01x10 - Pigs and Minks

[bunniefuu]

♪

Don't do it.

Are you guys doing hot yoga
in here afterwards?

'Cause this is ridiculous.

[exaggerated teeth chattering]

I know someone just mistakenly
bumped this

'cause I know everyone respects
my directive

to keep the temperature
at 76 degrees.

Emily... you think that

temperature standards
are sexist, right?

Just a dated bias
towards men's metabolic rates.

So, how exactly
did you get to 76?

Victoria, you've got a woman's
metabolism, right?

Yes.

Terrific. What do you think
of 76 degrees?

Honestly, the number means
nothing to me.

I don't understand Fahrenheit
and I'm not going to learn it.

Well played.

- [pig squealing]
- [Shred] Pig!

Pig! Pig!
Somebody help me cut him off.

[Victoria] I'm going to go
this way.

I was trying to give her a bath
but the tub door unlatched.

[Victoria] Oh, oh, oh...

[Shred] She's going around!

Got her!

No, I don't!

What did you put on her
'cause she's super slick.

It was conditioner to get out
the canola oil,

which was to get out the gum,
which was my bad.

Here, here. Take this.

[Victoria] Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, am I doing this

just so you can say
pig in a blanket?

Absolutely.

Okay.

[Frank] There you go.

[pig squealing]

There we go.
Yeah, there we go.

[pig grunting]

What's that?
Oh yeah.

She prefers 72 degrees
as well.

[opening title theme song]

♪

♪

Okay. Good morning everyone.
So for today we have...

Thought you could use
some extra fuel

since you're down a man.

[in unison]
Hey Rick!

You are spoiling us.

Oh, you are the best.

Stop it, don't mind me.
Please do your boss thing.

That's very nice of you.

Um... okay. So, uh...
with Patel still out,

uh, I thought Victoria
and Shred could do

the presentation at
Sotomayor Elementary.

- Switching up the teams.
- Mmhmm.

Interesting.

Yeah. Well, Frank
can't do school visits

'cause he's too condescending.

Yeah. If you don't know
what a mammal is by fifth grade

I'm gonna take you down.

Are you okay with some
positive energy in the truck?

It's just, I don't wanna
shock you

after months of abuse
and joylessness.

Yeah.

Maybe you could throw in
a couple eye rolls

just to ease the transition.
Call me an idiot.

I can do that.

Yeah. I'd bring a phonebook
for him to sit on, maybe.

He can see over the dash.
Bring some toys.

Frank, if you need a hand today,
I'd be happy to ride along.

Huh? Just like
the old days.

Butch and Sundance?

[chuckling]

[imitating g*n noises]

Rick was the most tolerable
partner I've ever had.

Stop it.

You know, you don't need
to do that.

No, it's fine.

You know, I don't wanna
take advantage of you.

I brought coffee
the past four days.

Clearly, I miss being here. Please.

[begging]
Please!

Please.

Okay.

Yay! Alright.

That's fun.

I'm back!

[Shred] Patel!

Hey!

[all] Hey!!!!

You're back!

Oh... sorry
to k*ll the vibe.

You still have one
more day of suspension.

Yeah, totally.

I was wondering if I could
come back a day early.

All three of my kids are home
sick from school.

It is unimaginable.

Yeah, I guess you could do

your online g*n safety training
from here.

That's fine.

[sighs]
Oh, thank you.

[Emily] Yeah, that's fine.

Oh, hey. Patel. If you're back
just a quick heads up,

you can't use
the panini press.

I found a gob of gouda
last time.

Come on, man.
That wasn't my gouda gob.

I told you.

Until Patel takes responsibility

for his fromage felony...

I vote that we ban him
from the press.

All in favor say aye.

[in unison] Aye.

What? All of you?

Frank, can you come see me
in my office real quick?

No problem.

Can you imagine if
we had motorcycles?

[laughing]

We will.
Let's get them.

Hey. I am just a little worried

about Rick being out
in the field.

I just really don't want him
to get hurt again.

The chances of him losing
a second ear

are near mathematically impossible.

I know. I know.

Will you just make sure that
nothing happens to him?

Well, of course,
he's my partner.

Okay.

It's just a little hard
to tell, uh,

when you're being sarcastic
and when you're being sincere.

Oh. This is my sarcastic look.

Mmhmm.

And this is my sincere look.

Uh-huh-ha.

Cool?

Err... sure.

Okay. Should we open with
the turtle and talk about

how climate change is
eradicating its habitat?

Err... that seems
a little heavy.

Maybe we just have
the turtle eat a carrot.

Okay.

It feels weird to be
going back to school.

Right? I'm actually
kinda nervous.

School was tough for me.

Really? I would've thought
teachers loved you.

