02x05 - Dogs and Chickens

[bunniefuu]

- Okay, time for Gwen's medicine.
- [CLUCKING]

We've got a bit of a moving target here.

- Can you secure the bird?
- I'm trying.

- Secure the bird!
- I just don't want to squeeze too hard.

I feel like eggs will come out.

- Will you secure the bird?
- I got her!

- Secure the bird!
- I got her!

Great.

Get out of the way.

I think you'll find that I run a
pretty tight ship around here.

[CLUCKING]

- She got the jump on me, sorry.
- Sorry!

- [EMILY] Why is the chicken out?!
- Head's up,

there's chicken poop in the hall.

- Frank! Frank! Come here.
- Aaah!

- [CLUCKING]
- Come here. Come here.

- It's okay. It's okay.
- I'm not helping.

Flush her towards Bettany's desk!

- Don't do it.
- Flush her to the kitchen!

I don't know why they
call people chickens,

this bird is fearless!

[CLUCKING]

This is exactly what it looks like.

[CLUCKING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

♪

- [CLUCKING]
- Good.

Okay.

[GROANS]

You okay? You're wincing a lot.

I tweaked my back chasing a chicken.

Or, as I'll tell everyone else,
saving puppies in a house fire.

Well, it could also be stress.

You've got the big union rep
election coming up today.

- You worked on your speech?
- I haven't written a thing.

But tall guy with a great head
of hair behind a podium?

- They'll follow me off a cliff.
- Definitely.

Though, Carl's gonna go
for the sympathy vote

since he got hit by that car.

- He's a liar.
- What?

There's no one to back up that story.

It was a hit and run.

Oh, and then he spent all that
time in the pool afterward.

He was doing physical therapy, Frank.

He was learning to walk again.

- Mmm-kay.
- Okay, let's just keep the whole "Carl faked

his own hit and run" between us.

You're our leader, everyone knows it,

you got this thing wrapped up.

All wrapped up like
Carl's fake-ass cast.

Hey, is everybody here?
I have an announcement.

Oh, good news announcement?
Half-day Fridays?

Oh, really? It's been on the
vision board for a while.

Speaking of, I don't know
who put up that pic of me

in my workout t*nk, but I applaud it.

You put it up, that's how it got there.

Which I applaud.

Okay, it's not good news. Or bad news.

It's just news.

Uh, we're having a mandatory
training session today.

[EVERYBODY GROANS]

Feels like bad news.

Wait. Are we still gonna
be able to puzzle at lunch?

Obviously. If you all know,
we've gotten a lot of complaints

from our lovely neighbor
in the condo next door

- about the dogs barking.
- Yeah. Maybe she's finally realizing

why her rent is so low.

Probably. Uh, but we want
to be good neighbors,

so I've hired a dog trainer
to come and teach us

how to get our canine guests to behave,

and he's on his way here right now.

Today is not good,

because everyone here will
be busy making history,

re-electing me to a fourth
consecutive term as union rep.

- We're in the Frank era.
- You are in the Frank era.

We all know that you just wanna
keep your reserved parking spot.

It's not about a parking spot.

It's about the respect and envy
that go along with that spot.

- In the Frank era.
- Must be nice.

They've got me over in that annex lot.

Technically a different town.

I'm not kidding. They've
got their own cops.

We are very lucky to get
this particular trainer,

he's in high demand

and apparently he's quite charismatic.

Seriously, some of the online
comments are pretty steamy.

Your steamy or my steamy?

I've noticed there's a big gap

- on that spectrum.
- [NOTIFICATION ALERT]

Oh! He is pulling into
the parking lot right now.

- _
- ♪ Everybody, yeah, looking at me ♪

♪ Yeah, man, yeah, man, I'm a VIP ♪

♪ I got the car ♪

♪ I got the cribs ♪

♪ I got the chicks ♪

♪ I got the money, money, money... ♪

[BARKING]

So people are writing steamy
comments about this guy?

