01x05 - Cows and Raccoons

[bunniefuu]

♪

Hey everyone.

I just wanted to thank you again
for taking the weekend

to write up your intention
statements for the month.

[Emily] I think it will
really help us

stay focused on our missions.

And really just one thing...

I haven't actually received
any of your statements

and the deadline was last night.

Uh... I think that kind of
was our statement.

[laughs]

Yeah. One of the dogs
in the kennel ate mine.

[Victoria] Wait. Guys, do you
not say that in America?

I thought I'd at least
get a titter.

Titter?

So, guys, at the leadership
seminar at the Four Seasons...

The Four Seasons.

We know. We know.

Yes, it's the Four Seasons.
We've heard.

Charcuterie.

One of the key takeaways
was that writing things down

helps to actualize them.

Were there gherkins
on the charcuterie board?

I don't remember.

It was less than a week ago.

[Dispatch] Officers, please
keep this channel clear

for official field business.

Yes, of course.
So sorry.

[Emily] Okay. So, intention statements.

There were gherkins.

Emily, remember you sent me that
picture of you by the spread?

[Shred] There were gherkins.

Ooh, I'm looking at another
cool one of you by the raw bar.

[Emily] Okay, so here right now,

this is a perfect example of
wandering attention.

[Dolores] Apropos of
absolutely nothing,

people will no longer be able
to borrow my three-hole punch.

I've attached it to my desk
with max gauge cable.

Sad that it's come to this.

Okay. Wrapping up intention
statements will keep us focused.

Please have yours done by lunch.
Thank you.

Well that's not happening.

[sighs]

[opening title theme song]

♪

[Shred] Can I ask you something?

Nah. I'm really enjoying
the vibe of the truck right now.

I've got a bit of a girlfriend situation.

Nope!

We've got our first real
power struggle

and I think it's really
important that I get this right

because this long distance thing
is hard, you know?

I really have to insist
on your mentorship.

You can't have non-consensual
mentorship.

She was planning to come here
for a couple weeks

at the end of the month but
now she wants me to fly to her.

Which doesn't seem like
a big deal

but this is the third time
in a row

that I have gone to her
and she's still never come here

and it's starting to feel
like a pattern.

It's Austria.

She wants to start
in the low country...

Dear God, stop!

I knew you'd cr*ck.

Ugh. Okay. You wanna know
if there's a pattern?

Yes, there's a pattern.

And there's a frequent flyer
mile heist.

Don't go to Austria.

And if Camila wants a puppet,
then she should go to... uh...

I don't actually know where
you'd get a puppet out there.

Wouldn't it just be online
like everywhere else?

Look, bottom line,
Camila needs to come here.

Fair is fair.

Okay. You're sure?

Of course, I'm sure.
I'm sure about everything.

Does a bear debate whether
it's gonna pounce on a deer?

No. It just kills it.

Human beings
overthink everything.

Right. And Camila's obviously
not the deer?

The trip is the deer.
And you're k*lling Austria.

[Patel singing inaudibly]

Can I say something?
As your partner...

Oh, this sounds like you've
been sitting on something.

You mutter sing.

Mutter sing?
That bugs you?

Yeah. Yeah. I... it does.

It's like when I hook up
with a guy

and he touches me all hesitant
and light. Ugh.

Or like when you've got
a sneeze that's tickling

the inside of your nose
and it won't come out.

It's so annoying.

Okay. Those are some
very specific examples.

Yeah. I... I decided last week

that if you did it again
I'd say something.

Well, message received.
No more singing.

- No!
- No, it's fine.

I want you to sing. I want...

I just want you to sing it
like you mean it, man.

Do you mean it?

♪ Let the midnight special

♪ shine the light on me.

Yeah, you don't mean it.

- Well, I have a bad voice.
- Yeah.

I was actually fishing for
a "no you don't ".

[Dispatch] Truck 8.
Report of a loose raccoon.

Our Lady of Loreto Church,


Truck 8 responding.

Damnit. Now I'm doing
everything meekly.

[Dispatch] Truck 12.
Report to a distressed cow

at the University of Washington.


Truck 12 responding.

A cow at UW.
I wonder what this is about.

It's always the same thing.

[cow mooing]

For the last time, do not bring
a cow up the stairs

because cows do not like
to go down the stairs.

There's an entire chapter in
your fraternity manual on it.

It's all pictures.
Would've taken you 20 seconds.

Is that a White Russian?

Yeah. Straight from the cow.

- May I?
- [chuckles] Yeah.

