07x09 - A Fancy Article and a Scholarship for a Baby

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on Young Sheldon...
- Hello.

I'm here for tutoring with Sheldon.

Oh, he's helping you? Isn't that nice?

I'm tutoring him.

Come on. I just gave you a hint.

We solve for the geodesics.

- Wrong.
- Ow!

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

- What?
- Sorry,

just a funny part of the Bible.

MARY: Oh, Shelly,

you got a package from
your little friend.

Dr. Sturgis sent me something?
He's so cute.

No, your tutor friend from Germany.

Mei-Tung was not my tutor,
she just assisted me

in learning things
I didn't understand yet.

What'd you get?

It's the latest issue

of the International Physics Review.

"Sheldon, check out page 58.

"I never thought I'd be published

in such a prestigious journal."

Wow, good for her.

Good for her? What kind
of monster sends mail

across multiple time zones just
to rub their success in my face?

Indulging the ramblings of a child.

My respect for this esteemed
journal is plummeting.

Oh, my.

- _
- MARY: What is it?

It's the paper I wrote with Mei-Tung.

I'm the coauthor of an article

in a highly esteemed physics journal.

- Well, that's neat, Sheldon.
- Neat is a robot

that doesn't look like a truck
that turns into a truck.

This treatise revolutionizes
the theory of manifolds.

What word would you like me to use?

How about... transformative?

Sheldon, that's transformative.

Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hey, how was school?

Good. I got an "A."

- That's amazing!
- She gets an "amazing"?

All-all she did was
color inside the lines.

- She tell you?
- Yes, so great.

Dad, I got published in
International Physics Review.

- Nice, buddy.
- [PATS BACK]

Ooh, new boat catalog.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

MEEMAW: An "A"?

That's nice, sweetie.

It's Medford from the year I was born.

Aren't we going a little overboard
with this "A" thing?

Hey, some of us never got an "A."

Really? Not even one?

If only they graded lunch.

I'll have you know, I love my body.

- [CHUCKLES]
- MARY: Shelly, tell your meemaw

about your fancy article.

Gladly. As an alternative
to the Calabi-Yau manifold,

we've come up with a new shape

to compactify the extra
dimensions in string theory.

Well... hot dog.

Hot dog?

Maybe explain it a little more simply.

She means dumb it down.

Hey. But, yeah.

You know how a Möbius strip
generalized to the third dimension

- is a Klein bottle?
- Dumber.

A Möbius strip is a
two-dimensional manifold

- that's embedded in...
- Dumber.

- Do you know what a square is?
- Yes.

- Cube?
- Of course.

Then you know what a C-8 octachoron is.

And for your information,
I've lost a little weight.

You got to eat them Cheerios,
they're good for you.

You can tell 'cause there
ain't no cartoon on the box.

Now, Cocoa Puffs got that bird on 'em,

and he's cuckoo for 'em.

Maybe she'd like some bananas
or some applesauce?

- She don't like none of that.
- Any of that.

- Any of what?
- She doesn't like any of that.

That's what I said.

No, you said, "She don't
like none of that."

We're sayin' the same thang.

No, we're saying the same thing.

Exactly.

- And we aren't.
- We ain't?

I just think you may want to
try speaking more properly

in front of your daughter.

Ain't nothin' wrong with the way I talk.

Lotta people talk like me.

True, but maybe CeeCee will have
better opportunities in life

if she's well-spoken.

She don't even talk yet.

No, she doesn't. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

But she's listening and she's learning,

and we don't want her
first word to be "dang it."

Better that than whatever the
snooty version of "dang it" is.

It's "darn it."

Dang it, I knew that.

Remarkable work. Well done, lad.

Yes, first paper published at 14.

Oh. You're officially a wunderkind.

Did you catch my sly
in-joke about a tesseract?

- Did I?
- I did.

- Did you?
- [QUIETLY]: I don't know.

It's refreshing to talk to people
who appreciate my work.

Appreciate it, understand it,

- and are inspired by it.
- Ditto, ditto and ditto.

And I'm sure your family is very proud.

Yes, but not just me.