- With how much irony?
- Yeah, I don't get it.

Good morning. My name is Roman Park.

You've been watching me, observing.

That's exactly what the
dogs are doing now.

- To you.
- Well, except Chester,

who seems pretty
interested in his genitals.

Hey, listen. Uh, the neighbor's back.

- [GROANS]
- Do you want me to tell her

that the triplets are sick?

Oh, you have triplets now.

Triplets? No, I'll talk to her.

She'll be happy to know
that Roman's on the case.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE] If you'll excuse me.

Um...

You can go.

Okay.

Dogs are intuitive beings.

They not only sense the
dynamics between each other,

but the humans around them.

In fact, I'm picking up
something right now.

She doesn't care for you.

[SCOFFS]

What? No, Bettany loves me.

Just... leave me hangin'.
That's vintage Bettany.

But more than anyone, they
key off their natural leader.

Who do you think the alpha is?

Well, if we're going by height, it's me.

And by any other metric, it's also me.

Um... of... of the dogs. [CHUCKLES]

Coco is the alpha.

Now I must establish my dominance

and show Coco who the new alpha is.

[BARKS]

[DOG WHIMPERS]

[CLICK]

That was pretty hot.

What else have you been
doing with that finger

that makes dogs so frightened of it?

Oh, it's not about the finger,

it's about what sh**t out of it.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Oh, my God.

- [CLICK]
- Oh.

Hi, Amy, so nice to see you again.

Are these your triplets?

Yeah, Bettany must have framed
that photo for me, so...

- You're drinking with toddlers.
- Oh, they're my wingmen,

so... it was a crazy
weekend in wine country.

You have no idea what it's like

to hear these dogs barking all day.

We're on it. I have a specialist
working with the dogs right now.

- They're still barking.
- Well, they're dogs, so yeah.

I don't have a fancy Zen fountain

to drown it out like you.

So why don't you take it?

Consider it a gift from Precinct 22.

- Okay, sure.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Now that we've done our breath work...

excellent job by the way, Victoria.

[EXHALES]

This exercise we call "dog mirror".

- F-Shaw?
- It's Frank.

Have you noticed the dogs
have stopped barking?

Yeah, that's super impressive.

Hey, just to circle back to
the whole Bettany thing,

- is that...
- [CLICKS]

Frank, be a dear.

Get into the cage, hands and knees,

in front of Coco.

Roman, I need you to step back

'cause I can feel your
breath on my nipples.

Okay, I'm gonna go lock
up my last few votes.

Yeah, you should go.

I am already on record
saying I am leaving.

- I'll allow it.
- I don't need your permission.

You have my full blessings.

I'm leaving. Goodbye.

Wow. Somebody's dewy.

You go for a run?

Uh, I forgot my wallet in the car.

Annex lot's like half a mile away.

Wait, you guys don't get to park here?

No, only Frank does 'cause
he's a union rep, so...

Wow.

Yeah.

You're incredible.
Anyone ever tell you that?

No. [LAUGHS]

I mean... No.

You start every morning with
that life force-draining walk,

yet you manage to be
there for everybody else.

You give a lot, don't you?

I mean, I do, yeah.
To my family, to the animals.

How do we give to Patel?

What can one do to filleth your own cup?

A nap comes to mind.

- Ehhh...
- But I can b*at that.

I got a bag of pears in the
rig, wanna talk it out?

- I love pears.
- Yeah, alright.

I'm the best candidate because
the other guy is an idiot.

Oh. [LAUGHS] Hey, Carl, you old sneak.

You gotta put a bell on that cane.

- Hey, good luck today, champ.
- Hey, you too.

Yeah, this whole election's been
such a welcome distraction

from all the PT...

Okay, can we just stick to the issues?

I'll see you at the speeches.

Carl.

- Can we talk?
- Look at that cane.

It's clearly a prop.
It bends the wrong way.

- Yeah.
- You can get that at any Halloween store.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Hey, I've been thinking.

