If you're gonna make me
pick you up,
I expect coffee.
There'll be one waiting
for you tomorrow.
Any other requests?
Yeah.
Get your car fixed.
I'm gonna win you over, bro.
It's gonna happen.
Calling me "bro" shows the depth
of your miscalculation.
[Dispatch]
Truck 12.
Report of a small animal in
the attic at 187 South Kenzie.
Truck 12 responding.
Four play dates, a Spiderman
birthday party,
two trips to urgent care...
and my parents are in town.
Let's just go ahead and say
that they have opinions.
How was your weekend?
- Yeah, pretty good.
- Mmhmm.
I went to a club.
There were definitely dr*gs.
I woke up naked on some boat
near Whitby Island.
What about the other people
on the boat?
Also naked, yeah.
Right.
[Frank] Look, it's not personal.
I'm just a lone wolf type
of guy.
All last year I had no partner
and it was... heaven.
And this is so much worse.
So, I guess it is personal.
- Hey.
- Mmhmm.
I'm thinking of getting
a puppy.
Look at her, Little Mabel.
Why would you do that?
You have all the freedom
in the world.
Yeah, but I envy you sometimes.
I live alone.
It might be nice
to have a dog around.
Well, I have two.
You could just have one.
One of them's incontinent
for that extra feeling of
agonizing responsibility.
If that's what
you're looking for.
Maybe I'll just get a bird.
Get a bird. Get a bird.
[Frank] Alright. You wait here.
There's a good coffee place
up the block.
Rookie always pays.
Oh. Yeah. Hazing recognized
and accepted.
- So I'll take a cara...
- [door slams shut]
[knocks]
What's up?
Are you coming in?
Oh yeah, for sure. It's just...
just gonna be one minute.
I think my partner
will be right back.
I don't have a minute.
It's my 10th anniversary and
I surprised my wife with brunch
and whatever's up there
is k*lling the mood.
Whew!
Listen, man.
It's my first week.
I should really wait for backup.
You know what I mean?
Come on. My wife's libido
is very delicate.
Help a guy out.
Yeah, so my name's Fred
but everyone calls me Shred
'cause I used to be a
professional snowboarder,
mostly half-pipe,
a couple silvers at Nationals.
And then I tore my ACL.
How long is this gonna take?
Not long at all.
If I had to guess...
it's probably just a sweet
little guy who...
[hissing]
[screams]
[thud]
My eye!
Your walkie went into my eye!
- I'm sorry, it's just...
- [groaning]
The teeth, it's like a tiny...
furry vampire.
I underestimated...
- [squeaking]
- [both scream]
[screaming]
Under... under the ottoman.
Okay. Everyone stay calm.
I got this.
It's okay weasel...
or whatever you are.
We're gonna take you to
the coolest park in the city
and these people are
gonna celebrate.
Dude! Dude!
[chitter sounds]
Bad choice.
[gasps]
What do we do?
Oh, little buddy.
I got this.
- Oh!
- Oh!
Oh, come on!
- Go, go! Right here!
- [woman continues to scream]
We're not catching a break here.
[man] Ohhhh! It's under
the stuffed couch!
You gotta be kidding me.
Okay. Don't worry.
I got this. I got it.
- [chitters]
- [woman gasps]
On a scale of 1 to 10,
how would you rate
our service today?
[theme song]
♪
I made muffins.
Uh-oh. You want something.
What? No. Do you guys think
I do that?
Like I only bake
when I want something?
Aw, these muffs are
fresh out of the oven.
This is gonna be horrible.
No!
Yeah, I feel bad
but I need volunteers
to clean the kennels
this weekend.
There are nine dogs
at Giardia.
Whoever does it's gonna need
one of those counselors
they send to mass
sh**ting scenes.
I nominate Frank
given the weasel debacle.
He's the senior officer.
Yeah. Frank, I just got an
earful from the superintendent.
I was getting coffee.