Childish maps, impregnating
a woman out of wedlock...

they're proud of all their kids.

The important thing is,
that kid belongs to us.

He is our cash cow.

Okay.

Explain this to me so I sound like
I know what I'm talking about

when I shake the donor tree.

Well, young Mr. Cooper has
reimagined string theory.

And compactified dimensions
like nobody's business.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You don't understand this, do you?

- No.
- Not really.

I mean, we get what he's trying to do.

- Absolutely.
- No, we don't really understand it.

- Not a bit.
- So two of the top minds

at our school are flummoxed
by a 14-year-old.

Well, "flummoxed" is a strong word.

- But accurate.
- Accurate.

Mm-hmm. Okay, maybe
I can sell this by saying

that this is so advanced

that even other brilliant scientists

don't understand it.

- Sexy.
- [GROWLS]

Don't do that.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? This is she.

- Oh, really?
- Who is it?

If it's a guy about a boat, hang up.

One moment, please. It's Princeton.

They want to talk about
Sheldon going to grad school.

Ooh, what are they offering?

- I don't know.
- Full-ride?

- I said I don't know.
- Well, ask 'em.

I will if you'll shut up.

Okay, but I wouldn't use that tone.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

I'll get it. Remember, cash is king.

Well, howdy.

Is this the Cooper residence?

- It is.
- Phil Lambert,

Stanford University.

I was just passing through Medford

and I would love to talk to
you about your son's future.

Come on in, Phil.

Hey, Mare,

tell Princeton,
Stanford's passing through.

Well, thanks for stopping by.

Well, I was kind of hoping
I could meet Sheldon.

All in good time. We still got
to whip some of the lumps

out of that offer of yours.
We'll be in touch.

[STAMMERS] Okay.

Whip some of the lumps?

Point is, Sheldon's gobbledygook article

got us a bidding w*r.

George, what do you know
about grad school?

Nothing, but I do know about
recruiting blue chip talent.

These schools want him, and we got him.

He's not a prize heifer to auction off.

Mary, we got two average kids.

Let's cash in on the smart one.

Do you think I talk funny?

What'd my mom say?

Just that I should speak more proper.

You're fine, and she should
mind her own business.

Thanks, 'cause she's all worried
CeeCee's gonna sound like me.

Oh.

- What?
- Nothing.

You know, when I was a weather girl,

I took some speech classes,

and they really seemed to help.

Did you used to sound like me?

Oh, sweetie, no. [LAUGHS]

Incoming, nine o'clock.

Well, I hope you two are happy.

Sheldon is being recruited
by Princeton, by Stanford,

MIT, Caltech.

We are losing him, and
you two have done nothing.

What can we do? Those are some
of the best schools in the world.

We have a wonderful graduate
program for physics.

Actually...

You're the chair of the department.

Yes, and the program
is far from wonderful.

That said,

our animal husbandry
department is first-rate.

Fine. [SIGHS]

We have other cards to play. Uh...

we're near his family,
and he loves you two...

God knows why...

and most importantly, he hates change.

I changed deodorants once.
He made me change it back.

Apparently, I smelled too outdoorsy.

All right, look, we-we've
been catering to Sheldon

and his family for years,
so let's take advantage

of what we know and use it to keep him

at East Texas Tech.

His mother is very religious.

Someone might mention
Caltech was founded

by a Satanist.

Good, good. Wait-wait, is that true?

Actually, I don't care. We're using it.

- It is true.
- And again, I don't care.

So, what else we got?

Eh, with all the freeways
and traffic in California,

- he's gonna need a car.
- George, he's 14.

Right. He's gonna need
a car and a driver.

We can arrange that.

So, what do you say?

Stephen Hawking and Sheldon
Cooper together at Caltech?

It's very promising.

And of course, some of our
alumni include John Kennedy,

Franklin Roosevelt,

newly appointed Supreme Court Justice

Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

That's an awful lot of Democrats.

Although Harvard did have
some impressive alumni.

Bunch of presidents

- and that gal on the court.
- Mm-hmm.

I thought U.T. was burnt orange?

Oh, no, that's the University of Texas.