You know how I'm always
putting other people's needs

- in front of my own?
- I have not seen that.

I did see you take a piece
of Bettany's birthday cake

before I lit the candles.

My cup run emptieth
and I need to fill it up.

Are you having a stroke?

You know what? I'm just
gonna come out with it.

I want your parking spot.

The walk from the annex
is draining my life force.

To be fair, I haven't
seen your life force

since before you had kids.

Right. Now my pilot light is
about to go out. I need this.

Well, the only way you're
gonna get that parking space

is if you run for union rep.

Okay, then I'll do it.

Oh, yeah? Okay.

I'll run for union rep.

Do you have any idea
what a union rep does?

I know he parks out front, bitch.

Sorry, I don't know why I did that.

But I am gonna run, and I'm
gonna m*rder you, bitch.

Sorry. Who is this guy?

Patel '24! Let's go!

[LAUGHS]

Alright, take as many as you like.

They're for everybody, guys.

Hey, if anyone wants
to talk union stuff,

I'm here, by the way.

Look at him, trying to
bribe voters with donuts.

Yeah, he's got a churro
truck coming at lunch.

He eats and campaigns
like he's in grade school.

Listen, um, I don't wanna press this,

but it's a three-way race now,
and every vote counts.

- So...
- Hmm... I don't know.

I feel like it's good to shake
up the status quo of the pack.

- The what?
- The office.

- You said pack.
- I said office.

- No, you said pack.
- Just think, I said office.

Wait a minute, is this all coming
from that child scarf model, Roman?

Did he get Patel to go
after my parking space?

All I know is I saw them
eating fruit in his truck.

Are you blushing?

He has, like, a big red
truck and I saw it.

- [MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS]
- [TRUCK DRIVER] Viva Patel!

Ah, churros in the parking
lot, everyone! Let's go!

- That looks good.
- Okay.

Did you know Bettany doesn't like me?

What? No, everyone likes you.

I know, that's why it's so
weird, but she doesn't.

Do you think it was because
of her birthday last week?

I did think it was weird that
you skipped cake in the kitchen.

- See, I didn't know it was her birthday.
- Mm-hmm.

There we have it.

The missing piece of information.

And it goes right...

[GASPS]

- Oh, no. It doesn't fit good.
- No. No.

Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt
something private... and sad.

Roman's gotta go. He's messing
with the office dynamic,

he's threatening my re-election,

and I think he's hypnotized Victoria.

This goes right here.

- No, we tried that... Oh.
- No. No. Oh.

Knock, knock. I can't find
the pear soda in the fridge.

I'm pretty sure it was in my contract.

Hey, Roman, I got some bad news.
Uh, Emily's gotta let you go,

so why don't you throw
yourself into an envelope

- and I'll mail you home.
- No, no, no, no.

No, you're not fired, Roman.

Frank, you're way overstepping.

Surprise, Frank thinks he's in charge.

He tried to out-alpha me earlier.

Out-alpha you? We're not a pack of dogs,

no matter what Patel looks
like when he eats lunch.

And if there's a quote
unquote alpha here, it's me.

Check out the vision board.

Ah, but the alpha never has
to say they're the alpha,

they're just automatically
recognized by the pack.

Also, I'm the alpha.

You just said an alpha doesn't
have to say they're the alpha!

- Only the true alpha can.
- Okay,

I'm actually the boss,
so could you two just fight

or, uh, kiss, or just go wherever
this weird energy is taking you?

With pleasure.

This piece goes there.

Okay, well, this piece goes right here.

I think one of these little
huckleberries go here.

- Yeah, well, this piece goes here.
- [ROMAN] This piece goes here.

[FRANK] Yeah, well,
this one goes right here.

- These pieces go on top here.
- Okay, that's ridiculous.

You know what?
If you're not puzzle club,

please leave puzzle club!

I can promise you this much.
As your union rep

there's only one kind of
swing that I'm gonna take.

And that is...

_

Big swings.

Amit Patel takes big swings.