[milk splashes]

Do not milk the cow.

I'm talking to you, guy
with the bowl of cereal.

So how do we get it out
of here?

We create a tranquil environment

and that starts with me
not yelling

but I am so annoyed
that I'm back here.

The cow has to relax,
and when it does,

it will walk out on its own
down those stairs.

We just need to keep
our voices down.

[door slams]

[chanting in unison]
Templeton! Templeton!

Templeton! Templeton!
Templeton!

Let my people go!

[chanting continues]
Templeton! Templeton!

What is happening?

♪

You know what?

Um... I'm gonna hang back and
write my intention statement.

You go on ahead.

Good one.

No, no, no. I really...
I really should do it.

And you can handle
this one, right?

You worried you're gonna burst
into flames if we go in there?

Don't worry, it's gonna
be a quick trip.

God won't even notice.

[knocking on window]

Victoria. Hey, it's nice
to see you.

[chanting in unison] Templeton!
Templeton! Templeton!

Quiet!

My brothers get a little excited
when alumni show up.

What, did someone call you
or something?

Yeah. BZM bat-phone.

I'm a bit of a mentor fixer
for the boys.

Ah, listen. If you guys wanna
take off and grab a long lunch,

precinct 2-2 style,

I can take over from here.

I'm not leaving until that cow
walks outta here.

[chuckles] I love the passivity
of that but I'm not quite sure

we have that kind of time.

The chapter's hosting the annual
Fall Ball tonight

and it is the event of
the Pan-Hellenic calendar.

Let me put this in a way you
can understand, Templeton.

If that cow doesn't walk
down the stairs

they're gonna have to cancel it.

Uh, that's punitive,
and frankly, outrageous.

And I'm gonna be certain to do
everything in my power

to not break 73 drunken hearts.

[cow mooing]

And the raccoon ran through
this pew

and up into the choir room.

Thank you Father.
We'll take it from here.

It's good to see you, Victoria.
Really good.

Okay. I'll bite.
How do you know that priest?

We actually share
the same dentist.

I've never once squeezed
the body part of someone

with whom I've shared a dentist.

So, that's a lie and not a
particularly creative one.

No... you... did you have
a thing with that priest?

No, but I did have sex
with him.

Yup.

[Emily] Attention all units.
It is now 10 past one.

I'm gonna go ahead and give you
all a 30-minute grace period

to send in your intention statements...

[radio clicks off]

Hello? All units?

Any units?

Truck 12?

Frank?

[cow mooing]

Ugh!

Really? Is this necessary?

Yes.

No, I'm not talking about you
and the father in there.

Wow. You're really clutching
your pearls on this one.

You usually love
free-spirited Victoria.

Well, I come from a very
religious family.

It's not this religion exactly
but we have a lot of gods,

a bunch of them
are very spiteful.

Okay. It's just sex
in a confessional.

Shh!

I don't even know
what this means

but it's in a bunch
of Scorsese movies.

You are so repressed.
You can't sing above a whisper.

You have arbitrary taboos.

It's not arbitrary.

This is societal,
this is a societal taboo.

Can we just go in and get
the raccoon... please?

Just keep your distance
from me, okay?

I don't want any guilt
by association.

[Frank mooing]

It's just a few stairs,
it really is.

I'll be right next to you
the whole time.

I'll be talking like this.

Frank? I just got off the phone
with the chancellor

and I'm happy to report
with a little cajoling

he has approved a crane.

You wanna airlift the cow?

Totally safe.

I don't know if you know this
about cows

but they're nervous fliers.

Actually, brother Steve's got
some edibles that could help.

Have you guys been talking
to each other?

Are you backing the crane play,
Judas?

It's just that, you know,

it's been an hour and the cow
hasn't actually moo-ved.

You guys ever seen
an 800-pound animal

fall 40 feet to concrete?
It's a cow gut slip and slide.

[boys groaning]

What are you doing?
Impressionable minds, Frank.

Can we keep this PG21, please?

There's one right answer here
and it's mine.

The cow walks outta here.

Could I just touch up
her stencils?

No! Go to your rooms!
Go to your rooms, boys. Go.

Yeah, he could be
a little gruff.

Aw, I'll take that.

[cats purring]

- Kitten bath?
- Yeah.

Is this about Shred?

Uh no, actually.

Shred has a girlfriend
so I had to let that go.

Nobody sent me their intentions.

So... they don't take
me seriously.

They don't take you seriously?
Look at this.

They used bolt cutters.