I'm guilty of negligence,
not incompetence.
It's a lower crime.
Came to gloat about
the weasel barbecue.
[all groans]
You're here to enjoy
my misfortune,
which is a taunt,
not a gloat.
Always an education
when you talk to Frank.
You're a rube.
Do you know what that is?
Rumor is, couple filed
a complaint
that'll require damage control.
I'm offering my services, Emily,
'cause I know you get
a little nervous and sweaty
in high-stress situations.
Uh, no, no.
I have everything
under control, Templeton.
Well, when you don't,
I'll come back to gloat.
Did I get that right, Frank?
No, that was a thr*at.
Ah... whatever.
Word nerd.
Okay.
I'm gonna go change into a shirt
that's dark enough to hide
my nervous pit stains.
And right away I'm gonna
go ahead and apologize
for sharing that information.
[clears throat]
Muffins... are over here.
Why's that guy so mean
to Emily?
He works at a rival precinct,
and he's gunning for her job.
Yeah, she's not really suited
to a leadership position,
but we have to make sure
she doesn't get fired
'cause she's really nice.
And she's easy to manipulate
which is why we're
the only precinct with a
top-of-the-line Panini Press.
[bread crunching]
Mmm. Spectacular.
We got written up
in Bon Appetit.
Okay, here's a novel idea.
Try standing closer to the
toilet and actually aiming
so the pee goes in the bowl
and not on the floor.
That's a terrible idea
for a novel.
[laughing]
I will be instituting
a key system.
So if you have to pee,
you come see Dee,
there'll be a sign-in sheet
on my desk.
Not gonna do that.
Frank! Frank!
Frank!
Listen, I'll talk to Emily
and take the heat
for the weasel thing.
Okay? I'll clean the kennels,
it's only right.
That would be stupid of you.
It's what partners do, right?
Look, I'm gonna be up front.
My plan is to get rid of you.
And with the way
bureaucracy works,
it'll take about six months
to fill your seat.
So that's gonna be
all lone wolfy time.
[howls like a wolf]
[dogs barking]
Hey, we talked about
the howling!
Sorry Emily. How's that
espresso machine coming?
Oh, yeah. I ordered it.
Oh, you are the best!
[whispers] It's coming
from Milan.
You don't fool me, Frank.
Underneath that crusty exterior
is a soft, chewy center.
Mmm... no.
Yeah. He's not that kinda
cookie, kid.
What do you mean?
Look, and you didn't hear
this from us,
Frank used to be a cop but then
he uncovered some corruption,
and instead of cleaning it up,
they fired him.
Whoa. That's heavy.
[phone vibrating]
Greenview Meadow Preschool.
Oh, God in heaven, no.
There's no way this isn't
something awful.
Hello? Yeah.
Danny won't poop
in school again.
He's like me, he gets nervous
at away games.
Aww, poor sausage.
Yeah, go ahead and put him on.
Hey buddy, it's okay, listen.
Just like we do at home, okay?
♪ I know what to do...
♪ when I'm about to poo...
♪ I go to the potty,
♪ pull my underwear down...
[all sing in unison]
♪ And I sit and wait...
♪ I sit and wait...
♪ I sit and wait until
the poop falls down. ♪
♪ Then I wipe and wipe,
'till brown leaves town, ♪
♪ I put it in the potty
and I flush it down. ♪
Whooo!
Banger!
Wow, sounds like you had
quite a bit.
I'm proud of you,
my little soldier.
Way to go, Danny!
Okay. Alright. Bye.
Hi.
I could use some help getting
a mastiff on the table.
- No problem.
- Yes! I'll... I'll help.
Absolutely.
Hey... you're Shred, right?
Hey. Oh yeah, hi.
Nice to meet you.
Are you the, um... hot vet?
No, we say that behind
her back.
Yeah.
Oh God, I'm so sorry if
that came off disrespectful.