We're the University of Toronto.

- Go, True Blue.
- Toronto?

Yes, sir, we're the Harvard
of the North, eh.

Well, you should probably get going.

Got a long trip ahead of you.

I like everything I'm hearing,
but, at the end of the day,

this'll be Sheldon's choice.

- Absolutely.
- Hang on a sec.

I see an engineering department,

a physics department, computer lab.

What I don't see is a church.

Don't worry, we have a beautiful
nondenominational chapel

built in 1956.

Nondenominational?

Everyone's welcome.

STURGIS: Hello, Sheldon.

LINKLETTER: There's my guy.

Oh, hello.

- Is everything okay?
- Does something have to be wrong

to hang out with a pal?

Here at East Texas Tech,

we're not just your faculty,
we're your friends.

In the past, you made it very
clear that we're not friends.

That's just me giving you the business

the way buddies do, you little scamp.

Sorry, that was a little hard.

We know this recruiting
thing can be stressful,

and we just wanted to see
how you're holding up.

It's actually not stressful at all.

My parents have been
handling most of it.

That's great. That's why it's
good to have family close by.

Friends and family just a hop,
skip and a jump away.

I don't hop, skip or jump.

See, that's that sense of humor

that we get but strangers may not.

Yes. [FORCED LAUGHTER]

Son, I know you have a lot
of options for grad school,

and I'm sure you'll make the
right choice for yourself

and your sweet, aging grandma.

Who will miss you so much if you leave.

Moon Pie... isn't that
what she calls you?

- Yes.
- Sweet.

So sweet.

_

Hey, what you doing?

Reading.

English Grammar and Composition?

It's Missy's.

You know, you don't have to do this.

Well, I want to do it for CeeCee.

Well, maybe I can help.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, you don't need a book.

Let's just start simple.

Um, instead of "ain't," try "isn't."

That isn't gonna be a problem.

There you go.

Now, let's work on "wasn't."

- Wadn't.
- Wasn't.

Wadn't.

See, I'm not hearing the "S."

That's 'cause it wadn't there.

GEORGE SR.: So, we've narrowed
it down to five schools.

We got Caltech and
Stanford in California.

- The left coast.
- Mom.

- It is.
- Can I continue?

Also known as the land of
fruits and nuts. Continue.

And on the East Coast, we got MIT,

- Harvard and Princeton.
- Damn Yankees.

We can't move the schools, Connie.

There's also East Texas Tech.

Is that a school that
you're considering?

I have friends there,
and it's close to all of you.

Why would you want to be close to us?

GEORGE SR.: Missy. This is your
decision, but best I understand,

these other schools
are the major leagues,

and East Texas Tech is T-ball.

Please don't make sports analogies.

Fine.

These schools are like... Superman

and East Texas Tech is like...

regular man?

Better, I think.

If you're worried about being far away,

they're all offering to
pay for travel expenses

so you can come home for the holidays.

But to be clear, you don't have to.

And we can also come and visit you.

Ooh, free trip. I like that.

You were just complaining
about these places.

I can complain on a beach.

This is a difficult decision.

Which is why we're all
here to help you make it.

FRESH PRINCE [ON TV]:
♪ Now, this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got... ♪

Are we not done?

It-it felt done.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

What are you doing?

I can't sleep. This is the
biggest decision of my life.

- What's all this?
- I'm employing an algorithm

to assigns points to each school

so I can statistically
decide which is the best.

Hmm.

How about "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe"?

I won't miss you.

Same. What school's winning?

I've narrowed it down
to Caltech and MIT.

Geographically equidistant,

so the travel time home
would be about the same.

Caltech has Stephen Hawking,
which is exciting,

but he hasn't won a Nobel Prize,

unlike Henry Kendall at
MIT, who recently did.

What's this little guy?

Both schools' mascot is a beaver.

Not pertinent to my needs,

- but amusing nonetheless.
- Mm.

Well, if you want my opinion,

I say pick the one that's near
the beach and Hollywood.

I hate those. Advantage MIT.

- Where's that?
- Boston.

So, what's your gut say?