[raccoon chittering]

Do you hear that?
That's a raccoon.

How'd he get up there?

I don't know.

Maybe up the third octave
flue pipe.

Huh?

The big pipe up there.

No, you just said third octave
flue pipe very specifically

like you know what that is.

It was a lucky guess.

How do you know
so much about organs?

No. You know what? Okay.

I didn't want you to get
any more scandalized but...

the truth is...

the priest and I made sweet,
sweet love on this organ.

And part of our dirty talk
was very specific and technical

with regards to the instrument.

You're lying.

No.

And as partners we swore
to always tell the...

Okay, fine!

[sighs]

[organ bellowing]

Well, I didn't see that coming.

I play the organ. Okay?
And I go to church.

[ominous organ notes]

[raccoon chittering]

Oh, he's out!

He's heading
for the confessional!

♪

And that is the real,
real reason my mom and sister

don't talk to me anymore.

Thanks Kyle for that
powerful share.

And how about you,
how you doing?

Good. I feel like
I'm doing good.

Actually, you guys are all
getting so real here, I just...

Hmm. Incoming.

Kyle, give him
the council stick.

I guess I do have something
that's bugging me.

Camila, that's my girlfriend,
she wants to cancel her trip

out here and she wants me
to go visit her in Austria.

But I'm thinking about
saying no

and telling her she needs
to come here.

Okay.

What?

Well, have you thought about
asking yourself

why you're turning this
into a power play?

Because I don't wanna
set a pattern.

A pattern?

This is... this is a
relationship, not a carpet.

This is about opening yourself

to the very tender chasm
of intimacy.

Step into the goo, man.
It's where the good stuff is.

[boys mumble in agreement]

What, are you pledging
this place, Fred?

No. We were just rapping
about Camila.

Yeah, I already gave you
the answer.

Tell her to come here.

Great American Frank, everybody.

Always right and always
letting you know.

So, you think I should go
to Camila then?

Well, unlike Frank, I like
to hear everyone's opinion.

So, why don't we put this out
to the council?

Go to Camila.

For sure.

So romantic.

Well, like all decisions made
by committee,

this one is exactly wrong.

And Shred, you can't possibly
be considering major life advice

from a guy who's got a framed
poster of his DUI.

[giggling]

Nice job, Prince Harry.

Alright. I need you guys
to leave the premises.

Just a reminder, doors open for
the party in, like, four hours.

Yes, they do.

But right now we're trying
to de-escalate

so when you're done
being right,

the crane will be outside,
ready and waiting.

- [raccoon chittering]
- It's okay, buddy.

So, just so we're clear
on this...

you would rather have me think
that you had sex with the priest

than tell me that you go
to church.

Church is really off-brand
for me.

And what about the organ?

There's a lot of pieces to
the Victoria puzzle today.

- [raccoon chittering]
- Hang tight, Rocky.

Faith and church was just
something that I grew up with.

I went with my family

and now I'm 7,000 miles
from home,

I don't know, it's just...
it's comforting.

Well, I'm happy to hear you
can find solace

in something other than
polyamorous polypharmaceutical

erotic experiences.

Though I do love those stories.

Yeah. See, it's not like an
either or type thing with me.

Can you not tell anyone
about this?

This most wholesome detail
about your personal life?

Sure.

[laughs] Okay, good.

I did it.

What are you doing?

I let my soul out.
Now it's your turn.

- I don't like this.
- Yeah, come with me.

Come on.

You know what I want.

I want you to sing it
like you mean it, baby.

[organ playing]

♪ Let the midnight special...

♪

♪ shine the light on me.

Damnit, son.

That's not how we do it
at Our Lady of Loreto.

♪ Let the midnight special...

♪ shine their ever loving
light on me. ♪

[raccoon chittering]

[Victoria] Okay.

[in unison]
♪ Let the midnight special...

♪ shine their ever loving
light on me. ♪

Thanks for answering my SOS.

Boss problems?

Yeah. I'm flailing.

I, um... I assigned these
intention statements

to get the group focused.

I love that idea.

Thanks. But no one's doing them
so what do I do?

Fire someone!

What?

Yeah. My first week
as supervisor

I fired some guy
for being late.

How late was he?

Oh, I don't remember.

But I do remember the look
on everyone's face.

They were like, that guy
comes off all zen

but really he's loco.

Um... no one's really done
anything to get fired.

What about dispatch?

Those guys are always
up to something.

Um... unfortunately I think
everyone's doing

a pretty good job.

Well, you need to shock
the troops.