No, no. I was
always acting out

and I couldn't sit still
in class.

I had a really bad case of
ants in the pants,

and probably dyslexia,
if I'm being honest.

I really hated my teachers
because I went to this

super strict parochial school
and they would shame me.

Oh.

Yeah.

Do you think that's why
you're so...

So what?

Like free-spirited. Just...

I don't...

You know, like...
lifestyle wise.

Hmm. What do you mean?

I don't know.
No, it's stupid, never mind.

I'm mess... I'm totally
messing with you.

Yeah. No. That is
a big reason

why I like sex and dr*gs
so much and hate authority.

Yeah.

Unless it's in the context
of role-play.

You know what I mean?

[chuckles nervously]

Uh... yeah.
For sure. Cool.

Do you remember when we worked
that software company party

and brought the camel?

[laughs]
Yeah.

And somehow you got the camel
to spit on that tech bro?

Yeah, you just tickle
their tummy.

I learned it when I was with
the, uh, Peace Corps in Yemen.

[chuckling]

God. It's good to be back
in the saddle.

[Dispatch] Truck 12.
Report of a spider loose

at Tompkins Public Library.


May I?

But of course.

Truck 12 responding.

Truck 12.
How is it going out there?

[Rick] Fine.

Okay. Just checking in.

Just wanna make sure
everything is okay.

[Dispatch] Please keep this
line clear for incident calls.

Yup. Just checking in.

[Dispatch] Thank you.

Okay. But I am the boss

so I can check in
whenever I want to.

[Dispatch] Oh, thank you.

No, thank you.

You're both heard
and appreciated.

Sorry.

How's the online
training going?

So good. It's super informative.

Mmhmm. Mmhmm.

The dog pays out two to one
so I owe you 10.

Excuse me.

Did I just hear about some
gambling on the premises?

We got a little game of,

"what's the next animal
to walk through the door?"

Oh. And you are?

Jack, the veterinary
tech assistant.

Patel.

Yeah, I know.
I've been here six months.

Oh. So... you take in
a lot of action?

Most of the support
staff plays.

What? How did I not know
about this?

You guys in the field
don't know

half of what we get
up to in the office.

Or our names apparently.

What else am I missing?

Friday classic movie lunch.

We just wrapped up a
Preston Sturges run.

Cool.

Well, I gotta get back to this
online-training course.

Hey. Quick question.
What's a rabbit pay out at?

You think VIP means us?

We're animal cops.

What's more VIP in
elementary school.

Yeah, sweet.

[whispering] Where have
you guys been?

We got here as fast
as we could.

[whispering] It's been over
an hour.

Storytime was a disaster.

A girl knocked over the
terrarium and the spider bolted.

What section is it in?

[whispering] YA. All the way
in the back.

This just got complicated.

[whispering] Why?

It's just that tween spiders
are particularly volatile.

[whispering] Can you please
just go get the spider?

We'll start in YA

and then we'll flush it
to self-improvement.

Okay.

[phone chimes]

Yes?

Hey Frank...

[Frank] Yes?

Hey. How is it going?

Well, same as it was
five minutes ago.

It's weird that
you keep checking in.

I know. I'm just, you know,
I'm a little worried.

Yeah. I got that.

Tarantula at 12 o'clock.

Uh, what?
Those are super dangerous.

I got it.

[grunts]

We did it!
We got her!

[applause]

[Frank] Teamwork!

Shh!

Man! A tarantula call!
Just awesome!

That was fun.

You did kinda jump
in front of me there.

Sorta like you were
nervous for me.

You want the truth?

Only way I take my coffee.

Emily's worried
you're gonna get hurt again

and she asked me to keep
an eye on you.

Ahh.

I'm worried too.

'Cause last time it was
my fault you got hurt.

What are you
talking about?

When you were getting
mauled by that mink,

I... ran away.

I was terrified.
I almost peed myself.

I'm sorry.

Wait, what?

I'm sorry you've had
to carry that around.

God. How evolved are you?

It was one moment, Frank.

Yeah. But, I mean,
I pride myself

from being relatively brave.

But something about that mink,

it hit me in a primal place and
that one minute still haunts me.

"It is not the events
that upset us,

"it is our judgments
about them."

Marcus Aurelius.

When did you have time
to check out that book?

I have a one swipe
express pass.

I'm a bit of a frequent flyer
in the stoic section.

Nerd.

You've gotta stop
judging yourself.

Everything worked out
the way it was supposed to.

Great.

Now I feel both absolved
and, uh, completely inferior

as a human being to you.

It reminds me
of, uh, Epictetus.

He once said...

Well, why don't we take
a quote break? Just...

Right.