It doesn't say anything.
It's not a thinking organ.

Fine, what's your...
Spidey-sense tell you?

Spidey-sense warns Peter
Parker of imminent danger.

It doesn't help him pick schools.

Well, the important thing is,
no matter where you go,

I'm gonna turn this room
into a dance studio.

Mm-hmm.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

- Howdy.
- Well, howdy yourself.

- Is this a bad time?
- No, but Sheldon's not here,

if you were hoping to talk to him.

No, I was fixing to talk
to you and your hubby.

Come on in.

I brought you some pecan pie
and some beer to wash it down.

- You didn't have to do that.
- Oh, it's no problem.

It's my ding-dang pleasure.

Okay. George?

President Hagemeyer. This is a
real honor, having you visit.

Oh, stop it with that President
nonsense. It's Linda... y'all.

Okay, Linda, so how can we help you?

No, no, no, how can I help you?

Gee, I don't know. Rain
gutters could use cleaning.

- George.
- Just a joke.

Well, it doesn't have to be.

You got a ladder and some gloves,
I'm your gal. [CHUCKLES]

And I guess that's why I'm here.

You know, everybody's
rolling out the red carpet

for Sheldon, as they should.

But, I mean, who's looking
after your needs?

Our needs? I don't understand.

Wouldn't you like all your children

to be college graduates?

[LAUGHS]

Wait, are you serious?

I'm in a position to offer

a full scholarship to
Sheldon's twin sister,

his older brother,

and I understand there's
a grandchild in the mix.

Just imagine how
expensive tuition will be



Wow, that is very generous.

No, no, no, I don't... I don't think so.

No, I think it's just giving
you good, hardworking folk

what you deserve.

I don't know what to say.

Yeah, we... we'll have
to talk it over a little.

At the end of the day,
it's still Sheldon's decision.

Oh, of course, but-but it's
also a family decision,

and that is what East
Texas Tech is all about.

Family.

Or, as I like to say, kin.

[ENUNCIATING]: Your mother
has been helping me,

and it has not been easy.

But I'm going to keep
working on it for you.

Okay, let's get you cleaned up.

See? He's tryin'.

Try-ing.

It's nice to see.
Who's ready for coffee?

I believe you mean,
"Whom's ready for coffee?"

Whom's?

Oh, let him have this one.

STURGIS: Sheldon?

Which is better? One or two?

One, two?

Hat I'll never wear one,
hat I'll never wear two.

Are you okay?

No, I didn't sleep at all last night.

For the life of me, I can't decide
between Caltech and MIT.

No matter how I analyze it,

how I break it down,
they're basically equal.

Great, then just pick the one you want.

What I want is to not have
to make this decision.

Well, you could always stay here.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe deciding not to decide

- is the best decision I can decide.
- Possibly.

After all, an object
at rest stays at rest.

That's just physics.

The kind of physics we understand.

Very well, I'll stay here,

I'll work with you two,
and everything will be...

Stop.

I can't do this.

I'm glad you said that.
I'm also having qualms.

- What are you talking about?
- You.

We have to do the right thing for him.

- And for science.
- So, we're in agreement?

Consequences be damned.

Will someone please
tell me what's going on?

Sheldon, you can't stay here.

- Why?
- You've outgrown us.

Me, literally.

You deserve the best education possible.

You're going to do
great things, Sheldon.

And we're proud to have been
a small part of your journey.

So, where should I go?

- Caltech.
- MIT.

[SPORTSCASTER SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

Mom, Dad, I've made a decision.

All right.

I'm going to MIT.

ADULT SHELDON:
I know what you're thinking.

Wait for it.

I'm so excited to visit MIT.

Me, too.

Proud of you, son.

Thank you, Dad.

_

- Caltech?
- Caltech.

ADULT SHELDON: Told you.

I don't know what to tell you, Linda.

We begged him to stay.

I got down on my knees,

and, well, John was already there.

We did everything we could to keep him.

I wore a cowboy hat and offered
a scholarship to a baby.

- Ooh. You win.
- Damn straight.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To our complete and utter

- lack of integrity.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.