For example, right now
I'd like to announce...

no, I'd like to guarantee
work from home Fridays.

- [CHEERING]
- Who wants it?

That's an impossible promise.

How do you catch animals from home?

All he wants is a parking
space next to the building.

For all of us. I want parking
spots for all of us.

And you're gonna get it.
As your union rep,

Patel's bringing home parking spots!

[APPLAUSE]

That's impossible!

We don't have that many parking spots!

- [CHUCKLES] Hey!
- Can he do that?

- No.
- That's an impossible promise,

but really great speech.

There's one more speech,
save the best for last.

Hey, there's another speech.

g*ng. I know that it's been a weird day,

but let's not forget
who's got the vision

to lead us into 2024 and beyond.

- It is this guy right here. Yep.
- [CLAPPING] Yeah, alright.

Look, I know you've all gorged
on churros and false promises,

but I need your eyes up here.

Uh, you let Carl and Patel talk.

Thank you.

And, uh, again, I had a real
challenging few months.

Nobody cares, Carl!

- [TRUCK DRIVER] Vive Patel!
- Oh!

Crepes in the parking lot!

[CROWD CLAMORING]

You are being bribed with
thin, savory pancakes!

It's a predictable move!
And Carl, he is a liar.

I have seen the traffic cams.

I have talked to the nurses on duty.

There are discrepancies.

Frank! What're you doing,
man? What're you doing?

Shred, don't go.

Shred, do not get a crepe!

[KNOCKING]

Ah. Amy. Come in, please.

Did you notice that the dogs
have stopped barking?

- I did. It's better.
- Great. Yay.

So I think we can move on and discuss

the smell coming from your kennels.

I do think that animal smell

coming from an animal control precinct

might be unavoidable.

Mmm...

But I will look into it.
That's a really good idea.

Thank you.

Palo Santo.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.

Yeah, would you like to take the candle

to help with the smell that
will probably always be there?

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, definitely.

I'd love for you to have
my birthday candle.

Anything for you, Amy.

You know, here at Animal Control

we really value our neighbors, so...

I've never been valued before.

That surprises me.

- Yeah, me too.
- You're so great.

Thank you.

- Bad move.
- Mm-mhmm.

How long have you been standing there?

Victoria, tell Emily what she did wrong.

Um, you gave positive reinforcement

for a negative behavior.

That's a dangerous type of conditioning.

[CLICK]

In order to break the cycle,
assert yourself and dominate.

Uh, yeah, that's probably good insight.

- Pick me up.
- I'm sorry?

Lift my body.

- I can do it. I'll do it, I'll do it.
- No, not you.

Her.

Come on.

See?

[DISTORTED VOICE]
You're stronger than you know.

Yeah, I'm gonna put you down now.

I've come to make amends, my lady.

Happy belated birthday.

_

Awesome, yeah.

I'm just a little curious

why you put it directly
in the lost and found?

Oh, that's just where
things go sometimes.

Okay, so your dislike of
me has nothing to do

with the fact that I
missed your birthday?

You didn't miss it, you weren't invited.

Yes, okay, but why?

Because I don't need you
anywhere near Emily

with your little crush.

Crush? On Emily?

Me, and our boss? That's crazy.

So what'd you do for lunch today, champ?

I did a puzzle with Emily, but
that doesn't mean anything.

Nobody does puzzles
unless they want more.

I want nothing more than the puzzle.

The thrill of puzzling. I'm a puzzler.

You need to move on.

She's in a great relationship
with Rick and I like him.

He's great? Well, did you know
he never takes his glove off

in front of her? I mean,
what's he hiding?

Shred, I have that woman's
calendar mapped out

for the next four-and-a-half years,

and you're not on it.

Hey!

You completely poisoned
the harmonious ecosystem

where I lord over everyone!

- Fix it!
- If I were to help you,

not that I'm saying I would,

I need to hear you say it.

Say what?

I need to hear you say I'm the alpha.

Okay.