"Do not express your
philosophy, embody it."

That was another quote,
wasn't it?

No.

It was.

So this guy is one of
my personal faves.

He's a white
New Zealand rabbit.

Sadly, a lot of these guys
end up at the precinct

just after Easter.

[voice on PA system]
Would Fred Taylor
and Victoria Sands

report to the Principal's
office?

[children in unison]
Ooh!

What? Are we in trouble?

Can we just leave these-
We're gonna leave these here.

Don't open that one.

[children in unison]
Ooh!

So, I have this iguana.

My daughter went to rehab
and I can't take care of it.

You did the right thing
bringing it in.

At 100 to one odds.
Yeah baby!

[all groaning]

So, is it okay
if I leave it?

Yes. Uh, thank you for being
a responsible citizen.

Okay. I don't know
what's happening

but it doesn't really
seem like your job.

No, it most certainly does not.
You have my Venmo.

Patel! Online training.
What is happening?

Can I be candid?
I've lost a little momentum.

Yeah, you're not gonna
finish it

by the end of the day,
are you?

No, I'm gonna get it done
by tomorrow.

There is literally cheese
all over the kitchen.

If there's manchego in there,
that's on me.

Or sharp cheddar.

You know what?

I'm just gonna do, like,
a general cheese clean.

That would be great.

Why do you think you're here?

[Shred] Umm...

We don't know.
[chuckles nervously]

Stop fidgeting.

Okay. Why don't you
tell us why we're here?

Well, it seems that
some people

think that they're very
important people.

Oh, the parking spot.

She's talking about
the parking spot.

Yes, the VIP parking spot,

which is reserved for
hard-working personnel

who have gone above and beyond
the call of duty.

I mean, you're teachers, so...

Señora Rosenblatt
earned it this month.

[Victoria] Good for her.

Okay, uh, so do you want
us to move the truck then?

What I would've liked

is if you hadn't had parked
there in the first place.

Okay. Well, we can
fix that.

Why don't you just point us
towards your time machine?

[laughing]

Oh. A comedienne.

So... the presentation today
wasn't enough?

You need a second stage today?

Getting attention any way
you can.

Any way you can get it. Yeah.

No.

Please move your vehicle
to the outer lot.

[Principal] Now.

Okay.

That is all.

Are you kidding me?!

There's an open
spot right here!

Okay. I'm not a gambler

but I'd go all in on that
being Señora Rosenblatt's car.

Wait. So she had to park
right here.

What's the big whoop?

I'm mad.

She's wee and vindictive.

[Victoria] Yeah.

We gotta serve her back!

Okay.

[Victoria] Hey.

[Shred] What?

Can you draw?

We shouldn't.

I know.

It'd be hilarious though.

It really would.

Yeah.

[both giggling]

Can you do a willy?

Oh, I can do a willy.

Oh, you're going...
you're going horizontal.

Nice. Oh. Wow.

You really wanna
take up the canvas.

Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. Details.

Tada!

Perfect.

Thank you.

- Let's get back to the kids.
- Yup.

Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat.
Gimme a cat.

Any cat'll do. Come on.
Come on, come on.

[Patel] Dog! You've gotta be
kidding me!

God, I can't catch a break!
How much am I down?



No, that can't be right. That...

I'm probably gonna need some
collateral at this point.

Is your car title handy?

Yeah. Let me just, uh...

Really? I know where
you work, Patel.

Your desk is right there.

Hey. What do you say
we grab some ribs

to wash away any
lingering vulnerability

from the confession.

You thinking Memphis
or Texas style?

Oregon. They brine them
in pinot noir.

Ohhh.

[Dispatch] Truck 12.

Report of an aggressive mink
loose at Dunsmuir Racquet Club.

Approach with extreme caution.

Uh... Truck 12.
Can... can you repeat that?

[Dispatch] Report of
an aggressive mink loose

at Dunsmuir Racquet Club.

No way.

So, in conclusion,
Seattle may be a city

but it's also home to
all kinds of critters.

That's right.

And remember kids,
pugs not dr*gs.

[applause]

[PA] Would
Fred Taylor and Victoria Sands

please report to
the Principal's office?

[children in unison]
Ooh!

[PA] Again.

Again?

[both giggling]

Oh. You won't be laughing
when I call your supervisor.

Can she do that?

No gum.

Oh, good! You're making
another sandwich.

Just one last panini before
I get into the deep clean.

Mmhmm. Well, I have
something for you.

Your three-animal parlay hit and
I had to Google what that meant.

Dolores told me everything.

Seriously?

You're a field guy.

You were always
gonna take the fall.

Patel, you know, I am... I am
extending your suspension.

No, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that.

You don't want me,
I'm the small fish.