I'll retract it and say
you're in no way hot.
[laughing]
Doctor Summers.
I don't wanna embarrass you
but I'm a huge winter sports fan
and I saw you at the X Games
in Whistler.
- 2019.
- Yeah.
Against The Goose.
- Oh, so good!
- She's a fan.
[Hot Vet] You did that backside
right in front of me.
She's a fan.
They've been replaying it
on ESPN Classics.
Every time I watch it, I think
I'm not gonna stick the landing
and then I do...
and it kinda blows my mind
all over again.
So good.
Anyway, sorry.
You needed help with something?
Uh, yeah that'd be great.
Come on.
Yeah. Sure. Yeah.
No. No. He does not get
to just sashay in here
and have sex with someone
we've all been trying to nail
for years.
Yeah, he has to get in line
and wait like everybody else.
Low rent Shawn White.
Yo. Delores...
I need the key.
Name and time.
[phone ringing]
Connie Lingus?
Real mature!
[Frank] You know what
Mark Twain said?
I'm not 100 percent
on who Mark Twain is.
That's a whole other
conversation now.
He said if you pick up
a starving dog
and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference
between a dog and a man.
Is this about the hot vet?
Yeah, of course
it's about the hot vet.
I've been laying the groundwork
for years.
Do you know how many vaccination
clinics I've volunteered for?
A lot of vaccination clinics.
I've eradicated entire diseases
in pursuit of that woman.
But dude, I'm not, like,
a thr*at.
I have a girlfriend.
She's a snowboarder,
she's from Spain
and if you'd asked me even
one question you'd know that.
I'm not gonna lie,
that's a bit of a relief.
Yeah, and if I was gonna dip
my toe into the work pool,
it wouldn't be the hot vet.
Well, not Victoria.
I got dibs there too.
No. Emily. The boss lady.
She's just so clumsy and
uncomfortable in her own body.
I guess I just dig
an awkward chick.
This is a texture I didn't know
you had.
You see, this partnership...
it's blossoming.
Oh, and I Googled wolves.
They run in packs.
Well, except the lone ones.
Otherwise they would
just be wolves.
And you had to Google that?
There's no shame in admitting
gaps in knowledge.
Unrelated but also
interesting...
did you know snails can have sex
with themselves?
[Dispatch] Truck 12,
neighbor complaint.
Unlicensed ostrich farm.
Truck 12 responding.
Ostriches. I love this job.
[knocking]
Hi, I'm Emily Price
from animal con-
Wow, that is worse
than I thought.
[clears throat]
I brought muffins.
Hey.
Officers on the scene
with loaded snausages.
[laughing sarcastically]
Never gets old, Tom.
What have we got here?
Waiting for the coroner.
The guy's been dead three days
and no one knew it.
His dog never left his side.
We'll find him a good home.
Three days.
Can you imagine?
Three days without anybody
knowing where I was.
[dog whining]
I'd k*ll for that.
Hey. Hey, it's gonna be okay.
Charlie. He's so cute!
Whoa.
Those are some tall birds.
Yeah, and their eyes are bigger
than their brains,
so you should feel
right at home.
Your ribbing feels affectionate.
And I know you're going
for more emotional distance.
Hey, your shirt's sticking out.
Let me fix it.
There you go, now
you look respectable.
Look at you taking care
of your partner.
Bonding alert.
Calling all units.
Alright, calm down.
Ma'am, hi. City of Seattle
Animal Control.
Is it alright if we enter?
Make sure to close the gate.
Did my stupid neighbor
call you?
What's going on here?
You making belts or selling
their meat?
I sell the eggs at
the Farmer's Market.
Well, you're gonna need
a license
from the Zoning Commission.
Uh... these guys like me.
Everyone likes you, Shred.
Should I be concerned?
Well, that's really up to you.
They are violent and strong and
have famously bad temperaments.
Oh, and as you can see
they're really fast.
So I would kick it up a gear
if I were you.
