wouldn't say pretty serious.

We were sleeping with
other people the whole time.

- I wasn't!
- [NICHOLAS, HOWARD] Oh.

[SCOFFS]

[STAMMERS] "Dear neighbor,

Space for Everyone is a dynamic
housing solution for people in need"...

Okay. Both of you, get out.

Get out!

Hey, listen. I'm so sorry
about what happened back there.

That guy was crazy. I
don't know what his deal is.

- Total stalker vibes.
- Mm-hmm.

- How dare you come into my juice bar?
- Oh, Jesus.

Seriously?

Hey, you. [STAMMERS]
How are you, Daniel?

- It's Devon.
- Okay.

Well, we don't have
to be nerds about it.

We were supposed to
go to Hawaii together,

and then you didn't
show up at the airport.

- And you never answered your phone again.
- Oh, come on.

Are you still upset about that?

Of course I am. I was gonna
introduce you to my mother,

and then you just disappeared.

- And now she still doesn't believe that I'm gay.
- Really?

Hey, um, is there any world

where you could see yourself
signing this statement?

You know what? By the look on your face,

I can tell it's a no.
You have a good day.

Never come back in here.

- Oh, my God, Darren. It's not that bad...
- For the love of God, it's Devon!

[JUICER WHIRRING]

Oh, okay.

I'm pretty sure that's
supposed to be your dong.

- Ah, I get that. Let's get out of here.
- Mm-hmm.

My friend, you are very lucky
you got off with just a warning.

[CHUCKLES] That security guard said

that escalators are the third
leading cause of death in California.

Does that seem right?

[CHUCKLES] I don't know.

- I love it here. God, I love a food court.
- Mm-hmm.

- Classic America.
- Mm-hmm.

- Diverse. Open to all. Fattening.
- Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES] I know. It's a shame
kids don't come here anymore.

[CHUCKLES]

Today was a lot of fun.

Mm-hmm.

I feel like we haven't had a
chance to hang out like we used to.

Well, it's been a crazy year for
all of us. I mean, especially you.

I guess I've just been
sensitive about stuff lately.

Feel like I really messed up in Corsica

with that whole John thing, you know.

Weren't you and I talking right
before his helicopter swooped in?

Yep. [CHUCKLES] I remember.

Ugh, that night was such a mistake.

I just hope people
don't think less of me.

No. They don't.

Divorces are messy.
Everybody knows that.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm positive.

You should not doubt yourself.

People love you.

You're so cool. You're easy to talk to.

You're funny.

You're perfect. [CHUCKLES]

You know, like all women are perfect.

[CLEARS THROAT] And they're strong.

And, you know, they slay
the... the house down.

Thank you. On behalf
of all women. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna go
throw away these Cinnabons

- before the sugar high kills us both.
- Great idea.

- Look at my hand. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

[ARTHUR] No, after you, please.

Yeah. Oh, here. I got it.
I got it. Yes. Absolutely.

Please. It's fine. Absolutely.

- Yes. You as well.
- [PHONE BUZZING]

Hi, Emil.

[STAMMERS] Molly. Thank
you for your patience.

I have good news. No more
inspections. I'm taking the yacht.

I've signed the contracts, and
I'll have them over right away.

Oh, wow, that is great
news. Thank you, Emil.

I'm... I'm... I'm glad we
could finally work this out.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Me too.

Hang up, hang up. Ooh, a seal.

- Get your knives.
- Ja.

Was that Emil?

Yes. This is crazy.

He said he needs a few more hours

on the yacht before
signing the contract.

- [SCOFFS]
- Oh. What a turkey.

Total turkey.

So, I don't know.

I guess... I guess we got a few
more hours to k*ll. [CHUCKLES]

Where to first?

I've always wanted to go to a Hot
Topic, but I've been too scared.

Ooh.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

We already have 63 signatures.

Well, 62. One person
signed as Jeremy Penis.

Unless, that really was Jeremy Penis.

Feels so good to be back
out on these streets.

The rush you get when someone says,
"Sure, fine, whatever. I'll sign."

- [CHUCKLES] Nothing beats it.
- No.

- And how is Team Boys doing?
- Oh, we're doing excellently. Thank you.

You know, a couple of
kinks, but we'll be fine.

Good. Get back to work.

It seems like you've
got some catch-up to do.

- [CHUCKLES]
- It's not a competition.

It literally is.

Because the winner gets ice
cream. Cold and yummy. Brrr.

Why are you being like
this today, Ainsley?

[CHUCKLING] Later.

- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
- [RHONDA] I'm going in.

Okay. We have got to pick it up here.

Are you going to cause
us any more problems?

It'll be fine. Let's just get going.

Oh, w-w-wait. Maybe not
this store because... Um, no.

You and I need to have a talk.

Look, of course I want the ice cream.

But I feel like there's
a bigger problem here.

Those guys were very upset.

Ugh, whatever. It's not my fault

that people are obsessed with me, okay?

Does a gazelle get mad at a
lion for eating another gazelle?

No. In the sexual ecosystem, there
are predators and there are prey.

Are you calling yourself
a sexual predator?

That's what gay dating is all about.

We annihilate each other
emotionally and then move it along.

I think that's just an excuse.

I know that deep down
under that 0% body fat

is a very caring Nicky Bear

that knows he hurt those guys.

- I don't know. I guess.
- Mm-hmm.

- Don't call me Nicky Bear.
- Okay.

But I think we both
know what you need to do.

You need to go in there and apologize.

Ugh, I knew you'd use the A-word.