[EXHALES] I'm the alpha. Ha ha.

Oh, you're gonna do the magic finger?

Should I pull it? Make a smell?

You're embarrassing yourself.

[WHIMPERING]

Chester, come on.
Do you have no dignity?

Come here. Oh. Oh, my... [GROANS]

My back. Okay. Yeah.

This is from the chicken
chase. It's... [GROANS]

Your tiny finger is doing
nothing here, it's my back.

Oh, my spine is on fire.

I'm just gonna go prone
for just a second.

[GROANING]

[GROANS]

- [CLICK]
- Yeah, I'm not doing the clicker.

I'm not submitting.

Yeah, you don't have
to call me the alpha,

your body language screams it.

Now that I've broken you,

I'll talk to Patel, get him to drop out.

Shouldn't be hard to make
it feel like it's his idea.

Good boy.

[CLICK]

Hi, Amy. I'm calling to inform you

that I will no longer be responding

to your incessant and
unreasonable complaints.

- And I want my Zen water fountain back.
- [CLICK]

Um, can you hold on a second?

Sorry, can you just not click?

I heard your advice from before.

I got it. I think I can
take it from here.

In fact, um, why don't
we just call it early

and you can go ahead and
invoice me for the whole day?

[CLICK]

Aha.

Yeah. Sorry.

Why'd I drop out?

I just asked myself,
do I really have time

to be a union rep?

Is that really taking care of me?

Alright, it looks like we
have a winner. And it's...

Yeah, it's Carl. Carl, you won.

- [APPLAUSE]
- Aww.

No.

That's impossible. That can't be right.

Well, uh, much like the
metal pins in my femur,

I pledge to be the bond
that helps this office heal.

Aww, that's sweet.

- [APPLAUSE]
- Nine, ten, eleven, twelve...

Not to take away from
Carl's beautiful moment,

but I'm afraid I must say my goodbyes.

No.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Victoria.

Are you free tonight?

I...

My mom's out of town,
so I can stay out late.

You live with your mum?

I have... plans.

- So... the plans...
- I just remembered that I have plans.

- Yeah.
- So I can't...

I know.

- What was I thinking?
- I'm not sure.

And with that, he was gone.

[CLICK]

Oh, Roman, the entrance
is that way. Yeah.

I know you had a day, so I
thought you could use this.

Thanks, but it doesn't look deep
enough to drown myself in.

Okay, I'm gonna give you some space.

Puzzle buddy.

Are we gonna puzzle
again tomorrow at lunch?

I feel like we're really on a roll.

Uh, you know, I think I'm gonna
start working out at lunch.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I just feel like puzzling's not
giving me enough cardio, so...

Yeah, okay. That sounds
really healthy, so...

- Yeah.
- Good for you.

I can finish the puzzle on my own.

- Well, I wish you luck.
- Thank you.

Anyway, um, have a good night.

- Yeah, you too. Goodnight.
- Thank you. Bye.

[BARKING]

That's weird.

[BARKING STOPS]

[BARKING]

[BARKING STOPS]

[BARKING]

[BARKING STOPS]

It's the freaking fountain.
The dogs are barking at it.

Roman's a fraud!

Nothing that happened today counts!

Hard reset! I'm still the union rep!

I'm still your leader!

[GROANS]

Going prone.

[THUD]

- Where's your water?
- I don't have one.

Slow burn, right?

Slow burn.

- Just...
- Slow death, I think is the expression.

- [HONKING]
- Oh, Jeez!

Oh.

Jeez.

- ♪ Well, he flows into town ♪
- Thank you.

♪ Greasy and drunk ♪

♪ A pen thru a jar to calm down ♪

[BELCHES]

- Come on.
- Okay.

- Halfway there.
- Okay.

[GROANS]

Water.

_

♪ Well, you sh*t your man down. ♪

Hey.

Ah, good morning, Frank!

Beautiful day.

Oops, wrong leg.

Son of a bitch.

Well played, Carl.