In the meantime, I'll just be
writing this citation.
[Shred] It's bad, Frank!
They won't stop.
It's starting to feel
extremely targeted!
Yeah. Well, they either
see you as a food source
or a potential mate.
Either way, I would just
let nature take its course.
[Shred] They're relentless!
But don't worry,
I'm getting all of it.
[Shred yelling in the distance]
Look at 'em move.
These muffins are delicious.
You have to give me the recipe.
Oh, I will.
And you know what?
They're healthy too.
Everyone in my office
has some kind of allergy
so I can never bake
anything fun.
[laughing]
Look, we agree.
We don't wanna turn this
into a big legal thing.
Great. Great.
And... and you have my word,
the City will pay
for everything.
Okay.
If you'll just excuse me, I'm
just gonna let somebody know.
[phone chiming]
[electronic voice]
Emily said they're not
going to sue
and sent a pile of poop emoji...
and a middle finger emoji.
Whatever.
Alright... I won't take up
anymore of your time.
Thank you both.
You didn't use sesame oil
in these, did you?
You know what, I did.
I find it just gives it, like,
a little tang.
[laughs]
Oh God.
I'll get the EpiPen.
Thank you.
Wait, wait...
what's happening?
[raspy]
Call 911.
Right now?
No! Oh, no!
[Shred] Knock it off.
This is not fun for me.
This is not fun.
[woman] I've never seen them
like this.
Little help here, Frank.
Man, they must, uh... smell
something on your clothes.
What kinda detergent do you use?
Tide liquid pods.
They get out anything.
Maybe lose the shirt?
Oh, oh yeah.
[Frank] That is pretty
disrespectful to the uniform.
But you gotta do
what you gotta do.
Hmm.
It's gotta be the pants.
- The pants.
- [Frank] Yeah.
[ostriches chirping]
This is the weirdest strip show
I've ever seen.
And I've seen a number of them.
[ostriches chirping]
Is that your beef stick?
In my defense, uh, I didn't
think it would work that well.
Uncool, bro. Really Uncool!
And I'm sorry to raise my voice
right now
but I'm pretty high up
in this tree
and you crossed a line, brother!
They could've taken my penis,
Frank!
Yeah, but they didn't and that's
what makes it funny.
Dude, I know that the police
department screwed you over
and people let you down
but to learn nothing from that
except to be a jerk, that just
makes you a douche, dude.
You're missing all the nuance.
I'm a douche for a lot
of complicated reasons.
Dude, I blew out my knee three
months before the Olympics.
But I didn't let it make me
hate the world.
We all have a choice in life
and I chose to stay positive.
Well, that just makes me
question your judgment.
Well you'll be proud to know
I'm feeling pretty negative
right now, Frank!
You have a ticket for 600 bucks,
by the way.
- Can I pay you in eggs?
- No.
[knocking on door]
[Emily] Yeah, come in.
I'd like to request
a transfer.
My senior officer,
by word and action,
has made it clear that
he doesn't want me around.
Despite the rumors,
I'm not a people person.
Really? Are you sure?
I'd have to move you to central
and Templeton has
the only free truck.
Yes.
You heard the man.
Templeton.
You'd really do that to Shred?
He'll be fine.
He'll be happy in literally
any situation.
Which is the very trait that
makes him challenging for me.
Well, what if you viewed it
as a growth opportunity?
I'm not looking for growth.
If growth wants me bad enough,
it knows where to find me.
Yeah. Alone in your apartment.
Where I am so content.
Now... can I interest you
in a chicken pesto panini?
I wanna say no, but yeah.
Your heart is black
but you know how to make
a really good sandwich.
You guys making sandwiches?
Oh!
♪
Hello? Who's there?
It's Shred. I forgot my coat, so...
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, I'm sorry how everything
worked out.
I love Frank
but sometimes he can just be
too much like... Frank.
Yeah.