You want Jack.
He's the kingpin.

Yeah, well Jack has
two open lawsuits

against the department
right now

so he's kind of untouchable.

Listen to me, you can't
suspend me for another week.

My kids have bronchitis
for God knows how long.

Bronchitis lingers, Emily.
It lingers.

How is that my problem?
I'm... I'm sorry.

What? No.

Hey, hey. The punishment
doesn't fit the crime.

Sorry.

Emily, hey!

What?

Oh... this isn't
about me bonding

with the support staff
at all.

This is about you
and some side feelings

that you're having that
you're taking out on me.

What are you talking about?

Are you worried about Rick
being out in the field again

because you're vibing
with him?

Wha... What?

You know, as a married guy
I have certain insights.

And you're... you're vibing
and you're freaking out

because you're worried

that he's gonna get
hurt again or something.

No. There is no...
there is... there is no vibe.

There's no vibe!
There's no vibe!

Let me assure you,

what happened out there
was a very rare situation.

It's not gonna happen again.

Hey! Rick's responding
to another mink call.

[both] What?

If that pays out
that's 50 to one!

[laughing]

God, I hope Rick's okay.

Hey. We're here
about the mink.

He's on court seven.

Oh, man.

This is your moment.

Our moment, yes.

Your moment.

To face your regret
and rectify it

and let you be
totally integrated

with the man you know
you are.

Imagine the catharsis.

Absolutely. Totally.

But imagine your catharsis

at facing down arguably
your greatest enemy,

capturing it and then righting
this wrong in the universe.

I've already said that my enemy
was my archangel in disguise.

This is all you.

Rick... I insist.

You wanna go in together?

I just don't wanna steal
your catharsis.

Okay.

[Frank] What the?!

Hey! Rick! Rick!
Come on, man!

How's it feel
to be abandoned?!

Rick. Open the door!
It's in here with me!

Rick, what are you doing?
Rick, please!

[mink hissing]

[panting]

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Oh! The latch!

The latch, latch,
latch, latch, latch!!!

Oh, it's on.
It's on. It's on.

Oh... I'm sorry. PTSD.

That's how he got me
last time.

Man, I got some stuff
bubbling up, huh?

Yeah.

So, you gonna let me out?

Hmm? Yes. Yeah. Whoo!
He's in there, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm all good.

I didn't mean to do that,
sorry. Sorry, sorry.

It's all good, baby.

[knocking on door]

Well, that must be
your supervisor.

Come in.

Oh. I was expecting someone
named Emily?

You got Emily's boss.
Amit Patel.

This was too important

so I had to sh**t it
right upstairs to me.

Sadly, I am an expert
in these two.

Mmhmm.

What do you have to say
for yourselves?

I guess... we're sorry.

Yeah, I guess
we're sorry.

Oh, you guess you're sorry?

Do apologies like that fly
at Sotomayor Elementary?

No, they don't.

Nor do they at Precinct 22!

So let me do it for you
the right way.

I sincerely apologize.

Not only to you personally but
to the entire school district.

And it goes without saying
that we will be paying

any cost related to removing
any offending genitalia.

Yuck!

Well, I appreciate that.

[sighs] And we appreciate
you, Principal.

I hope to see you again.
Let's go.

- Now!
- Yup.

[Patel] And I can
promise you, this is not
the end of it for them.

Thank you.

Did you want some gum?

No. You guys are lucky
I picked up the phone.

Yes. Thank you so much, partner.

I'm not sure you two make
a good combo.

Hmm, yeah. From, like,
a work perspective...

no, probably not.

No, but from a
vandalism standpoint

I think we really
complement each other.

[both giggling]

Okay. Well, I gotta get
outta here.

Let's go.

- [Patel] Guys.
- [both giggling]

Rick, this is gonna sound
weird but I wanna thank you

for locking me in the octagon
with the Royce Gracie of minks.

I actually feel a sense
of catharsis.

I got a good glimpse
of my shadow self.

I'm so disappointed.
I can't imagine how you feel.

Dude. We're square.
It's all good, really.

Some say this is John Huston's
finest work.

That is debatable but what's not
is that this is a riveting film

and epitomizes the genre
known as noir.

Ladies and gentlemen...
The Maltese Falcon.

[applause]

Black and white?

I've been texting you!
We got a call.

Oh, seriously?

Yeah, seriously.
We're responders, we respond.

That's our job.
Let's go.

Okay.

It's alright, man.
You belong in the field.

Truth is, you can't afford
to be in the office.

Hey, I'm gonna get you
that 500 bucks.

And when you do,
you'll get your phone back.

Bye guys.

Did you want me
to turn these off?

- Yeah.
- Yes, please.

[all] Come on!

[booing]