They need to know that
they can't mess with you.

Are you comfortable with
throwing a full soda can

up against the wall?

A soda expl*si*n speaks volumes.

Maybe I don't have
the personality for this.

That's ridiculous.

There's a natural leader
inside of you.

You just need to find your own
shock and awe and you will.

Do you think so?

I really do.

Okay. I'm gonna do it again and
this time just follow me down.

Alright? I'm gonna move like
this, just follow me down.

No judgements, no reservations,
just... here we go.

We're both walking
down the stairs.

And, oh look, these stairs
are fun!

I called Camila.

How'd it go?

Horrible, man.
We broke up.

Shred, I told you not
to listen to Templeton.

I didn't listen to Templeton.
I listened to you.

I told her she had
to come here.

Oh. Okay. Hey. Um... we don't
wanna upset the cow.

I said exactly what
you told me to say

and she said it was over.

It all just went south, man.

Okay. It's also important
how you say it.

- I didn't think...
- [cow mooing]

...it would happen
like that, man.

Right. Okay. Now you're
upsetting the cow and me.

So let's just bring it down.

It's the right thing, right?

Insisting that she come here
even though it resulted

in an outcome so much worse

than anything I could've
possibly imagined?

Yeah.

Why did your voice go up?

You told me it was
the right thing to do!

Tell me it was the right
thing to do!

I don't know!

What do you mean
"you don't know"?

Maybe I don't know
these things.

I got ghosted one time.

What?

But I didn't even know people
your age got ghosted.

What happened, man?

Okay. My last girlfriend, Yasmine.

We were together
for about a year.

It was good, it was really good.

Then she went out of town
and never came back.

I couldn't get a hold of her,
no explanation, that's it.

Nothing.

God. What a black hole
of unresolvable pain.

Look, I know I can come on
strong with my takes.

And, I guess, lately I've been
acting a little more like a-

Emotional bully.

Know it all.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

No, this isn't about me.
It's about you.

You just got kicked
in the heart.

Oh God. Camila.

I'd forgotten for a sec, Frank.

Shred, I think I steered
you wrong.

No, you definitely did.

But you were doing your best, okay?

And yeah, would I have liked
to have heard your story

of emotional turmoil before?
Definitely.

I think context was important
on this one.

But... it's okay.

Honestly, I'm not even sure
I'm right about the cow now.

There's actually a pretty strong
consensus outside

that you're not right
about the cow.

Gentlemen, if you drop
this cow,

the mess will be something
we'll all take to our graves.

And be really careful,
this building is historical.

It's just historic.

[Shred] Hey, the cow came down
on its own.

And just like that
Shaw's back on the board.

I knew I was right.

[Frank] I hope she left an upper
decker in the president's room.

Okay. Okay.
So, guys... hey guys.

Um... so we're... we're at
the end of the day, this is it.

So if you could just get your
intention statements in to me

before you leave, I would
really, really appreciate it.

Oh, it's been an incredibly
long day.

Can I get it in first
thing tomorrow?

Oh yeah. If you're giving
out extensions...

Yeah, make it three, please?

[yells]
Grrr!

[dogs begin to bark]

[Frank] Wow.

I said sit down and write
your intention statements.

Okay. No one is leaving this
office until my inbox is full.

It's been an incredibly
long day.

Can I get it in first
thing tomorrow?

No!

That was on the stapler,
and it hurt,

which is making me
even more mad.

So the intentions
are getting done now.

Did she just lock us in here?

Back door!

Look how long his legs are.

[Emily laughing]

She's laughing... maniacally!

Well, I guess, we gotta do
those things.

Does anyone even know what
an intention statement is?

She told us, like,
a hundred times... but no.

My intention is to watch
Top g*n on my phone.

She locked us in,
I can't go home.

Alright!

Where is the new bike lock
I bought this afternoon?

Seriously?
Do I need a lock for my lock?

Hey.

Hey.

What's with the bike lock?

Oh. I kinda locked
everyone inside.

Uh... no one sent in
their intention statements.

Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry.

I've been working on that,
uh, but...

I just ended up having one
of those days, you know?

Are you okay?

Uh... not really.
Me and Camila broke up.

Oh. Oh...
I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it's a lot.

Can I turn in my intention
statement later?

I'm having these crying jags.

Yeah, of course.
Go ahead.

Also, if you ever need to talk
or anything, I'm here.

I'm actually feeling
some welling in my chest

so I think I'm gonna go jump
in my rig.

♪

[phone chimes]

Shock and awe, baby.