I really thought I was gonna be
able to cr*ck him, you know?
What are you still doing here?
Oh, we have a pet adoption
coming up
so I was just gonna get
these flyers out.
Cool.
You know, the thing about
snowboarding is
it's a solo sport.
Mmhmm.
Like, when you're on
the mountain
it's just you all alone.
When I got injured nobody
found me for two hours.
What, so the Saint Bernard thing
is a myth?
I'm the wrong guy to ask.
I still sorta believe
in Santa Claus.
[laughing]
What?
Oh.
Do you need a hand?
Um... yeah.
Sorry. Thanks.
I can just be a little clumsy.
I know.
You know, honestly...
I don't know that I'm cut out
for this job.
I mean, I sent that poor guy
to the hospital today.
Yeah, but I almost b*rned down
his house
and sent him to the hospital, so...
That's true.
[laughing]
Oh, I'm gonna miss seeing you
around the precinct everyday.
Yeah, me too.
Um... but you know now that,
I mean, I'm not gonna
be your boss...
[phone vibrating]
Like, we wouldn't...
Sorry. Sorry.
It's my girlfriend.
Oh, my God. Ah...
- I should get this.
- Yeah, yes.
Hey babe.
I heard you got powder.
What do you think, Charlie?
You like your new home?
Yeah?
[phone chiming]
Hang on.
♪ And I wipe and I wipe
'till the brown leaves town ♪
♪ Put it in the potty
and flush it down. ♪
♪ Bye bye poo.
[TV announcer]
Shred Taylor needs an 88
to get to on the podium.
No way.
[TV announcer] Here is another
look at his backside rodeo 540.
Will it be enough to medal?
And here comes the score...
Oh! 87.3. Ugh, man, that is heartbreaking.
Shred Taylor finishes fourth.
Look at this kid.
You'd never know he lost.
Gotta love him.
[chuckles]
[doorbell]
I'm not ready for a dog.
I need you to take Charlie.
[dog whining]
No, no. I have my own two dogs.
I'm fine.
Oh my God, he's so cute!
Oh, do you want him?
You guys love him.
You can have him.
No, we're not taking the dog.
We don't need the dog.
Also... I can't take care
of this.
I don't need this.
I already have lots of plants.
I don't need more plants.
No, don't go.
No, stop that dance.
Come back.
[children giggling]
[child] You're so cute.
Some dopey looking guy
call for an Uber?
I knew you'd show up... partner.
No, you didn't.
And I'm getting rid of you as
soon as a decent rig opens up.
I hope you know that.
If I didn't know
you were coming,
how come I got us coffee?
'Cause you were gonna
brownnose Templeton.
Whatever you need
to tell yourself, Frank.
But I always knew you were
a pack animal.
Yesterday you didn't even know
what a pack animal was.
Oh! I also didn't know
that a newborn kangaroo
is the size of a lima bean.
- Okay.
Templeton.
You didn't tell him
you were picking me up?
Nah. It was a game-time
decision.
How would you feel about
mooning him?
Very good.
But this will be two days
in a row
you've negotiated my pants off.
Hmm.
♪
So you really filmed
the whole Templeton thing?
Yes, I did.
[cheering and applause]
- To hell with Templeton!
- Nice touch.
Good to have you back.
Good to be back, boss.
Holden Weiner?
Really guys?
It's actually Wy-ner.
I get that all the time.
I'm gonna need a signature
for the package.
I think it's an espresso machine.
Ooh! I'll take care of that.
Thank you Mister Weiner.
Thank you so much.
Wyner.
[gasps]
I think she sprung
for the milk foamer.
Emily, you are the best!
I'm getting a wine fridge next.
01x01 - Weasels and Ostriches
Watch/Buy Amazon
A group of animal control workers in Seattle begin to see their lives complicated by humans and not so much by animals.
A group of animal control workers in Seattle begin to see their lives complicated by humans and not so much by animals.