It'll make you feel better.
There's power in vulnerability.

And there is sexiness in detachment.

And there is deliciousness in ice cream.

All right. Fine. But only because
I don't want Ainsley to win.

- Sir. You called for a cab?
- [COW MOOS]

I'm here to take you to Express Men.

[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry. This
is a cow. I requested a zebra.

Yes. The zebra d*ed. It
drank a bad Orange Julius.

So this is all we've got.

Okay. Well, you'll have to
give me a discount for that.

Hey, those rides are
for children. You again?

Ma'am, I'ma need you to
please disembark from the cow.

No way, man.

Come on, let's scatter. Hop on!

- Go, go, go, go.
- Bye.

- [CHUCKLING] I'm trying.
- [CHUCKLES] Floor it!

See you, sucker.

- He's right behind me.
- [MOLLY] He is? Is he walking or running?

- [ARTHUR] Uh, he's walking slowly.
- [COW MOOS]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Excuse me, just one second.

No. No, no, no. No.

Hey, Andy, please. Please,
just give us a chance here.

Nicholas has something
important he needs to say to you.

Okay, fine.

I just wanted to say I'm
really sorry for ghosting you.

You didn't deserve that. You...
You didn't do anything wrong.

You were a great guy,
and it is all my fault.

Mm-hmm.

The truth is, I really did like you.

And I think that's where the
problem is, because I got scared.

And so I think I
preemptively broke up with you

so I wouldn't have to
face the fear of rejection.

- Which is in many ways the fear of death.
- Mmm.

You know what? I think this
all started with my grandfather.

He was the only person in my
life who truly understood me.

So it was really hard when I
watched him fall through that ice.

Okay, I think we can wrap this up here.

He froze to death obviously.
And so did I, emotionally.

And you know what the crazy thing is?

I lost my virginity that same day.

So now whenever I see
an old, bald white man,

I get this incredible sense of
loss mixed with horniness and...

[STAMMERS] I think we might
be done here. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, Andy, could you sign this for us?

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you, Andy.

You were right. I do feel
pretty good. I feel lighter.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
it started off great.

Got a little global, but
we'll keep working on it.

- How can you just be texting right now?
- Hmm?

- Aren't you worried?
- No, it's gonna be fine.

Molly, we're in the back office.

What happened to that rebel I
saw running up the down escalator?

He grew up, and he has a daughter

he wants to see graduate
from high school.

Ms. Wells, I am so,
so sorry this happened.

[STAMMERS] Obviously, you're free to go.

Can we get you a ride home?

Oh, no, no, not at all. Thank
you, Thomas. That will be fine.

We will see ourselves out.

Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

Okay. Who is that guy?
What just happened?

Well, we are not in trouble anymore.

Everything has been resolved
because I bought the mall.

What?

This is all mine.

You can just... Wait, can you do that?

Yeah. I mean, malls aren't
doing so great right now.

So everyone is very happy.

[CHUCKLES] That's incredible.

Do you get to rename it?

- Hmm.
- Oh, my gosh. Could we live here?

Well, I'm not going to live here.

But I am gonna renovate it
and keep everyone here working,

because we need malls. They're awesome.

- You know what you could rename it?
- Hmm?

Mally's.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Aw.
We're not gonna do that.

Okay. Maybe it's just the way I said it.

Wow.

Okay, it's getting late.
I think we should call it.

On the count of three, let's
say how many signatures we got.

One, two, three.

- Three hundred and nine.
- One.

Excuse me, did you just say "one"?

Oh, you heard correctly.

But we accomplished
something much more important.

You see, Nicholas here learned
about himself and grew as a person.

And isn't that what this
whole thing was really about?

Not at all. Ladies, ice cream's on me.

- Ah!
- Oh, no. Come on, Sofia. That's cruel.

[SIGHS] Okay. You
guys get ice cream too.

But I want you to know
this is a pity ice cream

that's coming in a cup without toppings.

I can live with that.

Wow. What's with all the ice cream?

Oh, this is not ice
cream for your birthday.

No. This is ice cream because we
all did equally well at canvassing.

That's not true.

[STAMMERS] Where have
you two been all day?

Well, first, I sold the yacht,
and then I purchased a mall.

- Oh, that's fun.
- [SOFIA] Mmm.

We met somebody named Jeremy Penis.

Oh, okay. Well, sounds like
we all had a pretty good day.

You know, maybe we should
do something for my birthday.

We're all here together. It
could just be something small.

Yes! I knew you'd come around.

That is why I didn't
cancel my backup plan.

Luxury box seats at Caesars. We are
seeing Mariah Carey live in Vegas.

- Take those ice creams to go, people.
- [HOWARD] You heard the man.

Now, this cup's looking good
now, isn't it, cone people?

Enjoy dripping on yourselves.

["FANTASY" PLAYING]

- Hey. You coming?
- [ARTHUR SIGHS]

As much as I would
love to go see Mariah,

I have to pick up my daughter.

[SIGHS] Of course. I understand.

Oh, uh, one more thing.

When we were back at the mall,

I may have snuck off and gotten
you something at Things Remembered.

I assumed the guy behind the
counter knew how to spell Molly

- and I was wrong.
- [CHUCKLES]

[ARTHUR CHUCKLES]

I love it. Thank you.

Mm-hmm. Have fun in Vegas. And I
hope you have an awesome birthday.

I already did. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Hey. What are you doing? We got
three hours before the concert,

and I need at least an hour to get
down to my goal weight for Mimi.

- We gotta go.
- [SIGHS] Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

["EMOTIONS" PLAYING]